275: Asari Healing – Chapter Three

Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic:  Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure
URL: Asari Healing Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello once again, guys, and welcome back to Asari Healing. This part of the snarking covers chapter 3, which is also the last chapter of this festival of insanity. And this is also my last chapter on break from Parallel Realities, so once we’re done with this… well, it’ll be back to shitty-ass logic, poorly paced action scenes, and tons of plot regurgitation.

Well, this snarking isn’t gonna finish itself, so let’s get going, shall we?

Last time on Asari Healing, we left off with Qui-Gon Jinn being kidnapped by Edward Cullen of Twilight fame for… evil experiments. Or something along those lines, I think. Obi-Wan and Anakin both follow in hot pursuit, along with Commander Shepard of the Normandy, who got called in by some matriarch asari who had healed Qui-Gon with the power of reproductive rituals.

And since this fic has long since discarded the notion of ‘making sense’, you can guarantee that from here on out shit is gonna go wild. So let’s dive right–.

Whoah!

*checks the above link*

Holy shit, did Jedi Qui-Gon actually delete this story?

Ah, well. Let’s get going, shall we?

Our final chapter begins with this:

The Normandy takes off and flies into space.

“How long will it take to get there?” Seneya asks Joker.

“The coordinates point to a planet fifty trillion light years away, it will take thirty five hours to get there.” Joker says.

*snerk*

It only takes 35 hours to go across fifty trillion light-years. Is now the time to remind you that a light-year converts into miles at a rate of 5,878,625,000,000 miles per light-year?

But hey, the Normandy is apparently able to go back in time to “a long time ago,” so sure, why the hell not?

“I hope we get there in time. I feel really bad for Qui-Gon, I hope nothing bad happens to him.”

“If they do something, they will regret it!”

“You can tell how heroic I am because I am saying the bad guys will regret it! Fear my goodness!”

On the planet fifty trillion light years away, the villains land in Forks, Washington. They take Qui-Gon into a building with a giant movie theatre screen.

A giant movie theater screen? Uh… what kind of scientific experiments would be held in a freaking movie theater, of all places? I mean… the heck?

Oh no. He’s not going to do a variation on the Ludovico technique is he?

Oh, fuck, he is…

Qui-Gon starts to wake up again. He sees the screen and he is still tied up tight.

“You are awake; now, you will say this with me. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are the hottest couple ever!”

“I will not repeat what you say!”

“Do you want to be forced to watch all the Twilight movies until you say it?”

“You will never make me say it! When Matriarch Seneya arrives, you will wish you never took me away!”

“Too bad!”

Okay, so let me get this straight…

Edward Cullen kidnaps Qui-Gon Jinn from the Jedi Temple on the pretense of performing scientific experiments on him. When Edward Cullen brings him to his non-canon theater in Forks, however, he drops all pretense of this being for science, and instead says that he will now attempt to brainwash Qui-Gon into becoming the Star Wars equivalent of a Twilight fangirl. All this because…

Because…

Oh wait, I’m trying to find something that makes sense in this fic. Let me adjust my reaction accordingly:

Dur-hur, I liek spessships huuuuuuur… *drools*

The Twilight fiends start up the screen. One of the fiends duct tapes Qui-Gon’s mouth shut. Another Twilight fiend uses clamps to keep Qui-Gon’s eyes wide open. Qui-Gon can not move his head at all, the movie starts.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Qui-Gon screams as he is tortured by the horribleness of the movies.

Okay, this makes no sense even by the insane logic that this story runs on. I mean…

Well, I’ve actually seen one of the Twilight movies. (New Moon, to be precise.) It was a terrible, terrible movie, but I was never actually tortured by it. Really, my reaction was more that of extreme annoyance than it was any horror on my part. I never thought it could be used to torture people, though if there was someone tortured by it I imagine that the Twilight franchise would make better torture than looping that stupid song from Barney and Friends the way The Men Who Stare At Goats did. Doesn’t make it any less plausible, though.

Also, fic, you’re only now telling me that every other Twilight character is involved in this fic as well?

I’d normally relish the times when the cast of Twilight would be played as the unlikable douchenozzles that they are, but their actions here are so completely over the top and even out of character that I can’t be bothered to like the rampant Twilight bashing at all.

For the next thirty three hours, Qui-Gon is tortured by the movies, the Twilight characters laugh like maniacs.

See? This fic has managed to strip every single Twilight character of their nearly non-existent dignity by suddenly transforming them into the lamest Saturday morning cartoon villains ever. What is even going on here?

In the Global Power Generator under Forks, a creature is killing people.

Wait, so there’s now a power generator that powers the entire world that is sort of just sitting there under Forks, Washington.

Uh… why?

It reaches the control room and kills everyone in the room.

“HAHAHAHA! I am unstoppable!” the creature says as it shuts down the primary power.

Uh… what is this creature? Why does it want to shut down the primary power? Why did it kill everyone in the room?

All forms of communication shut down along with all TVs and movie screens.

