741: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapters One and Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: 
Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, dear patrons, to my next project!  It’s a medium-sized self-insert-Stu fest called A Jedi’s Destiny!

Now, you might be saying, “Hey, Taco, didn’t you already do a self-insert-Stu fest called A Jedi’s Destiny?”

Well, yes I did. Sorta.  See, the other fic I did was actually called A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith which was written by Jedi421.  The fic I’ll be working on now is just A Jedi’s Destiny and is written by Victor Tarsus.

This fic has been sitting in my queue since almost the day I started that other project, so it’s been stewing for a while.  This A Jedi’s Destiny follows an anthropomorphic super-soldier lion created by a generic NWO corporation and his ascension to Jedi-hood.  Yeah, with a plot like that how could you go wrong, right?  Well, I’ll be showing you how it can go wrong, in detail.

Before we get started, I’d like to address the elephant in the room: Furries.  One second:

*Taco pulls out a soap box and climbs up*

Furries are pretty much the whipping target of the internet right now, along with bronies which are a bit of a sub-group.  Honestly, I have no problem with either group.  I have no problem with them for many reasons.  First, they are doing legal, consensual things that do not, by their nature, forward a message of hate, intolerance, or bigotry.  If I’m gonna hate a group, I’m going to pick something worth hating: like the KKK, NeoNazis, or Westboro Baptists.  Honestly, all the vitriol that is send the way of the harmless furries would be better channeled to groups that are actually toxic to society.  I’d perfer not to hate anyone at all, but if you’re gonna do it, pick the people who incite abuse.

Second, I grew up as a geek and gamer in the late 80s and early 90s.  Back in those days, that made me a freak and a target for both verbal and physical abuse.  Newer gamers don’t have to worry about those things both because of progress, and because most of the hate has moved on to more compelling freaks, such as furries, juggaloes, and the like.  However, being the freak of the week taught me to tolerate other freaks, even if I don’t really understand where they’re coming from.  Hell, we’re all freaks in the right light, so I say wave your freak flag and join the freak parade.  I’ve been the target freak, and it sucks hardcore, so I’m not going to turn into the bully just because another freak came along to take center stage.

Third, a lot of what causes people to lash out at the furries is the same kind of thinking that ultimately holds society back on a lot of issues.  Namely: fear of the unknown and incomprehensible. Fear readily turns into hatred and abuse (to indirectly quote Yoda), and we see that in just about any situation where a group of people is being unjustly abused.  I strive to be better than my instincts telling me to avoid, alienate, and strike-out at things I don’t understand.  I don’t understand furries.  The idea of dressing up in an anthropomorphic animal costume to hang out and (optionally) have sex with others in costumes strikes me as about the weirdest thing a person could do with their time. But, neither can I understand people who watch sports for fun, or men who enjoy having sex with other men.  Just because I don’t understand those thing does not give me the right to be a hateful little ass-nugget to those people.  Hell, I fully support people doing whatever makes them happy so long as they aren’t hurting anyone or being giant douchebags.

So, if anyone is expecting to see a lot of furry-hate, you’re in for a disappointment (or, if you were dreading the furry-hate, you’re safe here).  I don’t hate furries, and I don’t find bashing them particularly humorous, or in good taste.  I still think what they do is odd, but then I have little room to talk since I play D&D.  Essentially, I regularly imagine myself in the role of a wizard that I have written down on a piece of paper.  I could see that more than a few people would think that’s pretty odd.  And, given that I game, I can see the draw of fantasy of any kind, so we may not actually be that different.  And, really, gamers in general have no room to talk because we all play pretty elaborate games of make-believe all the time.  And some of us cosplay, which starts to really blur that line.

XKCD had a pithier way to phrase all that.

So, long story short: no abuse of furries to be found here, and I think it’s pretty lame to be a bully and attack them.  If you’re looking for that kind of thing, go check out 4chan. Plenty of assholes over there to hang with.

*Climbs off the soap box*

Anyway, just because I’m cool with furries doesn’t make this thing NOT totally suck.  This fic is, frankly, putrid.  Luckily it manages to be putrid without much in the way of romance.  I mean yeah, it tries, but it’s more like it sat near something with romance while it was being written and just absorbed a little via diffusion.  Usually when I skim over anthropomorphic NWO fics since I see quite a bit of literary porn therein.  In the case of A Jedi’s Destiny, the most pornographic it gets is some bland kissing and a single poorly described scene that is probably about sex.  Woo, risqué.

So, we start off with a somewhat atypical disclaimer:

(c)This story does not in any way infringe on the Lion King and Simba’s Pride franchise in any way.

Uh, dude, no.  Copyright doesn’t work like that.  Your disclaimer is like breaking into somebody’s house, taking their TV and saying that you didn’t steal any of their stuff in any way.  Just because you say you aren’t stealing doesn’t mean you aren’t.  If you’re using characters from Lion King without writing a lampoon or without explicit permission, then you’re infringing it.  And this thing is infringing it.  Oh boy is it infringing.

There for this story was made not to make money and not to overide any copy right laws placed by Disney and company.

Not even out of the disclaimer and we’re running into grammatical problems.  First off, ‘therefore’ is one word.  Second, it’s the wrong word because the fic not being produced for profit is not a result of the lack of perceived infringement.  The only thing you said correct is that your work does not override (which you spelled wrong)  Disney’s copyright.  It’s still in full effect and you’re infringing the hell out of it.  Luckily, the fact that you aren’t making any money means you likely won’t see any repercussions.

We’re not even to the title of the first chapter and this thing is already stupid.

Chapter 1

The Begining

A first chapter called “The Begining.”  If you were expecting originality, you’re probably new to the Library.  Welcome!

It’s also not spelled correctly, which is always a good sign.

Shortly after World War II, a corporation by the name of X began experimental studies on the animals of Africa and discovered a way to convert a normal human being in to a lion and or other creatures that were brought back by various raids on places like Kenya.

*Pant pant pant wheeze*  Hold on *pant* brain has to catch *pant* its breath.

*Several minutes pass*

OK, so the cliché parade is just gonna keep on coming.  So, we’ve got a shadow corporation named X.  One of these days I keep hoping that I’ll see somebody use a different variable for their shadow corp.  Organization Θ has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

So, X inc., tell us: why are you trying to turn people into lions?

Now some 50 years later, the same corporation has converted two men in to lion’s.

*Headdesk*  

So, because Reasons.  Gotcha.

So, it took them 50 years to turn two men into a lion’s something or other.  I’m thinking a Lion’s ball sack because there are two of them.  So, tell us about the testes brothers.

