290: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith – Chapter Three Part TwoPosted: July 11, 2012
Title: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith
Topic: Star Wars / Land Before Time
Genre: Sci Fi / Adventure
URL: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith – Chapter 3
Critiqued by TacoMagic
Last time on Jedi’s destiny Littlefoot had a prophetic dream about his meeting with Marcus-Stu, an assassin destined to become a powerful
Sith-Lord Jedi. That’s really all that happened, actually.
This half of the chapter starts out with Littlefoot waking up and finding that he’s actually in his nest with his grandparents. They express concern which he waves off with an “I just had a weird dream” kind of excuse and then Cera shows up. Since we’re given no indication as to what time it is, I’m going to pretend that this is around 2am, and Cera is just one of those friends who doesn’t understand common courtesy.
Just then, a familiar voice rang out across the Valley.”Littlefoot!” his friend Cera called, searching for him. “Littlefoot!”
Apparently Cera is just going to wake everyone in the Valley up. Don’t you just hate that neighbor kid who screams out the window at her friends waiting in the car across the street?
“That’s Cera.” Littlefoot smiled at the thought of his friends, and looked back up at his grandfather and asked with a hopeful look, “Can I go play Grandpa?”
“No, it’s 2am. Tell your rude little friend to go home and then it’s back to bed!”
“Yes, just be back in time for breakfast.” his grandfather said, grinning at the boy’s enthusiasm. Littlefoot dashed out from his grandfather’s side, racing eagerly across the meadows to the patch of trees where he knew his friends were waiting for him. The elderly longneck shook his head wistfully as his mate stepped to his side. “Sometimes I wonder about that boy.” Grandma Longneck laughed, tenderly nuzzling her husband and replying,
Sometimes I wonder about that boy too. His golden thong and bedazzled “I’m a sex machine!” vest are just the tip of the iceberg, really.
Also, who said that last bit anyway? It’s kind of attributed to both of them. See, this why proper attribution is so important. I mean I KNOW that the dialogue that comes after the line break belongs to Grandma Longneck, but the attribution should go there too, not in Grandpa’s dialogue paragraph.
“Littlefoot is only going through what every young one goes through at his age. It’s all part of growing up. Now,” she pulled her mate gently in the direction of a gently flowing stream. “let’s get some breakfast.”
You know: dirty magazines, trash cans full of crumpled up Kleenex, empty lotion bottles, and lots of viruses on his laptop. Do I have to paint a picture for you, Grandpa!?!
Wait, Littlefoot was supposed to be back in time for breakfast, which Grandma just indicated is going down right now. I guess I’m not the only one confused at what time it’s supposed to be.
Littlefoot reached the Tall Trees after a minute or so, and found his friends awaiting him. “Hi Littlefoot!” Ducky and Petrie called simultaneously as he approached, smiling and waving.
Well, I guess “after a minute or so” is kinda moving in the right direction. At least we didn’t get “It took little foot one minute and 27 seconds to reach the Tall Trees.” I’m assuming “Tall Trees” are capitalized because it’s totally a band.
Tonight at the 40watt: Littlefoot and the Tall Trees! With covers Glass Closet Siths and Implosion Bomb-Rift! 3 drink minimum.
“Where have you been?” Cera asked him in an annoyed tone, not bothering to greet Littlefoot and wondering why he was late for the group’s usual gathering.
*Pulls the Redundant Cannon of Redundancy out from under his desk*
Time to test this baby out.
*Boom goes the cannon goes boom!*
*DRD Agents scatter as they run for cover*
Best thing I ever ordered from ACME.
I’d complain about Cera being an abrasive bitch here, but it’s actually in character for her so it actually fits. Well done, Author.
*Emails Jedi472 a cookie*
That’s a lot of emoting, I better cut that out before I get to like it.
“Sorry.” Littlefoot apologized, though he wasn’t sure he liked how Cera didn’t even say hi before grilling him with a demanding question. Still, Cera was a threehorn, and he knew he probably should’ve expected it from her. “I guess I slept in. I was having such a weird sleep story…” He trailed off, uncertain if he should even bring his dream up.
I’m getting the feeling that the author thinks it’s very important to greet people properly. Not sure where I’m getting that; probably just intuition.
True to form, Ducky bites and asks about the dream. Littlefoot doesn’t even hesitate before regurgitating it. So much for being uncertain if he should bring it up. I think our little longneck here was playing coy.
And, Littlefoot totally isn’t fishing for attention there. “Well, I had this dream, but you probably aren’t interested.”
“Awesome! It started when I was naked in class… wait you’re not!?!”
Encouraged by Ducky’s interest, Littlefoot continued. “Well, I was in the Dark Forest, and it was as if I was drawn by something, like a force was making me walk deeper inside. I found myself in a clearing, and these smaller, sharp-toed sharpteeth suddenly jumped out and closed in on me. Just when I thought I was dead, he appeared and killed them.”
A force was making him walk deeper inside, huh? Nope, not seeing the connection. I hope somebody at least asks who “he” is. Actually, no I don’t; Littlefoot is just playing coy again.
“Who?” asked Cera, who was rather irritated that the first conversation of the day had to be about dreams, something she put no stock in whatsoever.
Well, thanks for humoring him Cera. I’m sure that’ll end well.
