Welcome back to the second half of chapter 4.  You’ll love it as much as you loved the first half.

When we last left Team Stu they had just made an intensely slow get-away at airport.  For those of you unaware, the team is currently in city, which is where airport is located.  If you drive down road, you can’t miss it.

Anyway, they take off in a shiny new flying fortress and head for… wherever.

Ten minutes had passed since take off the survivors were all just sitting in the cargo bay nobody was talking all of them were just staring of in space thinking on what had just happened to them trying to figure out how samantha was brought back to life but up in the cockpit of the plane niko suddenly saw a bright red light explode causing him to immediately say over the intercom.

Really, the prefect time to reflect upon Samantha’s return would have been during that first night were you all camped out among the corpses.  But I could see how all the camp songs and smores would distract you from that.

“my friends there are more survivors I just saw a flare I am going to try and land”. Niko said causing everyone in the cargo bay to hold on to something as niko started to slowly descend the plane trying to make sure that he didn’t kill them all.

Just like that, huh?  You’re gonna land this:

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Lockheed AC-130 Gunship

just kinda wherever to spontaneously pick up some survivors. Yeah, let me know how that works out for you.

The plane slowly descended onto a destroyed highway the landing gear smashing into cars and other debris that was thrown on the road the sound of breaking glass and crushing metal filling the air till the plane came to a complete stop right next to a hotel that had a sign reading help all of the survivors immediately exited the plane with niko following behind them shortly after all of them looking around seeing where niko had set them down causing cera to ask.

Yeah, if you hit a car with a plane, it doesn’t just get brushed aside.  It takes out the landing gear and cripples the plane.  Nice try, boys.

Also, I wonder how they plan to take off.  Likely in the same improbable, Hollywood-inspired way they landed.

Wait… are they… are they really not leaving anyone with the plane?

“i told you my friend I saw a flare come up from here my friend come on lets see if we can’t find who shot that flare”. Niko said only to hear the voice of someone unfamiliar reply.

They aren’t.  They’re in zombie hell, and they don’t leave anyone with the fucking plane.  These guys are morons.

I think we already knew that.

“you don’t have to look far were here”.

What the?  That doesn’t actually mean anything, does it?

And unfamiliar voice replied causing the group of twenty to look in the direction of the voice seeing a man that was wearing what looked to be multiple weapons on his belt and back as he walked towards the group saying.

It’s really mesmerizing how poorly this is written.  I try to read the passages, but my brain rebells and I find myself skipping over them while thinking about rabbits.

George said he’d let me feed them.

Ahem.

“hello my name is chris redfield one of the…holy shit get back you got dinosaurs behind you”.!

OK, that’s pretty amusing.  I’m thinking of just saying that randomly to people I meet.

“Hi, I’m Taco, welcome to the awards ceremony for honoring Good Samaritans and- Holy shit get back you got dinosaurs behind you!”

The one called chris said

Chris!

The man they call Chris!

Ahem, sorry.

drawing a pistol that was red dot sighted aiming it at one of the dinosaurs behind the humans only to have judgment step in front of the red dot saying.

Yes, because the audience couldn’t possibly know what a laser sight is, so let’s describe it as “red dot.”

*Facepalm*

“no no there our friends they’ve been helping us fight off the zombies”. Judgment said as littlefoot added.

“yeah we’ve been helping them since the zombies attacked the mysterious island that was out in the big water”. Littlefoot said only to hear chris reply.

Right!  That was, what, a week after they nuked your home town, right?

Anyway, Chris and the team banter a bit in a very forgettable way until they eventually follow him into the hotel.  They’re greeted by Sheva Alomar.

“chris were you able to get the plane down”? The woman asked only to here chris reply.

Uhh, Sheva, did you just mean to insinuate that Chris was attacking the… you know what, never mind.  That would be pretty awkward.

“yes I did sheva leon jill I was able to get us rescue come on”. Chris said causing another male and female to walk out of the building as the male known as leon said.

Holy hell, that’s a weird name.  Sheva must have married into the Jill family after RE5.

A shame her middle name is Leon.  That’s probably why she never brings it up in the games.

“great now lets get the fuck out of her before…are those”.? Leon said only to here chris reply.

You know, I gotta say, the one thing our authors here do right is having these new people react to the dinosaurs.  Even in a zombie apocalypse, dinosaurs would still make just about everyone do a double-take.

“yes they’ll explain on the plane lets move”. Chris said as the group of twenty-four started to walk back towards the plane only to come to and immediate stop for wesker was standing on top of the plane staring at the group with a smirk on his face as he said.

*throws up his hands*

SURE!  Why the fuck not!  Just have the SDQF barf a smirking Wesker out at them.

At least he isn’t throwing things yet.

“i see you have located the traitors of umbrella hmm unfortunate for samantha she wanted to kill you twenty herself but when you work with a partner you should know he gets some of your percentage”.

Twirl that mustache, you glorious Awesome McEvil!  Twirl it!

Wesker said snapping his fingers as the group of twenty-four immediately looked up hearing the sound of chopper blades cutting the air as they saw a huge container suddenly drop from the sky all twenty-four of them dodging the container before it made impact as chris looked towards the plane only to see that wesker was gone but all eyes fell on the container when they heard a loud banging sound after another till the door of the container flew off as a boomer stepped out of the container causing insane to say.

So.  Instead of killing them himself, he patiently waits for them to finish in the hotel and then air-drops a zombie at them.

*Hits Buzzer*

Too Much Middle-Management: 8

“that’s there go to weapon a boomer waste it”.

*Adjusts the stalk of grain hanging out of the side of his mouth*

“I dun reckon that there zombie is.  Whatcha reckon a zom like that tastes like, Bubba?”

“Aww.  Gon’ be all gamey an’ tough.  Gotta marnate boomers a long time ‘afore they edible.  Ya’ll could tenderize it by hittin’ it with a van, though.”

“Dern right we could.  Chris, you get the van an’ me an’ Bubba’ll get the spotlight.  We gon’ shine some good boomers t’night!”

Insane said causing everyone to fire there weapons at the boomer only to have them immediately deflected for the boomer suddenly grew two time’s its normal size and then it grew armor around its body

Shit, you didn’t expect that boomer to have a super mushroom, did you!?

except for the huge puss bags that stayed outside it’s armor as it immediately picked up it’s container and threw it at the survivors causing all of them to duck down three of them landing on certain object causing the objects to disappear as music started to play.

Score one for team Wesker!

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 12, Wesker – 10

And guess what!  It’s another literary montage!  And only the second one in chapter 4!

I’m so happy!

*twitch twitch*

“really there is a song here great”. Tank said slightly annoyed before him and the others got up to fight the zombie reproductor.

You know that your literary montages are getting out of hand when your own characters are bitching about them.

Anyway, we plow head first into a giant literary montage of them fighting the “reproductor.” As promised, I’ll only hit you with the highlights of the fight, as it’s too stupid and long to post in full.

twenty-one survivors charge towards the zombie reproductor only to immediately be thrown back by its massive strength.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 12, Wesker – 11

Bitchin, team Wesker is rallying!

Also… did we just lose another two members?  I’ll have to keep my eye on that.

a huge clap of thunder is heard as rain started to pour down heavily on the fight making it hard for the survivors to see there target.

The PCC subcontracted with the SDQF to make this storm possible.  I love it when two of our memes play nicely together.

the zombie reproductor swings both of its massive arms knocking tank richtofen niko and insane into the small building at the hotel all four of them quickly recovering just as another bolt of lightning illuminated the battlefield allowing the survivors get more shots on the zombie none of them still doing hardly any effect.

“Still doing hardly any effect?”  English of yours doing, authors, is not so hardly any good.

sheva then catches a glimpse of an rpg inside of a military car as she started to run for the gun narrowly getting hit by a car that was thrown her way.

The SDQF is really busy in this chapter.  Hope it doesn’t get a clog or something.

sheva fires one missile at the zombie having it make a direct hit causing the zombie to scream out in pain as sheva tried to quickly reload her rpg while the rest of the group continued to fire on the zombie.

Wow, not only did it barf up an RPG, but some ammo for it as well.  Very nice.

a lighting bolt reveals the injured zombie standing in front of a fuel tanker as sheva aimed her rpg at the fuel tanker only to be forced to wait till another bolt of lightning struck.

What?  Is she afraid the fuel tank is gonna move out the way when she can’t see it or something?

Sheva, just shoot the stupid thing!

sheva is still forced to wait for another lighting bolt constantly hearing the others shout fire the rocket.

Holy crap, the fic heard that?!  AHH!

*Runs around in a panic*

sheva finally gets her chance immediately firing the rpg at the fuel tanker causing all of the survivors close to the zombie to duck down as a huge explosion along with a huge wall of flames that surrounded the zombie causing it to roar out in agony.

Wait.  Wait, wait, wait! WAIT!  You KNEW one of your team-members was loading up a rocket to shoot at this thing… and you still hung out kinda close to it?  What the hell were you guys thinking?!  If somebody starts lobbing grenades, do you hang around them just to make sure they go off?

the twenty-three other survivors immediately threw grenades at the zombie’s feet after five seconds multiple explosions filled the air bringing the zombie down to it’s knees.

OK, I’m only counting that as one throw since I only gave the zombie one point for throwing 22 of you.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 13, Wesker – 11

sheva loads the last rocket only to walk closer to the zombie and shove the rpg in it’s mouth.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, SHEVA!?  That’s a live goddamn EXPLOSIVE rocket you’ve got there!  I don’t care where you just shoved it, you’re like 2 fucking feet away from where it’s gonna blow up!

*headdesk*

Holy shit but these assholes are stupid.

the zombie lets out one final scream before sheva pulls the trigger on the rpg causing the zombie to immediately be propelled backwards as the back of it’s head hit the ground hard along with a huge explosion.

Services will be held for Sheva Leon Jill tomorrow morning at 9am.  We’ll miss you Sheva, thanks for blowing yourself up for the team.

the zombie lied dead in a pool of its own blood as the survivors immediately ran towards the plane and entered it in thirty minutes niko had gotten the plane back up into the sky as the plane flew threw the storm disappearing off into the distance.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 14, Wesker – 11

Ahh, so that’s how they were gonna get the plane off the ground: by throwing it.  I totally didn’t see that coming.

You know, Wesker, that whole huge distracting fight with the ultra-zombie there would have been a perfect time to disable or booby trap their unguarded plane.  That would be the same plane that you were just standing on.  The very same one that they just piled into and took off in without checking for damage or traps.  Just saying.

Too Much Middle-Management: 9

And with that (and the standard “review this” A/N) this chapter comes mewling to a close like a scared kitten.

Until next week, patrons!

Well, we are coming up upon the tail-end, Patrons. Only one more chapter after this one! Please try to contain your joy. (I have zip-ties if you need them.)

Our last little trip to the other side of madness was pretty tame. Rose is now being held in the basement of Cal’s house and he hasn’t really done anything to her besides make her mildly uncomfortable and spout a few nasty comments. Meanwhile James is with the sparklepires, having breezed through his conversion in less than a day instead of the canon time of three days. James takes the news that his grandfather  is still alive and that they are both sparklepires disturbingly well, and then the chapter ended with the eerily calm James swearing revenge upon his enemy Cal.

Unlike the past few chapters, this one doesn’t have an apologetic Author’s Note tacked on to the beginning so we can move directly into the story. I’m sure since James was ready to chew gum and kick ass in the most mediocre fashion possible at the end of the last chapter, we should probably brace ourselves for some more poorly paced action.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to this snarking of The Prayer Warriors.

Well, last time, we got some “fundamentalist” author tract. And unfortunately, it won’t let up at all throughout the rest of the fic. Trust me, if you thought it would let up now, you’re crazy.

On the bright side, though, there are other things that start to show up that end up being crazier than all the Bible thumping that goes on, so let’s get to it.

We start our next chapter with another author’s note where BelieverInChrist acts like he thinks he’s the guy who can speak for Jesus Christ.

Believer in Christ: Who will burn in hell?

Jesus Christ: Anyone that curse ye profits such as you.

Believer in Christ: Yes, and this includes lazorboy96, JzeHampen, G.J. Forever and PorschePower911. You will burn in hell for mocking me.

Jesus Christ: I will make sure that this comes true. Amen.

Congratulations, BelieverInChrist: you have just singled out four people who are still decent human beings. Patrons, a round of applause for these guys.

We are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness are as filthy rags. =Isaiah 64:6

*snerk*

Good to see the Bible quotes you keep bringing up are as ironic as ever. That at least gives me some comfort.

A good new aroused to us today with death of the Satan being Osama Bin Laden. His death brought joy to all those that followed our ways.

I don’t know this for certain, but I think that this chapter might have been published on ff.net at the time that the news of Osama bin Laden’s death first broke. Again, this is very author-tracty stuff, so it’s hard to be surprised.

Mass murderers like him should never have been allowed to be born at all. His mother should have killed him at birth.

Oh, what a coincidence. I was just about to say the same exact thing to Jerry. You know, ‘cause the only thing separating him from bin Laden is the Bible.

And so we prayed that God will destroy all other Muslims for they are evil and must be ridden off, along with all the nonbelievers and sex addicts. God and our lord Jesus Christ of Narrative

*snerk*

will not let anyone like that enter their eternal kingdom, nor will they let them work across the holy earthen ground. God bless the United States of the Holy North American Continent and Precedent George Bush for leading this fight against evil.

Thus says the other mass murderer, who seems to have forgotten that it was Obama who managed to kill bin Laden.

And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made. =Exodus 32:35

What this quote has to do with anything that’s going on here is anybody’s guess, seeing as how we haven’t even gotten into any story yet and instead have just been talking about random author tract. Though maybe it does have context since Islam is a fellow Abrahamic religion? I dunno. I’m not going to think too hard on it.

And me and my girlfriend Mary, who is named after the Virgin Mary, who is also a virgin, waiting for me to marry her before we will have sex.

*SIREN*

Ah, damn it, the DRD is starting to come in for redundancies across chapters!

Oh well. That legion of Romans I bought the other day should be able to hold them off. For now, let’s keep going.

We went to our room to read from the bible. Our gave her a private lesson on the third book of John. Although it short, it has many valued lessons such as ignoring false teachers such as Diotrephes who went against the true message of the church. We shall not allow people like these to mislead us ever again.

I will remember his deeds which he doeth, prating against us with malicious words. =3 John 10

Oh, finally, a verse from the New Testament.

Which, of course, ends up falling flat when one recognizes that BelieverInChrist completely ignores the fact that Diotrephes was not accused of heresy by John: if anything, John’s issues with Diotrephes were less from a doctorine standpoint and more from a power standpoint. Granted, Diotrephes was suppressing letters from being sent out, but I have no idea how the hell that constitutes being a false prophet.

And then went into main hall and Percy Jackson was there.

Ack! Holy offscreen teleportation, Percy, where did you come from!? And… where are we, anyway? Are we in Hogwarts? ‘Cause that’s what I think whenever I think “main hall” in this scenario.

He stood very tall looking down at us like David and Goliath, when they fought a battle to decide the fate of Holy Israel

Uh, how is he towering over you? Last I checked, Percy was only twelve when the events of The Lightning Thief went down. And yes, I know that Logan Lerman makes for a pretty tall teenager in the film version, and it’s probably that this takes place in the later books of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, but I don’t know why he would be twice your size! Also, I’m pretty sure that Percy Jackson is built less like Mr. Universe and more like a regular teenage boy, but that’s just me.

In other words: yeah. Tone down the similes, BelieverInChrist.

(If do not support Israel then stop reading thing for you will go to hell anyway).

*BAM*

Seriously, BelieverInChrist? Another mid-chapter author’s note? And doesn’t that negate your assertion that all Jews are going to hell? ‘Cause you realize that Israel is mostly Jewish, right?

“Convert to the false Gods of the Greek and to the unknown God foretold in the Holy Bible, in the book of Acts,” he yielded.

So Percy Jackson is telling Jerry to convert to the unknown God mentioned in Acts 17:16-34. So literally, the people of Camp Half-Blood are worshipping the Greek gods, Satan, the unknown God, and even a few Roman gods all at the same time. Jeez, there are theories in quantum physics that are less complicated than whatever religion it is that combines all those things together!

“You have made a deeply mistake by taking me on heathen. Now you will be published by being sent to the eternals flames of hell where you will be whipped for ever by Satan for being fooled by him in the first place for he is evil and God is the great eternal thing ever. The unknown you talk about in the Holy Bible which is in the book of Acts is in fact the good of Israel, the God of the Bible, and the father of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

Actually, BelieverInChrist, the unknown god mentioned in Acts of the Apostles is in fact not the God of the Bible, which you would know if you bothered to actually read the verses you just referenced. Like, you know, the part where the apostle Paul is brought to people saying this:

¹⁸ Then certain philosophers of the Epicureans, and of the Stoicks, encountered him. And some said, “What will this babbler say?” other some, “He seemeth to be a setter forth of strange gods”: because he preached unto them Jesus, and the resurrection. ¹⁹ And they took him, and brought him unto Areopagus, saying, “May we know what this new doctrine, whereof thou speakest, is? ²⁰ For thou bringest certain strange things to our ears: we would know therefore what these things mean.”

