422: A CAVE Story Unabriged – One Shot

Title: A CAVE Story Unabriged
Author: BlueRetroPenguin
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Cave Story
Genre: Humor/Parody
URL: A CAVE Story Unabriged
Critiqued by TacoMagic

WARNING:  This thing is bad.  Very bad.  There are references to attempted rape and implied pedophilia, though I do skip most of it.  You have been warned.  Honestly, I’m only posting this thing because I was stupid enough to read it and I need to rage out a bit.

Welcome back to another one-shot!  This week I bring you an example at how to utterly fail at a humor/parody fic.  The thing to keep in mind here is that, for a fic to be a  member of that genre, your writing needs to be funny.  This isn’t only not funny, but is a near incomprehensible wreck of sexism, violence, and swearing.  I honestly hope this thing is a troll fic, but I’ve listened to teenagers enough these days to suspect that they honestly think this… thing is hilarious.

How bad of a wreck?  Well, for starters, the title of the fic has one word randomly in all caps and another word misspelled.  This is gonna be goooooood.  Also, I invite you to look at BlueRetroPenguine’s profile.  I’ll wait.

*Wait’s patiently*

Yes, you’re allowed to want to hit him in the face with a shovel now.  I don’t have a shovel, but I do have a-

*GONG*

BRP, get over yourself.

Anyway, before we dive into this fic, let’s check the summary, which caught my attention immediately:

For all of you who were baffled by how bland the Cave story dialouge was not the plot we have spiced this cave story up. This is a collaboration with authors BlueRetroPenguin and Lunara the Ara using Cave Story. Enjoy, or perish. Very, Eh-hem, Wordy

First, the dialogue was fine, so I have no idea why these three are taking issue with it.  Second, don’t threaten me or I’ll riff your work- oh, well look at that, I am.  And third, saying that a fic which is only 500 words per chapter and 3 chapters long is “wordy” is just… yeah.  It also amazes me that something so short required three authors to write.

Let’s get this mess started!

AN: This was not written by myself only. This was a collaboration between myself and the wonderfully talented Lunara the Ara.

Ok, well, I guess we get an author’s note first.  It’s unfortunate that the first thing our author chose to do is besmirch two other authors by adding their names to this piece of dreck.  Maybe they owe him money or something.

For any audience members out there that my find this offensive, please leave a review of your reasons of injustice and a phone number to call in case you sue. (ha, bad cave story pun)

*GONG*

Even though Sue is a character in Cave Story, that does NOT count as a pun, not even a bad one.

We will use the flames to bake anchovie pizzas and have them sent to your house. Thank you.

I suppose they don’t expect to get actual articulated criticism.  Fair enough, it is FF.net, and they did end up here where we only offer snarky criticism.  Unless of course they view everything that isn’t “OMG i LUV DIS!!!11!!!” as flaming, which seems likely.  So, without further ado, we plunge into the fic:

A Transimsion…

OMG SUEE! TALK TO ME ALREEADY! PLEASE SUE! I’ll.. I’ll… I’ll eat a cockroach if you pick up. Or Ill make you eat a cockroach. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

I don’t think I want to do this fic anymore.

For those who’ve never played Cave Story, this fic is starting pretty much where the game does, with Kazumi trying to get a hold of his sister, Sue:

Only in this case it appears the Kazumi has been replaced with a 13 year-old boy.

Sometime later: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
More time Later: SUUUUUEE! OH DOUBLE-M GGGGG!

I guess by “spicing up” in the summary they meant “adding a lot of whining.”

More time later: You know that time I put bugs in your bed when you were asleep. Well I’m sorry about that. Or maybe that time I read your diary. I know you’re a very dirty little girl

About time for him to go insane: DAMN IT, ANSWER BITCH! OR I’LL BURN YOUR DIARY WHICH I HAVE RIGHT HERE, IN MY HANDS, READING ABOUT THE TIME YOU TRIED TO DESTROY MY TELESCOPE.
…Just answer already…

Ahh, I now understand why they thought the game’s dialogue was bland.  You see, the dialogue in the game is rather good, but exists without pointless swearing and abuse.  I think some kids may have played a bit too much Grand Theft Auto.

