734: Twilight Tale of Bellafly – Oneshot

Title: Twilight Tale of Bellafly
Author:
MidnightMoonStone
Media: TV / Literature
Topic: MLP / Twilight
Genre: Romance / Supernatural
URL:  Twilight Tale of Bellafly
Critiqued by TacoMagic

This week I have a real treat for you guys: a hilariously bad MLP/Twilight crossover.  It’s so hilariously bad that I’d bet even odds on it being a joke fic.  It’s so bad that even the Fanfiction.net denizens think that the fic is probably a joke.  And when FF.net folks think something is suspiciously bad, you know something is probably up.

So why a joke-fic an not a troll-fic?  Well, primarily because the fic doesn’t really troll.  Troll-fics typically become pretty abusive in some way or another in order to cause outrage in the reader.  Typically to pretty good success.  However, Twilight Tale of Bellafly never approaches anything even remotely abusive, so it’s unlikely the person was trolling.  Seeing as it’s the only fic the person made, it’s short, and the profile itself has only the one story associated with it, I’m inclined to believe it’s a joke.  But, it’s also possible that it’s genuine as there is no concrete indication that it’s a joke fic.

Regardless, I’m still going to riff it because even if it is a joke, maybe we can have some more laughs with it anyway.

I call this a one-shot, but that’s not entirely true.  It’s actually divided into 7 chapters, but they’re all under 200 words so I won’t bother splitting it up.

Onwards to chapter 1!

Bellafly steped onto the car.

Fic starts out with car-surfing.  Always a good sign.

She had not ever been two a new town, but her dad made them move to knowhere for his work.

If you’re wondering why I think this might just be a joke-fic… don’t know, maybe because it reads exactly like Assault of the Innocent of Damnation.

She looked around and it wus raining all over the ground, drenching her in sorrows.

Well, the was pretty fast.  Never seen an Emo Sue get established quite that quickly.  Probably because she’s based on an existing Emo Sue.

Bellafly was a silverish white pony with brownish tan hair who had a radient sun cutie mark on her butt.

That’s probably as close to clothing porn as we’re going to get with naked ponies.  Though I suppose she could have had one hell of an elaborate hat.

Because of her cutie mark, nun of the boys liked her because she shined brighter then anyone and town was dark and mean.

“Nun of they boys” sounds like a really kinky rolplay porn.

It’s really shitty when you move your phosphorescent ass to generic dark town and everyone is all mean and stuff.   Then again, if your butt is shining at actual sun-level brightness, maybe everyone is getting grumpy because of the retinal damage.

She had no friends because they were at her old town were she was not living anyomore because she had moved.

Isn’t that what moving entai-

*Siren blares*

Right.  ELIZA!  Arm the darkwraiths with the refurbished Twinkie cannons and get them in there!

*SHOOMP-BLAT*

Or I suppose the Twinkie artillery cannon will work.

Her new house totally sucked because their were no internet connection

So what, you have to wait a few days for your house to get hooked-up or something?  Cry me a river, princess.  In my day internet was a magazine called Nintendo Power.  Had to wait until I was 16 before dialup was even a thing in our area.

*Shakes Cane*

and the tb was badish

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen tuberculosis described as “Badish.”  Chronic wasting disease with a high fatality rate that causes your lungs to die one small section at a time?  Yeah, I suppose that’s bad-ish.

I don’t know what her father is thinking moving them into a house with active TB in it, but some people like to live on the edge, I guess.

and had only wether chanel which sucked because she did not care abot the wither except when it was sunny like her cutie mark witch was a sun cutie mark that was as golden as the sun.

*Alarm Blares*

Hold on *pant* guys, *pant*  I’ll be right *pant* with you *pant* once my brain *pant* catches it’s breath. *wheeze*

Meanwhile, you can all play with Eliza and her new Tesla Cannon.

*Lightning bolts and screams*

her room was tinyer then a cardburd box and she could barly get her wings in past the door because it was to small.

Smaller than a cardboard box?  Yeah, I suppose I could see how that could be a little unpleasant

shutterstock_103997795__1375446850_74.134.205.46

Forgiving the fact that her unit of measure is fubar, what is going on here?  Is her father making her live in one of the kitchen cabinets or something? I suppose that’s pretty good for space economy.

After movin in in a week, she was siting at her kitchaen eating horse feed foosd when suddently a bat came thru the wall.

GAH!  Shit!  Ethereal bats! Everyone panic!

*Darkwraiths run around screeching in terror*

Somebody tell Eliza we have a code 117D!

It was a magically spakling bat that sparkled in the sun when the sun hit it.

*Siren Explodes*

Tell Crunchy that we need his lightsaber in the hallway, pronto!  We’re not even out of chapter 1 and the alarm has already blown up.