Oh, that’s why the whole entire world was run by one massive power plant situated underneath some small town in Washington State.  Yeah, because we all know that someone being able to shut down every form of communication simultaneously from one place is not a plot contrivance in any way at all. Do walkie-talkies or cell phones not exist in this world! Or are they not powered by batteries in whatever bizarro universe this fic is taking place in?

*headdesk*

Sure. Why the fuck not?

“Now, we can invade and turn everyone on this world into one of us!” the creature says to the fleet through a COM line.

Wait, a fleet managed to creep up on the world where Edward Cullen was sitting around, and nobody noti—?

*BAM*

*is hit in the face*

*stands up, shaking his head*

Oh. Yeah, you may have noticed the little boxing glove on a rig I installed from the desk in front of me. I installed that there as a back-up alarm in case I forget that logic has basically been thrown out the window. It wasn’t working until now for some reason, but hey, it’s functional now, right?

Anyway, let’s continue.

The Twilight characters start panicking.

“The Twilight characters.” “The other good guys”.

I get the feeling that descriptive labeling is not this fic’s strong suit.

“Now, this is time! The affects of the drug are gone along with the affects of the movie. Force, let me out!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he uses the Force to remove the clamps and loosens the ropes.

I’m pretty sure that the Force does not work that way. Weird how he shows excellent research in some areas and absolutely none whatsoever in others.

Also, I called it! He was trying to use a variation of the Ludovico technique! Though… what the hell was he trying to—?

*BAM*

*reels back after being whacked in the face*

Right. There I go again.

“AGHHHHHH!” a Twilight character screams as he gets tackled to the ground by the creatures called Imperium.

Uh… which Twilight character? Jacob? Carlisle? Emmett? Bella’s father? One of the Volturis? Who?

Seriously, fic; first you turn them into the most over the top villains imaginable, and now you can’t even be bothered to name these Twilight characters as they’re getting themselves killed off by these unexplained monsters that just randomly showed up?

This is beyond bashing, folks: this has now officially entered strawman territory.

One of the creatures sees the Jedi Master and lunges at him.

“I have to move!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself, he leaps away from the chair and falls to the floor twenty feet away. He gets back up and runs out the door.

Oh, dear, and now Qui-Gon is narrating his every action. I’m surprised he forgot to narrate his running out the door.

“That was too close. Good thing the power got cut off.

Wait… if the power was off, then how did you manage to get out of there without running into another crea—?

*BAM*

Right. Logic. Never mind me, then.

The affects of the drug cut me off from the Force, and then they make me watch the horrible movies.

Right, so the drugs were there to make sure Zombie Qui-Gon couldn’t use the force. Huh, it’s almost like the significance of the drugs was pulled out of the magic sorting hat of plot contrivance!

Guess the movies were to keep me suffering and kept me from concentrating on the Force after the drug wore off.”

Well, I guess Zombie Qui-Gon also has incredibly shitty deduction skills, if the fact that he couldn’t figure out that these guys were trying to brainwash him is any indication. Though, I can’t say I blame him: if Edward and the gang were using an offshoot of the Ludovico technique, they would’ve gotten the opposite of what they set out to achieve.

I think. Their motivations change so often that I’ll be damned if I could tell you exactly what it was they were trying to achieve. So for now, I’ll just say Edward kidnapped Qui-Gon Jinn for giggles and I’ll leave it at that.

Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he runs as fast as he can to a cluster of bushes. He hides in the middle of the cluster and notices a tall building in the distance.

A tall building in the distance? Lemme guess, he’s gonna head for that, isn’t he?

In Forks, Washington, terror is ripping through. The Imperium are descending from drop ships and killing Twilight characters by shoving gray stuff down their throats.

The Imperium? What the hell is the Imperium? There are no Imperium in the Mass Effect canon, there are none in the Star Wars canon, and there are none in the Twilight canon. In fact, entering ‘Imperium monsters’ into a Google search doesn’t pull up any monsters from any canon, and entering ‘Imperium creatures’ into a Google search turns up a bunch of Spore-related results.

So I guess that means we’re left to assume that–

*offstage trombone*

What?

*offstage trombone*

It was the DC Universe’s Imperium?

You mean these assholes?

Huh. I guess I can kind of see that. Now if only it weren’t some obscure part of the DC Animated Universe that most people wouldn’t get on a first reading…

Also, everyone in the town of Forks is now apparently a character in the Twilight franchise. I didn’t think you could have an entire town of minor and supporting characters, but there you have it.

“If I can reach the top of the tall building, I can get the attention of any good guys when they come.” the Jedi Master thinks to himself as he gets back up after catching his breath.

Good luck with that: I hear that doing things like that tends to attract attention to yourself so the guys you’re trying to run from notice you there too.

Qui-Gon stays as sneaky as a ninja and heads towards the building. He narrowly avoids being seen several times.

This, ladies and gentlemen, constitutes an action scene. Yeah, because two sentences of description is such a great way to build tension!

“That is the entrance, I need to be fast!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself. He sees no patrols nearby for the moment and then runs to the entrance. The Jedi opens the door and slips in.

“Now, I just need to find a weapon.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he looks for a weapon.

