694: Twenty Warriors – Chapters Twenty-Two and Twenty-Three Part OnePosted: April 24, 2014
Title: Twenty Warriors
Author: Herr Wozzeck
Media: Video Games/Comics/Movies/Cartoons
Topic: Skies of Arcadia/Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn duology)/X-Men/Punisher/Super Smash Brothers/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Tales of Symphonia/Dead or Alive/Riviera: The Promised Land/Gears of War
URL: Twenty Warriors: Chapter 22
URL: Twenty Warriors: Chapter 23
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back for more Twenty Warriors! Well, this week, we get to see two chapters that are little more than an extended fight scene.
Yep, you know what this means: there will be lots of skipping this week. Yay!
Anyway, let’s not waste any more time. Let’s get down to business, shall we?
We open our next chapter with this:
Leo finally came to rest in a small area between two walls in an abandoned factory, Fina and Aika finally both letting go of the turtle as he landed on the ground.
Ah, nothing to set the mood quite like clichéd location number 74: the abandoned factory. Nothing quite like it at all!
The sun still had not come out, the moon reigning supreme over New York as the ladies both brushed some dust that had gathered on their clothes. Leo looked ahead to find a factory yard close by with several men wearing clothing that seemed to cover every inch of their bodies from the distance they were at. Leonardo gauged that it must have been two o’clock in the morning, so he took it upon himself to look to the girls.
*adjusts the purple prose glasses*
Thank God for these babies.
Anyway, after this, we get some dialogue about Fina worrying about the Shredder, Leo thinking they can do it, Aika affirming that they’re with Leo to the end, and the fic affirming that yes, it really is running with having The Shredder be one of the final bosses of this piece of shit. It’s not terrible, so I’ll skip it.
After this, they step out into the factory’s yard, and they see Splinter, Don, and Mikey all tied up and bound there. The Shredder appears, and then we get some dialogue with Leo and the Shredder.
“Hm,” he said, Aika and Fina both feeling chills run down their spines as he uttered his first words. “Where is Raphael? The conditions were that the both of you were to come.”
“I don’t know where he is,” replied Leo, the girls noticing a strange kind of hatred that they had never noticed in his voice before. “And if I knew, he wouldn’t be one to miss something like this.”
“Ah,” replied the man who was apparently the Shredder. “Oh well. I can make do with one of the brothers; I can hunt down the other eventually.
It’s really too bad that you’re an Awesome McEvil and you won’t get to live to see that happen, my good friend.
After that, we get some more dialogue where the Shredder notices that the girls are there. He asks them to state their business, and once Aika says they’re Leo’s allies, the good ol’ Shredder asks about the Moon Crystals, and the girls’ appropriately shocked reaction to this prompts Galcian to reveal himself.
Now, what one of these girls should have said: “Wait, how the fuck did you get to here!?”
What Aika actually says:
“Galcian!” cried Aika, surprise eminent in her voice. “What’re you doing here?”
“Why else?” asked the Valuan admiral, Leonardo throwing a confused glance at the two girls. “I come for your crystals.”
“I of course don’t need to tell you how I got here, ‘cause realistic reactions are for pussies!”
“You won’t have them!” shouted Fina. “If you try to take them, we’ll respond with force!”
“Hm, most interesting,” said Galcian as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “You’ve certainly grown quite a bit of bravado since I’ve seen you last. My question is, will you survive with it?”
“Of course!” said Aika, Leonardo beginning to realize what was happening. “We’re not going to lose to you two!”
“In a three against two match where neither of you have tested your strength?” asked the Shredder as he walked to Galcian, the two evil men facing the turtle and his two friends as Galcian tossed his cloak away to reveal armor suited for battle.
Well, they outnumber you, and Leo’s shown he’s your match at his greatest, so I’ll go out on a limb and say “um… yeah?”
Leo drew his two katanas, Aika following suit as she drew her boomerang from within a pouch in her clothes and Cupil unwinding so that it hovered next to Fina’s head.
Holy crap, Aika has just given the SDQF a tangible form! Ah!
“We Blue Rogues never give up!” said Aika quite bravely. “Didn’t Galcian tell you that? We don’t know until we try!”
“Yeah!” cried Leo. “You guys are going to pay for whatever you did to my family!”
Or I guess getting a bunch of clichéd lines about “NGUNS” and shit like that is also in order. I guess that works too.
Anyway, after this, Shredder and Galcian both draw their weapons, they stare at each other for a paragraph of purple prose…
And right before the fight starts, we get a scene change.