Corp. X hopes to find out any way to breed half human/lion mix’s to substitute for loss of manpower in wars and peace battles.

Oh look, there’s the reason!  I think the author accidentally wrote this line out-of order with the last one.

So, we have the reason, and it’s stupid.  Somebody needs to clue Corp. X in that humans are good at procreating.  Really good.  Really, really, really good.

Not to mention, in 50 years your population bolstering technology has produced 2 people.  *Slow clap*  The field of robotics is going to be producing armies of automoton soldiers before your little project is going to make enough subjects to staff an In and Out Burger during a lunch rush.  Good jerb.

And what the fuck is a peace battle!?  Is that where you sit around with your opponent trying to be the first to reach the enlightenment of pure pacifism?  Come clean, author, you’re just throwing words together to sound cool, aren’t you?

Pride Lands 1997

Oh good, ,we’re gonna get scene tags.  I bet Ghostie is really excited.

I won’t gripe about the date because there is no indication in any of the movies when they’re supposed to be happening.

Simba and Nala just celebrated the birth of their daughter Kiara.

For those unaware, this is basically what happens at the end of The Lion King.  It’s also pretty much where the second movie, Simba’s Pride, starts.  If you didn’t see the second movie, I don’t blame you. It was profoundly mediocre.  Not as bad as many of the other Disney sequels, but still a cliché and forgettable experience.

Every thing was going to plan in the ceremony until a dark and distant figure appeared in the distance.

*ALARM BLARES*

Aw, damn it!  Crunchy!  Get those new darkwraiths with the sword-chucks in there!

*Much screaming later*

That would probably have gone a lot better without all of the self-inflicted stab wounds.

Anyway, so here we get either our Awesome McEvil or our Self-Insert Stu.  I’ll let you all place bets on which it is.

He Slowly walked to a strange rock figure that had so many creatures gathered around it.

Holy crap that’s an awkward sentence.

 “Now what is all of this for? Why are all of those animals around that rock any way?” He thought to him self as he looked down at a vid screen that was surgically implanted by his corp.

Seriously, guys, why not just go with a watch computer?  Was this guy always loosing them so you had to go to an extreme?

So, you all still trying to figure out if this is the McEvil or insert?  I’ll give you a hint:  50 years after WWII would be 1995.  Hope that helps.

He continued to go father a head and stopped due to a noisy beeping on the implant.

Dude, ew.  This is not the time nor the place to be fathering heads.  So keep captain mystery in his secret lair until you’ve got a little privacy.

He looked at it and saw that the Atom Reconstructed was ready to begin its job.

The hell does that even mean?  It’s just gibberish, isn’t it?  I’m just here, wasting my life reading and reviewing utterly nonsensical gibberish because I’m an idiot who can’t stop himself!

“Not now you stupid thing!” He yelled.

This would be tense if we knew what was happening, and it’d be mysterious if we cared.  Shame that neither of those things is true.

“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!” He moaned in pain.

I’d call that a scream or a bellow.  Moaning is more of a “unnngggghhh” kinda sound.

He fell to the ground and started to scream like he was a pregnant woman giving birth, but in his case it was not giving birth. He was changing!

The fuck? So, he appears randomly in the pride lands where stuff is happening and then starts metamorphosing.  But apparently it’s not the right time for it because he had stuff he was supposed to be doing instead of mutating.  Stuff that required him being by a large rock in the middle of nowhere.

If there’s a plot here, it must be well hidden by the mystery.

Zazu’s attention was distracted as Rafiky presented Kiara to the animals.

A dude screaming in pain and changing into something does tend to pull your mind away from what you were doing, I’ll give him that.

“Sounds Like creature giving birth out there” he said into Simba’s ear.

*Facepalm*

Yes, your constant and obviously uninformed references to the birth process are hilarious, jackass.  Totally not disingenuous at all.

Anyway then-

Oh fuck, it’s one of these kinds of fics:

“What, where?” Simba replied. “Over there sir”. Zazu reported. “Go see what the problem is then wilya, I’m kind of busy here” Simba Ordered.

GAH!  Dammit, use some line breaks in your dialogue!

Also, stop dodging the word “said.”  It’s obvious and making me stabby.

When Zazu got to the location of which he thought he saw the creature.

Dude, stop it.  I know you’re trying to write all lyrical and stuff, but you suck at it and just come off as extremely awkward.  Keep it simple, stupid.

There was nothing in sight but an odd looking bluish material on the ground covered with the words “CORP. X”.

Which Zazu can read because BLUE!

I’m guessing the bluish stuff is the guy’s clothing?  Either that or he melted into a blue goo that just happened to be branded with the Corp. X logo.  I don’t know, I stopped caring about what was actually happening back when the author misspelled the chapter title.

Zazu returned to pride rock after an extensive search of the area.

But without searching the blue stuff.  That couldn’t possibly be important.

He now was in a meeting with Simba.

Damn, Zazu, when did you learn to teleport like that?

“I’m sure a saw at least a Lion sir” He said to Simba.

Yeah, except that didn’t happen.  All you saw was blue stuff.

 “Ok then, what is this talk about a bluish material?” Simba asked.

What talk?  The meeting just started, didn’t it?  Did the blue-stuff become talk of the town in the last hour already?

“It had the words CORP. X on it.

Which Zazu can just read because the plot demands it.

There was a little blood on the Blue thing though” Zazu said.

So, Zazu can read, but can’t identify what the blue thing is.  Not boding well for consistent voice.

(King Buster smiling at his new look after his conversion. Ursula of TLK Chat created this picture)

THE HECK?  What!?  What is that supposed to… WHAT!?  It’s an authors note of… a picture drawn by Ursula of a chat group I guess?  But there’s no link or anything

I can’t even… WHAT!?  Who the hell is King Buster?  Why does he have a new look?  Why can he hear that conversation?    WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?

Wait… hold on a second, this clown also has a FF.net account.  Let me just-  Crap, that’s what this is supposed to be referencing.  It’s his account picture over at FF.net, even though he only posted 4 out of 16 chapters over there.

It’s nothing really special, either.  Just a black and white picture of an anthropomorphic lion.  That looks kinda like a polar bear with an off-center head.  In a generic military uniform.  Certainly worth putting a confusing-ass author’s note in the body of your fic.

*GONG*

That’s gotta be the low point of chapter 1.  Honestly how do you top-

***Now the movie Simba’s Pride kicks in***

Right, by using a line-break… thing to indicate that you’re transitioning to the next bit of canon.  I should have guessed.

