265: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Two, Part OnePosted: June 9, 2012
Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Two
Critiqued by Lyle
Submitted by Mr. Rofapofagus
Hi! *waves energetically* I just took a shot of pure mocha extract (my day job is awesome) and I have enough sugar buzzing through my system to drop a horse. This should make today’s riff far more interesting than the story it’s snarking. Weee!
Let’s see here… last time on S&W:R, our twelve-year-old non-canon protagonists (Harry Potter as a girl named Jade and our male author’s persona, Ryu) admitted that they’re madly in love with each other. Then, contrary to anything we’ve ever seen in the Naruto Universe, Naruto passes the exams after wiping the floor with some random other pre-genin who was so unimportant that the author chose not to even assign him a name.
Naruto is flat-out told that he’s the Nine Tails carrier by Sarutobi, who essentially broke a law that he put into place to protect Naruto’s reputation, and Jade Harry-Sue finds out where she’s from. She’s given the ultimatum that she must decide if she wants to go back to her home dimension. If she goes, her team has to go with her even if they don’t want to. Fun times shall be had by all, I’m sure.
Chapter Two: The Team and the Decision
I’ll hand it to DKR; his chapter titles are thus far fairly accurate.
Jade sighed contently as she snuggled herself closer to Ryu, she hadn’t slept that well in years ‘Maybe it has to do with my choice for a pillow.‘ She mused to herself with a giggle as she listened to the steady beat of his heart. A frown crossed her face as she remembered the choice she was to make today ‘What should I do?‘ she asked herself ‘I worked so hard to become a shinobi, then some guy comes along and wants to ship me off to another school to fight against some asshole who apparently killed my parents who I don’t remember and is terrorizing a world that isn’t connected to ours.‘
Hey, there’s a period in there! *fist-pump*
I don’t know about other people, but I actually find sleeping on someone else rather uncomfortable. My neck usually gets a pretty painful crick in it and I never know where to put the arm that is inevitably crushed under me.
That aside, Jade just became a shinobi. Her job description is “fight against assholes who are terrorizing the world.” So what if it’s not her world? As a ninja, her job is to do whatever her leader tells her to do, no questions asked. If Sarutobi wants her to go to Harry Potter Land to fight Voldemort, she’d go without complaint. I know it’s slightly different in this case because she is being given a choice in the matter, but still… for someone who was raised to be a weapon, she seems rather reluctant to go off and be that weapon.
“What’s wrong Jade-chan?” Ryu asked softly as he cracked an eye open “Because that is one big frown on you beautiful face, it doesn’t belong there.”
How did he see she was frowning if his eyes were closed? Don’t tell me he’s got a fucking visual kekkei genkai. Considering he’s supposed to be from some sort of nearly-dead clan, it wouldn’t surprise me if DKR gave him some sort of uber-powerful blood-born trait.
Jade smiled slightly at his comment “I’m frustrated,” she admitted “I worked my ass off for six years to become a shinobi, then this Dumble-something-or-other comes along saying I need to save a world that I hold no ties to.”
Ryu chuckled his chest vibrating in Jade’s ear “Hear him out and ask for a combat demonstration of this so called ‘magic’,” he suggested “There’s no harm in it, and if he tries to push the issue put him in one of you more nasty genjutsus.”
Genjutsu. Stop trying to pluralize Japanese, dobe.
I hate to admit it but Harry-Sue does have a bit of a point. I think I’d have the same opinion if I suddenly found out that I was supposed to be from another dimension. Why in the world would I want to leave if I’ve made my life here? Apart from the fact that Ryu suggests using what is essentially “fuck with your brain” style jutsu on an elderly man, his idea to hear Dumbledore out is surprisingly intelligent.
They then make out and I’ll spare you the icky details of two twelve-year-olds kissing with tongue.
Oh, thank God… scene change! We are now at the Academy at noon. Jade is hanging onto Ryu’s arm like a rhesus monkey.
Jade leaned against Ryu as the trio waited in the chaos known as the Academy classroom ducking under the odd paper plane and, wait was that a desk, looking back Ryu confirmed that yup, Sakura Haruno had indeed thrown a desk at Ino only for the platinum blond to duck out of the way ‘Iruka-sensei will not like this, not one bit.‘ He thought to himself deadpanning as the so called kunoichi of the classroom sans two quarreled with each other on who sat next to Sasuke.
Uhm… I don’t think our intrepid author has actually seen any of the pages/episodes that take place in the Academy classrooms if he thinks one of the desks is capable of being lifted and tossed across the room. Here’s a picture of the classrooms in the Academy from the anime (the manga is the same design):
What in the world does “kunoichi of the classroom sans two quarreled” mean? There’s more than four female ninja in that room. The only ones that make it through the next selection process are Sakura, Ino, and Hinata. Add Harry-Sue and that makes four. But in both the manga and the anime, more than just those three other girls are shown during the scene in which this is supposed to take place.
