275: Asari Healing – Chapter Three

Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic:  Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure
URL: Asari Healing Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello once again, guys, and welcome back to Asari Healing. This part of the snarking covers chapter 3, which is also the last chapter of this festival of insanity. And this is also my last chapter on break from Parallel Realities, so once we’re done with this… well, it’ll be back to shitty-ass logic, poorly paced action scenes, and tons of plot regurgitation.

Well, this snarking isn’t gonna finish itself, so let’s get going, shall we?

Last time on Asari Healing, we left off with Qui-Gon Jinn being kidnapped by Edward Cullen of Twilight fame for… evil experiments. Or something along those lines, I think. Obi-Wan and Anakin both follow in hot pursuit, along with Commander Shepard of the Normandy, who got called in by some matriarch asari who had healed Qui-Gon with the power of reproductive rituals.

And since this fic has long since discarded the notion of ‘making sense’, you can guarantee that from here on out shit is gonna go wild. So let’s dive right–.

Whoah!

*checks the above link*

Holy shit, did Jedi Qui-Gon actually delete this story?

…

Well, that’s okay, because I’ve preserved it for future generations to come! See, I had already finished the snarking before this story’s untimely deletion.

Ah, well. Let’s get going, shall we?

Read the rest of this entry »

269: Asari Healing – Chapter Two

Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic:  Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure
URL: Asari Healing – Chapter Two
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello again, children, and welcome back to the snarking of Asari Healing. Last time, it was established that the Republic and the asari can both cross billions (possibly trillions) of light years in the course of an hour, the asari can heal people with their sexual reproductive processes, and Qui-Gon Jinn is now a zombie that can talk. By this point, we have also established that this author is someone who can’t be bothered to explain what the hell is going on and how approximately half the fic is possible.

Nope, this one just jumps right into the action.

This, by the way, is exactly what we’ll be doing now. So let’s dig right into chapter two of this insanity fest.

Read the rest of this entry »

263: Asari Healing – Chapter One

Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic:  Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Asari Healing Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello children. Well, we’re still on break from Parallel Realities, and I did promise two fics. So here’s fic number two.

This fic was actually written by someone who I’ve known since I started making fun of bad fanfiction. Here’s the problem: by this point, he’s deleted pretty much every story of his that ever received a negative review. Which is a bummer, because he used to have a ton of stories on his profile where none of them made sense, every single character sounded like they were in a Saturday morning cartoon… oh yeah, and they were all multi-crossovers.

Thankfully, he still has two fics of that line of work that fit the singular description of ‘batshit insane’ pretty well, so I’ll be looking at one of them. (The other is a bit long for a shorter snarking, really.) Hopefully, I’ll have the whole thing done before he sees this and decides to delete this fic too.

So let’s get started.

Read the rest of this entry »