548: Terra’s story – Chapters One and Two

Title: Terra’s story
Author: Zho500
Media:  Video Game
Topic:  Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn duology)
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: Terra’s story: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gents, and welcome to another week at the Library of the Damned! Today, I bring you another multi-chaptered fic that is so short it should really be considered a oneshot. And hey, if we’re going to cleanse our palate with something, we might as well do it with a different Fire Emblem fanfic, y’know? So open wide, patrons, ‘cause this one…

…well, it should tell you everything that this was one of the first fics I told the Librarians about. Huh, interesting.

Well, getting things from the backlog is fun, so let’s get to it, shall we?

Thankfully, unlike certain other FE fanfiction that is horrible and unreadable, this one just decides to forgo the author’s note, and gets right into the action.

Naesala was flying to a laguz king meeting when something flew into him in a panic.

A “laguz king meeting”? Um… right. Why not just call it a political conference? You know, ‘cause that’s what this is, technically!

But eh, it’s semantics. So, what did he bump into?

He dropped a little ways and caught it before it hit the ground and saw it was a teenage laguz. It looked like one of his kind, but it had cat ears and a tail and body.

Wait, hold on. So if it had cat ears and a tail and body (*snerk*), then how did it look anything like what Naesala looks like? I just… what?

Also, I think we’ve just met the story’s resident Mary Sue.

“What the Heck?” he said as it took off running and he grabbed its hind leg to stop it from getting away.

And by now it’s starting to run away… in the air, since it never landed or fell on the ground, and since Naesala somehow grabbed her while saying “what the heck”.

*glances to the side*

Yo, patrons, do any of you have Tinker Bell’s number? I think someone stole some of her world-famous pixie dust.

“Let me go, I never hurt you and if I did I didn’t mean too.” It said, frantic as it went into its beorc form, revealing that it was a young female with dark brown, all most black hair.

Wait, what? She was transformed when she said that? But laguz can’t talk when transformed! They only make their respective animal sounds in their transformed state! And wait, was Naesala also in his transformed state? Then how’d he grab this strange laguz in the first place? And if he wasn’t, how’d he manage to stop her? And if he was, how’d he tell her to calm down!? I just…

What the hell am I looking at?

*headdesk*

“Relax; I’m not going to hurt you. Lets’ land so we can talk. I am Naesala, ex king Kilvas.” He said as he dodged her franticly flapping golden wings and let her go.
“I am Terra, princess of the Winged Ones.” She said as she dropped and gently landed on a rock, obviously shaken.

The “Winged Ones”? Wait, what the hell are the winged ones?

“Are you running from someone? What is a winged one anyway.” he asked,

Well, at least Naesala decided to ask about that. Thank Goodness for that.

curiosity in his dark gold eyes as he landed nearby.

Ah! Shit! His eyes have been replaced with balls of fool’s gold! Quick, patrons, get the scalpel, we’ll have to do an eye surgery on him stat!

“A winged one is a winged cat who sometimes has more than one pair of wings.

Pardon?

“A winged one is a winged cat who sometimes has more than one pair of wings. I only have one pair, but my father and brother have six pair.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Okay, author, let me give you a brief lesson on physically possible anatomy as it relates to the avian species of this earth. Clearly, you need it more than anybody else in this Library.

You see this? This is an anatomical sketch of the skeletal structure of a bird’s wing.

Now, you see how much space that takes up? That’s just one wing. One. You want us to believe that these laguz can have up to six pairs of these damn things. For these wings to be put on the average human torso, you’re going to have to put these pairs of wings pretty close to each other. So my immediate question is this: how the hell do these six-pair forms fold their wings up without putting themselves in excruciating pain every time they do!?

And on top of that, where on the skeleton are you putting those extra five pairs? Here, let me show you another image so you can see my point:

See? This is the skeletal anatomy of a bird’s entire body.

Technically, the wing of a bird is like a human arm, given that the bone structure of the wing is similar to that of the human arm. Now, with the bird laguz and even your one-pair variety of the Winged Ones, we can handwave their skeletal structure since their only pair of wings is located very close to their shoulders at the top of the body, and further, that bird wings don’t technically require a shoulder blade. But what you’re asking us to believe with the six-pair form of these things is that, technically, these people somehow evolved with seven sets of shoulders! Where the hell do these shoulders attach on the human body? ‘Cause I doubt you can fit more than four sets of ‘em on the human spine and still come up with stuff!

