269: Asari Healing – Chapter Two

Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic:  Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure
URL: Asari Healing – Chapter Two
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello again, children, and welcome back to the snarking of Asari Healing. Last time, it was established that the Republic and the asari can both cross billions (possibly trillions) of light years in the course of an hour, the asari can heal people with their sexual reproductive processes, and Qui-Gon Jinn is now a zombie that can talk. By this point, we have also established that this fic can’t be bothered to explain what the hell is going on and how approximately half the fic is possible.

Nope, this one just jumps right into the action.

This, by the way, is exactly what we’ll be doing now. So let’s dig right into chapter two of this insanity fest.

We open the chapter with this:

Two months have passed since Asari Matriarch Seneya arrived at the Jedi Temple. Anakin and Obi-Wan are sparring in the Jedi Temple training room. Qui-Gon and Seneya are watching them.

The dog peed on the cat. The doctor wrote on his paper. The daybook was displayed on the mantle.

“Nice job, Anakin. You were able to keep my light saber from getting through your defenses for a longer period of time than yesterday.” Obi-Wan says after a long sparring match.

Of course, we’re never actually going to see this match. Sorry, Anakin, we have bigger things to get to today.

“One day, I will win against you. I will be a great Jedi Master one day.”

“You have a long way to go Anakin, but you can do it.


Whatever happened to that whole thing of Anakin being careful not to fall to the Dark Side? Doesn’t being a Jedi Master also involve a great deal of philosophical conditioning involving being able to resist temptation? Here is Anakin, being like ‘oh hey I’m gonna be a great Jedi Master someday’. Isn’t ambition like that supposed to be dangerous for a Jedi to have?

Obi-Wan, I’d just like to say that you’re currently doing a terrible job of making sure Anakin Skywalker is going to become a Jedi Master someday. At the rate he’s going, he’s going to become Darth Vader sooner than George Lucas wants him to become Darth Vader.

It is getting late, we should go to bed.”

“Nice job with training, Anakin Skywalker.” Qui-Gon says.

What he should also say: “I should remind you, though, that his training is philosophical as well as physical. He may fall to the Dark Side at this rate.”

What he actually says: nothing else.

Anakin and Obi-Wan go to their sleeping quarters.

“Qui-Gon, we should go to bed also. We can do more training tomorrow.” Seneya says to Qui-Gon.

W-wait, what? This random Seneya lady is training Qui-Gon? I thought she was there to oversee Qui-Gon’s physical therapy! Now she’s training him? What the hell?

I mean, seriously, what the hell would Seneya even be doing to train Qui-Gon? Biotics are not the same as the force: whereas one is supposed to be a mystical force that sort of just is, the other is something that involves people being able to manipulate properties of sci-fi physics. I have no idea what the hell Seneya would be teaching Qui-Gon, I really don’t.

The Jedi and Asari go their quarters. Qui-Gon’s sleeping room is next to Seneya’s room.

Because we really needed to devote two sentences to seeing random guys go off to the sleeping quarters. I’m sure the proximity of Seneya to Qui-Gon won’t be important in the least!

Several hours after Seneya fell asleep; she is awakened by a scream.

Oh. Okay, so I was wrong about that. Well, finally. It only took until half of the second chapter to get around to describing a detail in the scenery that is actually relevant to the plot.

“Qui-Gon!” Seneya yells as she runs to the door and finds it locked. She rips the door off with her Biotic powers.



Well, at least it’s more plausible than what Flynn pulled in Udina gets some Advise. At least there’s that, I guess, even if biotics haven’t been shown to do things like that.

“What happened?” Obi-Wan says as he and Anakin run into the room.

Wait, hang on a second. You’re going to have Seneya open the door, but you’re not going to show the scene that greeted her when she opened the door?

I mean, seriously, that—

“Someone or something took Qui-Gon! We need to get a starship out of the hangar and give chase. The window is busted. They must have gone outside and possibly want to escape the planet!”


I never thought I’d have to use the phrase “show, don’t tell” so damn literally, but here we are. I mean, Jesus!

“It may be Jenna Zan Arbor, lets go!” Obi-Wan says as he, Anakin, and Seneya run down the halls to the hangar.

