769: Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Seven

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: 
Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

It’s Wednesday, and you know what that means!  Time to suffer through another chapter of A Jedi’s Destiny, the Star Wars crossover fic that takes place in the 1990s, instead of long, long ago (and in a galaxy far, far away).

Last time we ended on a big cliffhanger as Fred, Buster’s half-brother, cousin, step-father, room-mate, misjay … person finally finds where Buster has been hiding, despite having known it all-along anyway.  And remember, I said it only gets worse from here.

So, it’s pretty much a guarantee that chapter 7 will take this cliffhanger and turn it into a full confrontation, right!?

Chapter 7

5 Years Later

Perry_is_Shocked

Seriously?  I… don’t even know what to do with that.  The TITLE of the chapter is, “5 Years Later.”  Does that imply that we just jumped forward 5 years, or that we will at some point in the chapter?

And if we DID jump forward 5 years, what the hell happened to Capt. Goofy!?  Is he just camping out on the outskirts of the Outlands waiting for his PCC check to clear for payment?

But, if it’s that we’ll jump ahead 5 years at some point in the chapter, WHY THE HELL IS IT THE NAME OF THE CHAPTER!?

Screw it, this counts:

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 27

This is by far the most willfully confusing thing I’ve ever read.

Outlands

The Outlands after a short few months became the most popular place for the grazing animals instead of the once prosperous Pride Lands.

OK, Vic, that’s not helping.  Not only do I not know where the Outlands are, but now I don’t have a clue when they are.  Is this a few months after the 5 years, or before them?  During?

After a couple of months of working hard to achieve his position, Buster celebrated the birth of his son, Dagger.

*Snerk*

BAHAHAHAHAHA!  “Working hard to achieve his position!?” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Oh man, that’s a good one.

Also, Dagger is the lamest name given a child since Jonathan Davis named his son Pirate.  Actually, that happened after this fic was posted, so it’s just the lamest name.

Now, I’m mindful that it could be a reference to FF9, since Princess Garnet calls herself Dagger throughout most of the game to occlude her identity.  But that kind of reference does not belong randomly in your fic, Vic!

And, if you DID want to call your SI’s kid “Dagger,” do it the Lion King way.  Name the kid Kisu (knife) or Hanjari (dagger or scimitar), that way you stick to the established canon of using Swahili names!  Not only does it fit with canon, but it also sounds a hell of a lot better!  It literally only took me 5 minutes to find those two words in an online English to Swahili dictionary and then cross-check them against another source for accuracy.  What’s your excuse, Vic?

Zira was so proud of her position of queen of the Outlands that she called a meeting with her mate and the rest of the Pride to make the day of Dagger’s birth a day of celebration.

Fair enough, actually.  Simba’s and Kiara’s births were both pretty big deals in the first movie, so this is actually reasonable.  7 chapters and this is the second reasonable passage I’ve found, and the first with more than 10 words in it.  Not a good sign, Vic.

It’s actually reasonable in two ways, though the second is more subtle.  You’ll notice that the reason behind the celebration isn’t Dagger, but because Zira is prideful of her role as Queen.  This actually is the first bit of characterization Vic got right.  Zira doesn’t give two shits about her kids unless they directly benefit her and/or help her gain more power.  That’s well established with all 3 of her canon kids, and none of that ended well: one she murders, one she disowns because he wouldn’t murder somebody else, and the last turns against her when she gets a little too crazy toward the end of the movie.  Suffice to say that Zira is a crappy parent.  So the fact that she’s using Dag- nope, gonna call him Kisu- Kisu’s birth as a reason to remind everyone that she’s Queen is totally something she’d do.

Zira now was closer to Buster than never before after Dagger’s birth.

I gotta agree with that.  She’s never been close to him and I can’t say that this appears any different.  Vic, stop telling me everything and show me something!

All of which is now in the past.

Ahh, here we are, our 5 year jump.

Now 5 years later, the Russian parliament was over thrown by another revolution.

Uh… what?  What does this have to do with-

Word of this first came to Buster when Frederic defected to his Pride after the falling of the Russian Empire and the rising of mankind’s ultimate mistake.

OH. MY. GODS!

