762: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Six

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back to A Jedi’s Destiny, a Jedi fic that dares to break the mold by not having any Jedi!

Last week we got some hardcore wish fulfillment as Simba bows down to Buster and then Buster gets it on with Zira.  Probably.  Also, we were introduced to our Awesome McEvil, Professor Charles Xavier “Tiberious” X.  He’s Russian, evil, and related to Buster in some way or another.

That’s pretty much all we had last chapter.  So, what’s in store for us this chapter?

Chapter 6

The Hunt


If you’re thinking it has something to do with the anti-lion, lion that Professor X was cooking up, then you’re on the right page.

After 2 months of working and procedures, project XT was underway.

If there’s one thing you can say about Professor X, it’s that he’s willing to put the time in and ignore deadlines to make something happen!  In another two or three decades he should be ready for the first test of the virtualized prototype!

Frederic was able to comprehend the new stream of commands via vidscreen while positioned out in the field.

Yes, because going straight to the live field-test with Buster worked out so well.


Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 22

Armed with a militia class 3-barrel gattling gun, one Siberian 88 magnum and two sets of talons, 2inch short-range gutters and 14inch war blades.


Holy shit!  Where the hell is he keeping all that!?  Dude, Fred is an anthropomorphic lion, not a friggen’ military-class Humvee!

And you know what would have saved a lot of time and money? Mounting the gatling gun to a helicopter!  Buster isn’t trying to hide, you idiots!  He spends most of his time out in the open, so just fly overhead and blast him!

 “Frederic, continue to stage 7 for test of hell fire cannon!” a voice came over a headset specially placed with in Frederic’s inferred helmet.

Infrared is a wavelength of light that we can’t see, but one that’s also used a lot in TV remotes.  If this dude’s helmet is painted infrared, I bet he has a lot of trouble programming his VCR.

“Affirmative” He replied with a lifeless computer droning voice.

A dull, lifeless voice.  I bet he and Buster will get on famously!  They already have so much in common.

 He ran like hell to a building and stopped he surveyed the building.

Building is probably where Food and Water comes from.

On the screen, there were 10-13 guards guarding a keycard to the Class seven attack chopper behind the building.

First, your future tech must not be very good if it’s giving you such vague readings on the number of guards.  Second, why are they guarding the keys to an attack chopper?  Third, why is this thing started with a keycard?  Fourth, why is the chopper itself outside behind the building if it’s important enough to have a dozen-ish guards protecting the keycard.  Wouldn’t it be more useful to guard the chopper itself?

He kneeled on the ground and pulled out the 3-barrel gattling gun.

Subtle.  I bet he and Markus got the same basic covert-ops training.  Blast everything and make sure plenty of people see you.

He aimed and fired like a mad man with a trail of shells spewing out all over the ground. Huge bullets flew through the men inside of the building.

*Raises hand*

Uh, Fred, if they’re guarding a keycard, and you’re shooting them through the walls, what, exactly, is preventing your bullets from shredding the keycard along with everything else in the room?

He ran and picked up the keycard while still firing the HFC gattling.


Even if you’ve got super-strength, a gatling gun is NOT something you can wield with one hand.  Certainly not something you fire while going through doors, down halls, and picking up things.

And if you blew away everyone in the building already, what are you firing at?

Wait… isn’t the helicopter behind thing building?  What is stopping your bullets from destroying it as they pass through the building at it?

Frederic stuffed the card in his coat pocket and shot his way through the last of the guards.

Newb.  If you can shoot the gaurds through the wall, and you commit to doing that, kill ALL the guards before proceeding.  Don’t half finish a job and then just wander around spraying bullets.  That’s a good way to run out of ammo right before a boss fight.

The gun depleted its supply of ammo and the barrels were still turning as he climbed into the choppers pilot seat.

GAH!  Why were you still firing as you were getting into a helicopter!?


Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 23

This whole scene is just idiotic.

He threw the gattling on the floor and jammed the keycard into the ignition slot on the chopper.

Uh, guy, this is a chopper, not a BMW.


You might notice a few things about that cockpit.  The most important is that there’s no place to put a key or keycard.  The reason there’s no place to put a key or keycard is that helicopters (and aviation vehicles in general) have a very complicated startup sequences that prevent your average person from just jumping in and taking off with them.  And most helicopters are stored in areas that are off-limits and protected in the first place, so a key would be redundant anyway.

Not to mention that a combat chopper would probably take at least two people, if not a crew, to get airborne anyway.

From a distance, Frederic’s father, Professor X was watching through field glasses. “Are you ready Buster!?” He thought to him self.

Vic, I know you’re trying to be mysterious, but the audience really does need to know what Prof X has against Buster.  And what the hell happened to Kahn!? Wasn’t he the guy who had it in for Buster due to reasons?  Why the sudden shift to this poorly drawn Russian idiot?

Pride Lands Simba was already to leave the pride lands with his Pride when they began to ask questions.

I hope some of those questions revolve around why they don’t just kill or drive off Buster and Zira and take the Outlands for themselves.

What will happen to us, Is there any room in the Outlands for use?

A lot of you will die from hunger and no.  What else do you want to know?

Will this Buster Betray us?

Guys, he just used the power of the plot to overthrow your leader and crown himself king.  He’s ALREADY betrayed you.  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  Buster, before this moment, had no interaction with the pack, so it wasn’t a betrayal as betraying requires a certain amount of trust to exist.  This was more of a successful offensive move to usurp power.

and so on was asked by the lioness’s before they would trench through the remains of the Pride Lands to their new home in the Outlands.

So nobody is pointing out that they have Buster and Zira outnumbered at least 15-to-1?  That surrendering their sovereignty is not necessary?  Nothing?  Bueller? Bueller?

Simba assured each of the lionesses and then turned his back on Pride Rock to face the Outlands.

Simba, it’s really hard to root for you when you’re being this big of an idiot.  Please tell me you have a sudden but inevitable betrayal planned.

Outlands Days later, the caravan of lion and lioness’s came to the same wall as Simba did before only with one side completely torn down to serve as passage to their new home.