Meanwhile, in another part of the abandoned factory, Vyse, Serene, Lina, Ryu, and Largo were busy navigating buildings, the five of the trying to find where they were supposed to be. They were in one of the many buildings, searching hard for signs of coming conflicts and failing. However, as they had scoured the factory for any clues they had found quite a few things that could be used as weapons when used by certain people. After they had found these items, the group decided to take a break in another large area of the building they had taken to searching in, and so the group either rested against the old wall of the wide interior or stood up.
Oh, fuck, it’s the DRD! Quick, Gumdrop, release the army of dancing Zephyrs!
*looks outside, sees the DRD get knocked out be dancers*
Who knew the contretemps de gavotte could have that much kick in it?
“So, where exactly is this supposed to be?” asked Serene, leaning against the grey wall that was decaying with age.
“Don’t ask me,” said Largo with a shrug. “I don’t know either.”
“Lina doesn’t get it…” Lina said his as she laid her bow down on the ground next to where she was sitting by the wall.
“I hope we find them soon,” said Vyse as he stretched his arms out. “Fina, Aika and I have a lot of catching up to do.”
Dammit guys, switch to the Rigadoun! Now!
*ducks behind cover*
Soon enough, the DRD will learn to never, ever underestimate the power of Baroque Dance!
“Well, before that we do need to eliminate some other people,” added Ryu as he stood calmly. “I can’t believe I even got dragged into this…”
And I think Ryu has just channeled the actual reaction that almost all of these characters had upon realizing they were in this fic.
“Well, it’s not like it’s a bad thing,” countered Serene with a shrug. “I mean, your tracking skills got us this far, so we’ve got that to be thankful for.”
“It was probably fate,” said Largo,
Which is the fic’s way of “shut up, it’s what the plot calls for, now roll with it”. Really, there isn’t that much of a difference.
walking up to Ryu and giving him a nice pat on the shoulder. “We’re glad you’re with us.”
“And who knows?” asked Vyse with a shrug. “Maybe we’ll run into this Kasumi you talk about.”
“You’re right,” said Ryu. “Thank you all for–“
Yep, this is all boring dialogue as—
“Galcian!” cried a voice from far away, just faintly enough that everybody in the group could hear it. “What’re you doing here?”
There was a brief silence afterwards, Vyse walking towards the direction the sound was in.
“What is it?” asked Ryu plainly.
“That was Aika!” exclaimed Vyse, pounding a fist into his hand.
Did you just timesquiggle backwards so we could get someone else’s version of the events?
Well, at least it makes the coming Big Damn Heroes moment come from somewhere rather than from absolutely nowhere. It doesn’t make it any less stupid, but I’ll take what I can get.
Anyway, we get some more dialogue, some of which has Vyse ask the requisite question of “how the fuck did Galcian get over there”. Before we can get more lines, though, they ready their weapons and head off in the direction of the shouting.
And then, we cut back to Leo and his friends.
After a relatively long silence, Galcian was the first to move.
Oh, thank God. For a second there, I thought the fic was going to completely skip the fight scene again.
Anyway, after this, it’s basically a protracted fight scene that doesn’t really have much of note in it. Essentially, it’s the same as any other fight scene in this fic: it’s a lot of purple prose, some things are summarized then, they go on and fight, the usual. Leo and the gang fight Galcian and Shredder, they do so with plenty of purple prose…
Well, okay, there is one logic hole that’s worth noting.
Fina stood in the back, closing her eyes as a small magic circle formed on the ground beneath her. Her hair began to fly up from a strange force beneath her, and suddenly when one of Galcian’s sword strikes nicked Leo in the shoulder, the magic circle beneath her took on a greenish hue, and then the cut that resulted was healed up relatively quickly.
So wait, Fina is able to use green moon magic while in New York… despite the fact that it was established in the Underworld that Fina can’t do Arcadia-based magic away from the influence of the moons.
Right ‘cause that makes sense!
And then, of course, we get to the point where Leo and the gang are in a dark spot.
However, an error in one of Cupil’s movements gave the Shredder the time he needed to set up a move that could potentially mess up the other team.
As Leonardo went in for a kick, the Shredder grabbed the foot and quickly began twirling around. Fina only had enough time to fall to the ground before Cupil was violently whacked by the turtle, sending the creature flying so that it hit one of the ninjas that was guarding the exits. The Shredder let go of the turtle, and then Galcian jumped out of the way right before Leo collided with Aika, the two of them falling together in a heap with Aika on top.
