152: Control – Chapter Five

Title: Control
Author: Jckash03
Media: Television / Movie
Topic: Dragon Ball Z
Genre: Suspense / Romance
URL: Control – Chapter Five
Critiqued by Lyle
Submitted by Blessed8be

Good morning, everyone.  I’ve decided to trudge onward and riff chapter five of the Thesaurus Nightmare that is “Control.”  To recap what we’ve learned so far:

The author, Jackass the 3rd, has no idea what she’s doing and hasn’t seen this show before.  She’s aged one character 10 years older than canon, created a lot of OOC behavior, and failed to make Vegeta attempt to kill Goku.  Pan, the grand-daughter of Goku, has vanished and hasn’t been heard of in around seven years, even though the author is sure nine years have passed.  Jackass the 3rd is bad at math and has an over-active thesaurus.

In the last chapter, we learned that Gohan has been cheating on an alcoholic Videl, someone somewhere is getting raped by someone else, and Goku is forever banned from Capsule Corp due to his curiosity in Bra’s unicorn bedsheets.  Then the shark was jumped as a tornado touched down outside Goku’s house, pulling Vetega’s daughter Dorothy Bra into it.  With all that excitement, I can barely wait to dive into chapter five and see what else Jackass the 3rd pulls out of her ass.

Chapter Five – Redundance

*VRRRRBBBBBB!*

I put my cellphone on vibrate today.  The DRD is calling preemptively due to the title of today’s chapter (even though “redundance” isn’t actually a word).  I’m kind of hoping they’ll give up soon; we are never going to answer their calls.

There is no author’s note before the story begins so let’s just read the first sentence, shall we?

Her eyes slowly opened to the sight of her ceiling, its chunky pattern shaded and and shadowed.

*blink blink*

*glances at the chapter title, then at that sentence*

Bwahahaha!  Wow, this author wasn’t lying when she said the chapter was about redundancy.  Now that’s truth in advertising!

Anyway, it turns out our awakening person is Bra.  She touches her face and realizes it hurts.  This causes her to flash back to the tornado incident briefly. Then she sees her mother sitting in her room.

“You alright?”

Bra just nodded, not sure how many days she had been in that state.

“You slept straight for four days,” Her mother answered as if on cue, “Some of us were starting to wonder if it was sleep or not.”

Your daughter was picked up by a flippin’ tornado and your first thought was, “Let’s just bring her home, put her to bed, and see if she wakes up soon.”  God, these people suck at being parents!  It’s bad enough Bra has exhibited obvious signs of mental trauma without anyone noticing (besides Trunks, who does nothing about it) but they don’t think to take her to the doctor after she takes a ride on a twister?!  I understand that Bra is half Saiyan and Saiyans are an extremely durable race, but she was injured enough to knock her out for four days.  That deserves some looking into, at the very least.  Stupid people.

Moving right along, Bulma informs Bra that Videl brought the girl home after an unspecified accident occurred.  Naturally, we know there was a tornado.  I would assume that the members of Goku’s household would also see that there was a tornado.  They aren’t that hard to miss.  Yet, no one has told Bulma what happened to her daughter.  This further cements in my mind that Bra’s family doesn’t care about her since Bulma has done sod-all to investigate why her daughter looks like she’s been beaten up by a tornado.

Also…

“Videl said you had come over to visit, and then you went outiside during the storm.”

Videl wasn’t there.  I suppose she came over to visit, too?  I would assume she was still in a drunken stupor since it’s been made clear she’s an alcoholic.  The author actually has a decent explanation for why Videl was called in to help.  Vegeta would flip his shit if he found out Bra was visiting Goku’s house since they had their little tiff last chapter.

“Are you hungry?”

Bra shook her head, the thought of food making her stomach churn.