Anyway, chapter 1 ends there.  Pretty short and nothing of any kind of sense happened.  Onward to chapter 2!

Chapter 2

Zira’s Alive!

Um… okay?  She pends most of the second movie alive, so if the fic is taking place-

After Kiara and Kovu were married, the pride lands were peacefully quite.

Crap. That little tag at the end of the first chapter was supposed to indicate that the whole second movie has passed.  That’s lazy as shit, author.  I suppose I should just be thankful we didn’t get a long-winded plot regurgitation.

*Takes a deep breath* OK, I’m gonna background you peeps real quick, so strap in for some canon.  I’ll just be handling the second movie since I assume you’ve watched The Lion King at least once, and if you haven’t, go watch it.

The second movie is pretty simple.  Zira is basically Scar 2.0, only female.  She sides with Scar during his reign, has some cubs who may or may not be Scar’s progeny, and then is exiled by Simba for being team Scar along with a bunch of other lions.  Guess Simba was still pissed about the murder of his father.  Anyway, those lions form their own pride and do stuff in the outlands, wherever those are.  During this time Zira raises a pair of cubs who bear no resemblance to Scar at all.  One, Kovu, she strokes as Scars successor to be the new king, the other, Nuka  (yes, like the cola), basically becomes the second-fiddle evil guy. You know, basically Loki.  Simba’s daughter, Kiara, grows up to be a very generic lioness/princess who has no skill as a lioness despite growing up with a pretty substantial pack.  Yeah, I don’t know how that works.  Back in the outlands, Zira hatches a plot to get Kovu close to Simba and kill him, but things go wrong, stuff happens, Nuka dies, Zira blames Kovu, Kovu turns against his pride, falls in love with Kiara, Zira creates a turf war by leading her pride against Simba’s, and then Zira gets railing-killed Disney-style by falling off a cliff into the water.  Kovu and Kiara become mates, the two estranged prides re-unite.  The end.

As I said, very uninspired movie.

So, that’s basically everything that happens between chapter 1 and chapter 2.  Except, Zira somehow survives her plunge into the water loaded with spiky rocks.  Probably with a hidden jetpack or something.  Kinda ruins the surprise that she’s still alive by including it in the chapter heading, but since when have fic authors ever cared about pacing or tension, amirite?

The once elegant Zira was found barely alive by the stranger that had appeared only when Kiara was presented.

Oh for the love of crap.  This is gonna charge into “hurt/comfort/change for the better” territory, isn’t it?

He picked her limp body up and started to find his way back to the conversion site.

The what now?  Is that one of those spots in the formless void that we’re supposed to know about?  Was there some reading I needed to do before starting this fic?  WHAT IS GOING ON!?

The site for 17 months had been his home.

Yeah, that’s not helping.  Can I at least be shown what it looks like?

When he found it, Zira was starting to wake up.

Found it?  But he lives there!  Why would he need to find it!?  Does it move around whenever he leaves?  Man, this void has some very fluxy qualities about it.  This must be the bastard child of the two.  A Situationally Dependant Quantum Void of Formless Flux if you will.

He put her down and left without a word in search of something for her eat.

Fair enough, I mean what are you gonna say to a lioness?  Honestly, when she started waking up I’d have dropped her and GTFO’d.  Holding a groggy injured lioness is pretty high on my “Nope!” list.

Zira finally opened her eyes after hours of pain and suffering due to the vultures that circled her when the stranger found her.

Man, vultures can be real jerks.  Making Zira suffer by going around and around and around  and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around  and around…

*Passes out*

*Hours later*

She looked at the ceiling of the cave she was in for a long time until she heard a voice out side.

CEILING!  WHEE!

I’m always impressed by the capacity of fictional characters to stare at the ceiling intently for long periods of time.  I can empathize though, having insomnia is a lot like that.  Only, with your brain is going about 200 miles an hour trying to decide what the most efficient way to fold a napkin is.  At three in the morning.

“Who are you” the voice asked. “I’m the master of this cave” Another voice said.

Well, this is gonna be easy to follow.

“Is there any one else in that cave mister…….” “Buster, my name is Buster Tiberious” The one said again.

Those of you who guessed author insertion in chapter 1, you were right!  Those who guessed Awesome McEvil… you are also right as he just saved an unabashedly evil lioness.  Not to mention that in the four or so lines of dialogue he’s had, he already has managed to sound like a tool.  So, anyway, unabashed author insertion, even going so far as to be named after his online moniker.  Real subtle.  Tiberious as a last name is an interesting choice, too.  It’ not spelled the common way, but like the alien mineral in Command and Conquer.  I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

“And, no there is no one in side the cave” Buster said. “Ok, carry on” the first voice said.

So, what was all that about?  Some kind of lion police checking in?  I have a feeling we may never know.

Zira backed up against the wall of the cave when this Buster T. entered the cave.

Uh, please just use either Buster or Tiberious.  Buster T. sounds like a WWE character.  That is to say, lame.

He sat down and turned to face Zira and passed her a chunk of meat.  She hesitated for a couple of seconds and then leaned forward and took the piece of meat into her mouth.

When I said that this fic was not pornographic, I did forget to mention that, just like the other Jedi’s Destiny, it’s filled with all kinds of unintentional innuendos.  Aren’t you so glad to hear that!?

She went back to the wall and slowly started to eat the meat. “My name is Buster, What is yours?” he asked.

Uh, dude, she’s a lion.  How the crap is she going to answer that question?  And what about Buster?  Is he a lion, too?  Is he already anthropomorphized? Is he still human?  Is he a small blue rabbit?  Author, can you describe at least one character!?  All this vague is making your fic more confusing than it already is!

I know, I know, it’s implied that he’s anthropomorphic by referencing his account picture, and that Zira probably is too… because magic cave, but we’re never shown a damn thing.

“M-my name is Zira” She squeaked out under her eating frenzy.

Is she speaking English?  How did she learn that!?  Maybe they’re speaking lion… in which case how did Buster learn to speak lion!?

*Shakes fic*

START MAKING SENSE!

“Why did you save me?” Zira asked.

You know, the usual.  Convenient plot and the need for a senseless romance.

“It’s my nature to help others in need. In fact when I saved you, I noticed who attractive you were” Buster said.

Dude, what the fuck?  Really, I mean it.  You just basically said that you saved her because she’s hot.  And this is supposed to be our protagonist.  That’s it, we’re gonna do this right and make a counter.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 1

Going back to our roots with that one.