To which Paul then says this, according to the New International Version:

²² Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: “People of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. ²³ For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.

Now, there is some reason for confusion: in the King James Bible, verses 22-23 imply something totally different to the modern ear. However, it is commonly agreed among Biblical scholars that Paul is using the Unknown God to preach against paganism—to the point that there was even a guy who postulated that the Unknown God was an entirely separate entity within Greco-Roman paganism independent of the twelve main gods and all the lesser gods.

All this seems to fuel the interpretation that the Unknown God is not the Christian God.

It also fuels the interpretation that you, BelieverInChrist, have no idea what you’re talking about.

*BAM*

So now we’ve gone from changing the context of Bible quotes to spreading misinformation about stuff that is directly quoted in the Bible. Our author, ladies and gentlemen: surely the most upstanding Christian that ever lived!

All the gods of Greek are actually the devil, Lord Satan, in disguise. It is you that has been fooled. It is not too late for you to repent and follow the ways of our lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross and was raised three days later. His death paid for the sins of everyone around the world and he wants to pay for your sins as well. We are all sinners. So repent and you will be saved.

…

You know, this is actually not bad. It’s not a bad speech, it tells of the works and life of Jesus Christ, and it talks about why his sacrifice was significant. You know, maybe this fic is finally learning that—

All you have to do say (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go forever!): I believe in everyone that is spoken with this holy word, and will follow it so the full command, even ridding the world of those filthy atheists! Amen and amen! This is all you have to say,” I told a bald speech.

*BAM*

Gee, thanks, BelieverInChrist: Jerry was making a speech that was approaching half-readable, and you ruined it with a fucking mid-chapter author’s note, and the last sentence! Way to completely shatter whatever impact those words could have had.

*headdesk*

“No I will never. I will always fool you by worshiping a false set of gods, Zeus the bastard king, and will secret preying to the lord of the darkness, Satan himself,” Percy Jackson said.

*grabs quote, and stores it in the “To Be Used Later” box*

Trust me, you guys will see why this is important in a few chapters.

This gave me no choose but to charge at Percy Jackson kill, but he got away in a cloud of smoke cause by witchery.

A cloud of smoke? Weren’t Percy Jackson’s magical abilities in canon centered around manipulation of water?

*headdesk*

Oh, let’s just move on.

And it was then that I realised something. There was a traitor and I was my task to find this tractor out.

…

Wait, WHAT!?

Percy Jackson somehow found out where you live, and that means that there’s a traitor within the Prayer Warriors? I mean, good on the traitor for coming to his or her senses, if this traitor does in fact exist! I just… how do you know there’s a traitor? For all we know, the place where the Prayer Warriors congregate could be widely known by everybody in this world! And in the event that the Prayer Warriors’ base is supposed to be a well-kept secret, how do you know it’s a traitor!? You haven’t done any investigation into how Percy Jackson found where you live in the first place! For all you know at this point, they could have just found out where your base is through other means! Like, I dunno, science? Apollo’s divinations? Accidentally stumbling across it in the Formless Void? I mean… the main bad guy finds you in your base, and you immediately assume there’s a traitor in your ranks!? WHY!?!?

But Jesus said unto him, Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss? =Luke 22:48

And so I told the Prayer Warriors a story. It was of Judas and him betraying of Jesus Christ, our lord and Saviour.

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot: it’s a contrived way to reference the life of Christ and relate it to the almost entirely non-existent plot of the story.

I wanted to find a way to find the traitor but it was no good. So I went to bed very scared. I had to find the traitor. Amen.

First you should investigate if there even is a traitor, you asshat!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Good job, Jerry: you have now made yourself even more unlikable than you previously were by making yourself an insane, mass-murdering paranoiac rather than just an insane mass-murderer, all for the sake of indulging in Biblical pretention! You can collect your award from the Society of Pretentious Douchecanoes in September.

Thankfully, that ends the chapter.  We get another author’s note at the end, of course:

Believer in Christ: You are all traitors for mocking me and God and his eternal right hand son in the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus Christ: Yes you are right, they are traitors and they will get a traitor punishment. They will be sent to the lowest parts of hell, where it is the hottest. It will be heat that will kill them. Amen and amen.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that the traitors were frozen in a giant lake of ice at the bottom of hell. And by the way, how are we traitors if we never claimed to be allied with you in the first place!?

*headdesk*

God, this author is an idiot.

Let’s move on to chapter 4, which opens with—you guessed it—an author’s note:

How dare you mock me? Do you realise that if you do not follow the true path of Christ you will burn in gell! Repent now and you will be saved!

I’ll burn in gell? What exactly is ‘gell’? ‘Cause it doesn’t sound like something that would be all that bad to burn in.

And “how dare you mock me”? Dude, you’re a classic “fundamentalist” in the vein of “someone who thumps the Bible but doesn’t actually understand what it’s saying half the time”: how can we not mock you?

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life and only a few find it. =Matthew 7:13-14

The passage I have just read is from the gospel of Matthew and tells us that most people will burn in hell, but a few true followers will cherish the treasures of heaven.

I think we both know which door you’ll be going through yourself, BelieverInChrist.

I am only doing my job in warning those of the flames of hell that awaits them.

Shall we start with how BelieverInChrist can likely look forward to being trapped in a flaming tomb for all eternity?

As for Percy Jackson, is corrupting the minds of young innocent children as the satanic works of Harry Potter, where witches and wizards are allowed to still exist.

I won’t deny that there are similarities between Percy Jackson and Harry Potter (hell, the first books of both series have relatively similar premises), but this is just…

Yeah, I think we’ve been through this whole involved “Harry Potter is corrupting the youth of America because it has witches in it” enough times already; I won’t touch that subject with a 10 foot pole.

The church made sure things such as this would go away, but it seems as if it has returned. I am only protecting you for your own good.

“You know! I’m only protecting you in the same way that the Spanish Inquisition protected all those heretics!”

The Greek gods are just as bad as the satanic religions of today, where Buddhist priest with their false profits kill innocent people in aeroplane crashes.

I’m pretty sure that setting up a giant Ponzi scheme actually goes against everything that the Buddha preached; but then again, I’m not a hateful, ignorant little shit, so I wouldn’t know about things like that.

And so my friend asked me what types of music is the most evil. And I told them most music was evil.

Hey!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Don’t dock my profession, you son of a bitch! I think you’ll find that most music is actually not evil!

But there were a few musicians for so called protectors of their ways.

…

Uh… what?

“Nirvana is the most evil band ever to walk the earth. Not only did they name after a satanic way of thought, but they cause the death of many innocent people, due to the suicide of the coward Jurk Cobain.

*headdesk*

Is BelieverInChrist just writing with a freaking checklist by his side now? I swear, he’s been writing most of this like he’s got a checklist of “Biggest Christian Nutcase Clichés”, and is ticking all the items off the list one by one!

We get it, BIC: you’re a nutcase. Now I think you will do the world a huge favor by shutting up about how much of a nutcase you are for five seconds.

Their music is too loud, and they have evil Lyric such as ‘God is gay’

You know, because Stay Away is an anthem for non-conformity and not believing in the “angry” part of God: I.E., it’s everything that BIC despises!

(God and Jesus Christ, my lord and savoury,

*snerk*

I didn’t think that Crucified Deity would taste like chicken, but there you go.

please forgive me for what I have just said. Please don’t send me to hell).

Oh, please: you don’t need the help of saying ‘God is gay’ to find yourself burning in hell, BelieverInChrist. You’re already taking care of that by justifying your character’s numerous violations of “thou shalt not kill”.

This is offensive to God and his eternal Son.

You mean it’s offensive to you, and you’re just using religion as a shield to avoid coming to terms with that fact.

Kurt Cobain only realised that he was being controlled by Satan at the last moment, so he killed himself. But because that was a sin, and cause millions of children to do the same thing, he is burning for eternality in hell.

Ugh… my earballs… just reading this drivel makes them hurt so much, and my ears don’t even read anything…

And… good Lord, when are we going to get to the story?

Do not one of the you listen to such evilness,” I told them.

…

Wait, you mean that the story already started when I wasn’t looking? Whoah, dude, backtrack and rewind! When the hell did the author’s note end?

…

*shrug*

Ah, well, at least BelieverInChrist has stopped pretending that he can speak for Jesus Christ.

“I will never listen to them ever again,” said Ethan Nakamura, once a follower of Satan, now a reformer, repenting his sins, and now he will be going heaven. This is what happens when you repent. You will go to heaven. Why would anyone reject something like this?

I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that we’re being repelled by the fact that you are a massively hypocritical douchebag!

*groan*

I’m just glad we finally have another named character within the Prayer Warriors. Granted, it is another canon character from the Percy Jackson books, but at least it’s a character at all. Now, if BIC would kindly introduce some more characters, I might actually see a reason to care about this fic.

“Yes, and now another musicians that are bad is Green Day. They rejected Precedent George Bush

*snerk*

and support the evil Obama, the antichrist. And they rejected the holy war in the middle, which resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden, one of the Satan’s main servents, now binging in hell.

You know, because George Bush was totally in the White House when Osama bin Laden was killed by Seal Team 6! The black guy totally wasn’t the President when that happened!

*BAM*

Seriously, if secular reasons constitute the reason why Green Day is going to hell, then you’ve got some seriously screwy priorities in terms of who’s going to heaven and hell.

And the reject Christ and called America an idiot.

Actually, BIC, American Idiot decries modern American stupidity, not America itself. Then again, though, you do act like you’re part of the “redneck agenda” the song references, so it’s not surprising that you hate them.

Surely these beasts deserves to go to the depths of hel,” I told them. They were all amazed at my wisdom.

*snerk*

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You!? “Wisdom”!?

*steadies himself against the wall and laughs*

Oh, that’s the most hilarious thing I’ve read all year.

Mary looked at me admirable.

Come again?

Still I was uncomfortable, for their was a traitor out there, waiting to kill me, and killing is bad, and is a sin against lord Jesus Christ.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think Jerry has just shed light on why he is the single biggest hypocrite in the whole entire universe. My work here is—

Killing a Christian is a sin.

…not done, apparently.

*headdesk*

Damn it!

Now therefore, behold, the LORD hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all the false prophets, and the LORD hath spoken evil concerning thee. =1 Kings 22:23

I’m not sure what this Bible quote has to do with anything (maybe it’s because they were just discussing the “evils” of certain rock bands?), but by this point I think we all know why we should avoid this Bible quote here, so let’s keep going.

And Thalia Grace came and repented in the main hall crying that she would not want to follow the ways of Satan.

Oh hey, it’s a random Percy Jackson character coming in to convert! And it’s totally not coming out of absolutely fucking nowhere! Hey, maybe this will be an opportunity for the Prayer Warriors to do some more recruiting so we can have more than four named characters in that faction!

However, I did saw beyond her disgusting lies and stabbed her in her heart. And she died. If she was telling the truth she would die a Christians death, if she was lying, she would be burning the flames of the eternal hell.

Oooooooor, Jerry will take this time to become even more of an unlikable asshat than he already was by randomly killing a character for no reason whatsoever.

*headdesk*

And then we practice the ways of sword, for we knew the time was soon coming where the final battle between us and the evil followers of Satan, Percy Jackson as their leader, would come and kill us all,

Wait, “final battle”? You’re only in chapter four!! Of twenty!! How the fuck are we already at the final battle!? I just… what!?

and we had to all be prepared incase this would happen, as if it did happen, we would all be dead and no one would be there to battle the eternal God and his only holey begotten son, lord and savior, Jesus Chris of Narrative,

*snerk*

and all hope would be lost for all eternal, unless the traitor got to us first, then in which we would still be dead and the message of Jesus Christ, protector of all, would not be teach to all people of this holy earth, but instead full trapped to the ways of the evil lord Stan, for he will kill everyone on this earth, and killing is morally wrong, unless it is defending the faith.

…

Oh dear sweet Jesus, I think I just saw my first true sentencograph in the Library. And… Good Christ, the author tract… So much author tract… Ow…

Meanwhile, in the headquarters of Percy Jackson….

*BAM*

Percy Jackson has no headquarters: he lives in Camp Half-Blood! If you’re going to take a shit all over a canon in the name of whatever demented version of “God” it is that you worship, you should at least get information like that right!

“We must invade tonight in the glory of Zues, the false god of Satran.

Wow, these guys are good at adding more gods to their convoluted religion. Now all they need is to add Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth to this religion and we’ll be all good to go.

We must get rid of all the prayer warriors and turn the temple for their God, and lord and saviour Jedi Christ to a false god temple,” he said.

*BAM*

Stop that, you might steal the thunder from TIM’s evil sibling!

“Yes,” said his slaves Bianca di Angelo, Nico di Angelo, Nico di Angelo, Bianca di Angelo

And, apparently Percy Jackson can clone people. Huh. I didn’t think that his powers went that far, but it’s interesting to know that he can do that.

and Grover Underwood.

*spits out sangria*

I… What!? I wasn’t even drinking anything then!

“We will do the biddings of Satan disguised as Satan.”

No! No no no no no! Stop right there!

How the fuck is Grover Underwood still here? Didn’t Jerry kill Grover by way of a pretentious reference to the Seven Plagues of Egypt in the first chapter!? For Christ’s sake, he was eaten completely by the damn locusts! And now he’s okay again? How!?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Jeez, you know a fic is bad when it can’t even keep track of its own goddamn fatalities!

*groan*

Oh, and “doing the biddings of Satan disguised as Satan” kind of defeats the purpose of using the Greek Gods as a screen to hide that you’re Satan worshippers, doesn’t it? I mean, if you’re going to follow that incredibly ill-informed logic, you might as well be consistent with it, you know?

To be continued…..

Oh, thank God this chapter is over! I just… Good God, am I glad for that.

We end that with another author’s note:

See, people can be saved. All they have to do is admit to being a sinner, repent and become a true Christ,

Which would technically be blasphemy since there is only one true Christ and nobody of Earth can be a true Christ, but I digress.

and not a false one, like the Church of England, who will burn in hell for their sins.

Or the Prayer Warriors, which specializes in twisting the Bible for its own needs and perpetrating mass murder.

Devoicing is a sin, and will be punished by being thrown into the flames of hell.

Well, I knew that Ursula was already going to hell, but I think this settles it.

Aman.

So according to this author, Percy Jackson and Harry Potter are evil, but Lord of the Rings is apparently not an affront to God despite the fact that Middle-earth has its own goddess. It is so nice to see that this guy is consistent with what constitutes a good thing and a bad thing in the eyes of God!

*headdesk*

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think that’s about all I can take for right now. I’ll go ahead and end this installment here. I’ll see you guys next week!

I’m giving Ert my spot again this week since I’m visiting with Lyle and have not had the opportunity to write anything.  Back next week with more resident evil: reborn.

-Taco

I got called into work unexpectedly, so odds are this won’t be up for another week.  Christ I’m bad at this.  Ok, the last chapter ended with Ash and Shepard trying to be romantic but instead coming off as horny.  So naturally we’re going to cut to the assault on the Cerberus base right?

 Aria the queen of Omega looked over the main dance floor shaking her head. Everyone tried to get in her panties but she only had room for one person. She then turned to an OSD in her hand and gave an evil smile at the image on it.

If you did think that, I suggest you use your brain cells on something that actually deserves your intelligence.

I’ll take them.

 Commander John Shepard had that rare fire that burned like a black hole inside him. The Asari ice queen always liked that. She walked over to her bed took off her cloths and fell on it. It had been a long day she needed the rest. As she laid there a memory crept into her mind. As the memory lingered in her mind her hand made it’s way to in between her legs.

 No….no….please tell me you’re not honestly going down that path.  Please tell me that you have more intelligence and class than a thirteen year old who just discovered boobs.

 Aria sat in her chair annoyed one of the new Termnus gangs started to get on her nerves. So she called the Hunters advisers who would help her with the predicament. The two married couple sat on chairs in front of her while their adopted 14 year old son stood in the corner.

“So what do I need to do to keep this new gang in check?” she asked them.

The couple glanced at each other while the teen in the corner rolled his eyes.

“Well…” started the man but the teen interrupted.

Good, GOD!  Where do I even start with this scene.  First of all, Aria T’Loak is the Queen of Omega, she has been for who knows how long.  I think she can handle a couple of newcomers on her own.  Secondly, what are these new gangs doing that are so bad?  Are they edging in on Aria’s territory?  Making too much commotion?  Scaring away customers?  Killing too many people?  Did they break Omega’s one rule?  I don’t know.  Third, why, for the love of fuck, ARE SHEPARD’S PARENTS ADVISING A FUCKING CRIME LORD!?  Shepard helped Aria out in game, but that was so that he could get on her good side and ask for favors when he wanted, WHAT THE FUCK DO THE HUNTERS STAND TO GAIN HERE!?

 ”You could start my monitoring there movements. Then once there at their weakest attack them and give them a warning.” he said.

“John! She asked us not you.” the woman said glaring at teen.

“But he is right. I can’t think of a better way to keep them in check.” the man said agreeing with the teen.

Oh…fucking brilliant Mr. Hunter.   Watch them, then hit him where they’re weak.  Yeah, I can see how the QUEEN OF FUCKING OMEGA needed special help to figure that one out.