You gotta be shitting me.  I just-  but he-  no-  but-  I-  but- but- it can’t-

BRAGALAFLARGARFM!

*Taco falls out of his chair*

Warning: Flagrant System Error No. 207.  Your Librarian, model: TacoMagic, has ceased functioning due to a critical failure of logic circuity.  The unit will shut down now and become inoperable to prevent a potential nuclear explosion.  Please see your local re-spawn point to pick up a new model with the latest firmware. Thank you for choosing PCC brand Librarians!

*A few minutes later, Taco comes in wearing a pastel orange sailor suit and earmuffs*

I really, really hope I don’t need to tell any of you why that passage is so utterly stupid.  I’m going to tell you anyway, but I hope I don’t HAVE to.

Vic, Fred was the only, ONLY thing you had in your fic that was challenging or threatening Buster.  The only thing that could possibly have built some tension (it didn’t because we both actively want to see Buster die and know that you wouldn’t kill him because he’s your self-insert).  And in one recap sentence, you remove Fred as a possible source of tension while at the same time marrying him into Team Stu.

Vic, put simply, you suck at writing.  Your story is without worth.  It is uninteresting, cliché, insulting, misspelled, wish-fulfilling, masturbatory garbage.

This passage clinches this fic as absolutely the worst thing I’ve ever had to riff.  Probably one of the worst we’ve seen in the library (maybe not as bad as My Immortal, Gabriel Hawke, and Prayer Warriors, but it’s up there with them).  And I’ll tell you why.

You see, most of the Stu-Fests at least understand the basic premise of plot.  Something happens, the protagonist(s) do stuff, situation resolves or escalates.  Even the really bad fics like FAW and Parallel realities have an inkling that this is how it’s supposed to work.  Granted, most situations are defused by the Stu doing something over-the top and self-aggrandizing, but at least there’s SOMETHING going on, even if it is wholly contrived bullshit.

In Jedi’s Destiny, there’s not even that.  Everything, absolutely everything, is handed to Buster without him doing anything at all.  His changing into a lion?  Just happens because of the program he was part of.  Romance to Zira?  All he does is drag her body into a cave and exchange 7 lines of dialogue.  The fall of the Pride Lands?  Magic storm that had nothing to do with Buster.  The Outlands paradise?  Same storm, Buster just happened to be in the right spot.  Becoming king?  Simba overhears him talking to Zira and decides it’s best for his pride to join them.  Convincing Kiara to accept his rule?  Simba and Nala do that.  Defeating Fred?  Fred decides that he doesn’t want to be part of Russian anymore and joins up.

Out of all those, only ONE of them had anything vaguely to do with what Buster did, or was trying to do, and that was Zira becoming his mate.  Everything else was others deciding things that just happened to benefit him.  He is the epitome of an inactive Hero.  He does absolutely NOTHING and the plot just falls into place around him.  Not even Jinta and BRSue were that bad because they actually did stuff.  Even Stupard 2.0 got out there and did things relevant to the plot.  Sure, all the things they did were over-the-top, a cake-walk, and ultimately just there to show off how awesome they were, but at least they got some exercise.  Buster is just sitting there on his ass while the plot hands him things.

The only thing Buster has done was to woo Zira, and that was so fast and pointless that you can barely count it since, in the end, Zira becomes his mate because he says he thinks she’s attractive and that is apparently enough for her to jump into his pants.  Fucking shallow as hell, even more so than Twilight.  His fight with Simba almost counts, since he’s actually doing something in that scene, but it doesn’t resolve anything.  The agency of that choice was firmly shown to be Simba’s, so the fight had nothing to do with any plot furtherance.  Rather, the plot was furthered by Simba overhearing a conversation and making the choice to concede.  In the end it had barely anything to do with Buster; certainly he had no agency in that decision.

Buster does NOTHING, and yet the plot is swirling around handing things to him.  This is the ultimate in wish fulfillment.  Dude doesn’t have to have any agency, and he doesn’t have to put forth any effort at all, and he becomes the center of the universe.  It’s like Thomas Covenant, only not well written or interesting.  And Tom actually does do stuff.  Eventually.  Like, after about 5 books.

