755: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Five

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back to A Jedi’s Destiny, the fic that dares make Jedi421’s fic look like a masterpiece of character writing.

I’m kinda pressed for time this week, so we’re just gonna jump right in without the normal ado.

Chapter 5

Beyond the Wall

Or, inside the fence as it were.



Stop it with the scene tags!

Buster sat down after he had found some water and food for him and Zira to use.

Well, if you’re gonna open a scene, you might as well do it with a mundane and generic sentence.

So, tell me, author, what do they do after using their Generic Co. brand Food and Water?

As he was to close his eyes, he heard a distant yelling beyond the wall of sand and rock.

Just like Zinc, this author sometimes words.

Interestingly, lion hearing is actually about the same as that of a human.  So, if he can hear yelling coming from a distance behind a 300 foot-tall wall made of rock, it’s likely that a megaphone is involved.

He climbed the wall and saw a lion and some kind of bird following by his side.

So, author, he spends 2 hours climbing the wall, right?  Or did you forget that’s how long it takes.

You forgot, didn’t you?  Just like you forgot that BuStu spent a long time spying on Simba and should be able to connect the dots if he sees lion with a bird following along.

Then again, that may be overestimating Buster’s intelligence.

Buster squinted in the blinding light of the sun and started to growl when Zira below saw her new mate at the top of the wall.

Dude, don’t growl at her.  She’s just looking at you up on the wall.

Buster looked down at her as she yelled at him. “No Zira! You come up here!” he yelled back.

Yeah!  Don’t just stare at him, get your butt up there!

 Zira sighed and started to climb.

I feel for her.  She’s gotta be regretting surviving the fall at this point.

When she finally got to the top.

*Record Screech*

Wha?  I think you’re missing more than a few words there, author.  It’s like a lion jumped up and ate

She was blinded by the heavy glow of the forest below her.

There are many things that make a forest look inviting.  A strong glow is not among them.  Seriously, what part of the forest’s phosphorescence says, “you should totally live here!”?

“Wow. Is this what I think it is, Buster dear?”

If you’re thinking extreme radioactivity, then yes, yes it is.

Buster turned his face to hers.

Not his whole head, mind you, just his face.

For those who just tried to picture that, sleep tight tonight.

“It’s the Outlands Zira. This is our new home and from what I can see, that figure over there is Simba and his ass birdie buddy Zazu” he said with a low droning voice.

That may or may not be casual homophobia.  Honestly, it’s such a weird insult that I can’t call it for sure.  A hyphen in there would really help determine whether I should be angry about the uncalled for “ass-birdie” comment, or the alternative homophobia.

I’ll just be angry.


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 11

And, you can low drone all you want, buddy, but you’ll never measure up to the likes of Ben Stein.

Zira looked at her mate and noticed that the same kind of droning vice came from Scar when Simba returned to take over his kingdom from scar.

You mean evil and British, right?  Strange for an American soldier with Canadian ties.

Also, it’s a great sign when your fic constantly compares your protagonist with Scar… a dude who murdered his brother so that he could ascend to power.


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 12

She always would not forget her Scar’s death.

Woof, that’s about as awkward a way to phrase that as possible.

She was on a ledge some 20 yards below from were Scar and Simba were fighting.

Incoming plot regurgitation!  Everyone brace for impact!

“It’s the Hyena’s fault. It was their idea!” she heard from scar trying to desperately escape Simba. “Why should I believe you, every thing you ever told me was a lie!” Simba yelled back. Zira tried to listen closer, but the hyenas and lionesses below just started another advance on each other. She listened and then caught a glimpse of Scar falling off the side of pride rock and with out no warning, the hyena’s turned on their master and killed him. She cried for hours on end. Some two weeks past and she gave birth to her second cub and was confronted by Simba and then was banished to the Outlands. Little did Simba know that the Outlands would receive a new lease on life and an end to the Pride Lands.