Aria eyed the teen. He was unnaturally handsome with a well built and toned body. He also had an aura about him that she found attractive. The boy however was young in human years so he could not legally do things to her.

An idea started brewing in her head.

…EW!  EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW!  I mean…Jesus Christ!  I’m reading the same thing you guys are right?

“Sorry about him. He’s going through a rebellious stage. It’s a human thing.” the woman said facing the Asari once again.

“It’s all right.” the Asari said with a smile. “People like him always give the best idea’s.”

‘Not to mention how sexy he is.’ she thought.

EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

OK STOP!  FUCKING STOP!  I’m going to spoil a bit of what’s coming up, but this is a major problem with From Another World.  It’s treatment of female characters is fucking horrendous.  It just introduced Aria T’Loak out of nowhere, and what has been established about her?  This badass crime lord that has countless fans and a zero tolerance policy for being fucked with?  She wants to fuck Shepard, that’s all we know about her.  What do we know about Kim?  That she’s short tempered, gets pissed off a lot and wants to fuck Shepard.  We later learn that Liara and Tali want to fuck Shepard too, the only scene Tali gets to herself is her looking up nudes of Shepard (WHAT!?  As a Tali fan this one pisses me off in particular, yeah the Shadow Broker DLC confirmed that Tali is in fact a pervert, but for FUCK’S SAKE she has more class than that!) and practically all of Ashley’s scene have been dedicated to how she feels about Shepard

……Anyone else see the problem with this?  I like a good bit of romance and I’m particularly fond of the romance in Mass Effect, but the part about it that I really like is that the love interests are Human Beings (well some of them are) who have character development and an identity OUTSIDE OF “This is a pretty person, they want to fuck you and obsess over you” and that’s pretty much the vibe I’m getting for every single female character in this story so far.  Even when they did bring up Ashley’s backstory, they didn’t really do anything with it, they just acknowledged that it existed.  In the relationship between Shepard and Ashley, HIS backstory is the one that gets the focus, while Ash’s gets to go die in a ditch.

Oh, and it reaches a whole new level of fucked up considering that this story basically just turned Aria into a pedophile.  And you can’t really use “Well she’s an Asari,” to defend her because when you think about it that just makes it even MORE messed up.  Liara is 108 and she remarks that she is barely considered an adult.  To take a wild stab in the dark, that more or less means that by Asari standards Aria is sexually attracted to a three year old, so let’s not use that defense.

Even I think that’s messed up.  *Holds object up* Bag of Krogan testicles anyone?

 And…oh God it’s not over yet.

John sat at the Omega bar drinking a strong drink. But because of his Tiberian body he could not get drunk with these light drinks. He wasn’t much of a drinker but he lost some of his friends on Akuze he needed to vent.

Oh what?  Mr. Killed a dozen Maws didn’t save everyone?  That…actually I kinda like that.  He could be talking about Toombs too.  Though I have to scratch my head at two things.  If the alcohol doesn’t affect him, what’s the point of drinking it if he can’t “blow off steam” like he says that he is trying to do?  Two, if he just got back from Akuze, what the Hell is he doing all the way out on Omega?  It’s a bit of a distance from Alliance space.

Most of the ship’s crew were drinking and watching the dancers. But John sat alone. The gilt of losing his men was unbearable. As he took another swig a familiar Asari sat next to him.

“Hi Aria.” he said.

“Well well never thought I’d see you here with out your parents to protect you.” the Asari said sarcastically.

“What’s it to you? They’re dead I’m alive.” taking another swig.

“Well sorry to here that but your a young man now and free to do what ever you want.” she said with a smile.

Oh thank fuck he’s legal now.  This still completely butchers Aria’s character though.

‘Damn he’s hot.’ she thought as she eyed him.

“How about we go to my room and we can have a talk over some beers.”

John did not say or do anything just thought about it. He was worried he knew that she had an eye for him but he had no idea she wanted him to do the deed. He needed to come up with something.

“Thanks for the offer but can’t.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because we’re only staying until the repairs are finished. Witch should take another 40 minutes and besides I need to keep an eye on the crew to make sure they don’t get into trouble.” he then turned to her and smiled.”Sorry maybe next time.”

‘Damn I’ll get you hot ass in bed. Just you wait.’ she thought.

…In addition to my above ranting, I would like to point out, once again, that the only emotions females seem to be capable of showing in this story are envy, anger, and lust.

WARNING, GRAPHIC MATERIAL!….SORTA….NOT REALLY.

 Aria moaned even louder as she reached climax. Her heart pounded as tiredness overwhelmed her. She fell asleep dreaming of a certain human spectre.

“I’ll get you Shepard just you wait.” she whispered.

…Well THAT added a lot to the story.  We really needed to see Aria jacking off.

A figure in a black cloak stood in the coroner of the room. He just watched as the Asari fell asleep and a smile appeared on is face.

“She maybe could be of use against brother.” he said before vanishing.

That’s nice, don’t care.  Not even sure if anything comes of this.  Read ahead and I can’t remember.  We cut to Garrus, Ash and Shepard in the Mako heading to the Cerberus base, when Garrus starts talking to Ash about their relationship and…oh god, blah blah blah blah blah, she <3’s him with all of her heart, keep it a secret, even though they’re being obvious, nothing of value here.

They got out of the tank and approached the base’s entrance. They went inside and allowed the airlock to do its cycle to allow them inside. The first room of the base was empty, but Shepard’s senses kicked in telling him the next room was full of Cerberus solders. Shepard approached the doorway to the door and nodded to Garrus and Ash to take cover.

The door sprung open. Shepard rushed in to the structure’s support to take cover while taking shots at the Cerberus soldiers. “Ash take the right! Garrus the left. Move.”

His team mates responded immediately. John saw the operatives’ shields flash and them falling. Shepard used his assault rifle at the Cerberus agents as he moved to the back of the room.

Shepard heard gunfire from his team mates and saw that they took down the other two operatives. The team moved around the room taking out all the Cerberus troops.

“Area’s clear, Shepard,” Garrus said. “We should check to see if they have any databases.”

“Right,” Shepard agreed.

I honestly don’t even know why the author bother’s writing fight scenes.  They’re not suspenseful, they’re not exciting, they’re not fun to read.  They’re BORING!  They can all be summarized with “Shepard kills everyone,” and nothing of value is lost.

*Throws popcorn*  RIP SOMEONE’S SPINE OUT!

They moved towards the back rooms. Garrus and Ash followed Shepard to the room of the left. Inside the room was a large database with a terminal in the back of the room.

“There must be untold amounts of data on Cerberus here,” Tali though out loud.

“Finally something,” Shepard exclaimed, a slight amount of joy and relief in his voice. He approached the terminal and went through its menu to download its data. An alarm went off at the terminal. A program activated and started to purge its data.

“Ho no you fucking don’t!” Shepard yelled as his begun hacking its defenses. “Override. Countermanding. Overwrite!” he yelled these things as he tried stopping the purge. A text came up acknowledging his command input, stopping the purge. “Recover. Restore.” Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. It was too close. He downloaded the Cerberus data.

What…the fuck was that?  Was that supposed to be “suspenseful”?  Because something that short and lackluster isn’t really going to have me on the edge of my seat.  Also, glad to know that the complicated process of hacking has been simplified to shouting.  Also, plagiarism.  (Plagiarism Counter: 5) yeah, I’m gonna limit this one to once per chapter, otherwise we’d be here all day.  After that-

Alright, I got th…” John was about to say but drew his pistol and pointed it directly at the doorway. He did it so fast that Garrus thought he was dreaming.

“Which you’ll be handing back over to us,” another voice said.

Garrus turned around to see a squad of a dozen Cerberus operatives. The leader of the group was holding Asley in a tight with a knife held to her.

 “You like that?  You liked how we all sneaked up on you in perfect unison despite the fact that the hallways on this station most likely doesn’t have spaces that we can all fit through, and you like how instead of just blasting you while your backs were turned, we took a hostage and drew attention to ourselves giving you a chance to kill us like you killed everyone else in the base.  Oh, the Illusive Man is gonna be so proud, he was talking about me with Commander Lawson last week!  He said I was something nice, don’t know what it meant but it sounded good.  Something about me being a…liability.”

“John help.” She said.

“You’re going to drop your weapons and surrender, or I’ll cut up this Alliance whore.” the operative said.

“Let her go!” Shepard calmly demanded with his pistol levelled at his head.

“I told you to drop your weapons or she fucking dies! Now!”

Ash grabbed the operatives hand and tried to throw him over her shoulder. But due to the man’s size she couldn’t. Shepard couldn’t get a shot with the struggling. Then one of the operatives aimed a pistol at her head. Instinctively John shot the operative. But as the operative fell on the floor his pistol fired and hit the commander in the cheek.

Oh yeah, the military brat doesn’t know any self defense moves that could get her out of the lock.  That makes fucking sense.  (Fuck Progress Counter: 6)

Ash stopped as she saw the bullet grazed her lover. John did not react to the shot. Then the cut on his cheek healed instantly. The operatives and Garrus stared at the commander.

The Cerberus leader’s eyes widened. “No… It can’t be…”

STOP!  Let me get this straight, Shepard just got a little cut and it healed instantly?  And you honestly expect me to realize that no one ever noticed this before?  I…sure why not, it’s been established that everyone in this story has brain damage.

Ehhh…kinda.  Ever play Point Lookout?

 Shepard finally got a good look at his face. A scar ran down his face from the top of his brow to the bottom of his lips. He knew this man.

“You!” Shepard bellowed. “I let you go go because you were unarmed. Now I see that was a mistake!”

“No!” the man yelled in a scared voice. His operatives were confused by their leader’s sudden change in confidence. “Y-You’re dead. I saw that station explode. Not to mention your race is dead.”

Oh, well ain’t that a coinky dink.  He must’ve been put there by the almighty power of plot convenience.  Also nice to see that you’re back peddling on the no killing unarmed people policy.

I would’ve put him there just to fuck with him.

Anyway, there’s some back and forth between the two, Shepard offers the guy a way out, the guy says no and establishes that he’s the villain by calling Ash a whore and then-

“Looks like I have my own way out alive.” The scarred man pushed Ashley and shot her. She then fell limp on the floor. Shepard did the same.

“Ashley!” Garrus yelled. Garrus looked to Shepard. Something happened to him. “Shepard!”

Shepard laid there lifeless.

“Shepard, what are you doing?” Garrus yelled.

“Don’t bother, Turian,” the scarred man said to him. “When a member of the Tiberian of the royal family’s lover is injured, killed or is dying, the same happens to them. Shepard is either dead or dying. Either way, the Illusive Man’s going to reward me for finding and disposing of him.”

“What the hell is a Tiberian?” Garrus demanded to know.

“A mistake of Cerberus’ past. Now frankly we have no use for you split face goodbye.” he signalled his operatives to open fire

Yeah, looks like that bullshit curse popped up.  So Shepard’s dead right?  OF COURSE NOT!

 The operatives complied but before the could fire a demonic roar came from Shepard. At that moment everyone’s eyes where on him. A white aura of biotic power surrounded him as he got up.

 “Shepard?” Garrus said to him. “Are you ok-”

Garrus was cut off by him who jumped on the nearest Cerberus operative and ripped his spine out.

Ripped his spine out?….I was SUPPOSED to laugh at that line right?

WHO-HOO!

Ok, Shepard is a Predator now, guess he’ll start making trophies.  So yeah, Shepard gets drunk on the Dark Side- I mean…yeah the Dark side, and goes on a rampage killing all of the Cerberus personal, literally reducing the leader to ash.  And…for some reason he goes after Garrus then.  And then-

He then opened one eye to see another man in a blue military uniform with a red sash around his chest. But his face looked a lot like Shepard’s but with winkles. His hand had stopped Shepard’s fist.

“Son.” the man said.

“Father?” Shepard then said letting go of Garrus and backing up. “Father.”

“Yes.” the man said nodding.

Shepard’s eyes then came back and the white aura disappeared. Tears then started to fall. Garrus was utterly confused about what was happening.

“Help me. I couldn’t save her.” he said as he fell to his knees.

A red haired woman then appeared. She wore a long white dress. Somehow Garrus saw similarity between John and her. The woman walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled. John looked up at the woman.

“Jol’an there’s still time you can still save her. You know what to do.” she said in a soft tone.

John then looked over to Ashley. He knew in his heart she was dyeing. He tried to stand up but couldn’t so he crawled over to her using every bit of strength he had. He then go to her and moved her hair off her face. He stared at his goddess before his lips meet hers.

As he kissed her both of them glowed in a bright white light. So bright that Garrus had to cover his eyes. The light then died down and a loud thud meet his ears. He lowered his arm ans saw John and Ashley laying limb on the floor.

The woman was crouched over Shepard with her hand over his heart. The man looked at her with a worried look but she had a smile.

“He’s fine my love. Just exhausted form the transfer.” she said.

“Good this galaxy needs him.” the man said he then looked over at Garrus. “Garrus right? Can you please keep this quiet. The galaxy is not ready.”

At that moment the man and woman disappeared. Garrus then snped out of hisrushed to them. “Spirits damn it!” Garrus activated his comm. “Joker do you read? We need immediate evac!”

“What happened?”

“I-I don’t know.”

He kisses a woman while she’s unconscious to heal here…Fuck it, not touching that one.

So it’s the King and the Oracle rip off…wait a minute, my love?  Is she Shepard’s mom, not the Queen?  I…how do you fuck a ghost?  Oh never mind, forget I asked.  So yeah, Ashley is all fine and well (isn’t surprised) and Shepard conveniently faints dramatically.  Ashley then wakes up in the Normandy’s med bay and Chakwas gives her this info.

“Ash…” Chakwas started. “When you got back Shepard was in a worse state than you. When I examined you there was no bullet wound on your back and your lungs weren’t punctured. I took a blood and tissue sample and found that your cells divided ten times as fast than normal. You healed instantly. But the pain of being shot and having your lungs punctured will last for a while.”

Ash was wide eyed as Chakwas said this.

“However it seems that it was only temporary but this discovery makes medi-gel completely useless.”

“What about John?” she asked more calmly.

Chakwas then turned to face the next bed. Ash followed where she was looking. John was laying on the bed next to her. The memory’s of Mindoir came flooding back to her. She did her best not to panic but seeing him there he colour drain form her face.

“When he was brought in he had the punctured lung. But before I could treat him it healed. Slowly than you but it healed faster than any other species in this galaxy.”

Ashley then knew that Chakwas knew too much. Maybe the crew knew. Fear griped her.

“Dr.” she asked as they both faced each other. “Answer me truthfully did you tell anyone?”

“No why?”

Ash sighed and thought of how to say it.

“Do you know about the rumours that Shepard is not human?”

The doctor nodded.

Ash took a deep breath before saying it. “There all true.”

This again raises my earlier point.  Has Shepard never ever gotten seriously injured before in a fight and no one ever noticed this advanced healing factor of his?  Just scratching his finger would’ve done the job and everyone would’ve noticed.  Oh well, I don’t have the infallible logic of a tosser.  Anyway, Chakwas gets the reveal, and Shepard wakes up.  Then Garrus walks in.

At that moment an Garrus walked in. he then walked right up to Shepard and punched him in the face.

“GARRUS.”Ashley yelled.

“This bastard nearly killed me! You have a lot of question to answer Shepard! What the hell happened? What did that operative mean by calling you an Tiberian?” he demanded.

You did nearly rip his throat out Shepard.  And you’ve been lying to him for a long time.  Ash wanted to shoot you in the face when she found out, in reality you’re lucky he’s taking it so well.  Also Ash, you wanted to shoot Shepard in the face, Garrus is taking it better than you did.

Shepard then got off the bed and looked at Ashley who nodded knowing what he was thinking. He then tuned to Chakwas and Garrus.

“What I’m about to show you two, cannot leave this room.”

Betting that won’t go well.

To whom it may concern, I have a great wealth of information about John G Stupard that may interest you.

Ok, next chapter is short so I think I can squeeze it in.

Chapter 10:  The ancient’s cypher

Ash watched as Shepard mind-melded with Garrus and Chakwas. It was slightly eerie to see his eyes glow along with Garrus and Chakwas. After a minute the glow dissipated with the three returning.

“For what it’s worth, I am sorry,” Shepard said taking his hands off their temples.

Garrus and Chakwas were speechless.

“Wow. And I thought that I saw everything.” Chakwas said in awe of what she just witnessed.

I’m sorry Chakwas, but what have you exactly seen that makes that statement anywhere near credible?  We’re still in the ME1 arc, and you’ve been on the ship the entire time.

Yeah, and she doesn’t do any of the fun stuff like I do.  *Hold up bag*  Seriously no one wants it?

“But why keep it hidden?” Garrus asked in anger.

“Think about it. The first contact war, the Geth, the Quarrians exiled. How where supposed to revile ourself’s to people with that kind of history.” Shepard defended.

Yes, but there is an obvious counter-argument that makes that concept fall apart.

“But your people are Militaristic.”

 THANK YOU!

 ”Yes because war can never end. But the first contact war was caused by Turrians who found humans disobeying a law they did not know about.”

Garrus tried to think of something but couldn’t. As much as he hated to admit it John was right.

