275: Asari Healing – Chapter ThreePosted: June 21, 2012
Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic: Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
URL: Asari Healing Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello once again, guys, and welcome back to Asari Healing. This part of the snarking covers chapter 3, which is also the last chapter of this festival of insanity. And this is also my last chapter on break from Parallel Realities, so once we’re done with this… well, it’ll be back to shitty-ass logic, poorly paced action scenes, and tons of plot regurgitation.
Well, this snarking isn’t gonna finish itself, so let’s get going, shall we?
Last time on Asari Healing, we left off with Qui-Gon Jinn being kidnapped by Edward Cullen of Twilight fame for… evil experiments. Or something along those lines, I think. Obi-Wan and Anakin both follow in hot pursuit, along with Commander Shepard of the Normandy, who got called in by some matriarch asari who had healed Qui-Gon with the power of reproductive rituals.
And since this fic has long since discarded the notion of ‘making sense’, you can guarantee that from here on out shit is gonna go wild. So let’s dive right–.
*checks the above link*
Holy shit, did Jedi Qui-Gon actually delete this story?
Ah, well. Let’s get going, shall we?
Our final chapter begins with this:
The Normandy takes off and flies into space.
“How long will it take to get there?” Seneya asks Joker.
“The coordinates point to a planet fifty trillion light years away, it will take thirty five hours to get there.” Joker says.
It only takes 35 hours to go across fifty trillion light-years. Is now the time to remind you that a light-year converts into miles at a rate of 5,878,625,000,000 miles per light-year?
But hey, the Normandy is apparently able to go back in time to “a long time ago,” so sure, why the hell not?
“I hope we get there in time. I feel really bad for Qui-Gon, I hope nothing bad happens to him.”
“If they do something, they will regret it!”
“You can tell how heroic I am because I am saying the bad guys will regret it! Fear my goodness!”
On the planet fifty trillion light years away, the villains land in Forks, Washington. They take Qui-Gon into a building with a giant movie theatre screen.
A giant movie theater screen? Uh… what kind of scientific experiments would be held in a freaking movie theater, of all places? I mean… the heck?
Oh no. He’s not going to do a variation on the Ludovico technique is he?
Oh, fuck, he is…
Qui-Gon starts to wake up again. He sees the screen and he is still tied up tight.
“You are awake; now, you will say this with me. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are the hottest couple ever!”
“I will not repeat what you say!”
“Do you want to be forced to watch all the Twilight movies until you say it?”
“You will never make me say it! When Matriarch Seneya arrives, you will wish you never took me away!”
Okay, so let me get this straight…
Edward Cullen kidnaps Qui-Gon Jinn from the Jedi Temple on the pretense of performing scientific experiments on him. When Edward Cullen brings him to his non-canon theater in Forks, however, he drops all pretense of this being for science, and instead says that he will now attempt to brainwash Qui-Gon into becoming the Star Wars equivalent of a Twilight fangirl. All this because…
Oh wait, I’m trying to find something that makes sense in this fic. Let me adjust my reaction accordingly:
Dur-hur, I liek spessships huuuuuuur… *drools*
The Twilight fiends start up the screen. One of the fiends duct tapes Qui-Gon’s mouth shut. Another Twilight fiend uses clamps to keep Qui-Gon’s eyes wide open. Qui-Gon can not move his head at all, the movie starts.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Qui-Gon screams as he is tortured by the horribleness of the movies.
Okay, this makes no sense even by the insane logic that this story runs on. I mean…
Well, I’ve actually seen one of the Twilight movies. (New Moon, to be precise.) It was a terrible, terrible movie, but I was never actually tortured by it. Really, my reaction was more that of extreme annoyance than it was any horror on my part. I never thought it could be used to torture people, though if there was someone tortured by it I imagine that the Twilight franchise would make better torture than looping that stupid song from Barney and Friends the way The Men Who Stare At Goats did. Doesn’t make it any less plausible, though.