Based on all that, I’m guessing “mankind’s ultimate mistake” is Buster.  Seems a good contender for it.

 The Clone.

Buster’s a clone!?

Buster watched in horror through the small little vidscreen on Frederic’s chest as millions of men, women and children that were brutally gunned down in some protest by the half lion human clones.

I guess that whole, “help with population issues” thing kinda didn’t pan out.

I wonder if “some protest” was outside of Building that has Food and Water.

And MILLIONS of people at a protest?  That’s one hell of a protest.  Those anthropomorphic lions must have been shooting for days to kill that many people.  Not to mention they’d need a king’s ransom in equipment to pull that off.

For comparison, the largest protest in history was in 2003 against the Iraqi war.  It was in Rome and there were 3 million people as part of the peace march.  Said march was a couple dozen miles long.  In order to assault that many people, you’re looking at a minimum of about 100,000  troops, each armed with enough ordinance to take out 30 people each.

Not an unthinkable size for an army, but I have to wonder what the point of using the Lion hybrids was.  Surely you can do that kind of evil with a garden variety army.  Especially since the project is supposed to be pretty expensive.  Seems like you’d have better things for them to be doing.

*GONG*

Vic, your fic lacks plausibility and continues to get more and more illogical.  I can’t even harp on you for trivializing a massacre because it’s just so utterly ridiculous.  Especially since the entire reason for creating the clones was as a personnel replacement for all the people lost in wars.  But if there are millions of people protesting (and subsequently getting shot), it doesn’t seem like you’re really hurting for population.  So the project’s very point never made sense in the first place!

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 28

Dear gods, I’m only four sentences into this chapter and I’m already at 1,700 words.

As time went on, Buster became more aware that the US was now under the jurisdiction of a new government only calling it self-the Imperialists.

It might be too much to hope that this is finally our first Star Wars reference.   I shall dare to hope anyway.

These imperialists seemed to enjoy tormenting the people of the Untied States.

Which doesn’t make any damn sense.  The empire never really was about specifically tormenting people.  The people they did torment was either due to apathy, or as means to a different end.  They didn’t really torment people just because they could.

 Plus the imperialists controlled all of the Americans, north, central and south.

We don’t get to see this takeover because writing is hard and Vic avoids doing things that involve work and effort.

Slowly Buster realized that the imperialists could develop a taste for Asia,

Mmm, the delicate texture of South Korea, basted nicely in a light Burma sauce, and served on a fluffy bed of steamed Bhutan.  Next week on Cooking Asia we show you a unique way of preparing Indonesia where you can leave the archipelago on!

which he knew all too well that Africa was apart of Asia.

WHAT!?  That’s a pretty stupid geography fail even for an American!  Sweet Armory Jesus, Buster, you really ARE as stupid as I think you are!

Outlands/ Present Time

The hell?  Weren’t we just in present time?  The narration even said it was 5 years later.  Is “Present Time” before or after the 5 year gap, because now that time is getting all squiggly, I have no idea when this is.

It was a dark and lonely night as a lone lioness found a spot to rest from the raging storm that had raged for days with razor sharp raindrops.

Blame the cloud imps.  I hear they started sharpening the rain just to mess with us.

(You should all be glad I didn’t go with my original esoteric reference to Bill Davies.)

She laid down on some soft grass under a tree and quickly fell asleep.

What the hell is up with all the scenes of sleeping!?  Can you go maybe a whole chapter without somebody napping?

In the same area, a lion walking on his hind legs stopped to smell the air around him.

It’s Capt. Goofy!  Maybe.  I guess this is gonna be his mate; because nobody in this fic can exist without one.  For whatever reason.

 He then reached up with a paw and took off a heavy metal piece of equipment and looked deeper into the brush were a smell had caught his attention.

I’m getting close to a “vague stuff” counter here.  So far I’ve got Food, Water, Building, Some Protest, and now “Heavy Metallic Equipment.”

 “What is this?” He thought deep in his mind.

Sup, Id.  You still running with Ego?

The lion then put the metal thing back over his eyes.

He had to take the goggles off to help him smell better.  Kinda like how you sometimes turn your radio down in order to see better while driving.