No.  She’s been unconscious for four days.  You don’t ask her if she’s hungry.  You force her to swallow a god-damned bowl of broth.  She hasn’t had any nourishment in her body for 96 hours.  Unless you’re priming her to be anorexic, you don’t causally accept the fact that she doesn’t feel like eating.  If she won’t eat, you put an IV in her arm (which should have been done if you took her to the fucking doctor after her tussle with the tornado) and you pump some electrolytes and protein in there.  She also hasn’t had anything to drink in that time.  If you were really a mother, Bulma, you’d have already shoved a glass of water at her at the very least.

Whew.

Bulma wrapped her arms around her, catching Bra by surprise.

Because hugs are surprising after you’ve nearly died.

“I thought I had lost you. I never want to, Bra, ever.”

Bra knew why she was saying this. She was around the age Pan was when she had left.

No, she’s saying that because she’s your mother and she loves you.  It has absolutely nothing to do with some other idiot’s actions three chapters ago.  There is just so little common sense going on here that my brain cells are shriveling as I read this piece of crap.

Her mother backed away slightly, looking down into Bra’s eyes as she swept away a stray bang of her daughter’s amethyst hair.

Again… here is a picture of Bra.

And here is some amethyst.

The author’s inability to get something as simple as Bra’s hair color correct really hints to me that she’s never seen the show.  How else would she not know the difference between turquoise and amethyst?  It just boggles the mind.  Those two colors are so drastically different.  You cannot mistake them if you’ve seen them together.

Like this picture of purple-haired Trunks with turquoise-haired Bra.  You can see the difference right there.  Not.  The.  Same.  Color.

Bulma reiterates how much she loves Bra then leaves the room, which is about the usual level of responsibility Bulma shows toward her daughter.  No worries that Bra just woke up from a near-coma.  Let’s just leave her alone.  Personally, I’d ask her what the fuck happened to her, but then I’m a responsible parent.  I’m overqualified to be a character in this story.

Hey, look!  An <hr> tag!

We get a non-attributed block of dialogue!  Merry Christmas!

“No, I do not want it to be a ki-detector because not everyone in the world has it. And some who have it may be concealing it. So it would be a waste of time and energy to add it onto the , I want profiles, and images for every profile onto the database-…No, this is everyone in the world we are talking. You, me, everyone. Do you know how many kidnappings, missing persons files, and murders we can prevent and possibly solve with this thing?”

Given that I’m smarter than the average reader of this fic, I can tell you that it’s Trunks talking about his super secret flying automated toast butterer invention I mentioned a few chapters ago.  Or, well, whatever the hell he’s making since the author has failed to put an actual name to it.  Even in that block of dialogue, she forgets to say what it is, exactly.  “…energy to add it onto the , I…” is not a typo on my part.  That’s actually what she wrote.

A soft rap on the door prevented Trunks from hearing the person’s answer as he looked at the door before returning to the phone,”Alright. I mailed you the blueprint and the advertising for it. Yes, it is your job and your problem. Solve it and call me back,” And with that, he gave the phone to the bot, who zoomed back to its quarters.

Trunks’ phone must suck for a quiet knock to prevent him from hearing whoever he’s talking to.  Also, it’s your design, therefore it is your problem.  Don’t be Douchey McDickpants, Trunks, or I’ll have to set Harry on you.

The door opened and in came a blonde with a clipboard. Trunks couldn’t make out her face much because of her sunglasses, but he noticed plenty of other things.

I wear my sunglasses inside, so I can, so I can, prevent you from seeing who I am!

So, who do we have here, anyway?  Trunks is curious, too.

“Yes…?”

“…Hello. I am . I am here to apply for a job.”

Trunks chuckled,”That would be downstairs in the Main Lo-”

“No. I specifically wanted to request a job from you.”

Trunks’ eyebrows pushed down slightly,”Um. You know, I would love to, but I am fairly busy with our new project and-”

“You have until he calls you back. Which I am sure is sufficient time. You won’t regret it, …”

Jackass the 3rd has never applied for a job before in her life.  Ever.  Ever, ever, ever.  This is so utterly not how this works that I’m lost for words.  You don’t just walk into the office of the CEO of the biggest company on the planet and tell them you’re going to interview right then and there for a job.