Wait, hang on. So Seneya ran on over, and they couldn’t even get a trace on the guy? This matriarch was right next door! You’re seriously telling me that this lady ran all the way over to Qui-Gon Jin’s room and somehow didn’t get there in time to see someone flee with Zombie Qui-Gon?

And for those of you wondering, Jenna Zan Arbor is some mad scientist lady from the Star Wars Expanded Universe. This actually shocks me that the fic dug this deep into the Expanded Universe to find her: according to Wookiepedia, she was a scientist for the Separatists during the Clone Wars.

*takes a shaky breath in*

This is gonna be a wierd fic, isn’t it?

Let’s just continue.

Seneya’s COM link beeps and she takes it out.

Which is weird, because I could’ve sworn most people in the Mass Effect galaxy keep a comm link attached to their ears.

“Seneya, we got a taunting message from someone by the name of Cullen.

Wait, someone named Cullen?

*glances at the description, then looks back at the story*

No no no, this story couldn’t possibly be that stupid. Could it?

He said we will never get Qui-Gon back and then the windows all shattered as a spaceship took off. It was huge!

“It was so huge that I’m just gonna tell you how huge it was! That’s gonna give you a good idea of the stakes involved, right? Right?”

The good news is that one of our ships in space jacked into the ship’s navigation systems and copied the coordinates it was heading to.”


Uh… Well… Uh…

Uh… fic?

That makes absolutely no damn sense!

A ship managed to have enough sentience to hack into another ship’s navigation systems to copy and paste the coordinates it was heading to? How the hell did it do that? And on top of that, if you had ships up there in space, why the hell didn’t they stop this mysterious abductor from getting away? I mean, I could understand if the ship didn’t have any weapons on it or anything, but the ships don’t even chase to this mysterious kidnapper to see where he’s going!

Mace says to Seneya through the COM link.

Wait… that was Mace Windu?

Damn. Samuel L. Jackson is a bad ass motherfucker who’s now being forced to act like he just got tossed into the 80’s Transformers cartoon. This does not bode well.

“We need to call in Commander Shepard and the Normandy! They can slip into the destination point undetected.”


Wait, so Qui-Gon Jinn has been abducted, you have an entire galaxy that would take interest in this, they could probably slip in undetected on their own since people do that all the time in the Star Wars canon… and your solution is to call in Commander Shepard, who is likely busy trying to take down Saren God-knows-how-many light years away, and have him get close enough to this guy to rescue Qui-Gon?

You know what? We’re only halfway through the second chapter, and I’ve dealt with enough nonsensical things happening that at this point, I’m not inclined to care.

So you know what?

*throws his arms in the air*

Sure, why not?

“I will, the criminals will not get away! Mace out.”

“Seneya out.”

Seneya puts her COM link in her pocket.

And on top of that, it’s Mace Windu that’s going to place the call, not Seneya. Uh… wouldn’t it make more sense for the denizen of the ME galaxy to contact an authority in the ME galaxy who…

Oh, never mind.

“When I find those villains, I will make them wish they were never born!” Anakin says with anger.

“Anakin, beware of the Dark Side. Do not give into your hate and anger.” Obi-Wan says to Anakin Skywalker.

There we go! Finally, an instance of showing instead of telling! Now where the hell was that counsel when he exhibited that childish ambition earlier in this same fic?

In the Jedi High Council tower, Mace Windu opens a COM line to Thessia.

“Mace Windu, what do you need?” Rezesia asks Windu.

“I have terrible news! Someone or something kidnapped Qui-Gon Jinn! We need Commander Shepard and the Normandy!”

What this Rezesia lady should say: “Why the hell do you need Commander Shepard and the Normandy? You have an entire galaxy’s worth of ships over there, and I’m not actually the one who orders Shepard around. Call in someone from your own damn galaxy!”

What she actually says:

“By the goddess! I will call them in right away!”

“Do it. Mace Windu out.”

“Rezesia out.”

Huh, I guess they just randomly decided to leave the fic, then. Now if only Qui-Gon Jinn had the same luck.

Actually, speaking of which, what is he up to right now, anyway?

On the mystery ship, Qui-Gon wakes up.

“Where am I? I was in my quarters and this place is different. Why do I feel so weak?” Qui-Gon says, he tries to move but he is tied up.


Wow, Zombie Qui-Gon sure is taking the fact that he just got abducted rather well, don’t you think?