Wait, how the fuck did that happen!?  Did Buster karate-chop the wall and it crumbled?  Zira developed a sonic-boom attack that she used to blast the wall?  Did they find a tank?  What the hell, fic!?

“Ok! Every one stay here as I go and see if Zira and Buster have changed their mind on this” Simba asked.

Now would be the time for a hostile takeover, Simba.  Just saying.  Not only do you outnumber him, but he just compromised the only defensive structure he had to help keep you all at bay.


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 17

ID’s characters display better tactical sense than Buster does.

With out any word he went for the newly opened passage way

Right, aside from all those words he just said to the entire pack.  Not counting those, naturally.

and saw that the tree was just the same as before only that their were neatly placed flags fluttering in the breeze of the late afternoon.

The hell?  Did somebody else just bust their way in here and plant some flags?  What’s going on, fic?

Three flags with the symbol of an eagle with its head facing to the left siting on a small gray symbol.  It’s wings facing straight down its body. Simba looked at it for a few minutes and then heard Zira’s voice.

Ah, so I guess the US decided to barge in and lay claim to this 6-mile-wide jungle that’s out in the middle of nowhere.  For reasons, of course.

Lots of tactical advantage to having a lot of trees in the middle of a desert, don’tcha know.

“It’s ok Simba, don’t be alarmed by the flags. They just represent my pregnancy” Simba looked strangely at Zira and then came closer.

What. The. FUCK!?

So, these are Buster’s flags?   Where in the name of crap did he get them?  And if he made them, how in the name of the twelve hells did he do that!?  If he just  had them laying around, why did he have those flags!?  What’s the point?  Did the military give them to him just in case he got a lioness pregnant?  Why did he need a flag if that happened!?



Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 24

This makes even LESS sense than Markus’s datapad of endless knowledge being the key to transferring ownership of the super-base to him!

“So you are going to bear Buster cub are you” Simba asked.

Nope, we got it in a pod full of goo out back, you idiot.

“Yes I am. Were is the rest of the Pride!” Zira asked.   For a couple seconds, Simba noticed that Zira was in fact getting a little fatter.

Dude, not cool.  No matter how big a pregnant lady gets, you don’t refer to it as fat.  That’s a good way to get yourself killed.

“They are just out side Zira. Do you want me to get them?” “Yes, that would be nice” She replied as she turned to see her mate emerge from the cave in the tree.

Gods dammit!  Not another Tree Cave!  The one in Raptor and I was enough, thank-you-very-much!

Also, Vic:


Dialogue better.

“Good morn, beloved” She said cheerfully and then walked over to him.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here, gagging quietly to myself.

“Ah, Simba, good to see you. Were are you going?” Buster said with a tired voice.

Not sure if changing his voice from a robotic droning to tired is a move up or down on the voice continuum.

“I’m just going to get the rest of your new Pride” Simba said with Pride.


Vic, you are not funny or subtle.  Nor would Simba be taking this laying down.

*Looks at the $21 million dollar PCC contract payment into Simba’s private account*

OK, well, there are extenuating circumstances here.

After Simba disappeared around the corner, Buster looked at Zira. “You know, Zira, I’ve always looked forward to this day.” Buster said.

Of course you have.  You are an unrepentant douchebag who side-line quarterbacked Simba’s rule while being wholly unqualified to actually do a better job.


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 18

As much as Fred is a flat, uninteresting mini-boss for Buster to beat and look awesome while doing so, I’m still going to root for him.

Eliza!  Get the darkwraiths to make me a Team Fred foam finger!

*A pie flies into the room and hits Taco in the face*

Hazelnut and pistachio,  I guess she’s still mad at me.

“I know you have looked forward to this day” Zira said. Simba appeared around the corner and who followed would be Buster and Zira’s salvation.

Salvation from what, precisely?  From their evil?  Seems like they’re well on their way to affirming their evil solidly in their psyche’s if you ask me.

After every one of the lionesses were sitting in the presence of Buster, their new king, Buster spoke.

Oh crap, everyone strap in for a long and egotistical speech.

“Welcome to your new home lady’s, Simba.

That sentence hurts to read.

I hope as we prosper, we can get to know each of you”

I hope that by “prosper” you mean “dwindle to sustainable numbers.”

interrupted by a female in the back. “Mother?!”

Somebody interrupted the speech!?

I’m guessing this is going to be Vitani, Zira’s only daughter who joins with Simba’s pride rather than allow her mother’s festering hate to continue to divide the pack.

You know, the lioness who actually displays qualities befitting a protagonist.

Vitani asked. Zira pushed buster aside and looked into the crowed and saw her only daughter with tears in her eyes.

This reunion is going better than expected, since Vitani was the first of the outsiders to turn against her mother and side with Kovu and Kiara to end the fighting.

“Vitani? Come here and give me huge hug my baby Vitani!” Zira cried.

A lot better than expected.  It’s like this fic doesn’t even have the same characters in it or something.

 Vitani got and ran to her mother. When she got into her Zira’s grasp, they both feel to the ground crying.

For crap’s sake, Vic!  There are more emotions than bawling!


And gods forbid you use the natural animosity these two would feel towards each other to create some kind of tension.  Tension, who needs it, right?  I mean, tension might actually make this thing interesting, and we can’t have that stand in the way of all the wish-fulfillment.

 “Mother, it’s so wonderful your alive and what’s more, you and Buster have excepted us as a part of your Pride” Vitani said.

Yeah, because that doesn’t totally contradict Vitani’s realization that both prides were actually the same at the end of the movie.

Vic, you totally missed the point of the movie because you can’t think past the end of your penis.  So much for being a fan, you can’t even get one thing right about it.  Not one.

You could say he got the names right, but that doesn’t count in my book if he can’t get the characterization right.  He’s just given generic lions some of the names from the movie so he can fantasize about having sex with another generic lion with a name from the movie.  Pretty sad, really.