And then you have to add muscle mass and feathers and the fucking nervous system to that to create those wings! And those things add mass, as I’m sure you’ve probably noticed with the first of the two pictures I showed! So again, how the fuck do those six pairs of wings fit on the body!? It’s not even that there’s no precedent for birds with multiple pairs of wings, ‘cause some species of early bird did in fact have two pairs of wings. But here’s the thing: the second pair of wings were on the legs! Since you have a variety of these “winged ones” that have only one pair, I have a very distinct feeling that this is not what you’re going for here, not to mention that even if you did think of it in that way you’d have to fit four extra pairs of wings between the two! And then, you know, there’s the fact that most of these species were gliding species rather than species that achieved true flight, and that, in terms of evolution, all of those species eventually ditched the leg wings. Aside from the evolutionary implications of that, it only lends credence to the theory that something with six pairs of wings would not be a very efficient flier.

Which brings me to my next point. Sure, you might think that there’s an easy solution to that: just make the wings small for the six-wing form. But that doesn’t account for a major issue that is brought up that, while it’s not entirely anatomical in concept, it’s still pretty important to think about in terms of avian anatomy.

You might think “but Herr, the wingspan can just lengthen and it’ll be okay to shorten the wings”. Actually, that’s not the case. See, the wing size of your average bird that’s capable of flight varies quite a bit depending on what species of bird you’re talking about. Mostly, this is because wing length isn’t the most important part: you can have a shorter wingspan, but you have to make up for it by having the appropriate amount of chord, or width on the wing. Both of those things calculated together make up the aspect ratio of the bird’s wing, or the area that is actively acting to generate lift on a flying object. This aspect ratio tends to vary between birds depending on what each bird’s evolution dictated.

See, predatory birds have generally evolved with a lower aspect ratio to allow for greater maneuverability when catching prey. This means their wings are shorter on wingspan, but longer on chord. By lengthening your wingspan and shortening the chord, you’re essentially raising the aspect ratio of the wing: what this does is that it actually changes the way the bird flies. High aspect ratio birds are birds that are more adept at gliding, and you’ve essentially turned your flying laguz into the equivalent of a seagull. Which, fine, you can handwave that as a separate form of the Winged One laguz as being “oh, they’re related the way heron and raven laguz are”, but that completely ignores that such a function on a flying cat would be completely counterintuitive for being a predatory cat with wings! You know, something that would require you to have intense maneuverability!

And you want to know what the really crazy thing about all this is? I’ve gone into all this, and we haven’t even touched what might happen when you transform to your winged cat form! Yeah, all this discussion of physically possible anatomy only applies to the beorc form!

So what you’ve got here is a new form of laguz that is completely impractical in every way, and that probably looks like the most fucking ridiculous thing ever conceived even if there is a way to make all this work out anatomically! You, author, have completely failed at basic anatomy!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Can someone please tell authors like this that even the Rule of Cool has its limits?

*headdesk*

Jesus Christ on a pikestaff, all that over one sentence of stupidity. Let’s just move on…

There is a war going on between each of the clans. My father and brother are trying to kill me cause I’m the leader of the single pairs, and could very well be the last of the single pairs.” Terra said, her silver eyes betraying her nervousness.

Okay, first off… Dammit, I think our resident Sue needs an eye surgery as well. Ninjas! Get on that!

Secondly… Okay, so your father and brother are trying to kill you because you’re the leader of the single pairs. Here’s my question:  why are they trying to kill the single pairs? What possible  motivation could they have for that? Motivation, Sue! Tell us that!

Thirdly… Wait, so you’re the leader of the single pairs, and yet you could be the last of the single pairs. Well, then how the hell are you the leader of the single pairs? You know, ‘cause your status as “leader” implies that there are other single pairs for you to lead in the first place! You can’t be the leader of the single pairs and then be one of the last ones!

But hey, the floor is open for Naesala to ask these questions, right?

“Hmm, we should take this to the laguz kings. They may be willing to help. If you’ll trust me that is.” Naesala said as he went back into his raven form

Nope! Screw questions! There is no way that anyone on the continent of Tellius would want to know why the hell he’s doing this in the first place! I mean, granted, he’d be a dick if he said no regardless, but I’m sure some background would actually help them against…

Hey, wait a fuck! If this Sue flew into Naesala in a panic, then wouldn’t that imply that she was being chased by something? Where the hell did it go? What, did it see Naesala there and decide “ah, screw it, I’ll leave her alone now because we need her to explain the plot of this turkey”? What the hell?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

and she went into her gold and silver winged cat form.

And dear me, she went into this. I know that Fire Emblem uses implausible hair colors considering that it’s, you know, Fire Emblem and all that, but specifically “gold and silver”? Is her fur literally made of precious metals or something? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that even the Japanese would find something impractical about “gold and silver” hair.