In the screen of the mask was a triangle with its lines moving into the middle and then back.

I hate getting those “How many triangles are there” puzzles.  Even more so when you can’t actually see the damn thing.

Some thing flashed and then he moved a bit closer to a fallen tree.

*Adds “Flashing Thing” to his pile of vague stuff.*

One more and I’m making a counter.

The lioness was awakened by a snapping of a twig and looked around.

Poor girl is a light sleeper.  I’d still be snoring and drooling all over myself.

Bah, who am I kidding. I’d be laying there awake staring a the tree and thinking frantically about efficient napkin folding.

After she had not seen the lion, she went back to sleep.

*Facepalm*

Really?  Is that seriously the best way you could think of phrasing that?

The lion then pulled out a gun and inserted two high powered tranquilizer darts and aimed at the lioness.

Huh, that’s kind of a dick move.  Is that the only way you can pick up women?

The gun shot broke the already noisy night and awoke Zira and Buster who were sleeping in their cave.

Uh, you break a silence, not a noisy night.  Seriously, this is like 3rd grade English here, Vic.

“I wonder what that was?” Buster said slowly in Zira’s ear.

Because gods forbid that a soldier could recognize a gunshot.

Then again, they were tranquilizer darts.  Those shouldn’t have been able to be heard over a loud night as they’re pretty quiet.

So… much… nonsense…

Zira turned over and moaned. “oh! Who cares. I’m tired and tired of you waking me in the middle of the night!” Zira snapped then started to snore.

I chose to to not read anything into why he might habitually wake her up in the middle of the night.

Nope.  Not thinking about it.

LA LA LA NOT THINKING ABOUT IT!

“What ever. Well I guess I’ll go see what that was any way” Buster said to him self.

Remember to get into your “late night noise in the house” uniform:

Underpants and a Baseball Bat, official uniform of late-night noises.

Underpants and a Baseball Bat, official uniform of late-night noises.

Before he could get out of the cave, Zira awoke and was feeling for her mate’s body to be there. She turned and saw him setting in the mouth of the cave and then got up.

Man, she can really pop in and out of consciousness, can’t she?  I have to say that I really envy that.

But, that said, insomnia has made me way better at napkin folding than Zira is.  I’ll say that if you want to impress guests, rock the diagonal pocket fold; it’s simple, fast, and looks pretty impressive to those not well instructed in the art of napkin folding.

And yes, my napkin folding jokes (and associated knowledge) are based on something I’ve actually thought about during a bad night of insomnia.  More than once.

 “What are you looking at?” She asked while setting beside him.

Wet darkness, most likely.  It’s raining in the desert at night, probably not a lot to see, even for somebody with nightvision.

“I heard a gun, Zira. It came from in that direction. Nuts! Who left to find food this time, Zira?” Buster said with a ghostly face.

SPOOOOKY FACE!!!!!!

Actually, it’s a step up from his funny face, so I’ll take it.

“Crap! Vitani is out there” Zira said.

Oh noes, a barely established character is in vague danger from being tranquilized by a lion hybrid who may or may not be Fred.

This would be tense if I’d been given any reason to care.

Vitani awoke being dragged through mud and water by a strange looking lion.

Dude, you’re a genetically engineered super-soldier with enough strength to wield a minigun with one hand.  Stop being a jerk and pick her up.

 “Hello, who the heck are you?” she said sarcastically

Homework assignment for everyone: Try to say that sentence sarcastically.

 the strange lion said nothing and continued to pull her through mud and water.

What a dick. Are we sure this guy isn’t Buster in disguise?

Actually, this prig is actually doing something, so he’s probably somebody else.

When he stopped, Vitani looked up a step shiny wall with 40 or so lights emulating from it.

If emulation is the highest form of flattery, then, with 40 lights emulating from it, that wall is down right sycophantic.

Buster was now pounding on Simba’s cave entrance.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who read that as a euphemism.

“What the hell do you want Buster!” Simba yelled. ” I need your help to find Vitani. I know she is on a hunting trip and I also heard a gun shot from about a few hundred yards from here.”

