741: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapters One and Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, dear patrons, to my next project!  It’s a medium-sized self-insert-Stu fest called A Jedi’s Destiny!

Now, you might be saying, “Hey, Taco, didn’t you already do a self-insert-Stu fest called A Jedi’s Destiny?”

Well, yes I did. Sorta.  See, the other fic I did was actually called A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith which was written by Jedi421.  The fic I’ll be working on now is just A Jedi’s Destiny and is written by Victor Tarsus.

This fic has been sitting in my queue since almost the day I started that other project, so it’s been stewing for a while.  This A Jedi’s Destiny follows an anthropomorphic super-soldier lion created by a generic NWO corporation and his ascension to Jedi-hood.  Yeah, with a plot like that how could you go wrong, right?  Well, I’ll be showing you how it can go wrong, in detail.

Before we get started, I’d like to address the elephant in the room: Furries.  One second:

*Taco pulls out a soap box and climbs up*

Furries are pretty much the whipping target of the internet right now, along with bronies which are a bit of a sub-group.  Honestly, I have no problem with either group.  I have no problem with them for many reasons.  First, they are doing legal, consensual things that do not, by their nature, forward a message of hate, intolerance, or bigotry.  If I’m gonna hate a group, I’m going to pick something worth hating: like the KKK, NeoNazis, or Westboro Baptists.  Honestly, all the vitriol that is send the way of the harmless furries would be better channeled to groups that are actually toxic to society.  I’d perfer not to hate anyone at all, but if you’re gonna do it, pick the people who incite abuse.

Second, I grew up as a geek and gamer in the late 80s and early 90s.  Back in those days, that made me a freak and a target for both verbal and physical abuse.  Newer gamers don’t have to worry about those things both because of progress, and because most of the hate has moved on to more compelling freaks, such as furries, juggaloes, and the like.  However, being the freak of the week taught me to tolerate other freaks, even if I don’t really understand where they’re coming from.  Hell, we’re all freaks in the right light, so I say wave your freak flag and join the freak parade.  I’ve been the target freak, and it sucks hardcore, so I’m not going to turn into the bully just because another freak came along to take center stage.

Third, a lot of what causes people to lash out at the furries is the same kind of thinking that ultimately holds society back on a lot of issues.  Namely: fear of the unknown and incomprehensible. Fear readily turns into hatred and abuse (to indirectly quote Yoda), and we see that in just about any situation where a group of people is being unjustly abused.  I strive to be better than my instincts telling me to avoid, alienate, and strike-out at things I don’t understand.  I don’t understand furries.  The idea of dressing up in an anthropomorphic animal costume to hang out and (optionally) have sex with others in costumes strikes me as about the weirdest thing a person could do with their time. But, neither can I understand people who watch sports for fun, or men who enjoy having sex with other men.  Just because I don’t understand those thing does not give me the right to be a hateful little ass-nugget to those people.  Hell, I fully support people doing whatever makes them happy so long as they aren’t hurting anyone or being giant douchebags.

So, if anyone is expecting to see a lot of furry-hate, you’re in for a disappointment (or, if you were dreading the furry-hate, you’re safe here).  I don’t hate furries, and I don’t find bashing them particularly humorous, or in good taste.  I still think what they do is odd, but then I have little room to talk since I play D&D.  Essentially, I regularly imagine myself in the role of a wizard that I have written down on a piece of paper.  I could see that more than a few people would think that’s pretty odd.  And, given that I game, I can see the draw of fantasy of any kind, so we may not actually be that different.  And, really, gamers in general have no room to talk because we all play pretty elaborate games of make-believe all the time.  And some of us cosplay, which starts to really blur that line.

XKCD had a pithier way to phrase all that.

So, long story short: no abuse of furries to be found here, and I think it’s pretty lame to be a bully and attack them.  If you’re looking for that kind of thing, go check out 4chan. Plenty of assholes over there to hang with.

*Climbs off the soap box*

Anyway, just because I’m cool with furries doesn’t make this thing NOT totally suck.  This fic is, frankly, putrid.  Luckily it manages to be putrid without much in the way of romance.  I mean yeah, it tries, but it’s more like it sat near something with romance while it was being written and just absorbed a little via diffusion.  Usually when I skim over anthropomorphic NWO fics since I see quite a bit of literary porn therein.  In the case of A Jedi’s Destiny, the most pornographic it gets is some bland kissing and a single poorly described scene that is probably about sex.  Woo, risqué.