“Aren’t you one?” Terra asked, tilting her small head in a curious manner.

“Ex-king, I resigned.” Naesala said going into his Raven form.

And author, I hate to remind you of this, but transformed laguz don’t fucking speak!

“And still they want me to come to their meetings. I guess it’s a good thing I was heading to one. They’ll probably ask me why I’m late, and may react a little roughly to you. They’re just cautious, so don’t take offense.”

You know, I’d ask why they’d be cautious about that, but then I remembered that Naesala is kind of like a mercenary in that you can get him to betray his fellow laguz if you wave a bag of gold in his face. And then I remembered that they forgave him for that, and promptly forgot about his traitorous ways in time for it to be a somewhat important plot point for Radiant Dawn. Where they then proceeded to forgive him ‘cause that turned out to be a case of Naesala signing a contract of which he didn’t read the fine print.

“I won’t.” Terra said spreading her wings as Naesala took to the air.

Tibarn looked agitated. Naesala was late again.

Um… Hold on, was Tibarn standing right there the whole time? Then wait, why didn’t he come out of the woodwork and show Naesala “hey, the meeting ground is over here!” That seems like a bit of a dick move on Tibarn’s part, really. Seriously, is he just going to let them circle around the area and then make the others wait a bit? That just seems unnecessarily nasty of him.

He looked up as he saw Naesala land with some weird winged cat thing. “Naesala, take that thing back wherever you got it.” He said, irritation in his golden eyes as Naesala landed and reverted into his beorc form and ran a hand through his long, neat, dark blue hair.

Yup, he’s definitely being unnecessarily nasty right about now. You know, ‘cause the king of Phoenecis was totally known for how much of a jerk he was!

“I came here to ask for your guys’ help.” Terra said quietly, going into her beorc form.

“Well, that’s a different story. Sit young one.” Caineghis said, pulling out a chair beside him.

Wait, hold on.

No way. This conversation literally went like this:

“Get that lady out of here!”

“But I need your help!”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so, come on over and we’ll see what we can do!”

*headdesk*

I mean, granted, that was a different character, but still! I just… holy shit, I never thought I’d ever see that conversation used in such an exact context! Ever!

Terra nodded and sat.

“What’s your name any way?” he asked.

“Um, I’m Terra, Princess of the winged ones.” Terra said, obviously very nervous.

“What the heck’s a winged one?” Tibarn asked as he shook his head and his shoulder length, messy black hair went flying everywhere.

*ducks down*

Ack! Get it away! I’m not planning on being devoured by flying hair! Get it away! Get it away!

Oh, and someone defend SC! I get the feeling the flying hair might try to eat his face off!

“A winged beast laguz. They are separated into different clans depending on how many pairs of wings they have. Terra, unlike her father and brother, is what they call a single pair. Her father and brother are six pair.” Dheiginsea said as he came in. “And I apologize for being late.”

“Dheiginsea, it’s been a long time.” Terra said both excitedly and happily.

*tilts his head to the side*

Who the hell is Dheiginsea? Is he… Is he that random cat guy who stumbled into the bar drunk and was too stupid to realize that the laguz kings wanted nothing to do with him so they dragged him along?

Huh. I wondered why a certain someone had decided to show up with no gold and no… well, much of anything else, really. Including clothes. With onions.

“Yes it has been. You didn’t even have your animal form last time I saw you. You’ve gotten big on me.

Wait, the story means “Dheginsea”, doesn’t it?

*headdesk* *headdesk*

Okay, if Naesala is the “ex-king” of the Kilvas crows, then this probably would place us after the events of Radiant Dawn, since the bird laguz regaining the Serenes Forest would undo the need to live at Phoenicis/Kilvas! And that would be the time when Naesala would resign! How the fuck is Dheginsea still alive!? Dheginsea should be a corpse rotting away in the Tower of Guidance, and yet he’s… somehow cavorting with the other laguz?

And wait, you know, this actually brings up another really good question: where the fuck do these winged beast laguz live that the dragon laguz are the only ones that know anything about them!? I just… what? I mean, with the wolf laguz, they at least lived on the other side of the continent, so you could excuse these guys not knowing anything about them. But not only do we not know where these winged beast guys come from, there’s nowhere on the map of Tellius that this author can put them! Literally, it’s like these winged beasts jumped in from the middle of fucking nowhere!!