Fina had barely risen from her stance to run away as quickly as possible before she found her arm being held by Galcian, the admiral glaring at her with anger ridden in his eyes.
“I must say that you and your friends put up a good fight,” said the Valuan Admiral. “But now your game is up! Give me the moon crystals and you shall live!”
And then it goes on for a bit after this, with the Shredder slashing at everyone and Fina not giving in. We get more stuff to do, and then… well…
We see this:
Galcian quickly rushed forward, but before the blad could hit anybody
Since when did Galcian start hitting people in the face with promotional materials?
the blade was suddenly blocked by a strange force.
Okay, so Galcian’s sword shapeshifts now. Sure, why not?
Galcian barely had time to turn around before a man dressed in all black suddenly sent a katana down on the admiral. He barely dodged it before a strange pain rose up in his other arm. He was barely able to see the ninja star that was embedded in his arm before suddenly, he was thrown to the side by the stranger in black.
Seeing this, Oroku Saki ran over to help, but he suddenly found himself coming face to face with the back of the head of a scythe. This sent the Shredder falling down, and before he could register anything else, he found himself being picked up by a large, muscular man who then proceeded to slam him onto the ground on the other side of him before throwing him right into where Galcian was.
When the two men collided, a fourth person came out, and with a pair of swords he slashed at their armor, finding the blow to be just a little futile. However, he then kicked the two of them away, and they fell onto the ground.
As they were slowly standing up, a girl was suddenly visible high in the air, a bunch of arrows strung in her bow as she let the string go. As the two men stood up, they suddenly found themselves assaulted by arrows, and they were suddenly down on the ground again as one of the arrows zipped past them, curved against the laws of gravity, and embedded itself right into the stake at the other side of the battlefield, thus freeing the two turtles and the rat from their bindings.
This may be the single most drawn-out Big Damn Heroes moment in the history of fanfiction.
Anyway, after this, we get—you guessed it—more fucking dialogue. Aika expresses pleasure that Vyse is back, but he rightly tells her that they’ve got more important things to worry about. (Whether he does it in an IC manner is another story entirely.) We then watch as Don and Mikey… well…
“Hey, you two,” said the large muscular man as he pulled the staff and the nunchuks from behind his back. “Are these yours?”
The two turtles looked at the large man incredulously as he held their weapons.
“Yes, but how did you get them?” asked the purple-masked turtle.
“We found them,” said the blue-clad girl as the large man threw the weapons to the turtles.
Wait, so the weapons that they found (an event that was clearly so important it was just skimmed over by the narration) happened to be Don and Mikey’s weapons? Okay, if that’s the case, how did they know to bring those weapons with them? And if so, how did they know who used which weapon? That strikes me as being awfully convenient. What, did the PCC print a note to them?
Mikey and Don caught their respective weapons, their gazes turning to the Shredder as soon as they found a feel for their weapons.
“There,” said the bulky man. “You’ll need them now.”
‘Cause nothing says ‘excellent fight tactics’ quite like getting people who have spent an undetermined amount of time being tortured/held against their will/underfed, amirite guys?
“Thanks, uh…” said the purple masked turtle.
“Largo,” said the large man.
“We’ll get introductions through later,” said the man in black quickly.
“So, three against two?” asked Leo. “Now it looks like it’s ten against two.”
“Cheaters…” snarled Galcian angrily. “All of you…”
Well, I guess that’s one way of putting it. Kinda funny like that, y’know?
“We are the caretakers of our destinies,” said the man dressed completely in black. “We simply followed the path set to us. And it is apparent you both must be defeated.”
“Of course, it can wait for after this pretentious declamation about fate that has no bearing on anything.”
The orange-haired girl sent a leery glance at the man in black.
“Geez, Ryu,” said the girl somewhat stragely. “Lina doesn’t like that stuff…”
And even the characters seem to realize just how pretentious that was. Damn, it’s really circling the toilet now…
Anyway, after a couple more lines of dialogue, we’re thrown right back into the fray, and this time it becomes a festival of Shredder and Galcian getting their asses kicked. I have no idea why the Shredder doesn’t just call in his ninjas as reinforcements, but that would require the use of logic, and we all know we can’t have that in this piece of shit. But anyway, they go in, kick their asses, and… well…
I’ll just show the death of Galcian:
The shinobi backed off quickly, but before Galcian could gather his bearings again he felt a strong pain surge through his midsection, and when he was able to focus his vision he found that one of Vyse’s cutlasses was embedded deep within his abdomen. As his vision began to swim around him, the Air Pirate shoved Galcian off of his sword and onto the ground as his life ebbed away from him.
