299: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith – Chapter Four Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith
Author: Jedi472
Media: Movie
Topic: Star Wars / Land Before Time
Genre: Sci Fi / Adventure
URL: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith – Chapter 4
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back to another installment of A Jedi’s Destiny!

Last time, we were thrilled as our resident murderer-Stu, Markus, wandered aimlessly around the ship and talked to HK-47, an assassin protocol droid barfed up by the rift to be a walking exposition machine.  Nothing else really  happened.  When we stopped last time, Marcus has just given HK-47 the whole database of Earth’s entertainment media in order to explain their current situation.  Yes, because knowing how to sing Witchy Woman will certainly shed some light on their situation.

Anyway, HK-47 is somehow able to extrapolate some useful information from all that extremely pertinent information.  Mostly he figures out that Markus is from an alternate universe.  But there’s some more information:

Judging by your speech patterns, you have origins on the North American continent, and based on the fact that you managed to land this vessel, you seem to have a passing knowledge of my universe.

If by “passing knowledge” you mean “knows how to push the land button,” then yes, you are correct. Also, how does HK-47 know that our Stu here landed the craft? HK was activated AFTER the craft was landed and after the author Markus spent a bunch of time unconsious. It’s never mentioned in their conversation so for all HK should know, the starship started on the ground.

I think this goes back to my earlier moment of fridge logic. This fic counts as a piece of Earth’s entertainment media so he already knows everything that’s going to happen. If only he could spoil the ending and end the fic early.

Instead of spoiling the ending, HK instead ruminates about being a fictional character and then spontaneously drops the whole line of thought. Hk indicates that there is an R3 droid sitting in the corner that should be reactivated. I guess that’s one way to dodge the existential discussion about being a fictional character.

Markus, who had been listening the entire time, shook himself out of his stupor.

Sure he was. *wink*

So he activates the R3 droid which proceeds to scan him.

“What’s it doing?” Markus asked HK in a slightly nervous tone as the light shone across his body, traveling up and down rhythmically.

It went faster and faster, and pulsing as it-

Sorry, what’s going on again? Oh yes, so it turn out that our super-savvy, well-read, Star Wars expert here doesn’t know what a scan done by an R-type droid looks like. Did he even watch any of the movies?

“I believe it is scanning you, master. Is it angering you? May I blast it?” he replied, with an eager tone taking a blaster pistol out of a compartment in his leg, seeming like he was drawing it from a holster. Markus cursed himself silently for not seeing the hidden compartment.

Yes, heaven forbid our Stu should miss a built-in hidden pocket on a droid. A pocket that likely looks like any other mechanical junction on the driod. Where the hell were you in Stu college when they were going over the omnipotence portion of the course? And you call yourself a Stu. I am disappoint.

“No, no, it’s alright.” Markus said quickly, not wanting a possible ally blasted to scrap.

Whoa! He’s actually thinking about somebody else for once! I wonder what is so special about this R-unit that it would be-

Besides, his own R-unit would be cool, too.

Oh, so it was about him all along. Whew, for a second there I thought our Stu’s egocentricity was starting to wear off. Close call.

Now, it’s time for a plot contrivance! Woot!

“It says that it has been instructed to seek out and give the items it carries to a person of a certain ‘Force sensitivity’, someone who matches its Master profile. Apparently, it thinks that person is you.” HK translated, seemingly unfazed at the mention of the Force. Markus’ jaw dropped at the mention of the Force, and all he could do was stand there in shock, his brain struggling to comprehend what he was being told.

Of COURSE it’s him! Who else OTHER than the author-insertion murderer-Stu? With an entire database of Earth’s entertainment media, you certainly would have access to a vast glut of bad fanfiction. If anyone in the universe could spot a Gary Stu it should be you, HK.

“So I’m…I’m like a Jedi or something? ” Markus asked, completely dumbfounded at the prospect of being a Force-user. The R3 unit beeped again, whistling its message in a matter-of-fact tone.

Sith. It’s pronounced Sith, not Jedi.

For somebody who is so up on the Star Wars universe, he doesn’t really seem to know anything about it. Given his background of douchebaggery, murder, and Star Wars expertise, he may as well just admit that he’s Dark Side fodder.

But, just being a Force-user doesn’t really seem all that Stu-ish, really. Depending on what period in Star Wars we’re talking about, there were hundreds of Force users. I mean, it’s not really all that special if you think about it.

“Hmmm…very interesting. It appears that you are somewhere in the upper half of the Force spectrum, though I can’t pinpoint where. You have much potential, but you’ll need experience in order to reach your peak force efficiency.”

Ah, there we are. He’s not just any user, but a POWERFUL one. Now we’re talking.

We then shift into HYPER BORING MODE!

