695: The Animagus Predator – Chapter 4, Part 1



Title: The Animagus Predator
Author: Bijuui9
Media: Book / Movie
Topic: Harry Potter / Aliens/Predator Cross-Over
Genre: Romance / Sci-Fi
URL: The Animagus Predator
Critiqued by Ghostcat


Hello, gracious Patrons!

Today I’m revisiting an old favorite of mine, The Animagus Predator. This infamous fic is one I first started way back in the early days of the Library, in 2012. So imagine my surprise when, after all this time, I find the author has posted another three (very long) chapters!  This fic has long been one of my “favorites”, mostly because it is one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever read – and I’m a Librarian.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Like a few of the early chapters, some of these are very long and will be divided into more manageable bites. Speaking of the earlier chapters – you can read the earlier riffs here, but if you don’t feel like clicking through I can give you the Cliff Notes version.

The protagonist is and agesquiggled Harrison James Potter Viator Black Slytherin Griffindor Ravenclaw, a Gary Stu of most epic proportions. After brewing a dangerous potion that initially is supposed to just reveal what his animagus form would be, Harry gains the deluxe Noah’s Ark package of animal transformations and even changes into an alien species, becoming an Animagus, a Metamorphmagus, and an Animorphmagus. Afterwards he summons Zombie Dobby, who dresses him in several cows’ worth of black leather, a bucket of knives, and then braids Harry’s hair. This is all in preparation for a visit to Gringotts, when Harry takes a bullshit inheritance test to learn that he has inherited one hundred billion Galleons, making him worth the same as a small country (in this case, Poland) as well as all of the Hogwarts’ buildings and most of its grounds. And at that time he also inherits the ability to transform into something called a Lamia Angel, even though that’s not how you inherit abilities. Oh, and six different lordships as well as a Jungle of Death that has its own castle. (Because of course it would.)

While checking over the early chapters I noticed that the laundry list of Harry Stu’s possessions has been added to; now he also owns –

3/4 of the Daily Prophet

1/3 of Weasly’s Wizarding Wheezes

1/5 of Madame Mallekins Clothes Shop

3/10th of Grunnings Company

1/5th of Potions brewery Black Brewers and co

The Marauders hang out in London France, America, Spain, Germany, Australia and Russia.

Wolf den in London France, America, Spain, Germany, Australia and Russia.

Prongs club in France, America, Spain, Germany, Australia and Russia.

Padfoots joke shop in London

Bloody Pleasure in London, France, America, Spain, Germany, Australia and Russia.

Lilly’s potions”0

I can’t tell if the author thinks London is a city in France, or she thinks that it’s a separate country.
That’s practically every business mentioned in the source materials, plus a fuck-ton of other stuff that makes very little sense. I mean, really; Sirius was in jail for twelve years and then spent the rest of his life on the run – when would he have opened his own joke shop even under his little-known pseudonym? (Also Harry would legally own more than a third of the twins’ shop since his Triwizard winnings were used to fund it, but he refused the twins’ offers of a partnership.) I’m kind of surprised the author didn’t sneak in a few calling birds or some maids a-milking while she was at it. If the fic holds true to the past chapters, these new items will likely never come into play except to illustrate how awesome Harry Stu is.

After requesting a Time Turner so he can take more classes even though he already knows everything, Harry blows off class to hang out for most of the year in the Chamber of Secrets before taking his NEWTs early at the time he would have normally taken them. (No, it doesn’t make sense even in context.)  Harry has also retained possession of all of the Deathly Hallows, which grants him both immortality and the ability to control the physical manifestation of Death itself.

Is it any wonder he won Most Epic Gary Stu in the first Sucktastic Awards?

Anyway, Chapter 3 ends with everyone celebrating Harry Stu’s achievement of passing the NEWTs, even though it was revealed that he’s been paying people to be his friends. I guess everyone loves a party. Chapter 4 starts off with an Author’s Note apologizing for the length of time since the last update, and then there’s this;

Seven years later (major time skip), 2004.


Thanks for that helpful little Author’s Note that in no way is insulting the intelligence of your audience by assuming they wouldn’t realize seven years would be a significant time jump.

There was already some timesquiggling in the early chapters; Harry is sixteen and still a student at Hogwarts after the war, even though he was almost eighteen at the time the war ended and all seventh-year students participating in the Battle of Hogwarts were allowed to graduate without completing their final year. Since Harry returned to school after the war, in what would have been mid-1998, and hung around for at least six months according to the fic, seven years later would be some time in 2006.

Harry narrowed his eyes at the dark skinned man in front of him. The man had come up to him, in the middle of his training session, with a job offer.

Just a reminder – Harry has more money than many minor religions as well as what appear to be several businesses of his own and thus would never need to work for someone else – or at all, really.

According to the man he worked for Weyland Industries, a company Harry knew all to well and didn’t like one bit.