Then maybe you should get your super-soldier butt into gear and do something rather than running to Simba to fight your battles.  Sure, maybe enlisting help is a good thing, but if you’re gonna be a leader, fucking LEAD.  Tell Simba he needs to come right now and forget the explanation.  Leaders don’t explain every order, especially when time is critical.  Like it is now.

And leaders don’t let their subordinates yell at them like that.

A bowl of room-temperature soup has better leadership qualities than you do, Buster.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 19

“Well, ok then” Simba said as he cautiously moved Nala’s paw off of him.

You wanna put a little more hitch in your giddap there, Simba?  Vitani is/was one of your pride as well as your daughter-in-law.

Hell, you might even wake Nala and ask her to come since she’s badass and you might need the help.

Vitani woke up for the second time and this time was in the middle of a room with other lions and lioness’s.

What?  When did she pass out again?

And this plan is starting to look suspiciously like:

Step 1: Create an evil army of Lion/Human hybrid clones and have them capture real lions
Step 2: ???
Step 3: World Domination

In one end of the room was a large structure with Greek symbols surrounding it.

They’re going to make the lions do trigonometry!  What fiends!

And “Large Structure” means I’m starting a counter:

Aha! A Thing!: 7

On the other side was a door and a large hulking lion came through it. He walked to the other side were the large structure was and stopped in front of it. He reached down and unsheathed a sword and brought it down on the structure.

Ooooookay?  Was there a point to having generic Super-Soldier #241 hit something with his sword?

Fleeting flashes of electricity flew out of the cracks and were absorbed into the large lion.

No, really, is there a point to this?  Because it’s starting to look like you’re just writing random stuff and hoping something comes out the other end.

After the electricity stopped pouring out of the structure, it turned into sand and crumbled to the floor.

SO WHAT!?  Why am I supposed to care about this vague structure being clobbered with a sword?  Why are you showing us this, Vic?

Then with the strange things that just happened, Vitani was now wearing a beat up military uniform and straps of ammunition.   She found her self holding a 9.mm pistol in her left hand.

katt_williams_480-e1292165587643
Ba…wha?  So, the key to changing lions into armed, anthropomorphic super-soldiers is hitting a Greek thingy with a sword.  There just aren’t words.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 29

She reached up to scratch behind her ear and found a Cuban cigar lazily draping from her lips.

And it turned her into a cigar-smoker too!?  Man, that was one hell of a magic… whatever the fuck it was.

She turned to look be hind her and there on her back was a World War II surplus radio.

You know, I’m not even going to mention that she shouldn’t know what that is.  This scene is stupid and contrived enough without diving into the fact that a lion wouldn’t know what a cigar, radio, pistol, or Cuba is.

On the old military uniform was a pocket with a card in side. She took it out and saw the words “OUTLANDER ASSAIAN MEMBER 4”.

Man, not only is this project run by complete idiots, but they can’t spell either.

Vic, Africa is still not a country in Asia, by the way.

Before Buster knew what was happening, he found him self carrying a Russian anti air craft gattling.

Suddenly, and in another scene, Buster is suddenly overtaken by something stupider than he is!

“What is this thing!” Buster said turning to Simba. “Holy Shi.. Buster! What’s that in my paw!?” Simba asked. “What’s in your hand, a 308 auto Winchester rifle? What the hell is going on here?” Buster looked over his crappy looking gun and then back at Simba’s Auto Winchester rifle.

That’s what I’ve been asking for this entire fic!  Finally some of the characters are starting to recognize that nothing in this mess makes any damn sense!

Buster was about to speak when he heard a noise over the great gorge of the old Pride Lands.

When the hell did they get within ear-shot of the old Pride Lands?

Actually, where the hell are they in general?  This is where having any kind of setting really helps.

Buster and Simba ran like they had never ran before to the ridge of the gorge. Down in the bottom were poorly constructed metal shacks with fires in cans in front of every shack.

So in the gorge, we have a shanty town.  Because reasons.

*Shakes fic*

THAT DOESN’T COUNT AS SETTING!

 Only a few creatures could be seen from the point of view Buster and Simba were looking.

If you were expecting the narration to describe any of the stuff they’re seeing, you must be new here.  Welcome!

“Ok, I think I’ll be leaving now” Buster said.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 20

When the going gets tough, Buster hides under the bed.