Sheesh, I’ve seen other people come up with new types of laguz (I once beta’d a fic that was planning on introducing the concept of the griffon laguz), and even they knew you couldn’t just handwave this shit! I just…

Why!? Who the fuck are these things, where the fuck are they, and why the fuck should we care about a Mary Sue who has absolutely zero personality at this juncture!?

Just move on, please!

Now, what brings you here?” He asked gently, dark eyes softening.

“My brother and father are after me. They massacred the single pair clan. I may be the last of the single pairs.”

Oh, so they just massacred the single pair clan of these winged ones! Oh gee, this is information we could’ve used a lot earlier, you thick bint!

*headdesk*

Terra said, looking down ashamed when Skrimir put a hand on her shoulder. “That is nothing to be ashamed of.” He said as she looked in his fiery red eyes.

“It’s not?” Terra asked and Skrimir shook his head. “Okay then.” She said,

Wait, what? Her entire clan has just been murdered, her father and brother are trying to kill her, she’s in a place she probably knows absolutely nothing about, and she’s ashamed? I mean, sure, maybe she’s ashamed that she couldn’t defend her clan, but considering that we’re not given any context for what she’s feeling ashamed about, we have to assume that she’s ashamed about needing to ask help? What…?

*headdesk*

Also… You know, the SDQF has been hard at work spitting out these royals into the Formless Void at the moment. First Caineghis and Dheginsea were vomited up by the SDQF, and now Skrimir has randomly appeared. It almost makes me wonder who else would be crazy enough to try to get vomited up by the—

suddenly, her father and brother came in

And of course the SDQF spat out a pair of Awesome McEvils!

Wait, it spat out a pair of Awesome McEvils!

Shit, Crunchy, get your Sith Raptor ass up here, I think we’ve got a few live ones!

and Naesala stepped in-between them and her as Tibarn and Reyson stiffened, obviously having run into them earlier.

Wait, Tibarn ran into them earlier? Then why didn’t he say anything about that when Mary Sue over there talked about it!? And you know, you can’t even say that Tibarn forgot they existed, ‘cause how the fuck could you forget about the existence of two men that have six pairs of wings!?!? I just… He bumped into Mary Sue’s dad and he didn’t think to mention it immediately?

Either this author is lazy as hell, or Tibarn really has been replaced with a complete dick. Knowing our luck, he probably got replaced by a Senator from Begnion or someone like that.

*shrug*

Ah, well, if the Awesome McEvil is here, this is probably going to result in a fight scene, right? It’s way, way, way too early for an epic fight scene considering that this is only the first chapter, but hey, if she’s going to set it up this author might as well go all the way with it, right?

“Get out of our way.” Rhauxxus, her father snarled but Naesala shook his head and Rhauxxus looked ready to strike him, when he saw the position that Caineghis was in and thought better of it. “You’re lucky you have friends here, but if you ever come to our territory in the far north again, you will be killed, slowly.” He growled at her, his dark brown eyes shining menacingly, as he and his son went out and everyone relaxed.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

I just… wow. Patrons, do I really have to tell you just how fucking stupid that was?

“Whew, that was a tense situation.

If by “tense” you mean “as tense as watching a snail eat a leaf”, then yeah, I’d say that this was a pretty tense situation.

*headdesk*

Let’s just keep going.

Looks like you’re stuck with us for the time being.

I think you meant “we’re stuck with you”, Dheginsea. But hey, I can understand the Sue-induced confusion. Happens to the best of us, y’know?

Now to find a place for you to stay.” Dheiginsea said, shaking his bald head.

“I hear there’s a perfectly serviceable cardboard box right at the shoreline of Phoenecis that’s rather nice this time of year.”

“Nicely done Naesala. I never knew you’d have the guts standing up to someone like that.” Tibarn said as he came to stand beside the raven, whose black wings were twitching uneasily.

“Neither did I. But Terra needed the protection, and the knowledge that someone was on her side.” Naesala said with a slight smile at Terra.

I don’t know about that, Naesala. From what we’ve seen of our so-called bad guy’s behavior so far, he’s about as threatening as a newborn puppy.

“Thanks. But I’m afraid that I have put you guys in much danger.

Oh, is the little newborn puppy trying to suckle your breast? Hey, get over it, lady, it just wants to lick you in the face! It’s not something to be afraid of, you know!

Really, I’m not sure why you’re all worried.

My father and brother have not been themselves lately, and I plan to find out why.” Terra said with a sigh as she stood up.

Oh, so you mean that there was a time where they were truly vicious Awesome McEvils, then? I don’t know if you want to find out why they changed into the least threatening bad guys on the planet, and I have absolutely zero idea on why you’d want them to return to their former, terrifyingly evil selves, but hey: whatever you want. It’s not like we can really say we don’t want it, anyway, considering that you’re a Mary Sue and all that.