 “Attractive? Me attractive!?” she laughed with an al most upset way.

I’d be pretty upset too.  Getting saved by a guy who only did it to get into your pants?  Yeah, fuck that noise.

 “Yes attractive” Buster replied.

Well, at least this fic isn’t going to be a shallow masturbatory fantasy or anything.

“But look at me! All mangled and stuff!” She Yelled.

I’m getting close to a cliché counter on this one.  So, we’ve got an attractive woman who has self-esteem issues.  I’d find that pretty sad for the author if it wasn’t so insulting to women.

“Ah that’s just little minor reflections of a great and attractive Lioness” Buster said with ease.

So… being rough and used-looking is a mark of greatness?  I don’t think I buy-

MI0003277352

*Squints*

Well played, Rolling Stones. You win this round.

“But why do you think I’m attractive?” Zira asked wide eyes.

Because he’s the avatar of a Lion King fanboy who has the hots for the badgirl of the second movie.

 “Because of all the time I have spent here hiding in the shadows down wind of that idiot Simba.

Hmm, Simba bashing.  That’s… new.  Not good, but unexpected at least.  Still doesn’t explain why you take her side in the whole “Murder King Simba and put Kovu on the throne” fiasco.  For a dude who informed us he likes to help people, that seems a bit…

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 2

You’re the first lioness I love for what I have read in the eyes of Simba and Nala of how much you were powerful and graceful at Team work in a pride, that’s why Zira” Buster Said.

The hell does that even mean?  And team-work?  Bull-shit.  Zira was in it for herself.  She wanted her son to claim power so that she’d be able to share it.  She sucked balls as a leader, was awful as mother, and wasn’t even smart enough to be a C-grade villain.

And, you know, is her convalescence in your secret cave minutes after you two meet for the first time really the best time to start making overtures of love?  Seems like you’re coming off as more of a stalker to me.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentleman: 3

I have a feeling this thing is going to get a workout.

With those words, Zira got up and walked over to Buster. She nuzzled up against Buster’s side and laid back down at his side.

And boom, I guess they’re in love.  Fuck you, fic, and the lion you rode in on!

United States/. White House

Greeeeeeeat.

“Now every one are you sure buster has not replied to the orders given to him over the last 14 months?” The President of the US asked his legislature.

*Facepalm*

OK, I can forgive this because the writer is Canadian.  But, secret black-ops projects probably would be at the cabinet level and not something the legislative branch would really know about.  Certainly not enough of the legislative branch to have all of them at this meeting.

Also, that’s it, I’m building a cliché counter.

*Lots of construction later*

Let’s see here, falling in love with the woman you save,  hot woman has esteem issues that give the main character a chance, main character being a renegade, the shadow corp being named “x”, the government actually being involved with the program, the program being to develop human-animal hybrids, and the bad girl is actually misunderstood.

*SLAM*

Seen it Before: 7

“Mr. President, as a representative of CORP. X. Yes Capt. Buster never replied to any transition’s over the covert Ethernet system supplied by Canada’s Prime Minister and the CIA” A man said as he got up in the last row of the meeting room.

Author, just because you know complicated words, it doesn’t mean you know how to use them.

So wait, they lose contact with an operative 14 months ago… and nobody looks into it!?

Meh, sounds kinda like what you’d expect out of a US/Canadian joint venture, actually.

“Is that true Mr. Valekahn?” The secretary of defense asked as he looked at the print outs of Buster’s Geographic location.

So they do know where he is, but don’t bother to figure out why he isn’t answering the internet.  That’s… even stupider than losing track of him, actually.

“Yes it’s all true Mr. Deker. It’s apparent that he has changed into the lion that was electronically stored in the vid screen computer.

Ah, so he’s a lion.  Then the question follows: how did he pick Zira up and carry her to his cave?  If he’s a lion, that’s gonna be pretty hard.

Don’t hurt yourself thinking about that one, author.  I’m sure it never occurred to you to make this turd plausible.

It’s also known that he has achieved the respect of a lioness as well” Mr. Valekahn reported to the Secretary of defense.

Okay… so… WHY DO WE CARE!?  Yeah, yeah, I know the point was to create a lion/human hybrid to repopulate the already overpopulated world, but how does this help?  If you turned him completely into a lion, that’s gonna hinder part 2 of the plan!

*Shakes Fic*

YOU STILL AREN’T MAKING ANY SENSE!

The president then made a funny strange face spoke

images

 “When you say, achieved the respect of a lioness. Are you hinting that Capt. Buster has found a mate down there as a lion?”

That’s a good question, provided we all accept that the target audience of this fic is comprised of extremely stupid people that will need that kind of thing spelled out for them.

Mr. Valekahn paused for a moment. “Mr. President. He indeed has found a mate, but this is not for certain.

Just so we’re all on the same page: The primary romance of this fic was one exchange of dialogue and then boom, mated.  You can feel the lazy just oozing off this thing.

Now, let’s see what that “but not for certain” bullshit is all about:

Now for example, a pride consists of an alpha lion like we categorize the lead male of a wolf pack.

Sorta.  Not that simple, but Lion King did screw that part of the whole pride hierarchy up, so I’ll let it slide.  If you want to know a bit more about the rather complex lion social structure, check this out.

 This lion may chose to breed with any member of the lioness’s of the pride and therefore makes a, if you will, feline pack of the same value” explained Valekahn.

Um, no.  Disney got it wrong, but they didn’t get it THAT wrong.  That’s pretty-

“This is stupid! This meeting is over gentlemen. If you want to speak to me on this idiotic topic, forget it!” The President yelled.

*High-fives Bill Clinton*

You and me both, bro.

Never thought I’d have a reason to high-five Pres. Clinton.

With those words, the meeting was over and the men that were at the meeting left for their homes.

Right, because nobody ever has any more work to do after a meeting.  Firm rule.  After any meeting you all get to go home.

Instead of going home, Mr. Valekahn stayed at the White House.

Now you’re just messing with me, aren’t you, fic?

So yeah, everyone leaves but our villain.

And don’t pretend he isn’t going to be the villain.  Just look at the dude’s name.  It’s got Kahn in it for crap’s sake.

Around 10 PM that same night, he slipped in to a highly restricted area and started work on his anti lion system.

*Snerk*

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That’s gotta be the stupidest thing I’ve ever read!  Dude, we already have ample anti-lion systems.  We honestly don’t need a new one.  Here, let me show you something:

Machine_gun_M2_1
There you are: a Browning M2 .50 BMG machine gun.  Sprinkle a few of those around the White House and you’ll be safe from any lion attack that might happen.