For those who can’t be bothered to read all that (and I honestly can’t blame you if you don’t, it’s really poorly written), basically it sums up the last little bit from Lion King, the first bit of Lion King II, and the first four chapters of this fic.  Pretty dense regurge, actually.

Zira Looked harder this time and slowly said Simba in her mind and then she too began to growl.

I guess it takes Zira quite some time to get her mind ticking over fast enough to form an emotional reaction.

“If he thinks he’s taking this land for himself, he’s got another thing coming!” She snarled as the bird flew up the side of the wall.

On the one hand: true, you’ve got him outnumbered 2 to 1.

On the other: one of you almost died recently and the other, and let’s be fair to him, is a colossally useless douche-bag.  I’d say the odds are a little on Simba’s side.

“That’s far enough Zazu. Return to the pride ands and we’ll spare your life!” Zazu gasped as he heard Zira’s voice and returned to Simba.

Oh good, wandering point of view.  I missed that from ID’s fics.

“I’m telling you sir! She’s alive and what I saw might as well be her new mate!’ Zazu yelled.

Zazu, he’s right there.  Calm your tits and use your indoor voice.

“What the ! What are you doing hear Zira!?” Simba Yelled.

Hopefully rethinking which side she’s on. I could really go for her sudden and inevitable betrayal right now.

Buster started to laugh hysterically and then answered “Why you banished us here you stupid puts!

Uh… when?  From what I’ve seen, Simba doesn’t even know you exist and thought Zira was dead.  From all accounts it appears that the two of you banished yourselves.

Turn now or we’ll kill you! This is our kingdom and get out!”


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 13

Zira roared and then crouched lower on her hunches “Leave or die Simba! Listen to my mates orders or we’ll kill you were you stand!” She yelled.

Seriously, author, are we really supposed to be rooting for these two, or is this one of those “seeing it through the villain’s eyes” fics?

Buster slowly turned to face Zira. He smiled faintly at her and then he too lowered on to his hunches.

OK, so after 4 1/3 chapters of piecing together various scene and action, I’m almost confident that Buster has fully transformed into a lion, rather than anthropomorphic as the parenthetical statement in the first chapter suggested.


THIS is why you need to describe more than… nothing whatsoever AND resist the urge to put pointless, unrelated author’s notes in your fic!  It makes this confusing mess of crap even harder to follow!

“They have us there sir. Wait one minute! Mate?” Zazu and Simba said together.

“Oh my God!  My presumed dead arch-nemesis-like random evil Lioness is mated to a lion I’ve never met!  That doesn’t effect me at all!  Oh my God!”

Four more minutes went by and Buster nudged Zira’s shoulder and they both started to descend on Simba.

I wonder how boring those four minutes of staring at each other were.  If nothing else, it was probably pretty awkward.  I hate it when I can’t think of anything to say and the silence just drags on.

Simba did not see this until it was to late. “Die Simba!” Zira Snarled.

So… Zira and Buster waited until Simba’s back was turned and then launched a surprise attack on him despite saying they’d only attack him if he didn’t leave.


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 14

Simba and Zira were fighting for seZiral minutes until Simba had Zira pinned down on the ground.

*Puts on his sleuth cap*

So, Zira’s name appears randomly inside a word that should be “several” replacing the name Vera.  Apparently, the author originally had Vera, which is a fan created lioness who is pretty much a more generic version of Zira.  Likely Vic tried to get permission to use Vera, didn’t get it, used her anyway, posted his story, and the original creator of Vera got pissed and called him on it.  So, instead of using Vera, or changing it to one of his own creation, he stole a different lion, this time directly from the source.  Because that’s somehow better.

I’ll entertain alternative theories, but I have a feeling I came damn close to reality on that one.

Also, that was the most abridged fight scene ever; in that the scene was skipped in favor of just telling us the outcome.

Simba was about to slit her throat when Buster garbed his arm and swung it back taking him off of Zira.