 “Welcome home Vitani. I’m your stepfather Buster” Buster said as he bent closer to Vitani. Vitani got up and nuzzled her stepfather’s gray main.

OK, so we’re up to one thing we know for sure about Buster’s description.  He’s got a gray water main sticking out of him.  It’s also at a height that it could be easily nuzzled, so I’m just going to picture it sticking out of his side.

Buster nuzzled her back and the lionesses’ awed.

*Twitch Twitch*

Awed does not mean what you think it means, Vic.  I really, really hope that you picked up a dictionary at least once while writing that book you’ve been working on for 13 years.  Otherwise if you self-publish it, you’re gonna be seeing it here.

“Look Buster is nice and not evil at all” they all said to each other.

And that, ladies and gentleman is how you tell the audience what they’re supposed to think about your character.  It’s like Vic understood that his character was an unlikable, evil dickbag that nobody was going to identify with, but also couldn’t think up a way to fix the situation.  When that happens, bad authors fall back on the tried and true method of flat-out telling the audience how to feel about the character.


Sorry, Sparky, your character is still an unlikable bag of ass and I will continue to hope that Fred blows him up.

I’m also going to hold out some hope that Vitani suddenly comes to her senses and assassinates him.

After a good 2 hours of questions, Buster saw two figures in the distance.

Two hours!?  What the hell?  What questions could the pack have that would take two hours to field?  And if they had important questions, WHY CAN’T THE AUDIENCE SEE THE ANSWERS!?  There’s a lot of shit that doesn’t make sense here, Vic, and this would have been the perfect time to exposition dump us some answers to try to straighten this mess out!  I mean yeah, random exposition is usually uncalled for, but at this point I’d rather have that than continue to suffer through the massive amount of confusion you’ve built up.

It was Kovu and Kiara with their son Taka.

Ooooookay?  Why weren’t they with the rest of the group?  This is their pride, too.  Hell, Kiara is heiress incumbent.  Why were they 2 hours late to this party!?

Buster began to speak. “Is that Kovu Zira?”

Without knowing if it’s normal for lions to take their mother’s name as their surname, I’ll say… yes?

Zira looked up from the lionesses and gasped. “Well it is my second son Kovu. Kovu!” she yelled.

Why the hell is this surprising!?  You KNEW he had a thing for Kiara, that’s one of the reasons he ended up changing sides.  Why would you expect anything OTHER than him being with Kiara as part of this pride!?

*Shakes Fic*


Kovu looked up startled and then ran to his mother.

Well, there you go, the fic can make sense.  Kovu would indeed be surprised to see his mother alive.

He stopped two feet short and then asked a question. “Will you forgive me, mother?”


Nope, sorry, you made sense for one line and then lost it.  If anything, Zira should be asking HIM for forgiveness.  Especially if she is truly repentant for being an evil, manipulative, power-hungry, homicidal usurper.  Not to mention she tried to raise  him to be just as bad.  Kovu realized this at the end of the movie and would probably NOT be begging for forgiveness now.  If anything, he’d probably have greeted her with open hostility.

Zira looked hard down at her second son and then slowly a smile made it’s way to her lips. “Of course I forgive you my son. Join us your family in our new home.

You’ll get to sit around paying homage to a giant asshole while slowly starving to death!  It’ll be great!

 “New home?” Kiara asked confused.

Uh, if Kiara didn’t know that they were migrating to a new home, why is she here?  Does Kovu just get up in that morning and say, “Let’s walk in a random direction until we find the plot!”

“Kiara, this is our new home” Nala said as she made her way to her daughter.

Sorry that it’s so underwhelming, but it’s the only place left in Africa that wasn’t sandsploded.

 “I see” she said sarcastically.

Aaaand Kiara is now my favorite character.  Finally somebody is showing the correct amount of enthusiasm for this cluster-fuck.

 “Kiara!” Simba snapped. “This is our home now” Simba finished.

Saying it like a jerk doesn’t make it any less stupid, Simba.

“So, we have another kingdom to goof up, uh” she said sarcastically again.

It’s like she already knows that Buster completely lacks all the qualities of a competent leader.  Too bad she’s a canon character, otherwise I’d have Crunchy prepping on the literary incursion teleporter right now.

“Kiara! This is not our kingdom. It’s Buster and Zira’s kingdom and we are going to follow their laws as long as we are under their jurisdiction” Nala said with pride.

Which means it’s going in the shitter even faster than normal.

Please, Kiara, you’re my last hope of somebody realizing that your pride heavily outnumbers Buster and Zira.  I’ll even rethink my “no evacuating canon characters” policy if you point it out.

“What! It’s Zira’s kingdom!?” she blurted out.

That was my response too.  The shock and disbelief doesn’t go away, but you do learn to live with it.

“Not just Zira’s but mine as well, Kiara” Buster said with a funny gaze.

imagesDude, stop it, your face is gonna stick that way.

“Ok father, if this is our new home, it’s our new home” Kiara said with a drop of tone in her voice.

Damn, another canon character rolls over for the Stu.  We need to change scenes soon before I start getting violent.

Drop Site

Please be Fred, please be Fred, please be Fred-

Frederic landed the chopper on top of the old Pride rock and surveyed the area.

YES!  In your face, Buster!  Now we get to follow the guy who is slightly less unlikable than you are!

“Last indication of Lions: searching, searching: 4.3 days past.

*Raises hand*

Uh, Professor X has the location of Buster.  His minions said that they had found exactly where he was. So, why are you landing at pride rock, moron?  This just reeks of shoddy middle-management.

Locating direction taken: searching, searching: northeast, 20 degrees north.” A stream of Russian text reported and surveyed. “Following northeast 20 degrees” it said again.

Good, so get that chopper moving!

Frederic jumped out of the chopper and then looked down at his vidscreen to introduce the serum system to totally reconstruct his DNA strings.


Why not take the chopper!?

He pushed a red glowing button and then went through the same procedure Buster did, but faster.

Why?  What the fuck for?  Why is him being a lion important?  And if him being a lion is important, WHY DID HE HAVE ALL THOSE WEAPONS!?  He can’t use them if he’s a lion!  Talk about entirely pointless!