Honestly, of all the things I’ve typed for the library, that’s probably the most ludicrous.

Anti-lion system, indeed.

Pride Lands

Such a shame we had to cut away from our budding Awesome McEvil.  After he perfected the anti-lion system maybe he was gonna move on to develop some kind of foot covering to keep them warm in cold weather.

Simba was having a hard time when he heard of Zira not being dead.

Somewhat understandable.  I mean, she did try to kill him.  Twice.  I could see how that would be a bit unnerving to find out she’s still alive after she plumeted off a cliff towards razor sharp rocks.  So Simba, tell me more about this hard time you’re having.

I guess not since that was the last line of the chapter.  Yeah, this thing is just a peach of a fic, isn’t it?

Anyway, if you all thought this week was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet!  Until next week, patrons!

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187 Comments on “741: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapters One and Two”

  1. leobracer says:

    “Shortly after World War II, a corporation by the name of X began experimental studies on the animals of Africa and discovered a way to convert a normal human being in to a lion and or other creatures that were brought back by various raids on places like Kenya.”

    So we have a stupid ass corporation hoping to make hybrids to increase the strength of soldiers?

    Yeah, I’d rather have an army of robots, than an army of hybrids

    • SC says:

      Or robot-hybrids.

      If Revengeance is any indicator, cyborgs are about the worst thing to see coming at you ever.

      • The Crowbar says:

        If you’re going for biomechanical, you should take some lessons from Half-Life 2

        • flarpo11 says:

          The best hybrid soldiers I’ve seen were the spectres in resistance 2. Those guys shrugged off headshots like they were nothing, but they never seemed overpowered because their enemies, namely the chimera, were just as tough, if not tougher.

      • SC says:

        Eh. Been there, done that, beat it with a crowbar until it cried.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I’ve done it 18 times buddy. And right now I’m on my 19-th round.

        …What? It’s a good game…

        And free Crowbars!

      • SC says:

        THEY NEED TO FUCKING HURRY UP WITH EPISODE THREE, GOD DAMN IT.

    • At least they aren’t trying to make zombie lion/human hybrids. That would just be silly.

      • SC says:

        Don’t give ID anymore ideas! We do NOT need a fifth entry!

      • leobracer says:

        I never understood zombies.

        I mean really, what’s the point?

        In fact, a friend of mine pointed out, that zombies wouldn’t last long because of how fast it takes for our bodies to decompose when we’re dead.

      • SC says:

        Well, we gotta have SOME monsters or another in an apocalypse, right?

        (Uuuuugh the bad excuses hurt.)

      • The Crowbar says:

        Zombies are overrated. You can get an apocalypse by doing something with demons, buddy. You, me, the end of the world…

        *The Crowbar yells at the ceiling*

        I was a little fucked up, but You’ve got some ISSUES!

      • Well, for me it’s that fact that a zombie is a human who has been stripped of everything that makes us human; all logic, reason, and emotion – good and bad – is gone. The implication is that without that veneer of civility, we are in our deepest hearts these mindless creatures that destroy everything we touch. They aren’t alien from us, they are us.

      • The Crowbar says:

        …Ghostie. Technically zombies are cannibals who are slowly decomposing and who want nothing more but to eat all other humans.

        Real humans don’t want to eat other humans, because real humans want them as slaves. It’s a small difference, I know, but still.

        I see zombies as the decomposing corpse of my grandmother. Which means I can stuff burning cake down her throat and laugh maniacally while I’m at it.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Actually, not even all humans want slaves. Our brains have been wired to want co-ooperation. Mostly because you never know when you might need that other dude’s help, but most wouldn’t try to resort to slavery, because they know that everyone would steamroll them at the first sign of weakness.

      • A cannibal is a human who has made a conscious decision to consume another human, a zombie no longer has the reasoning ability to make that decision. The only thing they have left is the most basic instinct, hunger, and consume people because we are an abundant source of prey not because we have been chosen with any kind of malicious intent.

      • The Crowbar says:

        OH wait, I re-read your first one, and I completely missed your point. Sorry!

  2. SC says:

    So, long story short: no abuse of furries to be found here, and I think it’s pretty lame to be a bully and attack them. If you’re looking for that kind of thing, go check out 4chan. Plenty of assholes over there to hang with.

    SHUT UP AND TAKE MY LIKES!

  3. SC says:

    You know what strikes me as odd about the fic premise?

    There are literally a race of cat-people IN THE STAR WARS CANON.

    Dey is raight heyuh.

    Why not just go with that and make it easier to explain?

    • leobracer says:

      Because frack research, that’s why.

      • SC says:

        *sigh*

        It’s that reason why I just know, even with all the details I give about the matter, that my own races of half-animal humanoid hybrids would just be written off as “sexy cat/dog girls”, when that really isn’t the case.

      • leobracer says:

        I feel the same way brother.

        I have a few races in my own universe that are hybrid-like. One that is cat-like, another that is wolf-like, and one that is orca-like.

        I also ultimately have fallen into the cliche’ of throwing in a race of space elves as well.

      • SC says:

        …How hard would you laugh if I told you that, save for the Orca one, those are almost exactly like mine (in animal race only)?

        Yes, even the Elves.

        Although, I tried to call my rendition of each by a unique babe that would still get the message across:

        The cat-people are Felinar (with their Yong being recognized as either Kitt-Folk or just kittens)

        The wolf-people are Great Fangs (because they’re based off of dire wolves, which were fucking huge)

        The elves are oh fuck it, I just called them elves.

      • leobracer says:

        Eh, I didn’t really laugh SC.

        The cats are called the Felineice, the wolves are called the Wulvar, the orcas are called the Orcalus, and the space elves are called the Elvar.

        My universe is basically a Science Fantasy Space Opera.

        Hybrids and space elves aren’t the only cliche’ in my universe. There’s also a race of beings made out of pure energy that view themselves as gods, and sees organic life as inferior to them.

      • SC says:

        Ah, see, mine is quite strictly fantasy. In fact, I’m in the process of world-building (LITERALLY FUCKING WORLD-BUILDING, WHY DID I MAKE SO MANY LANDMASSES) the world of Panagaea right now. So there’s a difference there, amongst the others listed, as well.

      • The Crowbar says:

        What The Fuck does this even have to DO with Star Wars?!