 Bellafly yelled “AAAAAAAAAAA” and she hit it with a broom out the window.

*Whew* Thanks, Befly, last thing we need is one of those sparkly, ghost-bats flying around in the lobby.

 “that was scry! She thought.”

Great, now she’s narrating her life.  It was bad enough when it was in first person, but now we’ve gotta read about her narrating her own narration.

“I hope i never comes back!”

I’m pretty sure that by the end of this fic, everyone is going to hope that you never come back.

That night she had dreams about a super hawt pony who had beautiful red eyes and could turn into a bat.

Last night I dreamt that I was being chased by a giant house-cat and was desperately searching for a jug of applesauce to chase it away with.  Dreams are pretty pointless, Beef.

 She couldn’t understand what it ment.

Probably means you should skip the greasy hay-pizza right before bed.

 Her dad worked her up and said “bellfly its time for school”. She said “oh no! I don’t want to go to school!”

And that’s the end of chapter one.  I guess a teen not wanting to go to school is some kind of surprising cliffhanger or something?  Anyway, onto chapter two that picks up-

The next day Bellafly wto school.

Whoa now, wait a damn minute.  Her father woke her up a full day in advance telling her that she needed to get up and go?  Damn, I thought it was hard getting me out of bed in the morning, but you gotta give Beefy 24 hours notice that it’s time to get up!

I’m also unsure of how one would wto school.  I’m not even sure you can use the world trade organization as a verb.

 Today, she was sad today becus life was sad so her sun cutie mark was blocked by a cloud of sun cutie marks.

*The sounds of battle coming from the hallway intensify.  More Darkwraiths steam through the control room to join in*

A cloud of sun marks?  So… she’s got a nebula on her ass now?

On the card ride their, she saw how cloudy it was ans then she looked at the trees and forests.

Man, even their car is made out of a cardboard box.  What the hell is up with her father?

Also, she’s a pegasus.  Why doesn’t she just fly to school?  Gotta be better than taking a ride in her dad’s boxmobile.

Further, what exactly is differentiating the trees from the forests in this case?

Last, why am I analyzing this thing so much?

In the bush she saw evil glowing red evil eyes watchingher in the car going to school.

*The sounds of fighting in the hallway becomes more frantic*

Tell the ninjas to wrangle Gumdrop!  I have a feeling we’re going to need him before the end of this thing.

“Dad! There is somebody out their” she said. “don’t be sully bellafly, there is no body their.”

*Twitch Twitch*

This fic is suddenly seeming like a lot worse of an idea.

Bellafly’s dad was a boring pony with a grey color coat and a brownish mane.

And a fetish for building crap out of cardboard.  Don’t forget that.

His cuite mark was rench because hew worked at a car shop where they fix cars.

As opposed to one of those car shops that makes cake.

He never understood bellafly so because he couldn’t see her for who she is.

A whiny little brat with entitlement issues?

He moved to Greyhorsetown for an ew job at a car shop so bellafly had to leave her friends at her old town.

Yeah, it really sucks when your father gets a new-job somewhere else in order to provide for the both of you.  I can see how that would be very insensitive of him.

At school pompom sparkle picked on bellafly because she was not like the other cheerleadera who were all alicorns and beautiful.

The fuck?  Did I just accidentally skip a whole chapter of this thing?

*Looks back at the fic*

Nope, it literally slingshots us from Beefer feeling sorry for herself to the middle of a school day where she’s getting picked on by Poms there.  Fine, I’ll just roll with it.

Bellafly went to the library where they didn’t bother her or the i=other nerds.

Well, so much for Poms, let’s head to the library and consider the existential dilemma of ‘i=other.’

“I hate it here” she said.

Then why the hell did you go to the library!?  You had to know it’d be filled with all that icky knowledge.

” I hope something happens” “I want to go home” he said. She cried in her room all night.

What!?  Is she living in the library now?   Man, their school librarian must really be falling down on the job if she’s letting the students shack up in there.

In the lunchroom, pompom sparkle thru a can of turnips at her mane face.

You know what, I think Beefheart has come unstuck in time!  Not sure why she’s got a face in her mane, but slipping through time explains the  rest of it.

Strange that this fic would tribute Slaughterhouse 5, though.

“HAHAHA” said pompom Trixie, You’re ugly!

Man, Trixie You’re ugly had the worst luck for surnames.  Maybe that’s why she’s such a jerk.

 Bellafly looked down at her lunch tray\.

Ponder the tray.  Find the deeper meaning that is in its sectioned beauty and you will find your oneness.

Everyone was jerk but ther new friend Trixie.

