227: Animagus Predator – Chapter Three, Part Three

Title: The Animagus Predator
Author: Bijuui9
Media: Book / Movie
Topic: Harry Potter / Aliens/Predator Cross-Over
Genre: Romance / Sci-Fi
URL: The Animagus Predator – Chapter Three
Critiqued by Ghostcat

My dear sweet Patrons, I am so very sorry. I had hoped to finish out The Animagus Predator today but after much thought and figurative hot-oil wrestling with myself I’ve decided to split the remaining portion in half. There is just a little too much to cover and I want to give the Jungle of Death the attention it deserves.

Oh, you’ll see. But first, the recap!

Harry Stu, who is the most Stu of all the Harrys, was goofing off during Transfiguration class because he’s a bored douchecanoe. Professor McGonagall asked him to stay afterwards for a little conference, but rather than kicking his ass out of her class she fawned over him like a fangirl. It is also revealed that the extremely bored Harry Stu, having learned everything in the world, has been signing up for extra classes, requested a Time Turner, and will be taking the NEWTs early – even though as a seventh year student would already be taking them that year anyway.

We left Harry Stu and the professor as the teacher-student conference went completely off the rails and he decided to reveal his vast inheritance to McGonagall, so that sounds like a good place to begin.

By the time Harry finished telling Minerva of what he found out about his inheritance it was only one hour before dinner time.

This really doesn’t give any sort of sense of the passage of time since the reader has no idea what time it was when he started his little speech. The recitation could not have taken very long, maybe five minutes tops if he’s a slow talker. Given how much Harry Stu “hates” attracting attention to himself, he has probably had the contents of that inheritance test he took printed on cards so he can just pass them out whenever the mood strikes him.

One look at the witch told Harry that she was absolutely flabbergasted.

I know exactly how she feels.

It took her a few minutes to get herself together before she let out a sigh. “Six Lord ships. Six seats on the Wizengamot. Owner ship of three third of Hogwarts and the school grounds”

:headdesk:

It’s a good thing she isn’t a professor of mathematics.

She shook her head. “I might as well make you the Headmaster as soon as you graduate You own more than half of the school and the grounds already”

Technically the professor is right; according to the handy chart I made, Harry Stu owns three-fourths of the school and half of the grounds. (It’s a bit odd that the grounds and buildings have been parceled out seperately, but that’s the least odd thing in this fic.) Her decision to make him Headmaster based on this is very, very wrong and makes absolutely no sense.

The author seems to be under the mistaken impression that ownership of the grounds and buildings give Harry Stu some sort of authority in the school itself. It doesn’t. There isn’t a whole lot of information about Hogwarts’ administrative practices, but it is most likely run by some sort of school board that would (among other duties) be in charge of hiring and firing the school’s head. Just because Harry Stu owns most of the school buildings and grounds doesn’t mean he knows the first thing about running such a large institution and it’s unlikely the school board would put him in such a position. I can own a pair of cowboy boots but that doesn’t mean someone is going to give me a job roping steers.

Harry gave her blank look. “Keep the job I am not interested in being a Headmaster.

Sweet mercy, that makes Harry Stu the closest thing this conversation has to a voice of reason.

I plan on traveling around once I get my NEWTS.

Since this is just one of numerous mentions of traveling that appear in this fic, I’m going to take a guess that the author has a similar desire.

I keep hoping they will eventually get back to the reason they are having this little meeting – the state of Harry Stu’s academic studies – but instead we just fall deeper and deeper into unfathomable weirdness. It’s like the author just forgets what they were supposed to be doing there.

I will most likely go to a secluded place where it is nearly impossible to find me unless you know where I am”

:gets out dictionary:

Secluded – adj; hidden, remote, isolated, difficult to locate.

:hits author with dictionary:

Dumbass.

The teen grinned evilly and gave her a happy look.