“I don’t know.” Littlefoot answered, trying to remember the rest of his dream. “He was just an shadow. He walked on two legs and had arms and hands like Ducky. He used this glowing blue stick to kill the sharpteeth.”
“What happen after that?” Petrie pressed, perplexed by the story but still wanting to hear the rest.
“Then he and the raptors turned into smoke, and the next thing I knew, the smoke had turned into my mother!”Noticing the baffled looks on his friends’ faces, Littlefoot quickly continued, trying to go into detail but finding it hard to describe what he had seen. He also left out the part about the destruction of the Great Valley, as he didn’t want to scare anyone into a panic.
Dude, seriously, less gummy bear and jalapeno pizza before bed.
“‘You must work together to unlock each other’s powers’? What’s that supposed to mean?” Cera wondered aloud after Littlefoot had finished, the story and the words not making any sense to her.
I’m thinking Cera may be angling for audience favorite at this point.
So at this point everyone ruminates a bit about who the shadowy figure could be. Really that puts the audience way ahead of the curve here because the author really isn’t fooling anyone… unless Marcus is going to turn into a Sith Lord and another Jedi is going to come and stop him. Which would be totally awesome, and, unfortunately, way outside the writing skill of this author.
“Maybe if she’s right, we will see him someday.”Ducky said, hopeful to see this mysterious and intriguing creature Littlefoot spoke of.
“Ha! I doubt it!” Cera snorted, rolling her eyes at what she considered to be nonsense. “It was just a sleep story; I bet it doesn’t mean anything!”
High five, Cera! You’re totally at favorite character standing right now!
“Maybe. I wonder if I’ll find him in the real Dark Forest.” the young longneck mused to himself, ignoring Cera’s comment. “Maybe I should go check it out sometime…”
“I would not if I were you, no, no, no.” Ducky reminded him worriedly, using her traditional catchphrase.”There are sharpteeth in there!”
*Brandishes RCR cannon of redundancy*
You don’t want to make me use this again, DRD.
“But maybe it’ll help me find whoever was in my sleep story!” Littlefoot protested, knowing that Ducky had a point but still feeling the urge to find the being his mother had told him of. He knew something was going to happen, and the only way to find out was going into the Dark Forest. He was sure of it.
So, as it turns out that the mystical “force” that compels him to walk through the Dark Forest is actually stupidity.
Littlefoot heard his name being called, cutting off further talk of the dream, and strode casually back to his grandparents for breakfast.
This scene plays way better if you pretend “Staying Alive” is playing in the background.
“So Littlefoot,” his grandmother inquired, “what were you dreaming about last night?” Littlefoot glanced down at the ground before looking back at his grandmother. He hadn’t really considered telling his grandparents about the dream just yet.
Oh crap, is he going to explain the dream again? How many times can we revisit the same scene in this chapter!?!
“Well,” he started. “I was in the Dark forest, and I found myself in a clearing, and sharpteeth suddenly surrounded me.”
OK, everyone strap in.
Really? That sounds awful!” his grandmother said, cringing at the very idea. His grandfather had been listening also, and joined in as his interest was piqued.
Hey, the thesaurus was used correctly for once!
“What happened next, Littlefoot?” his grandfather pressed, intrigued at his grandson’s story.
So, author, what exactly is the difference between Grandpa’s interest being piqued and him being intrigued? Take your time.
“Then this figure suddenly appeared, but-” Littlefoot was cut off in mid-sentence as everyone in the Valley looked up and gasped at what looked like a blue whirlpool appeared in the sky, flashing and swirling like a hurricane on the ocean.
Um… no. Hurricanes don’t typically flash. Lightning is fairly atypical of hurricanes, so even IF I wasn’t picturing a flashing disco hurricane (which I totally am), one flashing with lightning really isn’t accurate for use with the simile.
This must be what my mother was talking about! The young longneck realized as he watched, captivated along with every other Valley resident as they stared up at the strange phenomenon. Suddenly, a huge object hurtled out of the vortex, collapsing it in the process. Although it was moving fast, Littlefoot could make out the red stripes adorning the object’s otherwise gray coloration. The object, semicircular in shape, was about the size of one of the boulders his grandparents and the other Valley residents liked to use for sealing off entrances to the Valley. Littlefoot could even make out two circles on the back of the object that glowed like the sun, which seemingly allowed the thing to fly.
I just… so the rift device encapsulated Marcus-Stu in that craft rather then teleporting him onto it? The rift collided with a rebel ship as it was teleporting here? WHAT THE HECK?!
As described in Marcus’s chapter, the ship almost crashes, but then lands safely. The new bit of information is that it lands in the Dark Forest.
Now I’ll definitely have to check that out, Littlefoot thought as he watched it disappeared under the treeline, hiding itself in amongst the dead trees of the Dark Forest.
The part about nearly being killed by raptors is best forgotten.
“Wow…what was that, Grandpa?” he asked, breaking the stunned silence that had fallen over the Valley.
“That would be a giant spaceship being piloted by a moron. We get those a lot here, Littlefoot.”
“I don’t know, Littlefoot,” his grandfather replied breathlessly, eyes fixed on where the vortex had been, unable to even guess at what the inexplicable thing might have been. “I don’t know.”
And thus we end the chapter as we began it… abusing a thesaurus.
See you next week, Patrons.