755: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter FivePosted: June 25, 2014
Welcome back to A Jedi’s Destiny, the fic that dares make Jedi421’s fic look like a masterpiece of character writing.
I’m kinda pressed for time this week, so we’re just gonna jump right in without the normal ado.
Beyond the Wall
Or, inside the fence as it were.
Stop it with the scene tags!
Buster sat down after he had found some water and food for him and Zira to use.
Well, if you’re gonna open a scene, you might as well do it with a mundane and generic sentence.
So, tell me, author, what do they do after using their Generic Co. brand Food and Water?
As he was to close his eyes, he heard a distant yelling beyond the wall of sand and rock.
Just like Zinc, this author sometimes words.
Interestingly, lion hearing is actually about the same as that of a human. So, if he can hear yelling coming from a distance behind a 300 foot-tall wall made of rock, it’s likely that a megaphone is involved.
He climbed the wall and saw a lion and some kind of bird following by his side.
So, author, he spends 2 hours climbing the wall, right? Or did you forget that’s how long it takes.
You forgot, didn’t you? Just like you forgot that BuStu spent a long time spying on Simba and should be able to connect the dots if he sees lion with a bird following along.
Then again, that may be overestimating Buster’s intelligence.
Buster squinted in the blinding light of the sun and started to growl when Zira below saw her new mate at the top of the wall.
Dude, don’t growl at her. She’s just looking at you up on the wall.
Buster looked down at her as she yelled at him. “No Zira! You come up here!” he yelled back.
Yeah! Don’t just stare at him, get your butt up there!
Zira sighed and started to climb.
I feel for her. She’s gotta be regretting surviving the fall at this point.
When she finally got to the top.
Wha? I think you’re missing more than a few words there, author. It’s like a lion jumped up and ate
She was blinded by the heavy glow of the forest below her.
There are many things that make a forest look inviting. A strong glow is not among them. Seriously, what part of the forest’s phosphorescence says, “you should totally live here!”?
“Wow. Is this what I think it is, Buster dear?”
If you’re thinking extreme radioactivity, then yes, yes it is.
Buster turned his face to hers.
Not his whole head, mind you, just his face.
For those who just tried to picture that, sleep tight tonight.
“It’s the Outlands Zira. This is our new home and from what I can see, that figure over there is Simba and his ass birdie buddy Zazu” he said with a low droning voice.
That may or may not be casual homophobia. Honestly, it’s such a weird insult that I can’t call it for sure. A hyphen in there would really help determine whether I should be angry about the uncalled for “ass-birdie” comment, or the alternative homophobia.
I’ll just be angry.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 11
And, you can low drone all you want, buddy, but you’ll never measure up to the likes of Ben Stein.
Zira looked at her mate and noticed that the same kind of droning vice came from Scar when Simba returned to take over his kingdom from scar.
You mean evil and British, right? Strange for an American soldier with Canadian ties.
Also, it’s a great sign when your fic constantly compares your protagonist with Scar… a dude who murdered his brother so that he could ascend to power.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 12
She always would not forget her Scar’s death.
Woof, that’s about as awkward a way to phrase that as possible.
She was on a ledge some 20 yards below from were Scar and Simba were fighting.
Incoming plot regurgitation! Everyone brace for impact!
“It’s the Hyena’s fault. It was their idea!” she heard from scar trying to desperately escape Simba. “Why should I believe you, every thing you ever told me was a lie!” Simba yelled back. Zira tried to listen closer, but the hyenas and lionesses below just started another advance on each other. She listened and then caught a glimpse of Scar falling off the side of pride rock and with out no warning, the hyena’s turned on their master and killed him. She cried for hours on end. Some two weeks past and she gave birth to her second cub and was confronted by Simba and then was banished to the Outlands. Little did Simba know that the Outlands would receive a new lease on life and an end to the Pride Lands.
For those who can’t be bothered to read all that (and I honestly can’t blame you if you don’t, it’s really poorly written), basically it sums up the last little bit from Lion King, the first bit of Lion King II, and the first four chapters of this fic. Pretty dense regurge, actually.
Zira Looked harder this time and slowly said Simba in her mind and then she too began to growl.
I guess it takes Zira quite some time to get her mind ticking over fast enough to form an emotional reaction.
“If he thinks he’s taking this land for himself, he’s got another thing coming!” She snarled as the bird flew up the side of the wall.
On the one hand: true, you’ve got him outnumbered 2 to 1.