“What, why?” Simba asked.

Answer the man!  Err… lion.  Lion-man?

“Those creatures down there are humans and from my own experiences, I have come to this conclusion. Humans are the death of every thing beautiful and wonderful”

*GONG*

Thanks for that author tract, Vic.  Might I remind you that you implied that Scar’s ghost destroyed the whole of Africa to get back at one lion.  I don’t think you can pin that on the humans, asshole.

And, aside from that, Buster is still part human, so his disgust should come with a fair portion of self-loathing, which he doesn’t have.  But, don’t worry, I’ll loathe him enough for the both of us.

Simba looked up at his superior and questioned his motives for hating mankind.

Good call, because it did come right the fuck out of nowhere and it is totally sidelining the mission to rescue Vitani.  I’m guessing Vic completely forgot that Vitani’s rescue is the reason they’re here and not for Buster to lay down some anti-human author tract.

 “Now, Buster, why do you hate humans?”

Guys, can we focus on why you’re both here?  I don’t give a shit why Buster hates humans, it’s not pertinent at all to what you’re supposed to be doing!

And even if Buster’s view on humans was pertinent, I still wouldn’t care because he’s so fundamentally unlikable.

Buster looked down at his right hand colleague and spoke.

Aw fuck, here we go.  Everyone strap in, we’re going to get a full helping of long-winded author tract.

*sighs*

Okay, roll that tract!

 “I was a prince in Madagascar when men and women from Russia killed every lion and lioness in my mothers pride.”

Uh, no, no you weren’t.  First off, you used to be human, so not part of a pride, and second you’re sporting an American name not a Malagasy/French one.  Plus, it’s already established that you are somehow related to Professor X, so, if anything, you are Russian, not from Madagascar.

Try again, this time with lies that are a little less transparent.

At least it isn’t author’s tract.  I’ll take an ill-thought-out origin story over that any day.

 A few other cubs and I were brought back to Russia for experimental work.

Another problem.  If this IS his origin story, it doesn’t make any fucking sense.  There aren’t any lions in Madagascar, and there never have been.  Madagascar separated from mainland Africa about 135 million years ago, which was about 134 million years before fossil records place the first appearance of lions.  Hell, it split off during the Cretaceous period, so Mammals were still small and rodent-like at the time.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 30

Vic, do at least 15 seconds of research before you type something like that.

They made me half-human and gave me a task I could not have completed. That was to kill you and your Pride.

Talk about crap right the hell out of nowhere.  And it doesn’t make any sense either!  Forgiving the fact that killing Simba’s pride is total nonsense, why did they need buster to do that?  They have guns and explosives.  If they really wanted the pride dead, they could have made it happen pretty easily!

Gods damn it!  The more I read this pile of crap, the less sense it makes.

 Knowing what I went through, I could not let the same thing happen to your daughter, Kiara”

So, instead, Buster shacked up with the lioness who tried to kill you and wouldn’t have batted an eye at killing Kiara either.  What a guy.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 21

If this is you trying to make your Stu seem selfless, it really, really isn’t working, Vic.  Mostly because his alternative to killing everyone was to instead wrest power from Simba and then have the pride submit to him as King.  Not a big step up the moral ladder there, Sparky.

Simba looked down at the creatures then noticed a big mistake on Buster’s behalf. “Those are not humans! They are lions!” Simba said.

Hey look, our ‘protagonist’ made a mistake.  But there are no consequences because another character saved him from it.  King Inaction does it again!

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 22

“What? What!? Were?!” Buster yelled.

Yes.  Were.  You spent all your time bemoaning your life rather than doing anything to help them, and now they’re all dead.  Way to go.

“There”

Oh, Buster meant “Where,”  my bad.

 Buster looked closer and noticed that some of the shacks had flags similar to the flags representing Daggers conception.

What is it with these clowns and the flags?  You can have secret operations without putting flags everywhere.  In fact, they tend to be more secret if you don’t use flags.

These in fact were his fellow lions from the Outlands.

Wow, great king.  Didn’t even notice a military group of half-lions stealing his pride right out from under his nose.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 23

Outland Senate House

If that’s implying that the Lions overthrew his monarchy and instead set up a legislative system, I gotta say, good move on their part.

