263: Asari Healing – Chapter OnePosted: June 7, 2012 | |
Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic: Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Asari Healing Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello children. Well, we’re still on break from Parallel Realities, and I did promise two fics. So here’s fic number two.
Anyway… well, remember how Udina Gets some Advise was stupid? Well, this one is even stupider in a lot of ways.
So let’s strap in, yeah? We’ve got a fanfic to snark!.
We begin our story with this:
Seven years have passed since the Battle of Naboo.
Oh. Well, that’s rather nice of this story to establish the timeline. It’s too bad we’re in the prequel trilogy where things aren’t all that great, and—
Qui-Gon Jinn is in a deep coma, one no one is sure he will ever come out of.
Wait, Qui-Gon Jinn is only in a coma?
Wow. I knew that being burned on a funeral pyre was supposed to be bad for your health, but I didn’t know you could actually survive that shit!
The Republic made first contact with the Asari two days ago.
Wait! Wait wait wait wait wait!
How the hell is this possible? The asari and the Republic aren’t even part of the same galaxy! I mean, the iconic opening crawl of Star Wars says that all six movies took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and the ME series takes place 171 years from now in an approximation of our galaxy. I mean…
How the hell did the asari even go back in time? There has gotta be some incredibly freaky shit going down with the theory of relativity if this is happening. I mean… how the hell did they even leave their respective galaxies? And besides, wouldn’t the Star Wars people have to deal with those guys that hang out around the outside of the galaxy waiting for unsuspecting travelers to run into them or something? And what about the Mass Effect galaxy? They’d run into the Reapers if they ever tried to exit that galaxy!
And that’s not even going into how these two guys crossed billions, possibly trillions of light years to get to each other’s galaxies!
I mean… Look at this! We only just finished the first paragraph, and already this story makes no fucking sense!
Be afraid, people. Be very afraid.
“We should call in the Asari. Maybe they can heal Master Qui-Gon.” Obi-Wan says to Yoda and Mace Windu.
Jeez, these characters like to get to the point, don’t they? I mean, we don’t get any establishment at all! No scenic development, no actions, no knowing who else is in the scene, nothing. We just get right to the scene.
“That is a good idea. Everything we tried up to this point to heal Qui-Gon has failed.” Mace Windu says.
Yeah, I hear that most medical procedures don’t tend to work on people when they’re dead.
Mace Windu opens a COM line to Thessia, the Asari home world.
“What do you need?” Matriarch Rezesia says in a gentle tone.
Uh… who is this lady?
“We need your best healers to come to the Jedi Temple.
Uh… Asari have healers?
There is a Jedi named Qui-Gon, he has been in a coma for seven years, we are not sure how much longer it will last.” Mace Windu says.
Uh, fic, who the hell are they talking to?
“We will send Matriarch Seneya and Matriarch Asarshi.”
Who and who?
“Thanks, we are out of options of how to heal Qui-Gon.”
“We are just trying our best to help. We always try to help our allies, old or new. Rezesia out.”
“Mace Windu out.”
W-wait! I still don’t know—!
Seneya and Asarshi get on a starship and fly to space. The ship enters FTL flight and heads to Coruscant.
STOP!!! Just, stop for a second!
What the hell is going on there? Who are these non-Mace Windu characters? How will this asari healing help Qui-Gon? What have you tried? What is this asari healing procedure? Why are they so willing to do this?
I just… I don’t know! This is making that one animated Titanic movie look slow in comparison!
Okay. So once we get past the ridiculously fast pacing, we find that Mace Windu talked to some random asari lady that we’ll probably never see again, and she sent two matriarchs who can apparently heal people, because why the hell not. All this, without any explanation.
“Lets go to the landing pad.” Mace Windu says to Obi-Wan.
The two Jedi go to the landing pad and the ship Seneya and Asarshi are flying on arrives one hour later. The ship lands on the landing pad.
Ugh, thank you. We’re now on a landing pad.
Where the hell is this landing pad? And how the hell did these two random matriarchs get there? I mean… did they do the time warp? ‘Cause that’s the only plausible explanation I can come up with for how they jumped back several… however many years ‘a long time ago’ constitutes, not to mention how they managed to jump… however many light years ‘a galaxy far, far away’ constitutes.
Yeah, that’s gotta be it. They did the time warp.
Okay. So assuming that this is going to make any goddamn sense any time soon… what is this guy going to do with this?
“Hi, Mace Windu.” Matriarch Seneya says after walking down the landing ramp with Asarshi following behind her.
Right, he’s going to have these asari matriarchs say ‘hi’ to someone they would logically be acting much more respectfully to.
Did I mention asari matriarchs in canon are usually a thousand years old and know who is and is not worthy of their respect?