*Tosses his anthropomorphism notes in the air*

All right, I got nothing.  I still have no idea if they are all lions or lion/human hybrids.

I have a feeling that Vic was hazy on it too.

Simba landed backside down and sprung up on to his feet to meet the stone cold look on Buster face.

Hello, stone-cold look, nice to see you getting a mention here.  Might wanna pry yourself off Buster’s face, you don’t want jackass to rub off on you.

Buster lounged at Simba and had him in some kind of head locking position.

Take that, Simba!  Nobody can project relaxation like Buster can!

Well, except maybe Kenny G.

He continued to pound and batter Simba’s head until Simba slipped away and returned the advance on Buster.

That’s like in a cartoon where a bunch of toons gang up on one guy and have one of those brawls hidden by the dust ball.  But then the guy they were ganged up on walks across the screen.  It’s a very visual gag, which is why it DOESN’T BELONG IN YOUR FIC!


Buster jumped into the air while at the same time, Simba slid under him.


Pretty sure I saw that trick at the circus.  Is Zira setting up the flaming hoop?

 Buster landed and turned and the he rose to on his hind legs standing straight up in the air.

*Gathers up his notes, tears them up, and feeds them into the incinerator*

Zira watched with horror as her mate’s right paw spawned two shinny talons on either side of his arm.  She then saw Buster walk on his hind legs towards Simba with the talons pointing straight at him.

Now he’s got talons?  And they’re growing out of the sides of his paws!?

*Gathers the ash out of the incinerator, mixes it with water, forms it into ash bricks, dries them until hard, and then smashes them with a hammer*

Buster looked over Simba as he slowly ran the talons over his throat.

Next he’s gonna point at his eyes and then at Simba.  I’m sure there are other threatening clichés if you want to kick up this fake intimidation scene to the next level.

Buster lifted up his arm and as he was about to strike, Zira stopped Buster.

Huh, well, I didn’t actually mean that Zira’s betrayal was inevitable.  But I’ll roll with it.

I did like how sudden it was.  Nice touch, Zira.

“What are you doing Zira!?” Buster asked as Zira held his leg up from Simba.

“I’m stopping you nonsensically because the plot says so!”

 “Don’t let it end this way, luv” Zira asked sadly.

First off, not a question.  Second,


Quit it with the accents that come and go.

 Buster looked into her already watery eyes and then shifted his gaze to Simba’s eyes that were filled fear.

Ahh yes, Buster really is pretty good at striking fear into the hearts of his informed enemies.


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 15

Buster looked at Zira again then lightly licked her left check and picked up Simba.

Dude, save that kinky check licking for the bank.

And now he’s picking up Simba… honestly, now I have even less idea about whether they’re anthropomorphic or full lion than when I started this chapter.

*Sweeps up the brick fragments into a Blendtek pitcher, docks it, and hits “Liquefy.”*

Meanwhile in Moscow


What, you thought I was joking?

Deep with in the former KGB HQ building was a genetics laboratory that was not shut down after USSR was diminished.


The KGB was an intelligence organization.  I know intelligence organizations are all shadowy and mysterious, but not a lot of them actually operate genetic research labs.  Mostly they were into espionage and counter espionage.

At least Vic got the right city, though if he’d spent a few minutes researching, he’d know that the KGB’s headquarters was called the Lubyanka Building.

There the select men and women those were still deep into the communist way experimented on children to achieve a perfect human race only to serve in battle.

Because, you know, evil.  In order for the villains to be worse than the protagonist, they’ve understandably had to step up their game.

Next they’re going to create a website called 4chan.

While the leaders of Russia would sit on their butts while total carnage is taking place.

Bwa?  Where is this total carnage happening!?  I thought it was just a magic storm in Africa?  Or is this a different carnage.  Or do they mean like the SNES game?  They sit there on their butts while somebody plays?

*Shakes fic*


In a large leather chair was on old scruffy looking doctor with a twisted up beard.

It’s going to be a refreshing change of pace to have an Awesome McEvil who twirls his beard.

