149: The family is a person – One Shot

Title: The family is a person
Author: Jacob Edward Lee Hatter
Media: Movie
Topic: Psycho
Genre: Horror / Suspense
URL: The family is a person
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian

I have found myself back at the Bates Motel, a location that seems very popular for the writers of bad fanfics. In this particular case, the author has written a sequel to Psycho, and let me tell you that it is a beaut. It is incoherent and has no plot. I think I have heard babbling babies have much more logical stream of conscious statements than this. I will be happy to return to Psycho as many times as I need to in order to cover these atrocities. It’s like each story is a dead woman in a car pushed into a bog with Norman Bates grinning nearby. Anthony Perkins lives.

I don’t know if the author fails to realize this or has chosen to ignore it, but a Psycho II was already made. It came out in 1983. It was not exactly critically acclaimed. Anyway, that’s a bit of a side note because it is completely ignored by our author. Before we begin this fiasco, I feel I should mention that my Enter key is not stuck. The spacing of these sentences is the way the author wrote the story. I kind of like it because it makes it easy to read in a William Shatner cadence.

PSYCHO II: the escape BY: Hallowonka Crane

There is no indication as to who Hallowonka Crane is. I like to imagine Hallowonka as Willie Wonka mixed with Michael Myers of  Halloween and topped with a little bit of Janet Leigh’s Marion Crane from the original Psycho. In other words, a murderous drag queen that loves to make candy.

One bright and shiny day Norman and “Mother” escape from the mental hospital while

Don’t worry, we never find out what was going on while he was escaping. I know you were worried you would have to deal with a plot point so it must come as a relief that this sentence never makes it to fruition. My choice for the end of that sentence is: “…while the nurses and doctors played Quidditch with straightjackets on.” There you go, now we can proceed. Have a shiny day.

The history of their house and the famous BATES MOTEL were destroyed and buried under a little

It’s like a game! We get to guess what the author says next! Ready? Ok, I vote for the house and Bates Motel being buried under a giant space Llama. As for burying the history of the house and motel, I think it is under a bed.

Small house where a small family lived .

That was not fair. They could be very proportionate. It certainly was a poor follow-up to my anticipation. Now that we have established that gnomes now live over the haunted Indian burial ground … I mean Bates Motel, we can go back to Norman who is wandering around presumably still in his straight jacket.

Meanwhile Norman and again “Mother” was almost to the small house someone everyone thought that was mental saw Norman walking down the street.

I think I missed the point of that mess of words – assuming there actually was a point. At least we can’t accuse the writer of being exclusive, they brought in “someone everyone.”  The rest of it is too jumbled to hazard a guess on.

And next the man yelled “Help he is out, he is out I tell you all, he is out.” But every on just ignored him because the news was not out yet because they did not want panic across the country and yet did not know the whereabouts of them. So Norman went to a little shop around the corner called MRS. KERS DRESS SHOP AND WIG SALON

The man yelling is never even introduced or identified. His parents must be so proud. I have my doubts that everyone would have been quiet to prevent panic across the country. Norman didn’t even terrorize the whole country. Anyway, back to the Dress Shop and Wig Salon which so conveniently are located in the same place.

Norman went in and bought

A dress that looked just like the one he used to wear.

That boy just has no fashion sense whatsoever. Someone phone Vera Wang stat!

And an old gray wig to go with it. Then the family was cooking their supper for that night and the little girl Emily (the daughter) asked her father “Daddy who is Norman Bates?”

I think we are supposed to conclude that this family is the previously mentioned gnome family.

And the father looked down at her with concern or worry and bent down on his knees and asked “Sweetie where did you hear that name?”

Concern or worry? They mean pretty much the same thing in this sentence. Our author is indecisive, which is quite odd considering  that the rest of the story shows absolutely no sign of forethought or afterthought. You would think the author would just pick a word, any word.

Then she said shaky and scared ” The big girls in my d-dream showed me a house that was like a mansion next to a small motel with an old lady sitting in the window of the house not moving just looking a-at us but we could not see her face and one of the big girls whispered to the other girl hey it’s Norman Bates and he was dressed up like a girl in a d-dress and the lady in the window was not there anymore and he stabbed one of the big girls alot.” As she was crying hysterically the father hugged her in his strong and hairy arms embracing his little girl.

He’s a hairy gnome. I wonder if he has ever heard of night terrors because it sounds like that little girl had one. Subtle foreshadowing is not an issue in this story.

 While Norman went to an old store called BOB’S RESTRAUNT WARES so he went in and the man at the desk looks at him in a weird and accusing way but Norman just ignored him and started rummaging through the different verities of knives

“Where are you my little buddy, now where are you my utensil” he whispered in a sinister and deep manor voice.

My preciousssss … cutlery.

“Ah there you are just like mothers other one; she will never notice that it was taken away”

“Norman where is my knife?”Norman yelled

Until this moment, the author has differentiated Norman and “Mother” which makes it feel jolting when “Mother” starts speaking through Norman. I can’t decide which would have made more sense though. I’m not going to spend much time on this point because I understand the author’s predicament but not why the author failed to take the time to think it through.