Unless of course everything is anthropomorphic as the fic sometimes suggests and at other times rescinds.

After the conversion, he packed his weapons neatly into his pack and ran in the direction of the 4 day old path.

So… he’s actually an anthropomorph… right?  I mean, he’s got a backpack, so he has to be, right?  If that’s the case then Buster is too because it’s the same process, it even says so.  But if Buster’s anthropomorphic, why haven’t any of the other lions said anything?  That would be pretty noticeable.  Does that mean they they are all anthropomorphic?  I sure hope so, because otherwise that makes Buster having sex with Zira pretty squicktastic.

VIC!  For once in your life describe something!


This fic is seriously the most confusing pile of literary trash I’ve had to suffer through for the Library.

On the way to the Outlands, Frederic hunted for his food.

Dude, everything’s desert.  Next time bring some MREs or something.

A saw three Deer like animals and pulled out his Siberian 88 magnum.

We’re just going to add “Guns” to the list of things Vic doesn’t understand and couldn’t be bothered to research.

Let me lay it out there for you, patrons: First, a Siberian 88 magnum isn’t a thing.  Siberian isn’t a line of guns that exist, and .88 caliber magnum bullets don’t exist either.  Even if those were a thing, it would be a bullet nearly an inch in diameter.  That’s impractical as you can get for hunting for a lot of reasons.  First, the kick and weight of that thing would be monstrous, making it hard to aim.  You’d be lucky to be able to hit something 50 yards away with an .88 mag pistol.  Second, an .88 mag bullet would to a tremendous amount of damage to whatever it hit, rending most of it inedible.  You just don’t need that big of a bullet to drop a deer, not even a shotgun slug is that big!  Finally, a Siberian .88 mag would likely be a pistol.  You don’t hunt with a pistol in a wide-open area where things are gonna see you coming a few hundred yards away.  You need a rifle, idiot!

Vic, do yourself a favor and stop writing about things you have absolutely no knowledge about.  Research first, writing after.

The first shot was loud and splattered blood from one of them to another’s face. He fired another shot and then another.

Because he’s evil, got it?

He picked up a small heater from his pack and then placed it on the ground. Huge flames spewed out of the heater and then he took a chunk of flesh from one of the creatures.

Vic, it’s called a stove, not a heater.  A heater is something you use to warm an area, you cook with a stove.  If there are flames shooting out of your heater, it’s probably not working right.

He cooked it until it was black and took out his 2inch gutter talons and cut a piece off of the cooking meat.

We get it, you’re trying to make Fred seem all scary.  But this is coming off as totally ridiculous.  Dude wastes some deer with a pistol that’s as big as a flare gun, pulls out a heater that’s obviously malfunctioning, char-blackens the meat like somebody who has never used a grill before, and then cuts it with one of his idiotic weapons.    How are we not supposed to find this laughable?

I’m just going to call Fred Capt. Goofy from now on.

After 2 hours, he finished eating every inch of flesh on all three Zebras.


You just said they were deer-like creatures less than a paragraph ago!  Gazelle are deer-like creatures, Zebra are horse or donkey-like.  Hell, my 4-year old knows the difference!

I’m adding “preschool animal identification” to the things that Vic sucks at.

 He continued to survey the area when a dark lion approached him from behind.

Wow, lots of vaguely evil wandering around.  Must be the bad part of the void.

“Who are you!?” he asked. Frederic did not reply to the lion’s question. “Who the hell are you!” He yelled at him. “What are all these things you stupid mute dope!?” He asked again.

Random lion is kind of a dick.  Not sure that if I was a lion that I’d be so ready to wander up to a random lion/human hybrid and start insulting him.

“I am a hunter of Buster Stewart Masterson” Frederic replied.

Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

And wasn’t his name was Buster Tiberius in the last chapter… when did it change?

*Shakes Fic*

I’m too dispirited and confused at this point to even yell at you, fic.

“Who is that, wait, let me introduce my self. I am Alicia. From Outlander Pride. What grudge do you hold against my King and Master?” Alicia asked.

Bwa? But you just said you didn’t know who Buster was!  What the hell, Alicia?

You can also tell that Alicia is not a canon character because her name isn’t Swahili like the rest of the lions.  Smooth, Vic.

*Add “Swahili” to the growing list of things Vic sucks at*

Frederic looked at the lioness and answered. “I must kill him”


Alicia looked at this strange lion and then turned around to leave. “Hold it! Turn and face me!” He yelled. Alicia turned to see him with a stick of some sort in his right paw. “What is that!?” She yelled.

That’d be a stick.  Pretty sure you’ve seen one or two of those laying around the Savanna.

He got up on his hunches and then held the strange stick against his shoulder and spoke. “Stop or I’ll kill you” He said.

Good to see Capt. Goofy making friends.

“With that stick. Yeah right moron!” Alicia sarcastically remarked. Then in the blink of an eye,

In the blink of an eye, the Author forgot to


Alicia went blank and woke up in pain in her sister’s den, Zira.

They named the den, Zira?  I thought that was the “Queen’s” name?

 “Oh! What happened to me?” She moaned as she tried to get up.

Bad case of contrived plot.

 “Don’t move Alicia. You were the first lion of this pride to be shot by a gun” Buster said as he looked her over.

A gun!?  Then what was that stick business all about!?  And where did Capt. Goofy get a gun that could hit something without killing it?

That’s it!  I’ve let this gun shenanigans go on long enough unchecked!


Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 25

Nothing about this fic ever makes any fucking logical sense!  I just- just- so stupid- the- gah- overwhelming- GAH!


I’m beginning to think that this is the absolute worst fic I’ve found yet.  It’s certainly makes the least sense.  Absolutely nothing in it operates on any kind of logic at all!

“And apparently, it was a single bullet from a HFC gattling.  Very deadly machine that hell fire cannon”


Vic, stop writing about guns.  You really, really don’t know what you’re talking about.  There is just so many things wrong with that claim that I can’t even begin to know where to start.  I’m gonna try anyway:

First, gatling guns aren’t a single-shot weapon. If she got hit by one bullet, she’d be hit by a LOT of bullets.