When he’s not hidden by the Formless Void, Harry Stu’s facial expressions have been … well, lacking expression. Based solely on what the author describes, Harry Stu has only two states of being – Mildly Happy or Emotionless Robot. To suddenly switch from a dead-eyed stare to grinning evilly and having it described as a happy look is just really odd. Harry Stu is starting to freak me out a bit.

“Though that will do you no good. You need to speak parseltongue in order to pass the wards.

Which you don’t really need to be a parselmouth to do. Ron unlocks the Chamber of Secrets to get the Basilisk’s fangs by simply imitating the hissing sounds Harry made, he didn’t even have all the much trouble doing it.

 Salazar Slytherin was a very paranoid wizard. The wards may be old but are incredibly powerful and full of nasty surprises all made with parselmagic.

Parseltongue is the language of snakes, which would make parselmagic the magic of snakes – who have no mystical abilities at all. For one thing, they’d have a hell of a time holding a wand.

 I intend to add my own wards to all of my properties as well. Though I do not have to update Hogwarts’ wards. She does that on her own”

Which would be why during the Battle of Hogwarts the staff had to cast protective wards around the buildings to keep out the Death Eaters. Was “she” going through a self-destructive emo phase then?

Minerva shakes her head. “Merlin Harry you are just as paranoid as Mad Eye Moody” Harry shrugs .

:wraps thick scarf around period:

Poor thing, you’re going to get cold out there all by yourself. Have some cocoa.

There should be a “was” after Mad Eye’s name; he’s on that list of characters who are dead and should not be appearing in this fic, so I hope he doesn’t drop in for supper later.

“Why should I not be paranoid? Just because I killed the Dark Lord and many of his minions does not mean I should just drop my guard and laze around.

Actually, that would be a good reason to do just that. If all your enemies are dead or locked up you can pretty much take it easy for a while. I’d like to object to the use of the phrase “many of his minions” – the only “minions” he can get credit for killing personally is the basilisk and possibly Quirrell. Not terribly important in the grand scheme of things.

I got to keep myself busy and what better way to do that in my own personal Jungle of Death?”

See, I told you there would be a Jungle of Death – although I think the natives prefer to call it “Northern Australia.”

The witch grimaced at the name. “Jungle of Death? I can’t say I ever heard of it. But if the name is any indication then it is full of dangerous creatures”

No shit, Sherlock; what else would it be filled with, fluffy baby ducklings eating cotton candy?

Harry quickly masked his emotions and nodded.

Ah, so we’ve gone back to Emotionless Robot Mode. I guess I could just imagine Harry Stu’s complex inner turmoil, but since the character is about as deep as a dinner plate I guess I’ll have to picture those baby ducklings eating cotton candy instead.

 “According to Griphook every type of magical animal and creature lives in the Jungle of Death.

Then shouldn’t it be called the Jungle of All Magical Creatures? Not every magical being wants to eat your face, I’m sure there are some that are shy and friendly. All those nasty sharp-fanged beasties have to have something to hunt down and devour. Also;

:THWACK!:

You do not need to use both “animals” and “creatures” in this instance because that would be redundant.

 Apparently the Jungle is very large and has many different types of habitats.

:headdesk:

So it’s the Not-A-Jungle of All Magical Creatures Living in a Variety of Habitats. I can see why everyone shortens it to Jungle of Death.

 Probably why every animal and creature in existence choose to live there.

Now it’s not just the magical creatures, but all creatures everywhere? Harry Stu is going to have to change his name to Noah.

Wait a second, though – that sounds familiar. A very large enviroment with many different habitats containing every living thing known?

Holy hell, it’s Earth! Harry Stu is taking over the Earth! GAHHH!

:runs screaming into the night:

-SEVERAL HOURS LATER-

After some spirited discussion with Lyle :twitch: and her cattle prod, I have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely that Harry Stu is discussing his plans for world domination with Professor McGonagall and will cease my efforts to build a rocketship out of discarded carpet remnants, juice boxes, and dryer lint. :twitch-twitch: Don’t worry about the muscle spasms, they will go away in a few days. Back to the riff!

Lucky I am a Parselmouth so I can enter the grounds safely as well as deal with any traps the Slytherin King left behind.