You couldn’t just—?

*BAM*

Right. Logic.

He finds a long metal pole. “I can infuse it with the Force.”

I’m fairly certain that this is impossible to do with the Force. It’s possible to do with biotics in the Mass Effect canon (see: Warp Ammo in the second and third games), but it’s not possible with the Force.

The Jedi Master sees the stairs and goes up the stairs.

He reaches the roof in minutes using the Force; the Jedi opens the door carefully. “No sight of monsters or the fiends who took me here.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself.

And cue Qui-Gon running into one of the things he was running from in three… two… one…

He walks outside and then hears a voice.

“How did you escape alive?” the sparklepire named Edward Cullen yells in anger.

*snerk*

His entire world is being taken over by random plot monsters, his plans have fallen apart, everyone he’s ever loved and known is being killed as he speaks, and his main concern is the fact that Qui-Gon Jinn is escaping?

Wow, I guess Edward Cullen really is a cold unfeeling bastard after all. Except for the fact that he already kind of was manipulative and jerkish enough without the misplaced priorities, so….

What, exactly, was the point of turning him into Dr. Robotnik’s protégé?

“I was being smart and sneaky to escape. I have the Force by my side.”

“The Force will not save you!” Edward yells at Qui-Gon as he leaps at the Jedi.

Oh, trust me, Zombie Qui-Gon, nothing can save you now. As a rule of thumb, you’re automatically doomed if you’re in a story like this.

Qui-Gon quickly blocks Edward’s blade with his Force infused metal pole.

Whoah! Where the hell did Edward Cullen get a blade? Wow, I didn’t think Edward had access to the situationally-dependent quantum flux, but there you have it.

The Normandy exits FTL flight and engages stealth systems.

Oh, wait, sorry Edward Cullen fight, we’ve gotta get to the Normandy coming in. Yeah, we’re not missing out on anything interesting here.

Joker flies the ship towards the planet and Seneya guides him with her ability to sense where Qui-Gon is.

Uh, yeah, no asari in existence can sense someone else using their biotics. If they could, the first game would’ve been over in ten seconds. Get Liara onto the ship, get her to sense where Saren is, bam, game over. And besides, the Force is not the same as biotics, so I have no idea how such person-seeking abilities for the asari would work anyway.

Qui-Gon Force pushes Edward away. “I sense them, they are here.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself. The Normandy approaches and slows to a stop near the rooftop.

“You will never get out alive!” the sparklepire named Edward Cullen yells as he rushes at Qui-Gon. The door to the rooftop is kicked open and several Imperium shoot and stun Edward Cullen.

I’m so glad that Edward Cullen got taken out by these random aliens that have come right out of nowhere and provided an unneeded secondary antagonist to what was already a story that ran on insane logic. That doesn’t cheapen the antagonism between Qui-Gon and Edward in any way at all!

“I need to get out of here!” the Jedi Master thinks to himself as he throws his weapon to the ground in a desperate bid to escape.

*snerk*

Why did you do that? There was nobody grabbing it, and there was nobody trying to pin you down with it. What, did you suddenly hate your weapon so much that—?

*BAM*

Right. Logic.

He runs towards the Normandy and jumps towards the ship. He almost makes it and misses the ledge.

“Not on my watch!” Mordin Solus yells as he grabs Qui-Gon by the arm. Mordin Solus is a Salarian. He pulls Qui-Gon into the Normandy.

Wait, so Mordin is on the ship. I can discount this being the middle of Mass Effect 3 seeing as how this story was published at around the time that Mass Effect 3 had been announced, which leaves us with this thing being set in Mass Effect 2.

In that case, how the hell did the asari matriarch on Thessia get ahold of the Normandy? The Normandy wasn’t exactly answering to the Alliance or the Council during ME2, so that leaves us to answer how the hell the asari matriarch called them.

Is it me, or is my rigged punching implement jammed right now?

Matriarch Seneya and Liara T’Soni are powering a huge Biotic Barrier and an Imperium drop ship shows up.

Wait…

If Mordin is on this ship which thus makes this ME2, then how the hell is Liara on board? What is she even doing there?

It tries to shoot the Normandy but the shield stops the lasers. The special thing about the barrier is that it allows the good guys to attack enemies without the attacks being stopped by the shield.

*alarm blares*

Ooh, that’s the DRD. Thankfully, I have those traps that Taco made for me set up right outside my door. I wonder how much these guys like fast food burgers…

*hears the sounds of mouse traps going off*

They like them quite a lot, apparently.

Oh yeah, and that kind of barrier going up against a space weapon is kind of redundant too. You know, because the Normandy already has shields against that kind of thing? Oh yeah, and a biotic barrier that’s large enough to cover the Normandy would be severely taxing on any asari: if Liara and that Seneya lady are still conscious after that, I’m going to be surprised.

Seriously, what’s up with my self-punching implement?

“Take this!” Wrex says as he aims the M-920 Cain and fires it straight at the Imperium drop ship. The blast cripples the ship and it falls to the ground.