Dude, you might want to find a better friend.  Seems like Trixie has no problems laughing at you when you’re down.

 “look over there!” said chloe!

GAH!  Where did Chloe! come from!?  Damn ninja ponies and their excited names.

in the corner their were a bunch of beatufiul unicrons.

The fuck is Unicron doing here?

Sup, Unicron.  You so pretty today.

Sup, Unicron. You so pretty today.

They all sparlkeld beautifully like a summert rain.

Ah yes, nonsensically described sparkling.  This would be the Cullens… in robot form.

“who is that?”asked bellafly.

There are several of them.  If you’re looking at just one, you may want to indicate which one you’re inquiring after.

“that’s shiningEdward and his friends!” said Trixie.

I just threw-up in my mouth.  shiningEdward?  Seriously?

 “everyone wants them” says Trixie.

Everyone.  Men, women, children, old people, dead people, everyone.

Bellafly looked over and saw shining Edward starring at her with a long deep look and she blushed.

Starring at her?  So like, shooting her with the star cannon?

He was the prettiesit pony she had ever seen.

*Urf*  Man, what is it about these twilight fics and needing to beat us over the head with how attractive Bella finds these corpse-people… er ponies.

“he gorgeus” said bellafly

Beef!  You not verb!

 she knew knew they had to be together.

You know, this one is actually setting up for Bella being the stalker and not Edward.  That would be different.

Anyway, onward to chapter 3!

In science class bellafly saw him starring at her.

Dude, put the star cannon away!  If you want to talk to her do what you normally do!  Brood mysteriously until the girl is wowed by your corpsy wiles.

 It wus shinning Edward. He was so hot in his desk.

See, that’s why you don’t wear desks out of season.  Those things are amazingly insulated.

She starred back at him, not wanting to loose to him she would look back at him also.

Guys, non-specific science class is totally not the appropriate time to get some Star Cannon duels going.  Save the PVP for after class, morons.

 She was dissecting a frog using polarity factors when he came over to her.

How the fuck is she cutting up a frog using a camera rating for polarization?

“I’m yur science partner” he said.

Which doesn’t come off as creepy at all.  Nope, nothing inherently creepy about crossing the room and declaring the two of you partners.  No, sir.

Bellafly couldn’t believe it. He wus even more perfect up close.

*Urf*  Oh man, I’m gonna have to break out the literary sickness bags if this keeps up.

He had a beautiful dark blue copper sparkling mane that spakled in the sun.

So, new color for you PPC folks: Dabl0pper.

His teeths were as bright as white as white fang and he a single fange coming out of his mouths.

I don’t think I could keep myself from staring at somebody who had a whole fange coming out of his mouth.

What the hell is a fange anyway!?

He had a golden half moon cutie mark that had a single drop of blood coming off it ni drops. His eyes were green red and bluish with brown. He was gorgeous.

Again, I’m calling this as the pony equivalent of costume porn.  A little different, but the point behind it is the same: special character look special.

” Sit down” said Bellafly.

*Voidlord appears in the corner of the room, deposited with a flash of the SDQF*

YES!  I FEED ON TH-

DAWW!  He’s so cute!  Come and let me hug you!

RUN AWAY!

*Voidlord flees from the room*

So, if all of you want to know how to do dialogue the wrongest way possible, here you go:

Shining Edward sat down next to her and starred longingly at her and she also did that. “who are you?” Bellafly said. “you will know soon” said shining Edward and he left the classroom., “who was that?” said chloe. “I don’t know!” said Bellafly.

Ok, well, it actually could be wronger.  Combine that with lack of attribution.

And that was chapter 3.  Riveting, eh?

ONWARDS!

After brushing her teeths Bellafly went to bed. Outside her window their was a swarm of bats and a wolf howling at the moon.

Friends don’t let friends move their family to generic Transylvanian haunted house.

She heard a noise in the corner opf her room “whos there?” she said “its me ” said a voice.

Ah yes, the obligatory breaking and entering scene.  Well, I suppose it was inevitable.  Let’s just get it over with.

“oh hi shiningEdward I didn’t see you there” said bellafly.

Uh, of course you didn’t, because you probably didn’t expect him to break into your cardboard box… or your stack if you’re still sleeping at the library.

“I like to watch you sleep” he said.

Protip:  If you have somebody who you can’t stand, but they keep dragging you into conversations, just tell them that you like to watch them sleep.  You won’t have to worry about them talking to you anymore.

Though you may have issues explaining things to the authorities.

“That’s so nice” she said.

In the very, very unlikely chance that you receive that response, you can feel free to run far away.  Far, far away.

“ill see you at school tomorrow at school ok?” said shining Edward. “ok” she said.