Protruding from that beard was a Cuban cigar.

Dude, tell your beard to go outside if it wants to smoke.

In front of him was an assortment of computer screens with Russian text running over them.

What they’re actually saying is unimportant.  Just know that it’s evil, evil stuff.  And it’s in Russian, so it’s even eviler than that.

In his left hand was a laser pen and he was touching it to parts of a screen while he continued to blow heavy smoke out of his mouth.

Dude, either get a stylus or use the laser pen like it’s meant to be used.

A door behind him opened.

Gah!  Who installed that door in the formless void!

 “Professor Tiberious, we have located a very strange signature in Africa”

Probably a doctor’s signature.  Those things are crazy!

Yeah, that’s right, 1990’s handwriting stand-up comedy.  I’m all over that.

A young man asked as he saluted his soupier officer.

“Ah, Sergent Campell, report!”

“Major Lipton, sir, the vend-o-matic has run out of pot noodles!”

“MY GOD MAN!  Has Colonel  Progresso been notified!?”

“I tried to warn him sir, but he was in a meeting with General Heinz.”

“Then we may already be too late.”

“Vat? A strange signature uh.

So, Awesome McTiberius speaks with a Russian accent… but non of his Russian soldiers do.

This, kids, is why you don’t attempt accents in writing unless you’re very, very careful, and very, very good.  Vic is neither of those, sadly.

Vat is the origin of the signature private”

The signature private was a really bad idea for a sandwich that originated in a little American sandwich shop called “Peter’s Foot Longs.”

Professor Tiberious asked as he wheeled his chair around.

Dude, get out of the chair while you’re talking to somebody.  That’s so rude to be wheeling around-

It’s a wheelchair isn’t it?  Awkward…

“It’s a twenty year old match to the test subject sergeant B-Buster Tiberious” he said out barley over a whisper.

So, the Sergent, who was American, is also the son of Awesome McProfessor, an evil Russian doctor working for what I assume is the counter to the American Furry project.


Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 21

“Vat!? Get me the location on his exact location.


Eliza!  Get in the Recurve and spool up the Lambda drive!

“Uh, why?”

I don’t know why, it just seem like it’ll help!

“Or, I can just push this button.”

*Eliza pushes the super-fun-happy-slide button.  Squeals of glee come from the hallway that quickly fade into the distance*

Why are you nice to everyone BUT me?

“I’ll let you ponder that.  Anyway, I’ve got a tennis match with Crunchy.  He said he’s coming as Billie Jean King.”

Uh… have fun?

 Damn you! NOW!” he yelled. “Yes sir, right away sir!” The Private said and ran out of the office.

See, if I’d been the private, I’d have brought that information with me.  I’d probably also have forwarded the live satellite feed of the area with the tracking overlay to the Professor’s computer.

But, then again, I am a professional minion.

I need to stop hanging out with Crunchy.

“I have you now Buster. And now we see if you can defeat project XT!” Professor Tiberious “X” began to laugh as he opened a file and portrayed a half-human, lion project that was just like Buster.

Hey look, we have our first reference to anthropomorphism.  Probably.

*Shakes the powder in the blender*

Still not sure.

Fun fact: guns work more quickly and efficiently at killing rogue soldiers that have been turned into lions than developing a project to produce bipedal lion soldiers does.  You guys might want to look into that.

He continued to open and activate features on the project and then snarled as he activated to project.

You only ever get computer troubles when you have a deadline, amirite!?

“10 years of waiting has finally paid off Buster! Now I send my only child and you cousin, Frederic to kill you”

Twirl that beard you middle-managing Russian Awesome McEvil with an inconsistent accent! Twirl it, I say!

Meanwhile, in the scene tag.


Somebody get Ghostie her flask.

Simba awoke in the presence of Zira looking at him from a high platform underneath a tree.

Um, if it’s under a tree, how high can it be?  Hold on.