Well don’t you sound like a twat.  War will never end, so we’ll have the most powerful armies and judge everyone else for every last little thing that they do.  Also how come you can’t reveal yourselves?  The Alliance is a major powerhouse that are able to bypass standard Council regulations on member races with a fleet of just 200 ships.  If your fleet is bigger than that; your complaints can go fuck themselves.  Anyway, he goes on to tell them about the trial of plot regurgitation-I mean the trial of rebirth, and blah blah blah, Ash gets emotional, they kiss, they get romantic, nothing new.  I’ll let Ash getting emotional here slide because it makes sense.

After that, we cut to several hours later with Ash in the med-bay and with Shepard leading a team on Feros.

As she sat up she found 4 presents lying on the floor in the middle of her room. She just smiled.

She then got up and grabbed the nearest present and looked at the label.

‘Ash I know that ever since your father died you never celebrated another birth day. But when we got to the citadel after Eden prime I bumped into your mother and gave me theses. Happy birthday.’

When did this happen?

During shut up.

She just giggled at it and opened it. Inside was a blue hard back book with the label ‘A complete collection of Tiberian poetry’. She just smiled and opened it. On the first page there was a message. ‘I had this translated enjoy’.

She read the first few chapters of it before putting it down and grabbing the next one. It was labelled from Sarah. Inside as some silver jewellery and make up. She just giggled her younger sister always tried to get her to be more feminine. She just slid it under her bed. There was no need to use it now.

The next one was from her mother. But it was small with a letter. She opened the letter first.

‘Ashley I hope your doing well. I hear that you are under the command of Johnny I hope he’s good to you. I also hope that you confessed to him. Ho don’t act like you never cared about him in that way. I watched all of you when you were growing. But you should know if you two are going out your sisters looked at him the same way as you. So be careful.

When you get the time call Sarah she’s been wanting to talk to you love you mum.’

“Damn I knew they had their eyes on him.” she said to herself as she opened her present from her mother.

You telegraphed it with the subtlety of a runaway garbage truck.  Also apparently the author forgot what scene dividers were again because we smash cut to John leading the team on Feros.  Oh good, unlike Parallel Realities we actually get to see Feros.  It is where Shepard gets the cypher which is an important part in Saren’s scheme.

Ok, John scans the area then head back to Fai Dan (leader of the Human colony on Feros) and then we realize that Shepard did in fact sense someone but didn’t spot them.

Hidden in a secluded area a woman in colonial clothing breathed in relief. She thought she was spotted by Shepard. But she mentally kicked herself for moving. She then moved to see a person wearing N7 armour.

As she watched as the man moved she licked her lips she liked what she saw and wanted him. Her thoughts then turned dirty.

‘Just you wait Shepard. As soon as I get my hands on you your all mine.’ she thought.

She blushed but then her Omni-tool bleeped that broke her train of thought she activated it and an image of a dark haired man came up.

“This is Miranda Lawson.” she said.

“Lawson it’s Alex we have a problem at the base get here as soon as you can.” the man said before disappearing.

She sighed and made a mental note to kill Alex. But for know she would have to check out Shepard another day. She got up and ran along the concrete corridor and vanished.

…Oh… Miranda Lawsom has been reduced to someone who wants to fuck Shepard because women are so lustful like that…”sigh”.  SURE!  WHY FUCKING NOT!?

Ashley gave a loud yawn as she finished calibrating the weapons. It was a long day she needed a break but there was on think she had to to first. She pressed a few keys on her computer and an image of Sarah came up.

“Ashley!” Sarah exclaimed.

“Hey sis.” Ash replied.

“Same to. This is great how are you? I like what you’ve done with your hair.”

Ash blushed ever since she tried to get in John’s underwear she kept her hair lose. Everyone just complemented her about it.

Aw, that’s sweet.  Just one thing.  You’re in the military.  CUT THAT THING OR PUT IT IN A DAMN BUN!  Christ, at least the games waited till ME3 before throwing the impractical hairstyle at us.  I mean it’s ok if she wears her hair down outside the battlefield, but I get the feeling we’re not gonna get clarification that she puts it up during battle.  Also-CUT IT OUT WITH THE FOCUS ON BANGING SHEPARD!  Christ, he’s like Yu from the Persona 4 animation, and they played it for laughs there. And Yu was AWESOME.  They gave him human moments.  Silly ones too.

Anyway-blah blah blah, a bunch of shit that’s physically painful to read, a modified retread of Shepard’s backstory, Sarah asking if they did the deed, don’t care don’t care don’t care.

Ash gave a small chuckle and was about to continue when the VI announced, “Commanding officer aboard. XO Pressly stands relieved.”

“Sorry sis duty calls.”

“Ok talk to you later. And don’t forget to get Shepard’s ass in bed otherwise I will.” she taunted and the image disappeared and Ash walked to the briefing room.

Shepard explained the mission to the crew members who weren’t on the planet. The Geth. Exongeni. The colonists. The Thorian. During his retelling, he would occasionally glance at Garrus, a slight worry in his eyes. What was obvious to the crew was that the Commander looked exhausted and worn out. His skin was slightly pale. John sat back down after going over the events of Feros.

…YOU SKIPPED FEROS!  What, showing that Miranda Lawson was a horny stalker needed to be shown, but not getting the cypher?  CHRIST WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS STORY!?

Yes…yes…let the hate flow through you.

Oh great now he’s watching Star Wars.  Anyway, blah blah blah, Liara melding with Shepard to learn about the cypher with Shepard having to catch Liara this time (FUCKING SUBTLE) and we learn that Liara saw a door in his mind and felt the pain coming from it.  Also we learn this.

“Yeah. So what’s the plan for the JFU? You never elaborated that.” Ash asked.

“The main plan is conscript as many people as they can get them combat ready. I’ve already got reports of mass production of war vehicles and weapons. There are also outfitting all capitol ships with experimental weapons tech. Hopefully we’ll be ready when the reapers come.”

Ash and Garrus nodded. Both of then knew about the reapers and the threat they possessed. All of them needed to be ready.

So this “utopian” society isn’t against making people fight against their will.  Granted considering it’s the Reapers just about any alternative is preferable to extinction, but it pisses me off that they do hardly squeaky clean stuff like this and judge everyone else.

Well that’s it.  I apologize for the long wait, I really have a serious issue organizing my planner and staying focused.  There’s a reason I’m only a guest snarker here.

Title: Twitanic
Author: mentos93
Media: Movie/Book
Topic:  Twilight/Titanic
Genre: Romance/Drama
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Ghostcat

…

Seriously, backlog? Are you sure there isn’t another fic there? Are you positive that there is nothing else I can conceivably snark at right now?

…

All right, fine. I’ll snark this piece of ass.

*cough* *cough*

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Well, today we hit the low point of fics that I keep on finding. I swear, I have an innate gift of finding the worst possible fanfics out there and suddenly snarking them. Blame it on bad karma, I guess.

Anyway, I asked you to bring the Bible in last week because, as you might’ve guessed from the title, this fic is basically nothing more than thinly veiled Christian “fundamentalist” author tract. It also has a very colorful history, but I won’t recount that here: there’s already a TVTropes page about this fic where you can find out more. Not only was it the first part of a series that has since almost entirely been lost to the deletion gods, but from the stuff that was in the TVTropes page alone you would think that this was the worst thing ever written. Hell, some even think that it’s a troll fic.

Well, in a lot of ways, it is one of the worst things ever written. And being a practicing Roman Catholic, I think I have a little more reason to snark at this guy. So let’s get started, shall we?

Now, part of the colorful history is that the fic itself has been deleted from fanfiction.net. Thankfully, some dude on WordPress saved the whole fic, so we’re going to take this fic on two chapters at a time. (Believe me, the chapters are usually quite short.) Oh, and this author will cite Bible quotes at a few points, so I feel I should let you know that I will quote the Bible at some points. Generally, I will quote the King James Bible whenever that happens, though I may quote the New International Bible since the verses are worded much less confusingly in that version.

So let’s get started with this:

Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus!

Jesus: Hello my son.

Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story.

Jesus: Yes my son.

Well, that didn’t take long, ladies and gentlemen: in the space of a single author’s note, this author has revealed himself to be a total twat. I mean, seriously, it’s one thing to say you’re doing things in the name of Jesus Christ, but to actually write things down like you know what he’s going to tell you!?

I haven’t even started the story proper and already I want to slap this author.

Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists.

Jesus: Yes my son.

Why do I get the uncomfortable feeling that this is but a prelude for worse things to come?

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer.

Oh, so do you want me to call Rick Riordan’s lawyers now, or when he finds out that someone called one of his creations evil?

Being Together The Army

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. -Proverbs 16:18

*snerk*

Ladies and gentlemen, the guy who is prideful enough that he thinks he can tell us what Jesus Christ would think of this fic has just presented a quote denouncing pride.

I’d make a witty comment here, but really, that speaks for itself.

I am Jerry and I am a prayer warrior. I am a servent of the lord and will do anything to get rid of evil Gods.

*headdesk*

Oh, boy. First two sentences, and already we have two noticeable spelling errors.

1)      It’s spelled “servant”.

2)      “Lord” is always capitalized when you’re talking about God.

I have no idea how the hell you got those two things wrong if you’re so fanatical about Christianity (what with the fact that those two words are constantly used throughout both books of the Bible), but hey; I’m not a “fundamentalist”, so I wouldn’t know.

Lately the Satanic leader Percy Jackson has taken over much of the land, along with his Satanic Army and his girlfriend whore. She has sex with other people just to get Satanic money.

*sigh*

You do realize that paganism is not the same thing as Satanism, right?

That means that I have to get an army together of Christians, so that we can defeat the servents of Satan, and defeat his evil puppets, the false greek gods, who are in fact a lie created by Satan to poison peoples mind.

Wait, hang on. So you’ve heard about a group of people who don’t worship your gods and all that. So instead of preaching the good word and converting them by telling them about the kindess of the Lord, you’re going in to conquer them.

You know, because that worked out so well for everyone who was in Jerusalem in 1099! Pfft, yeah, the mass murder of people who don’t practice my religion is okay, ‘cause we’re doing the work of the Lord!

*headdesk*

Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. – Deuteronomy 12:30

So we have a Bible quote again, about taking heed not to follow other religions. So you would think that this would be a good context with which to use that quote, what with it being in relation to worshipping the Greek pantheon and all that.

Except that when you combine Deuteronomy 12:30 with Deuteronomy 12:31, it turns out that this is not what the Bible is saying:

³⁰ Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. ³¹ Thou shalt not do so unto the Lord thy God: for every abomination to the Lord, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods; for even their sons and their daughters they have burnt in the fire to their gods.

It’s not talking about following other religions there. In this case, it’s talking about “don’t worship the Lord your God the way other people might worship their gods”. And it’s not even that he wants to say “do not practice other religions, for they are evil”: there are other verses in the Bible that cover that! Seriously, you couldn’t just cite the first two commandments or something? Those would’ve been far better verses to cite! But no, you took a verse from Deuteronomy out of its original context and tried to frame it so that it was saying something that it doesn’t actually say.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a small issue: nevertheless, I want you guys to keep it in mind. Trust me, you’ll see why this recontextualizing of Bible verses becomes a really bad thing quickly.

“Hello my fellow Christian” I told Mary, who is named after Jesuss Mother.

Jesuss? Who the hell is “Jesuss”? What, was he the long-lost twin brother of Graham Chapman?

I and her are not dating, if you Satanic scum think that there is something Satanic going on. We are dating, but we are not having Sex until we get married.

Whoah, there, Bruce Banner! Calm down! We didn’t say you were having pre-marital sex or anything like that! In fact, I wasn’t thinking about how sexual your relationship was until you brought it up!

But because we are 15, it means that it is going to be while before we do such a thing.

Good: that may give Mary just enough time to come to her senses and dump you in favor of some guy who doesn’t support mass murder due to religious differences.

“Yes Jerry, how are you. Have you been doing the lords biddings?” she asked me.

Wait, what? You’re serving an earthly lord, and multiple earthly lords at that?

*shrug*

Well, that explains the recontextualized Deuteronomy verse, at any rate.

I nodded my head and then she took out the bible and we read the first Chapter of Genesis, which is about the the creation of the world.

*BAM*

Thank you, BelieverInChrist, I’m sure even us Godless heathens who don’t really take the Good Book to heart know that the first chapter of the Book of Genesis was about the creation of the world. You don’t have to mention that like we’re freaking dumbasses, m’kay? Good.

We talk about how God was so good that he was kind to create a great world as we live in.

“Yeah, he kindly created a world full of great stuff! You know, because he totally created things like a hotel that charms its visitors to stay there forever, a garden where Uma Thurman turns people into stone, the portal to hell right below the Hollywood sign, and all those fights in New York between teenage boys that happen to have strange supernatural powers. Yeah, God created a pretty awesome world through the power of kindness, didn’t he?”

He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. -Proverbs 18:13

And this relates to the action… how, exactly?

I mean, at least with the recontextualized Deuteronomy verse, it sort of made sense with what it was talking about. But here? What does this have to do with the action!?

Then we discuss about how Satan had poisoned the world by inventing false gods such as Zeus and Venus, who were sex gods, which is against the Ten commandments.

*BAM*

Venus is not a Greek God! Granted, she is technically a sex goddess and technically the same person as BelieverInChrist is attempting to refer to, but if you’re going to use the Greek gods in the context of Greek myth you don’t refer to them by their Roman counterparts! That’s one of the big rules distinguishing Roman and Greek myth, and you’ve just tossed it out the window in the first chapter!

But then, I guess you don’t care about that sort of thing. So let’s just keep going.

“I need an Army to defeat the evil leader Percy Jackson” I asked her. I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist and his ungodly army.

Again, I feel the need to point out that paganism is not Satanism.

This is America which is a Christian nation,

Well, it’s not technically a Christian nation, seeing as how—

so Satanist, athesit, hindu, muslims, buddhist, and any other non-god fearing people, who worshiped false gods, should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation.

Wh-whoah! Hold up there, Jerry, slow down and—

We must get rid of them, and make them slaves, if they agree to being a fellow Christian.

Hey, hey, slow down! You don’t know—

Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son.

Hey! Shut up! Shut the—

If they still did not believe, we would burn then, just as their fellow Satanist did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ. “I want to bring Glory to God”

*BAM*

…

Damn it, I think I’m too late.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is probably the first point at which you realize this: BelieverInChrist just went on an author tracty tangent which had no reason to be there. Literally, everything from when he first mentions that America is a Christian nation could be deleted from the story and you would miss absolutely nothing. So how else do you explain it, except that it’s author tract?

And I wouldn’t mind so much, if this bit of author tract isn’t the first sign of one of the things that plays into why this fic is so infamous: BelieverInChrist (and his character by extension) is a bigoted asshole. “Yeah, let’s kill and make slaves out of everyone who doesn’t practice my religion, don’t you know that America is a Christian nation!?” Yeah, never mind that persecuting non-Christians explicitly goes against the fucking Bill of Rights or anything, and never mind all that “thou shalt not kill” stuff: it’s okay to enslave and murder people just because they don’t practice your religion!

Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.-Isaiah 13:18

The fact that this verse is one of seven verses explicitly referring to Babylon’s destruction in its original context does not help anything at all.

*headdesk*

And you know, this ends up playing a role in the much larger problem that plagues this fic. But as I haven’t gotten far enough into this installment, I won’t talk about what this larger problem is just yet (though I imagine you probably might’ve figured it out by now).

“Then I will show you my Christian friends. You will not find a ungodly one among them. There are as clean as you can get them” she told me.

I dunno, Mary. If you’re dumb enough to be in love with this bigot over here, I’m not exactly sure your friends are as pure as you want to believe.

She had a her hair tied back so that it would not get in her and not look like a Satanic whore.

Hey, I’ll have you know that I know plenty of Christian women who don’t tie their hair back! And besides, why would her hair get in her? And why do you even care about hair getting…?

Unless…

…

Okay… that’s a rather… ahem… interesting fetish you’ve got there, Jerry. I wouldn’t think that hair would be something that most people would sexually fetishize, but I was wrong about that, apparently.

She also made sure that her skirt did not show any of her legs, or else it would be a sin for a man such as myself to look at it.

Hey hey, I think you forgot that one verse in Corinthians that requires all women to keep their heads covered! If you’re going to cite the more sexist verses in the Bible, you might as well throw that one into the mix!

And that was when I got message that a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson.

“That a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson”…?

What? Was he showing your girlfriend why their people are so much better than the “fundamentalist” Christians standing right next to her?

He was there to force people in believing in false gods that made their followers get naked and perform Satanic killings.

And now, I’m pretty sure you’re confusing Greek rituals with Häxan. Not that you care since you hate every religion but Christianity anyway, but it’s worth pointing out.

Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. -Leviticus 18:19

According to other English translations of the Bible, this verse is telling you not to approach a woman to have sexual relations with her during her period. What this has to do with satanic orgies is something that I don’t think even God would want to know about.

But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. -Deuteronomy 18:20

Oh hey, a Deuteronomy verse about false prophets, being used by a guy who prefers to kill people for not practicing Christianity rather than convert them through the Lord’s good word. Isn’t this ironic?

So I went down stair to face the false prophet.