Current Humor Level: Extremely Sad

Meanwhile: A guy who looks a lot like Ash Ketchum sat up from hearing the commotion. Strange how this guy could hear things coming from his headphone whats-it’s on the sides of his RATHER LARGE HEAD. IN CAPS, BITCH.

Ahh yes, the generation that thinks swearing is a punch line.  Keenen Ivory Wayans, I think I’ve found your next understudy.

“SUUUUUEEEEEEE! ANSWER MEEEE YA LITTLE ASS! I HAVE YOUR DIARY AND I’LL TELL MOOOOM!”

I’m kinda surprised that it only took three people to write this.  Something of this caliber normally takes a massive, multilingual team of highly trained writing professionals years to put together.

Shut UP. He thought, turning the volume down on his headphone-whats-its. GOD.

God?!  Where?!  Crap, I didn’t know he was coming today!  God, please stay out the the bathroom, I haven’t cleaned it!

And so our Rather-Large-Headed Hero stumbled out of the cave, beginning to notice his amnesia, which was probably due to his large hangover. “What the- where the hell am?” I he thought to himself. So in his daze he stumbled to the left instead of the right, which showed just how stoned he was (because everyone knows video game players never start a game going left. Duh) And then he fell off a ledge, and landed in some ever so conveniently place spikes, and blew up in a spectacular and dramatic explosion. GAME OVER. THE END.

Right, not counting Metroid and Zelda II which both started with moves to the left.

And the protagonist’s name is Quote.  You’ll find using his actual name far less insipid.

Remember kids, drinking and drugs are funny.  You can trust me on this.  See, look at the meter.

Current Humor Level: Mewling Scared Kitten

And here I thought this wasn’t gonna be a laugh riot.

At least it’s over.  That was the shortest three chap-

AN CONTRAIRE, MY FRIEND.

Well, shit.

Also, “an contraire” translates to “A contrary year” which is a reference to 1743, the year where everyone disagreed just to disagree.

Not sure why 1743 is pertinent to the fic, but maybe it’ll become more evident as we read.

Our hero appeared in the FIRST CAVE again, and again could hear A TRANSMISSION… ” SUE, I swear to god if you dont pick up I will burn each and ever one of your Barbie Dolls, and mabye even your panties while im at it. Yeah I went there. NOW YOU BETTER PICK UP YOU SLUT!

Making Kazumi a sexist, abusive sibling is comedic GOLD.  Let’s look at the meter:

Current Humor Level: Funeral Dirge

*Smacks the CHL sensor*

Damn thing must be defective.

Our RLHH sighed and turned down the volume again, and walked out of the cave, having lost his hangover from his DRAMATIC DEATH. “WHO THE HELL LEAVES OUT DEADLY SPIKES IN A FREAKING CAVE” He yell. “Someone needs to clean up around here.” So he jumped around etc etc. until he went into HOBO JOES SHACK and as the criminal robot he was made to be, stole the gun and… Left. WTF? NO KILLING? NO SHOT TO THE HEAD! NOTHING YOURE A KILLER ROBOT FOR CRIPES SAKE!

*squints*

That’s a weirdly placed reference to the Muppets.  I guess in this version the hermit gunsmith was replaced with Hobo Joe.  That’s just weird casting.

But no, he decided to waste some of the cute bats and Cricketts instead. Loser.
A transmission… “Sue… I think im hearing things. I think I hear something… someone… yelling about… spikes and… killer robots… and… OH NO! CUTE BATS! SUE SAVE ME! THERE ARE CUTE BATS!”

End transmission.

And that’s the end of Chapter 1.  Let’s check the meter before heading into chapter 2.

Current Humor Level: Wounded Baby Otter

I must have forgotten to calibrate this damn thing.

And we launch into chapter 2 with this oddly appropriate author’s note:

AN: Yes we continued. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

Apology accepted.  Try not to let it happen again.

He murdered the innocent bats and shot some pretty purple starry blocks. Wait what the fuck?

