301: My Angel – Chapter Two

Title: My Angel
Anime / Manga
Ouran High School Host Club
 My Angel – Chapter Two
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING – This fic contains what could loosely be considered violence.

Welcome back, beloved and brilliant Patrons! After that refreshing break last week, today we continue with the Ouran High School Host Club fic, My Angel, but first we have my favorite part – the recap.

In the first chapter the canon character Haruhi (Haru-chan) is shot and killed by a random asshat and goes to what I’m assuming is meant to be Heaven even though it is not called such, where she is informed by an airheaded angel named Sophia that she is going to be a Guardian Angel. Haru-chan gets her hair color and clothing changed to mask her identity along with a rather vague back-story of being a French heiress named Adele, and is partnered up with some OC/author insertion named Christian who happened to die at the same time she did. The two are issued weapons with the vague instructions to shoot anything that is  “totally unholy” and then punted back to Earth in time to attend Haru-chan’s funeral where they run into another canon character, Tamaki. While attending her own funeral, Haru-chan and Christian discover that they can speak to each other via telepathy and assume this is because they are Guardian Angel partners, even though Sophia didn’t tell them about it (she didn’t really tell them anything useful, period) and the chapter ends on a rather vague note.

This chapter, titled Fist kill, begins with yet another :shudder: POV Tag letting us know it is in Haru-chan’s perspective, just in case anyone forgot from the last chapter.

Well we finished going to my funeral and then we got in 2 limos and they were big.

Since it does not specify that they each got into their own limo, I’m going to assume that they both got into the same limo and then that limo drove into a larger one.

Well this is nice.” Christian said with his thoughts.

I usually say things with my mouth and think things with my thoughts, but I’m special that way.

Most limos are pretty nice, probably because of that whole “luxury automobile” thing they have going for them. Of course, the first time I ever rode in one I found a partially-eaten hot wing stuffed between the seat cushions so I guess everything’s relative.

Yeah and how can we do this without even talking to each other?” I said to him.

Technically you are talking to each other, you are just using telepathy to do so.

Well maybe after we finish my funeral we can talk to Sophia and ask her how we can do this. Oh yeah and how do we call Sophia?” Christian asked.


I dunno either. Sophia wasn’t exactly a fount of knowledge; these two would probably be better off just Googling for the answers rather than asking her.

How the hell am I supposed to know and don’t ask questions that there is no answer for it.” I said and then the car stopped and it was in another of those places where you bury people.

Going to her own funeral sure has put Haru-chan in a bitchy mood.

They are called “cemeteries”, sweetheart. The canon character would know that since she’s not an idiot. There’s really no way of knowing if they can call Sophia if they need her – she just kind of kicked them out of Heaven without much warning – but given how utterly unhelpful she was, I really think they are better off without her.

 “Wow this is pretty.” I said

Some cemeteries can be very lovely, but I’ve never seen a Japanese cemetery before so I looked them up online. They look like miniature cityscapes. There is a certain stark beauty, but not exactly what I would personally call “pretty.”

and we kept walking and a girl with blonde hair stopped us.

“Um can I ask you why you are here?” The girl said while wiping some tears away.

They’re here for the quilting bee.

Damn it, it’s Anna, my ex-girlfriend from 3 months ago.” Christian thought.

Wow, what an amazing coincidence that he ran into his ex-girlfriend at his own funeral! I can’t imagine why someone would want to attend a memorial service for someone they once had (or possibly still have) deep feelings for.

Dude calm down. How about you introduce us kay.” I said and he just nodded.

“Anna my ex-girlfriend, this is my Guardian Angel partner, Haruhi. Haruhi, this a girl I used to date before I was drowned in the pool. Hey Anna, what’s with all the screaming?”

Christian does realize that he nodded in response to a conversation that only he and Haru-chan could hear, right? Anna probably thinks he’s a mental case.

“Well my name is Andrew Gomez and this is my friend Adele Miator.” Christian said while gesturing us.

Chirstian must know sign language. I’ve got a few gestures I’d like to make, but I shall refrain from doing so since I am a lady.

“Wait did you say you’re Adele Miator, the daughter of the late Anastasia Miator, the famous model and also the late David Miator, the president of Miator Foundations?” Anna asked us.

“Yeah.” I answered.

That’s kinda creepy; the ex-girlfriend/exposition fairy knows more about Haru-chan’s fake past then she does, since Sophia never even gave her the names of her dead parents or anything about them other than “they were rich.” How lucky for Haru-chan that the only other person who seems to be attending this funeral can provide so much relevant background information.