Okay, so the fic knows about the M-920 Cain. Which means that it knows finer points of the Mass Effect series, but it doesn’t actually give a damn about adhering to the continuity of the series or anything.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

“Joker, get us out of here!” Commander Shepard yells as he fires at the Imperium single trooper platforms.

“We are out of here!” Joker yells as the hatch closes and the Normandy shoots off into space and beyond at 413 times light speed.

If the Normandy could actually go at 413 times the speed of light, there would be no need for the mass relays to even exist! What the hell…?

On the rooftop, an Imperium is about to shove gray stuff down Edward Cullen’s throat.

“If you end me, Bella, Jacob Black, and the Cullens will still defeat you!” Edward says to the creature.

“We already killed them all. None of your kind escaped! We are going to terraform this world and make it our home world!” the creature says before shoving gray stuff into his throat and killing the last of the Twilight characters.

You just used the word ‘terraform’. I don’t think you actually know what that word means. I mean, I assume you breathe the same atmosphere since you haven’t expired yet after invading this world for so long…

Okay, what’s going on with my punching implement? It’s like it—

*BAM*

Ow, right in the nose!

Well, at least it’s working now.

Okay. We have one more scene to go. Let’s do this.

The Normandy is in FTL flight. The heroes will arrive at Thessia in thirty five hours.

Why not take him back to the Jedi Temple? It takes the same amount of time to get there as it does to get to Thessia from there, apparently. And besides, it would make more sense for Qui-Gon to…

Yeah, I shouldn’t finish that. It might trigger my punching implement.

“Qui-Gon, are you okay?” Matriarch Seneya asks the Jedi Master.

“No. I was tortured. They forced me to watch the horrible movies. They duct taped my mouth shut and used clamps to keep my eyes open. The torture did not end until the power shut down.”

“I feel so terrible for you. Why did they do that?” Seneya says as she hugs Qui-Gon and sheds some tears.

You tell me, lady. I had about as much luck figuring out his motivations as I did trying to figure out what the fuck kind of plot I was supposed to be reading here.

“Those Twilight fiends got what they deserved! The Imperium may have wiped them all out. Good thing an ancient race warned us about the threat attacking Twilight world just before we arrived.” Commander Shepard says.

“You got that right, Commander. They called themselves the Ancients, that name fits them for being a several billion year old race. They told us to get Qui-Gon and fly away like there was no tomorrow.” Joker says to Shepard.

Okay, that does it. I’ve held it off as long as I can, but for cryin’ out loud, there’s only so much a guy can take!

Story, are you even trying to be coherent? It’s bad enough that you were already running on the most insane logic possible: now you have to do something like have some random alien race get pulled out of your ass at the last possible minute?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Well, since the fic has clearly given up by this point, it’s clear I shouldn’t be worrying about all the details, so let’s just get it over with.

“Qui-Gon, do you want to come to Thessia for a few months? You can decide to stay longer than that. A bad guy would have to be a fool to try to get to you, all Asari use Biotic powers.” Seneya says to Qui-Gon.

“Yes. Can I use the COM lines to talk to Obi-Wan and Anakin when we get there? I still want to be able to teach them stuff about the Jedi and other things.”

“Yes, you can. We are going to be okay from now on. The threat posed by the Twilight characters is never coming back.”

I’m not even going to attempt dissecting what’s wrong with Zombie Qui-Gon going over to Thessia for a few months. I’d be here all year if I tried, especially since this story gave up the concept of “making sense” a long, long time ago.

Seriously, what unholy motivation could possibly have spawned something this nonsensical?

The reason I typed this story is because I hate the Twilight characters. I have heard that girls are dumping guys for not being like Edward Cullen. Also, I think that Twilight is anti-Feminist! It sends Feminism back hundreds of years! This fueled my hatred of Twilight to the point where I had to type this.

Okay. So this whole story was intended as the most over-the-top Twilight bashing in existence. It was intended as Twilight bashing…

…and yet you gave Edward Cullen a spaceship, didn’t identify half the cast of Twilight when you were bashing them, threw everyone so OOC they wouldn’t be able to see their canon selves with the Hubble telescope, threw in Star Wars and Mass Effect for no reason, titled it Asari Healing rather than something that would’ve clued us in to the Twilight bashing, had the story make no fucking sense whatsoever, and waited until halfway through the story to bring in the Twilight characters.

That… that does it. What even is this? I just… what is even…?

*headdesk*

What I’ve just read is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in this rambling, incoherent story was it even close to anything that could be considered a rational plot. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having read it. I award this fic no points, and may God have mercy on its soul.

No, it would not have done just fine! It really would not!

Seriously. I think I’m ready to return to Parallel Realities now. I just… After all that

*headdesk*

I’ll see you guys next week, patrons. I’ll see you next week when we jump back into the massive pile of fail that is Parallel Realities.

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35 Comments on “275: Asari Healing – Chapter Three”

  1. Addicted Reader says:

    Seriously?

    It’s just so dumb.