True to his thoughts when Iruka entered the room he glance around the room once and seeing his look the trio immediately activated a personal privacy that blocked sound from getting in that Ryu designed, They were surprised however when the level of Iruka’s voice actually managed to get through to them as he ranted and raved in his ‘Big Head Mode.’ “You sorry lot call yourselves shinobi!” Iruka shouted at the top of his lungs actually being heard all the way in Iwa “I have seen people three quarters of your age act more mature than you! You girls are always fawning over some stuck up retard who is obviously gay with his constant rejections of you, you’re always so worried about the condition of your body that you debilitate yourself by not eating enough food for the sake of getting thinner!” As he continued continued his rant his volume increased making the trio wonder how large his lungs were “You are always wondering why you get tired so easily? Well I’ll tell you why, because you do not eat enough food! Take a look at Jade there, I’ve seen her pack away five large bowls of Ramen once and look at her stamina, not only that but she spends more time training than stalking some jackass!” Sasuke’s eye twitched as Iruka continued on “You know what, I’ll tell you this you will not last a second out there with this attitude, if it was up to me over three quarters of you would of failed yesterday!”
NO! *grabs a classroom desk and brings it crashing down over DKR’s head.*
Do you even fucking watch the show or read the manga?! What the fuckity fuck fuck are you thinking, you fuck!?
Iruka-sensei would never, NEVER say those types of things. He has a tempter and will yell at the kids if they’re misbehaving, but he is not some bigoted asshole who just yells random insulting profanity at children. He’s kind-hearted and good-natured! This just… just… it boils me. I’m so boiled I’m lobster-red. GAH!
Anyway, Iruka’s rant is interrupted by the appearance of someone at the window:
“Wow, Iruka-san,” an amused voice called out from the window, looking out they saw a man with red shoulder length hair in a ponytail that went to his shoulder blades and yellow-brownish eyes wearing a regular jonin outfit with a red flack vest and black shinobi sandals with his navy blue Hai-ate tied around his forehead and had a ninjato on his back, the man stood to his full height of 6′ and jumped into the classroom “I think Kumo might not quiet have heard you there, wanna try again?”
Iruka rolled his eyes “I wasn’t that loud Hachi-san.”
Point the First: Iruka’s title is not Iruka-san, no matter who is talking to him. It is Iruka-sensei as he is the lead instructor at the Academy. In public, at least, and especially when he is in his classroom, he would be referred to as “sensei” even by other people unless he specifies that he would prefer to be called “san.”
Point the Second: What the hell is a “regular jonin outfit?” Let’s look at this, shall we? Other than the gloves and mask on the man on the left, what, pray tell, is the difference between these two outfits?
Nothing, that’s what. Kakashi (left) is a jonin. Iruka (right) is a chunin. And they wear the exact same uniform because there is only one fucking uniform for a normal shinobi!
Point the Third: A forehead-protector is a “Hitai-ate,” you ding bat, not “hai-ate.”
Point the Fourth: Hachi means “Eight” in Japanese. I haz a giggle…
Oh, and Number Eight here is not a canon character. I wonder which one of DKR’s friends this guy is based off… Either that, or this character is actually a loyal Akita. Could be either, I suppose.
We’re thrown into another scene change right after Number Eight’s appearance. This time, we end up in Iwa, of all bizarre places to go.
Iwa is the shortened version of the name Iwagakure, the Village Hidden in Stone. They’re part of the Earth Country, North-West of the Fire country (where Naruto lives).
Meanwhile in Iwa
“Have we found out what the source of all that yelling was yet?” asked the elderly Tsuchikage as he grumpily shifted in his seat.
“Not yet Tsuchikage-sama.” A rock ANBU denied bowing “Twelve teams are out searching but no-one has found anything yet.”
The Tsuchikage humphed and glowered out the window as he rubbed his sore ears.
What the hell was the point of that? Iruka yelled loudly. Right, we get it. It’s not necessary to show that they actually heard him in Iwa. That’s just dumb.
On that baffling note, I’ll leave you for this week. Join me next week when I resist the urge to send the author of this wreck a scathing review about how he has failed to portray ANY canon character realistically. I get the distinct feeling that RDK doesn’t actually like any of the characters in Naruto other than Naruto himself. Just about every other character is painted as either a complete douche-tower or as a useless piece of dog poop.
If you need me, I’ll be in the Naruto section of ff.net reading KakaIru slash-fics and giggling like a schoolgirl.
See you next week!