263: Asari Healing – Chapter One

Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic:  Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Asari Healing Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello children. Well, we’re still on break from Parallel Realities, and I did promise two fics. So here’s fic number two.

Anyway… well, remember how Udina Gets some Advise was stupid? Well, this one is even stupider in a lot of ways.

So let’s strap in, yeah? We’ve got a fanfic to snark!.

We begin our story with this:

Seven years have passed since the Battle of Naboo.

Oh. Well, that’s rather nice of this story to establish the timeline. It’s too bad we’re in the prequel trilogy where things aren’t all that great, and—

Qui-Gon Jinn is in a deep coma, one no one is sure he will ever come out of.

Wait, Qui-Gon Jinn is only in a coma?

Wow. I knew that being burned on a funeral pyre was supposed to be bad for your health, but I didn’t know you could actually survive that shit!

The Republic made first contact with the Asari two days ago.

Wait! Wait wait wait wait wait!

How the hell is this possible? The asari and the Republic aren’t even part of the same galaxy! I mean, the iconic opening crawl of Star Wars says that all six movies took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and the ME series takes place 171 years from now in an approximation of our galaxy. I mean…

How the hell did the asari even go back in time? There has gotta be some incredibly freaky shit going down with the theory of relativity if this is happening. I mean… how the hell did they even leave their respective galaxies? And besides, wouldn’t the Star Wars people have to deal with those guys that hang out around the outside of the galaxy waiting for unsuspecting travelers to run into them or something?  And what about the Mass Effect galaxy? They’d run into the Reapers if they ever tried to exit that galaxy!

And that’s not even going into how these two guys crossed billions, possibly trillions of light years to get to each other’s galaxies!

I mean… Look at this! We only just finished the first paragraph, and already this story makes no fucking sense!

Be afraid, people. Be very afraid.

“We should call in the Asari. Maybe they can heal Master Qui-Gon.” Obi-Wan says to Yoda and Mace Windu.

Jeez, these characters like to get to the point, don’t they? I mean, we don’t get any establishment at all! No scenic development, no actions, no knowing who else is in the scene, nothing. We just get right to the scene.

“That is a good idea. Everything we tried up to this point to heal Qui-Gon has failed.” Mace Windu says.

Yeah, I hear that most medical procedures don’t tend to work on people when they’re dead.

Mace Windu opens a COM line to Thessia, the Asari home world.

“What do you need?” Matriarch Rezesia says in a gentle tone.

Uh… who is this lady?

“We need your best healers to come to the Jedi Temple.

Uh… Asari have healers?

There is a Jedi named Qui-Gon, he has been in a coma for seven years, we are not sure how much longer it will last.” Mace Windu says.

Uh, fic, who the hell are they talking to?

“We will send Matriarch Seneya and Matriarch Asarshi.”

Who and who?

“Thanks, we are out of options of how to heal Qui-Gon.”

W-what? Pumpkin?

“We are just trying our best to help. We always try to help our allies, old or new. Rezesia out.”

“Mace Windu out.”

W-wait! I still don’t know—!

Seneya and Asarshi get on a starship and fly to space. The ship enters FTL flight and heads to Coruscant.

STOP!!! Just, stop for a second!

What the hell is going on there? Who are these non-Mace Windu characters? How will this asari healing help Qui-Gon? What have you tried? What is this asari healing procedure? Why are they so willing to do this?

I just… I don’t know! This is making that one animated Titanic movie look slow in comparison!

Okay. So once we get past the ridiculously fast pacing, we find that Mace Windu talked to some random asari lady that we’ll probably never see again, and she sent two matriarchs who can apparently heal people, because why the hell not. All this, without any explanation.

“Lets go to the landing pad.” Mace Windu says to Obi-Wan.

The two Jedi go to the landing pad and the ship Seneya and Asarshi are flying on arrives one hour later. The ship lands on the landing pad.

Ugh, thank you. We’re now on a landing pad.

Where the hell is this landing pad? And how the hell did these two random matriarchs get there? I mean… did they do the time warp? ‘Cause that’s the only plausible explanation I can come up with for how they jumped back several… however many years ‘a long time ago’ constitutes, not to mention how they managed to jump… however many light years ‘a galaxy far, far away’ constitutes.