  2. Mr. Rofapofagus says:

    This actually feels like this was written by a person who’s missing most of his frontal lobes to me now. How so? Because this has an almost dream-like quality to how its written. Plus there’s the whole lack of description problem, which could also be explained by the lack of the frontal lobes. Same with the lack of logic.

    Sadly, I think by Imperium he may be referring to the Imperium of Man from Warhammer 40k. However, I can’t tell because like a vampire is averse to garlic, this guy is averse to description.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      And at his prime, he had fifteen other stories that were exactly the same as this one. Some were longer, some were much shorter, but they were all really insane.

      I think my favorite one had to be the oneshot where Qui-Gon Jinn got kidnapped by Jigsaw (yes, the Jigsaw from the Saw franchise), and ends up going through a bunch of death traps. It also had Halo and Mass Effect in there, but I think the thing that took the cake there was that it somehow got Qui-Gon Jinn to be in a room with fucking Duke Nukem (of all people), and that Qui-Gon Jinn was shouting at Duke Nukem because of offscreen misogyny, or something along those lines.

      Unfortunately, the only one that’s survived his wave of deleting his own fics is one I did for my narrative MSTs, and I didn’t get to copy/paste the whole thing with that one.

      • Mr. Rofapofagus says:

        So he has to find the craziest roundabout ways to get his favorite Star Wars character to teach characters he hates to teach a lesson? It’s actually a shame that he did delete those fics, it’s an insight to a mind that works on Wonderland logic.

        Coincidentally, I’ve saved his last fic on my hardrive as “insurance” just to make sure it can get punished or laughed at.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        That, or it’s a ploy to come up with the most insane plot possible. Here, have the other fic I MST’d by this guy:

        https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t6TLXtAgj_iCLJUxGQEXUnYMrc6cknxU_KSwk4B2Lr0/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CJSjnvgI#

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Sad but true. Glad I deleted them, otherwise I would likely still have people throwing insults directly at me.

        Oh, that one. *sighs and facepalms* Sometimes I question why I even wrote that one. Same with the others of the fifteen.

        At least it was for a good reason.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      To be honest, what you wrote feels like an insult directed at me and made me feel a bit angry. But I won’t bash and flame you for it. In fact, you might have been highly sarcastic.

      Rather, I’ll say this- Of course, I am not missing most of my frontal lobes, or all of them. They’re intact as far as I know. If I was, my words would be misspelled and also my sentences would likely be badly written.

      Now, to get your questions answered. The whole lack of description problem, the lack of logic, and the almost dream-like quality to how its written, all comes from due to how much of a rookie I was when it came to writing back then. I have been witting fanfics for eight years, since 2007. In 2010, I had only been writing for three years. And I only started to really improve around the later parts of 2012 and on.

      As for the Imperium, they are the ones from the Justice League episode “Secret Origins”. It’s got three parts.

      I saw your comment in which you said you saved my last fic on your hardrive as “insurance” just to make sure it can get punished or laughed at. Just for your information, I don’t appreciate people posting my fanfics without my permission. However, it can stay on your hardrive and you can read it and laugh at it if you want. Since it would be really unreasonable of me to demand you remove it from your hardrive.

  3. DawnFire says:

    No, I’m sorry, I’ve got nothing. This was just insane.

    Although, I’m curious: did your tempting of the Ironic Overpower at the end do something, or…?

    ~DF

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh, trust me, the Ironic Overpower did a lot during the remainder of the Parallel Realities snarking. It didn’t get super bad in ME2, but by the time it hit ME3, there was so much stupid going in that fic that… well…

      Yeah. Read the Parallel Realities snarking.

      • DawnFire says:

        Well, I would, but I know pretty much nothing about the continuum.

        I’m kind of tempted to MST something for the Library. How would I go about doing that, may I ask?

        ~DF

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Simple: you do an MST, and then email said MST to one of us, with URL of the original fic. I’m sure we’d love to have an MST of yours here, actually.

        • DawnFire says:

          That simple? Huh. I never knew :) I mean, I knew there were guest sporkers, but…oh well. Now I do know!

          Also, that’s sweet of you to say :) I think I’ll go through the document I have that’s labeled ‘Notes on Badfics’ and see if there’s something short in there that I can start with. (I haven’t done very much MSTing, but the one time I tried it I realized that short is a good thing. Then again, it’s done a little differently here–this is sort of MSTing mixed with analysis. Should be interesting to try). I don’t think I have anyone’s email, though–unless those are mentioned somewhere on the site?

          (Also, fair warning, I’m probably going to end up ranting about charges. It’s kind of become part of my fic analyzing process, judging by what goes into that Notes on Badfics doc. I find it cathartic.)

          Hm, now what do I have…

          ~DF

          PS: This is going to be so much fun!

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Sad but true.

      Sometimes I question why I even wrote this.

  4. DawnFire says:

    Ok, I’ve found something. It wasn’t in my doc, but…

    Anyway.