And then that of the Shredder:
“Now, I am one for honor, and you know that,” said Leo as he exhaled deeply from the exhilaration of the past fight. “But this is drawing the line, stealing my family behind my back and using that as a way to kill us all. For that, you must die!”
Before the Shredder could say another word, Leo pressed the katana down on the Shredder’s neck as hard as he could, and the severed head of Oroku Saki rolled away from his body, Leo breathing harder and harder as he saw the head roll to a stop within the crater itself.
Yay to needlessly violent and bloody deaths! Woot!
Anyway, that is where Chapter 22 ends. Thank the Lord, skipping all that fight scene was an option. That’ll make our life so much easier, ‘cause guess what? Chapter 23 is exactly the same thing!
Well, with different characters, that is. So let’s get that over with, shall we?
We open the next chapter with this:
“What is going on there?”
“I-I-I don’t know, Ramirez! Calm down while I try to find out!”
“Oh, no you don’t! You won’t stop until I am satisfied. Now work faster!”
Ramirez was quite angry with De Loco, who was trying to examine the warp gate to see what was happening on the other side.
Hm… Well, on the one hand I can see why Ramirez would want to make sure Galcian was all right (you know, what with Ramirez being so close to Galcian after a bunch of backstory-related things). On the other, this is still reinforcing that the dimension-travelling device exists, and the fewer reminders I get of that the better.
Anyway, we then get a bunch of prose where De Loco finally gets the dimension machine to show what’s happening on the other side. We get impressions of that fight, and it goes on long enough for Ramirez to see Galcian get killed.
It was when the blade was thrust into Galcian’s body that De Loco’s warp gate suddenly fizzled out from De Loco keeping the wire in place. With a spark, the entire gate stopped working entirely, leaving a dumbfounded Ramirez staring at nothing as the mad scientist found himself looking at the other admiral and hoping for some sign of mercy from the stoic man.
“N-no!” cried an enraged Ramirez quite suddenly, turning to De Loco. “Turn this gate back on!”
“B-but Sir Ramirez, I-I think th-this gate b-b-broke when I–!”
“I don’t want your excuses!” cried the Silvite, rage and spite flying in his voice. “I will avenge sir Galcian, by putting an end to those people that were there that ended his life!”
Okay, granted, Ramirez does have this attitude in canon when Galcian dies, but this line is still over the top and dumb, y’know?
“Not if we can help it!” said Snake with a smirk.
“And what do you plan to do?” asked Ramirez, who was suddenly very hyper and uncontrollable.
However, to this question, Snake had no reply. He looked to Enrique before shaking his head.
“Don’t make me any angrier than I already am!” cried Enrique. “If I had all the Crystals, I would summon the Rains of Destruction on this world, and the other if I can help it! And you two will be witness to that no matter what you do!”
Wait, why the fuck is Enrique shouting that? It seems odd that he would try to avenge the guy who symbolized everything he didn’t like about Valua, don’t you think?
However, the door that opened out into a nearby hallway was suddenly blown open by an explosion that sent fragments of the door flying very quickly.
Oh hey, it looks like group two of our heroes decided to use one of Link’s bombs to blow up the doorway. Not sure how that works on a wall without a crack in it, but hey, I’ll take it!
Anyway, after this, this merry band of heroes enter and start their engagement with Ramirez, who then jumps into the fray with them because the plot says he has to. They exchange blows, but… well…
I’ll just let the fic itself speak:
Before he could do anything, however, he heard what sounded like something sliding against the ground, and he looked behind him to jump out of the way just as an oversized turtle shell with spikes on it raced towards him, bumping against the altar on which the moon crystals were supposed to stand. He would have moved, but then a young grey-haired youth who was apparently riding behind the turtle shell poked his head out, raised a kendama in the air before the ground below him began to shake. He sidestepped out of the range of the stones that came flying up afterwards, but this caused him to walk straight into a roundhouse kick that was being performed by a rather large mutated turtle.
Before Ramirez hit the ground, he found himself suddenly getting socked in the jaw by a rather short man who apparently liked to wear a lot of red attire. As he was sent reeling back from this blow, he saw another female ninja approach, but he regained his balance quickly enough to dodge what seemed to be a bunch of razor-sharp cards that were swiping at him constantly. However, he felt a sharp feeling in his gut as he was sent reeling.
Yeah, he basically gets owned. What else did you expect with an 8-on-1 battle?
Anyway, after this, Snake recognizes Mario, Link, and Bowser, he asks how they got there, and they talk about how they’re there to help and all that jazz. So of course, they try to treat these guys after setting them free, right?