Yeah, that’s gotta be it. They did the time warp.

Okay. So assuming that this is going to make any goddamn sense any time soon… what is this guy going to do with this?

“Hi, Mace Windu.” Matriarch Seneya says after walking down the landing ramp with Asarshi following behind her.

Right, he’s going to have these asari matriarchs say ‘hi’ to someone they would logically be acting much more respectfully to.

Did I mention asari matriarchs in canon are usually a thousand years old and know who is and is not worthy of their respect?

“HI, I will lead you to the room Qui-Gon Jinn is in.” Mace Windu says to the Matriarch.

The two Asari, Obi-Wan, and Mace walk to the medical ward of the Jedi Temple.

“In here.” Mace says as he opens the door that leads into one of the rooms in the medical ward.

Okay, so now, the bulk of the action has been concentrated on walking scenes where nothing happens. I mean, seriously, this is the most detailed this story has gotten so far. No no, the stuff where we find out how the asari and everyone else found the Republic? Nah, that’s not interesting at all! The really good shit is lying in how we got them to walk around in the Jedi Temple to heal a character that should be dead according to canon!

The lights in the room are dim, and there is only one medical bed in the room.

Jeez, we’re approximately halfway through, and we’re only now getting some description in there?

Took you long enough.

“By the goddess. How long was Qui-Gon in a coma?” Seneya asks Mace Windu.

“For seven years. What can you do to heal him?” Mace replies.

“There is a special power named Melding. It allows for an Asari and her partner to join minds and share thoughts, it is a very gentle process. It also can heal someone in a coma; I have done it several times in my eight hundred years in the medical field. I just need peace and quiet.”

Uh… yeah, the meld has no known healing properties according to proper Mass Effect canon. And actually, using the meld to try to heal people in a coma is actually kind of squicky when you realize what it does in canon. You know, the whole bit where the meld is used for reproductive purposes. Granted, you can use this ability for more than just reproduction as Liara showed throughout the first game, but you can’t use it to heal people, so that fact is more than a little suspect.

Since we’ve established that, let me make sure I have this right: the Jedi Council somehow ran out of ways to wake Qui-Gon up, and are now turning to random blue space babes who don’t live in the same time period and live God knows how many light years away so they can heal your guy and they somehow traversed the ridiculous distance and time hurdles within the course of an hour and are going to mind-rape Qui-Gon Jinn until he wakes up that’s wonderful I think we can all agree that we’re in good hands here and that whales and dolphins are being hunted by the Titanichehehagalakashaka—


*takes a deep breath*

Okay, you know what? Let’s just move on.

“Okay. Do you want us the leave the room?”

“Yes, please.”

“I will go also, so you can focus.” Asarshi says to Seneya.

The two Jedi and Asarshi leave the room. They sit in chairs outside of the room.

“How long does it take to do the special healing?” Obi-Wan asks Asarshi.

“The shortest time it took for anyone to the special power to heal someone in a coma was ten minutes. The longest was two hours.” Asarshi replies.

“I hope it is not too long.”

“Me too.”

God damn it, I can never seem to shake the ‘this fic does a poor job of explaining shit’ problem that keeps running around taunting me. Seriously, we got this much time on this non-canon asari healing technique, and yet this fic won’t be bothered to tell us how the asari were able to get to the Republic in an hour in the first place?

Prioritizing: you’re doing it wrong.

One hour and fifteen minutes later, the door opens.

“I succeeded in healing Qui-Gon Jinn; he is starting to wake up.” Seneya says to the other good guys.

“Seneya says to the other good guys”?

Other good guys”!?


That has got to be the laziest way to label a group of characters I have ever seen in my life!

“That is great!” Jedi Master Mace Windu says to Seneya.

Yeah, Mace, that’s great. Really. This lady’s just made a zombie out of Qui-Gon who’ll probably start a zombie apocalypse somehow. Yeah. That’s just smashingly wonderful.

The Asari and Jedi walk into the room.