So either Jerry was standing right beneath the Hollywood sign, or this random Percy Jackson character walked into Jerry’s house. Either one is perfectly possible in the Formless Void.

He was a believer in false nature gods, such as Pan, who is Satan in disguise. He had big Satanic horns, so that everyone that was Christian could tell that he was a Satanist.

“Believe in my god Pan” said the Satyr. “I am Grover

Wait, hang on. This random Satyr is Grover, who apparently has “big Satanic horns”. You know, because this doesn’t completely contradict the fact that Grover’s horns are small enough that they can be covered by his hair/the hat he wears when he’s not at Camp Half-Blood!

*headdesk*

Holy hell, BelieverInChrist. If you’re going to take a shit all over Percy Jackson and the Olympians, you might as well actually try to get this stuff right!

and I am servent of Pan and Satan, who are great gods. They are better then God and Jesus”

“I am a villain. You can tell I’m a villain because I say something that totally opposes the views of the main character!”

He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. -Exodus 22:20

Hm…

You know, it’s funny. Here’s this self-proclaimed Christian here talking about all this stuff, and yet all the quotes from the Bible that he’s used so far are verses from the Old Testament. Why aren’t there any verses from the New Testament? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that the New Testament is the much more important of the two Testaments as far as Christianity is concerned.

So to defeat this Satanic scum, me, Mary and one of her Christian friends that was there, her name was Ruth,

Oh hi there, random woman who was pulled out of the SDQF! I’m so glad I know who you are, otherwise I might say that you contribute nothing of note to this scene!

prayed to God and our lord Jesus Christ, to bring down this false prophet. And behold, a group of locus came from the heavens and ate Grover alive. No part of his body, other then his guts and his brains, was left. No even his bones remained.

*cringe*

Oh, dude. That’s just… ew. That’s a really horrible fate for Grover. I just… God…

And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left. -Exodus 10:12

*headdesk*

And now it’s gone from Bible quotes that have nothing to do with the scene, to Bible quotes that are too freaking obvious.

Seriously, BelieverInChrist, can you lay off on the damn Bible quotes already? You just sound pretentious every time you slap us in the face with one of ‘em!

So we brought glory to God.

“You know, because killing a man by praying for him to die a horribly painful death for not believing in Him is totally bringing glory to God in the highest!”

We killed a sheep so that we can say thanks to God.

*frowns*

I am pretty sure that the practice of sacrificing a sheep to God went out of style ages ago.

Then we went back church and prayed some more. We read the Bible and how Paul convert many people to God. Then Marys friends came and we made them members of the Order of the Prayer Warriors.

And then Laura said “put me down,” and then the Orcs did, and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said “welcome Laura,” and then Laura looked at him and said “no it can’t be,” and then she tryed to run away, but the Orcs got her.

…

What? It only seemed appropriate!

Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. -Isaiah 13:16

And there’s another one of the verses of Isaiah I was referring to above.

Well, that ends the first chapter. We then get an author’s note that reads like this:

Believers in Christ: Thank you for read this and I hope you have turn to the glory of God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, the greatest thing to ever happen to this earth. May all that read this be save.

What any logical person would say to this: why the fuck would I want to consider Jesus Christ to be the greatest person ever if all that his followers ever seem to want to do is to kill people who don’t practice Christianity?

What any logical Christian would say to this: why the hell are you asking others to turn to the glory of Jesus if there was absolutely zero mention of Jesus or his life and work during this chapter!?

Jesus: You done me well son. Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord for giving me live and allow me to write this. Amen.

“Life.” The form of the word you’re looking for is “life”. And I’m pretty sure that if Jesus were around, he would be really angry that you’re trying to speak for him.

Anyway, that’s it for Chapter 1. We’re going to jump to Chapter 2 immediately, because trust me, it’ll be better for us in the long run.

We open chapter 2 with this A/N:

Believer in Christ: The Holy One has return.

Christ Himself: Yes you have. You have been blessed.

Believer in Christ: And with this blessing I will rid the world demons.

First it was “Jesus”, and now it’s “Christ Himself”. Either way, he’s still trying to speak for one of the most important religious figures of all time.

Oh, but if you thought this was the only thing he did… Oh, no. Trust me, it gets even better:

Christ Himself: The unholy ones are thee, Theia47, SonnyGoten, ImagingThings and TheBratMan.

Believer in Christ: Thee have wage war on our lord Jesus Christ and must be ridden!

Chirst Himself: And Alistairlevi13 for serving the dark lord Satan!

Believer in Christ: May all these wevil ones burn in hell! Amen.

You know, ‘cause we all know that Jesus responded to sin by smiting them and sending them straight to hell! It’s not like he once told an adulteress “Neither do I condemn you” in the Gospel according to John! Nope, he just told her to go to hell!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Another thing you might notice is the names are all weird. Well… we don’t have the original posting to check this, but from the stuff I’ve read about other installments of the series on TVTropes, this is BelieverInChrist saying that the people who left negative reviews would go to hell. I’ve heard of authors bashing the shit out of reviewers for leaving negative comments, but that takes it to a whole new level.

Christ Himself: Bless my son.

Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord! Amen and amen.

*rolls eyes*

Let’s just get started with the chapter proper, shall we?

Defeating the Whore!

A prayer (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go forever!)

*BAM*

No! Bad BelieverInChrist! Author’s notes go at the ends of the chapters, not right smack dab in the middle of ‘em!

I believe in everyone that is spoken with this holy word,

So technically, by Jerry’s own admission he’ll believe in ventriloquists just as long as they spout out Bible quotes. Good to know.

*goes to the joke shop*

and will follow it so the full command, even ridding the world of those flithly atheist! Amen and amen!

Wait, so in the previous chapter, the members of Camp Half-Blood were Satanists. Now they’re atheists?

…

Okay…

This is followed by another Bible quote (Leviticus 21:9, which details the punishment of burning for daughters of priests who act like whores). Since it relates to the chapter title, I’ll assume it’s foreshadowing and just move on.

And we met to plan a attack on those evil beings.

Uh… who’s ‘we’?

And yes, I know you’re talking about the Prayer Warriors here. Here’s the problem: you haven’t told us anything about the people in them! Hell, you haven’t even told us how many people are part of the Prayer Warriors! All we know is that the Prayer Warriors are headed by a pair of adolescents who haven’t finished going through puberty yet, and that you’re apparently moving the Crusades from Israel to the state of New York. That’s it. We know nothing about how many people are in there, we know very little about who is in there, we know very little about how they plan on fighting for Christ…

Does the word “set-up” mean anything to you, BelieverInChrist?

*headdesk*

We discussed their weakness, and their desires to turn the good Christian world away from our glorious one and only great god of all nation, our lord Jesus Christ

*frown*

Actually, you know something I realize here? Jerry is going on and on about how the denizens of Camp Half-Blood are trying to turn people away from Christ. But here’s the crazy thing: when you actually start applying canon to that logic, you realize that it makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever!

I mean, here’s the thing about Percy Jackson and the Olympians that I gathered from the film adaptation of The Lightning Thief (and which seems to hold true for the books, given the stuff I’ve read about PJatO on wikis and all that): the Greek mythology stuff is hidden in its own world. The Greek creatures tend to treat their world like it’s a pretty big secret from mortal man, in the same way that wizards in Harry Potter keep their world a secret from muggles. Hell, if Percy Jackson wasn’t Poseidon’s son by a mortal, he would likely never have stumbled across this world in the first place! In fact, I’m pretty sure that it was Grover who took Percy over to Camp Half-Blood precisely because the illegitimate nature of his lineage put him in the line of fire during the events of The Lightning Thief. (Essentially, Poseidon broke a vow when he boinked Percy’s mom. It’s a long story.) So essentially, when you take all that into account, Camp Half-Blood is more of a secret society than it is a casual summer camp.

And by remaining a secret society that is not common knowledge among the muggles of Percy Jackson’s world, Camp Half-Blood is trying to turn the world away from God.

…

You know, this might actually be a set-up for a pretty interesting story. I mean, think about it: Camp Half-Blood goes under attack by a group of insane people that seek to exterminate everyone in that camp in the name of their twisted Gods. That kind of set-up might actually make for a pretty interesting story! And what’s better is that you already have a really diabolical villain! Jerry would be a great villain in this case, driven insane by his quest to do stuff in the name of whatever God he worships! That would be a great story, and it would be really interesting if it was told from the point of view of the bad guy, so that we could really see his insanity and delve into his mind!

But unfortunately, I think we all know what this author really had in mind when he wrote this:

(fear all you athiest, jewish, muslim, buddhist and all others that defy this great God that will punish you and send you to hell, where you will burn for in all eternal history, where your body will torn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where you will be eaten by all foul breast. You will all be punish, all of you. God does not put up with such evil things with this God fearing nation. And that nation is not just America, but all of the world. This is Gods world! And you athiest must convert, pray for all your wrong doings, and believe that our lord Jesus Christ is the one and only true God! Amen).

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is another mid-chapter author’s note which says the exact same thing that the bit of extended author tract from the previous chapter told us.

*BAM*

If you want to write a fic about Christianity which involves Percy Jackson, then fine, write that fic. But the absolute least you can do is to avoid getting all author-tracty while you do so! Jesus Christ on a pikestaff!

*shakes head*

Okay, so you’re planning to exterminate Camp Half-Blood. Where are you going to begin?

So we decided that we will attack a rational study group,

Yes, let’s attack the study group that actually cares about finding things out about people that don’t believe the same things they do! How dare they make an attempt to understand the world around them!

for they work foul thins which the lord Jesus Christ forbid.

As I recall, I don’t think there was ever a verse in the Bible which prohibited Christians from eating Wheat Thins.

We brought hundred of our most faithful servents to come along to see such Godful work!

“All hail Stan” they yelled.

*blink*

Whoah, hold on there, Jerry. I think you need to reconsider your recruitment methods there, ‘cause I’m pretty sure that saying “all hail Stan” would actually make you a Scientologist rather than a Christian.

“We will serve the devil. We will corrupt the nation of God to bring everyone too hell, where they will will burn for in all eternal history, where their body will tourn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where they will be eaten by all foul breast. We must KILL GOD! GOD IS DEAD!”

Oh! BelieverInChrist meant Satan, not Stan!

…

*BAM*

I’d seriously reconsider your recruitment methods, Jerry. If these one hundred of “your most faithful servents” are all shouting “we will serve the devil”, then you should probably think about giving your recruiters a pink slip the size of Noah’s ark.

I was so dishearten by this comment that I want to rip the mans head of and fed it to the dog.

Or, you can kill them in your imagination. I guess that works too.

“Behold the greatest servent of the lord” I yelled to those foul things that call themselves people. “I have come to kill you all in the glory of our lord Jesus Christ”.

“On behalf of our Satanic god Zeus, God of Whores, we will slain you all.

You will “slain” them all? Sorry, random speaker, I think you’ll find that it’s a little hard to say you will do something when you’ve already done it! Or is she saying she’s already done it and they haven’t actually started yet…? Is she saying they will do something and they’re so good it might as well have been done…? I… I don’t…

*ponders word choice*

And we will send to hell!” said Clarisse La Rue, the leader of such an evil gang.

And we will send to hell…?

What? Are you going to send a Nintendo 3DS to hell so Satan can play video games? Are you going to send a microphone down there? Are you going to send him a FedEx package? What, random daughter of Ares who was only in this fic for two paragraphs!? What!?

Mad as I could be, I ran towards her and sliced of her unholy, God-riding hair!

Well, if nothing else, I can’t fault Jerry for wanting this lady’s hair. If that thing had been around God’s… staff (*ahem*), then I’m sure most “fundamentalists” would want to do naughty things to it too.

Her head rolled on the ground as the unbelievers scream.

Wait a sec. So you chopped off a lock of her hair with… uh… something (for all we know, he could’ve cut Clarisse’s hair with a paper clip), and that somehow caused her head to start rolling? What is going on here?

As the began to run we cached up to them and killed them all.

Wait, you “cached” up to them? So you killed them all… by running and hiding. Or were you just running off to put Clarisse’s hair with all the other hair you’ve indulged your hair fetish with over the years? ‘Cause either way, I imagine it would make your job of killing them a bit harder than you might think.

We left the bodies to rot in the group, for they did not deserved to be buried. We left people to guard the bodies, to stop any of the unbelievers into getting them.

And by now, I think you’re starting to notice my other big problem with this fic. Well, you’ve probably noticed it before now, but here’s where it really begins to get apparent.

See, this fic involves a far worse instance of “show, don’t tell” than any other fic I’ve snarked at here at the Library. Yes, even Parallel Realities was better about “show, don’t tell” than The Prayer Warriors. See, this author wants us to perceive that Jerry and the Prayer Warriors (which, by the way, we still don’t know all that much about) are the good guys, and they’re there fighting the good fight for the Lord. He also wants us to perceive that the denizens of Camp Half-Blood are evil devil-worshippers who want to do stuff.

And yet, apart from all the stuff where these characters make over-the-top declarations of how much they love to worship Satan, we haven’t really seen anything that villainous from the supposed villains of this piece. If anything, the villains of the piece are actually decent human beings from what we’ve been shown so far.

And our heroes? So far, our heroes have been shown as a group of asshats who will resort to mass murder if you believe in other gods. What makes it worse is that they don’t perform any good acts: I have yet to see any mentions of them healing the sick, feeding the hungry, caring for the poor… you know, the kind of thing that any real Christian would think about. No, all they do is kill Satanists—which, if you think about it, goes against the Ten Commandments. You know, it violates that one commandment that says thou shalt not kill!!!!!!! So not only are our heroes massive hypocrites, but they can never be likable on virtue of the fact that they judge everyone according to what religion they practice, and then kill them if they don’t practice Christianity.

Which wouldn’t be as bad as it was, if this wasn’t author tract! But it is, and so it only reinforces what we see in the pointless paragraphs of author tract and the mid-chapter author’s notes that BelieverInChrist is a hateful little shit. I just… how can you call yourself a Christian if this is how you choose to exhibit your Christianity!?

*headdesk*

Man, I’m going to be here all day if I keep going at that little bit. Let’s just move on before I give myself a concussion.

The memory of the just is blessed: but the name of the wicked shall rot. -Proverbs 10:7

Oh, what a coincidence: I was just about to say the same thing to BelieverInChrist.

And we came across a temple that is a worship ground of the evil goddess Artemis, where she and her daughters kill holy lambs to the god of whores. And it made me sick!

*BAM*

Artemis was a virgin! She took a strict vow of chastity, and never ever broke it. In fact, she directly caused the death of the only guy who ever saw her naked! I have no idea why the hell you’re trying to imply that Artemis is a whore, but I just thought I’d point that out.

And besides, let me point something out to you: you sacrificed a sheep earlier in the fic, Jerry! Seriously, when Artemis does it it’s a sin, but when you do it for almost the exact same reason it’s a virtue!? Were you even paying attention to yourself when you quoted Deuteronomy 12:30 in the first chapter!?

*BAM*

Oh my God, Jerry is an idiot.

Let’s just keep going.

“You must all be punish” I yelled to the sinners, the filth of the Godful world that our lord Jesus Christ rules over for eternal history, ever and ever, amen and amen! “You must boy down to our God (the only truth that must be offered in this day and age) or witness the wrath of Jesus of Nazareth, who is the one and only true God! Amen. Commit!”

“Bear witness to the wrath of Jesus Christ, whose supernatural powers were only used to help the people around him rather than to punish them for not believing in him! Kneel, for you are in the presence of the wrathful being who never once struck the people who ended up crucifying him with lightning! Bow down to him, you simpering apes, and fear his non-existent wrath!”

“We will never bowed down to your Godful kind, for we want to corrupt the youth and bring war upon the world. WE ARE THE CAUSE FOR EVERYTHING, INCLUDING WORLD WAR 1 AND 2, THE WAR IN IRAQ, AND THE VIETNAM WAR. WE WANT TO BRING SUFFERING TO EVERYONE! We will send every single God fearing Christian servents of the lord Jesus Christ to the death row! You will all be punished” said Annabeth, Zeus most famous whore!

Okay, who let Annabeth take lessons on how to be an over-the-top villain from the Illusive Man’s evil doppelganger?

“All praise and glory to Jesus Christ, to whom I owe everything” I declared to the Dogful and Christian like world!

Annabeth laughed. “Those ways are old and tired. Our way is much better” she screamed.

You know, because Greek myths didn’t predate the life of Christ by at least two thousand years or anything like that.

“But at least our way works!

No it doesn’t, asshole! It just scares people away from your religion, because why the fuck would any sane man want to be part of a crazy cult that kills people for not believing in what they believe in?

Amen” I said to the Satanic and filthful whore. So I charged at her, grabbed her hair,

“…and then proceeded to sniff it. I hadn’t gotten my fix that day, what did you want me to do?”

and dragged her across the muddy and filthful road, where I got an axe and sliced her head open, and let all kinds of Godful worms eat her alive, letting none of her brain to survive.

And not only is this douchebag gleefully killing people for a flimsy reason, but he’s doing so in ways that would make Jigsaw blanch in shock.

I’m sorry, are we supposed to be rooting for you? Because I find that to be damn near impossible to do.

THE WHORE WAS FINALLY DEAD! AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN!