Also, fic, you’re only now telling me that every other Twilight character is involved in this fic as well?
I’d normally relish the times when the cast of Twilight would be played as the unlikable douchenozzles that they are, but their actions here are so completely over the top and even out of character that I can’t be bothered to like the rampant Twilight bashing at all.
For the next thirty three hours, Qui-Gon is tortured by the movies, the Twilight characters laugh like maniacs.
See? This fic has managed to strip every single Twilight character of their nearly non-existent dignity by suddenly transforming them into the lamest Saturday morning cartoon villains ever. What is even going on here?
In the Global Power Generator under Forks, a creature is killing people.
Wait, so there’s now a power generator that powers the entire world that is sort of just sitting there under Forks, Washington.
It reaches the control room and kills everyone in the room.
“HAHAHAHA! I am unstoppable!” the creature says as it shuts down the primary power.
Uh… what is this creature? Why does it want to shut down the primary power? Why did it kill everyone in the room?
All forms of communication shut down along with all TVs and movie screens.
Oh, that’s why the whole entire world was run by one massive power plant situated underneath some small town in Washington State. Yeah, because we all know that someone being able to shut down every form of communication simultaneously from one place is not a plot contrivance in any way at all. Do walkie-talkies or cell phones not exist in this world! Or are they not powered by batteries in whatever bizarro universe this fic is taking place in?
Sure. Why the fuck not?
“Now, we can invade and turn everyone on this world into one of us!” the creature says to the fleet through a COM line.
Wait, a fleet managed to creep up on the world where Edward Cullen was sitting around, and nobody noti—?
*is hit in the face*
*stands up, shaking his head*
Oh. Yeah, you may have noticed the little boxing glove on a rig I installed from the desk in front of me. I installed that there as a back-up alarm in case I forget that logic has basically been thrown out the window. It wasn’t working until now for some reason, but hey, it’s functional now, right?
Anyway, let’s continue.
The Twilight characters start panicking.
“The Twilight characters.” “The other good guys”.
I get the feeling that descriptive labeling is not this fic’s strong suit.
“Now, this is time! The affects of the drug are gone along with the affects of the movie. Force, let me out!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he uses the Force to remove the clamps and loosens the ropes.
I’m pretty sure that the Force does not work that way. Weird how he shows excellent research in some areas and absolutely none whatsoever in others.
Also, I called it! He was trying to use a variation of the Ludovico technique! Though… what the hell was he trying to—?
*reels back after being whacked in the face*
Right. There I go again.
“AGHHHHHH!” a Twilight character screams as he gets tackled to the ground by the creatures called Imperium.
Uh… which Twilight character? Jacob? Carlisle? Emmett? Bella’s father? One of the Volturis? Who?
Seriously, fic; first you turn them into the most over the top villains imaginable, and now you can’t even be bothered to name these Twilight characters as they’re getting themselves killed off by these unexplained monsters that just randomly showed up?
This is beyond bashing, folks: this has now officially entered strawman territory.
One of the creatures sees the Jedi Master and lunges at him.
“I have to move!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself, he leaps away from the chair and falls to the floor twenty feet away. He gets back up and runs out the door.
Oh, dear, and now Qui-Gon is narrating his every action. I’m surprised he forgot to narrate his running out the door.
“That was too close. Good thing the power got cut off.
Wait… if the power was off, then how did you manage to get out of there without running into another crea—?
Right. Logic. Never mind me, then.
The affects of the drug cut me off from the Force, and then they make me watch the horrible movies.
Right, so the drugs were there to make sure Zombie Qui-Gon couldn’t use the force. Huh, it’s almost like the significance of the drugs was pulled out of the magic sorting hat of plot contrivance!
Guess the movies were to keep me suffering and kept me from concentrating on the Force after the drug wore off.”
Well, I guess Zombie Qui-Gon also has incredibly shitty deduction skills, if the fact that he couldn’t figure out that these guys were trying to brainwash him is any indication. Though, I can’t say I blame him: if Edward and the gang were using an offshoot of the Ludovico technique, they would’ve gotten the opposite of what they set out to achieve.