Wouldn’t Harry know the name of the company he works for? I mean, it’s on the paychecks they give him that he doesn’t need. And why would he work for them when he doesn’t like them? Unless the dark-skinned fellow is the one who works for Weyland. Either way, there’s another timesquiggle here – according to the wiki, Weyland was incorporated on October 11, 2012.

He especially loathed Mister Charles Bishop Weyland as the man was snooping around and meddling with things he shouldn’t meddle with.

Damned meddling kids industrialist, always poking around the abandoned amusement park icy wasteland.

He hummed thoughtfully as he chopped a practice dummy in half with brutal accuracy and great strength with nothing but a dagger.

I call straight-up bullshit on that. Without a description it is hard to say, but most daggers are short-bladed stabbing and slashing weapons; they really aren’t designed to cleave humans (or human simulacrum) in twain.

He was curious as to why a simple expedition would need people capable of fighting.

Well, off the top of my head I can think of a few; hostile natives, dangerous animals, pirates, rival parties from the competition, sudden zombie outbreak. There are many things that could require an armed response.

He also wanted to know what Weyland wanted on Bouvet Island in Antarctica.

That’s an oddly specific location, I wonder what would happen if I did a search for it?

:types “Bouvet Island” into Xenopedia search bar:

Well, will you look at that – this island is the setting of the first Alien vs Predator film! Which just so happens to feature a group of scientists and mercenaries being sent on an expedition by Charles Bishop Weyland, where they find an ancient pyramid that is full of Yautja (Predators) and Xenomorphs.

What are the odds?

He knew that the island was far more than it seemed.


Of course you do. You know everything, even things no one could possibly know unless they had watched the movie you are currently trapped in.

He knew of what lay beneath the ice and he knew what could happen if people discovered the ancient temple under the ice.

:sirens blare:


What the hell is that noise?

:looks around:

Oh, it’s the DRD alarm. You know, it’s been so long since I’ve heard it, I almost forgot what it sounded like.

: loud roars echo down the hallway:

Good thing Gumdrop hasn’t.

He also knew that a heat source of unknown origins had show up a few days ago in the island and he knew what was happening.

Harry Stu knows an awful lot about things he really shouldn’t be aware of. Weyland picked up the heat signature on a scan, but none of the magical businesses that Harry Stu is involved in would have a way to scan the polar regions or any reason to do so.

He didn’t want to intervene with the Yautja but he knew he couldn’t let Weyland or anyone else get a hold of the Yautja or their technology.

Huh. Harry Stu sounds awfully sympathetic towards a race of murderous aliens who like to treat humans as prey. It’s almost like he’s on the Yautja side rather than on the humans’ side. But how does he know anything about an alien race?

And he was pretty sure that the Weyland satellites had picked up on it to.

Well, duh. You managed to pick it up and you don’t even have access to satellites so it is a safe bet they noticed something. Why else would they be sending an expedition to the same place as the heat signature?

He let out a sigh and gave a nod. “Very well, I will attend this meeting. However I will not decide until I know more, you have my word that I will keep this discreet Mister Maxwell Stafford.”

What meeting? The guy never said anything about a meeting. I thought he was offering you a job? Is this meeting going to be like an interview where they ask you what your goals and achievements are and what kind of tree you would most like be?

With that he turns, picks up his bag and leaves.

Several days later he was picked up by a helicopter, which he loathed to get into.

Which “he” are these pronouns referring to? Both Harry and this Maxwell fellow are male. Did Harry pick up a bag, or was it Maxwell? Does Harry hate helicopters? Considering he regularly flies on a broomstick and once traveled by flying car, I can’t imagine he would have a problem with a helicopter.

The machine took him to a large ship, close to Antarctica.

Once again I say “Bullshit!” to that. Although it isn’t specified where Harry lives, it is most likely somewhere in Great Britain.

:pulls down world map:

Here is Great Britain, and way the hell down here is Antarctica – two continents away. Assuming Harry Stu moved into that castle in his Jungle of Death, then that might cut the distance a bit, but Antarctica is a long way from anywhere that could be considered a jungle. No helicopter in the world would travel that distance, they just aren’t designed to do so. And if there is a helicopter that can travel such distances, why deliver Harry to a boat near the main destination – why not go all the way to Antarctica?

Once he got there he was lead to a large room, where several other people had already gathered.

Since there’s no description, I’m just going to picture the War Room from Dr. Strangelove.

‘Fuck, these are all either trained soldiers, mercenaries or archeologists and the famed Alexa Woods. Lovely, she’s the expert on climbing mountains. Which means they want her as a guide through Antarctica.’

“Guide” in this case would be a misnomer; it implies that Alexa has been to this pyramid before and knows the way.

That’s some fine exposition info-dumping/ plot regurgitation  but there is no way Harry Stu could name every single person in the room.

Alexa Woods, an American mountain climber/expert.

Sebastian de Rosa, an Italian archaeologist/linguist

Thomas Parks, Linguist/archaeologist

Charles Bishop Weyland, American, head of Weyland Industries.