    Circle of Lemmings. Someone wrote a bunch of oneshots in different fandoms, using the popular (on the Circle, anyway) idea of having readers submit a character and request a pairing. So we get idiocy like Legolas’ sister romancing Aragorn, Sirius’ sister and Remus, Harry’s twin sister and George…you see what I’m getting at. Anyway, I figured I could take several of the oneshots and MST them for the Library? Would that work? They’re short, which works well for me, and really bad, which works well for, well, everything except our collective sanity.

    (Here, have a link http://www.quotev.com/story/2743333/One-shots/1/ if you’re feeling masochistic/insane)

    ~DF

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I think that should be okay. Oneshots are a thing we do sometimes (look at Taco’s more recent offerings), so just as long as your funny you should be good to go. Generally, I would mention sending in the snarkings to either Lyle or Taco, but any of us can take care of posting the snark for you. So… yeah.

      • DawnFire says:

        Alright!

        I ended up realizing that I can’t copy-paste from Quotev (any idea how to get around that?) but I did find a different oneshot, this one on FFN. I’ve ended up with a seven-page sporking, I’m not sure how. I mean, the original fic is 323 words long; my sporking is nearly two and a half thousand. It’s been pretty interesting. On the plus side, now I know that I can do a proper MST (er, that’s my current verdict. Hopefully it won’t change once this is actually posted). If you give me an email to send it to, I’ll do that sometime tomorrow, once I’ve had a chance to wrap it up and look it over. I’d also like to do more, if that’s alright (I suppose I’ll just have to type out quotes from Quotev…waitasecond…that’s why they named it that! Because you can’t quote it! Not sure what the ‘v’ is for, though…)

        It’s funny; MSTing is actually kind of easier than PPCing–at least, that’s what I’ve just found. Fascinating. I suppose it’s because one is writing a story about a bad story, while the other is just talking about a bad story and trying to be amusing. Hm.

        Anyway, time for me to sleep…

        ~DF

      • DawnFire says:

        Ok, did a bit of research. (Also, sorry if that last message was a bit incoherent; I was very sleep-deprived). Apparently, guest-snarking can be sent to the Library’s gmail. Should I just do that, or is that information outdated?

        I’m also looking around for a longer fic to MST. It’s…interesting? Scarring? I don’t even know.

        The thing is, I do have several longer fics–it’s just that I’m planning to PPC them. Does it make sense to do both an MST and a mission? Or will I just end up being too sick of the fic to do it twice?

        And now to see what craziness I wrote down last night…

        ~DF

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Hey, it’s fine, and do whatever you want. Normally, I don’t bring fics to the Library that I plan on PPCing. Parallel Realities and Gabriel Hawke, for instance, both turned out to be PPC proof–GH because it just pisses me off, and Parallel Realities because it’s too damn long. So if you can imagine it as a PPC mission, save it for the PPC mission. Once is enough, y’know?

          Hm… I don’t know about the Library’s Gmail, but… Hm. Yeah, you could try that.

      • TacoMagic says:

        You can send it my way, as I’m handling the guest stuff while Lyle is on sabbatical:

        sexyfingers@goaheadandtrytospamme.com

        Also, let me know when you’ve got my email, so I can delete it before the deluge of spam sets in ;).

      • DawnFire says:

        Yeah, once *would* be enough.

        On the other hand, I’ve found an Aslan’s daughter badfic that may do to spork. I just need to reread Prince Caspian…

        Also, thanks, Taco! Expect it soon. I just did an edit/readthrough, and it’s not as incoherent as I thought it would be. In fact, I rather like it. I’ll make up a clean copy with my new edits and additions, and then I’ll send it.

        …it took me about three hours to do. At least, I think it did. But I got it done in one sitting.

        …wow. I think I’ve amazed myself!

        Anyway, off to make a clean copy…

        ~DF

      • DawnFire says:

        Ok, it’s sent!

        So much fun. Also, I’m kind of in shock that I did it over two days–no, over about five hours spread out over two days. Wow.

        A brief moment of stats: the fic is 323 words. The snarking is 2,480, if I remember that number correctly. That’s just…interesting. We’ll go with interesting.

        ~DF

  5. SC says:

    This fic singlehandedly reminded me why I do solo MSTs on my own blog.

    I really should get back into that…

    For now, I’m just going to turn on really loud heavy metal so that I can blame headbanging too close to the wall if anybody asks me why I’m bleeding out the face and why the wall has a huge dent in it.

    Hopefully nobody will recall my inherent dislike of heavy metal, or headbanging.

    Commence Purge!

    *Disturbed’s “Indestructible” plays as SC brutally bashes his face into the wall over and over again.*

  6. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    Yknow, maybe it’s more the prequel bleedthrough effect more than anything but the moment we got to ‘torture by cinema’ I immediately thought back to Mr. Plinkett.

    Seeing how we didn’t get much description of Edward I’ll just pretend this alternate interpretation of him amounted to a thick slab of pizza-greased fat with a cat anus wrapped around its dick.

  7. neji7hyuga says:

    Thankfully, this is the third and last chapter of this fic I am so ashamed of. Now, onto answering questions to the best I can, in this quagmire of stupidity that’s the third chapter.

    Festival of insanity…that is true of this fic.