So, we start off with a somewhat atypical disclaimer:

(c)This story does not in any way infringe on the Lion King and Simba’s Pride franchise in any way.

Uh, dude, no.  Copyright doesn’t work like that.  Your disclaimer is like breaking into somebody’s house, taking their TV and saying that you didn’t steal any of their stuff in any way.  Just because you say you aren’t stealing doesn’t mean you aren’t.  If you’re using characters from Lion King without writing a lampoon or without explicit permission, then you’re infringing it.  And this thing is infringing it.  Oh boy is it infringing.

There for this story was made not to make money and not to overide any copy right laws placed by Disney and company.

Not even out of the disclaimer and we’re running into grammatical problems.  First off, ‘therefore’ is one word.  Second, it’s the wrong word because the fic not being produced for profit is not a result of the lack of perceived infringement.  The only thing you said correct is that your work does not override (which you spelled wrong)  Disney’s copyright.  It’s still in full effect and you’re infringing the hell out of it.  Luckily, the fact that you aren’t making any money means you likely won’t see any repercussions.

We’re not even to the title of the first chapter and this thing is already stupid.

Chapter 1

The Begining

A first chapter called “The Begining.”  If you were expecting originality, you’re probably new to the Library.  Welcome!

It’s also not spelled correctly, which is always a good sign.

Shortly after World War II, a corporation by the name of X began experimental studies on the animals of Africa and discovered a way to convert a normal human being in to a lion and or other creatures that were brought back by various raids on places like Kenya.

*Pant pant pant wheeze*  Hold on *pant* brain has to catch *pant* its breath.

*Several minutes pass*

OK, so the cliché parade is just gonna keep on coming.  So, we’ve got a shadow corporation named X.  One of these days I keep hoping that I’ll see somebody use a different variable for their shadow corp.  Organization Θ has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

So, X inc., tell us: why are you trying to turn people into lions?

Now some 50 years later, the same corporation has converted two men in to lion’s.

*Headdesk*  

So, because Reasons.  Gotcha.

So, it took them 50 years to turn two men into a lion’s something or other.  I’m thinking a Lion’s ball sack because there are two of them.  So, tell us about the testes brothers.

Corp. X hopes to find out any way to breed half human/lion mix’s to substitute for loss of manpower in wars and peace battles.

Oh look, there’s the reason!  I think the author accidentally wrote this line out-of order with the last one.

So, we have the reason, and it’s stupid.  Somebody needs to clue Corp. X in that humans are good at procreating.  Really good.  Really, really, really good.

Not to mention, in 50 years your population bolstering technology has produced 2 people.  *Slow clap*  The field of robotics is going to be producing armies of automoton soldiers before your little project is going to make enough subjects to staff an In and Out Burger during a lunch rush.  Good jerb.

And what the fuck is a peace battle!?  Is that where you sit around with your opponent trying to be the first to reach the enlightenment of pure pacifism?  Come clean, author, you’re just throwing words together to sound cool, aren’t you?

Pride Lands 1997

Oh good, ,we’re gonna get scene tags.  I bet Ghostie is really excited.

I won’t gripe about the date because there is no indication in any of the movies when they’re supposed to be happening.

Simba and Nala just celebrated the birth of their daughter Kiara.

For those unaware, this is basically what happens at the end of The Lion King.  It’s also pretty much where the second movie, Simba’s Pride, starts.  If you didn’t see the second movie, I don’t blame you. It was profoundly mediocre.  Not as bad as many of the other Disney sequels, but still a cliché and forgettable experience.

Every thing was going to plan in the ceremony until a dark and distant figure appeared in the distance.

*ALARM BLARES*

Aw, damn it!  Crunchy!  Get those new darkwraiths with the sword-chucks in there!

*Much screaming later*

That would probably have gone a lot better without all of the self-inflicted stab wounds.

Anyway, so here we get either our Awesome McEvil or our Self-Insert Stu.  I’ll let you all place bets on which it is.

He Slowly walked to a strange rock figure that had so many creatures gathered around it.

Holy crap that’s an awkward sentence.

 “Now what is all of this for? Why are all of those animals around that rock any way?” He thought to him self as he looked down at a vid screen that was surgically implanted by his corp.

Seriously, guys, why not just go with a watch computer?  Was this guy always loosing them so you had to go to an extreme?

So, you all still trying to figure out if this is the McEvil or insert?  I’ll give you a hint:  50 years after WWII would be 1995.  Hope that helps.

He continued to go father a head and stopped due to a noisy beeping on the implant.