Second, gatling guns typically use high-caliber rifle bullets, usually 7.62×51, but also 5.56 and other rifle cartridges.  You don’t get hit by one of those and survive without extreme medical support.

Third, there is no way to know what weapon that bullet was fired from! Rifle cartridges are a fairly common.  If she was shot once, a gatling gun would be the LAST thing you’d think of.  Rather, you’d think of a rifle.

Fourth, if he tried to fire a gatling gun at her, she would have noticed because they have to spool up to speed before the first round can be fired.

Finally, the gatling gun ran out of ammo when he captured the chopper, so he couldn’t have shot her with it.

Alicia looked up at her leaders face and made a funny face. “What are you talking about Buster, sir?” she asked.

Can everyone stop making faces at each other, please?  This is a lion pride, not a clown college.

Zira came in from eating and saw that her only sister was on her bed with a huge blood crusted wound on her left shoulder.

Oh good, not only does Zira now have a sister with a random German name instead of a Swahili one, but said sister has also been the victim of the most cliché wound that Hollywood has ever come up with: the shoulder shot.

*Slow clap*

“What happened to you. Get stepped on or something?” Zira asked as she laid down next to Alicia.

Ahh, sisters.

“Your sibling has been the first victim of what I feared of ever since we meet a year ago, Zira. My Russian friend, Professor T. X has retaliated and sent another of my kind to kill me and do the tests I was designed for” Buster said as he laid his head on Zira’s back.

It’s EXPOSITION!  What a show!

It’s EXPOSITION!  Boy it blows…

What everylion should ask right now: “What do you mean ‘one of your kind?’ We thought you were a lion!?  What haven’t you been telling us!?”

Instead, they say:

“What are you talking about Sir” Alicia asked.

Honestly, I’ll take it.  At least now I’m not the only one totally confused by this fic.

 “Never mind” Zira told her as she started to nod off to sleep.

If by “nod off to sleep” you mean “succumbs to her internal injuries” then yes, that’s accurate.

Simba woke up after he and Nala rested in the tree.

Guys, hate to break it to you, but neither of you are monkeys.  Lions aren’t really know for sleeping in tre-

160112074641--two sleepy lions resting in a tree was taken in Kidepo Valley National Park by whl travel




Oh… carry on then.

There was no one around for miles and he sat up and stretched his back muscles.

Nobody around for miles?  But their little slice of forest is only 3 miles in radius.  Where the hell is this tree?  Do they normally head a few leagues out of town to nap?

Nala woke up a couple of minutes later. “What time of day do you think it is, Simba?” asked as she leaned over her son, Jester.


Still a stupid name.  Even stupider now that I remember that it’s also not Swahili like it should be.

Seriously, Vic, did you even watch the movies?

“I don’t know, Nala. I have to get used to this latitude and longitude before I can tell what time is what around here.

Yeah, because the Sun is really hard to find in order to figure that shit out.


I kind of like it here anyway” Simba said as he peered out side.

“Peered outside?”  But, you’re in a tree.  You are outside!

 He then noticed a lion high above him watching him with a shinny material around his eyes.

O hai, Capt. Goofy!  If you’re here to kill Buster, he’s in that small forest surrounded by the rock wall.  Hard to miss since it’s 300 foot tall and in the middle of a flat wasteland.

Buster came out of his part of the tree and saw Simba Squinting at something.

So, by “nobody around for miles” the narration meant that Simba and Nala weer surrounded by losers rather than actually alone.  English can be a very nuanced language at times.

“What are you looking at, Simba?” Buster asked. “That lion way, way up there” Simba replied turning his head to face Buster. “What lion?” Buster asked again.

The one over there, by the formless bit of the void.

“That one right there in that crevice of shrubs and stuff”


Oh, there. Ahh that’s just, wait. That’s not Nuka, is it?” Buster said as he stared at the lion.


Dude, I know this is a masturbatory, wish-fulfillment fic, but can you please leave at least one of the lions dead!?

Nuka, I’m digging the Kano look.  I’m sure you aren’t a reconstructed evil lion-cyborg sent to kill Buster.  And if you are, all the better!

“No! Buster! Please don’t remind me of Nuka, Please.” Zira asked with tears in her eyes as she started to make some attempt to bond with Vitani.

This would be touching or heart-wrenching if the fic had provided characters that I could give a shit about.

Uh? Sorry Zira, dear” Buster said. Buster turned to face Simba who was not making a sound. “Simba? What did you do to my step son any way?” Buster asked.

I guess the view from the cheap seats was obstructed when Kano Nuka died.  That’s why you’re an ass AND a pretender king, sparky.

And you should really ask Zira about that, it’s a great story.

It was not my fault, Buster. The logs he was on just weren’t steady enough and he fell. That’s all I know of. Unless Zira will tell us what happened after I left. That’s all I know, Buster” Simba said.

Kinda true.  The missing part was that the only reason Simba was on the logs was because it was part of Zira’s plan to assassinate him.  Kovu had a change of heart and tried to stop the plan, but Nuka came in and made things go all sideways.  In the end, the logs are released and end up killing Nuka instead of Simba.  Ultimately, Nuka died because Zira killed the wrong lion.  So, yeah, it’s all Zira’s fault.  I’m sure Vic remembered that.


What? I’m totally sincere in that belief.

 “Well if you wanted to know Buster. You just had to ask me. After Simba got away and the dust had settled again, Nuka was beneath a couple of logs. His last words at all were. I’m sorry mother. I tried. He died with out much of my motherly love in his life. I guess he died knowing that I-I loved him” Zira finished with a tremor in her voice. “Buster moved back towards her and laid a paw on her folded paws as she quietly began to cry.


Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 26

So there it is, that whole plot point is twisted to make it a tragic accident.  Suuuuuure.