“You should wait a while to make them think that you’ve settled down to live here.” Skrimir said as he pushed some of his long red hair out of his face.

And this is going to be helpful to Terra-Sue’s cause… how, exactly? If the daddy and brother think she’s gonna settle there, wouldn’t it stand to reason that it would just mark a massive target on her back? All they’d need to do is wait for her to be completely alone, and then they could just, you know, attack her when none of you are around to defend her! And hey, it’s easier to plan an attack on someone when you know they’re going to stay in the same place!

Although… Would that really be the case, considering how not-threatening the dad is…?

Hm… Actually, when taking that into account… Yeah, Skrimir has a bit of a point there.

“If that would be okay with you guys.” Terra said, looking at him shyly.

“It would be fine.” Tibarn said with a slight smile as he ruffled her hair.

“It’s not like I have a choice, you know. Darn Sues and their gathering around me as if I was some sexy hawk god… Um, why’s that one beorc man over there staring at my chest?”

She hissed in protest to that and he laughed as Caineghis put a hand on her shoulder.

“My nephew and I will show you to the guest sleeping quarters if you don’t mind. You look exhausted.” He said gently.

“Yes, sleep would be good right now. And I am exhausted.” She said sleepily.

“Then follow us.” Skrimir said and she followed him and Caineghis to the guest sleeping quarters, claimed the first unclaimed one and went to sleep.

And that is where the first chapter ends.

Right. Interns, come in here!

Interns?

*gets up, looks outside, and sees that the interns are all sleeping in pre-placed sleeping bags*

Huh… They all fell asleep. Interesting. I figured they’d be more alert while looking at all the blatant sins against good literary technique.

*shrug*

Ah, well, to each their own. Let’s get started with the next chapter, shall we?

Our next chapter opens with this disclaimer:

Authors note: I do not own Fire Emblem or it’s characters. All I own are the winged ones and the red furs (not the lion laguz). Thank you.

The “red furs”, huh? It’s a good thing we never meet one of these so-called “red furs”, otherwise we might just get another case of terrible, terrible anatomy.

Anyway, after that, the next chapter begins with this:

Terra slept comfortably on the bed that was in the guest bedroom she had claimed the night before snuggled under the blankets and had her head buried deep into the pillow.

Wait, hold on. So the bed that Terra was sleeping on snuggled under the blankets and suddenly acquired a gender before putting its head beneath a pillow that grew to size? What…?

*headdesk*

Caineghis came by and saw this. “Poor thing, she’s uterly exhausted. She must have flown a long way in a matter of days with very little sleep.”

“She’s still asleep?” Skrimir asks quietly as he approaches his uncle, who nods.

“She is indeed, she’s uterly exhausted.

*SIREN BLARES*

Oh dammit, there’s the DRD again! Crap!

*ducks under the desk*

They’re never going to see it coming…

*hears the sounds of arrows being released*

Ah, there are the booby-trapped hallways. Wonders never cease with those things, y’know?

Though from the way she’s twitching I think she’s waking up.”

“Should I go get her something to eat from the cooking fires?” Skrimir asks quietly as she starts to stir.

“Yes, do, but don’t wake the whole place this time.” Caineghis whispered with a sigh.

Wait, what? I’m pretty sure that it was established in one of the support conversations in Path of Radiance that the predatory laguz are perfectly capable of eating raw meat, and in fact prefer their meat uncooked. On top of that, some fanfics have actually made it a cultural thing where you’re seen as weak if you eat a cooked piece of meat. Granted, that’s more fanon than canon, but either way, it begs the question of why these laguz kings would need fires to cook with if they can digest raw meat and are really more predatory cats than anything else. That just strikes me as incredibly odd, y’know?

Skrimir nodded and left, soon returning with a plate full of food as she opened her eyes slowly and looked around unsure. “Don’t tell me you forget where you are all ready.” he says quietly and she jumped a little bit.

“No, I know where I am, I’m just a little uneasy in the morning.” she says quietly and respectfully.

“Uh, well, here.” he says, putting the plate on her lap and turning to walk away

Wait a minute… Is this…

Is this the author’s attempt to ship her Sue with Skrimir?

*headdesk*

Oh c’mon, author! Your fic already has enough problems, it doesn’t need a badly written romance to add to those problems! Never mind that Skrimir is not the kind of character who gets nervous on the fact that he’s a loud, confident leader even when he mellows out throughout Radiant Dawn, this is just bad romance! Can someone please end the ship before it even sets sail?

but his uncle stops him.