It’s probably the tranquilizer darts talking, but I just don’t care anymore. Salazar Slytherin could have been a king, or the Pope, or a little blonde girl named Suzy for all the damn I give right now.

I can just fight my way through if I have to but I doubt that is needed.

“Because I’m the bestest at everything! Love me for the implausible construct that I am! Team Stu 4evah!”

What a jackass.

I might have to renovate the castle there though. I doubt anyone has lived there for a long time”

Show of hands, who here is surprised that Harry Stu has suddenly inherited a castle?

Yes, you in the back in the blue henley – are you kidding me? Oh, you need to go to the bathroom. Sorry. It’s down the hall and to the left, beside the headdesking pillow dispensary. If you reach the pygmy marmoset room you’ve gone too far.

Minerva frowned and gave him a worried look. “Are you sure you are going alone then?” At his nod she sighed.

It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this.

:gives pixelated sword to Harry Stu:

You mean someone as charming and personable as Harry Stu can’t find someone willing to accompany him to a place called the Jungle of Death? Quelle surprise.

 “Well I can’t stop you but just to be sure I want you to take everything you might need with you. Even if it is considered to be school property. You own more than half of the school so it is yours any way.

I’ve never been in a situation where I owned a building that I rented out to a business, but I’m pretty sure this is bullshit. If I rented space to, say, an ice cream parlor and one day decided to take home all the mint chocolate chip and Moose Tracks just because an employee told me I could, I’d be getting calls (and possibly flaming bags of fecal matter on my doorstep) from the owner(s) wanting to know what the hell I was doing.

 I would also feel much better if you took a two way mirror with you. I do want to keep in contact with you”

Is Professor McGonagall trying to get the wizarding world equivalent of his phone number? Ewww.

 Harry nodded and gave her a smile. “Do not worry Minerva I will be perfectly safe.

No one would dare attack the Stu! Unless there’s a chance he could be “nursed” back to health with Cuddle-Time by an OC that resembles the author, then he will become a living bullseye.

 I will order the mirrors if it makes you feel better. And I will take anything I might need with me. I might even call some house elves once in a time to get me things”

:makes note:

“Harry Stu confesses his plans to commit theft and possibly kidnap Hogwarts’ house elves.”

The witch let out a sigh of relief and gave him a smile. “Thank you Harry that makes me feel a lot better. Now tell me about your Animagus form” Harry tilted his head. He had told her he was and Animagus and a Metamorphmagus but he hadn’t told her he was and Animorphmagus.

:headdesk:

I’m not sure about Metamorphmagi or Animorphmagi, since one is an inherited trait and the other is something that the author pulled out of her Anal Bag of Holding, but Animagi have to be registered. If Harry Stu just told the professor that he was an Animagus, then he just confessed a crime to his teacher. She should be turning him in to the Ministry, not chatting with him like a fangirl.

 “That will be complicated Minerva. I have not told you but I am an Animorphmagus” At that revelation the witch gaped at him. After two minutes she sighed. “Well I suppose I better swear on my magic not to tell anyone about your secrets then”

Two minutes. It took her two damned minutes to process this information, during which she just stared at him with her mouth hanging open. Even the characters have a hard time believing this shit.

Why would McGonagall immediately offer to take this oath upon hearing that Harry Stu is an Animorphmagus? There’s no reason for it to provoke such a response from her, as the author has given us absolutely no background information about this ability. If it is somehow shameful, why does Harry Stu even bring it up? He could have told her something like “I turn into a groundhog” and let the professor believe he was just an Animagus.

Harry shrugged. “You do not have to. I trust you to keep it a secret besides such oaths are pretty dangerous especially if one does not make certain loopholes in it.

A loophole like “If I ever reveal how big of an asshat Harry Stu really is, I will be tickled mercilessly by Thai lady-boys until I lose continence,” that sort of thing?

After all I do not wish you to be killed because you could not reveal my secrets.

By that point she might consider it a mercy.