Dude, ew.  This is not the time nor the place to be fathering heads.  So keep captain mystery in his secret lair until you’ve got a little privacy.

He looked at it and saw that the Atom Reconstructed was ready to begin its job.

The hell does that even mean?  It’s just gibberish, isn’t it?  I’m just here, wasting my life reading and reviewing utterly nonsensical gibberish because I’m an idiot who can’t stop himself!

“Not now you stupid thing!” He yelled.

This would be tense if we knew what was happening, and it’d be mysterious if we cared.  Shame that neither of those things is true.

“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!” He moaned in pain.

I’d call that a scream or a bellow.  Moaning is more of a “unnngggghhh” kinda sound.

He fell to the ground and started to scream like he was a pregnant woman giving birth, but in his case it was not giving birth. He was changing!

The fuck? So, he appears randomly in the pride lands where stuff is happening and then starts metamorphosing.  But apparently it’s not the right time for it because he had stuff he was supposed to be doing instead of mutating.  Stuff that required him being by a large rock in the middle of nowhere.

If there’s a plot here, it must be well hidden by the mystery.

Zazu’s attention was distracted as Rafiky presented Kiara to the animals.

A dude screaming in pain and changing into something does tend to pull your mind away from what you were doing, I’ll give him that.

“Sounds Like creature giving birth out there” he said into Simba’s ear.

*Facepalm*

Yes, your constant and obviously uninformed references to the birth process are hilarious, jackass.  Totally not disingenuous at all.

Anyway then-

Oh fuck, it’s one of these kinds of fics:

“What, where?” Simba replied. “Over there sir”. Zazu reported. “Go see what the problem is then wilya, I’m kind of busy here” Simba Ordered.

GAH!  Dammit, use some line breaks in your dialogue!

Also, stop dodging the word “said.”  It’s obvious and making me stabby.

When Zazu got to the location of which he thought he saw the creature.

Dude, stop it.  I know you’re trying to write all lyrical and stuff, but you suck at it and just come off as extremely awkward.  Keep it simple, stupid.

There was nothing in sight but an odd looking bluish material on the ground covered with the words “CORP. X”.

Which Zazu can read because BLUE!

I’m guessing the bluish stuff is the guy’s clothing?  Either that or he melted into a blue goo that just happened to be branded with the Corp. X logo.  I don’t know, I stopped caring about what was actually happening back when the author misspelled the chapter title.

Zazu returned to pride rock after an extensive search of the area.

But without searching the blue stuff.  That couldn’t possibly be important.

He now was in a meeting with Simba.

Damn, Zazu, when did you learn to teleport like that?

“I’m sure a saw at least a Lion sir” He said to Simba.

Yeah, except that didn’t happen.  All you saw was blue stuff.

 “Ok then, what is this talk about a bluish material?” Simba asked.

What talk?  The meeting just started, didn’t it?  Did the blue-stuff become talk of the town in the last hour already?

“It had the words CORP. X on it.

Which Zazu can just read because the plot demands it.

There was a little blood on the Blue thing though” Zazu said.

So, Zazu can read, but can’t identify what the blue thing is.  Not boding well for consistent voice.

(King Buster smiling at his new look after his conversion. Ursula of TLK Chat created this picture)

THE HECK?  What!?  What is that supposed to… WHAT!?  It’s an authors note of… a picture drawn by Ursula of a chat group I guess?  But there’s no link or anything

I can’t even… WHAT!?  Who the hell is King Buster?  Why does he have a new look?  Why can he hear that conversation?    WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?

Wait… hold on a second, this clown also has a FF.net account.  Let me just-  Crap, that’s what this is supposed to be referencing.  It’s his account picture over at FF.net, even though he only posted 4 out of 16 chapters over there.

It’s nothing really special, either.  Just a black and white picture of an anthropomorphic lion.  That looks kinda like a polar bear with an off-center head.  In a generic military uniform.  Certainly worth putting a confusing-ass author’s note in the body of your fic.

*GONG*

That’s gotta be the low point of chapter 1.  Honestly how do you top-

***Now the movie Simba’s Pride kicks in***

Right, by using a line-break… thing to indicate that you’re transitioning to the next bit of canon.  I should have guessed.

Anyway, chapter 1 ends there.  Pretty short and nothing of any kind of sense happened.  Onward to chapter 2!

Chapter 2

Zira’s Alive!

Um… okay?  She pends most of the second movie alive, so if the fic is taking place-

After Kiara and Kovu were married, the pride lands were peacefully quite.