        So far, it’s in the 20-th Century, and please don’t make me laugh by saying that lion-thingy lives for hundreds of thousands of years to see all that technology being developed.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Huh? World-building? Hey! I want in on that. I’ve always wanted this detailed world to day-dream in, but can’t find anything worthwhile in a visual sense. I somewhy need to… Confirm it or something. I dunno, I just can’t do ti off the top of my head.

      • World-building is writer-speak; it refers to the process of creating a unique setting from scratch. It’s not just the surface layer that you “see” in the story, but the mythos, the culture, the history – everything about the place. Tolkien’s Middle-Earth is one of the best examples; he created everything, even the languages the characters speak, out of nothing. It’s one of the hardest things about writing fantasy works and involves a lot of work.

      • TacoMagic says:

        You kids have nothing on my race of space dragons who serve as the order keepers of their galaxy.

        Not even kidding.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Meh’. In my head, there’s an inter-galactic society of alternate-history humans and squid-like aliens, who mainly use micro-universes as power sources.

        And the occasional maniacal AI hell-bent on destroying everything (Mass Effect might have influenced tiny details of it a bit)

      • leobracer says:

        I’ve had an idea for a Disney Civil War.

        Basically, Disney are Warner Bros. are two space faring civilizations who have been in a cold war for over a century, and then one day, King Mickey of the Disney Commonwealth goes to the Warner Federation to meet with President Bugs to discuss trade agreements.

        Needless to say, some people within Mickey’s council don’t agree with it, so they leave, and form an independent colony from the Commonwealth. Soon afterwards, many colonies go to join them, and they form the Star Republic, lead by former Councilmen Palpatine.

        One thing leads to another, and soon afterwards, the house of cards comes falling down, and the Disney Commonwealth falls into a Civil War, between the Commonwealth Loyalists and the Republican Separatists.

        It wouldn’t be a full on story, but more like a narrative that describes the events that lead up to the war, as well as documents describing the battles, and interviews from veterans from both sides of the conflict.

        Of course, if I had the time, place, and ambition, I would write it, but I just can’t do it, because its too goddamned ambitious for me to work on.

    • TacoMagic says:

      There’s also a race of dogs called the Nalroni.

      And another race of dogs called the Lupine.

      Pretty much if you can think of a race, Star Wars probably has it.

  4. leobracer says:

    So wait, this guy skipped a whole damn movie just so thatwe could get to the next chapter?

    *Facepalm*

    Jesus Merciful Christ, that’s even worse than Inharmsway’s Telling Not Showing!

  5. SC says:

    In the case of A Jedi’s Destiny, the most pornographic it gets is some bland kissing. Woo, risqué.

    Downright burlesque, even.

  6. SC says:

    Also, stop dodging the word “said.”

    *twitch*

    Uh oh.

  7. SC says:

    Which Zazu can read because BLUE!

    Makes perfect sense to me.

  8. leobracer says:

    And just wonderful! We once again have a designated hero and a Draco in Leather Pants.

    *Jumps into the Battle Armor.*

    Would you excuse me for a moment?

    *Burst through the wall, sounds of battle are heard outside.*

    • SC says:

      Hmm… Condemned rifle, or shoot-people rifle?

      Both.

      *Against is better judgment, SC nebenhuts his rifle with one hand close to the trigger, just in case*

      … Although Fraug’s gonna kill me for this.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Walks into SC’s room and gets immediately shot*

        MY CHEST, YOU ASSHOLE! IT’S GONNA TAKE A LOT OF POLISH TO GET THAT DENT OUT!

        WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN KEEPING YOUR FINGER ON THE GODDAMN TRIGGER?! HEY COLONEL, SC NEEDS SERIOUS ASS-WHOOPING HERE!

      • SC says:

        See, this is why I don’t play Condemned anymore! Look what happens!

      • The Crowbar says:

        *The crowbar walks up to SC and twists his index fingers backwards 150 degrees*

        TRIGGER. GODDAMN. DISCIPLINE.

      • SC says:

        But I has that!

        Just not where Condemned is concerned.

        ALSO JESUS OW MY FINGERS.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Carts SC off to the butter-clan for treatment*

        They’ll help ya’. I hear they have an excess of leeches to get rid of.

  9. SC says:

    I’m always impressed by the capacity of fictional characters to stare at the ceiling intently for long periods of time. I can empathize though, having insomnia is a lot like that. Only, with your brain is going about 200 miles an hour trying to decide what the most efficient way to fold a napkin is. At three in the morning.

    Taco, are you implying that I’m an insomniac?

    Because I might be. This sounds a fair deal like me.

    Unless passing out from sheer exhaustion at eight or nine-ish doesn’t count.

  10. SC says:

    And what the fuck is a peace battle?!

    Chess, unless you get mad and flip the board.

    I’m not good at chess, but I’ve had opponents who suck worse that don’t realize that I’m just moving random pieces around with no real strategy, and they have gone APESHIT on me for making them look like asses.

  11. SC says:

    ***Now the movie Simba’s Pride kicks in***

  12. The Crowbar says:

    Heh. If this snark had been full of furry-hating, you probably wouldn’t see me here. At very least not for a while (mostly because I would never expect any of you to be so petty).

    • I’d like to think our little corner of the ‘net is a little more open-minded than that. Most of the older folks here lived through the bad ol’ days when being a geek or any kind of different was the equivalent of painting a bullseye on your forehead.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Huh. So I got off my childhood easier than anyone else here?

        I was just that freaky loner no-one wanted anything to do with.

        (Still am, but who needs friends when you have a computer, am’i’rite?)

        *The Crowbar giggles maniacally in a high-pitched voice for exactly 2.0 seconds*

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, Crowbar, I think we’re all friends around here, so don’t fret. In my experience, my strongest friendships have come from across several hundred miles of silicon.

      • SC says:

        And even us in the younger generation haven’t had it the easiest. (Read: my entire miserable school career and how it utterly ruined my self-esteem for the longest time. I got put down for everything from my religion to my interests to my family values to, hell, the literal way I walk and run, because the little jackasses at my old schools really were that petty.)

      • The Crowbar says:

        Huh. I’ve found it weird though… I’ve always been told that “chat-room relationships” (or something similar) aren’t real friendships and such.

        …What a bunch of bullshit.

        The interwebz is the only place I feel safe discussing even the most trivial of stuff.

        And school? Well, I most certainly know I fucking hate physical education. The thing itself isn’t bad, but we’re forced to play fucking football and such. For the record, I suck at any and ALL sports games, so I get to take the blame and the anger whenever someone screws up.

        I also honest-to-god real panic attacks when I’m on a stage in front of people.