I think we’re all wondering that about now.

Anyway, our RLHH encountered a door. It looked just like an ordinary door. That is, until IT OPENED IT’S EYE.

*GONG*

Say it with me now: “Quote.”

For those aspiring authors out there looking to write humor, remember that writing things in all caps makes them funny.  Don’t believe me?  Well, check this out then:

“AHH! IT’S THE APOCOLYPSE! THE CYCLOPS DOOR APOCOLYPSE IS COOOMMIIINNNG!” He ran into a wall during his running, and fell over face-up. Dazed, the red-capped Pokémon trainer stared at a creepy blue thing.

See?  Hilarious.

Wait…

*Twiddles his thumbs*

So…

*Checks his watch*

Uh, some weather we’re having.  So very… outside out there today, am I right.

*idly drums on his desk*

What are we waiting for again?

“Hi! My name is Harold! I’m a-” The poor thing didn’t get to finish its sentence before it was MURDERED.

I like how the authors complain that Quote doesn’t murder Hobo Joe, but they’re not cool with him killing bats and slime.

Sighing, our RLHH walked up to the door and shot it. Blood spurted out of it. “OMGWTFBBQ!” He squealed, shooting at it a few more times before it blew up, sending him toppling to the ground, on top of Harold’s corpse.

I’m glad these guys punched up the otherwise banal dialogue of Cave Story.  Truly a 100000% improvement.

So he after he murdered a door, he went in naturally. Though it was actually one of those trap doors that have nothing on the other side but a steep cliff. Cliché’, right?

Uh… no.  Go hit the dictionary real quick and look up Cliché.  You’ll find “swearing as a punchline” there, but not “door to nowhere.”

So a normal human would do this: “WTF THE DOOR HAD AN EYE AND NOW ITS NOT EVEN A DOOOOOOOOOOR ITS A CLIFF OMG!” as he (or she for all you sexist floks out there) as they fell to their untimely death, splattering on the grou- I’ll just stop here.

Knowing what sexism is: you’re doing it wrong.  Calling the kettle black: mission accomplished.

Not RaLHF(ForceBot). He fell silently like a ninja, arms spread, and… checked the time in his watch/deathray/laser/timemachine/mirror/stopwatch/facetime/facebook/clounge dispenser. Once he freshened himself up, he landed right in the middle a heated argument.

Let’s check that meter:

Current Humor Level:  Madame Butterfly

Woof.

FIVE MINUTE FLASHBACK: King “Give me the key Tokoro”,

Tokoro “NOO!”,

“GIVE IT TO ME NOW!”,

“I SAID NO!”

“TOKORO, YOU WILL GIVE ME THAT KEY OR I WILL RIP THAT CHASTITY BELT OFF PERSONALLY”,

Bodes well this does not.  *Reads a bit*

Yeah, we’re gonna skip the rest of that argument because it gets sexist fast and involves threats of rape.  I’m beginning to suspect that our author’s don’t know what humor actually is.

Anyway, so King’s character is assasinated by turning him into a wannabe rapist, and then Quote wanders away.

Almost dying of shock, RaLHF ran out of the water (Which was only about knee-deep), into some random-ass room, and into more water (Which was now way above his head). He ran further in, oblivious to the fact that he was ten feet underwater, and saw something shiny.
“SHIIIINNNYYYYY~!” RaLHF gurgled, grabbing the sparkly thing.
It was a necklace. A fish-shaped necklace.
Wow. Just wow.

And then he died because he didnt get out of the water. THE END

*Whew* It’s over.  Man, this turned out worse than I was expecting.  Good thing it was so shor-

PSYCH!

Well… fuck.  There’s another whole chapter.  Luckily I can skip most of this chapter because it is almost entirely squicky.  There is an implied sexual romp between Toroko and Quote which is poorly written, extremely stupid, and frankly a rules violation of FF.net since Toroko is canonically supposed to be rather young.

Misery and Balrog show up.  Claim that they got the whole thing on camera, and say that they’re gonna upload it on youtube.  There just aren’t words.  Then the first boss-battle with Balrog starts.