Sorry, bucko, but you don’t get to do that.  The ONLY reason anyone was near those logs was because you had Kovu bait Simba onto them as part of your plan to kill him.  The fact that you killed Nuka instead does not absolve you from the murder.  Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

At least she owns up to being a lousy mother.  That’s true no matter which of her children you use as the metric.  I’m sure it’ll be true of the next one, too.

Gods I hope Cyber-Nuka comes in and kills all these idiots.

Frederic finally came to a stop and saw smoke in the distance. In his helmet, a square picked an area and then enlarged it. “So that’s Buster’s little hiding place” Professor X said. For he was watching the whole thing back in Russia.

*Facepalm* *Headdesk*

So, that whole “we know where Buster is” thing his minions said was something along the lines of, “HE’S IN AFRICA!”  Way too much middle-management going on there.

Anyway, that’s the end of chapter six!  Don’t worry folks, it only gets worse from here.  Until next week, patrons!


95 Comments on “762: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Six”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Armed with a militia class 3-barrel gattling gun,


    What the fuck!? A Gatling gun? Why the fuck would you carry a piece of dated Civil War technology around with you? Wasn’t the machine gun supposed to be the portable version of that!?


    • The Crowbar says:

      And what the fuck does “class 3” mean?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I think he meant “militia class” to be its own thing, since the 3 describes the amount of barrels it had. Which makes no sense because most Gatling guns had twice the amount of barrels, but there you go.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Even modern gatling (mini) guns have at least 5 barrels.

        I didn’t harp on that because it’s feasible to create a gatling gun with 3 barrels, but rather impractical.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, because it overheats like a motherfucker.

        The more barrels, the longer you can fire before you need to cool your jets.

        My God, I know this and I didn’t even have to think about it! This author is pathetic.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Well, it IS kind of a no-brainer, especially with a weapon with such a fire rate…

      • TacoMagic says:

        Right, with the Hellfire Gatling’s impressive [redacted] rounds per minute fire rate, it’ll never be able to keep cool with only 3 barrels.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Affirmative” He replied with a lifeless computer droning voice.

    Oh hell no!

    Let’s hope Legion doesn’t get in on the action…

    • The Crowbar says:

      “We judge that participating in this work of fiction or terminating the source of the “lifeless computer droning voice” does not have any foreseeable positive outcomes for us. 1183 programs agree with Shepard: “I’m too busy saving the galaxy.”

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This whole scene is just idiotic.

    It’s the Kye Jen syndrome again, I’m sure of it. Though in this case, it’s actually worse because Kye Jen at least had the decency to stick to updated weapons.

    Come to think of it, did Vic actually know that a Gatling gun was a glorified cannon?

    • SC says:

      Clearly not.

      It didn’t even fire bullets, either. It fired loose shrapnel like nails and shit because all the bullets were going towards the infantry rifles and whatnot and because people didn’t know what the term “belt-fed” even WAS.

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s a hard one to call Gatling is a reference to spinning barrel design, which is still appropriate for modern rotable barrel guns in a colloquial sense. However, Minigun is the accepted term for gatling weapons the fire rifle cartridges, and Vulcan canon for those that fire AM ordinance.

      It’s hard to know if Canadian colloquial language have kept gatling while the rest of the world has moved on, so I didn’t really address it.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Going to Uncle Google quickly, it doesn’t seem like the case that “Gatling gun” is used for machine guns in Canada.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Well, gatling guns and machine guns are sorta different things.

        Gatling guns (miniguns) are those with rotable barrels. Machine guns are single-barrel jobs.

        That said, all miniguns are machine guns, but not all machine guns are miniguns.

        But we’re also talking colloquialisms of 2001 here, that might be hard to find on the internet.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hm, fair enough. Perhaps Vic can clarify if he ever finds this snarking?

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “It’s ok Simba, don’t be alarmed by the flags. They just represent my pregnancy”

    Bajigga–WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?


    My God, what is that? Why would you even represent pregnancy with flags!? What!?

    • The Crowbar says:

      Don’t you know?

      When pregnant, all women plant period-colored flags and fake placenta-sacks on their lawns.

    • And they just had sex! How could she possibly know she was pregnant the next day? It’s like “Hey, we rubbed our genitals together once, and now I’m starting to get a bit fat! It couldn’t possibly be all the sleeping and eating I’ve been doing, so I must be pregnant. We must celebrate my virility with festive banners!”

      • SC says:

        She has an internal pregnancy radar like a fucking sniper rifle, God damn.

      • Or Buster has some kind of mutated sperm that rapidly accelerates her pregnancy. I just hope it doesn’t go all Chestburster on her.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Near the beginning it’s implied that this chapter takes place 2 months after the last one.

        Of course, that doesn’t make things more logical. Why would it have taken Simba’s Pride 2 months to pack up and move?

        Vic’s understanding of time is pretty tenuous in this fic.

    • SC says:

      Bajigga–WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

      *SC devolves into a giggling fit for no explainable reason*

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Hazelnut and pistachio, I guess she’s still mad at me.

    Well, I gotta give her props: she’s smart enough to avoid my key lime pie stash.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Otherwise if you self-publish it, you’re gonna be seeing it here.

    Wait, I thought we only did fanfiction, though.

    • SC says:

      I guess we’re changing things up a bit.

    • TacoMagic says:

      His novel is based in the Halo Universe, but with anthropomorphs.

      He probably doesn’t realize he needs a license from Bungee/Microsoft to publish it, but that never stopped fic authors from doing stupid things.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ah. And is it explicitly so?

      • TacoMagic says:

        It’s kinda vague on that bit. Just said it’s based in the Halo Galaxy.

        However, he’s been working on it for 14 years without any mention of progress in the last 3 years, so I highly doubt we’ll ever see it anyway.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It was Kovu and Kiara with their son Taka.

    • SC says:


      Literally, WHAT?

      You named your cub after one of the chief members of Team Four Star?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Dude, this was written in like, 2001. I’m not sure Team Four Star was a thing back then…

      • SC says:

        Maybe not. I don’t know.

