148: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels
Author: insane doctor and judgmentdragon25
Media: Video Game/Movie
Topic: Call of Duty/Land Before Time Cross-Over
Genre: None Listed
URL: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels – Chapter Three
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Wednesday has come around again and that means I am to regale you all with a tale; a tale of two men trapped by their own stupidity in an endless cycle of Stu-ness.  Yes, the tale of Insane Doctor (ID) and Judgmentdragon25 (JD25) reaches its third chapter of unmitigated abuse of the English language.

Let’s see here, I suppose I ought to recap what has happened. Bet I can do it in 20 words.

There are lots of Stus. Two of them are more Stu-y than the others.  They kill many zombies and dinosaurs.

Booya! I didn’t even miss any of the important plot points, either.

Since we’re at the start of a new chapter, I better boot up the ol’ comma tracker.

[taco@magic : ~/LOD/tools]$ TCT \c 1:3

Taco’s Comma Tracker V. 2.5
Loading chapters 1 to 3…Done
Commas detected: 5
Total words analyzed: 15,577
Total commas used correctly: 0

Woof.  That’s pretty bad.  Also, this chapter alone is 33% LONGER than the previous two put together, so expect this sucker to draw out into 4 or 5 posts.  If that isn’t a mood killer, than I’ve got something that will really spoil any enjoyment you might have gleaned from this chapter: an author’s note!

Chapter 3 night story

/

the insane doctor:okay here is chapter three origins

judgmentdragon25:um doc don’t get me wrong but does it say night story after three

Man, JD25 scores another burn!  He’s right; you can’t have two different names for the same chapter.  It’s a firm rule.

the insane doctor:yep this chapter is and origin chapter gonna show what happened to us before we arrived at the great valley.

Well, color me embarrassed.  They actually ARE going to explain all the time and dimensional travel that must have happened to get this particular group of Gary Stus together.  I’d feel bad about questioning their lack of background, but I have a feeling this backstory isn’t going to make any sense.  Call it a hunch, call it intuition, or call it being familiar with their writing style.

It’s also depressingly possible that this “what happened to us before we arrived at the great valley” will be a retelling of chapter 1 in agonizing detail.  A nonsensical backstory doesn’t sound too bad now, does it?

Soap:so basically it’s going to show the hell hole we just escaped from.

The insane doctor:yeah.

I told you a rambling, nonsense backstory would sound good in comparison.

Tank:well that’s just great were going to re-live hell that’s just fucking great

Imagine how the readers feel.

nikolai:wait if were gonna re-live the past that means I get to re-drink some vodka praise the lord for re-living

richtofen:nikolai it doesn’t mean were going to go back in time it means that one of us is just going to tell them how we got to this point in time

nikolai:so that means I can’t re-drink any vodka

price:nope sorry mate

nikolai:damn the lord for re-living

nikolai suddenly gets struck by lightning

nikolai:(cough’s out puff of smoke/falls over unconscious)

the insane doctor:okay well you guys go ahead and get him back to consciousness while I start the chapter

More Warner Brother’s style fun.  Ha. Ha. Whee.

Meanwhile, we join Team Stu on location in the Great Valley of the formless void.  We’re treated to a very, very, very long one-sentence introduction to the scene.  Very long.  My brain died around a quarter of the way through it and I had to get a few replacements in order to finish the damned thing.  It went on forever!  *Cries*

It’s also really, really bad.  I’ll just chunk the first little bit here as a sample:

it had been four weeks since the team of nine humans had traveled to the past back to the time of the dinosaurs with the four weeks they had stayed in the great valley they had learned that none of the children in the great valley were not born there except for chomper but they had migrated from different locations threw out the world only after a huge earth shake had changed the location

That’s the first 10% of that intro.  The rest of it is the authors conveniently placing lots of Call of Duty equipment all over the valley, like perk machines with all new perks … such as the aptly named “knife stabber” perk that helps you stab better with a knife.

*facepalm*  *headdesk*

Seriously, that’s the name of their new awesome perk.  There are a few other perks that seem to be folded in just to give the two Super-Stus some situationally-dependent powers, like the ability to create illusory clones or the ability to dodge bullets.  I’m sure those won’t be handy in contrived situations that require those perks to be used.  Totally wouldn’t happen in a quality fic like this.

“and that is how we got to the great valley”. Littlefoot said as him and his friends sat beside a break in the earth that had a reddish glow coming from it as they felt the warmth coming from it as the humans called it a make shift camp fire as insane said.

And that’s the origin story!  Thanks for reading everyone, come back again next Wed-

*BZZT*

Lyle’s telling me that there is actually way more chapter left to riff.  Spoil sport.

They’re all interrupted by a shout from Herr Richtofen, who is holding his signature gun which is covered in vomit.

“damn you nikolai again you get your own biological waste on my gun again that is it I have had it I am going to…ah forget it I kick your ass every time you do this and what do you do you vomit on it again”. Richtofen said as he began to clean his gun for the fiftieth time as nikolai replied.