Really?  That’s it?  You break in to say, “Hey, I like to watch you sleep, so see you tomorrow, K?”  Haven’t you ever heard of texting?  Carrier pigeons?  The phone?  Maybe just say that to her before you leave the school?  Something?

Shining Edward then jumped out the window and ran into the woods and bell followed him.

Yes!  Flee your cardboard box and/or library and run free in the forest!

She couldn’t see in the dark at night and she kept tripping over roots in the dark.

*Sigh* Ok, let me rephrase:

Yes!  Flee your cardboard box and/or library and trip ineptly through the forest as a way to express your only character flaw that will never appear again!

Oh, remember when I said this:

Ok, well, it actually could be wronger.  Combine that with a complete lack of attribution.

Well…

“why are you here bellafly” I wanted to see you” “ok” “I need to show you something” “ok”.

*Pokes chest*

Yup, it’s official, I’m completely dead inside now.

Shining Edward grabbed bellafly and put her on his back and flew through the woods like a pegasus up on to the mountain in a flowery field.

What. The. Fuck?

First, Beefy is on Edward’s back.  I have no idea how that even works with them both being ponies.  I’m going to just ignore the possibility that it could be a similar posistion to… moving on.

Second, Beeftaco IS a pegasus, so the whole flying thing shouln’t be that big a deal.

Third, Ed is a unicorn, and Beefsteak is a pegasus.  If anything this should be a nice place to feature a roll reversal… provided that Beefs could lift that much weight.  Or, you know, they could walk instead of flying.

Fourth, that is easily the worst simile I’ve ever read.  It’s so bad that I can’t even think of a way to make fun of it.

Edward then took off his shirt and walked into the sunlight and started to shine like a spakling stream.

You mean peeled off his fur, right?  Cause, you know, ponies… nude and stuff.

Wait, when the hell did it become day!?  It was just the middle of the night!

*Pokes the time squiggle*

I’m watching you, mister.

“youre glowing sparkles” said bellafly.

Sparkles is about as close as you can get to calling Edward “Sparky” so I’ll go with it.

“this is the real me!” said shining Edward undert the moon he held bellafly close.

Um, so the real him is the same dude, but sparkling and without skin.  That’s… creepy as all shit, actually.

“I love you bellafly” “I love you to shining Edward!”.

Thrill as robotic love proclamations meander across the page!

From the bushes a pair of evil red eyes watched them holding each other and the the evil person’s eyes squinted evily and then disappeared.

That’s it, get Gumdrop in there, the line is never going to hold with this kind of thing happening!

*Gumdrop charges into the fray, sending DRD agents, Darkwraiths, and ninjas flying.*

We really need to explain the concept of friendly fire to him.

And that was chapter 4.  Amazingly, it looks like they’re getting shorter.

Bellafly and Edward walked into the fancy Italian restaurant.

Dude! Put your skin back on before going to dinner in the random Italian joint in the forest!  Show a little class, man!

Shiningedward was super old so he had tons of moneies and could get fancy dinners for them.

Uh….huh.  Why is “Super Old” listed as an asset.  With that in there, essentially you just described Hue Hefner.

And why do I think that “fancy dinners” might mean “Olive Garden” in this situation?

“I want the cheeseburger” said bellafly said to the qaiter guy.

Way to bring the class.  I guess that’s why they call you Beefy.

Wait, isn’t she supposed to be a pony?  Ordering a cheeseburger…

Shit.  We got some carnivorous pony thing going on here!

Hmm.  *Googles*

born_to_run_by_kenbarthelmey-d5lovdv

Oh HELL no.

I want a taco” said shining Edward.

The chef is gonna love you two.

“shining Edward I thought you couldn’t eat people food”

That actually goes for both of you… or did the author forget that ponies aren’t into the meat.  Though I suppose Sparky’s taco could be vegetarian.  “Taco” is a pretty generic food choice, even at an Italian restaurant.

Tacos with mystical properties notwithstanding.

I can tonight” said shining Edward. That’s good said bellafly.

*Facepalm*

I just… moving on.

“why did you come here?” said bellafly.

To eat?  It’s a restaurant, after all.  That’s kinda what they’re for.

“I needed to tell you something.” “what?!” said bellafly.

The scene is twice as good if you pretend that Beefs is the only one there and that she’s talking to herself while hallucinating Sparky.

Actually, most of the fics in the Library read a lot better if you imagine that it’s the main character hallucinating.

 “I m a vampire!” said shining Edward.

Aaand… what, exactly?  If she already knew you couldn’t eat people food, doesn’t that mean she already knew that? Why did you need to tell her that?

“OH MY GOD!” said she. “How long have you been like this?” said belafly.