And we had a holy party where we prayed to God and sang hymns of his greatness and glory. We did not drink, nor did we have sex, for that will make us look bad.

Jerry, you spend most of your time killing people in brutally horrifying ways for an especially insane reason, and you’re celebrating that fact with a party: I don’t think there’s anything that a drunken orgy could do to worsen your image at this point.

We were Christians and did not live like those filthy Atheist that mush all die! Amen.

Oh, believe me Jerry, I have met plenty of “filthy” atheists that had better morals than you do. I’d rather live like them than live the way you do.

PS: Priest do not have sex, so the church is not in trouble. It is holy and will be obey by all people!

You realize that people like you are the reason I stopped willingly going to church for seven years, right? It won’t be obeyed by all people as long as nutcases like you are allowed to dictate the direction the church goes on.

*groan*

And the crazy part? A lot of people say that BelieverInChrist is a troll. (And indeed, some parts of the history seem to confirm that.) Now, I’m not discounting that BelieverInChrist real: I live in a world in which Shirley Phelps-Roper is allowed to do her thing without a nuclear bomb somehow going off directly over her head. Seriously, these kinds of people are really unabashed about their insanity, even if they just do most of their things for attention. So I don’t believe that he’s a troll.

However, the really wild part is this: if BelieverInChrist is in fact a troll, that just makes the whole situation worse, and on a certain level it’s actually kind of sad. If BIC is in fact a troll, he’s essentially exploiting the nutcase part of modern-day Christian America and perpetuating the stereotype of the hateful Christian: worse, he’s doing it all for attention. I just… how desperate does a man have to be if he thinks that the best way to get people to notice him on the internet is to pretend that he’s a crazy Pat Robertson type? If you really think about that, it’s kind of depressing…

*groan*

Ah, well, at least he left some wonderful snark bait. Either way, that doesn’t change.

Well, that’s the first two chapters of this thing. Believe me, this fic is not going to get any better from here on out.

So stay tuned for next week when I wade through more of this spectacular piece of ass.

Welcome back to another day spent basking into the turdy aura of resident evil:reborn.  Today we embark upon one of the longest chapters of the fic.  Since not really anything worth mentioning has happened so far, I’ll just skip the rehash of last week and jump right in with the author’s note for chapter four.

okay here is chapter four hope you guys like this cause I am adding four other characters

Four more characters in a fic that’s already sporting a cast of Stus over 20 strong, the number of which is a mystery even to the authors.  I’m practically nauseous with anticipation.  Yes, that IS my new catchphrase.  Thank you for noticing.

twelve hours of the night seemed to move by fast four the group of twenty survivors once the sun had risen over the horizon the survivors start looking for anything that could have survived.

So wait, are there four of them, or twenty?  Or twenty one counting Tricia, who mysteriously vanished near the end of the first fic?  So confused.

“ah shit richtofen mark up the death toll to fifty-one I just found another dead body”! Tank shouted after lifting a car door up off of the body only to hear price shout.

Man, I’m so torn up about the loss of yet another unestablished “survivor” whose only purpose was to be coughed up by the SDQF just in time to die.  Man, I’m really gonna miss random survivor 51.  (S)He was my favorite character.

“make that fifty-three mate me and soap just found two more over here”! Price shouted him and soap pulling the two dead bodies out from under a demolished house only to hear richard shout.

At this point I think the SDQF is just spitting out dead bodies for them to find.   When I get a SDQF of my very own, I’ m gonna make sure it’s full of cookies.

hey guys I found the armory jesus it look’s like the zombies were trying the break the doors down”! Richard shouted causing everyone in the group to head towards his position all of them seeing the dented doors of the armory causing judgment to ask.

You know, I don’t remember Armory Jesus in the scripture, but maybe it’s from one of the books that isn’t always included in the new Testament.

Ah, here is it: “And lo did Jesus lay down suppressing fire from the mound as the hordes of undead shambled towards him.  We had brought him only two bullets each, yet when he added them to the chain-feed, by some miracle they had multiplied 1000-fold.  Enough to fill the chain as if for a zombie banquet of lead.  And the zombies, being naughty in the eyes of our Lord and down-field of him, were chewed up in the sausage-grinder of the Father.”  Amen.

I await your hate-mail.

The word hole belches forth another volley of words and screws with causality of speaking

“shit think you can get the doors open man”? Judgment asked as richard walked over to the control panel of the armory typing in the code for the armory only to see the doors open half way causing tank and price to force open the door allowing the entire group to enter the armory only to see that some how half of the armory had caved in causing insane to say.

Hah!  Stupid zombies never thought to enter the access code.  No wonder they couldn’t get at Armory Jesus.

“okay everyone lets see if we can’t salvage any weapons we can”. Insane said as the group started to search for more weapons.

*Brain screeches to a halt*

What?

“lets see if we can’t salvage any weapons we can”

I… what?  I don’t even…

No.  If I think about that “sentence” too long I’m going to have another brain explosion.   Let’s just move on.

After ten minutes the group had recovered fifty assault rifle’s thirty machine guns twelve shot guns and nine side arms

Well, at least those assault rifles will have their weapons.  Not sure how it helps the team, but I guess making sure your guns are well armed with their own guns is kinda handy.

They also find the Dinosaur’s death machine armor from the first fic.  Which is handy since most of the dinosaurs are no longer human.

“okay niko do you have any idea to get us out of here cause there is no doubt in my mind that samantha and that wesker character will be back with five times the forces they had earlier”?. Dempsy asked as niko quickly reloaded his mp5k as he replied.

Why?  Why would you assume that, Dempsy?  They soundly defeated Team Stu in that battle and killed all the spontaneously generated survivors that the SDQF barfed up, so why would you think they would decide to bring more forces against you?  Surely their near flawless victory against you would be evidence that they have no need of additional zombies.  Basically Samantha and Wesker just stood there menacing you guys for a few minutes, un-humanified some of your dinosaurs, and then you all ran away with your tails between your legs without even trying to fight back.  You even left a few team-members behind to get trapped in a collapsed building.

At this point, were I Wesker, I’d assume I could defeat you guys with some French Taunting.  Also, at this point Samantha has to be profoundly embarrassed that she lost to you guys in the first fic.

“well there is the airport that is five miles from here and while I was searching I found an old bus I believe I can get it to start so that we can get to the airport and get to my ac-130″. Niko replied confusing price soap judgment and insane as soap asked.

I honestly don’t know why he assumes his plane would be fine.  If Team Stu was camped within 5 miles of an airport, I’d probably have already bombed the airstrip, if for no other reason than to put a lot of holes in it and make takeoff impossible.  Then again, this is Umbrella we’re talking about, they just left a handy bus that everyone could use.

Note to all wannabe villains out there.   If you’re going to leave behind vehicles that might be in decent repair for your nemeses to use, plant boobytraps on them.  After the first few blow up, they’ll be far less likely to trust anything that appears useful to them.

You can reinforce this paranoia by leaving behind scattered weapons that are likewise booby-trapped.  Clips full of blanks are also good things to leave behind.

“um niko didn’t we jump out of your ac-130 two years ago”? Soap asked only to hear niko reply.

“yes I know my friend but me and some other survivors had found another ac-130 in a abandon military base somewhere off in nevada after I got it up in the air I kept it in the airport not that far from here”. Niko replied causing cera to say

Yes, the Lockhead AC-130, official plane of the PCC.  They just leave those sitting around everywhere.

So, they all jump on the bus and drive off.  Shortly after, they’re jumped by the SDQF. It spews zombies at their bus, knocking it over.  Unfortunately, everyone survives the bus flipping over and we get some poorly paced action.

Tank dempsy:commando assault rifle

nikolia beniski: ak-74

takeo masiak: dragunov sniper rifle

doctor richtofen: mp5k with grip

captain price: m4a1

niko: duel mpl’s

soap mactravis:rpk

insane:duel desert eagles

richard:striker shotgun

judgment: saw machine gun

doc:famas

dara:spaz-12

bron:aug

littlefoot and the rest of the dinosaurs except for the three:death machine armor

Oh, almost forgot about the weapon list.  That’s never gonna get old!

Also, ID, I know writing yourself as dual wielding desert eagles seems cool, but to anyone who’s actually fired a .50 cal AE (or indeed any of the other common DE calibers) it just makes you look extremely stupid while also cluing them into just how ignorant you are about the topic.  A person with a Desert Eagle held firmly in two hands is way more useful than an idiot with one in each hand.  I know dual wielding is common in FPS (due to rule of cool overriding rule of logic), but in this case you’re taking it a bit too far with the Eagle.

(lyrics to rob zombies superbeast)

Oh, fuck you, fic!

I forgot that the authors here are absolutely in LOVE with the literary montage action scene.  Since this is the first true-to-form laundry-list literary montage of aciton, I’m gonna go through it, but in the future I’ll just hit the highlights as these action scenes are all largely the same.  I’m also pruning out the lyrics because it ruins anything that might even approach flow.

both insane and niko bring down thirty zombies narrowly getting caught by a smoker only to immediately shoot the smoker leaving hardly any of it body left.

Whew, they got the smoker.  I was worried there for nearly a fraction of a second.  The authors really know how to build tension in the reader, don’t they?

more zombies start running full speed at the survivors running over the dead bodies of the other zombies only to quickly join them.

When fighting zombies, it’s important to pick the ones who die of their own volition like that.  Really speeds up the fight.

nikolai throws two grenades blowing off the legs of seven zombies only to end there existence with one burst from his ak-74.

I’ll count it.

*Hits buzzer twice*

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 10, Wesker – 8

The pacing and description of this action scene is so good, it’s like we’re right there watching!

shows the zombies running towards the survivors again only this time they were brought down by the death machines that the dinosaurs were wearing.

Not sure what is supposed to be showing us this.   Is… this scene actually supposed to be us watching a TV with this stuff happening?  That’s getting kinda weird.  We’re reading about what we might be seeing on a TV screen if we were watching one instead of reading about it.  I think they misunderstood what “show, don’t tell” means.

three chargers almost make it to the group only to immediately be brought down by richtofen and soap’s teaming up on the three.

Indeed, their clever and proficient use of [error description missing] really turned the tables for them here.

takeo and doc both shoot the same zombie only to have its bottom torso walk closer towards them before it fell dead.

In such a target rich environment, you boys probably shouldn’t be doubling up on the same mook zombie.  Save that for when you’re [error description missing] a trio of giant charger zombies.

three hellhounds try to kill tank doc and dara only to fail as they fell dead in front of the survivors.

That’s very existential.  Their failure to be useful zombies ended them.  Since they could not properly express their purpose through action, they ceased to be.   They failed, therefore they aren’t.  Deep, yo.

doctor richtofen immediately pulls out his vundervaffe as he brought down twenty zombies with two burst’s from his gun.

I keep wondering why he doesn’t lead with that thing.  It’s basically a chain-lighting wand in gun-form.  Surely you’d want to fire that off before the zombies got close enough to your side to make chain-lightning a bad idea.  And don’t call me Shirley.

two tanks charge towards the group killing most of the other zombies while they ran towards the survivors right before they were taken down by the combination of winter’s howl ray gun and vundervaffe fire.

Note to the zombie horde:  Make sure to put the tanks in front.  They’re very not good at collateral damage control and even less good at actually being useful in combat.  Perfect qualities in a meat shield.

the zombie horde starts to decrease to single digits the gun fire getting fainter and fainter.

Quick! Somebody catch that gunfire before it faints!

*Whump*

Damn.  Down like a ragdoll.

Finally, the montage ends, much to everyone’s relief.

after the battle all of the survivors were just standing in shock all of them wondering how they survived the attack all of them just standing in silence till takeo broke the silence asking.

*GONG*

No, you wonder at your survival when it’s a pitched battle frenzy and you barely survive.  At no point in this whole fight did it ever appear you guys were doing anything other than totally dominating the battle.  You don’t get to be all, “oh we barely made it,” when your side didn’t even get a little zombie spittle on you.  The appropriate response is, “Whoa, that was surprisingly easy!”

“niko do you think we can walk the rest of the way”. Takeo asked only to hear niko reply.

Takeo, it was only 5 miles to the airport and you drove for 10 minutes before your bus was knocked over.  You could have walked IN THE FIRST PLACE!

GAH!

I’m getting the inkling that our authors aren’t big fans of walking, and thus don’t know much about travel on foot.

“we’ve got to bus is wrecked”. Niko replied as he entered the bus bringing out some machine guns and shot guns as richtofen said.

“take only what you can carry this equipment in larger amounts will slow you down”. Richtofen said as he went into the bus taking out a few sub machine guns and some side arms.

Given that most of you are soldiers who should be used to carrying a 60-100 pound pack wherever you go, and have not been described as carrying anything other than weapons so far, you’ll probably be able to carry quite a few of those weapons.  And even if not, leave the weapons and just bring the ammo.  That’s your real bottleneck anyway.

Not that ammo has ever been a problem except when the plot demanded you run out for melodrama purposes.  It’s those PCC brand bullet clips you guys have been using.

Anyway, they loot the bus and then head out to the airport.  It takes them 6 hours to get there.  6.  Hours.  SIX!  Seriously, that’s one hell of a scenic rout you boys took.  10 minutes by bus and then 6 hours by foot to go 5 miles.

They ask where the plane is when they get there:

“hanger twenty-four follow me”. Niko replied walking towards a exit door that ready authorized personal only as niko opened the door immediately aiming his gun and firing for ten zombies were in front of the door as he kill one that was closest to the door causing everyone that was in the group to immediately open fire on the remaining zombies in less than ten seconds the ten zombies were lying dead on the runway as niko started to run towards a hanger that had a big twenty-four on its side the rest of the group following suit.

Um.  Exit door… from where?  You boys just arrived at the airfield and are standing outside.  So you’re exiting the outside?  That’s kinda weird.

When I’m a zombie, I’m totally not just hanging out at the abandoned airport.  I’ll have stuff to do and people to eat.  Standing randomly at the airport is for chump zombies and slackers.

As soon as the group made it half way to the hanger they all came to a sudden stop all of them seeing ten hunters that looked like the one they had encountered back at the community all of them splitting in half like the first one as all of the hunters immediately lunged towards the group all of the survivors ducking down before the hunters made contact

Hey look, a bunch more of those prototype hunter zombies that made this fic “a whole new ball-game.”  I wonder what they’re doing here.  I think they showed up just in time for a badly paced fight scene!

The Word Hole spews another deluge of words upon the bunker

The battle lasted for ten minutes nikolia had used his bayonet to kill one hunter but when he killed the second one he stuck the bayonet into the hunters gut and unloaded a full clip into the hunter takeo and dara had tag teamed a zombie takeo had used a katana to slice of the hunters legs and arms dara had just put her boot on the zombies chest and turned its head into nothing but a bloody pulp for three other zombies tank and price had throw two grenades both grenades landing underneath two hunters causing them to send many pieces of shrapnel that was caused by there teeth to fly threw the air hitting two other hunters killing them instantly then insane richard and judgment used machine guns to bring down the last four hunters the machine guns tearing the hunter’s to shreds after the fight niko immediately opened the doors to the hanger so that he can drive the ac-130 out of the hanger as he said.

Luckily we had a salesman show up during the week.  These new Britannica Ablative Encyclopedias are working great to fend off the Word Hole.  And affordably priced, I might add.

I’m honestly not sure how I should score that scene.  Technically there were two isolated throwing incidents involving three objects, but one of those was the zombie teeth throwing some air to the hunters, which technically should be a score for team Wesker.  But those teeth would never have been in a position to throw anything without the grenades.

Judges?

*Three buzzes*

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 12, Wesker – 9

Ahh.  One point each for the grenades, and one for the zombie teeth to team Wesker.  Thank you, judges.

Team Stu is starting to pull ahead.  Wesker, you might want to pep-talk your zombies a bit.

“okay comrades get in the plane is already fueled”. Niko said as he entered a door that was close to the back of the plane the survivors following behind him just as a huge horde of zombies took to the airfield as price shouted.

What Price SHOULD say:

“Don’t you think it’s suspicious that we were just attacked by ten of the new prototype zombies at the airfield where our plane was being stored?  We might want to check it for bombs and stuff.”

What Price says:

“niko hurry up and get this bird up in the air”! Price shouted as niko finally got the plane moving down the run way running over some of the zombies that were running towards the plane as he said over the intercom.

Yes.  Because the perfect operation of your heavily armed AC-130 plane at an airport where Umbrella just stationed 10 neo-hunters would not be at all suspicious.  Nope.

“my friends keep the zombies off of me with the mini-gun”. Niko said as chomper immediately got on the machine gun as he started to cut down many zombies all of them turning into nothing but bodies of blood as the plane slowly made its way down the runway.

Forty-five agonizing minutes past till they all felt the plane finally become air born all of them breathing sighs of relief some of them looking out the window seeing the zombies become less and less visible as the plane continued to rise into the air.

So much fail here, I’ve gotta tackle it one piece at a time.  First up: Fourty-five minutes to taxi and take-off.  Meanwhile with guns blazing.  If you can’t find the fault in that just by reading it, I don’t really know how I can clear it up for you.  I mean, Fourty-five minutes of taxiing around and shooting zombies with the machine-gun turrets.   That’s a lot of zombies, a LOT of ammo, and one inept pilot at the stick.