When Buster and Simba made there way down to the area, he noticed that there were posters of him on a lot of the buildings.

Why the hell are there pictures of Simba everywhere!?  Is this some kind of resistance movement?  Buster was hired by people to kill Simba because these other people want him as their leader?  That’s odd to say the least.  Usually you look for leadership a lot closer to home than a random lion in the middle of the Serengeti.

 He walked over to a tall building and saw that it had the words “Outland Senate House”. This was the future.

The future as in still the present, or like more than the 5 years we were quoted earlier?  Can somebody nail down that friggin’ timeline so that it stops thrashing around all over the place?

Buster before Dagger was born dreamed of calling his and Zira’s House the Outland Senate House.

Really?  That’s your dream?  To live in a place called a senate house?  I’ve heard of worse dreams, but that ones pretty lame by most standards.

Also, kind of a shame it’s got Simba’s picture on it.  He kinda punked you on that one.

But how did these strange things happen?

Everyone say it with me now:

Because-magic-thumb

How did this place just appear out of no were?

Yeah, it’s like it’s contrived and stupid that all this stuff just showed up and suddenly all the pride became gun-wielding anthropomorphs.

Why did lions all of a sudden learn how to use cameras?

See my above answer.

What kind of technology are lions capable of?

Around none.  Which makes this very suspiciously contrived, doesn’t it?

And with that, the chapter peters out.  I guess because Vic doesn’t really understand that being all wacky and random is not the same as adding mystery.  Nor does it create a cliffhanger simply by cutting out mid-scene.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I’ll see you all next week!

*Curtsies*

Somebody get me something else to wear, this sailor suit is kind of restrictive.  Maybe a ball gown or something.

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65 Comments on “769: Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Seven”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    *snerk*

    Not even into the fist fucking paragraph, and already fucked up beyond imagination?

    Why the hell would ANY title be “5 Year Later”?!

  2. The Crowbar says:

    Wait, waht? Fall of the Russian Empire?

    People being gunned down by the millions by… Cross-breeds of lions and humans?!

    What the fuck is going on?!

  3. The Crowbar says:

    *snort*

    “Untied States”…

  4. The Crowbar says:

    So basically… Lions are taking over the world now?

  5. This is by far the most willfully confusing thing I’ve ever read.

    So far.

  6. Somebody get me something else to wear, this sailor suit is kind of restrictive. Maybe a ball gown or something.

    Let’s see what the Library’s Wardrobe Department has to offer.

    :pulls up Inventory:

    Ah, here we go! And it’s made out of denim, so it’s sturdy enough to stand up to the occasional raptor-bowling incident.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    After a couple of months of working hard to achieve his position,

    *snerk*

    That’s what she said!

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, Dagger is the lamest name given a child since Jonathan Davis named his son Pirate. Actually, that happened after this fic was posted, so it’s just the lamest name.

    Yeah really. If he wanted his son to have an awesomely impractical name, he should’ve gone the Penn Jilette route and called that son CrimeFighter.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Now 5 years later, the Russian parliament was over thrown by another revolution.

    Wait, so there was another Bolshevik revolution? Thanks, Victor, now you’re about to pull another InHarmsWay and–

    Word of this first came to Buster when Frederic defected to his Pride after the falling of the Russian Empire and the rising of mankind’s ultimate mistake.

    Wh– WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!?!?!?!/

    *headdesk*

    Good Jesus, even fucking Homura Afterstory acknowledges that something has to happen! I mean, Chapter 2 of that has a ridiculous amount of padding, but at least something is going on there amid all the Stu-stroking! This is… I can’t even…

    *headdesk*

    Good God, you’re right: Jedi427’s fic was so much better than this! Jesus Christ, why the fuck did Victor Tarsus think this was acceptable writing!?

    • TacoMagic says:

      After reading this pile, I no longer feel all that bad about Fallen Lords. I mean, yeah, it’s a rushed pile of crap that only ever existed for entirely selfish purposes, but it’s quality incarnate compared to this heap.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Dude doesn’t have to have any agency, and he doesn’t have to put forth any effort at all, and he becomes the center of the universe.