*Googles Trees of the Serengeti*

Hmm, thorny acacia trees have an umbrella-like foliage that can start as high as 70ft off the ground. OK, fair enough, geometrically speaking there could be a ledge.

He squinted to see if her new mate was around. She watched him then spoke. “Buster’s not home yet Simba. I bet he’s in a bad mood due to the happenings of this day”

“Wow, Zira, that fall must have been rough.  It’s screwed up your sentence structure and everything.”

Simba looked at Zira. “Why did you stop your mate from killing me?” Simba asked as he sat up.


Err, lion.

 “I didn’t want any more blood shed.

Anyone else smell the pungent aroma of bullshit?

 I should’ve listened to Vitani. It’s quite peaceful without war between us” Zira said then gave Simba a sort of motherly look.

Which would ring a lot more true if you hadn’t have threatened his life  3 paragraphs ago. Seriously, Vic, did you even read any of this?  The characters are all over the map.  And none of them come close to actual canon depiction.

Now that I think about it, Buster is the only consistent one… mostly because he’s a homicidal jackass with entitlement issues.  Kinda strange how many authors pick that particular set of traits for their self-inserts.

“Zira!” Buster voice droned out side.

Speaking of strange traits, this “his voice is uninteresting” is up there with the weirdest I’ve had in my fics.

“I must go now, Simba” she said as she jumped down from her platform.

Zira, I liked you better when you insisted on calling the shots.  Sure, you were way more evil, but you were independently evil.

When she got out side, Buster had some food.

Ah, more Generic Co. brand food.

 “I see you have found a proper use for those things, wait what are they? Please dear what are they?” She asked.

“They are tiny bits of the void, made even more formless.  We use them to stir up fake tension!”

 “Things don’t look they way they seem, Zira.

Pretentious mode activate!

These were a part of a project in a Pride known as the USSR” Buster replied. “U-S-S-R? What did they do to you?” Zira commanded.

If anyone has figure out what they’re talking about, you’re better than I am.  Maybe they mean his weird zygodactyl talons that are sticking out the sides of his paws?

But if that’s the case, he’s already caught food several times, so her comment still wouldn’t make any sense.

*Shakes fic*


 “Well, were do I start? Oh yes now I remember. I was a cub when this Pride located me and took me away from my mother and father.

Part of a super secret project, stolen at birth orphan, favored by the gods, and makes friends despite being an ass.  One more for Stu Bingo!

I do believe I’m the king of my pride, because my parents were king and queen of eastern mountains of Madagascar.


Hah!  In your face, Crunchy!


Oh, right, he’s Billie Jean King in a tennis match right now.

They tormented me and put me through the most horrific things!

Horrific things really lose their bite when they’re not described at all.

 They put these things into my body (sob)!”

Is there anyone in this fic who doesn’t cry all the time!?  Actually, now that I think about it, Zazu is the only character that’s never broken down.  Where is Zazu anyway.

*Peers into the SDQF*

Zazu?  You in there?

It’s suddenly feeling very lonely in the snark booth.  Just me, the Flanderized Simba, Puppet Zira, and the SI-Stu.  Better get to the end of this quickly before I start losing it.

“It’s ok Buster, your with me now and nothing is going to separate us” She calmed buster and then took him inside.

Marvel as wooden, tedious passion oozes across the page!

Simba looked up to see Buster then he bowed to him. “What did you do that for, Simba” Zira asked.

The PCC just wired him a HUGE cash advance for his loyalty.

“Over heard your conversation. Buster, may I and my pride join yours to get it started and to save my people from starvation?”

Bye bye tension.  It didn’t take very long at all for you to be defeated by the wish fulfillment.

Too bad that starvation is pretty much guaranteed if you combine prides.  You know, with the food being limited to only support 12 lions.

Buster looked at the ground. He moved his gaze to Zira who was sitting eagerly just as Simba was.

Is this supposed to be tense, or am I supposed to question the fortitude of their bladders?

“If you join my Pride, you won’t have royal power in my kingdom.