Graeme Miller, German, technical engineer

Maxwell Stafford, Mark Verheiden, Joe Connors, Adele Rousseau, Rusten Quinn, Stone Hedge, Klaus Santa, Mikkel, Boris, Sven and Juan Ramirez. Harry knew most of them by name. Most were trained soldiers and mercenaries, all working for Weyland industries.


I stand corrected.

Also – this author really has a thing for dull, dry lists.

The fact that Harry Stu can place each of these faceless people by name and most by their country of origin as well as what they specialize in makes me wonder if he stuffed a Datapad of Infinite Knowledge into his brain at some point.

And for some reason two archaeologist/linguists and one engineer on a “scientific” expedition to a frozen wasteland where there are no dangerous animals and the hazards are all environmental require a dozen trained soldiers and mercys tagging along? I know it’s that kind of film, but that right there is reason enough to be suspicious.

Weyland appeared a few minutes later, launching into an explanation as to why they where here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa – back your shit up. Weyland was in the list of names of people in the room that Harry Stu knows, but he also arrives after Harry Stu? Is he a frickin’ time traveler?

When he saw the holographic image of a pyramid he mentally cursed.

There’s a hologram? :looks around Formless Void: Where? I don’t see one.

:shakes fic:

Show me the hologram, dammit! Or anything! I have no idea what is going on!

‘Fuck! He knows something is up with it. He’s expecting something dangerous, that’s what the soldiers and myself are for!

I’m having a hard time following your logic. At first you are curious to know why a peaceful scientific expedition would need mercys, and then you reveal that you know that the ice-temple is a dangerous place that would require the services of trained soldiers, and now you are surprised to learn that Weyland might also know that there is something dangerous in the ice-temple.


Your first clue that he knew it was dangerous should have been the fact that he was hiring a dozen professional badasses to baby-sit the three scientists!

Shite, this sucks! Now I have to accept the offer and join the expedition, if only to make sure they don’t do something stupid.’

Now it sounds like Harry Stu is there to keep the humans from getting hurt, instead of keeping them away from his Yautja pals. I cannot decide if he’s on Team Human or Team Yautja.

If you’re on the ship in the Antarctic attending a briefing that contains sensitive information, you’ve already accepted the job. It’s not like Harry Stu, the biggest of all the badasses, could complain about it being too dangerous.

Harry let out an audible groan and shook his head. “I do not like pyramids very much Mister Weyland.


I find they hold un- known dangers, especially ones build by the Aztecs, Mayan, Cambodian and Ancient Egyptian civilizations.

Which would be pretty much every civilization that built pyramids – unless you count the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas, in which case he would have to add America to that list. The dangers of gambling are well-known, though, so I guess we don’t count.

The last pyramid I entered was build by the Aztec civilization and ended up being full of death traps.

That somehow managed to remain functional after several centuries.

I bareley made it out alive and I can assure you that I generally do not end up half dead after an expedition.”

If you were nearly crushed by a large rolling boulder after snatching a golden idol from a pedestal, I will slap you until my hand goes numb. And then I’ll kick you a few times for good measure.

A few people shifted nervously at his comment. “And what exactly where you doing in a pyramid in the first place…?” Thomas Parks questioned boldly, giving him a cold look.

The pronoun use in this fic is whack-ass. Is Thomas giving himself a cold look? I cannot tell who is doing what to whom. And if they are all professional explorers/adventurers/whatevers, then what does Thomas think Harry Stu was doing in a dangerous temple? Picking wildflowers?

Harry smirked.

Oh, crap! It snuck up on me!

:tosses roll of bolt-tape to Shinobi-san:

I’ll alert the clan, you head Taco off in the Azure Drawing Room.

“I am Grimm

But you can call me Awesome McCoolname.

and I will be going on this expedition to ensure you lot do not die when entering the building.

But after you step foot inside, you’re all as good as dead.

:points to scientists:

I’m guessing you folks have a date with some Facehuggers.

The people who build it where very fond of placing dead traps to ensure thief’s and grave robbers would not be able to enter and come out alive.

So thieves and grave robbers are that big of a big problem in Antarctica, are they?

If this pyramid…” He gestured to the holographic image.

I’ve got a gesture for you.

“Is anything like the others I have explored then we will need to be careful.

And it might very well be exactly like the one you were in before, but I’m guessing that the audience won’t be able to compare the two since neither the pyramid you were in nor the holographic image of the pyramid you will be visiting have been described in any detail.

Which is why I am going with you lot to ensure none of you do something stupid.” His voice was monotone as he spoke.

Too late for that.

And I’d like to point out that I’m a notary public, so if any of you need a signature witnessed – like, say, on a will – my fees are very reasonable.

Alexa Woods snickered. “Exactly why I am here. But I think we should wait, this group is not ready for this expedition.”

Which is pretty much in line with the canon character’s feelings; she wanted to train the expedition members how not to die while on the ship where it would be safe, but if this is following the film …

Harry snorted. “Nowhere near ready Miss Woods. However I have a hunch Mister Weyland wants us to go tomorrow.