“Okay then you guys can come but how did you know Christian?” Anna asked us.

Because she is sufficiently wealthy/famous, Haru-chan is able to attend the funeral? It’s a good thing she’s not poor anymore, or she’d have never gotten in. Is Anna the bouncer for Christian’s funeral now? It’s not a celebrity wedding, usually anyone who wants to attend a funeral can.

Since Haru-chan made up some semi-plausible story about how her former self was a maid to her current self at one point, I’m curious to see how Christian is going to explain his relationship with his former self.

“Um, well when I was a little boy and I came here to visit and I didn’t have any friends so Christian became my first friend when I met him at a park.” Christian said and looked at the sky.

That’s pretty vague, but workable. Not too terrible for an OC’s backstory, but I almost passed out about halfway through. Being dead must do wonders for your lung capacity.

“Andrew, calm down remember he’s in a way better place.” I said and she gestured us to go in and we mentally talked.

So Anna is the funeral’s bouncer. Did she have to check their IDs and stamp their hands, too? Why did she have to tell him to calm down? There’s no indication that he is acting upset or agitated in any way, he could be delivering every word in a flat monotone like a robot.

Wow, you were in the soccer team.” I asked Christian.

Yeah, the goalkeeper.” He answered me while we were walking by the street.

I’ve often wondered what happens to glassblowers when they get the hiccups. This is about as relevant to the narration as the inexplicable revelation that Christian played soccer, so I thought I’d share.

“Hi guys!” Sophia said and I think I jumped out of my skin.

In most fics I would consider that hyperbole, but in this strange pocket-‘verse I’m not ruling anything out.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Christian and I asked her in unison.

She’s doing what she does everywhere she goes – being completely useless. It’s her thing.

“I’m here to explain you guys some stuff.” Sophia said and we kept walking down the street.

If it’s “stuff” about how to be a Guardian Angel, that’s probably something she should have covered before sending them back to Earth and not while they are attending one of their own funerals.

“¿How are we able to use telepathy on the other one?” I asked Sophia who turned around and grabbed my hand and put it on Christian’s.

Is Sophia trying to play matchmaker now? This really doesn’t seem like a good time to be doing that.

“You guys are connected in some way that I don’t know how but only God seems to know how you are connected.” Sophia said while looking at us with a smile.

In other words, the author just shrugged and said “I dunno, but it sounded cool when I thunked it up” or whatever the Honduran equivalent would be.

“Okay. How do we hunt down demons?” Christian said while he took his hand off mine and I saw him blush.

So they’ve gone from passively shooting “unholy things” whenever they see them to actively hunting down demons, which I assume is what we are calling the “unholy things” now. I thought they were supposed to be Guardian Angels, shouldn’t Sophia the Wonder-Idiot have told them who they have been assigned to protect? They can’t just wander around aimlessly shooting people, that’s something only serial killers would do.

“When you feel a chill down your spine that means that one is close.” Sophia said while looking at my eyes and then she turned my face to look at Christian’s.

Or that they need to put on a sweater, one of those two. A lack of warm clothing and a sudden draft could prove disasterous for their fellow students come winter.

“What are you doing So…? AH YOUR EYES ARE GOLD!” Christian screamed at me and then his eyes turned gold too.

“Yours too.” I said and we started to panic.

Let’s make a quick list of what’s happened to these two so far;

  • they have been violently murdered
  • at least one (Haru-chan) watched friends and family grieve before climbing a Stairway to Heaven
  • once in the Big White Place, they were told that they are now Guardian Angels and will be sent back to Earth rather than being asked if that is something they are willing to do
  • they are each partnered with a complete stranger, again without anyone asking if this is something that they want to do
  • it is also revealed that they will have to kill “unholy things” when they return, once again without anyone asking if they are okay with this
  • once they are back on Earth, they attend their own funerals as complete strangers
  • they learn that they can communicate with each other inside their minds

Out of all of this, the fact that their frickin’ eyes are frickin’ changing frickin’ color is what makes them frickin’ panic?!?



“Calm down you two that’s normal.

Ah, well; if Sophia the Clueless Wonder says it’s okay then I know they’re doomed.

It when you can see other angels and also fallen angels but calm down we don’t annihilate fallen angels we just hope they retract themselves so we can forgive them or when they just die.” Sophia said.


Just … Wha?

Their eyes change color when they see angels or fallen angels, but they aren’t supposed to kill the fallen angels in case they want to repent or … die of causes other than being shot with the mystical gun-things, I guess? I’m not really clear on why this distinction is important or significant in any way. Are they supposed to ask the demons/fallen angels if they repent before attempting to shoot (but not kill) them?