There is only one true Stu, and he does not share power!


Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 16

You will have to follow the law under my protocol as a member of my pride. Plus anyone whom is related to Zira is of royal blood and that to an extent is even you as well. Do you except these terms Simba?”

Well I certainly take exception to them.

Simba, little hint, his pride consists of 2 lions, yours consists of around 30.  I don’t really think he’s in any situation to be dictating such one-sided terms.

 Simba looked Zira who was making flashes of compassion to Buster.

Zira, is this really the time to be breaking out the flash cards?

“Yes, I except the terms”

Of course you do, SimbaFlanders.  I hope that $21 million dollar check feels worth it when you’re-

Wait a minute.

*Checks his notes*

Holy crap,  you can get $21 million for letting yourself be Flanderized by the PCC!?  Where the hell do I sign up for that!?

Zira straightened up and then spoke.  “Good, now go and bring the rest of your pride here so we can prosper” Zira said with royalty in her voice.

Whenever I get a bad case of King Louis XVI in my voice, I find I can usually depose him with a saltwater gargle.

Simba left after an hour of eating the zebra Buster had killed.

So, not only did the magical sandstorm managed to uncover a verdant paradise, but one that came fully equipped with prey.

I’m pretty sure Vic doesn’t know how nature works.

Buster was not eating when Zira noticed he was watching her as she ate the meat Buster had caught. “Is there something wrong, Buster?”

He just realized that he was a human for most of his life and this whole, “tearing raw flesh off a carcass” thing is kind of an acquired taste.

 Buster looked away and answered. “No there is nothing wrong, I just noticed that we have not yet made love to each other”


Buster really knows how to romance the ladies.

Zira’s ears involuntarily perked up when Buster finished speaking. “Well, why didn’t you say anything?” Zira asked.

Well, he just did. Plus, you guys have been kinda busy, what with all the napping you’ve both been doing.

Buster rose to all fours and moved beside Zira. He laid down beside her and then nudged her from eating. Zira moved away from the food and turned around. Then she lay down again and Buster got up and turned in the general direction of her.

Swing your partner do si do,
Nudge her in the ribs,
And around she’ll go!
Now promenade!

Anyway, they have sex.  At least, I think they do; the scene is kinda vague and misspelled.  Don’t ‘believe me?

They both breathed heavily for seZiral minutes and then it was over.

Oh, the passion.  Also, when you do a “find and replace” to cover a gaff, you really need to watch that shit, author.

Buster had fell asleep aside Zira who was snug up against her mate.

Pfft.  And he falls asleep. Typical man, amirite, ladies?

They Slept in peace that night while the noise’s of the outlands were howling their protest to the new animals outside.

And that completes chapter five of Vic’s masturbatory fantasy.  His insertion- nope, not gotta use that word.

His little Stu finally-


Buster finally got some lioness tail, probably, Simba bowed to his superior Stu-ness, and now he has a tiny kingdom to rule.  You could pretty much wrap it up here.  But we’ve got 11 more chapters of this dreck.

And boy howdy does it get worse from here.  Until next week, patrons!


113 Comments on “755: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Five”

  1. SC says:

    Beyond the Wall

    Were Titans, and they started messing shit up.

  2. leobracer says:

    Where’s the Star Wars bit in this shitfest?

    I so far haven’t seen anything related to Star Wars since we began.

  3. SC says:

    She always would not forget her Scar’s death.

    Woof, that’s about as awkward a way to phrase that as possible.

    That’s like how MrAwesomeMatty writes things, my God.

  4. Vaguely Russian accent, possibly in a wheelchair, prone to irrational outbursts … Y’know, if it wasn’t for the awesome twirling-beard, I’d think the professor was Dr. Strangelove.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So, tell me, author, what do they do after using their Generic Co. brand Food and Water?

    More importantly, how are they going to use it?

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I feel for her. She’s gotta be regretting surviving the fall at this point.