I know it’s canon, but seriously? Weyland spends a small fortune on this trip, doesn’t bother finding people who already know how to climb and doesn’t allow his one climbing expert to train the people he picked out so they won’t fall off a mountain? He’s just setting this up to fail.

What a douche.

I suspect it is why you and I are here.”

Well, that’s why she’s there. You’re just the Stu who will end up jammed into every scene even if there’s no reason for you to be there.

His words were proved right the next day as they set out in the dark the next day, fully equipped.

So Weyland isn’t going to order them to go, everyone just assumes Harry Stu is right so they follow him?

Harry mentally scoffed at the pathetic excuse of protection the soldiers wore.

Fully equipped equals pathetic excuse? Since when?

He himself was clad in comfortable, formfitting, flexible black clothing.

Huh. Again, I’m puzzled why the author feels the need to stress twice in this fic that the clothing Harry Stu wears is flexible – immobile clothing isn’t very practical – but that’s not too bad. I guess we can just move on now, right?


A pair of pants, knee high boots made of basilisk hide, a protective, magic infused long-sleeved mesh shirt, a sleeveless vest made of basilisk hide to protect him from the Yautja, the Kainde Amedha and the humans respectively.


Oh, hell. I forgot this author loves costume porn almost as much as they love lists.

Buckle up, Patrons!

So the pants are going to protect him from the Yautja, the boots will protect him from the Xenomorphs (Kainde Amedha) and the rest will protect him from the humans? Seems kind of backwards to me; I’d want more protection from the slavering aliens than the relatively harmless humans.

And I’m still not convinced that he would be so knowledgable about two alien species he’s only read about in books written in the tenth century. Suspension of disbelief will only stretch so far before it snaps.

He wore gloves made from the same material as his vest and boots.

Black leather, every stitch of it. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he wears black leather socks and underwear.

He wore Goblin made arm and shin guards, made of the strongest metal, enforced with magic and acid proof.

This is a bit better than the earlier costume porn when Harry Stu was wearing generic “armor”, so I’m going to give the author a redemption brownie. I will then take away the brownie for that “acid proof” remark. The correct term would be acid-resistant, not acid-proof.

I hope he’s at least going to put on a parka or something. It gets cold down there, temperatures can get as low as −129 °F (−89 °C for you metric fans) and a few layers of leather aren’t going to offer much protection. Especially wearing that metal armor; metal is not much of an insulator.

He was armed to the teeth with knifes, daggers,

All standard issue on this model Stu. Harry feels naked without his many, many large blades. There’s likely a Freudian interpretation to be found there.

a combi stick which he made himself


He made one? How? This is a combi-stick;

It’s a telescoping staff/spear used for stabbing and slashing.It’s an alien weapon, so how did he learn how to make one – Google “how to make a combi-stick”?

Well played, Google. I should never underestimate cosplayers.

So the fact that Harry Stu lives in a world where there are no cosplayers sitting around discussing how to make fictional weaponry means that the only way he could make one would be if he had access to a real one. He mentioned being in a pyramid before, but unless there was a random combi-stick laying around it that he could take apart and study it wouldn’t have done much good. A picture of one in a book isn’t going to give you a detailed blueprint of its internal workings.

and his wands, the stone of resurrection and his invisibility cloak.

He has several wands, which are capable of fantastic mystical acts, and still feels the need to carry around knives and a spear the gets bigger when you press the right button.

Oh, no – he’s not compensating for anything.

He had two swords on his back, the combi stick was clipped to his belt on the right, next to a pouch and a few knifes. On his left he had a dagger, a ceremonial blade and a pouch.

Wait, he’s wearing all of this openly? All these weapons are clearly visible and he doesn’t think anyone will find it strange?


These are Muggles, dumbass! And if you’re stupid enough to wear your invisibility cloak in front of them then they will know for certain that something’s up. Normal people don’t vanish from the neck down.

Both pouches where charmed to be bottomless, holding an endless supply of weapons and many other things.

So he has not one but two Bags of Holding, ensuring that he will have exactly the equipment needed to perform any task he is faced with. Because dramatic tension is for losers.

His face was covered with a black mask, attached to his vest. It covered the lower half of his face.


I know what a mask is and I know what a vest is, but I’m having a hard time picturing how those two items would be joined in such a way as to be functional. Especially if the vest already covers half of his face, rendering most of the mask redundant. If only there was some way the author could describe what they meant!

 His face was also covered by a metal mask, he made himself.

You’re quite the crafty little bastard, aren’t you? And you must really love masks if you’re wearing two of them.

Also – how long is this fic going to spend describing his frickin’ clothes? This is the third paragraph of this shit.

:checks fic:



Kill me now.



Dammit, Shinobi-san! I wasn’t serious. :flutter: … Why do I have wings now?

:reads label on respawn point:

Oh, lovely. Now I’m a Dark Fae.