I think. Their motivations change so often that I’ll be damned if I could tell you exactly what it was they were trying to achieve. So for now, I’ll just say Edward kidnapped Qui-Gon Jinn for giggles and I’ll leave it at that.
Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he runs as fast as he can to a cluster of bushes. He hides in the middle of the cluster and notices a tall building in the distance.
A tall building in the distance? Lemme guess, he’s gonna head for that, isn’t he?
In Forks, Washington, terror is ripping through. The Imperium are descending from drop ships and killing Twilight characters by shoving gray stuff down their throats.
The Imperium? What the hell is the Imperium? There are no Imperium in the Mass Effect canon, there are none in the Star Wars canon, and there are none in the Twilight canon. In fact, entering ‘Imperium monsters’ into a Google search doesn’t pull up any monsters from any canon, and entering ‘Imperium creatures’ into a Google search turns up a bunch of Spore-related results.
So I guess that means we’re left to assume that–
It was the DC Universe’s Imperium?
Huh. I guess I can kind of see that. Now if only it weren’t some obscure part of the DC Animated Universe that most people wouldn’t get on a first reading…
Also, everyone in the town of Forks is now apparently a character in the Twilight franchise. I didn’t think you could have an entire town of minor and supporting characters, but there you have it.
“If I can reach the top of the tall building, I can get the attention of any good guys when they come.” the Jedi Master thinks to himself as he gets back up after catching his breath.
Good luck with that: I hear that doing things like that tends to attract attention to yourself so the guys you’re trying to run from notice you there too.
Qui-Gon stays as sneaky as a ninja and heads towards the building. He narrowly avoids being seen several times.
This, ladies and gentlemen, constitutes an action scene. Yeah, because two sentences of description is such a great way to build tension!
“That is the entrance, I need to be fast!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself. He sees no patrols nearby for the moment and then runs to the entrance. The Jedi opens the door and slips in.
“Now, I just need to find a weapon.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he looks for a weapon.
You couldn’t just—?
He finds a long metal pole. “I can infuse it with the Force.”
I’m fairly certain that this is impossible to do with the Force. It’s possible to do with biotics in the Mass Effect canon (see: Warp Ammo in the second and third games), but it’s not possible with the Force.
The Jedi Master sees the stairs and goes up the stairs.
He reaches the roof in minutes using the Force; the Jedi opens the door carefully. “No sight of monsters or the fiends who took me here.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself.
And cue Qui-Gon running into one of the things he was running from in three… two… one…
He walks outside and then hears a voice.
“How did you escape alive?” the sparklepire named Edward Cullen yells in anger.
His entire world is being taken over by random plot monsters, his plans have fallen apart, everyone he’s ever loved and known is being killed as he speaks, and his main concern is the fact that Qui-Gon Jinn is escaping?
Wow, I guess Edward Cullen really is a cold unfeeling bastard after all. Except for the fact that he already kind of was manipulative and jerkish enough without the misplaced priorities, so….
What, exactly, was the point of turning him into Dr. Robotnik’s protégé?
“I was being smart and sneaky to escape. I have the Force by my side.”
“The Force will not save you!” Edward yells at Qui-Gon as he leaps at the Jedi.
Oh, trust me, Zombie Qui-Gon, nothing can save you now. As a rule of thumb, you’re automatically doomed if you’re in a story like this.
Qui-Gon quickly blocks Edward’s blade with his Force infused metal pole.
Whoah! Where the hell did Edward Cullen get a blade? Wow, I didn’t think Edward had access to the situationally-dependent quantum flux, but there you have it.
The Normandy exits FTL flight and engages stealth systems.
Oh, wait, sorry Edward Cullen fight, we’ve gotta get to the Normandy coming in. Yeah, we’re not missing out on anything interesting here.