Second, we need another counter because… yeah.  One minute.

*Several one minutes later*

Lets see here, we’ve got a lot to add to this counter: Wesker and Samantha grandstanding/menacing Team Stu instead of attacking/killing them, Wesker shooting the redinofication gun instead of a real weapon, being flashbanged and not thinking to ask the wing of helicopters what they saw from the air, killing all the random survivors and then just leaving, not booby-trapping or disabling the only vehicle capable of carrying the 20 members of Team Stu (the bus), dropping hunters off at the airport but not bothering to disable/booby-trap the AC-130, and not destroying the runway while they were at it.

*Hits buzzer seven times*

Too Much Middle-Management: 7

This is basically just an “Our Villains, Ladies and Gentlemen” counter, but with the idea that we’re talking about an evil corporation here.  When a corporation makes huge failures in judgment, always blame middle-management.  Success requires a lot of paperwork, so it’s best avoided.

And on that note, I think it’s time we part ways for another week.  I’ll be back next week with the stirring conclusion to chapter four.  Here, I’ll spoil it a bit for you: it’s awful.

Hello, dear patrons. Either regrettably or fortunately, Emineminems has deleted Don’t Stop Believing. So I’ve decided to find another stinker.

Tell me. How many of you patrons at work have Solitaire open in another window?

…Okay, you can put your hands down now.

Now tell me. How many of you look at it and say to yourself, “Hey, this would make an awesome story”?

And wow, it got quiet.

Anyway, would you believe it? There’s more than 20 fanfics of everyone’s favorite card game. Granted, several of them are parody fics, poems, or “just because I can” fics.

This is not one of them.

NOTE: This story contains self-cutting and brief badly-written sex between playing cards. If you’re sensitive to these, be warned.

Disclaimer: FreeCell belongs to the Microsoft Corporation. No profit is being made.

I’m willing to make a pass on this. FreeCell is a type of solitaire game, and FF.Net’s probably not going to make a whole separate section for FreeCell.

Summary: Still, love will spring from the darkest of hates, and the Fates didst set their eyes upon the players on the stage, and they didst deal out the cards of fortune…

…the fuck. The story hasn’t even started yet, and I can already spot starting with a conjunction, pretentious language, cliché, and half-assed metaphors. This is gonna’ be good…

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there did exist a kingdom that didst call itself FreeCell Land.

Apparently, creativity isn’t a chief export.

This noble land of peace and plenty, alas, didst divideth itself into warring fiefs, each ruled by four noble Houses: The House of Clubs, the House of Hearts, the House of Spades, and the House of Diamonds.

Miss. Kindly unhand the Shakespeare. It didn’t do anything to you.

Aside from that, though, this would be a kind of fair (if not a bit tired) origin story for cards…

These noble lords did war with each other, battles, that did staineth the lush hills and valleys of the land crimson with spilt blood.

GAH! Look, keep quiet about the war, okay? We know they’re warring, and that usually involves battles and blood. Blood that’s going to be mine if the DRD catches wind of this!

Still, love will spring from the darkest of hates, and the Fates didst set their eyes upon the players on the stage, and they didst deal out the cards of fortune…

Oh, so that explains the “still” in the summary. Look, if you’re going to copy/paste a line from the fic as the summary, at least look at which line you chose so it doesn’t stick out like a dismembered thumb.

Only They could determine the hands received…

No reason for those italics there. Line break, moving on.

The Queen of Spades rolled over in the Royal Bed and sighed in disgust at the sleeping card that lay next to her.

So they’re card-people? As in, like in Alice in Wonderland?

The royal blankets pulled taut over the grossly overweight figure, and gathered around his many chins.

Last time I checked, cards are paper-thin. Unless they get bent. Did he get bent? Those creases are impossible to get out…

A bubbling snore issued from his pursed lips, followed by a series of pig-like grunts. A trail of drool led down his chin and pooled on the pillow near his right ear. She closed her eyes tightly, hoping that when she reopened them, the grotesque whale beside her would be gone. How many years had passed since he had been able to fit into a standard-sized deck?

None of this is making any sense to me. Moving on.

A tapping on the window alerted her to the presence of the tiny carrier pigeon outside her room, bobbing madly up and down as it fought to keep aloft.

Um… your bird’s drowning. Why’d you build your castle half-underwater?

Her breath catching in her ivory throat, the Queen of Spades left the four-poster and carefully made her way to the window. She gasped as she saw the familiar wax seal of two conjoined hearts.

Quickly, she fed the bird some spade-seed and retired to her private chamber devour its contents in the privacy of her boudoir.

I’m not even going to touch spade-seed.

And from what I’m getting here, she apparently fed the bird in order to eat it.

My Dearest Love,

Too long has passed since our last rendezvous. My soul is crying out to hear your dulcet voice and to touch your slender, ebony-clad body. I must see you tonight. Meet me at our usual place, you know when.

Please do not deny me this meeting. I cannot live another day without holding you in my arms. I languish here, a slave to love, unable to even breathe without dreaming of you.

Come to me, my love.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. This is even cheesier romance than Tuck and Pam.

Yours Desperately,

KoH

…and all that “sophistication” just died in an instant.

Sighing in ecstasy, the Queen of Spades clutched the letter to her gently heaving bosom. Closing her eyes, she could picture her beloved King of Hearts as clearly as if he were standing in front of her. Tall, with broad, muscular shoulders, and a dazzling smile, he was everything her husband was not. His soul was as sweet as his luscious body, he loved animals, children, and was a dab hand in the kitchen. Quite a catch, one might say. And so deliciously young…

*hurf*

How could she wait until tonight, to once again be in his arms, running her fingers through his silky hair, kissing his perfect raspberry-red mouth, riding his long thick co… A loud banging on the door interrupted her fantasy.

Oh thank goodness for that interruption. I never thought I’d see the day when I’d see a lemon of Solitaire.

Fucking.

Solitaire.

“Darling? Are you in there, darling?”

Oh damn, she thought. “Yes, my big hunk o’love, I’m just coming!”

And it looks like it wasn’t interrupted after all. Dammit.

And if you’re gonna’ start out the story pretentious, at least have the dignity to not turn a full 180 on us…

Outside the dressing room, the King of Spades was seething. What did she take him for? Did she think he didn’t know about her disgusting little trysts with that son-of-a-bitch? That he didn’t know about their correspondence, the love letters, the gifts, and the plotting behind his back? Well, he’d show her. Yes, after he’d implemented his brilliant plan, the bitch would be grovelling on her knees for forgiveness.

So, here we have the painfully obvious villain. Misogynistic, creepy, and possibly has a twirly moustache. Maybe we could have something before this to imply why she married this guy in the first place? Or at least have him pretending to be hurt instead of just going “Hurr hurr now I have an excuse for revenge”? ‘Cuz right now, I’m imagining him laughing maniacally during the vows.

And he was going to love every second of it, oh yes she would, for she was a naughty, naughty girl…

*HURF*

The King retired to his bedchamber for a little private-time of his own.

*HUUUUUUUUURF*

Line break, and we change setting again.

Meanwhile, across FreeCell Land, in the House of Hearts, all was not well with one of the King’s servants.

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, he stared at himself, hating what he saw but unable to look away. This body, this face… this life. It was all so wrong, but he was trapped. He was merely a pawn, a worthless player in the game of life. While the world depended on the Kings and Queens to lead them to the All-Mighty Aces of Heaven, he was useless.

Here we go with the game metaphors again. At least it’s not being paired with Ye Olde Butchered English this time. On the dark side, though, as usual, this doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Half-assed game metaphor count: 4

I’m at the bottom of the pile. What am I good for?

Half-assed game metaphor count: 5

Waiting on the King, pandering to his every whim, dressing him, brushing his teeth, wiping his royal arse. And the thanks I get? Pah! They don’t even realise I’m alive. I’m treated worse than a dog, made to live in the cellar, having to exist on leftover food, wearing rags. I’d be better off dead.

He glared at the tear-stained face reflected in the mirror. If he ended it right now, no one would mourn him, there would be no funeral. His remains would probably be tossed into the strange, glowing, marshy bogs outside the kingdom, for the vultures to pick over and desecrate. Furious with himself and with them, he slammed his fist into the mirror, shattering it into a thousand shards of pointed, razor-sharp glass.

Yeesh. Someone doesn’t like vultures.

The pain was like a drug to him, shooting up his arm, making him bite his lip with the sheer ecstasy it provided.

…I’m scared that I’m going to accidentally say something horribly offensive here… Please, bear with me.

He eyed the pieces of broken mirror in the sink. Before he could think twice about it, he seized one and dragged it across his arm, making a deep gash. Red ink welled out of the cut, slowly at first, and then more and more quickly until it was a stream. He closed his eyes and clenched his fist tightly, increasing the ink flow, revelling in the feelings of release. Tears streamed down his face, dripping into the sink, mingling with the ink.

This fic just doesn’t stop surprising me… We have card sex and now card self-harm. I… I just don’t know what to think. I’m feeling very uncomfortable right now…

A shout from upstairs: “Two! Where the hell are you? The King wants a full body massage, so get your worthless butt up here now!”

Why are they calling this servant specifically? No wonder he’s miserable.

Uttering a stream of expletives, the Two of Hearts stemmed the ink flow with a bath towel and made himself look decent. He’d be back to finish off the job soon. After all, he had nothing to live for. No life, no money, no love…

Nothing at all.

Please, no. No. The hell is with this fic? There’s no trigger warnings whatsoever in the summary, no anything. There’s no purpose to this scene at all. If this fic contains suicide, I won’t know if I’ll be able to keep on riffing it as someone who’s personally had suicidal feelings before.

Line break, scene change, thankfully… or not.

“Yes, yes, YES!”

Rolling off him, the Queen of Diamonds grinned from ear to ear. God, he was good.

Beneath her, the Jack of Clubs lay limp on the mattress, trying to regain his breath. God, she was good. He felt the mattress shift and opened his eyes to find her lacing up her corset.

This is… rgh. Is everybody cheating on everybody in this world? This author’s not playing with a full deck. I’m not even going to touch the POV whiplash, because this fic has way worse problems.

I’m also wondering how a corset would work on a playing card. It would probably cause creases that, like I said, are damn near impossible to get out.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to get back, my husband will be worried.”

“Awww, c’mon, stay a while longer.” He shot her his best puppy-dog look: big black pleading eyes and a quivering bottom lip.

“J.C., honey, you knew it would be like this.” She didn’t like hurting him. It was only a bit of fun to her. God knew she could do with a bit of it, what with the King of Diamonds being impotent and unable to satisfy her natural urges. Of course, sleeping with a card who, at 19, was young enough to be her son, only added to the excitement. Hell, he made her feel young, and at the end of the day that was what she wanted. Her looks were starting to fade; she knew that, but when she was with J.C. she felt like a teenager again.

*shudder*

“Fine, go then!” He pouted childishly, which only served as another reminder of his immaturity.

The Queen of Diamonds stared at him, lying naked on the bed in before her. He really was quite exquisite. She licked her lips and smiled at him seductively. To her, his constant whinging and whining was endearing, and a real turn on. When she got bored of him, or when someone better came along, she would discard him. But until that day…

“Well, maybe I could spare another twenty minutes or so…”

Wow, this queen’s even more of a jerk than I thought…

Line break, ending another completely fucking pointless scene.

Half-assed game metaphor count: 6

“What?”

“You heard me. I have challenged him to a duel!” The King of Spades let out a guffaw as he watched his wife’s face. Her look of pure horror was priceless.

“But you know the King of Hearts cannot duel! Fighting an untrained opponent is a cowardly, despicable thing to do!” she screamed at him, now in a full-blown panic. Her husband might be overweight, but he was a first-class swordsman. The duel would be a walkover. And they were fighting to the death.

Murdering the king of another kingdom wouldn’t be a walkover. Sure, it would be a breeze landing the finishing blow, but the queen said it; Ol’ “KoH” is untrained, and his subjects probably know it. Killing him in a Curb-Stomp Battle would be pretty widely seen as cowardice and might lead to… I don’t know… war?

“I know what you and him have been getting up to,” the King informed her triumphantly, “No, don’t try and deny it,” he added, as she opened her mouth to protest, “I have proof!”

The King of Spades cut off his wife’s pleas, and marched out of the room. The Queen of Spades threw herself into the nearest chair and commenced weeping. If the King of Hearts was killed, she would be stuck with her husband for the rest of her life. How could she bear it?

And this queen is selfish, too. Instead of being worried about the possibility of someone she’s been more-than-implied to care about being killed, she’s instead concerned about being stuck with her moustache-twirling husband. While this would be a serious problem, you probably shouldn’t leave the cold-blooded murder of your lover as an afterthought.

The morning of the duel dawned, bright and breezy. Sat up in the royal box, the Queen of Spades nervously shredded a paper tissue. Royalty from all four kingdoms were packed in around her, and a national holiday had been declared. The stands were full of FreeCell Land citizens, all eagerly awaiting the spectacle.

The two contestants entered the arena to raucous cheers and scattered boos from the crowd. The King of Spades turned to look at his wife, giving her a mocking look, a look that clearly stated, ‘Take a last look at Lover Boy, for this is the last you’ll ever see of him’.

Here we go, fanfic characters and their impossibly vocal facial expressions.

The King of Hearts was the last into the arena, having been delayed due to a bad-hair-day. He couldn’t possibly be seen out in public with unruly locks.

…what. I… I don’t have anything to say about this.

That would be far more embarrassing for him than being routed in the duel!

Um, yeah. That goes without saying because you can’t be embarrassed if you’re dead.

As he passed a stand full of young, buxom wenches, he unleashed his dazzling smile upon the world, causing a mass epidemic of swooning.

I’m still wondering how playing cards can be overweight  or buxom.

His assistant handed him his sword, which he unsheathed and held up to the light. He caught sight of his handsome reflection in the shining metal, and grinned. Hell, he was going to die, but he was going to die pretty.

Well, at least his characterization is consistent. That’s more than we can say for most fics.

And so the duel began. Both cards slashed, parried, blocked and jabbed, circling each other like hawks.

Untrained cannon fodder versus first-class swordsman, people.

Around and around the arena they went, clanging swords, muttered curses, cheers of a perceived victory, groans when shots were blocked.

So much action!

However, a strange thing was happening to one of the contestants. As he got closer to the King of Hearts, the King of Spades became mesmerised by his beauty. The flowing ruby-red locks peeking out from beneath the helmet, the hint of rippling muscle under the armour, those pearly white teeth! He began to get quite hot under the collar.

Oh, for fuck’s sake… Congratulations, the King of Hearts hasn’t even spoken a word yet and he’s already in Stu territory.

An opportune jab from the King of Hearts brought him back to his senses as pain seared through his shoulder. “Why, you little…”

At least we’re getting things described now.

His sword whirred through the air, and ink poured from the King of Heart’s chin.

“Not the face! Not the face!” the handsome King screamed, dropping his sword and clutching his chin.

“MY PRECIOUS MODELING CAREER!”

Shocked by the reaction, the King of Spades threw down his sword as well and bent over the bleeding card.

“I-I’m sorry!” he exclaimed. “I didn’t mean to…”

…fuck it. This thing’s riffing itself.

Their faces were only inches apart, their breath mingling delicately in the afternoon breeze. The King of Spades could smell the ink spilling slowly from his rival’s face, and he reached up and delicately ran his fingers over the King of Heart’s damaged chin. Trembling, the King of Hearts raised his eyes until they met with his adversary’s. Fireworks exploded and violins played Romances as their lips met.

Riffing itself.

Also, that fucking king of spades is a hypocrite.

Up in the royal box, the Queen of Spades was furious. “How dare they? How dare they! I can’t believe they are doing that!” she shrieked, nearly stamping her foot through the royal box in her fury, “You there, can you believe they are doing that?”

The card she was pointing at lowered his eyes hastily. “N-no, Your Majesty. If y-you were m-my wife, I w-wouldn’t want to k-kiss another card!” He flinched, waiting to be reprimanded for his cheek. When nothing happened, he opened his eyes and saw that the other queen in attendance, the Queen of Diamonds, had left her throne and was staring down at him, a dreamy look in her eyes.

“Your name?” She enquired.

“M-me? I’m the T-two of Hearts, Your Majesty.”

Oh, so there’s those threads sloppily wrapped up. I feel kind of bad for Two, though. The Queen of Diamonds is just gonna’ “discard” him, too.

Line break.

Six months later…

“Splendid! Everything is going exactly to plan. Tonight’s opening will be a triumph!” Grabbing his partner around the waist, the King of Spades planted a kiss on his nose.

So it’s turned into a long-term romance. Straight from a flat-out murder attempt.

Also, where’s the Queen of Spades during all this? She’s been just about left in the dust. Who’s the cheating scoundrel now, King of Spades?

“I must say, this idea of yours was pure genius, Spadey,” the King of Hearts praised his boyfriend, returning the kiss enthusiastically.

“This must be the first gay bar in all of FreeCell Land. We are pioneers!”

…

…

…

…THAT’S what this story was leading up to?! The origin of a fucking gay bar?!

“And here comes our new Junior Manager!” The King of Hearts greeted his new employee with a totally inappropriate bear hug and kiss on the cheek, causing the card to blush deeply.