Ugh, my brain hurts now.

“You make it sound so simple.” Another voice said and it was a girl with long red hair and angel wings.

:checks dictionary:

“Simple (adj.) – uncomplicated; taken by itself, with nothing added.”

:hits unknown speaker with dictionary:

Since Sophia was described as having long red hair and white wings, this must be some sort of angelic uniform. Maybe God has a thing for gingers.

“Hey Ave Maria.” Sophia said while she hugged the girl.

Ave Maria is the Latin name of a prayer, better known in English as Hail Mary. It’s an odd name, but since she appears to be another angel it might just be angel thing. (While we’re on the subject of names – Sophia means wisdom, which I find hilarious.)

“It’s stunning that you’re God’s secretary.” Ave Maria said.

Well, she’s right; I am stunned. It would explain a lot of what’s wrong with the world, though.

“Oh you must be confused. I’m Ave Maria, an archangel but you can call me Ave or Maria and I’m here to see how everything is but I see that everything is okay except for one thing…..¡YOU!.” Ave said and she grabbed Sophia’s ear.

“OW,OW,OW,OW,OW,OW,OW,OW!” Sophia said while Ave pulled her and then they flew off.

I was very confused, but after reading this through several times I think I’ve figured out what is going on. Ave Maria’s second comment is directed towards Haru-chan and Christian, even though there’s no indication that she ever stopped talking to Sophia, and she’s there doing some sort of inspection. Ave Maria has apparently decided that everything is hunky-dory with the two new Guardian Angels within ten seconds of meeting them (even though they both just had full-on panic attacks over their eyes changing color) so she is dragging God’s girl Friday back to Heaven by her ear.

“Well we should go look for something to you know get rid of sooo ¡AH!” Christian screamed.

:hides Lyle’s cattle prod:

I swear it wasn’t me.

It looks like Christian is suggesting they go hunting for a fallen angel/demon based on their eyes changing color, but wouldn’t the presence of Sophia and Ave Maria – two frickin’ angels – explain why their eyes changed? It’s odd that he would just assume that there’s another creature around, unless he has a color chart that lets him know how good or evil a nearby creature is based on what shade his eyes turn. If there is something wicked this way coming, that would mean the two angels (who presumably have some kind of mystical superpowers) callously abandoned them to the not-so-tender mercies of some unknown horror. I think this qualifies both of them for next year’s Douchebandonment award.

“What?” I asked and then he started walking in an alley.

Okay, where the hell is this funeral being held that there are actual streets and alleyways in the cemetary?

“I felt a chill down my spine.” Christian said while looking around.

Since Haru-chan has the exact same powers and is standing right beside you yet felt nothing, maybe it was just an ordinary “I’m on my way to my own funeral in this freakishly big cemetary” sort of spine-shiver.

“Okay. Well you go this way and I’ll go this way.” I said while walking in the opposite direction.


You know what would be super-awesome? If just once a character would not point vaguely into the Formless Void and say “I’m going that way” but would instead give an actual direction. I will figuratively poop a rainbow if that ever happens.

This seems sort of like the part in every horror movie where everyone starts yelling “Don’t split up!” at the screen, but I’m kinda rooting for the demons at this point so I don’t mind. Haru-chan is better off without him.

“What. We don’t even know how to use these things!” Christian screamed while pulling out his gun

While I’m thrilled that there is at least one character who is concerned about their utter lack of training, the fact that’s it’s the robodouche makes it feel like a hollow victory.

 and I turned around and said.”What are you scared or you think that you need to protect me.”

They are going demon-hunting alone with devices they have never used and have been given no instructions beyond “Pull the trigger.” They have no idea what these weapons do, nor do they know anything about the demons/fallen angels they are supposed to be hunting; they don’t know what these creatures are capable of, how many there will be, or even what they look like. If they are not pants-shittingly scared at this point then there is something majorly wrong with them.

And I gave him one of my host smiles and he blushed and he turned around and kept walking

They are on their way to his funeral after attending hers and have decided to go on their first demon/fallen angel hunt – is now really a good time to be flirting?

and then I felt a chill down my spine like the ones Kyouya-senpai would give me when he had that evil glare of his on his face

That doesn’t bode well for Kyoya’s future dealings with the fledgling demon hunters.

and then I saw a hot boy with black hair and black wings and a trench coat and he turned to see me with a smile but not the good kind.

“Oh hello Miss.” The boy said.

At least it wasn’t a smirk.