    Seriously, I can think of other Stus that at least had agency.

    Kye-Stu? Gave himself biotics and shit for no reason and fighting experience that was proven to be bullshit in two seconds, but he at least went in to save Tali. It was wholly contrived and not well thought-out, but he at least had an effect on the story!

    Jerry? Well, most of that was proselytizing and stuff and Percy’s conversion was total bullshit and stuff does still fall at his feet, but at least he got out and did stuff! Like, I dunno, kill half the Greek pantheon of Gods? He at least acted!

    Jinta and BRSue? Taco already covered that. The two Stupards? Same story. Lola? Also at least did stuff!

    Hell, fucking Rae did more than Buster does, and she spent most of the time being an idiot and spouting dialogue that most four-year-olds would be embarrased to say! ‘Cause she at least ended up being all “hey, I like fruit”, and she at least fought Eliza! It was all bullshit, but she did stuff!

    *headdesk*

    Good God, what the fuck is wrong with this fic!?

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I can’t even harp on you for trivializing a massacre because it’s just so utterly ridiculous.

    I’m pretty sure the UN would be all “wait, what” if they ever found out about this.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Plus the imperialists controlled all of the Americans, north, central and south.

    Are you kidding me? These Imperialists had control of the entire American supercontinent!?!?!?!? And that happened off-screen!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

    *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

    You know what? I take back what I said about the Quarter Quell series being the worst thing this Library has ever seen. This manages to surpass that by miles, and that’s no small feat!

    • TacoMagic says:

      I still think Gabriel Hawke comes in as probably the worst thing we’ve featured so far as being a total ass-fest.

      The worst written probably goes to My Immortal because… holy shit.

      A Jedi’s Destiny is just a much wider pool of failure encompassing both horrible writing AND an ass-fest to boot. It might be overall worse just because it’s a Jack-of-all-failures.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    a lone lioness found a spot to rest from the raging storm that had raged for days

    *SIRENS BLARE*

    Oh fuck, Taco, the DRD is–

    *the DRD bursts in, ties Herr to the chair, and pushes him into the shark jump tank*

    Mmm! MMMMMMMMM!!!!! MM MMMMM MMMMMMMM MMMMMMPH—-!!!!

    *is eaten by sharks*

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And yes, my napkin folding jokes (and associated knowledge) are based on something I’ve actually thought about during a bad night of insomnia. More than once.

    Really? Huh.

    You should consider opening a restaurant, then. I would call it “The Taco Magician”.

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Humans are the death of every thing beautiful and wonderful”

    Fuck it, I’m going for two:

  16. leobracer says:

    *Humans are the death of every thing beautiful and wonderful*

    So wait?!

    Did this story just go Conversion Bureau on us, but with Lions instead of ponies?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *takes off glasses*

      My God. It’s the Conversion Bureau, before the thing became a genre!

      Shit! Run for the hills!

      • TacoMagic says:

        This thing was Conversion Bureau 10 years before Conversion Bureau was Conversion Bureau!

      • leobracer says:

        I really want to see either Bonnie Zacherle or Lauren Faust, or BOTH, rant about how much of a ridiculous idea the Conversion Bureau is, and give a certain ‘someone-who-will-not-be-named’, a massive ‘The Reason You Suck’ Speech.

  17. erttheking says:

    So is Vic planning on explaining where the fuck these hybrids came from and how they fuck they got enough military hardware to invade and conquer two continents? Or how they’re managing to occupy them? Or why they haven’t had the crap bombed out of them by America’s seven aircraft carriers?

    • TacoMagic says:

      I’m guessing his reason will be something along the lines of:

      Because Emperor Palpatine.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        Heck I’m almost praying for the Imps to roll up in a Star Destroyer and Base Delta Zero our problems away. Sure, the Earth would be slagged, but on the upside, no Buster!

  18. X Equestris says:

    Africa is in Asia. Wow, I just don’t have the words. Vic failed elementary school geography. Last chapter he failed preschool animal identification, along with a whole host of other subjects. It’s still not the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. That’s a tie between the guy who said Asia was a country in Northern Europe and the guy who said 9/11 happened in Oklahoma.


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