547: Call of evil part 2 death in heaven – Chapter Three

Title: Call of evil part 2 death in heaven
Author:
 Insane Doctor The Insane Shadow Hunter and JudgmentDragon25
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic:  As many video games as you can shake a stick at, and The Land Before Time
Genre: None listed, and really, it’s hard to categorize such fail
URL: Removed from FF.Net.
Critiqued by TacoMagic

And here we are, patrons, the motherland.  The very last chapter of ID/JD25’s Call of Duty: Suck series.  There will be a celebration in the lobby after the riff.  Free open gargleblaster bar, key-lime pie fountain, and head-desking pillows as door prizes.  It’s gonna be great!

Oh, and I guess Crunchy is gonna be handing out lightsabers or something.

Chapter 3 hell unleashed

Oh this better not be a chapter devoted to softcore porn.

okay here is chapter three of call of evil part 2 hope you guys like this and I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible.

Yup, you guessed it, despite the length, this fic series is unfinished, and will remain so.  I’ll give you a few seconds to recover from the shock.

the lightning flashed in the sky almost making it look like day, the thunder followed behind the lightning before another bolt struck the ground below. On the ground below a man laid bound to a stone with metal chains around his hands and feet. The man was looking around for something almost as if he was expecting something.

I’ll give the author’s this:  Their ability to set mood and setting was greatly improved by learning to use periods at the end of sentences.  There’s almost flow now.  It’s still really poorly written, but it flows better than the single deluge of text we got in the first two fics.

“Come on…come on wesker turned you all for a reason.” The man said looking towards an area of the woods where some rustling sounds could be heard.

Huh.  A guy chained to a boulder begging the zombies to hurry up and eat him.  This is actually almost interesting.  This is such a foreign concept to run into in the very last chapter of this shitty fic.  What the hell is going on here?

From the woods came multiple pairs of glowing yellow eyes, the rustling sound then increased towards the mans location till multiple las plagus zombies could be seen emerging from the woods.  The las plagus just stared at the man while the man stared back at them. The zombies then let out there wails of battle before they ran towards the man, the man just stared at the fast approaching las plagus horde. Just before the las plagus zombies reached the man, he quickly looked towards another piece of the forest.

Wait, we’re 400 years in the future.  Why are the plagas still around?  The necromorphs were supposed to be the ultimate evolution of the T-virus when combined with plagas, and yet we’ve retrogressed back to just plaga zombies running around.

*Shakes fic*

Explain yourself!

“Now!” the man shouted causing the rock to start levitating while the las plagus zombies that had closed closed in on him fell to there deaths into the hole underneath the rock.

Well, it didn’t take long at all for the fic to completely lose any kind of interest factor.  The man chained to the rock was just another “never work in a million years” plan.

I can think of innumerable better plans to kill zombies than a levitating rock with a hole under it.  This is 1970s cartoon crap going on here.

The las plagus zombies then came to a complete stop, looking up at the levitating rock that kept them away from there next meal.

Can we please stop talking about the levitating rock?  It was silly enough the first time.

It caused many of the las plagus to let out there battle screeches.

I find the mental image of a large group of zombies uttering battle screeches at a floating rock rather humorous.

While the las plagus were distracted, thirty humans had emerged from the woods with there weapons drawn, they all then heard the loud screeching sound of a las plagus hunter to there left causing the zombies to immediately turn there attention towards them.

Thirty?  Aw hell.  You know, for as entirely ineffective as the floating rock ploy was, I’m really glad they went to the effort.  It delayed this fight scene by a whole page.

The humans immediately started to fire on the approaching horde, many of the humans were locked in a fist fight with the zombies some managed to fight them off, others only got holes bitten into there necks.

Oh, whew, it’s not the missing members of the SMC.  You can tell because some of these people just died.

“Ah someone help me!” one of the men shouted while he tried to get a las plagus zombie off of his back only to suddenly hear the sound of a shotgun going off close to his head while the blood of the las plagus zombie flowed onto him allowing him to break free from the hold.

*Yawn*

Can somebody wake me when the action scene is over?

“Thank you anna.” the man replied to the woman who was standing in front of him.

Ahh, this would be Anna Valerious from Van Helsing.  The authors cull their cast back down to 10… and then immediately prove that they haven’t learned their lesson at all by starting to add more characters every chapter.

“No problem. Now hurry up we must find velkan’s vr-11 it is the only gun that can bring these souls back to the light.” Anna said while she threw a battle ax towards a las plagus zombie that was about to tackle one of her comrades from behind.