Crap. That little tag at the end of the first chapter was supposed to indicate that the whole second movie has passed.  That’s lazy as shit, author.  I suppose I should just be thankful we didn’t get a long-winded plot regurgitation.

*Takes a deep breath* OK, I’m gonna background you peeps real quick, so strap in for some canon.  I’ll just be handling the second movie since I assume you’ve watched The Lion King at least once, and if you haven’t, go watch it.

The second movie is pretty simple.  Zira is basically Scar 2.0, only female.  She sides with Scar during his reign, has some cubs who may or may not be Scar’s progeny, and then is exiled by Simba for being team Scar along with a bunch of other lions.  Guess Simba was still pissed about the murder of his father.  Anyway, those lions form their own pride and do stuff in the outlands, wherever those are.  During this time Zira raises a pair of cubs who bear no resemblance to Scar at all.  One, Kovu, she strokes as Scars successor to be the new king, the other, Nuka  (yes, like the cola), basically becomes the second-fiddle evil guy. You know, basically Loki.  Simba’s daughter, Kiara, grows up to be a very generic lioness/princess who has no skill as a lioness despite growing up with a pretty substantial pack.  Yeah, I don’t know how that works.  Back in the outlands, Zira hatches a plot to get Kovu close to Simba and kill him, but things go wrong, stuff happens, Nuka dies, Zira blames Kovu, Kovu turns against his pride, falls in love with Kiara, Zira creates a turf war by leading her pride against Simba’s, and then Zira gets railing-killed Disney-style by falling off a cliff into the water.  Kovu and Kiara become mates, the two estranged prides re-unite.  The end.

As I said, very uninspired movie.

So, that’s basically everything that happens between chapter 1 and chapter 2.  Except, Zira somehow survives her plunge into the water loaded with spiky rocks.  Probably with a hidden jetpack or something.  Kinda ruins the surprise that she’s still alive by including it in the chapter heading, but since when have fic authors ever cared about pacing or tension, amirite?

The once elegant Zira was found barely alive by the stranger that had appeared only when Kiara was presented.

Oh for the love of crap.  This is gonna charge into “hurt/comfort/change for the better” territory, isn’t it?

He picked her limp body up and started to find his way back to the conversion site.

The what now?  Is that one of those spots in the formless void that we’re supposed to know about?  Was there some reading I needed to do before starting this fic?  WHAT IS GOING ON!?

The site for 17 months had been his home.

Yeah, that’s not helping.  Can I at least be shown what it looks like?

When he found it, Zira was starting to wake up.

Found it?  But he lives there!  Why would he need to find it!?  Does it move around whenever he leaves?  Man, this void has some very fluxy qualities about it.  This must be the bastard child of the two.  A Situationally Dependant Quantum Void of Formless Flux if you will.

He put her down and left without a word in search of something for her eat.

Fair enough, I mean what are you gonna say to a lioness?  Honestly, when she started waking up I’d have dropped her and GTFO’d.  Holding a groggy injured lioness is pretty high on my “Nope!” list.

Zira finally opened her eyes after hours of pain and suffering due to the vultures that circled her when the stranger found her.

Man, vultures can be real jerks.  Making Zira suffer by going around and around and around  and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around  and around…

*Passes out*

*Hours later*

She looked at the ceiling of the cave she was in for a long time until she heard a voice out side.

CEILING!  WHEE!

I’m always impressed by the capacity of fictional characters to stare at the ceiling intently for long periods of time.  I can empathize though, having insomnia is a lot like that.  Only, with your brain is going about 200 miles an hour trying to decide what the most efficient way to fold a napkin is.  At three in the morning.

“Who are you” the voice asked. “I’m the master of this cave” Another voice said.

Well, this is gonna be easy to follow.

“Is there any one else in that cave mister…….” “Buster, my name is Buster Tiberious” The one said again.

Those of you who guessed author insertion in chapter 1, you were right!  Those who guessed Awesome McEvil… you are also right as he just saved an unabashedly evil lioness.  Not to mention that in the four or so lines of dialogue he’s had, he already has managed to sound like a tool.  So, anyway, unabashed author insertion, even going so far as to be named after his online moniker.  Real subtle.  Tiberious as a last name is an interesting choice, too.  It’ not spelled the common way, but like the alien mineral in Command and Conquer.  I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

“And, no there is no one in side the cave” Buster said. “Ok, carry on” the first voice said.

So, what was all that about?  Some kind of lion police checking in?  I have a feeling we may never know.

Zira backed up against the wall of the cave when this Buster T. entered the cave.