“I have some questions to ask her. It would be best if you were hear to learn how to treat a female.” he said gently.

Thank you, Caineghis! Man, count on the older laguz royal to actually be the one with some sanity around here, yeah?

She looked up startled as he approached her. “May I help you?” she asks uneasily as they approach.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but I have some things that I want to ask you.” Caineghis said gently as he took the plate from Skrimir and but it on the nightstand beside her.

She ate a piece of meat hungrily and looked at him uneasily. “What do you want to ask?” she replied uneasily.

“Has the tribes of your people all ways had animosity towards each other?” he asks gently as she gets another piece of meat from the plate.

I take that back.

Caineghis, were you paying any attention at the end of the previous chapter? ‘Cause if you did, you should’ve been able to pick up that no, they were not always this evil to each other from the fact that she said they were not acting like themselves! Hello! Earth to Caineghis!

“No, they haven’t. They had friendly rivalries until the red furs appeared and started mind controlling the leaders of the tribes.” she said as she continued to eat hungrily.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Wait, hold on, Terra-Sue. Where you paying any attention to what you said last chapter? You know, ‘cause if you did, you’d remember that you implied that you didn’t know why your daddy and your brother were behaving the way you did! And now suddenly you know everything about why your daddy and your brother are trying to kill you!

Consistency? What’s that!?

*sigh*

Okay, so we have these… “red fur” things that are running around biting people, and this Sue has said that they can mind control people. So… how does it work?

“Did they use magic?” Caineghis asked with a sigh and she shook her head.

*headdesk*

Caineghis, you’re a laguz. Not just that: you’re also one of the laguz royals. Therefore, you should know just as well as I do that, with the sole exception of the white dragons, laguz do not use magic. And yes, I know you can magically shapeshift or whatever, but that’s not linked to magic in the sense with which you might be familiar with it! So why the fuck would you think that magic would be behind it?

“No, it has something to do with their saliva, or something in their saliva that makes them able to mind control those they bite.” she said with a sigh, trembling a little.

Oh, right, ‘cause mind control via magic makes a lot more sense than whatever the fuck that is. Hey, Terra, here’s a suggestion: just fly away from the monsters! Unless they have amazing jumping skills that you haven’t told us about yet, I doubt they can bite you when you’re hovering above them!

*headdesk*

“And were your father and brother bit?” Caineghis asks gently.

“Yes, me and them were out on patrol of our borders when we were jumped and my brother and father shielded me from their teeth.

Actually, no, you know what? I take that back. Yeah, actually these red furs are quite a bit more intelligent than they seem at first. I mean… Damn, I wouldn’t have thought about going after the variety of “winged ones” that can’t really fly due to having way too many wings on their body, but hey, I gotta give ‘em props for thinking of that first.

I had no choice but to run cause there’s no way to combat them without being bitten yourself.” she says, shaking violently.

Hm… You know, my Mary Sue-ese isn’t what it used to be, but I got an opportunity to brush up on that thanks to Aion-Sue. So with that said, I think that what Terra-Sue is saying is this:

“I needed a reason to fight against these things, and I needed an easy-made Dragon McEvil for the purpose of this story, so I became a total coward and fled because I couldn’t think of anything else to do.”

And you know, part of the problem is that we have no idea what the fuck you’re fighting here! You want to know why? Because we don’t know what these red furs look like, apart from the fact that they apparently have red fur! And don’t give us any excuses about “but I didn’t see them”. Bullshit, you didn’t see them! If you were able to see their red fur, and you were able to see them bite your daddy and your brother, then you should be able to tell us what the fuck they look like!

You know what? From now on, I’m going to say that the red furs look like this and leave it at that:

Caineghis softens a little. “I am sorry, I did not mean to bring back bad memories.” he says gently as she grabbed another piece of meat from her plate and bit into it.

“It’s all right, you would’ve found out sooner or later.” she says quietly, looking at the ground ashamed

Hm… You know, I think I know why this Sue keeps delaying when she feeds the plot of this turkey to the rest of the characters. She just doesn’t give a flying fuck about much of anything around here.

*sigh*

Well, at least she didn’t take the Aion-Sue route of lying to everyone just long enough for it to epically blow up in her face. You really can’t fault her for being direct and honest to the laguz kings, you know?

when Skrimir gently put his hand under her chin and raised her head to look him in the eye.

“There is no shame in doing as you did. I am especially glad you did.” he said gently as he removed his hand from under her chin.