Did we just slip back in time?  Is this one of those missing chapters showing up?  Maybe we’re having a flashback and the author forgot to flash us?

Something?  Anything?

 “500 years ago” said Edward. “I was born during the roman empire and my father was a great general named ceaser Julius the leader of the greeks.”

*SNERK*

BAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Now you all see why this has to be a joke fic, right?  There is no possible way that you could get that much wrong all in one sentence without specifically trying to, right?  I mean that’s just so insanely stupid that it has to be on purpose!

Right!?

Please?

Bellafly couldn’t believe it, she hadn’t known how old he was but she still loved him for who he is because she loved him.

*That sounds of battle intensify.  An explosion rocks the bunker and Crunchy flies through the snark command center, somewhat singed and still smoking*

“Oh, you think a few Goliath warmechs will be enough to stop me!?  Maybe you would like to see what force control does to something with a computer system!”

*Crunchy charges back into the fray*

Man, I’d hate to see what he would do if he wasn’t in this good of a mood.

” ill never leave you ever bellerfly” said shining Edward. “ill love you to!” she said.

Go, go robot romance!

They left the Mexican restaurant and walked down the street to her car.

*Taco’s brain screeches to a halt*

Mexican restaurant?  What the- When the-

You know, I was just joking when I said that Beefs had become unstuck in time.  You didn’t have to take that as a suggestion, author.  Honestly, not only do I have no idea where these two are at any given moment, but I can’t be sure I know when they are either.

It’s like somebody took a story, shuffled the chapters, and dealt them onto the internet.

Sudently, the bad guys jumped out of the alleys and they jumped out of alleys and they had firepowers.

*Another explosion rocks the bunker*

What is going on out there!?

*Taco looks into the hallway*

OK, who the hell gave Eliza a Fatman!?

Anyway, that’s the end of chapter 5.  And the next chapter is a single paragraph.  Woo.

The evil shadow guys jumped out from behind the alley and Bella gly could see that they was evil fire werewiolves.

Well, if you’re gonna have nonsense bad guys anyway, may as well go the whole ten yards and do evil fire werewiolves.   Kinda awesome in an over-the-top way, actually.

“bellafly look out!” said Bellafly as he pushed her out of the way.

You know, most of the times I comment on people talking in the third person it’s just missing quotation marks.  I think this is the first real instance of a character referencing themselves in the third person… and then saving themselves… that whole hallucinating thing is looking more and more likely.

That was close he said. More and more fire werewolves were coming out of the busy crowd walking by and they turned from normal earth ponies to eveil demon wolf ponies with wings.

This is just so overblown and crazy that it’s kinda neat.  If only it wasn’t an obvious setup for Sparky to look awesome.

They flew formentingly making large mean flapping noises as they flew shooting out fore lasrs beams at Edward.

*Eliza comes hurtling through the door, her tail partly on fire.  She extinguishes her tail with a quick flick as she stands up.*

“You wanna play rough?   Fine, I needed an excuse to use my new toy!”

*Eliza pulls a holorifle out of the SDQF and charges back into the fray*

Man, this is the biggest assault the DRD have launched since untold zombie chronicels.

What the hell does formentingly even mean?  Maybe the author meant fermentingly?  Like, they fly around using the power of beer, right?

I got nothing.

“who are these guys?” yelled Bellafly as she ducked away from a firewereponywolf.

Hastily constructed villains.  Also, probably mooks.

 “their the enemies of all vampire ponies! The crimson fangs!” he cried.

Crimson Fangs? You mean the short-lived Japanese pop-rock group formed for the production of the Karman Rider Kiva movie?  Damn, that’s a pretty obscure reference.  And why are they attacking you in the alley/street/parking lot?

“They attack vampire ponies since our kinds have been fighting for ages and ages!”

Well, the Crimson Fangs were formed in 2008, so the feud can’t really be that old.  I think somebody has a problem with exaggeration.

“how do you beat them? Bellafly asked?

Battle of the bands, baby.  Gotta rock it harder, longer, and harder!

*Looks over at Herr* Feel free to chime in on that one.

“If we want to beat them Ill have to go full vampire and use the power of the moon! He said”

When did vampires get that power?  And why are you talking in third person!?  Is it spreading?

“but Edward if you use that power you could die!” cried bellafly.

Ba-da-wha?  Where the hell did that come from?

“If it’s what I have to do to protect you it’s totally worth it” said Edward.

Word, brah.

Bellafly watched in fright as Edward’s fur turned white with the moon powers swirled around him. “no Edward noooooooo” cried Bellafly.

And then he turns into Sailor Vampire.

That’s probably not what happens, but we’ve got one chapter left, so let’s find out!

