Sunday Special : Forbiden Fruit – Chapter FourPosted: August 7, 2011
( Happy Sunday, Library patrons! Enjoy Chapter 4 of the fic that started it all! You have no idea what I’m talking about? Go catch up on the Sunday Specials… we’ll wait. ~Lyle )
Title: Forbiden Fruit: the tempation of Edward Cullen
URL: Forbidden Fruit
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Chapter 4 – la Push
There is a brief Author’s Note at the top of Chapter 4 in which the author defends her brilliant and beautiful Mary Sue by stating that;
“btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.”
I completely believe that this Mary Sue is in fact a well-rounded character just because of a laughable rape scene tacked on to the last chapter. I also believe there’s a tiny dragon named Rupert living in my Lava Lamp, but that could be the drain cleaner I’ve been smoking.
Now to the “story”.
Tetris has decided to go to the “beech” with Mike Noonan, even though she finds him “borin” and the hideously ugly and petty “chearleaders” were going to be there, including Ewdard’s girlfriend, (the “brown hare girl”) who I am assuming is supposed to be Bella from the books. (I have a hard time believing this mean and spiteful person is the same flat, one-dimensional character from the books, but that is the least of this story’s problems.) Atlantis is still upset that she was “rapped” by Uncle Larry the night before and confused about her vision of the pale guy, whom I shall refer to as Daddy Glowworm, in the flash of light.
I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry
Why she decided a beach (or “beech”) party with people who loathe her with every fiber of their being would be just the thing to lift her spirits after a horrific driveway rape and possible psychotic episode is beyond me.
So Jessica screams at Amontillado and calls her a “stupid goth biatch” and a “RAT HOOKER”, even though Jessica was wearing “skimpy pink clothes” and is “technology a hot chick” herself when she isn’t screaming herself ugly. Mike defends Taiwan, saying it wasn’t the clothes but what’s inside that counts. This is despite the fact that all the girls in this story, and Terrapin especially, seem to be wearing the equivalent of gently wafting lace curtains at all times. I’m pretty sure traipsing around the Pacific Northwest in a goth-inspired dishcloth is a super-fun way to get hypothermia.
One of the girls, “laruen”, points at the enormous fun-bags dangling off Artdeco’s chest and laughs about how big and fake looking they are, comparing them to the breasts of a porn star. This causes everyone else to laugh at her and she runs off into the woods, presumably using her giant chest-cannons to knock down any small trees that get in her way.
“I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could’nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!”
Because people with image issues are constantly complaining about how thin and pretty and well-endowed they are.
While running through the woods, she meets three smiling goth girls; “tyffani, abigaille and rochelle”, which can’t be right since goth girls never smile. These girls are apparently also running through the woods, since they ask Tinkerbelle to be their friend and talk with her for hours (in unison) and no mention is made of her stopping her frenzied dash through the trees. It is revealed at this point that The Chearleaders hate the Smiling Goths because the Goths don’t care what The Chearleaders think about them. They assure Tammifaye that The Chearleaders are just jealous because she is so beautiful and just generally awesome, even though they have just met her. Happy to have found friends that like her for herself, they talk for hours (I assume about how cool they are and how terrible The Chearleaders are) before the Smiling Goths leave (I guess they got tired of running around and talking at the same time.) and Tamiflu stays on the “beech” because she does not want to return to her rapping uncle. (I assume she is running up and down the trunk of a very large beech tree, since she still has not made any kind of effort to stop running.)
“Soddenly” there is a voice behind her. (Nearly everyone enters a scene suddenly and from behind) It’s Mr. Hawt Pale Dude himself, Ewdard! He tells her she is causing quite a stir at school and she seems surprised by this. As if the fact that she is being hounded by every male and screeched at by every female in the place is some new morsel of information that she did not have before.
“basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?” he smiled and kissed my neck.
(Okay, how can you use the Shift key to type quotation marks, but can’t be arsed to use it to capitalize your damn sentences or the names of your characters!?!)
Trafalgar screams at Ewdard for being a cheating bastard, and then she goes out of her way to say how much she hates his current girlfriend. He tells her not to tell anyone about their make-out session in the “corridoor”; (well, he screams it in ALL CAPS actually) she storms off towards her home. He follows, grabs her and throws her to the “grind” and begins molesting her. She is still very angry but she wants him so “deafly” she doesn’t resist his advances. After some fumbling she tears her own clothes off (a nice change from having everyone else do it) and begs him to “sex” her.
He screams like a little girl and runs away. (That’s not generally a good reaction to get from someone who just had their hands in your undies.)
She gets dressed (in the clothes she has just torn off her own body), feeling ashamed because she had begged him to “do sex on” her and he had said no. (Or screamed NO! and then ran away as fast as he could.) Arabella goes back home and cooks dinner for Uncle Larry, who forces her to give him a blowjob while he eats, rapes her, and then beats her with a shoe all night long.
When he leaves her (it is presumably morning and she is covered in heel impressions) she very briefly contemplates suicide, weeps, and falls into a dreamless sleep.
Ugh. This damned thing keeps getting worse and worse. I can feel my brain cells dying as I read it. There is just so much wrongness here.