…Well, you do if you’re about to star in a porno but I get the feeling this is not what Jackass the 3rd is going for here.  At least, I really hope it isn’t.

*crosses fingers*  Please don’t be a porno, please don’t be a porno, for the love of God…

He sat back, giving her an intrigued look,”Alright. You have my attention. But first, I would like to know exactly why you needed to get it from me personally.”

“I would like to request a high position job, which I am sure is taken.”

“Oh? And what job is this…?”

“Your secretary,” The blonde answered firmly, her dark red lips curving slightly.

Trunks laughed in surprise,”Well, well, well. That isn’t a position, , that is a privilege.”

Oh, God… oh, God… this is a porno, isn’t it?  This sounds just like the start of something really dirty.  Where’s my bleach?  I need to start boiling it if I’m going to burn out my retinas after reading this.

She shrugged,”Whatever you want to call it, I want it. Now what do I have to do to fill the requirements?”

“, I don’t even have a secretary. I’m the President, I don’t handle everything but I dictate them, which means I don’t need extra help.”

Why, hello there, little lost comma!  C’mere… I’ll protect you.  Just get away from that horrible sentence.  There’s a good little comma.  I think I’ll name you Quentin.  You can live in my sock drawer!

What sort of corporation president doesn’t have at least one secretary?  I guess that would explain how Mystery Blonde Woman (who is obviously Marron using the Clark Kent method of disguise… I’m not an idiot, Author) got into his office in the first place.  A good secretary would have stopped her and sent her on her way before she even made it past the obligatory fake ficus in the lobby.

She leaned forward, the exception not phasing her,”I will be highly beneficial to your job, . Yes, you are the big President, but you have to admit that you are not the most organized in the field. I can change that. So many important meetings these days and then interviews these days…You are in the spinning world of business that will scoop you up and throw you back down into the ground if you are not careful and neat.”

Oh, look!  Another cute little lost comma.  Here, boy!  Here!  Now I have two!  They can be best friends.  I shall name you… Oliver!

Actually, Trunks is the most organized in the field for one simple reason:  He’s the only one in the field.  Capsule Corp is a global monopoly.  Everything in their world that’s technological has come out of Capsule Corp.  Again: Author is doing nothing to prove she’s seen the show.

Also, what “exception?”  He made no exceptions.  He made an objection, however.  I wonder if that’s the word the author is thinking of?  It’s not her most amusing word-confusion instance, but still smirk-worthy none-the-less.

I wonder if Jackass the 3rd has a tornado fetish.  “The spinning world of business that will scoop you up and throw you back down…” sounds an awful lot like what happened at the end of the last chapter with Bra.  I bet our author was watching “The Wizard of OZ” when she wrote this chapter.

Anyway, Trunks considers her request and thinks she may have a point.  Plus:

That, and her alluring features magnetized his appeal to her.

The alluring features that are hidden behind the sunglasses that are preventing you from seeing the majority of her face?  *skeptical expression*  Jackass probably forgot she put sunglasses on the Mystery Blonde Woman.

Her head tilted slightly,”Then I’ll just have to let the whole world know why you are creating this. That, in fact, this noble act of ingenuity if really a big, fat, paycheck in exchange of selfish intentions…”

Because the world will be upset to know he’s creating a Lost Person Database in order to find a family friend / girlfriend that has vanished without a trace?  That’s extremely flawed logic.  How dare he try to locate a loved one?!  How selfish of him!  Let’s all revolt!  Rar!

Dipshit.

Anyway, the section ends on a “cliff hanger” in which the Mystery Blonde Woman *cough Marron cough… I know I’m not the only one smart enough to know that* utters Pan’s name to make her point.  Ooo, the suspense.  *sigh*

We’re treated to another <hr> tag, which is the only redeeming feature of this entire story.  At least I’m not being bombarded by horrible squished kirby faces in order to indicate a scene change.

Hey, we’re halfway through this chapter!  *throws some glitter in the author’s eyes*  Yay!