Skrimir, what the fuck are you doing? I mean, Jesus, man! You’ve known about her existence for less than a day, you know basically nothing about her as a person, you have had exactly zero full conversations with her, and the only times you’ve ever interacted with her are in the company of others. All that is true, and you’re already cupping her chin in your hand as if you’ve known each other intimately for some time!

Slow down, big guy! Slow down!

“U thanks.

*headdesk*

Oh great, and Terra-Sue is using text-speak now! Just fucking brilliant. I’d attempt to translate this to actual English, but it’s really not worth it ‘cause even I’ll be damned if I can tell you what she’s trying to say.

When I ran I had three others with me. Skye, Fallah and Rontu. A storm separated us and I’m quite worried about Fallah, she’s only a kitten.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll find her.

Okay, author, you need to stop for two seconds and take a break. So far, we have Terra-Sue here, who has basically been little more than Miss Exposition throughout her entire time in this fic. I know almost nothing about this person, except that she’s apparently a royal and that she’s a new type of laguz that has never been heard of on Tellius. That is it. I have no idea why I should root for her, I have no idea why I should care about what she’s feeling, and above all, I have no idea why she should be the protagonist. I know basically nothing about her as a person, and because of this I have no reason to root for her, or to care about the trouble she’s in.

Here’s an idea, author: maybe you should, I don’t know, establish her as a character with personality and all that other good stuff before you concern yourself with throwing more original characters into the story!

Where did you guys get separated?” Caineghis said gently.

Terra stopped eating and thought for a while. “Near a desert several days back. I hope the little thing’s not starving out there somewhere.”

Whoah, she went through a desert? Hm… Well, considering that Gallia is pretty close by, they could mean that they went through the—

“Skrimir, send a message to Nailah and ask her if she’s found a very young cat-bird laguz mix.” Caineghis said gently yet firmly and Skrimir nodded before leaving.

“Whoa’s Nailah?” Terra asks curiously.

“Nailah is from the other side of the desert and knows it well. If your friend’s there, she’ll know where to find her. She’s a wolf Laguz.” he says gently.

Wait, what!?

Caineghis, she just told you that they went through a desert several days ago! Several days, not several months! The desert where Nailah and the other wolf laguz live is on the other end of the continent of Tellius! Hey, here’s a thought, Caineghis: maybe Terra and her friends went through the Grann Desert! You know, that desert that’s in the middle of fucking Begnion and is much closer to Gallia? I mean, Terra didn’t help with telling you which desert, I’ll give you that, but you’re an idiot to assume that it’s the only desert that Terra would go through considering that the Grann Desert hid the Laguz Emancipation Army!

“Thank you. You all have done so much to help me.” Terra says quietly.

Bullshit, Terra! He was about as helpful as Senator Valtome might’ve been!

*headdesk*

Oh God, the stupid, it burns!

*sigh*

Well, at least it hasn’t hit If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say levels of stupid yet. I’ll take my victories where I can get them.

“It’s no problem. You need people on your side, and when the time comes for you to face the red furs as you call them, we’ll be there to help you, even though you probably regard me and my nephew as red furs as well.” he says gently.

“Your fur is similar, but your manner is not. I can also tell by your teeth you do not have their saliva, of which I am thankful.” she says quietly.

Hm… Y’know, while this is a plot thread that could’ve been explored so much more, I can actually see the beginnings of a good story idea in there. It’s a real shame that it gets squandered in one awkwardly written conversation, but you know what? There was at least the kernel of a good concept there.

Well, at least there was that, even through all the anatomy fail.

“I should hope not, and even if I did, I would not use it in the manner they do.” he says gently.

“I don’t know. It is rumored that their own saliva drives them to do what they do.” she says quietly.

Oh great, is this another one of Izuka’s plans? It would be completely in character for Izuka to do something like this, don’t get me wrong, but seriously! How many plans can a single guy perpetrate, especially when he’s dead!?

“If that is true, then I too am thankful that I do not have it.” he says as he turns and leaves. “Rest and eat now, you will need your strength for any battle that is yet to come.” and walks out.

And Terra-Sue was never heard from again!

*nods*

Well, patrons, we worked through this fic. It actually wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be, either. Yeah, actually, this was a good one to cleanse my palate with. Huh. Who’d have thought?

Eh, I guess you know how it is. Next week, we’ll continue with more short fics, though not necessarily a oneshot. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and I’ll see you guys next week with something that may be the single most pretentious fic I’ve ever snarked at.


29 Comments on “548: Terra’s story – Chapters One and Two”

  1. SC says:

    Yo, patrons, do any of you have Tinker Bell’s number? I think someone stole some of her world-famous pixie dust.