Since this is presumably a demon/”unholy thing”/fallen angel, hot could mean that he’s either really cute or he is literally on fire. I’m partial to the second one myself as it makes things more interesting.

What follows is perhaps the least exciting “action” sequence I have ever read. It’s like what I imagine watching a steel-cage deathmatch between a Wuzzle and a Care Bear would be like.

“Those are beautiful eyes you have and mostly when they are the color of an angel’s weapon.” He said and then he hugged me.

“Let me go now.” I said.

It appears that the demon-boy can tell that her eyes have changed to whatever mystery hue they change to in the presence of demons, which just happens to be the same unknown color that the angelic weapons are, thus letting the demon-boy know that she is a Guardian Angel? That seems like poor planning on God’s part, it would have been simpler to just make a bullseye appear on her forehead.

Christian, I’m being attacked by a demon right now.” I said.

I’m not at all familiar with martial arts so I’m going to have to check with Lyle, but I’m almost positive that a hug is not considered an attack move. Grabbing someone in a clinch to immobilize them is one thing, but a hug infers that the embrace is some sort of emotional response. Since he doesn’t appear to be carrying a weapon of any kind, maybe he’s just an overly-friendly fiendish abomination.

What you too!” he answered me.

They must be a unit. Try to release their grasp and kill it.” I said.

Kay.” Christian said.

I like how Haru-chan just sort of assumes that Christian’s demon is using the same “free hug” fighting style as the one holding her and hasn’t been beating him over the head with a tombstone.

“I’d suggest you’d let me go now before I kill you.” I said while some sarcasm in my voice.

:checks dictionary again:

“Sarcasm (n) – Insincerely saying something which is the opposite of one’s intended meaning, often to emphasize how unbelievable or unlikely it sounds if taken literally, thereby illustrating the obvious nature of one’s intended meaning.” For examples, please see nearly every post in the Library (including this one.)

:hits Haru-chan with dictionary:

“Really, well besides of being pretty, you are really sarcastic.” The boy said and he laughed

:hits demon-boy with dictionary:

No, she’s not. She is telling you point-blank that she wants to kill you because she wants to kill you. That’s not sarcasm, that’s a death threat. Since he knows by her Technicolor eyes that she is a Guardian Angel and she is holding her celestial gun-thing, he should not be treating this threat as if it’s a joke.

 and I stepped of his foot and ran when he let me go.

Hey, shouldn’t she be shooting him? What happened to her flawless “Make him let me go and then kill him” plan? That seemed pretty solid and well-thought-out to me.

:passes out popcorn:

Here comes my favorite part.

“Ah come on angel you can’t run from me.” He said and I felt another chill down my spine and I saw Christian getting his ass kicked by a demon girl.

Poor Christian, his rep is never going to be the same after this. It’s just his bad luck that he got stuck with the Asskicker Demon instead of the Demon of Inappropriate Touching.

“Dude how is it that you let that happen.” I said and the demon saw me and tried to jump me and I kicked her.

Because he’s a weak and unimaginative one-dimensional character in a poorly written work of fiction. Speaking of poorly written, why didn’t Haru-chan just shoot the demon-girl instead of letting her get close enough to kick her? Bullets do more damage than feet.

“Are you okay?” I asked Christian who was starting to get up.

I thought the whole “getting his ass kicked” was just an expression, but it seems that she actually had him down on the ground and was literally kicking him in the ass. :cheers: If he was in such a position, why didn’t she just go ahead and kill him?

“I’ll be okay when I kill that bitch.” Christian said while grabbing his gun and putting his foot on that demon girl’s chest.

Haru-chan not only kicked the demon-girl hard enough that she knocked her off of her feet, but the demon-girl was thoughtful enough to just lay there while Christian got to his feet, found his gun, and put his foot on her chest in an overly dramatic fashion rather than simply shooting her.

:flips through Marquess of Queensberry rules:

I don’t see that in here anywhere, but it does say “no hugging or clinching allowed” so the demon-boy is going to be in trouble with the fighting league.

“Ah please you wouldn’t shoot me hottie.” She said. “Not before your friend dies.”

“Hey angel.” The boy said and I felt his breath on my neck that almost made me jump out of my skin and he held me in his arms.

Ah, it’s Mr. Huggy! I was wondering where he had gotten to. He must be a very slow runner/flyer.

The author’s word choices are very odd where this demon-boy is concerned, it sounds more like he and Haru-chan are cuddling on a sofa instead of having a physical altercation.

“Let her go or I’ll shoot her.” Christian said and his voice sounded like it was trembling.