Sorry, Anna, but that’s not actually true.  You see, the V-R11 can turn an undead zombie back into a living human.  We’ll just ignore how unlikely it is that anyone could create a gun which does that.  Anyway, Plaga are parasitic organisms that take-over the host’s body.  At no point does the host actually die, rather the body just becomes a meat puppet for the plaga.  Since the mechanism of infection conversion is entirely different from zombies, it’s unlikely that the V-R11 would do anything at all to a Plagas.

Swing and a miss, gentlemen.

The man on the rock could only watch the battle below him while he struggled to get the chains off. He then saw a las plagus witch heading towards anna with it’s long finger nails ready to tear her skin.

Damn, this action scene is still going.  All right, I’m breaking out the emergency supply of Red Bull infused espresso.  Everyone get your cups out, we’re going to make it through this action scene together!

“Anna behind you!” The man yelled which caused her to turn and shoot the slow walking witch with her shot gun.

Unless you hit the witch in the head with that blast, you’re just gonna piss her off.

Granted, I’m not really sure what this witch is doing taking the initiative and attacking Anna.  Witches aren’t really known for their overt aggression.

The witch then let out a loud screaming sound while she started to run towards anna with her finger nails out in front of her, just before anna could aim her shotgun at the witch’s head the witch let out her death shriek before falling to the ground dead. There behind the witch stood the man who was tied to the rock with his ray gun drawn.

Anna already had her shotgun aimed at the witch, does it really take her that long to move the muzzel up an inch or two in order to get the headshot?  Seems like breaking out of some chains, moving to flank the witch, and then blasting her with a ray gun would take just slightly longer.

“Thank you velkan.” Anna said while she reloaded her shot gun.

Fuck.  Another character from Van Helsing.  I guess the SMC is starting to absorb characters again.  Somebody needs to put a stop to that before we reach some kind of Stu Convergence.  A brethren moon made entirely out of Sues and Stus… *Shudder*

“Your welcome anna come on we have to find the vr-11.” Velkan said while him and anna started to search for the gun.

If you’ve got something as pivotally crucial as a V-R11 that works on Plaga, why would you hide it from yourselves?  In fact, why wouldn’t you use that at the outset of the battle instead of the floating rock?

Oh right, reasons.  Silly me.

In less than ten minutes the las plagus horde was reduced to five zombies, but the human horde was increased to fifty for velkan had managed to find the vr-11 and turned the las plagus zombies back into humans.

You know, normally I’d mention that they should show the action and not tell it, but in this case being told the action pretty much sums up what would otherwise have gone on for several pages of padding, so I’m rather fine with it here.

The five remaining zombies just looked around knowing they were out numbered, the five then let out a loud screech causing most of the humans to shield there ears. Once there shrieking stopped all of the humans heard three loud roars approaching them, in five second three las plagus tanks had emerged from the woods charging towards the humans.

OK guys, I have a little tip for both sides of this conflict: stop saving your biggest assets for when you’re losing the fight.  I know the authors are making contrived plays in an attempt to manufacture tension, but it just doesn’t work.

“Run!” Velkan shouted which caused all of the humans to flew from the pursuing tanks.

Uh, if the V-R11 was working so well converting the plaga into people who immediately joined the battle on your side, why not use it on the tanks?

While the humans horde ran many of them were either tripped or snared by a las plagus smokers who waited for them in the trees, others tried to kill the tanks only to be pulled apart by the tanks mighty strength.

Pretty good tactic, actually.  A shame that team zombie didn’t open with that move.  Would have saved the audience from a lot of pointless action.

Others fell victims to the las plagus hunters that had set up ambush locations in the forest. Out of the eighty humans that fled the fight only four remained, but the tanks still continued to chase them.

There we are.  This would be the fic’s requisite survivor massacre.  One per fic is not such a good record for the SMC.

“Anna you and the other two got that direction.” Velkan said while he started to go off in the opposite direction only to be stopped by anna grabbing his wrist.

“But what about you?” Anna asked while a roar from the approaching tanks echoed threw the forest.

LARCH INBOUND!

*KERBLOOMIE!*

I’m going to have a very strong talk with our foley guys.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 38, Team Wesker – 12, The Hubble – 7

“I will lead them off don’t worry I will.” Velkan was then cut off by a charging tank who grabbed him but knocked anna to the ground, velkan tried to shoot the tank with his vr-11 only to have it knocked out of his hands.

Good one, Velky.  Wait until AFTER 76 out of 80 people are gruesomely killed before trying out your super weapon.  That’s obviously the best tactical solution.

Douche.

“Velkan!” Anna yelled while she sprinted towards the vr-11. Once she had grabbed the gun she chased after the tank that had velkan, it wasn’t long till she finally caught up with the tank.

So, the tanks rip everyone to pieces, except Velks here, whom they pick up like a football and then run for the goal line.  Seems legit.