“Mother not in the store people are staring “he whispered

“Let them stare I want it NOW!”He said

This is when a smart shop keeper would have called the police about a man talking to himself in the knife section of the store. I guess the shop keeper isn’t “someone everyone” since he doesn’t act like he knows who Norman is. Poor shop keeper, he’s nobody, who are you? Are you nobody too?

“Hey buddy what are you doing back there?”The manager said” Now if you’re going to do all of that yelling you just get you rear end out of here”

So he bought the knife and ran home.

That  must have been a transaction fraught with tension.  Norman and “Mother” probably haggled over the price.

Then suddenly there was a loud humongous knock at the door, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

Thank God they spelled out the knocks, I would have been so lost otherwise. Hold on, what door? Where is Norman? The old house and motel were destroyed. I suppose we’ll have to make the leap of logic to land on the idea that Norman found the gnome family’s house.

“Mother I’m home” Norman said

Wait just a cotton pickin’ minute. Mother is already inside Norman. He doesn’t need to tell her he’s home, she is in his head!

“Hey stop fooling around and go away that is history and it was ages ago so leave us be” The father yelled. “Daddy I’m scared” Said Emily

That will definitely get rid of a serial killer. They respond well to “stop fooling around.” From this point on, the author switches to the wall o’ text method of writing. Apparently he got tired of William Shatner.

Then Norman goes around back and makes a peep hole near the shower door and the mother walks in and starts to take a shower.

Clearly the father concluded Norman just heard him say “stop fooling around” and headed along his merry rampaging way. The peep hole is a throwback to the original Pyscho, but that depended entirely on Norman’s proximity to Marion Crane in the hotel. Since this is the gnome home, it is puzzling to figure out where and how he made this hole. It sounds like he is in the back of the home which probably means he needs a drill. Maybe the mother sings really loud in the shower? Loud enough to drown out power tools?

So Norman puts on his dress and wig and goes through the back door and heads to the bathroom while the father (Charlie Reeds) was comforting his little princess.

I want to know where the “(Charlie Reeds)” came from. As far as I can tell, there is no reason for this name in canon. This leaves me with the feeling of being given credits for a movie. I think the author is just finally giving the father a name in the last few paragraphs because apparently now it matters somehow.

As Norman was walking to the bathroom door he heard the sweet sound of singing, but still went in and slowly locked the bathroom door and crept up to the shower or the bathtub and quickly swung open the shower curtain and Crystal (the mother) screamed and he stabbed her in her back, her kidney, and her breast.

Yea, the author is just finally giving them names. I was right about the singing too. It’s a little creepy how specific the author is about what has been stabbed. This whole story has been a mess with lack of detail until the stabbing. I’m glad I don’t know this writer.

And she fell down bleeding hard with a loud THUD! And blood everywhere, and quickly the father barges into the room and sees his wife’s mangled or slashed body while Norman hid in the closet.

Mangled or slashed, it could be either but NOT both. Once again, our author is being indecisive about words. Someone give the author a thesaurus and a dictionary please.

Then Charlie cried “No, No, No please god NO PLEASE NO, NO, NO not my shining darling Crystal” Then before he knew it he was stabbed in the heart and throat slashed by Norman because Norman realized that Charlie was A weak target.

If he had been a B weak target, things would have been fine. Other than how Norman just murdered his wife. Hang in dear reader, we are almost to the end.

Then Emily Screamed “Daddy!” and Norman ran after her as quick as a flash on a camera and got the little daughter Emily but the cops showed up before he could kill her and the sheriff yelled “STAND UP AND HANDS UP YOU BLEEPING PSYCHOPATH!” “Get off of me you filthy idiot, get your filthy dirty hands off of me”.

No need to identify the second speaker. It could be the Sheriff still. We just can’t be sure!!

Then Norman was put into custody of the local police and his cell locked up titer

Titer indeed.

with the brown blanket around him talking to himself as Norma Bates and was never let out until 17 years later

A) Straight Jackets aren’t brown blankets and B) they let him out?! Artistic license only works when something in the story needs it to exist. This is an afterthought and the artistic license just expired. That’s one of the problems with the actual Psycho sequels. They have Norman “rehabilitated” and let out.

 but messed up again then was locked in the institution for the rest of his life of insanity until he died 10/23/96.

I’m troubled by that final date. It’s so specific. I can’t find a reason for it. It’s not when Anthony Perkins died. A disturbing thought just crossed my mind that maybe that is the birthday of this author and they believe they are Perkin’s reincarnation. I really hope not. I’m going to go buy  some armor for my kidneys, breasts, and back. I will also never shower again. I look forward to seeing you next week, reader. Be thankful you can’t smell me through the monitor.


4 Comments on “149: The family is a person – One Shot”

  1. "Lyle" says:

    It’s like the author couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to say. It’s almost a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book. If you think the mother was mangled, turn to page 45. If you think she was slashed, turn to page 86. In both cases, you lose and have to start over at “Do you respond to Random Guy on Street when he yells about Norman Bates being right over there?”

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Who can kill the sunrise? And shove it in the bog?
    Who can hide the bodies so they are never found and make the world dress good?

    The candy man can because she…

    OH GOD, SHE’S IN THE HOUSE!


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