    Hmm, not me, but Booky has the Friend To All Creatures personality trait, so he’s probably got some connections.

    Book Specs, being helpful: …!

    Oh yeah, he almost never talks.

    So, uh, the number is 1-800-NVR-LAND. I guess Tinkerbell runs an agency or something.

  2. SC says:

    Wait, what? She was transformed when she said that? But laguz can’t talk when transformed! They only make their respective animal sounds in their transformed state!

    Sooo, these guys are misplaced Animorphs, then?

    (Oh my dear Christ, I feel so old for mentioning that.)

  3. SC says:

    The “Winged Ones”? Wait, what the hell are the winged ones?

    The Winged Ones, according to my rendition of them, are my previously-described (in another fic) race of pseudo-angel bird-men known as angelborn.

    “Winged Ones” is the nickname given to them by elves. (“Mirawen” is the term in their native tongue.)

    Oh, this is so painful for me…

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh shit… I get the feeling you’re gonna flip out in three… two… one…

      • SC says:

        No no, it’s fine.

        *SC removes his glasses and fires eye lasers into Specs’ skill as he walks in, resulting in a hideous head-splosion*

        There, I’ve vented now. And he’ll be fine, so no harm done.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          *looks at the spawn point*

          Dude, you might want to start running. He was closest to the Terminator spawn point, man…

      • SC says:

        Even if he was, he won’t know what to do with it and probably just end up killing himself again.

        Specs uses his memory function of his brain for additional hammerspace storage, see.

        And as he found out, without being able to remember anything for any period of time, logic and learning kind of mean nothing to him.

  4. SC says:

    A winged one is a winged cat who sometimes has more than one pair of wings. I only have one pair, but my father and brother have six pair.

    Motherfucking god damn fuck, I thought we were done with the bullshit anime wings thing!

    Oh man, Ghostie’s gonna flip a bitch…

    (And I’m in no way surprised at the amount of mutilation to the body required to logically have the anime-standard six wing combo.)

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I think you mean Lyle there. I imagine the resident zoologist would have more than a few things to say about that.

      • SC says:

        I do also mean Ghostie, though, because she had to deal with a fic that had bullshit wings, if I’m not mistaken.

        Also, my phone very conveniently autocorrected “bullshit anime wings” to “bullshit anime wrongs.” In this, we agree.

    • At least they weren’t angel wings, which would have sent me into a twitch-fit. One of my cats is curled up beside me and I’ve been trying to figure out how anyone could cram six pairs of wings, even tiny vestigial ones, onto her body but then she woke up and bit me so that pretty much ended my pondering.

      • SC says:

        I was giving my cat a good hard stare too, trying to figure it out.

        She looked up and gave me a “Seriously, bro, fuckin’ WHAT?” glare, so I left her alone.

  5. SC says:

    Oh, and someone defend SC! I get the feeling the flying hair might try to eat his face off!

    I’m sorry, WHAT?!

    Oh, FUCK no!

    *SC picks up and bodily hurls Specsinator at the flying hair. For no discernable reason, they both explode on contact*

  6. TacoMagic says:

    I have no idea why I should root for her, I have no idea why I should care about what she’s feeling, and above all, I have no idea why she should be the protagonist.

    You know, with a little heavy tweaking, this story could be really interesting, especially given how much of a blank slate Terra is. Specifically, our Sue’s clan was the aggressor in the war. As the aggressor, they were looking to purify their species by removing those with more than a single pair of wings. The plan backfires before they can enact the cleansing and the Sue escapes the backlash. WIth nowhere else to turn, she convinces the lower “impure” Laguz to fight against her father and brother in order to buy some time.

    Meanwhile, she spends her time behind the battlefront searching for some magics that will allow her to cleanse the world of all species she deems impure.

    Fun times are had by all.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hell, it could even be made to work with just a little tweaking with its present premise. You know, so that it’s consistent and more than just several pieces of uninteresting exposition.

      But your idea is better.

    • laubesoyeuse says:

      I like this idea.
      The first scene should be a tense one, where Terra, her father, and her brother are out hunting for the mysterious “redfurs” that are rumored to be causing bloody mayhem on the boundaries of their territory (or if we’re dropping the redfurs idea, then just out hunting), but she can tell that there’s something wrong. They take the opportunity, being in a secluded area with a plausible explanation, to turn on her, but just as they’re about to kill her the real redfurs show up, and she’s able to make her escape.
      Or something like that. I’ve never played Fire Emblem, so I don’t really know how it works.


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