420: My Immortal – Chapter Three

Title: My Immortal
Author: Tara (reposted by TheJadedDolphin)
Media: Book / Movie
Topic:  Harry Potter
Genre: Romance / angst
URL:  My Immortal – Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle

Well, hello there!  Welcome back to “My Immortal,” the age-old story of love, loss, and fishnet stockings.  The last time we met, Ebony McSuepants gave us a walk-through of her average morning, more wardrobe prOn, and then yelled about how much she does not like Draco Malfoy.  Then he invites her to go see Good Charlotte with him and suddenly she can’t breathe.  Gripping, isn’t it?  Let’s get into chapter three and find out what happens!  The lukewarm suspense, it mildly tingles somewhat unpleasantly.

This chapter contains references to cutting, so if you’re sensitive to this, please be forewarned.  I care about you, my dear readers.  Group hug!

Chapter Three

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

Chapter three is always the best time to start writing disclaimers about ownership, or lack thereof, of the source material.  Forget doing it at the start, before chapter one.  That’s so last week.

And apparently only “goffik” people (still trying to figure out what that is… I’m getting a mental image of some sort of cave-dwelling gopher) can appreciate this horrible story.  Gopher-People don’t read much and are really strapped for entertainment.

Starting off this chapter we get more wardrobe prOn:

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

We get it.  You like the “goth” look.  You don’t have to keep rubbing our faces in the sheer amount of black, hot pink, and lace you wear.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.

I honestly don’t understand this at all.  She’s a vampire.  What’s the point of slitting a single wrist at all, let alone when you’re a vampire?  And then she reads something depressing.  I’m guessing it’s the final draft of this story.

And if this person were actually a Good Charlotte fan, then this whole scene is utterly contradictory.  Why?  The song “Hold On,” that’s why.  It’s anti-depression and anti-suicide.  I’m calling shenanigans on this.

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

If you’re so pale that you don’t feel the need to put on your foundation then why the hell have you described yourself either wearing or putting it on in the past two chapters?!   *smack*  Stop being dumb, Emo-Sue.

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I wasn’t aware that partaking in the consumption of human blood was a prerequisite for going to a Good Charlotte concert.  I’m pretty sure they don’t mention that on their official website, but I might have missed it somewhere during my research.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

Draco has a flying car.  Draco.  Who hates everything muggle and wouldn’t be caught dead doing anything related to muggles, has a flying car.  Right.  Why is it that I saw this sentence and immediately thought this:

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

Of course Simple Plan is playing with Good Charlotte.  If we’re sticking with the timeline of this actually being 2001, that is.  If it’s 1997 (the year Draco is SUPPOSED to be in the 7th year of Hogwarts), then that’s impossible because Simple Plan was formed in 1999.

*SMACK* Author’s notes do not belong in the body of the story.  How many times must I say this?!

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

Depressed voices do not include exclamation points.  I am skeptical.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

Let’s throw every stereotype of  “I’m going to pretend I’m goth” into this as we can, okay?

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

Did you listen to about half a song each?  Hogsmeade is not that far away, especially if you’re in a flying car.  Five minutes, tops.

Why do pretend-goth kids think that it’s “cool” and “goth” to smoke and/or do drugs?  Maybe we’ll get lucky and Draco will get so blitzo’ed on the hash that he’ll crash the flying car before they get there.  Both die tragically and very “goffik.”  The end.  Yay!

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

Because that’s what you do in a mosh… you just jump in place.  Never mind that you’re going to get elbowed in the jaw, stepped on, and someone will most likely headbutt your crotch.  Just pretend you’re the Easter bunny and you’ll be fine: hop, hop, hop.

“You come in cold, you’re covered in blood
They’re all so happy you’ve arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

Song lyrics rarely belong in fics but seem to be a staple of badly-written stories.

Also…

*SMACK!*

That’s twice in one chapter you’ve put an author’s note in the middle of the story.  Knock it off.

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Tact: Emery-board does not have it.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

Fickle creature, isn’t she?  Wasn’t she just telling her best friend how much she totally did not care for him?

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

I think Tara has forgotten that she put these guys in a mosh pit.  You cannot be sensitive in a mosh pit.  They will sense it and eat you alive, with ketchup.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

*faceplant*

Hillary Duff was born in 1987.  If this story takes place in 2001 (the earliest possible time it could take place according to the first chapter) that would make Duff 14.  According to my research, she started dating Joel Madden in 2004 and they ended their relationship in 2006.  So this story now has to take place between 2004 and 2006, putting Draco between 24 and 26 years old, but still a 7th year student at Hogwarts.

Sweet zombie Jesus on a pogostick, really?

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.

Were you out drinking with the band or something?  The order of events makes no sense otherwise.

We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!

Yeah, probably because he’s too drunk to drive.  I mean, if you’re crawling back to the car, you’re obviously not in any state to be behind the wheel.  Dur.  Let’s hope the forest eats them.

Until next week, keep jumping in place!


14 Comments on “420: My Immortal – Chapter Three”

  1. Does the next chunk of costume pron have her wearing ripped leather fishnets with laces – sorry, “corset stuff” – all over them?

  2. HerrWozzeck's Phone says:

    Well, I didn’t think this fic would get so much timeline-related stuff wrong, but there we go.

    Also, I’m pretty sure Hillary Duff was on her way out of being the darling of every Disney Channel fan out there by the time 2004 came around, so I don’t know why Ebony is talking about her.

    • "Lyle" says:

      According to my research (which is something our authoress has never said before, I’m sure) Duff was dating the lead singer of Good Charlotte in 2004. Since our Sue loves the lead singer, she’s showing jealous rage toward someone she doesn’t know for getting to date someone she’s obsessed with. Typical middle-school/high-school mentality.

  3. TacoMagic says:

    *Points*

    Hey look, we passed 50k hits.

    *Pulls a champagne popper*

    Yay!

  4. SC says:

    Anybody else get an image of Ebony’s skull carving a hole in the roof of Draco’s car when she “walked into it?”

  5. Kate says:

    “You cannot be sensitive in a mosh pit. They will sense it and eat you alive, with ketchup.”

    That is probably the most accurate description of a mosh pit ever.

  6. “The lukewarm suspense, it mildly tingles somewhat unpleasantly.”

    I need a defibrilator.

  7. “I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.”

    Okay, I get that she’s a vampire, but come on! Slitting a wrist isn’t something you just pass by like that! I mean, the author tries to make slitting a frikking wrist look like kicking a can in frustration.

  8. Joe says:

    You know, this fic’s number is really accurate, because you would have had to smoke a lot of weed to be able to create this… chaos spawn of words


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