On the other: one of you almost died recently and the other, and let’s be fair to him, is a colossally useless douche-bag. I’d say the odds are a little on Simba’s side.
“That’s far enough Zazu. Return to the pride ands and we’ll spare your life!” Zazu gasped as he heard Zira’s voice and returned to Simba.
Oh good, wandering point of view. I missed that from ID’s fics.
“I’m telling you sir! She’s alive and what I saw might as well be her new mate!’ Zazu yelled.
Zazu, he’s right there. Calm your tits and use your indoor voice.
“What the ! What are you doing hear Zira!?” Simba Yelled.
Hopefully rethinking which side she’s on. I could really go for her sudden and inevitable betrayal right now.
Buster started to laugh hysterically and then answered “Why you banished us here you stupid puts!
Uh… when? From what I’ve seen, Simba doesn’t even know you exist and thought Zira was dead. From all accounts it appears that the two of you banished yourselves.
Turn now or we’ll kill you! This is our kingdom and get out!”
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 13
Zira roared and then crouched lower on her hunches “Leave or die Simba! Listen to my mates orders or we’ll kill you were you stand!” She yelled.
Seriously, author, are we really supposed to be rooting for these two, or is this one of those “seeing it through the villain’s eyes” fics?
Buster slowly turned to face Zira. He smiled faintly at her and then he too lowered on to his hunches.
OK, so after 4 1/3 chapters of piecing together various scene and action, I’m almost confident that Buster has fully transformed into a lion, rather than anthropomorphic as the parenthetical statement in the first chapter suggested.
THIS is why you need to describe more than… nothing whatsoever AND resist the urge to put pointless, unrelated author’s notes in your fic! It makes this confusing mess of crap even harder to follow!
“They have us there sir. Wait one minute! Mate?” Zazu and Simba said together.
“Oh my God! My presumed dead arch-nemesis-like random evil Lioness is mated to a lion I’ve never met! That doesn’t effect me at all! Oh my God!”
Four more minutes went by and Buster nudged Zira’s shoulder and they both started to descend on Simba.
I wonder how boring those four minutes of staring at each other were. If nothing else, it was probably pretty awkward. I hate it when I can’t think of anything to say and the silence just drags on.
Simba did not see this until it was to late. “Die Simba!” Zira Snarled.
So… Zira and Buster waited until Simba’s back was turned and then launched a surprise attack on him despite saying they’d only attack him if he didn’t leave.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 14
Simba and Zira were fighting for seZiral minutes until Simba had Zira pinned down on the ground.
*Puts on his sleuth cap*
So, Zira’s name appears randomly inside a word that should be “several” replacing the name Vera. Apparently, the author originally had Vera, which is a fan created lioness who is pretty much a more generic version of Zira. Likely Vic tried to get permission to use Vera, didn’t get it, used her anyway, posted his story, and the original creator of Vera got pissed and called him on it. So, instead of using Vera, or changing it to one of his own creation, he stole a different lion, this time directly from the source. Because that’s somehow better.
I’ll entertain alternative theories, but I have a feeling I came damn close to reality on that one.
Also, that was the most abridged fight scene ever; in that the scene was skipped in favor of just telling us the outcome.
Simba was about to slit her throat when Buster garbed his arm and swung it back taking him off of Zira.
*Tosses his anthropomorphism notes in the air*
All right, I got nothing. I still have no idea if they are all lions or lion/human hybrids.
I have a feeling that Vic was hazy on it too.
Simba landed backside down and sprung up on to his feet to meet the stone cold look on Buster face.
Hello, stone-cold look, nice to see you getting a mention here. Might wanna pry yourself off Buster’s face, you don’t want jackass to rub off on you.
Buster lounged at Simba and had him in some kind of head locking position.
Take that, Simba! Nobody can project relaxation like Buster can!
Well, except maybe Kenny G.
He continued to pound and batter Simba’s head until Simba slipped away and returned the advance on Buster.
That’s like in a cartoon where a bunch of toons gang up on one guy and have one of those brawls hidden by the dust ball. But then the guy they were ganged up on walks across the screen. It’s a very visual gag, which is why it DOESN’T BELONG IN YOUR FIC!
Buster jumped into the air while at the same time, Simba slid under him.
Pretty sure I saw that trick at the circus. Is Zira setting up the flaming hoop?
Buster landed and turned and the he rose to on his hind legs standing straight up in the air.
*Gathers up his notes, tears them up, and feeds them into the incinerator*
Zira watched with horror as her mate’s right paw spawned two shinny talons on either side of his arm. She then saw Buster walk on his hind legs towards Simba with the talons pointing straight at him.