Uh, please just use either Buster or Tiberious.  Buster T. sounds like a WWE character.  That is to say, lame.

He sat down and turned to face Zira and passed her a chunk of meat.  She hesitated for a couple of seconds and then leaned forward and took the piece of meat into her mouth.

When I said that this fic was not pornographic, I did forget to mention that, just like the other Jedi’s Destiny, it’s filled with all kinds of unintentional innuendos.  Aren’t you so glad to hear that!?

She went back to the wall and slowly started to eat the meat. “My name is Buster, What is yours?” he asked.

Uh, dude, she’s a lion.  How the crap is she going to answer that question?  And what about Buster?  Is he a lion, too?  Is he already anthropomorphized? Is he still human?  Is he a small blue rabbit?  Author, can you describe at least one character!?  All this vague is making your fic more confusing than it already is!

I know, I know, it’s implied that he’s anthropomorphic by referencing his account picture, and that Zira probably is too… because magic cave, but we’re never shown a damn thing.

“M-my name is Zira” She squeaked out under her eating frenzy.

Is she speaking English?  How did she learn that!?  Maybe they’re speaking lion… in which case how did Buster learn to speak lion!?

*Shakes fic*

START MAKING SENSE!

“Why did you save me?” Zira asked.

You know, the usual.  Convenient plot and the need for a senseless romance.

“It’s my nature to help others in need. In fact when I saved you, I noticed who attractive you were” Buster said.

Dude, what the fuck?  Really, I mean it.  You just basically said that you saved her because she’s hot.  And this is supposed to be our protagonist.  That’s it, we’re gonna do this right and make a counter.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 1

Going back to our roots with that one.

 “Attractive? Me attractive!?” she laughed with an al most upset way.

I’d be pretty upset too.  Getting saved by a guy who only did it to get into your pants?  Yeah, fuck that noise.

 “Yes attractive” Buster replied.

Well, at least this fic isn’t going to be a shallow masturbatory fantasy or anything.

“But look at me! All mangled and stuff!” She Yelled.

I’m getting close to a cliché counter on this one.  So, we’ve got an attractive woman who has self-esteem issues.  I’d find that pretty sad for the author if it wasn’t so insulting to women.

“Ah that’s just little minor reflections of a great and attractive Lioness” Buster said with ease.

So… being rough and used-looking is a mark of greatness?  I don’t think I buy-

*Squints*

Well played, Rolling Stones. You win this round.

“But why do you think I’m attractive?” Zira asked wide eyes.

Because he’s the avatar of a Lion King fanboy who has the hots for the badgirl of the second movie.

 “Because of all the time I have spent here hiding in the shadows down wind of that idiot Simba.

Hmm, Simba bashing.  That’s… new.  Not good, but unexpected at least.  Still doesn’t explain why you take her side in the whole “Murder King Simba and put Kovu on the throne” fiasco.  For a dude who informed us he likes to help people, that seems a bit…

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 2

You’re the first lioness I love for what I have read in the eyes of Simba and Nala of how much you were powerful and graceful at Team work in a pride, that’s why Zira” Buster Said.

The hell does that even mean?  And team-work?  Bull-shit.  Zira was in it for herself.  She wanted her son to claim power so that she’d be able to share it.  She sucked balls as a leader, was awful as mother, and wasn’t even smart enough to be a C-grade villain.

And, you know, is her convalescence in your secret cave minutes after you two meet for the first time really the best time to start making overtures of love?  Seems like you’re coming off as more of a stalker to me.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 3

I have a feeling this thing is going to get a workout.

With those words, Zira got up and walked over to Buster. She nuzzled up against Buster’s side and laid back down at his side.

And boom, I guess they’re in love.  Fuck you, fic, and the lion you rode in on!

United States/. White House

Greeeeeeeat.

“Now every one are you sure buster has not replied to the orders given to him over the last 14 months?” The President of the US asked his legislature.

*Facepalm*

OK, I can forgive this because the writer is Canadian.  But, secret black-ops projects probably would be at the cabinet level and not something the legislative branch would really know about.  Certainly not enough of the legislative branch to have all of them at this meeting.

Also, that’s it, I’m building a cliché counter.

*Lots of construction later*

Let’s see here, falling in love with the woman you save,  hot woman has esteem issues that give the main character a chance, main character being a renegade, the shadow corp being named “x”, the government actually being involved with the program, the program being to develop human-animal hybrids, and the bad girl is actually misunderstood.