    Indeed, logic is still missing in action. Team Guy and Team Kurenai are still searching for it.

    Looks like I deleted it sometime around the time you wrote this but after you had gotten the link. Though I don’t think I knew of this at the time, was deleting due to people hurling insults directed at me.

    Indeed, the FTL stuff was highly unrealistic and unbelievable. It would be a lot more believable if it was some kind of Forerunner slipspace portal that drew power from multiple stars or something. Since the Forerunners (in Halo) were so advanced, they’d be able to do that.
    That’s likely another case of telling, not showing.

    *facepalm* I know, such idiocy happened here…

    Don’t try to find any logic there, it’s still missing in action, Team Guy and Team Kurenai are still searching.

    And the true colors are starting to be revealed. If you were thinking Twilight bashing fic, then yes, you got that right. And a badly done one at that.

    I question what is going on too when I look at it now. For all I know, it could be genjutsu…

    *facepalms, sighs, and starts crying because of his own stupidity* I don’t know what I was thinking! I don’t know what I was thinking this piece of (censored) fic!!! I am a huge dumb (censored).

    Tsuande: Afraid he won’t be able to finish it. *reads through the rest and can’t help but facepalm* There’s no way he’d be able to answer the rest, it’s just…it would be torture on the level of Tsukuyomi. Maybe worse. If there’s any leftover questions, I might be able to answer them, but due to how many illogical things there is, one might not be able to answer.

    *Both Team Kurenai and Team Guy come into the room*

    Kurenai Yūhi- mission accomplished, we found logic. Believe it or not, there was an army of S-rank ninja along with a Mary Sue and Gary Stu. The Kazekage and his siblings even came due to how hopeless it would have been otherwise.

  8. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    So… Why is this called “Asari Healing” anyway? It sounds like this is a Hurt/Comfort story about asaris nursing Zombie Jedi here back to health when it’s actually a crazy multi-crossover about Twilight bashing, with the titular asari healing only appearing at the very beginning and pretty much have no impact on the plot.

    It’s kinda like calling The Force Awakens “Star Wars: Junk Scavenging”.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Hi, I wrote this fanfic years and years ago, around 2010-2011. I deleted it and several other fanfics of mine back then for very good reasons. Hurtful comments were one of the major reasons. Constructive criticism would’ve gone a very, very long way, even more so if they simply told the truth in a polite and clear way.

      As for why its called “Asari Healing”, it’s based on the “Asari Healing” done in the first chapter. And the Twilight stuff, I guess it can be said to be “rule of cool” and inexperience with writing a good story since I wrote for years on stories that I never posted on the internet. And they’re even worse than the ones I deleted.

      True, sounds like that kind of story at first. And becomes a multi-crossover. Doubtful on the “crazy” part since I think any crossover can be done. I imagine I could turn this into an awesomely great story if I came back at it ten years down the road. But I don’t have the motivation at all to do that. Instead am working on a Naruto fanfic.

      And I am getting sick of the people here saying “zombie Jedi” honestly. Because in my head-canon for the story, which I should’ve at least told, Qui-Gon didn’t die in that duel but Obi-Wan used some sort of Force Healing power. And yes it exists in Expanded Universe Star Wars material.

      And what angers me more was that somehow in the first chapter ripping apart of the story, the one who wrote that misinterpreted the “Asari Healing” thing as rape! How does one do that?! Asari mind meld abilities can be used for more than one thing in Mass Effect canon, its even in the codex! This version was supposed to be a healing power!

      Needless to say, I don’t use it anymore, last thing I need are fools misinterpreting the Asari Healing thing as rape again and again and sending hateful and hurtful comments. And to be honest, I am no longer interested in Mass Effect really.

      In all, it can be summed up to me just being inexperienced and not getting the necessary polite constructive criticism, and also all those hurtful comments almost steered me down a dark path- shutting out any and all criticism, even the polite constructive criticism too.

      And about ‘It’s kinda like calling The Force Awakens “Star Wars: Junk Scavenging”.’ , that may be true, but then again I was really bad at making good titles back then I guess. Nowadays, not sure.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        …Really? After all this time, you’re coming back to defend THIS story of all things?

        You know what? Between this and that bullshit journal you sent earlier, my opinion of you just became a lot lower.

        Doubtful on the “crazy” part since I think any crossover can be done.

        Ehh… You do realize the “crazy” wasn’t referring to the idea of crossovers in general, right? I was specifically referring to the craziness of this story. You know, a story that features a Jedi who was resurrected by asaris being kidnapped by Twilight characters who were attacked by a DCAU villain?

        I imagine I could turn this into an awesomely great story if I came back at it ten years down the road.

        HAHAHAHAHA-Nope. I’m a firm believer in “It’s all about the execution”. Hell, I’m a huge fan of a rewritten version of Repercussions of Evil, a story that was originally LEGENDARY in its awfulness. But some ideas are simply that stupid and nonsensical that not even a great writer can salvage them. I don’t care if you are the world’s greatest cook, you can’t make a meal using only crap.

