283: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution - Chapter Three, Part One

Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Author: DragonKnightRyu
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle
Submitted by Mr. Rofapofagus

Yo!  *slouches into the room*  Today we’re going to start Chapter Three of the Naruto/Harry Potter travesty abbreviated as “SW:R.”  Last time, we watched as Team Stu’s jonin sensei failed to protect himself from three genin and Harry-Sue-Jade decided to take her team to Harry Potter Land in order to learn to be wizards, even though they’re already ninja.  I think this picture summarizes my mental picture pretty well:

Hells yes, Google!
http://drawnbyerik.blogspot.com/2010/03/084-hippie-wizard-ninja.html

Let’s dive in!

Disclaimer: Why must I repeat it?

You mustn’t and, technically, you didn’t.  Putting that there served no purpose.  Well done.

We’ve given the breakdown of what constitutes talking/thinking/etc and then we jump into the chapter.

Chapter Three: Meet the Weasley’s

*snags the apostrophe and tosses it in the Punctuation Box*

I’m pretty sure that has absolutely no business being there.

Anyway, we rejoin our intrepid trio as they’re packing to leave.  In the Naruto universe, it is possible to seal things away in scrolls for later retrieval.  Typically, this is reserved for things like weaponry.  In this fic, however, they’re putting everything into giant scrolls instead of using the standard issue shinobi backpacks they’re given.  While they’re packing, Ryu and Harry-Sue have a gooey moment.  The three of them talk about how it will be exciting to leave the village but it’ll be sad to be gone for so long.

Ryu smiled reassuringly and wrapped his arms around her while Naruto gave her a thumbs up “Besides,” Ryu said “This is the adventure we always wanted to have, going off into the complete unknown with our friends at our side.”

I’m pretty sure trans-dimensional travel was not part of the “dream adventure” they’ve been planning.  I would think something more like “Let’s  go visit The Land of Wind” was in the works.

They leave the house and Ryu seals it.

The other two smiled at him as they left the house and Ryu locked it down “Fuinjutsu: Kami Fuin(1).” He intoned as the entire house glowed white for a second before the glow faded “There, now no one can get in until one of us unseals it.”

The footnote at the end tells us that Ryu used something called “God’s Seal” which is not a canon jutsu.  I imagine it’s supposed to be some sort of super powerful protective seal if it keeps everyone out of the house.  This is just an example of Author-Stu at work because I’m pretty sure any average jonin could disarm the seal and walk right in if things were actually canon.

We’re taken next to the Hokage tower where Dumbledore and the Hokage are hanging out.  Sarutobi wanders off and Dumbledore follows.  They run into Mizuki as Mizuki is stealing the forbidden scroll from the first episode/first manga arc.  I mentioned this occurrence before: this is the major plot point that our author skipped entirely.  In canon, Naruto steals the scroll and then defeats Mizuki in order to keep the scroll safe and protect Iruka from being killed.  Not so in Bizarro Naruto World.

Being the curious meddling old man he was Dumbledore followed the Hokage who lead him to a vault area that had an open door “And what do you think you are doing with that scroll Mizuki?” Sarutobi called out catching the attention of said chunin who was greedily clutching at the Forbidden Scroll with a crazed look, turning Mizuki paled when he saw the Hokage standing in front of the vault with some unknown elderly man who looked slightly amused at the situation.

Dumbledore is amused at petty theft.

Also, Mizuki is already pale, you dolt.

Mizuki suddenly grinned ‘This is to good,‘ he thought to himself in glee ‘If I bring this old fools head as well as the forbidden scroll Orochimaru-sama will surely bless me with great power.‘ Mizuki grinned wider as he began to change, tiger prints appeared all over his body and his muscle mass increased dramatically along with his height, when it was over he was twice as tall and three times as muscled from before “Nothing much, just getting this scroll, and now your head,” Mizuki taunted “All so I can gain power like this from Orochimaru-sama!”

….

Pardon me but I need to bring in the big guns for this one.

*snags Harry the Hardback off the shelf*

*WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM*

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of a timesquiggle.

Mizuki turning into a tiger-man is canon in the anime only, and even then it is canon AFTER the chunin exams during the filler arcs at the end of the fucking series before we get into what’s called “Naruto Shippuden,” which is the continuation of the story 3 years later.  This is all supposed to happen after Orochimaru kills Sarutobi.  What the hell is this author thinking?!

*wanders off to find some Advil*  I have a headache…

After he said that he launched himself at Sarutobi at high speeds making the elder sigh in disappointment, Mizuki lashed out only to strike at a hazy shield that surrounded the two elders, Sarutobi glanced at Dumbledore who had his wand out and raised his eyebrow “Consider this a demonstration as to what a fully trained Wizard can do.” Dumbledore explained as swished his wand and a red light shot out of the wand and impacted Mizuki sending the traitor flying “Oh?” Dumbledore questioned as Mizuki rose to his feet “Normally that would knock a person out.” He swished his wand again and a rope of fire lashed out against Mizuki who howled in pain as the fire burned him.

I understand that Dumbledore is trying to help defend against an obviously insane shinobi, but wouldn’t something a little less… uhm… aggressive be Dumbledore’s style?  Such as the leg-lock curse or total-body-bind?  I have a hard time seeing Dumbledore as the kind that would start off with “burning whip” spells.

Growling Mizuki launched himself at Dumbledore who had yet to move only for the Headmaster to swish his wand sending out a blast of wind that sent Mizuki flying once more “I think that is enough of a demonstration,” Sarutobi mused as he stepped forward “Let me show you what a fully trained shinobi can do.”