*Siren Blares*

Damn you DRD!  Why did you stop your free breadstick deal?!

So anyway, Nicolai passes out because he’s drunk.  Whee, fun stuff.  Then Ruby asks the question we’ve all be wondering.

“how can all of you just put up with his nonsense”? Ruby asked as she heard tank reply.

Good question.  Why ARE you allowing this kind of crap in Team Stu?  And why the hell haven’t any of you killed Dr. Richtofen yet?  You obviously don’t need him for your immediate survival anymore, nor do you need Nikolai, the insane Russian mass-murderer.  Why are they still alive, or at the very least, why aren’t they tied up and gagged?

Also, Tank’s so on the ball, he answers questions at the same time that they’re asked.  His new Team Stu name is going to be Radar.

“trust me ruby if we didn’t need the sob we would have killed him a long time ago but then again that drunk basterd has saved our asses more times than I can count heck if it wasn’t for him once I would have been zombie food year’s ago”. Tank replied as he heard chomper ask.

First, no, you don’t need him anymore so you’re free to kill him.  And by all means please do.  Two, I don’t care how many times my life is saved by Hannibal Lecter, if he’s passed out in a vodka coma he’s not going to be waking up from it.  Evil of that caliber is not a thing of circumstance.  And three, according to canon, the zombie outbreak starts in 1945, and the Der Riese incident (which they were in the middle of) takes place shortly after the outbreak.  There is no way that Nikolai would have been saving their asses for “years” since the outbreak has only been going for a few months at this point in the timeline.  Research is your friend.

Anyway, after that Chomper basically asks for some exposition, and Radar is happy to oblige:

“well I can tell you what happened to me,nikolai,takeo,richtofen but the others are going to have to tell you what happened to them now lets see where to begin how about at nachet der uton”. Tank replied as he began to start his story on what happened to them only to here ducky ask.

Hey look!  Commas!  They’re not used correctly, since they still need spaces and all, but there are still commas here!

They also spelled “Nacht Der Untoten” incorrectly, but hey, if they can’t get English right, why should I expect their German to be any better?  They also must not realize that Nacht Der Untoten translates roughly to “Night of the Undead” or “Night of the Zombies” depending on how literal you want to be.  So yes, it’s not a place but an event.  You can’t be AT the Nacht Der Untoten, but rather things would happen to you during it.  Since “Nacht Der Untoten” is the name of a Zombie Mode map in Call of Duty, our little prodigy of a writer must have assumed it was a location.  Research is still your friend (and a rough understanding of German helps, too).

So great, it sounds like we’re going to get several backstories.  Everyone strap in.  *Sigh*

(location past nacht der uton)

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!  It’s not a fucking location!  And you spelled it wrong again!

a dense fog had surrounded the air filed of nacht der uton so dense that nothing could hardly be seen except for the silhouette of a downed airplane and the ghostly white moon off in the distance as four soldiers stood at the ready waiting for something to attack them as the silence began to get to them as one of them shouted.

Read it again, I dare you.  Shouting is a great way to stay silent and inconspicuous, especially when you’re expecting an attack.  AND YOU SPELLED IT WRONG AGAIN!  YOU’VE MADE THIS FIC BASED ON THE FREAKING ZOMBIE MODE, AND YOU CAN’T EVEN SPELL THE NAME OF THE FIRST MAP CORRECTLY!  ARRRGGGGHHHH!

*pant pant*

Ok, I’m better.

“hey sarge how long are we going to stay in this god forsaken place”? One of the soldiers shouted as he aimed his ptrs sniper rifle outside a window that had five boards nailed on to it to keep someone or something out as he heard the soldier he asked reply.

*SIREN BLARES*

Good to know that the one soldier was shouting that shouted dialogue.

I could really, really use those breadsticks right now.

“polonski I told you for the hundredth time we cannot leave until we figure out who the hell attacked us out there so stop asking me”. The soldier replied back to the one called polonski as the soldier that replied back began to walk up the stairs with the writing on the wall that said you must ascend from darkness.

Da-bwah?  I got lost there.  This is why introducing your characters with some kind of description or a name is pretty useful.  Gets rid of all this “the one” malarkey.

(back to the present with land before time)

Oh, fuck you, story.  That was the entire flashback?!  What the hell?!  Did that even serve any kind of purpose?  You could have summed that up with a single sentence of narrative!  Just say “We were at a foggy airplane junkyard and didn’t want to be there.”  Worst. Flashback. Ever.  And that’s including the flashback in Slaying Forks.

Since this post is already running a bit long, I’ll finish the rest of Radar’s backstory next week.  I know you’ll all wait with bated breath.


3 Comments on “148: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels – Chapter Three, Part One”

  1. "Lyle" says:

    Why do authors feel the need to write long, convoluted author’s notes as if they’re holding a conversation with their characters? *headdesk*

  2. Addicted Reader says:

    I didn’t even miss any of the important plot points, either.

    There’s a plot???


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