Offering to shoot Haru-chan if the demon doesn’t let her go really isn’t helping things here – unless the second “her” is the demon-girl, which would be helpful to know.

“I don’t need her. I only used her as a distraction so I could get my angel.” The boy said while caressing my face.

Why is Haru-chan letting him do this? He has no weapons and she was easily able to escape him before, which means that she is stronger than him, so what’s stopping her from breaking out of his grip, turning around, and shooting him in the chest? Even if she can’t get out of his arms, she knows where his face is – she can feel his breath. A sharp jerk of her head and demon-boy can say good-bye to breathing through his nose.

“I would recommend that you’d let me go.” I said while I grabbed my gun.

I would recommend that you get some personality.

:flips through notes:

Did she just get another gun out of the SDQF? Because I can’t find where she ever let go of the one she had before.

Okay what the hell are you doing?” Christian asked me.

I’ve been thinking the same thing for a long time.

Shut up, I have a plan.” I said.

What’s your plan: let this guy kill us.” Christian said with some anger in his voice.

Well, she’s already died once so there are no surprises there; she knows there’s a Heaven, that she’s going to end up there, and that they are pretty lax about who they send back to Earth and will even let her keep her old body, so …

Yeah, “Let him kill us” sounds like a surprisingly decent plan.

This is why it would have been a great idea to ask her if she wanted to go back and slay monsters rather than shoving a weapon in her hand and shackling her to an idiot; a drafted soldier may be reluctant to fight, but a volunteer will never stop.

You shoot his arm and when he lets go one of my arms, I’ll shoot him and the end, we win.” I said with some sarcasm in my voice.

:hits Haru-chan with dictionary again:

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

You make it sound so easy.” Christian said while sighing.

Actually, that sounds as far from easy as you can get.

Assuming that the demon-boy has at least one of his arms wrapped around Haru-chan at elbow-height (which is pretty much the only way to keep her from simply bending her arm at the elbow and shooting him in the face over her shoulder) then all over her vital bits are directly in the line of fire. They have never fired these guns before and have no idea if the bullet/laser/rabid plasma-weasel/whatever it uses as a projectile will penetrate the demon-boy’s arm and puncture a painful (or possibly fatal) hole in Haru-chan. They don’t even know how wide an area will be affected by the shot so it’s completely possible that both Haru-chan and the demon-boy will be injured or killed.

There’s also the fact that, based on his reactions to being given a weapon and being told to shoot things with it, Christian has most likely never held any sort of gun before. While handing a rank amateur a firearm and telling them to shoot it can be loads of fun in a casual setting, expecting them to hit anywhere near the target (especially while under a great deal of stress) is just not realistic.

 “Well angel, I’ll kill your friend here and then we can leave.” The boy said.

What about the demon-girl? She was just threatened by two people, one of them her own partner, doesn’t she have an opinion on the matter?

“Um, dude I don’t think so.” Christian said and shot him in the arm and then I turned around and shot him.

“Are you okay?” Christian said while running towards here.

Ummm … Is the demon-boy dead? Is anyone going to bother checking? A gunshot wound isn’t always instantly fatal, it’s possible the demon-boy is still alive and just super-pissed-off. Haru-chan should be intimately familiar with this, since Random Asshat’s first shot didn’t kill her.

And where is the demon-girl?

“Yeah let’s go.” I said and when I got to my apartment that I own now, I sat down in a couch.

Woah, that scene jump made me dizzy. Anyone else want a Dramamine?

I guess they are going to blow off going to his funeral, what with the barely-traumatic demon-slaying and everything. Christian also seems to have evaporated into the SDQF along with the demon-girl, but unfortunately he will probably be back in the next chapter.

Since no one ever told Haru-chan where she lived, I hope she had it written down somewhere. Maybe she was wearing one of those collars like pets have, with a tag reading “If found, please return to [blank].”

“Well tomorrow I’m going to Ouran as another person.” I said to myself and closed my eyes and I felt a cold tear fall out of my eyes.

:sirens blare:

Dammit, I almost made it to the end of the chapter!

:pulls rope:

Wait for it.

:loud squelchy noise:

That, noble Patrons, is the sound of ten thousand cow eyeballs falling onto a team of crack DRD agents. (They were handing out free samples at the slaughterhouse and I choose to ignore the unwritten “one per customer” rule.) I thought it appropriate for the occasion.

That’s all for this chapter, sweet Patrons! Join me next time for even more confusion and disappointment.

One Comment on “301: My Angel – Chapter Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Poor Christian, his rep is never going to be the same after this.

    Is it sad that I immediately thought about Sonichu creator Christian Weston Chandler when you said this?

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