One <hr> tag later and we’re back at the living area of Capsule Corp.  Bulma is visiting her previously comatose daughter while Bra is looking through her closet and there is no explanation why she’s out of bed after her traumatic tornado ride.  Bulma tells Bra it’s dinner time.

A few seconds passed and then those cerulean eyes drifted to Bulma’s in a sidegaze and Bra kicked her lips up in the slightest,”Okay, Mom.”

Gah, really?  Again with the “sidegaze” and “kicked?”  *grabs her bat*  Where’s that dead horse…

“Sidegaze” is not a word and “kicked” is not a facial expression!  Why hasn’t anyone told this to the author before?  Despite her inability to write something that hasn’t originated in her lower intestine, this author has at least an iota of intelligence (despite horrible plot and misuse of a thesaurus, this is not the most mechanically improper piece of crap I’ve dealt with) and I would think perhaps if Jackass the 3rd would listen to constructive critisms, she might actually learn something.  Of course, previous attempts to help have yielded “Bat-shit-crazy” results, sooo… maybe not.

So Bra joins the dinner table and Bulma notices that Trunks is acting oddly.  She asks him if everything is okay.

He just nodded, playing with his food. Bra felt a strange sense of familiarity when she looked at him, identifying the same evasive response.

Naturally, since this family doesn’t give a rip about how each other is actually doing, despite Bra recognizing the withdrawn behavior, no one presses the issue.  Things get quiet as everyone eats, then Vegeta speaks up.

“Did you have a dreamless sleep, Bra?”

Her head snapped up slightly at the sound of her name and surprise filled her eyes,”Um…Yeah.”

He just looked at her, as if trying to give some sort of message that he didn’t want to say aloud. Little did he know that she knew every word of it. Not only the words, but the feeling that he had. The understanding that he had the instinct to protect her and carry concern for her when something as brutal as the current event happens. She returned his gaze with that of pride and nodded.

I’m always surprised when people ask me how I slept.  It’s so shocking that there are people who want to make sure I’m doing all right.  Perhaps Bra is just surprised at how oddly Vegeta phrased that question.  Typically, that question is phrased more like thus:

Dad: “Hey, did you sleep okay?”

Daughter: “Yeah.”

Dad: “Any weird dreams?”

Daughter: “Nope.”

Dad: “Okay.  Pass the potatoes.”

Also, it appears as though Bra has gained the superpower of mind-reading after her sojourn up a tornado.  She’s able to read Vegeta’s exact words without him ever saying a damn thing.  That’s pretty spectacular, especially since a lot of people don’t think in fully comprehensive words.  At least, when I have strings of thoughts, if I’m not writing them down they’re more like vague ideas and images, with an occasional word for emphasis.  I may be weird, though.  Considering I purposefully read bad fanfiction as a hobby, the latter is entirely possible.

Another thing that occurs to me is that although Vegeta has this “instinct to protect her” he sure as hell has been doing a piss-poor job of it.  But then, she is a teenager and the tornado is pretty much her own fault.

Anyway, Bulma continues the thread of conversation by asking Bra if she’s been having nightmares in a really odd way:

“Well, good. There were no intruders then, Bra?” Bulma asked.

Bra’s face grew pale as she asked,”Huh…?”

“Intruders. You know, the boogeyman or ghosts, for instance. Or maybe even harmless Saiyajin family friends who do nothing except good and STILL manage to earn your father’s contempt and jealousy, as well as a restriction from ever visiting MY house again.”

Intruder alert, intruder alert!  Danger, danger!  A wooo-ga a woooo-ga!

Normal people don’t talk like that.  It’s frustrating how unnatural Jackass the 3rd writes dialogue.

Also, no wonder their kids have issues.  It’s enough to know you’re the offspring of two different species (think of the ligers!) but to have to listen to your parents take jabs at each other over the dinner table?  That’s not a very healthy environment to grow up in.

The argument continues:

Vegeta growled as his eyes focused on the tabletop.