“How long was I out for?” Qui-Gon asks after he wakes up.

Ah! Zombie Qui-Gon talks! Quick ! Kill it! Kill it with a shot to the head!

“Master Qui-Gon, you were in a coma for seven years. Matriarch Seneya healed you. The Republic made first contact with the Asari two days ago. They are masters of healing.”

Yes, they are masters of healing through the wonderful powers of sexual reproduction rituals!

“Seneya, how long will it be before Qui-Gon heals completely?” Obi-Wan asks Seneya.

“It will take several months of therapy.

*blows a kiss to the audience*

Goodnight, everybody!

I will stay here and help.” Seneya replies.

“I will head back to Thessia.” Asarshi says to Seneya.

“Okay. I will stay here; I will contact you when things are finished here.” Seneya replies.

Maybe you can also contact us to explain how the hell you’re in the Republic right now.

Well, guys, here we are: this fic is a crossover of Mass Effect and Star Wars where the asari can do the time warp, they have healing powers, Qui-Gon Jinn is now a zombie, said zombie can talk, and nothing about anything that is actually relevant to our experience has been explained.

What’s that you’re asking? How does Twilight figure into this?

Oh, you’ll find out. You’ll find out. In the meantime, grab some headgear. You’re gonna need it soon enough.


26 Comments on “263: Asari Healing – Chapter One”

  1. Addicted Reader says:

    So they send to Matriarchs, but only one of them does anything. What was the point of that?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hell if I know. It actually used to be a trademark of his stories that he would introduce characters that would end up having an extremely minor (if any) impact on the plot, to the point where he once threw Stargate: Atlantis into the second to last chapter of a crossover for what amounted to no reason in the grand scheme of things. (Yes, record of that story still exists thanks to one of my more narrative MSTs.)

      Trust me, there will be even dumber things that show up.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Let’s say I was a rookie back then. And indeed, that’s just a very rookie level mistake. Let’s say I don’t do that anymore.

        That’s…sadly true.

        And about those dislikes you got? I have a confession, back when I was angry at this and also being an immature jerk at best, I was disliking the posts, sometimes coming back to do it again. (Sarcasm mode on) Very mature, I know. (Sarcasm mode off). So I gave you a like to help offset it. And will do it again later on for this post. Since I feel bad for being an immature jerk and could have handled it better.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      I know, bad rookie mistake on my part. No wonder I deleted them all…though they do exist on my flashdrives.

      And reviewers weren’t entirely helpful… even hurling insults directed at me.

      Though thankfully other sites have been very helpful in improving my writing. Deviantart has been extremely helpful. I have improved to some extent during the later parts of 2012-2014.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        And we’re glad you did, man. =D

        • neji7hyuga says:

          Me too. Otherwise jerks would have kept coming and saying nasty things directed against me. Then it would have likely gotten to the point where I wouldn’t want to write anymore lest I suffer more abuse.

          Things have gone much more smoothly since then,

  2. And now I’ve got Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” stuck in my head.

    The Jedi have only known this other race for two days??? I wouldn’t ask someone I’ve known that long to look after my cats, much less poke around in my friend’s brain.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Trust me, this is hardly the dumbest thing that the Jedi do in relation to their relations with the asari. You’ll see what they do next chapter that’ll make that look relatively intelligent in comparison.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Worry not, questions will be answered.

      I know, very rookie level mistake, and I think it was a mistake doing stories before I had even read a lot of them…might have saved me all the trouble and grief.

      As for the healing thing, let’s say that was sort of inspired by a fanfic, that seems to have been lost to the shifting sands of time, that had something like this in the summary and I took a look of course- “Asari healing on the level of nerves and stuff”. I might be off though.

      Oh, and it can also be written up to be a bad case of Wish Fulfillment gone horribly wrong.

  3. Kate says:

    “What the hell is going on there? Who are these non-Mace Windu characters? How will this asari healing help Qui-Gon? What have you tried? What is this asari healing procedure? Why are they so willing to do this?”

    Because fuck logic, that’s why.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Yes, indeed. Logic was missing in action. Had to have Team Guy, consisting of Might Guy, Rock Lee, Neji Hyūga, and Tenten, find it. Found it after a long period of time had passed.