It was durable, acid proof, infused with magic and looked like the mask of a Yautja, except he didn’t need tubes to breathe oxygen.

Well, I don’t need tubes to breathe oxygen either but you don’t see me bragging about it. But how are you able to breathe without the tubes? A Predator mask is solid, it doesn’t have any other way to allow the wearer to breathe. Also;


That’s for telling the audience what it looks instead of showing them. And how are you wearing something like that and no one thinks it’s strange?

:points to ill-defined cast of characters:

Are any of them wearing a metal mask and archaic leather clothing? I’m asking you because I can’t tell. If they aren’t then you might want to rethink your wardrobe choices.

He used magic to get that while wearing the mask and also used magic to have it stick to his face.

Because magic fixes everything, even shitty writing. Too bad you’re not allowed to do magic in front of Muggles, so you’ll have to ditch your freaky fashion accessory.

It was pure technology and magic proof.

Is it made of pure technology and resistant to magic, or resistant to both magic and pure technology yet vunerable to impure technology? If it is resistant to magic, how can there be spells to allow Harry Stu to breathe and allow it to stick to his under-mask? And how did Harry Stu make it if it’s resistant to magic – whittle it out of a hubcap?

He could see in various types of different views,

It has a built-in Viewmaster?

cold and heat signatures being on the things he could see.

Cold has very sharp, angular handwriting while Heat’s is much more rounded.

His wrist-blades were also self made

I don’t think I’ve ever had a knife that made itself; I bet the lack of hands made that tricky.

and activated with a small pulls of magic or by flexing his fingers in a certain way.

Since wandless magic in the Potter-verse is usually done with gestures, that seems unnecessary and a waste of magic if the same gesture will operate the blades regardless of whether or not magic is used. It would also be dangerous; there are only so many ways a person can flex their fingers so Harry Stu could scratch his balls and end up gelding himself.



You can’t do magic in front of Muggles!

Around his neck he wore a metal band,

Given his all-black theme and tendency to over-accessorize, I’m going to assume he’s wearing Black Sabbath around his neck.

made of strong acid proof material, to protect his neck. He didn’t fancy dying form a blow to the neck any time soon.

If Harry Stu is concerned about a blunt force injury to his neck, why did he make the gorget out of acid-resistant materials? The ability to repel corrosive substances would have no benefit if he is only concerned about getting struck by something.

On top of it all he wore a long, pitch black robe and a cloak with a large hood.

So on top of his leather boots and pants, metal shirt, leather vest, greaves, bracers with built-in wrist-blades, leather gloves, invisibility cloak, ressurection stone, wands, two bags of holding with gods-only-know how much crap in them, the two swords strapped to his back, and all the bobbles hanging off of his belt, he’s putting on a long robe and a cloak?


Seriously, author? Did you forget that this is a modern-day expedition to Antarctica with a party of Muggles that will involve a substantial amount of rock climbing and not a trek into Mordor? This is the Muggle world, dumbass. Outside of certain conventions and events, Muggles aren’t used to seeing men stroll around in robes and carrying swords. You’re going to stand out. And to make matters worse, this is nothing but a re-dressing of the first incredibly long costume porn; the only thing missing is the elaborate hair braiding!

Also – just how useful are those swords (and the weapons on his belt) going to be if he put two additional layers of clothing on top of them? Having the swords in a back-scabbard is already pretty impractical without adding more obstacles.

 His long hair had been braided with acid proof wire and black void steel rings around the braids.


Fornicate with a waterfowl.

They hung loos and looked impressive.

I seriously doubt that.

How loose – or “loos” – could these braids be if they have wires woven into them? Wires would make the indiviual braids stiff; if he sleeps with the wires in then he’ll likely end up with Medusa-hair. And why have acid-resistant wires in your hair if the hair itself isn’t remotely acid-resistant? If he manages to get acid on himself – and with this much build-up it’s guaranteed that he will – his hair will dissolve and leave the wires unharmed.

His weapons were made of void steel as well mixed with goblin steel amongst others.


Jeez. Grammar much?

Harry Stu really, really likes steel; if his underpants aren’t made of black leather then they are probably void steel mesh with multiple magical reinforcements.

He ignored the stares he got as he moved back to the expedition party.

See? Even the characters know how ridiculous you … Wait a second. He moved back to the party? Did he leave the group after they arrived, change into his gear while they were watching him, and then rejoin the party?

“The area is all clear. There is no need to dig, as it seems others have already done that for us.”

Oh, I see! He was scouting the area for danger. Too bad the narration skipped over that part in favor of telling us about Harry Stu’s mask fetish.

The comment made people hurry to the the place they were supposed to dig at.

Oh, good; they’ve coagulated into a nice, uniform character-clot. That should give Harry Stu a chance to really chew up the nonexistent scenery.

A few people gawked at seeing the large, perfectly made tunnel going down.

Does that mean it’s brightly lit and lined with concrete with a spiral staircase complete with handrail leading down?