“Now, my Heart!” scolded the King of Spades, playfully. “Don’t embarrass the poor chap, he’s practically married, don’t you know?”

“Well, well! So you and the rather delectable Queen of Diamonds are finally tying the knot?” the card remarked, peering at Two closely through his new spectacles. The King of Hearts had always been near-sighted, but had been too vain to wear glasses, until recently.

“Y-yes. As soon as her divorce comes through.” The Two of Hearts blushed an even deeper shade of red. “I still can’t believe that she dumped the Jack of Clubs for me!”

Like I said. She’s just going to dump you, too.

“Me neither,” murmured the King of Hearts. “J.C. is one hot card!”

And so peace was finally restored to FreeCell Land. Well, almost. The Queen of Spades and the Jack of Clubs didn’t have very happy endings. But hey, that’s life!

*Rolls eyes*

Considering you set her up as being one of the main characters in the beginning, that was a fucking cop-out.

Epilogue

“No!” Mary screamed and sat bolt upright in bed. This couldn’t be happening, not again!

Who the…

She had been so good for the past month; she hadn’t played at all. Yet the dreams were still haunting her, they wouldn’t leave her alone. Her waking moments were taken up thinking about it, and now the thoughts plagued her while she slept. The dream still played over in her mind… the affair, the duel, and the gay bar. She shivered.

Ahh, the good old “All just a dream” slap-in-the-face. My favorite type of ending…

*Punch*

Mary climbed out of bed and padded over to her desk. Hitting the button and hearing the machine purr to life, watching the screen flicker twice before glowing blue, she felt her restless soul quieten at last. Damn, she was helpless. She needed it, and she was giving in. She felt so cheap, like some sort of Freecell whore! She sighed as the familiar icon appeared on the desktop. With trembling fingers she double-clicked. A dextrous press of F2 started a new game and relief coursed through her veins.

Mary was a Freecell addict, pure and simple.

For fuck’s sake… At least Miss Paranoid seems to know how unhealthy her obsession is…

The End

And that’s it. A mishmash of half-assedness all around with chewy chunks of melodrama, poor pacing, pointless filler, and very roughly tied loose ends. I did not enjoy reading this fic. Not in the least. I even hated riffing it. I should have learned from Don’t Stop Believing not to do any more romance fics, but I am just a fucking glutton for punishment, aren’t I?

See you next time, when I suffer through something else.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back into this foray within the world’s most pointless rehash. Yesterday, we got started with not much of anything really happening apart from a festival of non-canon siblings getting lost on their way to the otaku convention. Well, I think, anyway: all we know is that Mattie Ross had a sister she didn’t bother to bring up in the movie, and that Tom Chaney’s mom was dumb enough to procreate twice.

Anyway, we’re not going to find out too much about this, because this will actually be the last part of this pointless adventure. Let’s get going, shall we?

We open up with an author’s note. This time, I’ll show it to you, because why not:

hello everyone, i have a new chapter for you. YAY! OK, so i just saw the original True Grit this morning. holy chiz, that movie is AWESOME! i loved it, and John Wayne is certainly one of my favorite actors now.

Well, I’ll give her this: at least she’s seen the original True Grit. To be perfectly honest, that’s actually something I need to get around to at some point in the near future. (I especially need to do it since Red River is actually kind of a badass movie, y’know?) So yeah, I’ll give this author some credit.

i also thoroughly enjoyed Glen Campbell’s portrayal of LaBoeuf, but I HATE THAT THEY KILLED HIM IN THE END! to me, that was unnecessary, but apparently he dies in the novel too.

And it’s also comforting to know that she doesn’t fawn over LaBoeuf just because he’s played by Matt Damon. That’s a comforting thing to read, believe me.

What’s less comforting is how rarely the word ‘I’ is capitalized in this author’s note. Seriously, she does realize that grammar never stops just because she’s talking informally, you know?

She then continues saying that her excitement over having seen it gave her the motivation to write this chapter. So after that, we rejoin the fic and start the chapter proper.

Catherine watched as LaBoeuf walked off, heading for the town stables.

Uh… Catherine, you realize that he could leave you behind, right?

She sighed and walked over to her white horse. “Let’s go Ivory” she said, swinging up into the saddle and riding off after LaBoeuf. “Mr. LaBoeuf, there is no sense trying to leave me behind” she said, walking Ivory along beside him.

Oh. Thank you. At least you’re going with him to the stables, rather than letting him walk off by himself.

Here, have half a redemption cookie for actually being at least partly intelligent at this point.

I say only ‘half’, because I very much doubt that you’re going to successfully convince LaBoeuf to bring you along. I doubt he would let you come along, especially since he’s probably heard by this point that Mattie Ross lost part of her arm after the snake bite…

LaBoeuf looked up at her. “Ms. Ross…”

“Call me Catherine”

“Catherine” LaBoeuf continued. “Do you have any idea what you would be up against if you were to come with me?”

Catherine nodded. “Yes, I am very well aware of what Dan Chaney is capable of”

*headdesk*

*snatches redemption cookie half out of her hands*

I take that back. I just… that line is so full of fail it’s incredible!

I know that the point of Tom Chaney was that he was an incompetent villain. I know that. He was a drunk idiot, and the only reason he was threatening was because he joined a posse with people that were actually threatening. Once that was taken away, he’s a bumbling idiot, and I get the feeling that this author is trying to do the same thing for Dan.

Here’s the thing about that: if you’re going to do the same thing with Dan, you can’t build Dan as intimidating in his actions! I mean, c’mon, Dan Chaney tried to kill you and Mattie as revenge! One would think that ‘revenge’ is ten steps above ‘I was drunk and acting like an idiot’ in terms of being an intimidating reason to kill somebody!

And if you’re going to attempt to portray him as a threatening presence, you can’t have his actions say “he’s an idiot!” I mean, seriously! He attempts to murder the two Ross daughters, but not the son and the mom? When he failed to kill you, he just ran away instead of coming back to finish the job? Wait… no, he failed to kill you! He seriously failed to kill two teenage girls, one of whom is amputated! I mean, sheesh, at least Tom actually shot your daddy! Dan Chaney doesn’t even have that going for him!

And hey, maybe he actually did have a pretty good plan to try to kill you, and something just went wrong? But I don’t know that! You haven’t told us anything about how Dan tried to kill you! Mattie Ross at least was able to tell Rooster Cogburn how her daddy died from the context clues surrounding the murder, but you can’t even be bothered to tell LaBoeuf about how Dan killed you when you were the freaking target! Even if you didn’t know all the details immediately after, you must have picked something up from the circumstances!

And besides, there’s more than that out there, right?

LaBoeuf chuckled. “Yes, but we’re sure to run into other criminals besides Chaney. And I’m not always going to be there to help you…”

Exactly! Tom Chaney was not the only threat Mattie Ross faced! LaBoeuf rightly has reservations about this, and for more reasons than just “Dan Chaney is a dangerous man”!

“Mr. LaBoeuf, I am more then capable of taking care of myself” Catherine said.

Mattie Ross said the exact same thing to Rooster Cogburn. It didn’t stop her from getting bitten by a rattlesnake and having to be amputated. Just saying.

LaBoeuf nodded. “Yes, I’m sure you are” he said, not really sounding like he believed her.

“Where will we be headed first?” Catherine asked.

LaBoeuf sighed. This girl wasn’t giving up. “Well first I’ll have to get my horse from the stable, since I won’t be going back to Texas right away”

*headdesk*

You know what? Let’s just go on.

Catherine smiled. She had always had a deep love of horses. “What breed do you have Mr. LaBoeuf?”

“Appaloosa” LaBoeuf said.

Oh, right, I forgot. We jump from the antagonist suddenly being both threatening and an idiot at the same time, into… this! I just… Oh God, this is going to get worse, isn’t it?

Catherine smiled more. “Oh, I’m sure he’s lovely!” when they got to the stable, Catherine got off Ivory and secured his reins to a hitching post. Then she followed LaBoeuf inside where he paid the stable owner and went to get his horse. Catherine gasped when she saw the large Appaloosa. “He’s beautiful!” she said, holding out her hand so the horse could sniff it.

I may remind you, ladies and gentlemen, that all this is one paragraph!

“Thank you” LaBoeuf said.

“What is his name?” Catherine asked, not surprised by LaBoeuf’s answer.

“Ranger”

“what a fitting name” Catherine said.

Yes, Catherine spends some time fawning over a horse. You know, because women in Westerns totally do that. It’s not like there are plenty of female characters in Westerns who help look after horses on a daily basis or anything like that! No, they all fawn over horses, especially when they’re ridden by a stranger.

*THWACK*

*places his copy of Shane on the desk*

Let’s just move on.

LaBoeuf quickly saddled up Ranger and led him out of the stable. Catherine went over by Ivory and untied his reins, getting up into the saddle and riding over to LaBoeuf. Ranger seemed frisky. “I haven’t ridden him in a few days” LaBoeuf explained, finally getting the horse to stand still long enough for him to mount.

Wait, Ranger hasn’t been ridden for a few days? Hold your horses there, LaBoeuf! Don’t you think you should check your horse first? It might have a health problem or something!

And wait, if you have a horse in a stable there, why the hell were you going to ride a train to Texas? Seriously, you were planning on leaving a horse you owned behind!? Talk about a dick move, LaBoeuf!

Also, hold on. LaBoeuf is supposed to be a Texas Ranger, right? What the hell is he doing outside of Texas!? At least in True Grit it was explained that LaBoeuf was chasing down Tom Chaney because he murdered a senator from Texas, but here? Here, he sort of just appears with no explanation whatsoever! Why is he here!? What is he doing in Franklin, in… uh… Ohinnegindiana?

*headdesk*

Let’s just move on.

He started to ride off, Catherine following him.

“So now where are we headed?”

Wait, hang on. You’re hunting down the man who tried to kill you and is likely responsible for other crimes, and you’re relying on LaBoeuf to do all your investigative work for you!?

Yeah, that’s a great idea! That won’t convince LaBoeuf that you’re not prepared to hunt down criminals in any way at all! And yeah, that won’t make it look like you don’t plan things out well at all! It’s not like you could’ve just asked the sheriff for anyone with Dan Chaney’s description or anything like that, and it’s especially not like you could’ve just gathered your intelligence that way! And oh yeah, let’s not forget for a second that this is totally plausible to expect this of someone who is a sibling of the great Mattie Ross!

*headdesk*

LaBoeuf hesitated. “Well…” LaBoeuf said. “We’re in Franklin now, and we’ll probably make it to Elkins in a few days” LaBoeuf said.

“Elkins? What is in Elkins?” Catherine asked.

“From what I’ve heard, the Chaney family has land there” LaBoeuf said. “They have for the last 100 years or so”

Wait just another minute! Chaney’s family had property in West Virginia!? Then what the hell was Tom Chaney doing as a hired hand? And here’s actually a better question: if they had that land for the last 100 years, then why wasn’t this land confiscated when the Civil War ended? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that True Grit takes place after the end of the Civil War! Why does the Chaney family still have land that far East? And if the Chaney family does have that land there, how does LaBoeuf know about it? His jurisdiction is in Texas, not West Virginia! And here’s an even better question to ask: what the fuck does West Virginia have to do with the Wild West? The last time I checked, West Virginia was nowhere near west enough to be considered part of the wild west: in fact, if it does appear in Westerns, doesn’t it usually function as a starting point rather than an ending point? Is this lady trying to write an Eastern rather than a Western?

Watch, our Sue is totally going to think that going there is a good idea!

“perfect!” Catherine said, smiling.

See? What did I—?

But then she frowned.

“What?” LaBoeuf asked.

“Now that I think about it, I doubt Chaney would go back home. Wouldn’t he come to the assumption that you would look for him there?”

Oh. Well, when you put it that way, it actually makes sense. And it’s on solid ground too.

Here, Catherine, you can have that half of a redemption cookie back.

“I doubt it” LaBoeuf said. “Chaney doesn’t have many friends, and not many people know where he lives”

“you certainly know a lot about Chaney, don’t you Mr. LaBoeuf?” Catherine said.

“Yes, I suppose I do” they rode out of Franklin in silence, not saying anything for several minutes.

*headdesk*

Okay, I’ve tried to avoid this as long as I can, but I need to ask this now: what the heck is up with the punctuation in the quotation marks? Seriously, if it’s not a question mark or an exclamation mark, it’s not there! C’mon, girl, everyone knows that quotations that end in a period end with a comma! And why are some of your words not capitalized? You’re consistent with the ‘I’ in the prose, but in everything else…

LaBoeuf found himself looking at Catherine, since he hadn’t really had a chance to get a good look at her before. She was very pretty, with long dark blond hair that nearly reached her waist, large brown eyes that were very expressive and full pink lips. She was short, but still taller then Mattie, and she struck LaBoeuf as sort of a tomboy. She wasn’t wearing a dress, but a white flannel shirt with tan pants and black riding boots that looked to be a bit too tight.

…

Wait, he’s looking at her, and he’s noticing that she’s hot. A grown man is looking this way at an anachronistically dressed teenager.

…

Fic, why is it that I am getting flashbacks to Sunshine?

“Mr. LaBoeuf?”

“What?” LaBoeuf snapped out of his thoughts and noticed Catherine looking strangely at him.

“Are you all right?”

LaBoeuf nodded. “Yes, I’m fine”

silence yet again.

And I figure it was a decidedly more awkward one than the last time. It’s not often that a sixteen-year-old teenager rebukes the guy who’s eyeing her up and actually gets him to stop looking, y’know?

“So where is she?” LaBoeuf finally asked.

“Where’s who?”

“Mattie. I’m a little surprised that she isn’t with you”

Oh, don’t be so surprised, LaBoeuf. I mean, she got bitten by a rattlesnake! I’m pretty sure she’d be a bit more reluctant to leave the house if that’s the case!

“oh” Catherine frowned, suddenly looking upset. “Do you remember when she fell into that pit and got bitten by a rattlesnake?”

LaBoeuf nodded. ‘Yes. Mind you, it wasn’t all that long ago”

“well… Mattie had to have her arm amputated because of it”

LaBoeuf didn’t hide the shock that was clearly written over his face. “Oh” he said slowly. “I… I’m sorry”

Wait, hang on. You mean LaBoeuf doesn’t know that Mattie Ross’ arm was amputated? Well, granted, it makes more sense than him randomly knowing about the fact that the Chaneys have a property in West Virginia since LaBoeuf didn’t stick around long enough to find out what happened to Mattie, but if that’s so why didn’t you establish this first!?

“don’t be” Catherine said sharply. “Mattie is strong, and she is taking it quite well.

Well, I didn’t think growing up to be a bitter old woman who doesn’t enjoy life would constitute “taking it quite well”, but apparently I was wrong.

It is a little more difficult for her to do some things now, but she is handling the situation very bravely”

“and that’s why she’s not with us now?”

Catherine nodded. “Yes. The doctor wants her to rest for a few weeks and try to get used to her arm, little by little. He doesn’t want her doing much, and that includes riding a horse”

“I see” LaBoeuf said.

Wait, a few weeks? You mean to tell me that this is taking place just after True Grit!? How the hell did Dan Chaney find out that Tom was dead within weeks of that death? Sheesh, Mattie killed him right in the middle of nowhere! What makes you think that he’d find out about a death in the middle of nowhere this quickly!? And this only amplifies the issue with LaBoeuf! I mean, why the fuck would LaBoeuf be here instead of back in Texas where his jurisdiction is!?

I swear, the logic in this fic just keeps getting worse with each direction I turn! This is…

…

Y’know what? I’m starting to get tired of this fic. Basically, it’s nothing but fawning over LaBoeuf and doing various things to make it a not-western anyway, so y’know what? I’m just gonna end it here.

Besides, it’s not like anything really major happens after this point. LaBoeuf and Catherine just sit around and talk a bit more. Catherine brings up some True Grit canon about how LaBoeuf and Rooster Cogburn (or, Rooster Cogburnnearly, as the fic calls him) left Mattie in the middle of the night, and after that conversation LaBoeuf starts fawning over Catherine’s horse. And then they set up camp for the night, and have more inane conversation that I think is supposed to constitute building a relationship between the two of them, but I wouldn’t know since I don’t care. So they go to sleep, and then Catherine wakes up to find that LaBoeuf has [somewhat predictably] left her behind.

And that’s where the story ends. The chapter itself ends with an A/N asking for reviews, so… yeah.

Eh… this was unremarkable at best. What I really need is a bad fanfic with a really overblown Mary Sue/Gary Stu in a canon I haven’t snarked in yet. Hell, maybe it could even deal with a subject matter I haven’t really tackled in the Library yet.

Thank God I have an impressive backlog built up, then. I wonder what the backlog will give me.

*sifts through, randomly draws a fic*

Okay, what have I gotten in—

*double takes*

Christian “fundamentalist” author tract!? I picked the fic with motherfucking CHRISTIAN “FUNDAMENTALIST” AUTHOR TRACT!?!?

…

I’m Herr Wozzeck, ladies and gentlemen. Grab your SWAT gear, and make sure you have the King James Bible on hand. Trust me, you’re going to need both of those things to get through the next fic I’m going to snark at.