    I don’t know if it’s regret, so much as it is annoyance that she survived.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Incoming plot regurgitation! Everyone brace for impact!

    Oh, no, fuck!

    *dives under a table*

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Turn now or we’ll kill you! This is our kingdom and get out!”

    Wow, could Buster be any more of a pompous ass? Seriously, why is this guy our hero?

    • SC says:

      Because reasons.

      I like that last sentence, though. “This is our kingdom, and I humbly welcome you to GO FUCK YOURSELF!”

    • leobracer says:

      Pretty much the same reason why John G. Stupard was a ‘Hero’ in his story.

      Thank god he’s dead though.

      I think I’ll put that newspaper in a picture frame and hang it on a wall.

      • SC says:

        In a vault made of gold, so the thieves will be to distracted to try and steal it.

      • leobracer says:

        Nah. Those things are so valuable that no-one would ever dare try to steal them.

        Hmm, you know, I wonder what’s going to happen to the species of the Galactic Order now that Stupard is dead.

        And I wonder what kind of reward they’ll give Godzilla for helping to kill.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, but PR at least tried to paint Stupard’s actions as noble, even if they weren’t! He isn’t even doing that here!

        I mean, I would buy the Villain Protagonist issue in this case if it were intentional. But judging by the writing, it’s not!

      • SC says:

        Nah. Those things are so valuable that no-one would ever dare try to steal them.

        Contacts: You clearly don’t know me!

        You clearly don’t know about his combat mech suit.

        Contacts: You clearly don’t know how badly I just shit my pants from that!

        I clearly don’t WANT to know.

  9. Somebody get Ghostie her flask.

    :ninja delivers large flask:

    Arigatou, Shinobi-san!

    :takes sip:

    “No there is nothing wrong, I just noticed that we have not yet made love to each other”



    • Herr Wozzeck says:


      Goddammit, I got sangria all over my laptop again.


      Jesus, and literally as I was finishing up writing my most recent comment, too!

      • SC says:

        … Oh, sorry, I don’t have a drink in front of me. Give me a sec…

        ~ONE SEC LATER~

        Okay, I’ve got some water.


        *EPIC SPIT-TAKE!*

        And now to get a towel so I can wipe off my phone.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “They have us there sir. Wait one minute! Mate?” Zazu and Simba said together.


    Wait, they said that at exactly the same time? What are they, the Vienna Boy’s Choir?

    • SC says:

      That’s assuming a bit much of them, don’t you think?

      I’d say they’re more like creepy hallway twins.

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So, Zira’s name appears randomly inside a word that should be “several” replacing the name Vera. Apparently, the author originally had Vera, which is a fan created lioness who is pretty much a more generic version of Zira. Likely Vic tried to get permission to use Vera, didn’t get it, used her anyway, posted his story, and the original creator of Vera got pissed and called him on it. So, instead of using Vera, or changing it to one of his own creation, he stole a different lion, this time directly from the source. Because that’s somehow better.

    I’ll entertain alternative theories, but I have a feeling I came damn close to reality on that one.

    Hm… my only question is “how’s the timeline work”? Because if you can find Vera from a posting earlier than the date that the owner created the profile (2010, according to the site), then you might just be on to something.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I have a feeling that Vic was hazy on it too.

    I get the feeling it was less that and more that he was making some kind of “forelegs = arms” conflation. Reading all the descriptions present, I get the feeling that’s what it might be.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Protruding from that beard was a Cuban cigar.

    And now I have this image of a Cuban cigar being grown by his beard. Not sure how that happened, but hey!

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Professor Tiberious


    Tiberious!? That is this guy’s name!?


    Victor, have you ever, ever actually even heard about a person from Russia? Have you ever heard their last name? Because their last names are certainly not misspelled Roman names!


    What. The. Fuck!?

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He said he’s coming as Billie Jean King.

    Okay, I’m calling it now: Eliza is going to produce a cover of this in the near future:

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Over heard your conversation. Buster, may I and my pride join yours to get it started and to save my people from starvation?”