Joker flies the ship towards the planet and Seneya guides him with her ability to sense where Qui-Gon is.
Uh, yeah, no asari in existence can sense someone else using their biotics. If they could, the first game would’ve been over in ten seconds. Get Liara onto the ship, get her to sense where Saren is, bam, game over. And besides, the Force is not the same as biotics, so I have no idea how such person-seeking abilities for the asari would work anyway.
Qui-Gon Force pushes Edward away. “I sense them, they are here.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself. The Normandy approaches and slows to a stop near the rooftop.
“You will never get out alive!” the sparklepire named Edward Cullen yells as he rushes at Qui-Gon. The door to the rooftop is kicked open and several Imperium shoot and stun Edward Cullen.
I’m so glad that Edward Cullen got taken out by these random aliens that have come right out of nowhere and provided an unneeded secondary antagonist to what was already a story that ran on insane logic. That doesn’t cheapen the antagonism between Qui-Gon and Edward in any way at all!
“I need to get out of here!” the Jedi Master thinks to himself as he throws his weapon to the ground in a desperate bid to escape.
Why did you do that? There was nobody grabbing it, and there was nobody trying to pin you down with it. What, did you suddenly hate your weapon so much that—?
He runs towards the Normandy and jumps towards the ship. He almost makes it and misses the ledge.
“Not on my watch!” Mordin Solus yells as he grabs Qui-Gon by the arm. Mordin Solus is a Salarian. He pulls Qui-Gon into the Normandy.
Wait, so Mordin is on the ship. I can discount this being the middle of Mass Effect 3 seeing as how this story was published at around the time that Mass Effect 3 had been announced, which leaves us with this thing being set in Mass Effect 2.
In that case, how the hell did the asari matriarch on Thessia get ahold of the Normandy? The Normandy wasn’t exactly answering to the Alliance or the Council during ME2, so that leaves us to answer how the hell the asari matriarch called them.
Is it me, or is my rigged punching implement jammed right now?
Matriarch Seneya and Liara T’Soni are powering a huge Biotic Barrier and an Imperium drop ship shows up.
If Mordin is on this ship which thus makes this ME2, then how the hell is Liara on board? What is she even doing there?
It tries to shoot the Normandy but the shield stops the lasers. The special thing about the barrier is that it allows the good guys to attack enemies without the attacks being stopped by the shield.
Ooh, that’s the DRD. Thankfully, I have those traps that Taco made for me set up right outside my door. I wonder how much these guys like fast food burgers…
*hears the sounds of mouse traps going off*
They like them quite a lot, apparently.
Oh yeah, and that kind of barrier going up against a space weapon is kind of redundant too. You know, because the Normandy already has shields against that kind of thing? Oh yeah, and a biotic barrier that’s large enough to cover the Normandy would be severely taxing on any asari: if Liara and that Seneya lady are still conscious after that, I’m going to be surprised.
Seriously, what’s up with my self-punching implement?
“Take this!” Wrex says as he aims the M-920 Cain and fires it straight at the Imperium drop ship. The blast cripples the ship and it falls to the ground.
Okay, so the fic knows about the M-920 Cain. Which means that it knows finer points of the Mass Effect series, but it doesn’t actually give a damn about adhering to the continuity of the series or anything.
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
“Joker, get us out of here!” Commander Shepard yells as he fires at the Imperium single trooper platforms.
“We are out of here!” Joker yells as the hatch closes and the Normandy shoots off into space and beyond at 413 times light speed.
If the Normandy could actually go at 413 times the speed of light, there would be no need for the mass relays to even exist! What the hell…?
On the rooftop, an Imperium is about to shove gray stuff down Edward Cullen’s throat.
“If you end me, Bella, Jacob Black, and the Cullens will still defeat you!” Edward says to the creature.
“We already killed them all. None of your kind escaped! We are going to terraform this world and make it our home world!” the creature says before shoving gray stuff into his throat and killing the last of the Twilight characters.