Now he’s got talons? And they’re growing out of the sides of his paws!?
*Gathers the ash out of the incinerator, mixes it with water, forms it into ash bricks, dries them until hard, and then smashes them with a hammer*
Buster looked over Simba as he slowly ran the talons over his throat.
Next he’s gonna point at his eyes and then at Simba. I’m sure there are other threatening clichés if you want to kick up this fake intimidation scene to the next level.
Buster lifted up his arm and as he was about to strike, Zira stopped Buster.
Huh, well, I didn’t actually mean that Zira’s betrayal was inevitable. But I’ll roll with it.
I did like how sudden it was. Nice touch, Zira.
“What are you doing Zira!?” Buster asked as Zira held his leg up from Simba.
“I’m stopping you nonsensically because the plot says so!”
“Don’t let it end this way, luv” Zira asked sadly.
First off, not a question. Second,
Quit it with the accents that come and go.
Buster looked into her already watery eyes and then shifted his gaze to Simba’s eyes that were filled fear.
Ahh yes, Buster really is pretty good at striking fear into the hearts of his informed enemies.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 15
Buster looked at Zira again then lightly licked her left check and picked up Simba.
Dude, save that kinky check licking for the bank.
And now he’s picking up Simba… honestly, now I have even less idea about whether they’re anthropomorphic or full lion than when I started this chapter.
*Sweeps up the brick fragments into a Blendtek pitcher, docks it, and hits “Liquefy.”*
Meanwhile in Moscow
What, you thought I was joking?
Deep with in the former KGB HQ building was a genetics laboratory that was not shut down after USSR was diminished.
The KGB was an intelligence organization. I know intelligence organizations are all shadowy and mysterious, but not a lot of them actually operate genetic research labs. Mostly they were into espionage and counter espionage.
At least Vic got the right city, though if he’d spent a few minutes researching, he’d know that the KGB’s headquarters was called the Lubyanka Building.
There the select men and women those were still deep into the communist way experimented on children to achieve a perfect human race only to serve in battle.
Because, you know, evil. In order for the villains to be worse than the protagonist, they’ve understandably had to step up their game.
Next they’re going to create a website called 4chan.
While the leaders of Russia would sit on their butts while total carnage is taking place.
Bwa? Where is this total carnage happening!? I thought it was just a magic storm in Africa? Or is this a different carnage. Or do they mean like the SNES game? They sit there on their butts while somebody plays?
SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS GOING ON!?
In a large leather chair was on old scruffy looking doctor with a twisted up beard.
It’s going to be a refreshing change of pace to have an Awesome McEvil who twirls his beard.
Protruding from that beard was a Cuban cigar.
Dude, tell your beard to go outside if it wants to smoke.
In front of him was an assortment of computer screens with Russian text running over them.
What they’re actually saying is unimportant. Just know that it’s evil, evil stuff. And it’s in Russian, so it’s even eviler than that.
In his left hand was a laser pen and he was touching it to parts of a screen while he continued to blow heavy smoke out of his mouth.
Dude, either get a stylus or use the laser pen like it’s meant to be used.
A door behind him opened.
Gah! Who installed that door in the formless void!
“Professor Tiberious, we have located a very strange signature in Africa”
Probably a doctor’s signature. Those things are crazy!
Yeah, that’s right, 1990’s handwriting stand-up comedy. I’m all over that.
A young man asked as he saluted his soupier officer.
“Ah, Sergent Campell, report!”
“Major Lipton, sir, the vend-o-matic has run out of pot noodles!”
“MY GOD MAN! Has Colonel Progresso been notified!?”
“I tried to warn him sir, but he was in a meeting with General Heinz.”
“Then we may already be too late.”
“Vat? A strange signature uh.
So, Awesome McTiberius speaks with a Russian accent… but non of his Russian soldiers do.
This, kids, is why you don’t attempt accents in writing unless you’re very, very careful, and very, very good. Vic is neither of those, sadly.
Vat is the origin of the signature private”
The signature private was a really bad idea for a sandwich that originated in a little American sandwich shop called “Peter’s Foot Longs.”
Professor Tiberious asked as he wheeled his chair around.
Dude, get out of the chair while you’re talking to somebody. That’s so rude to be wheeling around-
It’s a wheelchair isn’t it? Awkward…
“It’s a twenty year old match to the test subject sergeant B-Buster Tiberious” he said out barley over a whisper.