 Besides no one will be able to find me once I am gone unless I want to be found.

:headdesk:

Yes, we know – you’ve covered that part already.

Are we ever going to get to the part of the fic where something actually happens? So far we’ve been to an abandoned warehouse, got dressed, went to the bank, and now this endless conference. I want some damned action!

But if you want to swear an oath then who am I to stop you?”

Since you are the one she is offering to swear the damned oath to, that would make you the only person able to prevent her from doing so. It’s not like she’s going to make a solemn promise to her teacup to keep your so-called secrets.

“You are the only one who can kick me out of Hogwarts and you can completely ruin my life with those six lordships of yours” She deadpanned.

This is partially right; Harry Stu is basically the school’s landlord so he could evict them, but since his lordships seem to be only token titles I don’t think she has much to fear from him on that front.

Harry smirked and shrugged. “I will not do that unless you decide to blab about what I told you today to the ministry”

The only thing even close to a secret is his status as an Animagus, which he could clear up by registering with the frickin’ Ministry. It’s even possible that he has already done this, as earlier in this same conversation McGonagall mentioned that Harry Stu was exchanging paperwork with the Ministry. (Only he isn’t even a real Animagus, he’s a Mighty Animorphin Power Wizard or whatever it’s called now.) If he hasn’t registered yet and she took him to the authorities, it would be her word against his since he has not physically changed forms in front of her or anyone else. (Except Zombie Dobby, but house elves can’t testify in court.)

He tilted his head and shrugged. “Not that Shackelbolt will give a damn about what I do.

I hate to break it to you, Harry Stu, but no one gives a damn what you do.

I saved the whole damned world by killing The Dark Lord and his minions.

So all those other characters who also fought the Death Eaters, what were they doing – macramé? Get over yourself.

The public would support me no matter what I do as long as I do not kill everyone that is.

“At least I didn’t kill everybody!” – There’s a phrase that will inspire love and admiration in the general populace. In fact, I think that was General Grant’s campaign slogan when he ran for President.

I thought Harry Stu didn’t want to attract attention to himself? That’s what “the public” is, massive gobs of attention whether he wants it or not. The canon character had to deal with it constantly and loathed it, but somehow I don’t think Lord Leatherpants feels the same way.  It is true that the canon Harry was partially responsible for the death of Voldemort and probably recieved quite a lot of praise for this, but “the public” is a fickle thing. He could go from a saint to a demon in an instant, something the canon Harry is all too familiar with.

 So all in all there is nothing that can stop me from doing whatever the hell I want. Not even death”

Someone just cranked their asshat knob up to eleven.

Minerva frowned as she thought about what the latter meant.

“The latter”? What are you … Oh, hell. It’s the Deathly Hallows again, isn’t it? Dammit!

Then a look of realization crossed her face. “The cloak you inherited of your father, the stone you got from Dumbledore and the wand you won by disarming Draco Malfoy…”She gave him a shocked look. “They were the three Deathly Hallows where they not?”

:headdesk:

Okay, I’ll give her the cloak – it’s possible but unlikely she knew about that. It’s remotely possible that McGonagall knew about the Resurrection Stone, but only if Dumbledore told her that he was placing it inside the Golden Snitch that he bequeathed to Harry. I have to call complete bullshit on the wand though. McGonagall would have had to know that Dumbledore’s wand was the Elder Wand, that Draco disarmed Dumbledore before he died, and that Harry subsequently disarmed Draco and caused the wand’s loyalty to switch over to him. Even the audience, who witnessed all of this, were unaware of the significance of these events until it was explained in Deathly Hallows.

Harry nodded and gave her a sad look.

He certainly isn’t going to use it so someone should.

 “That is another reason why I am leaving.

You’re what? You were just discussing your class schedule with McGonagall! You signed up for more classes and asked for a Time Turner, remember? What’s all this “I’m leaving” shit all of a sudden?

If one posses all three Hallows then one becomes the Master of Death.

:headdesk:

Just when you didn’t think it was possible for Harry Stu to become any more of a Stu, he is now the Master of Death.