Bellafly tried to run at Shinging Edward but it was to late: the ultimate moon powers had taken him and he was hypnotized by the powerof the moon and didn’t hear her yelling at him.

*The fighting intensifies outside*

I don’t know, maybe it’s time for Specs and Co to be called in?

Shades: Go fornicate with yourself, Taco.

Maybe not.  Goeth?

G: Only interested in the corpses after the fact.

Oh.  Okay then.  I guess the dinosaurs have got it covered then.  Probably.

“no edawrd! Don’t let the evil moon powers overtake you you could die!” she said.

Still a step up from: “You! Invaderes! Get you the hot bullets of shotgun to die!”

But it was to late.

Yay!  He’s gonna go evil super sayan and die!  Woo!

*Waves a Big Mama T foam finger*

Sorry, it’s left over from the last riff.  Best I could get on short notice.

His fur was moon white and his fangs had grew larger, their was blood lust in his eye.

I think you mean fange, and he only has one of those coming out of his mouth.  Whatever it is.

He started to attack the werewolf ponies and wripped their wings off. The werewolf ponies tried to run because their fire powers were being beaten by the power of shining Edwards vampire moon ice.

Hey look, poorly paced action.  Didn’t think the fic was long enough to have any of that.  Then again, don’t know what other kind of action it could have with only 1,100 words.

“Stop it edaward youllhurt them! Cried bellafly as she pushed through the croewd of earthponies.

That third-person is really getting out of hand now.    Obviously it’s spreading.  Going to have to enact some containment!

Darkwraiths, get the quarantine barrier up!

Darkwraiths?  Damn DRD, I guess they’re all pretty busy.  I’m sure it’ll be fine.

She didn’t want him to become a monster!

About 500 years a little too late for that one, Beefs.

 Edward was punching the headwerewolf pony in the face over and overt and over again and their was blood everywhere because the power of the moon waS TO strong and it was overtaking him with madness.

It’s amazing that I could be this totally bored with a fight scene in a fic this short.  That’s gotta be some kind of record for worst pacing.

Bella new what she had to do.

Better than olding what you need to do, I guess.

Running through the crown she pushed the dead werewolf ponies aside and hugged shining Edward.

What, in the middle of battle?  That’s a good way to get a dude killed there, Beefy.  And since it’s Edward, I whole-heartedly approve!

As she hugged hi9m, his hair turned brown again and his fangs got smallerized.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Smallerized is now my favorite word for shrunk.  It displaces debigulated.

“bellafly oyuui saved me! Said Edward holdingher in his arms.

That’s an interesting way to interpret the situation.

“I would do anything for you Edward said bellafly back to shining Edward.

Oh god, it’s getting worse!  Next thing you know, Taco will be-

GAH!

*Taco dunks his head in the handy vat of brain bleach*

They hugged and were in love.

Honestly, that’s as long as the Twilight series should have been right there.

Whew, almost done!  Only one more paragraph!

Authosr note:

Or, I guess that was the end?  What’s going on here author?

omg guys sorry I haven’t been posting

Author, you never have to apologize for that.  Frankly, it’s a privilege to see you not post.

I lost all of my drafts for the story because my mom accedentaly thru them out so I had to write the all over again!

See, this is how you know it’s all a joke.  There’s no way this thing ever had a draft.

It sucked

Yes, yes it did.  Hardcore.

and I was realy mad at her but im okay now and im posting more stuff now that its summer LOL

And that is the last thing this author ever posted.  A fine irony.

Well, that was it.  A crappy, but harmless little fic that was, hopefully, just a big joke.  I’m not the only one who thought that way.  There are six reviews, and they are all pretty similar.  Here’s one of them:

I am dying from laughter! Please, write more of it! I want to laugh more!

HiddenUnderACouch

Anyway, that’s it for this oneshot, join me next week as I plow into another big project.  And this time, it’s a doozy.  Until next week, patrons!

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108 Comments on “734: Twilight Tale of Bellafly – Oneshot”

  1. SC says:

    Fic starts out with car-surfing. Always a good sign.

    Aaah, brings me back to my epic breakout from prison in Saints Row 2.

    Just know that it involved car surfing, several dozens of pissed off cops, some very butch clothing choices, and I think there was a sex doll or two that got destroyed.

    • TacoMagic says:

      It brings me back to a horrible early 90’s movie called Surf Ninjas.

      • SC says:

        That sounds like TMNT, but mixed with that one show about a bunch of surfer/skater/blader/biker kids living in some Hawaiian-esque beach city. I can’t quite think of the name of that show, but I remember one of the characters was named Twister.

      • Oh, gods. I remember that one. Didn’t the Nostalgia Critic do a review for it a while back?