      • I’ve heard that as well, and it has never made any sense to me. I’m a real person and you’re a real person, so why would the fact that we live in different places have any bearing on our friendship? Pretty much the only ones who’d listen to me ramble on about the existential horrors inherent in zombies “in real life” would be my cats.

      • Delta XIII says:

        D’awwww, there’s so much love here!
        GROUP HUG!

      • SC says:

        Sports Shades: Yo.

        I’d say it was nice knowing you, but I’d be lying.

      • :shwish-THUNK!:

        Here, you can have this back. :hands Sports Shades his hand:

        I know a good doctor who could probably re-attach that for you. Well, he’s not good, but he’s close.

      • SC says:

        Sports Shades: It’s all good. I’ll just stitch this back on…

        That seems unsanitary.

        Sports Shades: Don’t care.

      • Delta XIII says:

        Sooo…not that I mind, but who exactly is hugging me from behind with their hand down my pants right now?

      • The Crowbar says:

        *joins the group hug*

        I love you guys too!

        *Steals a cupcake out of Ghostie’s pocket*

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Narrows his eyes, and moves his face as close to Ghostie’s face as possible. Starts slowly devouring the cupcake while staring Ghostie straight in the eyes*

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Clutches his eyes with one hand, starts snarling and whacking Ghostie’s hands relentlessly*

      • SC says:

        Okay, but seriously dude, how did your hand pop off again?

        Sports Shades: I pulled a sleight of hand.

        *Book Specs gets up and furiously whacks Sports Shades with the book he was reading*

        Sports Shades: And Booky really doesn’t appreciate my puns.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It’s also not spelled correctly, which is always a good sign.

    *puts on helmet*

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Corp. X hopes to find out any way to breed half human/lion mix’s to substitute for loss of manpower in wars and peace battles.

    Wait, why the fuck would you need lion/human hybrids to battle over Leo Tolstoy? I thought that we already had enough people trying to figure out that novel!

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Oh good, ,we’re gonna get scene tags.

    At least they’re not POV tags?

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Zazu’s attention was distracted as Rafiky presented Kiara to the animals.

    *brain screeches to a halt*

    Wait a minute!

    *BAM*

    Dammit Taco, how did you miss that this guy misspelled Rafiki’s name!?

  17. leobracer says:

    You want to know of a fanfic that did a far better job at justifying human transformation?

    Project Sunflower.

    http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5170/project-sunflower

    In that fic, the reason why they needed to transform someone was because they needed information, and they weren’t entirely sure if the ponies were friendly or not.

    Granted, there are times where it is questioned over whether or not it was necessary, but the fact remains is that the reasons in that fic sound more believable than the reasons in this shitfest.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Hell, Avatar did a better job justifying their transformation thingy.

      • flarpo11 says:

        Avatar, I’m assuming James Cameron’s avatar, not the last airbender, did have a totally justified human to bug-blue-cat-person transfer. His choices were a) be a crippled human in an environment where literally everything can kill him and he can’t even breathe the air without a gas mask, or b) be a big cat person with an awesome bird mount thing and a ladyfriend. From a survival standpoint it’s just practical to be able to breathe, and walk, and you know, not die cause you ran out of air filters for your mask or cause you couldn’t run away from one of the many, MANY dangerous creatures of the jungle.

        • TacoMagic says:

          But that was for the dude. I found the reasons provided by the movie for the avatar program as a whole rather shaky, especially given how quickly they abandon it for the “blow the fuck out of everything” plan. Pretty strange that they would junk the program given that it supposedly cost more than the military deployment to create that program in the first place. The program was so costly that they flew a crippled soldier several years out into deep space rather than lose the hybrid… even though they already had a compound full of them.

          Even stranger that nobody considered tunneling to the resources from the side.

          Pretty flimsy reasoning all around.

        • flarpo11 says:

          You make a good point. If they had the military might to take it by force at far less expense, why would they even bother with the avatar program?

        • TacoMagic says:

          And, if peace had been so important that they would spend so much on the Avatar program, why not try to find another way to get at the materials?

          Or just search further afield for other nodes? The whole setup was that the planet had caches of this stuff everywhere, so if peace was important enough for the Avatar program, odds are they would have waited for all other caches to get exhausted before resorting to anything approaching force.

          Just doesn’t follow.

        • flarpo11 says:

          Yeah… I love that movie, but it has a flimsy premise…

        • TacoMagic says:

          It wasn’t bad, mostly eye candy and nubile aliens, but good as a popcorn flick you don’t have to invest much brainpower in watching. Like a lot of those kinds of movies, the plot only really needed to be as thick as was necessary to get mostly naked aliens and explosions on the screen.

          But, for as much as it cost, you would have thought somebody would have taken Cameron aside and told him that “Unobtainium” is a tongue-in-cheek metallurgy colloquialism for all cost-prohibitive materials and not an actual thing by itself. It was only ever meant to be used snarkily whenever an engineer chose something stupid as a building material.

        • flarpo11 says:

          The more you know *old tv sound effect*

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I suppose I should just be thankful we didn’t get a long-winded plot regurgitation.

    Yeah really. After stuff like Parallel Realities and Twin Humanities, we like to avoid plot regurgitation here…

    • The Crowbar says:

      …Just wait for my snark to re-appear then… The next chapter is half-regurgitation…

      I don’t see how the fuck you survived PR… I was nearly getting handed heart-attacks of boredom after I was done with it.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, the thing about PR was that, for all the plot regurgitation going on, I at least had a lot to talk about. You know, with stuff like “the hero is a hypocrite” and “none of your actions make sense” and “this armor is stupid and impractical” and “oh my god the wish fulfillment is through the roof”. So while it did regurgitate a lot of plot, there was more stuff to talk about there too.

        Same goes for Ert with Twin Humanities, actually. There we have an OP Sue from a very tonally removed canon, all those stupid narrative asides that don’t go anywhere, a badly written romance, and a bitchy author. So yeah.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I recently played Dark Souls 2 (right after that snark ended) and I don’t see just how the fuck anyone could possibly think about romance in such an environment. It’s almost literally nothing but misery and death.

      • SC says:

        And in ToV: BAR, I provided a much better instance of plot regurgitation that also had shades of infodump in it for people who are unfamiliar with the intricacies of the plot, and it was helpful in helping to set up why Tai’s ultimate mission to restart the blastia is fucking bullshit.

        So, in some cases at least, plot regurgitation isn’t always a sin.

