151: Good Girl Bad attitude – Chapter Two, Part One

Title: Good Girl Bad attitude
Author: hot-chick down under
Media: Television
Topic: House M.D.
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Good Girl Bad attitude: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Frozenpoodlemeat

Well, it’s been two weeks and I apologize for my absence.  The first week was mostly my bad planning before we went on vacation; the second week was due to having no power due to an ice storm.  And then I came home and had two kidney stones.  But now I’m better and am ready to dive right back into the amazingly terrible story of Serenity, aka Triple X (giggle).  As you remember, we had just finished chapter 1 and Triple X was going to go infiltrate the hospital and show up Dr. House.

Here is the next chapter, hope you like it, feel free to comment and extend your ideas.

Oh, believe me, I’m going to comment on this turd.  I’m not sure what you mean by “extend your ideas”, but I’ll try to do that, too.

Good Times

Cameron woke up to the sound of her alarm and she was one happy woman. When Serena called her to inform her that she got the job with House and will be living with her she squealed in excitement. She now had someone to defend her from House’s cruel remarks because if Serena felt that her family was being hurt in any way she would swing into full action and give it to them good. However she wondered why she didn’t walk in her father’s footsteps and become an assassin, she had a lot of knowledge, she knew how to fight and she knew her way around the streets. Cameron shook her head and got ready for work, it will be another 4 hours before Serena’s flight landed and House demanded she be at the office, Cuddy then stepped in and gave her the rest of today off so she will be able to pick up her niece.

Holy run-on sentences, Batwoman! That aside, I’ve watched many episodes of House, and I have trouble imagining Cameron squealing in excitement (well, maybe when she’s having sex with Chase).  And squealing in excitement because her niece is going to come and protect her from House?  Please.  Cameron usually had no trouble dealing with House and depending, on when in the series this story takes place, Cameron might still have the hots for House.  Also, I honestly can’t imagine anyone being excited that Serenity was going to stay with them for several months.

As usual she was the first one in the conference office and occupied herself by making coffee and sorting out House’s mail when she heard a familiar voice come right through the door.

I would have thought the hospital would have gotten sturdier doors, but I guess they decided to go with the rice paper as it creates a great atmosphere (and voices go right through it).

“Morning ducklings, or should I say duckling” said House eyeing Cameron suspiciously, she was really happy and seemed to ignore him, then it hit him her niece will be coming down in four hours the cardiologist that he had hired or should he say Cuddy forced him to hire.

I think there are a few punctuation marks missing, because it sounds like Serenity is going to be going down on a cardiologist in four hours.

“You know it’s very rude to ignore your boss” said House

“aw, poor baby, not getting enough attention from your whores on the side, like I give a damn, you ignore people all the time, so I will do the same thing to you” replied Cameron.

Um, it’s not ignoring someone when you respond to whatever they say.

This shocked House no way had Cameron ever turned around and said something so rude, something changed and that intrigued hum while at the same time angered him, how dare she say something like that to him

In a clever attempt to distract us from the plot (or lack of plot) the author has decided to get rid of as much of the punctuation as possible.

“Ouch, that hurts” mocked House making a baby face and putting a hand over his heart

“Oh drop the act, it’s getting so old”

“Excuse me what gives you the right to say those things to me?” asked House a hint of bitterness in his voice

Sorry, author girl, you can drop all the periods and commas that you want, but I still find the plot confusing and ridiculous.  Also, what baby face is House making?  I’ve had a baby and he made lots of different faces.  My favorite was the “Oh No!” face, so I’m just going to imagine House making that face.

“Because, I can, get use to it” replied Cameron turning around facing him, not a hint of regret or fear in her eyes, she had become stronger and she was daring him to say something with a cold narrow stare. The thought of Serena coming down who was a whole lot stronger then her and has more of a foul mouth gave her the confidence to face off House, she knew that she would be proud of her after their discussion the other night.

Yup, one conversation with your overachiever niece can change your entire personality and outlook on life.  Is there nothing that Serenity can’t do?  I mean, she inspired Cameron to make witty comebacks and there is really nothing more powerful than that.

“Stop reacting to him that’s what he wants, when he something nasty to you, say something right back to his face, stand up and fight for yourself, don’t let a bastard like him walk all over your heart. You are way better and stronger then that, you deserve more, you deserve respect!”

Why thanks, little cheerleader!  But then again it’s easy to have confidence in yourself when you are a Mary Sue.  Heck, if I were a Mary Sue, I wouldn’t be afraid of House either.  Oh, wait, I’m not a Mary Sue and I’m still not afraid of House.

House was shocked, she had changed, she knew how to fight. Where did it come from but? Just yesterday she was crying her eyes out and now today she came in to the hospital with her head high, a smile on her face and throwing nasty comments at him. He then walked straight up to her, backed her up until her back was pressed up against the coffee bench and put both arms on the bench to block her from escaping. This always worked and she would crumble, but not this time she stared up at him with no emotion in her eyes and then before he could react she took his arm and twisted it.

Just because Cameron gives him a little lip doesn’t mean that she knows how to fight and twisting someone’s arm isn’t an amazing fighting technique, either.  That’s all I’ve got for this week, we’ll have to wait until next week to find out if Cameron flips House over her shoulder and onto the coffee machine.

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