      • SC says:

        I wouldn’t know anything about the Nostalgia Critic reviewing it, but it probably wouldn’t take me any time at all to find out…

        Addendum: Yes, he did.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Yes, Ghostie, he did. He also played the entire thing as if he was praising it for being awesome before revealing “that review was just a dream, here’s what he really thinks of it”.

  2. SC says:

    but her dad made them move to knowhere for his work.

    I visited Knowhere, once. They had some very helpful tour guides, and their restaurants listed in great detail the ingredients that went into every dish.

    No libraries or book stores, though. Curious.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *le gasp*

      SC, it’s a good thing you got out of there. There’s a conspiracy going on there, I’m telling you!

  3. leobracer says:

    The DRD are attacking?

    *Flashes Omni-Tool, presses a few buttons, the Battle Armor lights up.*

    Go take care of them. I’m too busy reading the Newspaper.

    *The Battle Armor nods, and charges out bursting through the wall. Laser shots, Plasma Blasts, Missile launching, gunfire, and explosions are heard outside.*

    *Goes back to reading.*

  4. SC says:

    *The fighting intensifies outside*

    I don’t know, maybe it’s time for Specs and Co to be called in?

    Shades: Go fornicate with yourself, Taco.

    Shades: Did I literally just fucking say, “fornicate?”

    Yep.

    Shades: What was I, drugged or something? When do I ever bloody say, “fornicate?” Jesus, I’m English more in accent only than anything else, fancy words like that don’t exist in my vocabulary. I MUST have been drugged…

    She’s gonna go on about this for a while, I think.

    • The Crowbar says:

      “Go fornicate with yourself” is one of the weirdest sentences I’ve ever heard…

      • SC says:

        Which is partly why Shades never says it. She’s mean, not weird.

        Contacts: So, it’s not weird that every wall in her room is covered with mounted guns?

        Not every wall; her ceiling is still open. And no, it’s not weird, unless you’d like to take it up with her Portable Harrier Jump-jet.

        Contacts: Why would she have one of those? She had no interest in vehicles of any sort, and as horrifying as it may sound, Specs is the only one of the group with a pilot’s license.

        Well, because it has a minigun on it, duh!

      • The Crowbar says:

        You call HER a big-meanie?

        This one time, when I got my hands on a planet-full of people…

        In 15 minutes, I enslaved all 155 billion of them, created thousands of spaceships and then immediately got millions killed because who doesn’t like awesome space-battles?

      • SC says:

        No no no no no, she’s just MEAN, not a BIG MEANIE.

        Shades: I mean, shit, I have SOME standards.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Well, they decided to rebel pretty quickly but I blew their planet up, and somehow ended up here.

      • The Crowbar says:

        By the way, where do you get those… Character creation thingies or whatever pictures?

      • SC says:

        A website called tektek.org. It’s a site to do with the web forum GaiaOnline, and it has an avatar customization feature with several thousand of options.

        It’s a bit tricky to figure out the new layout they’ve got going, but once you get the hang of it, you can end up making such characters as, say, my precognitive dragon slayer OC, L. Ederlein Salthorne, in full battle gear.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Holy Balls, THOUSANDS of options?!

        *Destroys the left mouse button*

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh wait… Did the commetns section delete the link??

      • SC says:

        What, to the site?

        No, I’ve still got it. It’s just not in link format, is all.

        Try manually typing tektek.org in the URL bar, that’ll get you there.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I FINALLY found a character creation website that deserves the title “Character Creator”!

        16 pages of options just for the freaking EYES!

      • SC says:

        Yeah buddy.

        DreamSelfy is pretty good too, but it’s also tricky in its own little ways. Such as, all outfits are mostly predetermined, which limits creativity a smidge.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Hmmm… Okay, I gotta ask: What’s with the item value/gold thingie in tektek?

      • SC says:

        GaiaOnline is a forum/online game mix. There’s three in-game currencies (gold, tickets and real money covered into I-forget-what) to buy the items/clothing on tektek with. Some items are exclusive to certain events, others are parts of evolving item packs that require real money to buy, but most can be found in shops in-game.

      • The Crowbar says:

        So by that logic, if I wanted Aethon to clone this lady I created…

        I’d have to cough up 3.3 billion kilograms of gold?

        Are you sure I can’t haggle it down to atleast the entire fucking M33 Galaxy instead?

      • SC says:

        I’m fairly certain the NPCs don’t deal in galaxies.

      • The Crowbar says:

        …You didn’t just call Aethon a simple NPC…

        Let me know if you see a floating tentacle monster made of metal and controlled by an AI whose brain is a warehouse of quantum computers.

        And don’t let the painters tamper with any respawn points today.