The two were almost to the edge of a cliff, she immediately aimed down the sights of the vr-11 pulling the trigger on it. A green ball was sent flying towards the tank once it had made contact it let out a loud roar causing anna to gasp.

Nope, the bullspresso isn’t doing the job, I need something stronger.

*Dumps a 5-hour energy drink into a canister of Turkish grind coffee and then filters the whole thing through a thick layer of No-Doze tablets into an espresso cup*

Come to daddy!

*Downs the concoction*

OK, fic, bring it!

Right before her the tank changed it’s spine pierced it’s skin making it look almost as if it had razors on it’s back, it’s right hand that held velkan turned into a bone hand, but the part that scared her the most it’s throat had crawled out of it’s mouth acting like a small black bug giving off it’s own roar before it went over the cliff. Velkan let out a loud scream when they went over the cliff.

See, the V-R11 was pretty effective at dropping that tank.  Sure, it ended with a “falling off the cliff” non-kill, but I’m pretty sure that tank would have died when the skin peeled off it.  Probably.

“Velkan!” Anna shouted causing an echo threw the entire mountain cliff.

YE GODS!  The ENTIRE cliff!

*GACRUNCHPLORP!*

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 39, Team Wesker – 12, The Hubble – 7

Seriously, guys, can you just do the normal stuff?  What was that anyway?

“A bowling ball crushing a Pringles can that we filled with mayo.”

Can I play too?

She looked down over the cliff only to see where the water had been disturbed, it caused her to grow angered by what had happened. She then raised her vr-11 while she turned back at the two men she had left.

This is the exact same way that Jason Voorheeys always dies.  You know, right before he comes back stronger than ever in the next movie.

So, we have two pages left.  Who wants to place bets on those two nameless survivors making it to the end?

“Come on we must get to the village.” Anna said while she quickly walked passed the two men.

Seems to me that going to the village would be a good way to lead all the Plaga that are still running around right to it.

“But what about velkan?” One of them men asked only to have anna come to a complete stop.

What about him?  He plummeted over a cliff into some water.  He’s totes dead.

“He’s dead now.” Anna replied while she continued to walk with the two men right behind her.

See?  Cliff and water.  No need to check for a body or verify the death.

But down at the bottom of the cliff a single arm broke threw the waters surface, the arm then grabbed held of a nearby rock allowing the person that the arm belonged to pull himself up.

*CRUMBLASHOOM!*

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 39, Team Wesker – 13, The Hubble – 7

Stick of dynamite in a paint can filled with Mnt Dew.

From out of the water velkan’s head appeared taking in a big breath, he then used his other arm to pull himself up onto the rock.

Is it me, or does the prose here make it seem like all of Velkan’s body parts are their own entities?

Once he was fully out of the water he laid back onto the rock breathing heavily, he then looked down towards his leg only to see that a chunk of his flesh was taken out of him. It caused his eyes to grow in fear before he passed out never seeing a man dressed in black standing to his side.

*Waves*

Hi, Wekser.  I see you’re here just in time to villainificate one of the SMC.  That worked out so well last time; I can see why you’d want to do it again.

“Looks like I have a new test subject.” The man in black said while he smirked slightly lifting the unconscious body of velkan up over his shoulders.

Yup, villainification it is.

Too Much Middle-Management: 8

The man in black then opened a portal behind him, allowing him to leave the area without making a long journey.

*Polite knock on the door*

Hello?

BRIIIIIIIAAAAAAAANNNNNNSSSS

Hey, Brian is next- Wait, you are Brian.  How’s the crab and pie business?

BRIIIIIIIAAAAAAAANNNNNNSSSS!!!

Hey look, you have a bunch of friends with you… wearing DRD clothing… and who appear to have really bad complexions…

BRIIIAAAAANNNNS!  BRIAAAANS!

*Slams the door closed*

That can’t be good.

Once the portal closed the only thing that was left was a blood trail that was causing some of the fish that swam in the water to mutate along with many other things that were touched by the blood.

*Insistent, yet still polite knocking*

Uh, Crunchy, we may have a problem.  The undead branch of the DRD are outside, and they have Brian with them.

“I am certainly not going out there.  Mayhap it is time to pull The Lever?”

Do we dare unleash such a thing upon the world?  Do we, mere mortals, have the right to throw off the shackles which the gods themselves put in place to restrain the inexorable might of-

“Too late, I already pulled it.”

Damn it, Crunchy!  You pull the lever after the soliloquy.

*Peaks out the door*

Wow, that’s one hell of an awesome battle scene!  Too bad I don’t have the budget or writing talent to show it it you guys.

Then in the water the body of the mutated las plagus tank floated up with multiple mutated fish feasting from it almost as if they were turned into las plagus themselves.