*SLAM*

Seen it Before: 7

“Mr. President, as a representative of CORP. X. Yes Capt. Buster never replied to any transition’s over the covert Ethernet system supplied by Canada’s Prime Minister and the CIA” A man said as he got up in the last row of the meeting room.

Author, just because you know complicated words, it doesn’t mean you know how to use them.

So wait, they lose contact with an operative 14 months ago… and nobody looks into it!?

Meh, sounds kinda like what you’d expect out of a US/Canadian joint venture, actually.

“Is that true Mr. Valekahn?” The secretary of defense asked as he looked at the print outs of Buster’s Geographic location.

So they do know where he is, but don’t bother to figure out why he isn’t answering the internet.  That’s… even stupider than losing track of him, actually.

“Yes it’s all true Mr. Deker. It’s apparent that he has changed into the lion that was electronically stored in the vid screen computer.

Ah, so he’s a lion.  Then the question follows: how did he pick Zira up and carry her to his cave?  If he’s a lion, that’s gonna be pretty hard.

Don’t hurt yourself thinking about that one, author.  I’m sure it never occurred to you to make this turd plausible.

It’s also known that he has achieved the respect of a lioness as well” Mr. Valekahn reported to the Secretary of defense.

Okay… so… WHY DO WE CARE!?  Yeah, yeah, I know the point was to create a lion/human hybrid to repopulate the already overpopulated world, but how does this help?  If you turned him completely into a lion, that’s gonna hinder part 2 of the plan!

*Shakes Fic*

YOU STILL AREN’T MAKING ANY SENSE!

The president then made a funny strange face spoke

 “When you say, achieved the respect of a lioness. Are you hinting that Capt. Buster has found a mate down there as a lion?”

That’s a good question, provided we all accept that the target audience of this fic is comprised of extremely stupid people that will need that kind of thing spelled out for them.

Mr. Valekahn paused for a moment. “Mr. President. He indeed has found a mate, but this is not for certain.

Just so we’re all on the same page: The primary romance of this fic was one exchange of dialogue and then boom, mated.  You can feel the lazy just oozing off this thing.

Now, let’s see what that “but not for certain” bullshit is all about:

Now for example, a pride consists of an alpha lion like we categorize the lead male of a wolf pack.

Sorta.  Not that simple, but Lion King did screw that part of the whole pride hierarchy up, so I’ll let it slide.  If you want to know a bit more about the rather complex lion social structure, check this out.

 This lion may chose to breed with any member of the lioness’s of the pride and therefore makes a, if you will, feline pack of the same value” explained Valekahn.

Um, no.  Disney got it wrong, but they didn’t get it THAT wrong.  That’s pretty-

“This is stupid! This meeting is over gentlemen. If you want to speak to me on this idiotic topic, forget it!” The President yelled.

*High-fives Bill Clinton*

You and me both, bro.

Never thought I’d have a reason to high-five Pres. Clinton.

With those words, the meeting was over and the men that were at the meeting left for their homes.

Right, because nobody ever has any more work to do after a meeting.  Firm rule.  After any meeting you all get to go home.

Instead of going home, Mr. Valekahn stayed at the White House.

Now you’re just messing with me, aren’t you, fic?

So yeah, everyone leaves but our villain.

And don’t pretend he isn’t going to be the villain.  Just look at the dude’s name.  It’s got Kahn in it for crap’s sake.

Around 10 PM that same night, he slipped in to a highly restricted area and started work on his anti lion system.

*Snerk*

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That’s gotta be the stupidest thing I’ve ever read!  Dude, we already have ample anti-lion systems.  We honestly don’t need a new one.  Here, let me show you something:

There you are: a Browning M2 .50 BMG machine gun.  Sprinkle a few of those around the White House and you’ll be safe from any lion attack that might happen.

Honestly, of all the things I’ve typed for the library, that’s probably the most ludicrous.

Anti-lion system, indeed.

Pride Lands

Such a shame we had to cut away from our budding Awesome McEvil.  After he perfected the anti-lion system maybe he was gonna move on to develop some kind of foot covering to keep them warm in cold weather.

Simba was having a hard time when he heard of Zira not being dead.

Somewhat understandable.  I mean, she did try to kill him.  Twice.  I could see how that would be a bit unnerving to find out she’s still alive after she plumeted off a cliff towards razor sharp rocks.  So Simba, tell me more about this hard time you’re having.

…

I guess not since that was the last line of the chapter.  Yeah, this thing is just a peach of a fic, isn’t it?

Anyway, if you all thought this week was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet!  Until next week, patrons!

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