This is actually somewhat in-canon; it is said that the possessor of all three Hallows will become the “Master of Death” and Harry is one of only a few characters to have done so, but it’s not really clear what that entails. It could either mean that he would become immortal or that he no longer fears death and accepts it as an inevitable part of life. (Spoiler alert – it’s the second one.)

But one can not become the Master of Death if one is mortal.

So only an immortal person can collect all of the Deathy Hallows and become a Master of Death? That would disqualify … well, everyone. It’s a catch-22; if you can’t be a Master of Death unless you have already mastered death, then you would first have to become a Master of Death in order to master death which you couldn’t do unless you already a Master of Death and now my head hurts.

After all Death himself will never die therefore his master can not die either. That is the prize for being the Master of Death”

It looks as if the author has chosen a rather odd interpretation of the phrase “Master of Death.” Instead of  mastering death as the canon character did, Harry Stu seems be implying that he is both immortal and has made the physical embodiment of Death his bitch.

There’s an image that will haunt me. Unless …

:stabs self in arm with tranquilizer dart:

Ahh, sweet indifference! I’m not even going to question the fact that glowing caterpillars have started crawling out of my keyboard. They’re so cute and fuzzy!

The woman sighed sadly and got up from her seat. She walked around her desk and pulled him up from his seat. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close to her body.

Bad touch! Bad touch! Step away from the teenager!

The green eyed teen stiffened

GAHHH! I need Brain Bleach STAT!

but then allowed himself to relax in her embrace.

Don’t fall for it, you idiot! Run away, Harry Stu! Use your comically over-endowed magical powers to get away from the creepy old lady!

 A few minutes later she let him go and took a step back. “Well we better spend as much time together as we can then. I will excuse you from all classes so you can do what you want. And from now on you will sit on my left at the Professors table”

Sweet Jeebus, does this mean they are going steady now? :hurk!:

I’m gonna need more HurfCo bags, Lyle.

On a less squicky note, the entire purpose for this meeting has been negated and we haven’t even gotten to the end of the chapter yet. In fact, what McGonagall is now offering to do is the exact opposite of what Harry Stu was asking for in the beginning. There is absolutely no reason for this heel-turn and no reasonable explanation is given. (I do not consider “being Master of Death” a reasonable explanation.) Going from “Must take all the classes!” to “No classes for you!” in the course of a single conversation is just … Just …

I can’t even describe how phenomenally terrible and lazy this is. I know today’s youth is all about being stylishly apathetic, but c’mon!

She gave him a stern look. “Lord or not you will not worm your way out of this one Harry” The teen chuckled and gave her his arm. “I will behave Minerva” She nodded, took his arm and then squeaked as he apparated the two of them straight to the great hall.

:THWACK!:

Stop that right now – you’re creeping me out!

:rubs forehead:

This whole section has done nothing but give me a headache. At least it can’t get any worse, right? RIGHT?!?

:reads ahead:

That … That can’t be. No one would be that cruel.

:reads again:

This section of the chapter has absolutely no bearing on the rest of the fic? I had to read this brain-melting glop for nothing?!?

:whimpers:

I’m going to go weep uncontrolably and rock back and forth for a while, I’ll see y’all next time when we finally finish this monster.


9 Comments on “227: Animagus Predator – Chapter Three, Part Three”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Wow, Harry Stu managed to take the entire conversation and negate it in one go. That requires props. *claps hands*

    Crazy, crazy times are had for that.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this.

    :gives pixelated sword to Harry Stu:

    Ghostie, you are my hero for making that reference.

  3. Mr. Rofapofagus says:

    Hooray for futility, AKA my least favorite thing a fic can do!

    Seriously though, where’s the Predators? Some skinning and decapitation would be about welcome, especially if it’s Harry Stu McAsshat.

  4. Addicted Reader says:

    iSix Lord ships.

    To the boats!

  5. […] extreme was back in The Animagus Predator when Harry Stu went from being a bored student to the Master of Death with his own […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.