That’s such a potent simile, especially since Plaga don’t eat people like zombies do.  I can see how drawing a comparison there is appropriate.

The body was being carried by the current heading towards what looked to be a large lake that was close to a small town.

Might as well just count that as another group of survivors that dies under the watchful eye of the SMC.  We all know where this is going.

And that, my friends, is the end of the series!

Since I’ve actually not accumulated much in the way of one-shots, and I’m still feeling pretty fresh for the snark (possibly due to that evil brew of awake sauce) I’m just going to plow ahead into my next big project.

Next week, patrons, I shall be diving into something very special.  Until then!


28 Comments on “547: Call of evil part 2 death in heaven – Chapter Three”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Free open gargleblaster bar, key-lime pie fountain, and head-desking pillows as door prizes.

    Key lime pie fountain? Oh my, I think I know where I’m spending my part of the party!

    Now let’s just make sure Gumdrop doesn’t get too close. Right, Ghostie?

    • Don’t worry, he’s working his way through the caramel camel I made for him. That should keep him busy for another few hours.

      • SC says:

        In the meantime, I’m gonna be at the gargleblaster bar nursing all of my injurious from thrown objects with alcohol.

        Yes, I know they’ve all healed already, but the pain still lingers.

      • I have it on good authority that chicks dig scars. :)

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Now now, Ghostie, just ’cause Garrus has tons of fangirls doesn’t mean that they’ll all flock to SC. Maybe if he sounded like Brendan Keener, but…

      • SC says:

        I don’t have any fangirls (which is probably for the best, considering how some fangirls can get), but I do unfortunately have…

        Sports Shades: What up, bitches!

        …THIS little egotistical prick.

        Sportsy: You only say that because you know I’m better than you.

        And because as much as I would like to, I CAN’T GET FUCKING RID OF YOU.

        Sportsy: I guess it was fated for you to forever bask in the shadow of my awesomeness.

        I will kill you.

        Sportsy: Oh, like how you kill Specs? You’re funny, I can see why people laugh at what you say. Oh, but that’s not very Jedi-like of you, is it?

        …Yeah, I get this guy over fangirls. I just can’t catch a break.

      • Can’t Bifocals come up with something to keep him in line?

      • SC says:

        Bifocals: I have tried!
        Sportsy: And her guns all “mysteriously” ended up skewered by my sword.

        No, this is true. The guy is an ace combatant. He’s not second to anybody in the Specs and Co., they’re all second to HIM.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Damn, this action scene is still going. All right, I’m breaking out the emergency supply of Red Bull infused espresso. Everyone get your cups out, we’re going to make it through this action scene together!

    No thanks. I’m not a fan of Red Bull or of coffee…

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Hm… I think we’ve got another way to celebrate all the good times. I give to you a joyous symphony finale:

  4. :holds up empty cup:

    I’ll take a double shot of awake sauce, please.

  5. Team Stu had a gun that turned zombies into humans, only for those humans to die and possibly become zombies again when they are inevitably attacked by zombies. In theory, could they could just keep turning the same zombies into humans for the standard survivor massacre over and over again?

    • TacoMagic says:

      Canonically the VR-11 was mostly a distraction weapon. You could turn a few zombies into humans, which would distract all the nearby zombies. While said zombies are devouring the humans you would have a few seconds to reload and maybe find a more tactical position.

      That said, there are a few zombies that you can convert into more useful “team” members. They take 3-4 clips of of VR-11 energy to convert, but they actually have weapons and stuff to fight with.

  6. SC says:

    Sorry, Anna, but that’s not actually true.  You see, the V-R11 can turn an undead zombie back into a living human… Since the mechanism of infection conversion is entirely different from zombies, it’s unlikely that the V-R11 would do anything at all to a Plagas.

    Swing and a miss, gentlemen.

    Sounds like they were headed in the right direction, though, so points for trying.

  7. SC says:

    Oh, and I guess Crunchy is gonna be handing out lightsabers or something.

    I’d be interested, but unfortunately, I’ve been undergoing intense Jedi Sentinal training, so I’ve already got a gold one.

    For some odd reason, they wouldn’t just let me be known by SC at the academy, so I decided to go by Slobiwan – the slowest Jedi Sniper ever.

  8. SC says:

    Hey look, you have a bunch of friends with you… wearing DRD clothing… and who appear to have really bad complexions…

    BRIIIAAAAANNNNS!  BRIAAAANS!

    *Slams the door closed*

    That can’t be good.

    *Sighs, and grabs lightsaber and laser rifle*

    Okay, hold tight folks, I’ll be right back.

  9. infinity421 says:

    Is…
    Is it truly over?
    I’d put Handel’s Messiah here, but I don’t know how to.
    Instead, have a URL to some techno music:

    Well, I think it’s techno…


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