Ass Kicking Time (1:07 actually) “Fuck. You.” RaLHF said. And Balrog was over.

If this is based on an actual play-through of the game, then the authors both suck at writing and at playing Cave Story.  That battle takes at most 30 seconds.

So, there’s another highly sexist scene with King that I’ll skip before we get to the last little bit:

Anyway…
RaLHF (Rather Large Headed Forbot) climbed up a cliff and saw a HUGE ball of fluff.
It was a Mimiga. A very fat one.
“Hey.” He rumbled, staring at RaLHF through his thick eyebrows. “Have I seen you before? Weren’t you on that Pokémon show?”

Needless to say he didn’t last very long.

And we’re done.  Holy hell that was rough.

This fic was obviously written by three of those homophobic, sexist little twerps who’ve ruined online play in the last 10 years.  I’m so glad that they’re trying their hand at ruining other things.

Thunt, the author of Goblins, once said that the hallmark of a bad critic is one who tells an artist/writer/etc to stop producing works.  In this case I highly disagree with him.  The best thing these three authors can do is to never take it upon themselves to write another story so long as they live.  And if this is a Troll-fic, then I hope the very same.

Let’s check the humor meter one last time:

Final Humor Level:  Othello Eating a Live Puppy

Yup, that seems about right.

Finally I think we have a fic here that makes My Immortal look almost good.

One thing that is almost uplifting about this whole mess is one of the reviews:

I don’t even know what the fuck this is… The concept is nice but the writing is just awful.

Indeed.  “Write a parody of Cave Story” is a nice concept.  That’s about the only good thing one can say.  I’m glad that somebody on FF.net actually recognized this thing for what it is: soul destroying puss.

Now that we’re all done, I entreat my readers to head over to the fic and report it for abuse under any of the follwoing categories: “Rating: Language above current current rating,” “Rating: Violence above current rating,” or “Explicit Content or Adult content above current rating.”  The fic is currently rated Teen, which makes any of those three an easy case to make.  With your help, we can add a second Fic that the Library is directly responsible for getting pulled off FF.net.  And that would be a beautiful thing.

Until next week, patrons!


19 Comments on “422: A CAVE Story Unabriged – One Shot”

  1. Sweet mercy, that is just horrid.

  2. erttheking says:

    Am I a bad person that I gave up halfway though?

  3. "Lyle" says:

    I don’t think anything can make My Immortal look almost good. It can make it look at last moderately tolerable, although Chapter Four contains a “sex scene.”

  4. HerrWozzeck's Phone says:

    I… What? What?

    This is almost as disgusting as Gabriel Hawke. It’s one of a small handful of fics that have made me sick to my stomach just from reading it.

    And the author thinks he’s a genius, to top it all off.

    *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

    I think Alma has found a new target to practice on.

    • TacoMagic says:

      The really weird thing is that, looking at the author’s other fics, they aren’t horrible, at least not this level of horrible.

      Hell, his first fic, “Glitch” is actually almost thought provoking.

      It’s like this thing was a bad peer-pressure write that involved lots input from stupid, sexist friends.

      • The Pong fic? I thought that was decent, if a bit wall-o-text. This fic and the Kirby one both have that “cursing is cool” vibe you see occasionally with young authors.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Yeah, the Pong one. I liked the idea more than the writing, but it could be expanded into something worth reading, which was surprising after seeing this on his line-up.

          I saw the Kirby one and, while it was pretty bad, it wasn’t really this level of bad.

          Honestly, looking at his two kinda decent fics, he does much better when not trying to be funny. I stand by my observation that he doesn’t actually know what humor is, which is common of the younger crowd. It’s too easy for the young mind to mistake being crude with being funny because their criteria for humor hasn’t developed beyond things that are forbidden or taboo.

      • This is definetely the worst of the lot.

        If his sense of humor never matures, he could always get a job writing for Friedberg and Seltzer.

  5. SC says:

    On your advice, I’ve reported the thing.

    Now if my request goes through, we’re golden.

    (But I doubt it will…)


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