So, the Sergent, who was American, is also the son of Awesome McProfessor, an evil Russian doctor working for what I assume is the counter to the American Furry project.
Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 21
“Vat!? Get me the location on his exact location.
Eliza! Get in the Recurve and spool up the Lambda drive!
I don’t know why, it just seem like it’ll help!
“Or, I can just push this button.”
*Eliza pushes the super-fun-happy-slide button. Squeals of glee come from the hallway that quickly fade into the distance*
Why are you nice to everyone BUT me?
“I’ll let you ponder that. Anyway, I’ve got a tennis match with Crunchy. He said he’s coming as Billie Jean King.”
Uh… have fun?
Damn you! NOW!” he yelled. “Yes sir, right away sir!” The Private said and ran out of the office.
See, if I’d been the private, I’d have brought that information with me. I’d probably also have forwarded the live satellite feed of the area with the tracking overlay to the Professor’s computer.
But, then again, I am a professional minion.
I need to stop hanging out with Crunchy.
“I have you now Buster. And now we see if you can defeat project XT!” Professor Tiberious “X” began to laugh as he opened a file and portrayed a half-human, lion project that was just like Buster.
Hey look, we have our first reference to anthropomorphism. Probably.
*Shakes the powder in the blender*
Still not sure.
Fun fact: guns work more quickly and efficiently at killing rogue soldiers that have been turned into lions than developing a project to produce bipedal lion soldiers does. You guys might want to look into that.
He continued to open and activate features on the project and then snarled as he activated to project.
You only ever get computer troubles when you have a deadline, amirite!?
“10 years of waiting has finally paid off Buster! Now I send my only child and you cousin, Frederic to kill you”
Twirl that beard you middle-managing Russian Awesome McEvil with an inconsistent accent! Twirl it, I say!
Meanwhile, in the scene tag.
Somebody get Ghostie her flask.
Simba awoke in the presence of Zira looking at him from a high platform underneath a tree.
Um, if it’s under a tree, how high can it be? Hold on.
*Googles Trees of the Serengeti*
Hmm, thorny acacia trees have an umbrella-like foliage that can start as high as 70ft off the ground. OK, fair enough, geometrically speaking there could be a ledge.
He squinted to see if her new mate was around. She watched him then spoke. “Buster’s not home yet Simba. I bet he’s in a bad mood due to the happenings of this day”
“Wow, Zira, that fall must have been rough. It’s screwed up your sentence structure and everything.”
Simba looked at Zira. “Why did you stop your mate from killing me?” Simba asked as he sat up.
ANSWER THE MAN!
“I didn’t want any more blood shed.
Anyone else smell the pungent aroma of bullshit?
I should’ve listened to Vitani. It’s quite peaceful without war between us” Zira said then gave Simba a sort of motherly look.
Which would ring a lot more true if you hadn’t have threatened his life 3 paragraphs ago. Seriously, Vic, did you even read any of this? The characters are all over the map. And none of them come close to actual canon depiction.
Now that I think about it, Buster is the only consistent one… mostly because he’s a homicidal jackass with entitlement issues. Kinda strange how many authors pick that particular set of traits for their self-inserts.
“Zira!” Buster voice droned out side.
Speaking of strange traits, this “his voice is uninteresting” is up there with the weirdest I’ve had in my fics.
“I must go now, Simba” she said as she jumped down from her platform.
Zira, I liked you better when you insisted on calling the shots. Sure, you were way more evil, but you were independently evil.
When she got out side, Buster had some food.
Ah, more Generic Co. brand food.
“I see you have found a proper use for those things, wait what are they? Please dear what are they?” She asked.
“They are tiny bits of the void, made even more formless. We use them to stir up fake tension!”
“Things don’t look they way they seem, Zira.
Pretentious mode activate!
These were a part of a project in a Pride known as the USSR” Buster replied. “U-S-S-R? What did they do to you?” Zira commanded.
If anyone has figure out what they’re talking about, you’re better than I am. Maybe they mean his weird zygodactyl talons that are sticking out the sides of his paws?
But if that’s the case, he’s already caught food several times, so her comment still wouldn’t make any sense.
GIVE ME SOMETHING!
“Well, were do I start? Oh yes now I remember. I was a cub when this Pride located me and took me away from my mother and father.
Part of a super secret project, stolen at birth orphan, favored by the gods, and makes friends despite being an ass. One more for Stu Bingo!
I do believe I’m the king of my pride, because my parents were king and queen of eastern mountains of Madagascar.