      • TacoMagic says:

        *Watches the tentacle monster fly by*

        Hmm, doesn’t really seem like a boss.

        More of a Mid-boss.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *The Crowbar walks into his bunker to find his painters strapping SC to Aethon’s back*

        …Uh… Guys? Can SC survive in vacuum?

      • Only one way to find out.

        :activates walkie-talkie:

        Guys, grab Specs and meet me at the airlock.

      • The Crowbar says:

        TOO LATE!

        *Aethon blows a hole in the airlock, and flies into space with SC strapped to his back*

      • SC says:

        *Note: SCs can indeed survive in vacuums, because reasons.

        They cannot, however, handle vacuum-induced whiplash.*

        …OW.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Heh. Nice, Aethon!

        …No one calls my favorite AI a simple NPC and gets away with it.

        *High-fives one of the tentacles*

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s quite possible I was talking to the impostor, Chadze.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *snerk*

        HAHAHAHAHAHA!

        WHAT THE NAME?!

        *Crowbar’s laughter can be heard in every single corridor, hallway and room of the Library*

      • SC says:

        Shades: Gah, damn it! I thought I dealt with my genderbent evil mutant twin, already!

        *Shades grabs far too many not enough guns and storms off

  5. SC says:

    Man, this is the biggest assault the DRD have launched since untold zombie chronicels.

    Which reminds me, Taco: I got back to riffing that one Zelda lemon by Ukawareta Okami that you sent me way back when. I’m still working on chapter two when I have the time between Library riffs and such, but chapter one is up on my riffing blog if you’re still interested in seeing me take a swing at it.

  6. SC says:

    Darkwraiths, get the quarantine barrier up!

    Darkwraiths? Damn DRD, I guess they’re all pretty busy. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

    I’ve got foil hats, will that help any?

  7. firewereponywolf

    I know what the ninjas are going to be asking for this Christmas.

    • SC says:

      More butter?

      And ninjas celebrate Christmas?

      • They have a … unique take on the holiday. They call it Batā no Yoru or Night of Butter, it is the night the great demon Sato-San descends upon the ninja compound and must be appeased with ritual offerings of dairy goods and the sacrificial burning of several festively decorated evergreen trees. If Sato-San is pleased he will leave gifts hidden around the compound, but if he is angered he will curse all the ninjas so that they become lactose intolerant.

      • SC says:

        Sounds very vaguely like the plot of the first Fatal Frame…

        Are your ninjas secretly guardians of a gateway to hell under the Li-?

        *SC gets buttered into oblivion*

  8. The cheerleaders are all Alicorns? Why are ponies who are basically walking deities be doing cheerleading?

  9. Delta XIII says:

    I don’t know what her father is thinking moving them into a house with active TB in it, but some people like to live on the edge, I guess.

    I’m just wondering how a house can have TB. I didn’t realise buildings could have diseases.

  10. SC says:

    So Taco, was this an excuse to write a clusterbomb of every meme, OC, reference and what have you that we’ve ever been responsible for?

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    In my day internet was a magazine called Nintendo Power.

    Oh my God, I remember Nintendo Power! Well… I started getting it in the 90’s when the internet was starting to become widespread, but still. Come to think of it, I think I actually have some issues lying around in Miami…

  12. Infinity421 says:

    Oh god, the redundancies!
    Oh GOD, the redundancies!
    OH GOD, THE REDUNDANCIES!

    *falls off chair*

    I think I’m going to stay on the floor for now.

    Also, Sniper Elite V2 is free on Steam for now. I can’t play it right now, though. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

    At least the carpet’s nice.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Man, even their car is made out of a cardboard box. What the hell is up with her father?

    Hey, be thankful we’re not dealing with a Foreverware expy here. That would just get downright creepy.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Last, why am I analyzing this thing so much?

    For the same reason that I tried to inject even the smallest modicum of sanity into Asari Healing?

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Man, Trixie You’re ugly had the worst luck for surnames. Maybe that’s why she’s such a jerk.

    I’ll say. It brings me back to the days when I knew Michael Sucks at Suzuki…

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And why do I think that “fancy dinners” might mean “Olive Garden” in this situation?

    Maybe it was an Olive Garden owned by Joe Bastianich?

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I was born during the roman empire and my father was a great general named ceaser Julius the leader of the greeks.”

    *has aneurism*

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    *Looks over at Herr* Feel free to chime in on that one.

    Okay! My entry in this battle of the bands:

  19. Silky says:

    Also, I looked up canned turnips when I first read this monstrosity, and it turns out that is a thing that exists. There’s no word on how they taste, though, as I assume everyone who’s actually tried the nasty things died shortly afterward.


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