The R3 unit coughs up a lightsaber for Markus and he plays with it a bit. It apparently looks similar to the one Vader used, which excites Markus. *Cough* Sith *Cough*. He realizes that he’s hungry so he wanders around some more looking for food. He finds some emergency supplies, food, and a blaster in one of the PCC’s handy box-o-items.

After scarfing down some protein rations he’s back to talking to the droids. So… boring.

He gets R3’s name as R3-M4. The very same droid from the game that this ship is based on. Stu hands the blaster rifle, which he’s apparently been carrying around this whole time, to HK and they decide to explore outside around the ship. However, this rather leaves Stu unarmed, doesn’t it?

Markus handed him the rifle. He figured he wouldn’t need it anyway since he had the lightsaber.

*GONG*

NO! BAD AUTHOR! For somebody who claims to be a Star Wars expert, you seem to know absolutely nothing about Star Wars outside of the Knights of the Old Republic game.

In Star Wars canon, the lightsaber is one of the most difficult weapons to learn to use primarily because if you hold it wrong and swing it wrong, you’ll cut yourself in half. A lightsaber cuts through flesh like it isn’t there, so it takes YEARS of practice to boast even a modest proficiency with it. (Luke Skywalker actually breaks canon in that he gets good with the lightsaber in a relatively short period of time, which is highly unlikely.) Most Jedi have to go through rigorous sword training just so they know how to hold and use a blade in such a way that it never touches them. The fact that our Stu here is even considering using the lightsaber suggests that he has no knowledge of how easily he could kill himself with it. That’s a far cry from a person who’s supposed to be a Star Wars expert.

So they exit the ship and Markus takes a look around the forest that he landed in:

To Markus, who had rarely been outside of urban areas for six years of his life, the forest was both amazing and frightening.

Right, aside from the forest he walked through to escape the American science facility. And all the other forests/deserts/mountains that he likely had to travel through to get to the remote locations where most countries would stage extremely top-secret research projects. Naturally we’re not counting all of that exposure to nature.

“HK, what time is it locally?”Markus asked, wondering exactly how late it was.

What HK should say: “I have no idea as I have no basis for comparison. This is an alien planet so the exact day period could really be anything. But for you, let’s call it Stupid-O-clock.”

What HK actually says:

“About 0200 hours.” the droid said, then added. “Shall we get to work, Master?”

Again, the only way HK could know this is if he’s read ahead in the fic and knows they’re on prehistoric Earth.

Things get boring again as they examine the ship. The author just can’t help but regurgitate all kinds of techno-babble on how the ship works. After boring the audience to death, he decides to test his new Force powers. Of course he does.

Taking a break from the inspection, Markus decided to test his abilities. He remembered reading about the use of the Force, how the user stretched out their mind and analyzed the object, and he tried it out. He focused on a nearby fallen branch, felt it through the Force, then thought of it lifting into the air. Amazingly, it did, rising a full meter, wobbling slightly.

Impressive, master.” HK looked on, watching his new master with interest. “Perhaps you’d like to test your skill with the lightsaber.” Three small spheres flew out of the exit hatch, and zooming toward him. Markus whipped the lightsaber out and, before anything happened, chopped the first remote in half with a horizontal swing. The others fired blaster bolts at him, and he moved swiftly, expertly deflecting them. He felt sharp, quick, unnatural, almost as if he knew what would happen before it did, like the bolts went into slow-motion and allowed him to intercept them before reverting back to normal speed.

*GONG*

Not even Luke mastered the Force and lightsaber that quickly. Luke was a special case where he was able to learn a lot about being a Jedi from Yoda in an amazingly small amount of time. Most Jedi required years of intense training to start being able to move stuff and deflect laser blasts at will. This is officially another shenanigans moment.

Hold on, Herr W. showed me how to make these things.

*Heads off to his workbench for a while*

Lets see here: The empire resurrecting a 4000 year old Sith Lord using only the information on an ancient datapad, Littlefoot’s prophetic dream, teleporting onto a ship that had been upgraded using only the magic of subspace, the ship being the same one that was used in the mission to defeat the aforementioned Sith Lord, HK-47 having a randomly encyclopedic knowledge of their situation, the land button, and Markus being immediately skilled the use of the Force and lightsaber.

*Whaps button seven times*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans Count: 7

There we go.

When the deflected bolts hit their targets, the other remotes retreated into the ship. Markus turned to HK angrily and said, ” What the hell was that for?”

“Relax, master. They only fired weak stun bolts. You did remarkably well for your first time.”

Yes, a flawless victory over the drones on his first try; a passable performance at best.

Markus felt the distinct feel of the lightsaber, the weightless blade moving without hesitation as he waved it.

*SIREN BLARES*

Aw hell.

*DRD Storms into the room*

The redundancies that you’re looking for are not these redundancies that you’re looking for.