Hah! In your face, Crunchy!
Oh, right, he’s Billie Jean King in a tennis match right now.
They tormented me and put me through the most horrific things!
Horrific things really lose their bite when they’re not described at all.
They put these things into my body (sob)!”
Is there anyone in this fic who doesn’t cry all the time!? Actually, now that I think about it, Zazu is the only character that’s never broken down. Where is Zazu anyway.
*Peers into the SDQF*
Zazu? You in there?
It’s suddenly feeling very lonely in the snark booth. Just me, the Flanderized Simba, Puppet Zira, and the SI-Stu. Better get to the end of this quickly before I start losing it.
“It’s ok Buster, your with me now and nothing is going to separate us” She calmed buster and then took him inside.
Marvel as wooden, tedious passion oozes across the page!
Simba looked up to see Buster then he bowed to him. “What did you do that for, Simba” Zira asked.
The PCC just wired him a HUGE cash advance for his loyalty.
“Over heard your conversation. Buster, may I and my pride join yours to get it started and to save my people from starvation?”
Bye bye tension. It didn’t take very long at all for you to be defeated by the wish fulfillment.
Too bad that starvation is pretty much guaranteed if you combine prides. You know, with the food being limited to only support 12 lions.
Buster looked at the ground. He moved his gaze to Zira who was sitting eagerly just as Simba was.
Is this supposed to be tense, or am I supposed to question the fortitude of their bladders?
“If you join my Pride, you won’t have royal power in my kingdom.
There is only one true Stu, and he does not share power!
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 16
You will have to follow the law under my protocol as a member of my pride. Plus anyone whom is related to Zira is of royal blood and that to an extent is even you as well. Do you except these terms Simba?”
Well I certainly take exception to them.
Simba, little hint, his pride consists of 2 lions, yours consists of around 30. I don’t really think he’s in any situation to be dictating such one-sided terms.
Simba looked Zira who was making flashes of compassion to Buster.
Zira, is this really the time to be breaking out the flash cards?
“Yes, I except the terms”
Of course you do, SimbaFlanders. I hope that $21 million dollar check feels worth it when you’re-
Wait a minute.
*Checks his notes*
Holy crap, you can get $21 million for letting yourself be Flanderized by the PCC!? Where the hell do I sign up for that!?
Zira straightened up and then spoke. “Good, now go and bring the rest of your pride here so we can prosper” Zira said with royalty in her voice.
Whenever I get a bad case of King Louis XVI in my voice, I find I can usually depose him with a saltwater gargle.
Simba left after an hour of eating the zebra Buster had killed.
So, not only did the magical sandstorm managed to uncover a verdant paradise, but one that came fully equipped with prey.
I’m pretty sure Vic doesn’t know how nature works.
Buster was not eating when Zira noticed he was watching her as she ate the meat Buster had caught. “Is there something wrong, Buster?”
He just realized that he was a human for most of his life and this whole, “tearing raw flesh off a carcass” thing is kind of an acquired taste.
Buster looked away and answered. “No there is nothing wrong, I just noticed that we have not yet made love to each other”
Buster really knows how to romance the ladies.
Zira’s ears involuntarily perked up when Buster finished speaking. “Well, why didn’t you say anything?” Zira asked.
Well, he just did. Plus, you guys have been kinda busy, what with all the napping you’ve both been doing.
Buster rose to all fours and moved beside Zira. He laid down beside her and then nudged her from eating. Zira moved away from the food and turned around. Then she lay down again and Buster got up and turned in the general direction of her.
Swing your partner do si do,
Nudge her in the ribs,
And around she’ll go!
Anyway, they have sex. At least, I think they do; the scene is kinda vague and misspelled. Don’t ‘believe me?
They both breathed heavily for seZiral minutes and then it was over.
Oh, the passion. Also, when you do a “find and replace” to cover a gaff, you really need to watch that shit, author.
Buster had fell asleep aside Zira who was snug up against her mate.
Pfft. And he falls asleep. Typical man, amirite, ladies?
They Slept in peace that night while the noise’s of the outlands were howling their protest to the new animals outside.
And that completes chapter five of Vic’s masturbatory fantasy. His insertion- nope, not gotta use that word.
His little Stu finally-
Buster finally got some lioness tail, probably, Simba bowed to his superior Stu-ness, and now he has a tiny kingdom to rule. You could pretty much wrap it up here. But we’ve got 11 more chapters of this dreck.
And boy howdy does it get worse from here. Until next week, patrons!