153: love – One ShotPosted: January 31, 2012
Topic: Beauty and the Beast
Critiqued by Addicted Reader
Welcome back, dear readers. This week we will continue our foray into Disney fanfiction with a short story that is inexplicably in the “Beauty and the Beast” section. I suppose it has more to do with that than with any other Disney movie, but that’s not really saying much.
As usual, let’s start with the summary:
A love that should never love
And … that’s it. The title of the fic repeated twice and no period. I’m having fun* already.
*And by ‘fun,’ I probably mean ‘frustration.’
Well, on the upside, the author skips the usual formulaic (stupid) disclaimer. On the downside, that was the only upside. It’s all downhill from here.
She sat there waiting for him for more than 300 years. She waited and waited for him but he never came. Now she was sad that he never came so she left.
Who is she? Belle? Mrs. Potts? Mrs. Whatsit?
And I wish I could say that this is as bad as it gets. How I wish …
He came and waited and waited. But she never came. He looks up to the sky and cry out her name. he stood up but was stop by a low soft voice. He turns to see the girl in his dream but as he called out her name again she vanish into thin air.
See what I mean? We have changing tense, lack of tense, and lack of sense (and a missed capitalization).
500 years later she came back and waited. Many men came to asked her for her hand in marred but she told them she is waiting for someone. She heard a voice in the distant she looks up to see a man sating under a tree.
Oh boy. Now the real fun* begins:
“her hand in marred” = She’s damaged goods but they’ll take her anyway?
“a voice in the distant” – The distant what?????
“a man sating under a tree” – He probably shouldn’t be doing that in public.
A boy sat under a tree looking up to the sky and began to sing with all his heart. He saw a young girl walking to him and he look at her. Tears began to run down his face for no reason. He stood up and ran to the girl but when he got closer he saw that the girl had vanished in the air. He cries out for her.
Oh, the tenses! The poor abused tenses! I think it’s time we take up a collection to rescue them. The hat will be coming around. Please give generously.
300 year passed and she waited. People look at her as she began to sing. A boy walk up to her and she look up to him. He was the man of her dream. He softly smile at her and said
The man of only one dream. I guess that makes it easier for him, less to live up to. And no, I didn’t add an extra line break here. The author seems to think that all dialogue must start on its own line.
“I finally found you”
Aww, a happy ending.
She softly smile back at him and said
See what I mean?
“you finally came”
Maybe it’s supposed to make up for the lack of capitalization.
He smile when he saw that she still look the same as she used too. He sat behind her and said softly into her ear
Why did he sit behind her? That’s really weird.
“I came back to finish a unfinished promised.”
Oooh, that one was so close to being correct!
She let a single tear dropped as he stab her from behind. He smile as he watch her slowly die. She looked up to him smiling and said
I knew the sitting behind couldn’t be anything good.
“I love you and I waited 1,100 years for you”
The author may fail at English, but at least the math is good.
Tears began to fall from the man eyes he slowly wrap his arm around her and said though cry
Are the “man” and the “boy” the same character? I’m getting really confused* here.
Also, “said through cry” sounds extremely difficult. And wasn’t he just smiling as she died? Talk about a mood swing.
*Y’know, more so than I already was.
“I loved you too but you and i can never love each other” he said as more tears began to fall.
So much for that happy ending. (I dare you not to start singing. (Sorry.))
She slowly close her eyes and said the last few words
She sure is dying slowly.
“BEAST I love you for who you are im sorry I wasn`t the girl you wish to have” with that she finally went to sleep.
So that’s the connection to the movie. It all makes sense now, right?
I thought not.
And look! Dialogue and action on the same line! Never mind the lack of punctuation.
Beast looks at the girl of his dream as she sleeps. He closed eyes and said
Hold on, hold on. Is she dead or sleeping? It can’t be both.
“Beauty I loved you but we can`t be together because you were never supposed to be born in this world. You were never supposed
to live. You were supposed to be dead”
And now an extra line break in the middle of a line of dialogue, just in case we didn’t have enough already. Thanks, author.
He pulls her body closer to his but her body began to break down and turn to ashes. He looks up when to wind came and blow the ashes away. The beast cry out to the sky calling her name to come back but she never came back. He waited and waited for millions and millions of years but she never came back. Beast began to turns into a statue.
The tragedy of this scene is entirely ruined for me by the lack of grammar. I’m too busy mourning the writing to feel anything for the characters.
Many years later a girl came a pond the statue and softly and quietly said
“came a pond the statue” = poured a big bucket of water over it.
Now I just can’t get the water out of my mental image. Why is the statue in the middle of a lake???
“Beast I came back just as I promised”
“She” certainly said a lot as she died, but she never said anything about coming back.
She smile and climb between his arms as if they were wrap around her. She sat in his lap and began to cry softly to herself as she was drift into sleep.
I give up.
::looks further down page::
Ok, ok, I’ll finish it, but I want it on record that this is the point where this story got the better of me. I can’t be responsible for my responses from here on out.
The girl, Amy, look up at the beast as the arms around her tighten her to the beast chest. She let a single tear drop before she fall
into eternal sleep.
OMG A NAME!!!!!!!!!! I’m so excited, I’m not even noticing the tense abuse. And the lack of the possessive. And the extra line break.
Ok, maybe I noticed a little. But look, the author gave a character a name!
Years later a boy, Ray, came by after running away from the cops. He looks at the girl as she sleeps. Tears came falling as he saw who the girl was. He falls to his knees and began to cry really hard.
Wait, cops? Well, hello, left field. What is going on here?
“Why didn`t I came faster? Why did you have to leave? WHY! Didn`t you said you`ll wait for me WHY! WHY! WHY!”
Why is this story so bad? Why can’t the author stick to a single tense? Didn’t the author ever read anything but fanfiction? WHY! WHY! WHY!
He look up at the girl one last time before kissing her on the head. He walks away but turn to look back as he heard a voice.
If he can reach to kiss her on the head, why is he looking up at her? The physics here makes no sense. (Surprise!)
A goddess stood by the beast statue she slowly turn her head to him then said
Good thing she turned her head slowly. Otherwise she might have risked getting a crick in it.
“she isn`t supposed to be alive”
So why is she?
With that the goddess vanished. The boy smile as he thought how he was going to make sure she never came back not matter what.
So does he want her alive or dead? Is he upset that he missed his chance to kill her again? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?????
Sorry for the shouting. I told you I couldn’t be responsible.
-A love that should never love. A girl who was not supposed to be alive. And a boy who was never supposed to love her. For he is her destroyer.
Is this supposed to be an explanation? A summary? A tagline for the movie poster?
~~~hope you like it~~~