        All the same though, that’s the name they went with? Well, hell, their own parents were a lot more imaginative with the named if their children, weren’t they?

      • TacoMagic says:

        It’s even funnier in that Taka is the only legitimately Swahili name that Vic gives any of his characters.

        A shame that Taka is Swahili for “garbage.”

        So, yeah, Kiara and Kovu name their kid “Trash.”

        Wish I’d have put that in the riff, actually.

      • fledglinghuman says:

        Taka was also Scar’s real name, according to extended universe short stories. Odd that the daughter of the lion Scar betrayed and Scar’s “adopted” lookalike son who hates everything about Scar would choose that name for their son…

        Also, isn’t a group of lions a pride…?

        • TacoMagic says:

          Taka kinda makes sense for Scar because the other meaning for Taka is covetous, which is fitting. “Garbage” is just the funnier meaning.

          And are groups of lions prides? Well, sorta. A lion pride is a full, hierarchal group of lions. There are also male-only groups which are just packs.

          Pack would also be an acceptable term for a pride since a pride meets all the criteria for a pack. So all prides are packs, but not all packs are prides. Pack is just not as specific a term in this case.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    We’re just going to add “Guns” to the list of things Vic doesn’t understand and couldn’t be bothered to research.

    And you didn’t think to do that when he was running around carrying a Gatling gun with him because…?

  9. The Crowbar says:

    This shit is getting crazier by the freakin’ second.

    Pregnancy-flags?! Running around with gatling guns?! And it goes on and on and on!

  10. Your sibling has been the first victim of what I feared of ever since we meet a year ago, Zira.

    Wait, they’ve known each other for a whole year? When the hell did that timesquiggle take place?

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Absolutely nothing in it operates on any kind of logic at all!

    And now you know what I dealt with when I was snarking Asari Healing.

  12. SC says:

    English can be a very nuanced language at times.

    It takes a bit of a witty mind to speak it in its fullest quality, too, what with all the jokes there are that depend on certain words or phrasings of things.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I don’t know, Nala. I have to get used to this latitude and longitude before I can tell what time is what around here.


    Wait, what? They’re not that far away from their old latitude and longitude! They were able to walk a couple hours to get to their new home!


    Vic! What the hell are you smoking!?

  14. SC says:

    saw three Deer like animals and pulled out his Siberian 88 magnum

    I hear “.88 magnum” and think of a certain piece of WWII hardware.

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The ONLY reason anyone was near those logs was because you had Kovu bait Simba onto them as part of your plan to kill him. The fact that you killed Nuka instead does not absolve you from the murder.

    And don’t forget that Nuka felt like the neglected member here! Hell, there was even a cut version of the final lines that even got some unfinished animation. Said animation was colored on YouTube, and it produced this:

  16. leobracer says:

    What the hell happened in the first part of this chapter?

    Because I have no idea what the heck is going on.

  17. leobracer says:


    Where in the name of the gods did this asshole get flags?

  18. Delta XIII says:

    Anyway, that’s the end of chapter six! Don’t worry folks, it only gets worse from here.

    Oh yay. I am positively nauseous with anticipation.
    *twitch twitch*

  19. leobracer says:

    *Reads Taco’s rant about the so-called Siberian .88 Magnum.*

    Wow Taco, you certainly know more about guns than I do.

  20. X Equestris says:

    So, Taco, what’s the complete list of things Vic can’t be bothered to get right? I mean looking at this chapter alone it’s got to be pretty long.

  21. X Equestris says:

    This author’s inability to use “were” and “where” properly is getting a little annoying.

  22. Colonel deFraug says:

    So. Fred is stealing an attack chopper in Russia? Huh.

    Well, Taco, he might actually be nabbing a Ka-50 (NATO reporting name Hokum, unofficial nickname Black Shark), which actually happens to be a single-seat attack helo. Now, if we assume that the helo has been properly fueled and armed, with charged onboard batteries, starting it up is quite simple. (We will also assume that PrPNK and ABRIS data are loaded.)

    First, you will flip the AKK1 and AKK2 battery covers and switches up. Next, you will make sure that the electrical power inverter switch is set to auto. Now, you will want to check the EKRAN system. Flip the hydraulic/transmission group and EKRAN power supply switch to the down position. The EKRAN display should light up for a short while, followed by the EKRAN FAILURE signal going off. Now press and release the MWL button. The EKRAN display should display the SELFTEST message. Wait five seconds. If the system is serviceable, EKRAN READY should replace the SELFTEST message.

    We will now check the Emergency Warning System and the lighting systems. Press the Warning, Cautions, and Advisory lamps test button. All lights should illuminate. Release the button, and all lights should return to their previous state. If flying at night it is recommended to turn on the following lights: gauges illumination, ADI and HSI illumination, Navigation lights, Tip lights, Formation lights, Anti-collision light, and the Landing-search light. If you are using NVGs, turn on Cockpit night illumination, and turn off Gauges illumination and ADI/HSI illlumination.

    Now, flip the ABRIS power switch to on. We will skip the check sequence here, as we are assuming that everything is properly preloaded and aligned.

    Activate the Weapons System switch.

    We will now activate and check the ADF. Make sure the channel selector corresponds with the inner and outer NDBs of your airfield. Switch the NDB’s beacon mode switch to INNER. Set the ADF mode switch to Antenna. Wait for a minute, confirming you pick up a broadcast from the inner NDB every 15 seconds. Now switch the ADF mode to COMPASS. Make sure the bearing needle on the HSI points to the inner NDB. Repeat this process with the NDB beacon mode switch set to OUTER. Leave said switch on outer.

    Next up is the IR countermeasures. Flip the Countermeasure systems power switch to ON. Now set the Quantity-Program switch to Program. Set the desired number of flares sequences with it’s button. Now set the salvo size per sequence with the Salvo button. Now set the time-delay between salvos with the Interval button. Finally, set the Quantity-Program switch to Quantity to display the number of flares remaining.

    We are now ready to move onto engine start procedures.

    First you will test the EGT indicator with the EGT check with stopped engines button. The EGT indicator should show temps of over 800 degrees C when the button is depressed.