*Waves hand and DRD leaves*

We finish up the this fascinating piece of the fic with one last little failure:

Over the course of several hours, Markus spent the time learning new force powers, most of which he had prior knowledge of, making the self-teaching process quick and easy. He was incredibly intrigued by how fast his mastery spread through the core powers, and he felt that these skills would become very useful soon.

*Hits button*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans Count: 8

Knowing ABOUT Force powers is not even close to the same as being able to use them.  Just because you’ve seen people use a unicycle while juggling, and you understand the mechanics of how it’s done, does not mean you can pick it up with just a few hours practice.  Any possibility that Markus here could become anything other than a 2-dimensional Gary-Stu author-insertion has pretty much evaporated… and we’re only halfway through the fourth chapter.

At this point we get a line-break, so it’s a good place to stop.  Join me next week as Littlefoot basks in the overwhelmingly rank aura of our Stu here for a whole quarter of a chapter.

I need a drink.  If you DRD boys are still out there, let’s go bar hopping to some bars.


10 Comments on “299: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith – Chapter Four Part Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Instead of spoiling the ending, HK instead ruminates about being a fictional character and then spontaneously drops the whole line of thought. Hk indicates that there is an R3 droid sitting in the corner that should be reactivated. I guess that’s one way to dodge the existential discussion about being a fictional character.

    Which is kinda maddening, because if you’re toing to bring up an existential question like that you better be damn prepared to follow through with it.

    But then again, everything else with this fic happened, so… yeah. I think we all know how that was gonna end.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    *Heads off to his workbench for a while*

    Lets see here: The empire resurrecting a 4000 year old Sith Lord using only the information on an ancient datapad, Littlefoot’s prophetic dream, teleporting onto a ship that had been upgraded using only the magic of subspace, the ship being the same one that was used in the mission to defeat the aforementioned Sith Lord, HK-47 having a randomly encyclopedic knowledge of their situation, the land button, and Markus being immediately skilled the use of the Force and lightsaber.

    *Whaps button seven times*

    Extreme Plot Shenanigans Count: 7

    XDDD

    I was rolling on the floor laughing when I read that. Well played, Taco.

  3. Kate says:

    Is it just me, or does something about HK-47’s speech pattern remind you of JARVIS?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hm… Actually, now that you mention it, that does seem oddly OOC for HK-47. I don’t know as much about KotOR as I probably should, but I know that HK-47 is supposed to be mean and snarky–which is the opposite of what Jarvis is. So… yeah.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Yeah, this HK-47 has been afflicted with the dreaded Stu-Worship virus. It causes him to drop all canon characteristics in favor of helping the resident Stu appear more awesome.

  4. Mr. Rofapofagus says:

    “NO! BAD AUTHOR! For somebody who claims to be a Star Wars expert, you seem to know absolutely nothing about Star Wars outside of the Knights of the Old Republic game”

    Actually, that makes his thought process even worse. Remember, in the Knights of the Old Republic games, blaster rifles and weapons of that type were actually serious threats to Lightsaber users in the game. His logic is so awful, it even beats the prequels, because even there, it shows Jedis dying by the truckload to “simple” blasters. Hell, Obi-Wan had to use one to kill Grievous.

    But then, this stu couldn’t reach his maximum level of “fuck you, I’m awesome” without that, and we know that the writer absolutely refuses to not optimize the advantages to his self-insert, er, character.

  5. DawnFire says:

    “He felt sharp, quick, unnatural, almost as if he knew what would happen before it did, *like the bolts went into slow-motion and allowed him to intercept them before reverting back to normal speed*.”

    This is the point where I pointed at the screen and screamed, “MATRIX!”

    Seriously? Slow-motion bolts? Honestly, all I’m seeing is Neo avoiding the bullets towards the end of the first Matrix movie.

    …wait, does that make it a triple crossover? Is the entire fic actually taking place in the matrix, and it’ll end with them fighting the agents? Or–or–is the re-born Darth Malak an agent?? Aahh…

    Hm. I may be a little paranoid. Anything is possible in badfic, though.

    ~DF

    • Or … What if SithStu is in the Matrix and a virus has caused portions of the entertainment databanks (specifically the portions containing Star Wars and Land Before TIme) to become corrupt and bleed into his area of the mainframe? That would explain why he has the datapad of infinite knowledge while still being in the SW universe, the corrupt files are being played as part of the virtual world.

      • TacoMagic says:

        It makes even more sense if Markus is the virus.

        • DawnFire says:

          To both of you, YES. That makes so much sense!

          …wait, does that mean that Darth Malak is a rebel? I mean, if he’s fighting Markus-the-virus…

          …this is probably the only time ever that I’m going to be on a Sith’s side, isn’t it.

          ~DF


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