“Be careful it is slippery.” Harry commented before people jumped into motion.

If it was perfectly made, then why is it slippery? That is not really a desirable feature when it comes to subterranean tunnels. And how does he know it is slippery? He never went near it!

But at least a mysterious hole in the ground means there will but something resembling plot, maybe a dramatic scene where Harry Stu narrowly saves one of the faceless mass from certain death?

And hour later they all stood at the foot of the pyramid.

Or not.

Seriously? You spend four fucking paragraphs describing Harry Stu’s clothing, but the climb down the slippery and dangerous tunnel rates only a couple of sentences?

What the hell, author?

Against warnings from both Lex and Harry they entered the pyramid.

I guess “pyramid” is what Harry Stu has decided to call this section of the Formless Void.

:looks around at vast nothingness:

It looks exactly like the abandoned warehouse and Hogwarts from the first chapters.

Harry mentally cursed at their stupidity, muttering lowly in Yautja how idiotic they were.

This coming from the guy who not only found the mysterious tunnel to the pyramid, but helped everyone climb down to said pyramid?

Kettle, this is Pot. Have you met?

And have you really listened to the Predators in the movies? They make these weird clicking trills that would attract a lot of attention no matter how quiet Harry Stu was trying to be.

 He had learned many languages with the help of several spells and potions.

And what does this have to do with the pyramid? Or anything, really?

Some potions increased his brain capacity, others helped him read things faster.

Because learning a language by reading an ancient book really fast gives you perfect pronunciation and absolute fluency. This would be especially true for a tonal language like Yautja, filled with all kinds of whistles and clicks that I’m sure are easily reproduced in written form.

Some spells made it possible to copy knowledge directly into his mind, where he used occlumency to order it all and make sure he would remember everything and be able to use it when needed.

Knowledge downloaded directly into his mind that is organized and easily accessible? Bloody hell, he did stuff a Datapad of Infinite Knowledge into his brain.

All in all he was probably the smartest man alive.


If that’s not the epitome of “telling instead of showing”, then I don’t know what is.

He mentally cringed as one of the men stepped onto a tile and it gave away.

:slaps character-clot upside their heads:

Stop breaking the invisible pyramid!

‘Better not say anything, wouldn’t want to spoil anything for the Yautja.

What exactly could he say at this point? “Don’t step on that thing you just stepped on or it will break like it just did”? And if you didn’t want to spoil things for the Yautja by warning the humans that there are traps everywhere, then why did you do just that while you were on the boat?

But I better make sure the civilians don’t end up being sacrificed.’

:shakes head:

Poor bastards whose names I can’t be bothered to remember. They really are as good as dead.

He knew it was a false hope, they’d all die except for him.

That’s not really false hope so much as it is no hope at all. You’ve already decided that they will die and are resigned to the fact.

But you never knew what was going to happen these days.

Unless you’ve seen the movie whose plot is being regurgitated, in which case you would totally know what’s going to happen.

This seems like a good place to stop for the day, I’ll be back next time with the rest of the chapter.











74 Comments on “695: The Animagus Predator – Chapter 4, Part 1”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    *new list of possessions*

    Holy hot damn. When did this Stu turn into a one-man version of Wall Street?

    • SC says:

      Oh, you know, back when [mumble mutter] and now I’m not allowed within twenty yards of any establishment where livestock is the main focus, explosive components in tow or not.

    • It gets worse when yor realize that most of his assets are in the magical world, which is a cash society – the sheer tonnage of the precious metals required to create that many coins would include about half of all the gold mined on Earth. Given all his new assets, he probably owns the other half by now.

      • SC says:

        Just that knowledge alone is a good reason for me to have tied Contacts up.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        So Harry has basically become the richest man in the magical world because reasons.

        You know, I’m seriously tempted to allow you to nominate this guy a second time after reading this. I’m still going to say that one award is enough, but I’m seriously tempted to nominate him again…

      • And in the Muggle world as well, he’s about ten times richer than the current richest man on Earth.

        This is only the first half of the first new chapter! He gets so much worse from here. So. so much worse.

      • SC says:

        He is the physical manifestation of Sports Shades’ ego.

      • And he completely wastes the opportunity to build a Scrooge McDuck style vault and use magic to swim around in his money. Such a shame.

      • SC says:

        Sports Shades: All the ego, half the skill? Then that ain’t me.

        Yeah, you’d have built a castle out of gold with sixteen gold-filled swimming pools made of gold or some such like that.

        Sports Shades: With some leftover to arm defenses that could keep thief-boy out.

  2. SC says:

    This fic has long been one of my “favorites”, mostly because it is one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever read – and I’m a Librarian.

    Let that sink in for a minute.

    I believe it. I once found Mein Kampf in the CHILDREN’S section of a public library.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *double take*

      Wait, what!? How the fu…

      What fucked up hellhole would have fucking Mein Kampf in the children’s section!?