    Now, check the fire extinguishing system. Flip the Fire Extinguisher Work-Off-Test to Test. Now set the Fire Signalling switch to ON. Now, set the Fire Warning Sensor Group Tests switch to 1st group. The lights for Right Engine Fire, Left Engine Fire, Hydraulics Fire, Oil Cooling Fan Fire, APU fire, the MWL, and the FIRE light should all illuminate. Now set the FWSGT switch to neutral. Toggle the Fire Signalling switch off and on. All fire light should go out. Repeat this process for Groups 2 and 3. The APU Fire light will not illuminate with Group 3, as there are only sensors for Groups 1 and 2 in the APU compartment. Now that all fire lights are out, flip the FE W-O-T to Work. Now set the Extinguishers switch to 1st extinguisher.

    Next, flip the VHF-2 switch to ON. You should be able to talk with others on VHF now.

    Now test the VMU. Press the ALMAZ check button. You should hear the message “Voice warning system OK.” (In Russian, mind.)

    Check to make sure the rotor area is clear of people or foreign objects. Blade strike sucks.

    Flip the Fuel Meter Power switch to ON.

    Close the cockpit door.

    We will now start the APU. Set the APU Fuel Valve switch to ON. The APU Valve Open light should glow green. Now set the Forward Fuel Tank Pumps and Rear Fuel Tank Pumps to ON. Their corresponding lights should glow green. Set the Engine Work Mode switch to Start. Set the Engine/APU selector to APU. Press the Selected Engine/APU Start-up button. Monitor the APU EGT during the start-up cycle to make sure temps never climb above 850C at any point. The cycle should not take any longer than 24 seconds. The APU On light should come on, along with the APU Oil Pressure Normal light. EGT should not be above 720C.

    Wait at least one minute.

    We are now ready to bring the main engines on-line.

    Disengage the rotor brake.

    Open the fuel valve for the engine you intend to start first. Unlike the APU, the light for the fuel valve denotes the valve being closed, and will extinguish. Now flip the switches for the electronic engine governors to ON. Select the desired engine, then press the engine start button.

    Once engine RPM reaches 20%, move the appropriate engine cutoff lever to the OPEN position. The engine should automatically reach Idle in less than 60 seconds. When oil pressure in the engine gearbox reaches normal, a corresponding light should illuminate. During this process, it is important to watch that: GG RPM increases smoothly with no ‘freezing’, EGT increases, rotor movement initiates no later than GG RPM of 25%, the starter disengages (indicated by the Start Valve light going out) between 60 and 65% GG RPM, and that hydraulic fluid pressure increases in all systems.

    Check rotor RPM at idle. Rotor operation at below 54-62% is not advised.

    Repeat process for the second engine. You will want to bring your idle rotor RPM up to 62-70%.

    Once both engines are started and running normally, press the Stop APU button and close the APU shut-off valve.

    Do not increase engine power past idle until output oil temp reaches +30C for the engines, and -15C for the main gearbox.

    Now, it’s time for preflight tests. These are really very simple, so we won’t go over them here, nor will we go over some preference settings.

    And that’s how you get a Ka-50 Black Shark ready to fly! Simple, right?

    (BTW, what chopper is that cockpit from, Taco?)

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *looks at all the instructions*

      My God.

      I couldn’t even get through half of that!


      Yep, Vic definitely doesn’t know what he was talking about!

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        I suppose the TL;DR of the previous post is: “Bro, do you even DCS?”

        And that’s just to get ready to fly. Actually flying the Ka-50 gets you into whole other territories of things to look out for. And then when you try to fight from it…

        Don’t get me wrong. The Akula is a seriously badass chopper. But it is finicky as FUCK to fly, and very complex. As the joke goes: “If the wings are going faster than the fuselage, you are in a helicopter, and therefore unsafe.” And that’s just talking about a standard design, not a contra-rotating tandem stack design like this beast. My bet is Fred gets impatient, overpitches, and VRSes down to an impressive fireball.

        Oh, and for purposes of the fic, it’s range is almost certainly too short to make it from Russia to wherever the fuck in Africa this shit is going down, and there is CERTAINLY no room in the cockpit for any kind of Gatling you care to name.

        That being said, you could almost certainly kill the ever-loving shit out of a pride of lions with only the cannon on it, to say nothing of the rockets or ATGMs.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, it’s a chopper. I thought being unable to go from Russia to Africa was a given!

          Funny how Taco didn’t mention that, actually…

        • TacoMagic says:

          Honestly, the setting was so vague I forgot that he was probably in Russia.

          But, yeah, surprised I missed it, too.

      • X Equestris says:

        And then our villain got out and walked instead of using his technological advantage. What an idiot.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Fraug lost me after “starting it up is quite simple.”

    • TacoMagic says:

      (BTW, what chopper is that cockpit from, Taco?)

      I honestly have no idea. I picked it up off the Sloan helicopter school “about” page. There are surprisingly few in-focus, high-resolution pictures of helicopter cockpits out there.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        That was enough data for me to figure it out. It’s an AgustaWestland AW190E Power.

        Interesting note. AgustaWestland was the chopper company that did the utterly badass Apache AH Mk1 that the Brits fly as their attack heli.

    • :starts reading:

      :eyes glaze over:

      You keep using that word – “simple”. I do not think it means what you think it means.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        I’ll be perfectly honest, it looks a lot worse than it actually is. Just take it slow and make sure you have a checklist. Everything is labeled, and a surprising amount of the finicky stuff is automated. (And read Russian if you’re in a real Ka-50.) The only part that you really need to be on the ball for is watching the gauges for the APU and engine starts. And if the helo is well-maintained, you’re not likely to see anything out of the ordinary.

        But no, it’s not simple. It is surprisingly easy, though. Same goes for the A-10C, F-15C, Su-25T, MiG-29, Su-27/33, P-51D, and the UH-1. Once you know what you’re doing, it’s not so bad.

        Now flying and fighting them…that’s another story.

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