  4. Mr. Rofapofagus says:

    He’s not that bad actually; he’s perfectly mimicking the Star Wars Prequels in the sense that both expect you to understand everything, have expository banter that is mostly pointless and makes no sense, and are horrible to watch and/or read. All we need now is bland choreographed fights, light sabers everywhere, and Jar Jar Binks. When those are added, the illusion will be complete.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh, but this goes one step further. Just wait until tomorrow’s update, trust me. Stuff happens in the next chapter and then the one after it that makes you wonder if it was made on acid.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Haha, I have to say I had a weak chuckle at what you said. Not a bad thing, thought it was kind of funny actually.

      And yes, the prequels are not as good as the originals. I am no hater of either part of Star Wars, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like any of the characters from the prequels. Like Luminara Unduli, she’s one of my favorites now in Star Wars. So that part at least did some good of introducing characters who could be built upon by fanfic writers.

  5. […] this fic didn’t waste any time completely sucking, now, did it? My god, Asari Healing took more time to get to this level of spectacular badness, and it stopped making sense within the […]

  6. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    “This lady’s just made a zombie out of Qui-Gon who’ll probably start a zombie apocalypse somehow. Yeah.”
    And thus, John G Stupard was born…

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh God no! The last thing this story needs to be is a tie-in to Parallel Realities!

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        His mission: To destroy the evil Asari Republic. Also, to regugitate the plot of the Mass Effect trilogy. He has a lightsaber that isn’t actually a lightsaber, and he can control Sigma energy, which is exactly like the Force except better.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        But if he was born in the Star Wars universe, shouldn’t his name be Luke G. Stuwalker?
        “I am your fath-”
        “No you’re not, my father was killed by a zombie apcalypse caused by blue space babes!”
        “Search your feel-wait what?”

      • neji7hyuga says:

        I agree, that’s the last thing I would want for the story.

    • DasCheesenBorgir says:

      Doesn’t Starkiller already exist? ;)

    • neji7hyuga says:

      Oh no! No, no, nononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs off screaming to the Hokage office and hides under Tsunade’s desk.* Not that guy! Tsunade, save me! I think I made Stupard mad on that earlier mission and now he’s hunting me!

      Hehe, sorry, just had to have a little fun here to lighten the mood. But honestly, from what I can see, I know when I read the PR snarking, I am going to hate John G. Stupard. I am going to want to see Gaara crush him.

  7. neji7hyuga says:

    Now that I have answered the questions in the comments that I felt needed answering…onto the main thing-

    Oh boy, I felt bad for those who didn’t know what they were getting into. It’s like they signed up for a D -rank mission, then it turned into an S-rank mission (Naruto ninja missions go from D, least dangerous, to S, most dangerous).

    And seeing what you said, it looks like I made one of the greatest mistakes a writer could make- which was leaving too many things up to reader interpretation, leading you and other readers to wonder what went on.

    And also leaving out how the crossover came to be caused it to come off as implausible. Now, I believe it could work if I had done it right, as I have the firm belief that no crossover is truly implausible. Some can exist as humor or horror. I mean, there can be one that’s a deliberate mind screw that’s very well written and done. One can choose to hang lampshades, make sure stuff is attended to. And in this crossover, it was poorly executed.

    And you’re right on “Be afraid, be very afraid”. Hold tight to your ninja teammates or your sensei, it’s about to get much, much worse I’m sure. Remember, rookie at the time? So that means it might take the dive into the Valley of insanity.

    And also one can add poor writing too to the list of rookie mistakes. Getting straight to the point without any establishment at all, no scenic development, no actions, no knowing who else is in the scene, nothing. We just get right into the scene. And let’s say I learned my lesson.

    And also failing to establish OC characters properly, so I likely did not end up with a Mary Sue or Gary Stu, but rather a flat 1-D character, lower levels of 2-D at best.