“Don’t give me that. That was the most ridiculous reason to kick someone out. Extremely ludicrous. GOKU, of all people to accuse that of-”

“I know someone’s intentions when I see them, Bulma. You weren’t even there. Hell, you are never here. You have no place to call this your home when you hardly occupy it. At least I know enough to protect it,” Vegeta retorted, glaring at her.

And yet every time we see Bulma, she’s been at Capsule Corp.  If the author is going to have her characters accuse each other of something, such as not being somewhere, it’s a good idea to not have that character at that location every flippin’ time we see her.  Vegeta is basically contradicting our image of Bulma’s whereabouts.

“Yes, Vegeta. Someone…Someone is NOT Goku. Especially when concerning such an immoral crime like that. To have that even enter your mind baffles me Vegeta.”

Immoral crime like what?  It sounds to me like they’re continuing a conversation they previously stopped.  Since we weren’t privy to that conversation, a little background information would be nice here, Jackass.

“Oh, so you’re saying that it is I with the mentality to fit the accusation-”

“Absolutely not. This isn’t about you, this is about your ego getting in the way of everything.”

Yay! More contradictions!  If this is about his ego, then it is about him.  And way to over-generalize there, Bulma.  “Everything?”  Really?  What else has this honkin’ ego gotten in the way of?  Examples would be helpful.  Naturally, we don’t get any.

“Getting in the way of what! A potential MOLESTATION of our daughter-“

Bra wasn’t in the room when Goku was examining her bedsheets.  What does Vegeta think was going to happen?  Goku was going to hide in her closet for an unknown amount of time to await her eventual return?  I was under the impression that the day was just starting when that particular turd hit the ceiling fan.  Bra probably wasn’t going back into her room anytime soon.  Plus, Goku knew that Vegeta would be ready to go as soon as his battle armor was on so there would be no reason to think that would be a good time to attempt to do something squicky in Bra’s bedroom.  The logic, it is flawed.

At least Trunks puts a stop to it before any more over-reaction could take place.

“ENOUGH.”

Silence filled the room as Trunks’ chest heaved up and down, his eyes full of intolerance and rage,”That topic doesn’t need to reach her ears, especially when it hasn’t happened, NOR WAS IT going to happen, father. Either the rest of dinner is in silence or I bring my food to my lab. I will not endure this incessant arguing anymore. Wanna talk about ridiculous…”

*headdesk*

I know I assigned a bunch of homework last week but I have another assignment for you all.  Get out your pencils and write this one down.  Go home and visit your parents (if you’re not living at home with them right now) and then yell at them.  See what happens and report back to me next week.  I’m guessing it won’t end very well.

Now imagine your father is a formerly blood-thirsty mass-murderer with the strength of at least 10 men and a temper to match.  Not only is what Trunks has done incredibly stupid, but it’s also slightly suicidal.  I understand there are times people are fighting around me and I’d really wish I could tell them to STFU, but when it isn’t my argument, it’s not my place to intervene.  Only if things come to physical blows would it be appropriate for me to butt in.

Also… after using all those big words, Trunks really drops a “wanna” into the dialogue?  *shakes head* Blarglefargin.

No one said a word as Trunks sat down. Bulma looked down at her plate, and Vegeta walked out. Bra wasn’t sure what to think, or if she was involved or not. Nonetheless, she decided she was finished as well, and she walked to her room, thoughts of intruders and molestation filling her train of torturous thought.

Oh, he stood up?  That would have been good to know when it actually happened.  I assumed this was happening from his chair.  Silly me.  Why ever did I not know he stood?

I find it incredibly hard to believe Vegeta would merely walk out after being scolded by his son.  That’s completely out of character for him.  If this had happened in canon, Trunks would be sprawled out three rooms away right now while Bulma checked drywall prices and ordered a repairman.

Then there’s Bra’s “involvement” in this, or lack thereof.  Of course she’s involved, you nitwit of an authoress!  The topic of the argument was directly related her well-being, even though no one decided to acknowledge her existence once the disagreement started.  She decides she’s done eating and leaves the table, too, ending the scene.

The next section is nice and short.  We’re back at Videl and Gohan’s house.  Goody.