      • SC says:

        Recently graduated high school punks who got hired at the local library and thought it would be funny to prank the parents.

        I lived in a garbage town before I moved to Modesto, man.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, I would’ve found those punks and smacked them with the book while yelling at them about how Hitler was a horrible human being and why they should be ashamed of themselves…

      • leobracer says:

        Three words:

        Dude, Not funny!

      • SC says:

        After a certain point in my high school career, I just decided to not make a big deal out of it, but make sure they were watching as I acted like a proper adult and dismantled their cruel jokes. The satisfaction of knowing that they were pissed off at me and thought that I was just some lame killjoy was usually enough to boost my spirits.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, frankly, SC, I would’ve taken the route of “if you ever do this again I will find out where you live and you will know my name is the Lord”. IMO, there’s nothing quite like a good dressing down to get someone to stop doing something stupid.

      • SC says:

        I don’t feel that that would have done any good. They were the kind of assholes that you could beat up until they were black and blue, and they’d stol keep doing it because they thought it was funny.

    • leobracer says:

      *Spits out drink*


  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He hummed thoughtfully as he chopped a practice dummy in half with brutal accuracy and great strength with nothing but a dagger.

    Fraug! We need you again!

    • SC says:

      Yeah, I’m at a loss here, too. You can certainly brutalize and maim people with knives, and I’ll allow that with some effort, you can dismember people too, but cut something, dummy or no, completely in HALF?

      I don’t buy it.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I can give a little on this, as I love daggers.

      This is actually possible, but extremely implausible.

      How it’s possible: The longest daggers have blades that can be upwards of 12 inches. The abdominal thickness of a 50th percentile male is only about 7-8″, so you have plenty of length to get through that so long as you hit from the side and with enough force to slice all the way through.

      Assuming the dummy is just filled with fluff or something, then it would be feasible to make the cut with an extremely sharp dagger and a hard swing. It would still take one hell of a swing, but it’s probably doable.

      Even cutting through a person would be possible if you were attacking the lower abdomen from the back, got lucky with blade placement with respect to the spinal segments, and had super-human strength. Again, extremely implausible, but technically possible if you get the blade moving fast enough, hit as little bone as possible, and fulcrum the strike forward slightly to get mechanical advantage when you hit the spine.

      • It would help to know what the dummy is made of, if it was one specifically designed for practicing with knives or edged weapons it would probably be made of thick rubber or some other resilient material that would make slicing it in half difficult.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Honestly, unless you’re just looking to build endurance (and even then), if you were serious about practicing you would probably be going up against a living opponent or a target trainer. Dummies are a good way to start out, but if you’re looking for actual combat readiness, you would likely want to spar with somebody. At least have a target trainer so they could mix it up for you.

        Even if you were just trying to practice forms, you’re better off without the dummy.

        Yeah, a dummy is better than nothing, but if you’re the richest person in the world, get a master swordsman on the payroll to practice with.

      • Well, Harry Stu is accustomed to buying friends, so hiring someone to be his opponent would probably make sense to him. But then he couldn’t show everyone how badass he is via wanton destruction of property.

      • TacoMagic says:

        His magic is already doing crazy stuff, he may as well just animate something to spar with at this point. Magical training dummy ensouled with the greatest dagger fighter of all time.

        I mean, if we’re going to be crazy epic Gary Stu, we may as well go the whole way.

      • There’s actually a canon spell for that, McGonagall uses it to bring the statues to life during the Battle of Hogwarts.

        If he’s only ever fought inanimate dummies, that makes his claims later in the chapter all the more unbelievable.

    • Colonel deFraug says:

      Taco pretty much hit the nail on the head. Depending on dummy material, blade length, swing force and accurate placement, it is technically possible to make the cut described. It just wouldn’t happen.

      I would argue that 12 inches of blade length and up qualifies for short sword status, but that’s not a hard and fast rule. After all, roundel daggers tend to be 12 and above in blade length. Roundels are however, hopeless cutters, as dictated by both the grip design and the blade cross-sections they normally had. (Often they were just spikes.)

      And this gets into the heart of the matter. The primary purpose of a dagger is to stab. Some daggers make for wicked slicers, but they are near-universally bad at chopping and hacking blows.

      Let’s examine a typical (and very nice) dagger design. The Fairbain-Sykes Pattern 2 fighting knife of WWII fame. You’re looking at a 7 inch long slender double-edged blade that comes to an extremely sharp point. The guard is substantial, but not overlarge, and the handle has a coke bottle design for handling’s sake. The whole package is just under 12 inches long, and provides a blade that can make lethal stabs through heavy winter clothing of the era (This is a critical design criteria for daggers, and explains the roundels’ excessive length. They were mean for use against suits of plate, chain, gambesons, and arming doublets.), while being quick and balanced in the hand to make very nice forehanded slashes to soft tissue. However, it does not handle bone well, and the tip can be somewhat fragile.