I mean, really: this fic can’t seriously expect me to believe that he slept through his entire abduction. A whole ton of windows shattered, that matriarch lady tore a Star Wars-style door open, the owner of this ship managed to get Qui-Gon onto a ship really fast, and then he flew away. And on top of that, didn’t he scream when he first got kidnapped? I mean, how the hell did—

Oh. Right. He’s a zombie: his cognitive functions aren’t exactly up to speed right now. Never mind!

“You are not at home anymore, you are with us! My name is Edward Cullen.

*looks up at the previous mention of “Cullen”*

Oh my God, it is that Cullen!

Wait. Edward Cullen has a spaceship now?

When the ship reaches my planet, you are going to be the subject of scientific experiments.

And he’s now a mad scientist of some sort?

Oh my God, don’t tell me he’s going to talk like Dr. Insano.

HAHAHAHAHA! The reason you may feel weak is because we put a drug in your body that causes anyone who gets injected with it to become weak!”

Okay. So now, in addition to being a sparkling vampire, Edward Cullen is now also a mad scientist in the vein of Dr. Wily and Dr. Robotnik who somehow owns a spaceship.

I’d comment about how silly and completely fucking ridiculous this is, but c’mon! Edward Cullen is now a mad scientist and has a spaceship! Think about it! Edward Cullen is now about a hundred and seventy-two percent more awesome than he is in canon! I mean, yeah, it’s the kind of awesome where we can’t stop laughing at it, but still!

Think about how much better Twilight would’ve been if Edward Cullen was a mad scientist with a spaceship!

“You are insane!”

“No, we are not.”

Zombie Qui-Gon, these guys come from a canon where stalking is looked on as being romantic. They were never sane in the first place.

“You are all insane! You are committing very serious crimes! You will not get away with this!”

“SHUT UP!” Edward screams before he karate chops Qui-Gon in the back of his neck, he is knocked out instantly.


Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that this fic has just jumped the shark.

The Normandy arrives near Coruscant.

Joker opens a COM line to the Jedi Temple. Shepard is standing next to Joker.

Before we go on, I just want to reiterate that yes, you are reading a fanfic in which Qui-Gon Jinn is resurrected by an asari who was called in by Mace Windu, who then called some matriarch on Thessia to get Shepard over to the Star Wars galaxy after Edward Cullen from Twilight manages to kidnap Qui-Gon Jinn in the middle of the night.

I would like to remind you guys that I’m not making any of this up.

“Mace Windu, we are ready to come to the Temple, we can pick up Seneya and we need the coordinates. After that, we can chase those heartless fiends down!” Shepard says to Mace Windu through the COM line.


And now, Shepard is saying the words ‘heartless fiends’. I don’t think even Renegade Shepard says ‘heartless fiends’ anywhere.

“That is good; we can not let them get away with what they did!” Mace Windu replies.


Oh my God…this dialogue… I just…

Where’s the end of the chapter?

The Normandy flies to the Temple and lands.

“I have the data pad with the coordinates.” Seneya says as she runs up the ramp into the Normandy. She gives the data pad to Commander Shepard.

“Good, we can leave now.”

“Are you ready, Commander?” Joker asks.

“Yes, we are ready. Lets take off after them!” Shepard replies.

So just to be certain, if that ship hadn’t stolen the coordinates to where Edward Cullen’s ship was heading, Shepard and the gang wouldn’t have been able to get there in time to start chasing Edward Cullen. You know, because heaven forbid that someone from the Republic chase the ship down, find where Edward Cullen and his goons are holding Qui-Gon Jinn, and just have them pull what they did at the end of Attack of the Clones and launch a huge full-scale attack on the compound.

Yep, this fic has definitely jumped the shark all right.

Next week, we’re going to look at the final chapter of this fic, and be done with it. Stay tuned.


30 Comments on “269: Asari Healing – Chapter Two”

  1. I am so jealous, your Edward is about a thousand times better than the one in my fic.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    If he’s exhibiting Dr. Wily-esk evil, does that mean he’s going to start putting evil Jedi in small rooms at the end of needlessly complex and themed mazes as a way to conquer the world?

  3. TacoMagic says:

    Oh my God… I’m currently trying to imagine Samuel L. Jackson saying these lines, and I am not successful right now.