      • erttheking says:

        There is more than misery and death! There’s…um…uh…inflicting misery and death on other people which gives you a small fleeting feeling of joy…that counts right?

    • leobracer says:

      Which is worse?

      Author Tract or Wish Fulfillment?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        They’re both pretty bad in different ways, so I’m not going to quantify that comparison with a response since, in my eyes, they’re both equally bad.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Author tract? Wat’s that?

      • leobracer says:

        Hmm, now that I think about it, you’re right. They’re both equally bad for different reasons.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Crowbar: Author Tract is what you get when a fic basically exists to espouse the author’s views. Read: everything (and I mean everything) ever written by Ayn Rand.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oooh… Yuck!

        Is that why Francis hates Ayn Rand…?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        To give you perspective on that: Ayn Rand famously wrote a speech in her longest novel that goes on and on for 70 pages! Said speech was all about her views on politics and economics.

        As for why Francis doesn’t like her… Well, Ayn Rand’s politics can be… polarizing, to say the least.

      • The Crowbar says:

        A 70-page speech?! JESUS CHRIST!

        What…

        • TacoMagic says:

          Yeah. Ayn really didn’t understand the whole “writing a story” thing.

          And, honestly, her book wasn’t all that, even as a political manifesto. No idea why it did so well. Even as a basis of objectivism, it was woefully incomplete and just as unreasonably idealistic as Marxist Communism. Her big failing point was crutching on laissez-faire capitalism, which only works in a universe where everyone has enough time and interest to band together and keep extremely close tabs on corporations. In the real world, people are far too lazy and preoccupied with their own survival to keep corporations in check, so it has to be rejected as a workable idea in reality.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I have heard that her essays are much better reads. But yeah, her fiction isn’t really that great.

        And that’s before we get into Howard Roarke engaging in an act of what is arguably domestic terrorism for what amounts to “you changed my artistic vision”. I mean, I’m pretty stringent about creative vision myself what with being a musician and all, but god damn, dude!

      • Silky says:

        I would have to say that author tract is worse than wish fulfillment. But worse than either of those is an author wish fulfillment tract.

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Those who guessed Awesome McEvil… you are also right as he just saved an unabashedly evil lioness.

    Well, there go my hopes of this being a retelling of Sleeping Beauty. You know, ’cause even if the idea was stupid it would’ve been hilarious to see this:

    in a canon with this:

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Well, at least this fic isn’t going to be a shallow masturbatory fantasy or anything.

    Taco don’t speak too soon on that front. That’s what I said about Homura Afterstory originally, and I was proven wrong within three paragraphs!

  21. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Meh, sounds kinda like what you’d expect out of a US/Canadian joint venture, actually.

  22. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Just so we’re all on the same page: The primary romance of this fic was one exchange of dialogue and then boom, mated. You can feel the lazy just oozing off this thing.

    I mean, seriously, we didn’t even get an awesome musical number out of it!

  23. leobracer says:

    You know, when you think about if, most of Disney’s movies are actually quite dark.

    Hell, even the Recess movie and the Proud Family movie had their moments.

    • TacoMagic says:

      You ever notice how the villains in Disney movies are generally more articulate than everyone else? Think of Scar. He’s essentially an English professor turned bad. Think of Ursula. Again, big words, lots of contempt for the idiocy around her. Maleficent, again intelligent person pissed off by an airy princess being bequeathed the throne. Cruella, just trying to keep the dog population under control while being fabulous, but then she picks idiot minions who are outsmarted by dogs.

      Honestly, I have a feeling that the more universal message of Disney films is that intelligent people reach a breaking point when surrounded by too much stupid.

  24. I’m going to miss this place while at basic.

  25. leobracer says:

    I think its at this point is when I bring out the Pan-Galactic Newspapers.

    *Pulls one out.*

    ‘Jedi Council petitions the Citadel Council to build a Jedi Temple on the Citadel.’

    ‘Edco CEO, Eddy McGee, purchases Hyperion’s remaining stock, following Handsome Jack’s death on Pandora.’

    ‘Videos of the pirate raid on Equestria goes viral on the Extranet. Many describe the videos as being: “Like somehting out of a horror vid”.’

    Boy do these things get random.

  26. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Ethernet transition? Electronically stored? Seriously, when the hell was this thing written?

    Well, whenever it was, must be a time when “Ethernet” still sounds like technobabble to most people.

    • SC says:

      And it was used in a Star Wars fic, no less.

      I mean, Christ, surely the canon is detailed enough to cover for the necessary technobabble, right?

  27. flarpo11 says:

    Isn’t the first chapter of A Series of Unfortunate Events titled “the beginning”?

  28. flarpo11 says:

    Organization theta? Now I am imagining skynet if it were run by theta from red vs blue. There is no apocalypse, just lots of fireworks and not understanding adult humour.

  29. flarpo11 says:

    Sword-chucks sounds like the name of a ninja band. The music kind, not the sneaky kind. Though I suppose they could be musical and sneaky…

    • Silky says:

      It’s from a webcomic called 8-Bit Theater that was based on Final Fantasy I. In it, Fighter was obsessed with swords, and also really, really stupid, so he invented sword-chucks, which are pretty much what they sound (except insofar as they are not a ninja band, and are actually two swords held together by a chain).

  30. flarpo11 says:

    Wouldn’t the new king be the successor, not the predecessor?

  31. flarpo11 says:

    The…conversion…site…. Oh god he’s a chimera! Run! Unless of course you haven’t played the resistance games. Then you don’t have a mental image popping up like a freakin ‘nam flashback.

  32. Silky says:

    Okay. So we have a secret meeting between Canadian and American official types, including the US president and the ENTIRE LEGISLATURE, meeting in the White House, where the president lives, but the legislature never meets. Given this author’s knowledge of the American political process, I’m thinking he probably set this scene in the Oval Office, which could never, ever, EVER fit all 535 members of Congress, plus their staff members, aides, and interns. Not even if you used a blender.
    The only way all of those people could meet together in or around the White House might be on the lawn, but then it’s not exactly secret, between the tourists and all the traffic on Pennsylvania Avenue. Plus, good luck getting every single member of congress show up at the same time, for any reason, ever- especially for a reason that the president himself called, and I quote, “stupid,” and, “an idiotic topic.”

  33. erttheking says:

    “And what the fuck is a peace battle!? Is that where you sit around with your opponent trying to be the first to reach the enlightenment of pure pacifism?”

    CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *Sits down with miniature Buddha statue* ZEN ZEN ZEN ZEN ZEN ZEN!


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