A smile appeared at the lips of Videl Son as she pushed back the drapes of the lilac window in their bedroom.

Their window is purple?  I suppose you could put tinted glass in your windows but unless you’re a big fan of stained glass, I don’t see the point in making your window one solid color.  They must hate natural light.

Things can lightened up since the heated reconciliation of her and her husband.

I’d rather can cleaned my kitchen than go any further in this fic, but after taking down five chapters, I can committed to the cause.

Proofread!  This is why we have AR; she helps keep us from looking incompetent.  [I do what I can, but I’m not touching that last sentence.  ; )  – AR]

Although there was an accident with Bra that might’ve triggered a violent and destructive reaction from Vegeta, things ended up pretty smoothly. Yes, for once, everything was okay.

And why the hell hasn’t Vegeta gone into a destructive rage yet?!  Someone give him something to break, already!  The poor man is either going through Breaking-Stuff withdrawals, or he has one hell of an anger management coach.  If it’s the latter, maybe we could hire him or her for the Library…

Moving on.

It may have been denial, it may have been evasion, but Videl simply didn’t torture herself with the memory of her daughter anymore. It just didn’t come up. She didn’t want to spoil what she had just obtained. Pointless.

It’s called “Avoidance.”  You don’t want to deal with it anymore, so you don’t.  You’ve pushed the memory away for now.  If the author actually knew what she was talking about, Videl would be experiencing flashbacks, however, that would cause her to spiral downwards like one of those maple-seeds that does the helicopter thingy.  However, since the author writes from her bottom and not her brain, I don’t think we’ll be witnessing any PTSD symptoms from Videl any time soon.

Anyway, Videl looks outside and decides to start a garden.  Then she thinks that maybe she’ll get a puppy.  That train of thought brings her to Buu, and then to her father.

It was then that she realized how many years it had been since she had talken to her father and Buu.

Wow, some daughter you are.  It’s not like you and Daddy-Dearest had a fight.  Maybe he got tired of trying to console you and you shoved him away when you took to the bottle?  Plausible, so I’ll give that a pass.

The hot summer sun shone down on her as she stepped outside. She took in a breath and memories invaded but she wouldn’t let them. She was stronger than she was stronger than she was before the tragedy that shook her out of her shell.

I think the record skipped a bit there skipped a bit there.  Again, this is where proofreading before you post is a good idea.  A word missed here or there is forgivable – your own eyes will pass over your mistakes more easily than they will someone elses – but to not realize you typed the same four-word phrase in the same sentence?  That would have been caught if she’d actually looked over her work.

Little did she know that her new one would soon break as well.

Dun dun dun!  *sigh*  How much more do I have?  *checks page*  Fuck.

Another <hr> tag and we’ve changed scenes again.

“Gee, thanks for telling me sooner, like how about thirteen YEARS sooner…Okay, so that’s the tetnis and the physical examination. Sure…What!”

Uh, where are we now?  What’s going on?  Who’s talking?  This, children, is what happens when you don’t use attribution when someone talks.

The light blue eyes of the scientist went wide as she gasped with shock. Moments later, she hung up the phone, rolling her eyes at the mental case they called the education board. She wasn’t sure how Bra would react to shots and needles, since it had been a while since she’d had them, but hopefully it would be smoother than Goku’s. A smile crept onto her lips at the memory of Goku’s phobia to needles and hospitals. She let out a reminescent sigh and continued typing.

So… is was Bulma talking?  We still don’t know for certain since attribution is a foreign concept to Jackass.

Also, who was she talking to?  Is this something that Bra needs to get into her new school?  If so, why would it be information Bulma needed thirteen years ago?  The decision to put her in the private school was made, what, a month ago?  My concept of “when” for this story is really messed up since the author only uses vague ideas like “It’s summer” or “school is somewhat close to being done.”  I honestly have no idea how much time has passed.

Plus, you need vaccines to be in public school, too.  So for Bra to not have had any vaccines in thirteen years is extremely far-fetched.  I’m not getting into a discussion on how irresponsible I think it is for people to not vaccinate their children, so let’s just move on and see what else is going to happen.