    It works if you pretend he’s doing a poorly dubbed voice-over a la 80’s Kung-Fu movie.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I can’t imagine bad dubbing for an 80’s kung fu movie, so… yeah.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        My dialogue was really awful back then. At least I am trying to improve, it feels like one the hardest things to improve upon.

        • GhostCat says:

          Natural-sounding dialogue can be difficult; it helps if you speak it out loud or hear it spoken out loud so that you can hear how it flows.

        • neji7hyuga says:

          That’s some good advice.

          I am not sure how to say this since I don’t want it to come off as an excuse, since I am not trying to do that. The advice would work really well for hearing people who can hear naturally. But unfortunately, I am hard of hearing and have a cochlear implant. Without the cochlear device on, I am completely deaf and can’t hear anything. With it on, I can hear, but I know it’s not the same as with hearing people due to the fact I can’t really understand what characters say on TV and I need captions otherwise I get confused.

          And also I don’t talk all that much, really, so I don’t think the “read it out loud” thing will work out for me as good as it would with a person who can hear naturally. Though I will try different things, there’s got to be more than one way, reading it in the head should work and also I could re-read more than once. Could do the trial and error method and also read fanfics, watch movies, play video games…

    • neji7hyuga says:

      I really sucked, I mean really sucked, at writing dialogue back then.

  4. Addicted Reader says:

    To me, the worst part is the present tense narration. I hate that.

    • laubesoyeuse says:

      You’re right… everything else is actually kind of awesome when you think about it. Not in the way the author was intending, of course, but still awesome.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Don’t know if present tense narration works, but I have quit doing it, stopped around 2012. Since it just did not work with my style at least. Used the past tense narration from then on, and have never touched the present tense narration way since.

      And also I have improved to some extent, not sure how much.

  5. Mr. Rofapofagus says:

    At first I thought he expected you to be able to totally see what he’s thinking while writing this, even though he’s giving us effectively nothing story wise.

    Then the Twilight aspect pops in, and now I can only think in laughter. I don’t think I could make a plot concept this bad if I tried, and I once suggested replacing Anakin in the prequels with a paper bag with a smiley face drawn on it and making Jar Jar the Emperor.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      And if you can believe it? It actually gets worse. Yes, I am telling you that this story has not actually hit its low point yet. It gets even more insanely stupid than this.

      It’s actually brilliant in a strange, bizarre way. And if you can believe it, he had fifteen other stories that were almost exactly like this. And crazily enough, one of them still exists: it was just so long that I couldn’t really look at it.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Sad but true.

        That’s indeed true, I had fifteen different stories that were in a similar style. And the one that was so long that I left? It was last due to: 1. It didn’t have any comments that hurled personal insults at me. 2- At that time, I was proud of writing such a long story.

        Now I think it’s a badly done story so that’s why it’s no longer there. Since I didn’t want another nasty case of trolls or jerks throwing insults directed at me instead of the story.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      That can be said to by due to my rookie level writing skills and just now knowing how to properly do a story…

      That is understandable, it is that bad. And the plot concept is indeed that terrible looking at it from the present. Haha, that would be insane if that happened!

  6. Iced Earth says:

    I won’t lie, once Edward Cullen made his amazing debut, I was on the verge of tears. It must be some sort of mutant X-Men power to perform something as execrable as this and still manage to come off as a story that’s so logic busting as ‘not believing in gravity’ and yet still keeps your interest.

    I seriously wish this guy wouldn’t delete his stories. They’re good in a “Oh holy hell, what the shit am I reading?” kind of way.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Indeed, Logic was missing in action.

      Sorry, but I had to delete those horrible stories for my own sake. They are my old shames now.

  7. […] that it would be awesome. I mean, seriously, you’re talking about levels of awesome that even Mad-Scientist!Edward would have a hard time matching! And hey, it would actually make Edward a far more interesting […]

  8. DawnFire says:

    “Think about how much better Twilight would’ve been if Edward Cullen was a mad scientist with a spaceship!”

    I’d read that. I would seriously read that. It would be awesome. In fact, add in some werewolves with jetpacks and transplant in the Bella from “Luminosity”, and I might even buy it.

    “Before we go on, I just want to reiterate that yes, you are reading a fanfic in which Qui-Gon Jinn is resurrected by an asari who was called in by Mace Windu, who then called some matriarch on Thessia to get Shepard over to the Star Wars galaxy after Edward Cullen from Twilight manages to kidnap Qui-Gon Jinn in the middle of the night.
    This, my friends, is the kind of thing I wish I was making up.”