        And I am getting sick of the people here saying “zombie Jedi” honestly. Because in my head-canon for the story, which I should’ve at least told, Qui-Gon didn’t die in that duel but Obi-Wan used some sort of Force Healing power. And yes it exists in Expanded Universe Star Wars material.

        That just feels… Contrived as fuck. If Obi-Wan could do it, why didn’t he do it in the movie? Plus, I checked Wookiepedia, and apparently only a skilled practitioner of Force Healing can heal internal organs. Plus, Obi-Wan was only ever seen using it ONCE. And that was a basic version. Plus, this just raises even more question. Like why the fuck is Qui-Gon even IN a coma if he wasn’t even injured in the head? Has anyone ever fell into a coma by being stabbed in the stomach?

        And what angers me more was that somehow in the first chapter ripping apart of the story, the one who wrote that misinterpreted the “Asari Healing” thing as rape! How does one do that?! Asari mind meld abilities can be used for more than one thing in Mass Effect canon, its even in the codex! This version was supposed to be a healing power!

        Oh_boy_here_we_go_again.jpg
        That’s strange, because I vaguely remember you_admitting_ that the mind melding thing was a bad idea and ultimately ended up being Fridge Horror. Oh, I forgot! You were only PRETENDING to “sink to our level”! All of that stuff you said were just lies to lull us lowly, lowly librarians into a false sense of security. Oh, how noble and righteous you are!

        Plus, according to Mass Effect, asari mind meld can be used to procreate and share information, that’s it. This is not some magical bullshit healing power. Hell, even YOU admitted that the whole “asari mind healing” thing is pure Wish Fulfillment back when you were still “sinking to our level”!

        Well, you can go back to your oh-so-high-and-mighty level now. We simply do not want you here.

  9. neji7hyuga says:

    Forgot to mention that some of the comments in all three chapters are kind of…hurtful to be honest. But I know nothing will be done. Oh well, what should I expect here?

    But wanted to say, one day, when I increase a lot more in skill, since you said that legendary badfic was improved, I bet Asari Healing could be too. But I won’t dare attempt this month or year. No, it will be years before I try.

    Because I know, at this moment, my skills aren’t there yet.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Alright, we get it. You’re still salty about this snarking. And in your saltiness, you led me on, pretended to befriend me, then dropped off the face of the earth before renewing your petulant tantrum at anyone who would listen. You could’ve just told me “I still think that these are a little hurtful”. Instead, you stopped talking to me and continued the bullshit that we thought you’d gotten over.

      You know what? Go ahead and tell yourself you can improve Asari Healing. If it helps you sleep at night after how you essentially stabbed me in the back the way you did, I’m not going to judge you.

      But before I do that, and before we go our separate ways: fuck you, Jedi Qui-Gon. Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on, you backstabbing, grandstanding, holier-than-thou twit. You are not morally superior to any of us here at the Library.

      Because you know what? At the end of the day, and discounting the joking tone of the snarking, I was only ever sincere about how I felt about you. You were not. And quite frankly, that, far more than your writing and even your initial reaction to the snark, is what makes you a scumbag.

      Go be dishonest to someone else. I’m not gonna be led around by an insincere fuckboy like you again.

      EDIT: Oh, and by the way, we normally don’t mind snarking our own old shames: if you bothered to look around the archives, you’d know that I’ve already snarked one of my other old shames. But we don’t do it because we want to satisfy your overblown, false sense of moral superiority. So you can kindly fuck off on that account.

    • BatJamags says:

      OK, so I’m legitimately curious why you were willing to acknowledge this as an old shame and take the riff in good humor, and then suddenly two years later you show up and act like your feelings were hurt.

      But I know nothing will be done. Oh well, what should I expect here?

      What do you want us to do? Apologize? For what? Not liking your fic? Even you still admit that it’s bad.

      And this one fic had a pretty bad concept to it. There are a couple ideas one might salvage for use in a more coherent crossover, but I don’t understand why you’re being all melodramatic about your quest to rewrite this thing. Just do something new.

      I would’ve said something when you posted this to begin with, but I just have no idea what you hoped to accomplish here. Are we supposed to feel bad for you? Is this a pity party? Is this some kind of passive aggressive attack on us for hurting your feelings? Is the “I can’t attempt a rewrite yet” supposed to be you standing up to the adversity of some people not liking your work? Are you legitimately trying to say you’re going to try to do better and it just came out wrong? What?

      • SC says:

        Not even two years later, man. If you check the date stamps on just these comments alone, you can see that he ditched the act somewhere around a year in. Then the infamous DA journal entry of his happened, where he tried to paint us as these terrible, evil people, but got logic-bombed instead when Herr and I completely took that whole journal apart. That made him go quiet for a little bit, and NOW all of a sudden he comes back AGAIN.

        Joke’s on him, though. He’s been blacklisted now, so unless he hunts us down individually, via other sites we’re part of or our respective emails, he’s got no way of continuing to be a nuisance. That won’t stop him from painting us as villainous fiends in his DA journals, of course, but at this point, the little boy can say whatever he so pleases. He’s not worth the attention anymore.


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