    As for the Asari healing stuff and healers. Let’s say it’s a case of Wish Fulfillment that went horribly, horribly wrong. I mentioned it a bit earlier but time to dive in deeper and get some revelations. What happened was years ago, during 2010 I think, might be a bit off but that’s my estimate at least. I saw a story, which I think was lost to the shifting sands of time as I had tried searching in Fanfiction.net but came up empty handed, that had something like this in the summary. Might be off- “Asari healing on the level of nerves and stuff.” And I read it, and it inspired me to go “What if Asari had healing abilities?” Now, I don’t know if the idea could even have worked if such a concept existed in a very well done story, but I did make the rookie mistake of executing the idea poorly at least. So, that’s how the healing thing all got started, and I don’t do it anymore since considering the reactions of my reviewers in the past.

    The pacing was so fast. And I didn’t properly use dialogue tags and did not expand upon dialogue with actions. So that’s another thing wrong. *gets into ninja bag and pulls out some sweets* Want any as a reward for enduring this much? It takes a lot to endure this much of my rookie level stupidity.

    And here, fellow gentlemen and ladies, is why one must establish good flow. Since my super fast pacing can, to put it literally, leave you wondering if you had just gotten caught in a genjutsu (means ninja illusion arts). And also not establishing how things happened, that’s a very bad mistake in a crossover. And I learned that lesson the hard and painful way.

    And that, is why writers must make sure to keep things in character. True, a crossover usually places a character in a different situation, but one can look at their canon personality and judge how they would likely react.

    Yes, sadly, the bulk of the action scenes were concentrated on walking scenes where nothing happens. I can say this may have been due to my inexperience with action scenes. And as for establishing how the crossover came to be, that would seriously be interesting, but I guess I was just too much of a rookie at the time. And that’s sadly true. And about the part “heal a character that should be dead according to canon”, one can say this was supposed to be a sort of AU but I never explained what happened differently back on Naboo. I guess I, at that time, would have gone with Obi-Wan using the Force to try to heal him, and managing to do so to an extent that he was able to survive long enough for medical attention to be given. But I was too much of a rookie, and possibly would come off as lazy to some but I think it was more of not knowing how to write a story properly at the time.

    And indeed, I should have added that kind of descriptive detail everywhere else too in the story…

    Ah, yes. The mind meld thing having healing properties. Another case of the Wish Fulfillment going horribly, horribly wrong. And indeed it comes off that way due to the fact I never bothered to explain the alternate healing mode. So, here, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should explain new stuff in an AU setting, so that people will know what it is and what it’s supposed to do and everything else. And I made that mistake, and as said before, the pull of Wish Fulfillment is strong. Almost seems like a black hole, the closer you get, the stronger the pull is. Let’s say I dived down below the event horizon back then without a second thought. Let’s say I will never make the same mistake again. And what you are reading is a badly done attempt at Wish Fulfillment that ended up having some..um, would you call it Fridge Logic or Horror? Due to the fact that I didn’t explain the healing stuff enough.

    The “does a poor job of explaining stuff” problem is running around taunting you? No problem! *turns to Rock Lee* Can you catch it?” *Rock Lee gives thumbs up pose and says “Yes!” and chases it down, catching it after opening three of the Eight Gates* There, he got it! Now you don’t have to worry about it taunting you while running circles around you. And you are sadly right on “Prioritizing: you’re doing it wrong.”

    About the “other good guys” thing, such a lazy rookie mistake. And is it really the laziest way to label a group of characters you have seen in your life? Or have you seen worse at this point? Since I know with the amount of time that has passed, worse might have been seen.

    *gives shotgun* Found it off the half sunken UNSC ship off the Land of Fire’s southern coast. Looks like it’s been there for a long time, centuries even. As there’s no record of a falling star crashing there. Don’t know how the shotgun survived the ages without falling apart. Hopefully it serves the function of killing a zombie.

    At the masters of healing part and beyond- and here, ladies and gentlemen, is why one must explain stuff. Don’t make the same mistakes this former rookie writer did. And beware the deadly grasp of Wish Fulfillment, it’s pull is strong. And can catch you by surprise if you’re not careful.

    Goodness, this is long. Though I guess its what happens when one decides to have a little fun and also answer questions. Onto the next chapter’s page, where I will answer the questions of that page there.

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