    That’s the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in a while.

    Ok, so I was actually crying from laughter once Edward Cullen got brought in. And I only actually know two of these fandoms, and ‘know’ is a relative word for one of them. But it’s just–it’s great. In a horrible way.

    I think I’ll actually check out the third chapter now. I kind of want to see how it manages to get worse.


    • SC says:

      Jesus Christ, I’m sill trying to figure out how it COULD. This is a kind of low even my bat-shit fanfics that I wrote when I was, like, EIGHT couldn’t match this shit.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Writing since eight? How long have you been writing fanfics for?

        I did do some stories for school back then. But I started writing at home, doing fanfics more often but not posting them anywhere, back in 2007. So I have been doing fanfics since at least eight years.

        And you want to know how horrible some of my first fanfics are? Some would make this fanfic look almost good in comparison. Let that sink in…and that was in around 2010 when I started posting in Fanfiction.net.

        Guess people just have different levels of badness when they start writing. Since everyone was a rookie at least once.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      You are very brave, for even venturing to the third chapter. Now, when I look at it, I think it’s one of the worst things I’ve written.

  9. neji7hyuga says:

    Oh dear…the horror resumes…and it’s back to answering questions. As usual, I’ll use paragraphs so it won’t be one giant wall of text.

    I should have used more detail, but at least I did learn the lesson a while back. Needless to say, I try to avoid that mistake.

    And that’s indeed a case of characters being OOC. Needless to say, I did learn from those mistakes. Though I am all for expanding character personalities. And that’s indeed true, it’s bad writing all around.

    You know, some things, I just have to write it down as my rookie level writing getting really bad. Think the only reason it would not qualify as a trollfic is because I don’t have deliberately bad spelling that’s often associated with them.

    What did Flynn pull in “Udina gets some Advise”?

    Alright, back to answering questions.

    I had a problem with telling instead of showing back then. I have learned the lesson that I need to show, not tell.

    Be a weird fic? Oh, yes it will be! There’s a reason I said this mission should be S-ranked.

    That’s true about comm links, and I have taken note of that for any future fanfics, and why double checking stuff in the canon and wiki for the canon is a good idea if one is not sure. And might be also due to my low level writing skills back then.

    I’m afraid it got that stupid, sorry for visiting the horror of said stupid upon Fanfiction.net…

    Yup, going to put it up as a case of lacking description yet again. I can imagine someone can write a long story on all that is wrong with this fanfic.

    This sounds like a case of my rookie level writing skills, due to the fact it got worded wrong. I think what I meant to do was try to say someone on one ship managed to use the computer systems to hack into the systems of another. And well, one can tell I failed so miserably.

    My dialogue was horrendous back then.

    I don’t blame you for deciding not to care at this point. The stupidity would drive even a Jōnin (high level) ninja insane.

    Sorry, but some of the stuff I did, when I look at it, just literally made me facepalm in real life, really.

    Logic is missing in action apparently. Team Guy and Team Kurenai are searching for it, but it’s gonna take them a long while.

    I really can’t answer every single question, some things I did are just so dumb, it defies all logic…I am feeling greatly ashamed of this fic.

    Afraid so that Edward Cullen has one…since Logic is still missing in action. It’ll take the two ninja teams days to find it.

    It’s indeed so silly and completely ridiculous, which is why any answers are eluded at the moment.

    The zombie still lives…maybe one needs fire, or dispose of it the way the T-1000 finally met its end in the second Terminator movie.

    Jumped the shark? I think it jumped more than one shark.

    Indeed, that summary of the story, you did not make any of it up. It’s just…*facepalm*
    That can be put as a case of OOC for Shepard.

    About the dialogue, indeed. It was so stilted and hammy back then. I am not sure about these days.

    This is going to get worse. Much, much worse.

    If there’s any questions that you have on the second part that need answering, I might be able to answer them. Though this part was just dumber than the last. And the third chapter…*sighs and facepalms*

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      “Udina Gets Some Advise” was the other fic I snarked during this particular break from Parallel Realities. Let’s just say Flynn here basically knocked down the door to the human embassy on the Citadel to yell at Udina… over something that isn’t endemically a problem with Udina. It’s a long story.

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