      So how would the FS handle the dummy cut? Well, if we assume a skinny dummy, it would be possible, but it would require the blade to be fully extended into the dummy throughout the entire cut…and that’s not even close to good technique, even with a knife made for cutting. I’ve said it before. Good strong cuts are performed at full extension, and that means the blade will be moving in an arc. Which precludes the hilt being right up against the dummy’s torso the whole time. (To do so would also, incidentally, mean fighting against some serious friction as well, but hey.) So we’ve already got problems.

      That’s to say nothing of the troubles you’d have getting through the spine on an actual person.

      Of course, all of this pales in comparison to the biggest point.

      It’s a dagger.

      It’s made for stabbing.

      So STAB with it, you motherfluffer!

      • SC says:

        The Fairbain-Sykes

        Fun fact: the Splinter Cell book series loved this knife so much that they made it a Chekov’s Gun for getting Sam Fisher to stop running from his former students and instead help them flush out a rat in the works in Third Echelon. (Actually, a whole fucking conspiracy, if we also tack on the over-arching plot of the games.)

        It’s like I knew the Fairbain-Sykes would come up in a conversation in the future…

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Whoa, whoa, whoa – back your shit up. Weyland was in the list of names of people in the room that Harry Stu knows, but he also arrives after Harry Stu? Is he a frickin’ time traveler?

    Never mind that: is this fic seriously summarizing most of the action? What the fuck!?


  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Now it sounds like Harry Stu is there to keep the humans from getting hurt, instead of keeping them away from his Yautja pals. I cannot decide if he’s on Team Human or Team Yautja.

    Seriously, his motivations change more frequently than… than… well, I don’t know who.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “And what exactly where you doing in a pyramid in the first place…?” Thomas Parks questioned boldly, giving him a cold look.

    You know, I’m with Tommy on this one. Seriously, when the fuck did Harry turn into Indiana Jones? And now he’s going off to fight a bunch of Predators?

    This is quickly turning into Asari Healing with marginally more explanations…

  7. SC says:

    Oh, lovely. Now I’m a Dark Fae.

    Well, there have been worse fates.

    Still in a bind there, Contacts?

    Contacts, tied to a pole with Christmas bows: MAKE ONE MORE “TIED UP” JOKE, AND WHEN I GET DOWN FROM HERE, I SWEAR I WILL DESTROY YOU!

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Fornicate with a waterfowl.

    No no, Ghostie, the proper term is this:

    Fornicate with a waterfowl with the aid of a putrefying item of fattening foodstuffs

    There we go.

  9. To be fair to Weyland, it’s not like he expected murderous aliens to show up on the expedition and he was dying so he probably wanted to get there before anyone else.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And have you really listened to the Predators in the movies? They make these weird clicking trills that would attract a lot of attention no matter how quiet Harry Stu was trying to be.

    And how the hell can Harry make those sounds, anyway? I thought Predators had a very different mouth structure from humans!

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Knowledge downloaded directly into his mind that is organized and easily accessible? Bloody hell, he did stuff a Datapad of Infinite Knowledge into his brain.



    Let’s just hope he stays away from the Prothean beacons, then. The last thing we need is for him to download knowledge of the Reapers to his head…

    • leobracer says:

      We can take comfort that the Prothean beacons could potentially fry his brain, since the beacons were meant for Prothean minds.

    • SC says:

      Or Bifocals’ Info-Matrix Device.

      For all of two days before the mind wipe, I recall that I had explicit knowledge of why aliens REALLY probe humans.

      It was, uh… I suppose “creepy” is the best operating word, here.

  12. SC says:

    I’ll alert the clan, you head Taco off in the Azure Drawing Room.

    Wait, Shades, isn’t that where you hide your weapons arsenal so that you don’t have to have Bifocals make an expansion to the Armory?

    Shades: SHIT!

  13. TacoMagic says:

    Datapad of Infinite Knowledge

    We here at the Contrived Plot Corporation (CPC) are introducing several exciting new product lines to give the customers of our competitor a broader range of choice. To that end, we are happy to unveil the Datapad of Infinite Knowledge as a supperior option to the the PCC’s Datapad of Endless knowledge. It comes complete with all the information archives that the more expensive DEK has, is about 20% larger, and comes with the bonus cup-holder, belt holster, and bottle-opener attachments!

    Remember, when shopping for your contrived data source, pick the Datapad of Infinite Knowledge. Yes, choose the CPC’s DIK, because it’s bigger!

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Harry smirked.

    Not on my watch, you little-

    *Ninjas rush into the room and bolt tape Taco to the ceiling*


    • SC says:

      Contacts, still tied to the pole: Hey there. Welcome to the party. Drinks are on me, once I have the use enough of my hands to make any.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    perfectly made tunnel going down.

  16. Oh God, the costume porn, it burns my eyes! Perhaps the author wasn’t aware of the rather unfortunate connotations surrounding that particular misspelling of ‘loose’, especially in the UK. All I can picture now is Harry with toilets hanging from his braids. These would be black void steel toilets, obviously.

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