“HI, I will lead you to the room Qui-Gon Jinn is in.” Mace Windu says to the Matriarch.
The two Asari, Obi-Wan, and Mace walk to the medical ward of the Jedi Temple.
“In here.” Mace says as he opens the door that leads into one of the rooms in the medical ward.
Okay, so now, the bulk of the action has been concentrated on walking scenes where nothing happens. I mean, seriously, this is the most detailed this story has gotten so far. No no, the stuff where we find out how the asari and everyone else found the Republic? Nah, that’s not interesting at all! The really good shit is lying in how we got them to walk around in the Jedi Temple to heal a character that should be dead according to canon!
The lights in the room are dim, and there is only one medical bed in the room.
Jeez, we’re approximately halfway through, and we’re only now getting some description in there?
Took you long enough.
“By the goddess. How long was Qui-Gon in a coma?” Seneya asks Mace Windu.
“For seven years. What can you do to heal him?” Mace replies.
“There is a special power named Melding. It allows for an Asari and her partner to join minds and share thoughts, it is a very gentle process. It also can heal someone in a coma; I have done it several times in my eight hundred years in the medical field. I just need peace and quiet.”
Uh… yeah, the meld has no known healing properties according to proper Mass Effect canon. And actually, using the meld to try to heal people in a coma is actually kind of squicky when you realize what it does in canon. You know, the whole bit where the meld is used for reproductive purposes. Granted, you can use this ability for more than just reproduction as Liara showed throughout the first game, but you can’t use it to heal people, so that fact is more than a little suspect.
Since we’ve established that, let me make sure I have this right: the Jedi Council somehow ran out of ways to wake Qui-Gon up, and are now turning to random blue space babes who don’t live in the same time period and live God knows how many light years away so they can heal your guy and they somehow traversed the ridiculous distance and time hurdles within the course of an hour and are going to mind-rape Qui-Gon Jinn until he wakes up that’s wonderful I think we can all agree that we’re in good hands here and that whales and dolphins are being hunted by the Titanichehehagalakashaka—
WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING!?
*takes a deep breath*
Okay, you know what? Let’s just move on.
“Okay. Do you want us the leave the room?”
“I will go also, so you can focus.” Asarshi says to Seneya.
The two Jedi and Asarshi leave the room. They sit in chairs outside of the room.
“How long does it take to do the special healing?” Obi-Wan asks Asarshi.
“The shortest time it took for anyone to the special power to heal someone in a coma was ten minutes. The longest was two hours.” Asarshi replies.
“I hope it is not too long.”
God damn it, I can never seem to shake the ‘this fic does a poor job of explaining shit’ problem that keeps running around taunting me. Seriously, we got this much time on this non-canon asari healing technique, and yet this fic won’t be bothered to tell us how the asari were able to get to the Republic in an hour in the first place?
Prioritizing: you’re doing it wrong.
One hour and fifteen minutes later, the door opens.
“I succeeded in healing Qui-Gon Jinn; he is starting to wake up.” Seneya says to the other good guys.
“Seneya says to the other good guys”?
“Other good guys”!?
That has got to be the laziest way to label a group of characters I have ever seen in my life!
“That is great!” Jedi Master Mace Windu says to Seneya.
Yeah, Mace, that’s great. Really. This lady’s just made a zombie out of Qui-Gon who’ll probably start a zombie apocalypse somehow. Yeah. That’s just smashingly wonderful.
The Asari and Jedi walk into the room.
“How long was I out for?” Qui-Gon asks after he wakes up.
Ah! Zombie Qui-Gon talks! Quick ! Kill it! Kill it with a shot to the head!
“Master Qui-Gon, you were in a coma for seven years. Matriarch Seneya healed you. The Republic made first contact with the Asari two days ago. They are masters of healing.”
Yes, they are masters of healing through the wonderful powers of sexual reproduction rituals!
“Seneya, how long will it be before Qui-Gon heals completely?” Obi-Wan asks Seneya.
“It will take several months of therapy.
*blows a kiss to the audience*
I will stay here and help.” Seneya replies.
“I will head back to Thessia.” Asarshi says to Seneya.
“Okay. I will stay here; I will contact you when things are finished here.” Seneya replies.
Maybe you can also contact us to explain how the hell you’re in the Republic right now.
Well, guys, here we are: this fic is a crossover of Mass Effect and Star Wars where the asari can do the time warp, they have healing powers, Qui-Gon Jinn is now a zombie, said zombie can talk, and nothing about anything that is actually relevant to our experience has been explained.
What’s that you’re asking? How does Twilight figure into this?
Oh, you’ll find out. You’ll find out. In the meantime, grab some headgear. You’re gonna need it soon enough.