You just used the word ‘terraform’. I don’t think you actually know what that word means. I mean, I assume you breathe the same atmosphere since you haven’t expired yet after invading this world for so long…
Okay, what’s going on with my punching implement? It’s like it—
Ow, right in the nose!
Well, at least it’s working now.
Okay. We have one more scene to go. Let’s do this.
The Normandy is in FTL flight. The heroes will arrive at Thessia in thirty five hours.
Why not take him back to the Jedi Temple? It takes the same amount of time to get there as it does to get to Thessia from there, apparently. And besides, it would make more sense for Qui-Gon to…
Yeah, I shouldn’t finish that. It might trigger my punching implement.
“Qui-Gon, are you okay?” Matriarch Seneya asks the Jedi Master.
“No. I was tortured. They forced me to watch the horrible movies. They duct taped my mouth shut and used clamps to keep my eyes open. The torture did not end until the power shut down.”
“I feel so terrible for you. Why did they do that?” Seneya says as she hugs Qui-Gon and sheds some tears.
You tell me, lady. I had about as much luck figuring out his motivations as I did trying to figure out what the fuck kind of plot I was supposed to be reading here.
“Those Twilight fiends got what they deserved! The Imperium may have wiped them all out. Good thing an ancient race warned us about the threat attacking Twilight world just before we arrived.” Commander Shepard says.
“You got that right, Commander. They called themselves the Ancients, that name fits them for being a several billion year old race. They told us to get Qui-Gon and fly away like there was no tomorrow.” Joker says to Shepard.
Okay, that does it. I’ve held it off as long as I can, but for cryin’ out loud, there’s only so much a guy can take!
Story, are you even trying to be coherent? It’s bad enough that you were already running on the most insane logic possible: now you have to do something like have some random alien race get pulled out of your ass at the last possible minute?
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Well, since the fic has clearly given up by this point, it’s clear I shouldn’t be worrying about all the details, so let’s just get it over with.
“Qui-Gon, do you want to come to Thessia for a few months? You can decide to stay longer than that. A bad guy would have to be a fool to try to get to you, all Asari use Biotic powers.” Seneya says to Qui-Gon.
“Yes. Can I use the COM lines to talk to Obi-Wan and Anakin when we get there? I still want to be able to teach them stuff about the Jedi and other things.”
“Yes, you can. We are going to be okay from now on. The threat posed by the Twilight characters is never coming back.”
I’m not even going to attempt dissecting what’s wrong with Zombie Qui-Gon going over to Thessia for a few months. I’d be here all year if I tried, especially since this story gave up the concept of “making sense” a long, long time ago.
Seriously, what unholy motivation could possibly have spawned something this nonsensical?
The reason I typed this story is because I hate the Twilight characters. I have heard that girls are dumping guys for not being like Edward Cullen. Also, I think that Twilight is anti-Feminist! It sends Feminism back hundreds of years! This fueled my hatred of Twilight to the point where I had to type this.
Okay. So this whole story was intended as the most over-the-top Twilight bashing in existence. It was intended as Twilight bashing…
…and yet you gave Edward Cullen a spaceship, didn’t identify half the cast of Twilight when you were bashing them, threw everyone so OOC they wouldn’t be able to see their canon selves with the Hubble telescope, threw in Star Wars and Mass Effect for no reason, titled it Asari Healing rather than something that would’ve clued us in to the Twilight bashing, had the story make no fucking sense whatsoever, and waited until halfway through the story to bring in the Twilight characters.
That… that does it. What even is this? I just… what is even…?
What I’ve just read is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in this rambling, incoherent story was it even close to anything that could be considered a rational plot. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having read it. I award this fic no points, and may God have mercy on its soul.
No, it would not have done just fine! It really would not!
Seriously. I think I’m ready to return to Parallel Realities now. I just… After all that…
I’ll see you guys next week, patrons. I’ll see you next week when we jump back into the massive pile of fail that is Parallel Realities.