“We’re fine, thank you,” said Enrique as he gingerly brushed some dust off of his royal garnments. “But we’re unarmed here, and–?”
“Problem solved,” said a grey-haired woman who approached them holding a rapier and a lot of explosives in front of the group. With a nod, Snake took the explosives and a somewhat hesitant Enrique took the rapier.
Nope, ‘cause that would be logical. And as we’ve repeatedly stated, logic has no place in this piece of shit!
Anyway, after this, we get a bunch more dialogue, De Loco joins the fight, and then it just gets into an action scene that goes on and on and on. I won’t subject you to the whole thing, but basically, it boils down to “De Loco gets his head glass thing cracked open, Ramirez gets killed by a Raphael/Kasumi double team, and then the fight ends”.
Really, what else were you expecting?
So then they end the fight, and what do we see?
“Well, that wasn’t too difficult, I guess,” said Bowser.
“Wait, hold on,” said Snake, holding his hand up in front of the koopa king’s face. “Who the hell are these people?”
“Oh, I guess we didn’t have much time to introduce people,” said Link with a nod. “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t worry about it, honestly,” said the crown prince of Valua. “Now, who are you?”
Yep, it’s time for more fucking introductions. ‘Cause clearly, we haven’t had enough of those yet!
“The name’s Raphael,” said the mutated turtle with the sais, raising his three-fingered hand in the air. “I’d like ya ta call me Raph, though.”
“I’m Genis,” volunteered the youth, still with the older woman covering her eyes. “And this annoying lady holding her hand in front of my eyes is my sister, Raine.”
“What did you say?” asked the ruin maniac angrily, pointing her finger at him after removing her hand.
“G-gah!” cried Genis as he ran so he could hide behind the altar. “I take it back! I take it back!”
Well, it turns out that this fic didn’t need Frank Castle for bickering to exist, ‘cause these characters have found another way to bicker about bullshit for most of the fic’s running time. Yay!!!!
“Good lord,” said the woman in the blue dress as she shook her head.
Also, I was not aware that Kasumi’s clan subscribed to Christianity rather than to Shinto or any other Eastern religions. Seems a little odd to me, but hey, obviously Herr Dumbass was the master of that kind of bullshit!
So after a couple more lines of dialogue, Mario asks where they should go next. They then mention the dimensional traveler thingamabob, and one of them is all “let’s wake up De Loco or something”. Which isn’t a bad plan if he’s still awake, but… well, I wouldn’t think he is. The glass thing that his head was in… Um… Not sure that would’ve worked at all.
“We need to wake up the mad scientist,” said Enrique with a slight groan as he walked over to De Loco.
“Or not,” said Raine, suddenly distracted by the machine that was in front of her.
Before anybody in the group could move, the professor was already on the machine, fiddling around with it as Snake and Enrique both stared at each other before reaching for her.
“Raine, wait!” cried out the FOXHOUND agent nervously.
But before the two of them even laid their hands on the half-elf, the black mass that was the dimensional gate suddenly appeared again, and the two of them stared at it for the longest time before sighing in defeat.
“I guess she got it to work?” asked Bowser.
“Yep,” said Snake somewhat distastefully.
Wait, so De Loco, the guy who built the goddamn thing, has a tough time trying to get it to work earlier in the chapter, but Raine is able to do stuff with it when she has never fucking seen this thing before!?
“And what the hell is this thing supposed ta do anyway?” asked a rather peeved Raphael.
“It’s supposed to be a dimensional gate,” said Enrique as he looked to the mutated turtle.
“As in, we go-a through and-a meet-a more people?” asked Mario elatedly.
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” said Sheena. “Let’s go.”
“Got it,” said Snake, being the first one to walk into the portal.
“Yes, let’s enter the dimensional portal that goes into some place we don’t know that may have hostile enemies there and/or may be unsuitable to live in. Surely, that is a brilliant plan!”
Well, it would be par for course in this story, so you know what? It’s whatever at this point.
Anyway, Chapter 23 goes on beyond this point, but honestly, the final chapter of this fic is so short I can just tack the next scene of Chapter 23 onto it and it won’t affect too much. Either way, that doesn’t change one significant little fact: next week will be the last installment of this shitfest!
And thank God for that. I’ve been itching for new snarking material for a while, and now I think I’ve finally found it. So you’ll see what happens with that soon.
For now, I’m Herr Wozzeck. I’ll see you guys next week when we finally end the horrible, contrived mess that is Twenty Warriors.