There were unpleasantly dissatisfied faces at the dinner table when Bulma sat down, facefaulted.

Wha?  Maybe when I’m done with this garbage I’ll compile a list of words that aren’t real and then send it to the author.

Also, I’ve never seen a pleasantly dissatisfied face before.  Typically, dissatisfied means “not happy.”  Adding the “unpleasently” in there is redund-

*BRRRING RING A LINGA LING!*

Erm… Let’s just move on, shall we?

Apparently, dinner time is the best time for everyone to be unhappy in the Capsule Corp family because there’s a pointless bashing of the fact that it’s “leftover night” and Bra leaves the table before eating anything because I think she’s anorexic.  We never actually see her eat anything, do we?  She usually leaves the table before dinner has ended.  Once she’s gone, Bulma mentions to the others that she’s worried about Bra getting into the girls school.  Which is ridiculous since she’s already gotten in, but anyway…

“She’s not going to like what she has to do to get into the girls’ school…,” Bulma said, catching the men’s attention, their eyes full of question.

“Which is…” Trunks waited.

“She needs shots, which I doubt she’ll have trouble with. But she also needs a physical examination.”

It’s not her fault you’ve neglected your parenting duties and haven’t gotten her annual exams and vaccinations.  It’s great that she’s been completely healthy since she was two.  Not a single issue that needed a doctor’s care.  No mental trauma, no dancing with a tornado… nope, perfectly fine.  *fingers Harry*  Bra’s parents are horrible at their jobs.

“And that includes certain areas that I DO think she will have trouble with, but it’s required because of what she was caught doing.”

“What? She was never caught doing something that would contract-”

“Yes, we know that. That’s just how the school board is, though.”

*SMACK!*

Firstly, we’ve never been told exactly what she was caught doing since the author is too squeamish to put a name to it.

Secondly, your personal medical files are just that: personal medical files.  The only things schools care about is that you’re not a walking plague zombie that will infect their population.  If your daughter has contracted a VD, it’s none of their business.  Now, if she has something that can spread by merely touching a fellow student, then the school board needs to know about it.  Giving a couple boys a BJ behind the basketball court would not be cause for a school board to demand medical papers.

*SMACK!*

There’s making shit up, and then there’s making it up badly.

Bulma gave him a bewildered look,”That’s not a place where someone would be comfortable being examined in, I mean, come on Trunks. She’s already distant enough, and she just was bothered in that area at school, and now a professional is going to be in there and…it’s just not right.”

Taco, avert your eyes.  Your sister is about to talk about hoo-has.

I’ll admit, yearly “lookie-loo” examinations do carry a certain discomfort (cold speculum, for example) but they are a necessary part of a woman’s health.  Typically, unless sexually active, it’s not recommended to get them until you’re about 18 and considered an adult.  Given Bra’s undisclosed “immoral conduct” it wouldn’t be deemed that inappropriate for someone to take a peek up the vajaja, but saying she shouldn’t be “comfortable” with the idea is stupid.  The idea that having a professional down there doing their job is being labeled as “not right” is so asinine that it defies a strong enough word of objection.  An OB/GYN is trained to look at she-clams all day.  It’s what they do.  Having them down there is about as “right” as possible, medically speaking.

This is yet another reason I think Jackass is younger than her profile claims she is.  Anyone over 18 should be aware of the importance of maintaining good vajy health.  A 14-year-old, though, would be terrified by that odd birdbeak contraption they’re going to use on the old down-under and write as if it’s some sort of crime to get a pap smear.  Heaven forbid if someone in this story needs to get a breast exam.

So anyway, Trunks leaves the table and it’s just the parents left.

“Is this professional a male or female…?” Vegeta inquired.

Bulma gave him a look,”It’s probably a male…Those are the only advanced gynecologists in the city.”

Why does she need an advanced gynecologist to do her pelvic exam?  All family practitioners are trained to do this.  A speculum isn’t exactly an advanced piece of technology.  It’s essentially a car-jack for your vajoo.  A normal, every-day doctor could use one without any difficulty.  Hell, you could just have a nurse practitioner do it, too.  Insert, open, done.