On this episode of Geriatric Show-Offs…

Both of these men are old enough to have outgrown the “My sword is bigger than your sword” mentality that seems to affect adolescent boys.

Now, all the Male Posturing aside, I’d like to ask one very important question regarding what’s  going on in this hallway:

Where the hell are Genma and Raido?!

Genma and Raido are what are considered Tokubetsu Jonin, or “Special Jonin.”  These are those guys that are not exactly all-around “jonin” level but are specialists in a certain skill that rises them to jonin rank.  What, pray tell, make Genma and Raido Tokubetsu?  What’s their special skill?  It’s keeping the Hokage alive, that’s what.  They’re the secret service for the Hokage: his elite bodyguards.  So where the hell are they during all this?!  Did they get the day off or something?

*sigh*

Moving right along…

Mizuki rose unsteadily to his feet and charged at the elderly leaders and threw a punch only for the aged Hokage to stop it, using a single hand. Sighing the leader punched Mizuki full in the gut sending the traitorous chunin flying into a wall impacting hard, making a few handseals Sarutobi glare sternly at the chunin “Katon: Ryuuka.” He intoned coldly and spit out a massive dragon of fire that consumed the chunin incinerating him “That is why I’m Hokage.” He stated to the corpse as he turned to spot an amazed team 11 and a squad of ANBU at the ready “Clean up the remains.”

*headdesk*

I’m amazed he didn’t just burn down the friggin’ Hokage Tower by using a massive ball of flame inside.  Did he also incinerate the forbidden scroll that he’s supposed to be keeping safe, because it never mentioned that Mizuki put the scroll down.  I don’t think a “My bad” is going to make up for that one, Hokage-sama.

Also, the ability to burn a chunin to a crisp in front of a wizard you only just met is not why you are Hokage.  You are Hokage because of your advanced knowledge of fighting techniques and overall ninja ability.  You are wise and fair, able to see underneath the underneath.  You are not Hokage because you can BBQ a lesser ninja for stealing.

There’s another gaping plot hole here big enough to toss a 1970′s Chrysler through:  Mizuki mentioned Orochimaru.  At this point in canon, Orochimaru is an S-Class criminal, baddest of the bad.  In America, he’d be Number One on the Top 10 Most Wanted list.  Everyone wants that guy dead for the atrocious crimes he’s committed.  If Mizuku mentioned Orochimaru, Sarutobi would not have killed him.  He would have subdued him then happily handed him over to Ibiki, the commander of the Torture and Interrogation Force, so they could figure out where the hell Orochimaru is hiding.

So there.

Ryu whistled lowly as the ANBU rushed to fulfill the Sandaime’s order “That was some Jutsu jiji.” He complimented “And that stick work was interesting to say the least.”

Jade nodded in agreement as she analyzed the Headmaster “Maybe I could learn something interesting,” she mused pleasantly making Dumbledore smile with a twinkle in his eye “You have one creepy ass smile you know that right?”

Harry-Sue is just so endearing with her comments, isn’t she?  I’d just love to endearingly smack her upside the head with a shovel.  What a rude little beyotch she is.

Oh, I forgot to ask a moment ago… why were the ANBU standing idly in the hallway if Mizuki was attacking their Hokage?  Demote those men right now!  *points finger at the masked shinobi*  For shame!

Everyone busted into laughter at her comment, even the ANBU were chuckling as they swept the ashes “No, no has.” Dumbledore denied amused before looking at team eleven “Are you ready?”

*headdesk*  No!  Her comment was not funny.  At.  All.  You people need to get a sense of humor.

How are the ANBU sweeping up the mess?  Did they just know to show up with brooms?  Maybe they’re pulling double duty as janitors.  Must be a slow day for the Black Ops if they’re traveling around with cleaning supplies.  I wonder if I can get them to come do my windows.

So, anyway, I think Sarutobi’s show of ridiculous disregard for life has rendered Dumbledore incoherent.  “No, no has” makes no, no sense.

Number Eight Fruit Tree tells Dumbledore that they’re ready to go and Dumbledore asks where their suitcases are.

Naruto grinned widely as he held up a scroll “Living with an up and coming seal master has its perks.” He commented as he unsealed a piece of candy and ate it much to Dumbledore’s surprise.

You packed candy in your scroll?  Wow, that was a worthwhile use of chakra.  *rubs temples*  And you unsealed a single piece without offering anyone else some?  What a dick.

Sarutobi says goodbye to them and they crowd around Dumbledore.

“I will be taking you to a family of Wizards and Witches,” he explained “They are the Weasley’s and I would trust them with my own life.”

*steals the apostrophe and the capitalized letters*  These will come in handy some other time, I’m sure.  *tosses them in the box*

And with that they vanished in a plume of fire ‘The wheels of fate are moving,‘ Sarutobi mused as he stared at the spot they disappeared before glancing over to the remains of Mizuki and sighing ‘This is going to cause a mess of paperwork isn’t it?‘

I thought the ANBU swept him up already?  Damn, they’re taking a long time about it.  There isn’t that much of him left to sweep away.  The average human body turns into about 5 pounds of ash.  That’s about 20 cups. which is just about 1.25 gallons.  (The things I google for you people… sheesh…)  If the ANBU are taking this long to sweep away a gallon of ash then you have more important things to worry about than paperwork.  You need to get yourself some new janitors.

That’s where we’ll end it for this week.  Join me next Saturday when our trio of tripe reappear in Harry Potter Land.  Ta!

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