    Wait, WHAT!?!?!?


    Good Jesus with a side of fish sticks, what is this? I’ve met… I can’t…


    I can’t even qualify this with a comparison, it’s so stupid!

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    They both breathed heavily for seZiral minutes and then it was over.

    Ah, the passion indeed.

    At least he didn’t give a chance to prove that he doesn’t know how lion sex works…

  18. SC says:

    Dude, either get a stylus or use the laser pen like it’s meant to be used.

    Glasses: What the f-! That video is private from my family reunion!

    You still have family? You’re probably the only one in the Co. that does.

    Glasses: Well, at least, I THINK they’re my family…

    Oh dear.

  19. X Equestris says:

    Well, at least it didn’t use the Holocaust as a cheap plot device this chapter, too. It’s bad when that’s the best thing you can find in this train wreck of a story.

    • SC says:

      I’m terrified of the soon-to-come Star Wars related chapters.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I guess that is true.

      One thing Fraug mentioned to me last week was that, for all the trivialization of the Holocaust, Vic at least isn’t a Holocaust denier. You know you’re digging yourself deep when that’s about the only positive thing you can say about someone. It’s not a bad something to say about someone, mind you, but still…

      • SC says:

        It would be less bittersweet if it ultimately wasn’t used for the sake of a tragic character backstory. Yeah, he’s not a denier, but damn, I wish he showed the matter a bit more respect than he did.

      • SC says:

        It’s like me and domestic abuse. Sure, LightBlueLightning didn’t deny it, but the way she tried to utilize it? Hooo boy, you will NEVER see me more pissed off.

  20. infinity421 says:

    SeZiral minutes.

    Autocorrect strikes again?

    • It’s more likely a “Replace All” fail.

      • SC says:

        I’d like to believe that more than that the author was literally replacing the name “Vera” in the word with Zira for whatever stupid reason.

      • TacoMagic says:

        My bet is still on the author originally using Vera as the love interest and doing a “Find and replace all” with Zira without checking the “match whole word only” box.

      • SC says:

        Or maybe he’s doing some stupid-ass Tara Gillespie thing where he’s replacing parts of the word for the sake of a terrible in-joke?

        • TacoMagic says:

          I think that’s giving the author way more credit than he deserves.

          I checked the fic, and nowhere does he use the letters “vera” in any word. They’ve all been replaced with Zira.

          Even if he was trying to do a joke, odds are he would have missed one. This reeks of a FARA fail.

      • SC says:

        It reeks of absolute bullshit. How petty do you have to be that not being allowed to use a character provokes you to remove their name from any other word in existence?

        • TacoMagic says:

          Hard to know what the reasoning was in the first place. Herr noticed that the person who came up with Vera didn’t create their associated account until 2010, 8 years after this was published. The earliest mention I can find of a Lion King lioness named Vera anywhere is in 2008.

          It seems unlikely that my original assumption was completely accurate as the dates don’t line up.

          More likely, he forgot Zira’s real name, used Vera throughout the entire fic, re-watched the movie, realized his mistake and pulled a FARA fix without paying attention to what he was doing.

      • I dunno; some of the authors we’ve run across give new meaning to the word “petty”.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Oh trust me, more than most people know. *grumblegrumblegrumble*

        But seriously, though, Vic was lazy enough that he did a FARA fail and didn’t even realize it. Let that be a testament to how lazy this fic is.

  21. fledglinghuman says:

    Whyyyyyyyyy is this thing that claims to be a male thinking creature doing this to Zira? This is the character who committed suicide in the deleted version of her death. SHE CHOSE DEATH OVER MUTUAL FORGIVENESS AND THE MERCY OF HER ENEMIES AND NOW SHE’S CRYING BECAUSE BUSTER ALMOST KILLED SIMBA WITH FREAKY ARM BLADES?!

  22. […] those have such a good track record here at the […]

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