Okay, ladies, you can uncross your legs now.  I’m done with this topic.  Let’s move on.

The conversation ends and we get a new scene.  Two more short bits and we’re done for the day!

The fan spun and spun and spun and spun and her eyes were dazed as they struggled to keep up with the blade.

Exhausting, I’m sure.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a time when using the word “spun” four times in a sentence was a good idea.  A simple “spun rapidly” would have sufficed.

Anyway, so we’re back with Videl, who is utterly bored while waiting for Gohan to return home.  She falls asleep and has a number of vaguely described dreams of people’s faces and someone kissing her forehead.  Then there’s a knock on the door of whatever room she’s in and Gohan is there holding a telephone.  He looks upset and tells her it’s for her.

The words slowly crept into her head, shattering the rest of the sleep in her. Shattering everything in her. Shattering every piece that had just come back together so beautifully not days ago. She didn’t even hear it when she dropped the phone onto the wood florr of her and Gohan’s bedroom floor, nor did she feel the cold tear running down a pale cheek from eyes that once again died inside.

I think I’ll just turn the ringer off our phone before the DRD calls again.

That said, we don’t know what’s happened because the author attempts to end every section with a cliffhanger in a desperate ploy to get people to keep reading.  I’m guessing her dad’s died.  I wonder if we’ll ever actually find out since the author never explains anything.

A scene change brings us to the last section of this chapter.

We’re back to Capsule Corp (oh goody) and Trunks is having an emo morning full of grumpiness.  Bra is watching television.  Due to it being too loud, Trunks goes over to tell her to turn it down and sees a shocking headline.

Hercule Satan Brutally Killed In Strangling.

Firstly, did I call that or what?

Secondly HIS NAME IS NOT HERCULE SATAN YOU IMBECILIC SECOND GRADER!  As I’ve mentioned before, the name of Hercule was created to replace the name “Mr. Satan” in order to lower the show’s rating to “Kid Friendly” from “Teenager and above, please.”  Satan is not the family’s last name.  When the name Hercule exists, the name Satan does not.

Oh, look!  An author’s note!

ty for the reviews. If its stilll confusing…sorry.

but chyea im having fun with this

hope you are too.

I’m less confused and more agitatedly angry. And boy, if you only knew how much fun I’m having with this… one of these days, I really hope she clicks that link I anonymously sent her…

Okay, kids, that’s it from me for this week!  I hope you enjoyed the trip.  Don’t forget to go home and yell at your folks!


9 Comments on “152: Control – Chapter Five”

  1. TacoMagic says:

    Arrgghh! Why didn’t I avert my eyes?!

  2. Kate says:

    I’ve just given up on any form of comprehension in relation to this story.

    • "Lyle" says:

      I can’t get over how the author keeps apologizing for how confusing the story is. If she recognizes it’s confusing, it would make the most sense to add details to clarify things. Instead, she just goes “Derp derp, sowwy!” and plows ahead full steam. *facepalm*

  3. Addicted Reader says:

    I think those stray commas in the “secretary” scene are there to emphasize the lack of name. There were a couple before the ones that you adopted, and they always came where it would make sense to put a name.

    Sorry, I can’t help trying to make just a little sense of the utter nonsense. I’ll try to stop.

  4. blessed8be says:

    Soda almost went out of my nose when I read the she-clams comment. This is one of those stories where you want to edit the shit out of it and title it FAIL then send it to the author. I don’t think there’s enough red ink in the world.

    *looks at authors profile to see last updated story*

    O M G

    She’s jumping on the 3-Years plotline ship.

    Iceberg, dead ahead!

  5. Always wondered where Stephanie Meyer honed her “skils”.

  6. […] just doesn’t sound good at all. Even saying a character “kicked up” his or her lips like in that other Dragon Ball fic makes a vague amount of sense- I’ve heard people say that. But sentences like this just prove […]


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