277: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution - Chapter Two, Part Two

Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Author: DragonKnightRyu
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Two
Critiqued by Lyle
Submitted by Mr. Rofapofagus

Konnichiwa.  Today we’ll be finishing up chapter two of the epic* story “Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution,” a cross-over fic that tries to merge Harry Potter with Naruto in the most baffling way ever.  Harry Potter, portrayed by a girl named Jade, is a newly-graduated ninja who is madly in love with the author, a guy named Ryu.  Naruto is their best friend and all three of them have been raised as siblings.  On top of that, the author apparently hates everyone in the Naruto universe because no one has been portrayed as even remotely close to canon.

*Not epic in the slightest.

The last time we met, we were introduced to a jonin (highest rank) ninja named Hachi, which means “eight” in Japanese.  Number Eight, a non-canon character, will most likely be cell-leader of Team Stu.  Jade/Harry has to decide if she wants to take her team away from everything they’ve ever known in order to learn to be a wizard so she can defeat Voldemort.  Let’s see what happens!

“So your here to pick up your team right?” Iruka asked as Hachi nodded “Alright, let’s see here Team 11 led by Hachi Tachibana consists of,” Iruka raised an eyebrow and grinned “Consider yourself lucky Hachi-san, you’ve got the best team of the year, Jade Potter,” Jade looked up as she heard her name a clutched at Ryu’s hand praying that he was on her team and Kiba wasn’t “Ryu Hisanaga,” Jade squealed in excitement and glomped Ryu tightly making him, turn blue “And finally,” he grinned as the entire class leaned forward in anticipation “Naruto Uzumaki.”

*sigh*  Yeah, Author here hasn’t read any of the manga or seen the show.  That’s not how teams are picked.  The genin teams are chosen based on their overall school performance.  They’re structured to balance out the abilities of the junior shinobi.  In canon, Sasuke is the top of the class in ability.  That’s why he’s paired with Naruto and Sakura.  Naruto came in dead-last (dobe) in the class, so Sasuke balances out Naruto’s shortcomings.  Similarly, Sakura’s superior intellect far surpasses the two boys’.  Her brains will balance out the knucklehead that is Naruto while both boys make up for her lack of physical stamina.  This is actually explained to the teams when they question why they have to be matched up together.

Also, Tachibana is an inedible fruit tree native to Japan… sooo, Shinobi-Stu’s name is Eight Fruit-tree.  *snickers*  Sounds more like an address to me.

“That’s not the best team Iruka-sensei!” Sakura protested “It doesn’t have Sasuke-kun so it couldn’t be the best-”

“SHUT IT BITCH!” Iruka yelled demonically Shutting her up in an instant “I admit Sasuke is skilled but unless he takes that 80-foot tall pole out of his ass he will never amount to anything, ever, not even Itachi was as stuck up as him.”

Holy fuck.  What in the world is Iruka smoking?!  No one talks about Itachi, especially not in front of Sasuke.  For those not in-the-know, Itachi murdered the entire Uchiha clan with the exception of his little brother, Sasuke.  Sasuke lives to kill his brother for the crimes committed against the family.  Seriously… this “I hate every character in this fandom” shit is driving me batty.

*shoves the fangirl back down a bit before she can write a scathing review to the author*

Deep breaths, Lyle…

Sasuke growled as he leapt at Iruka at the mention of his brother and was sent flying into the wall by a simple flick from Iruka who never turned to face him “So will you three please join Hachi-san?” he said pleasantly as he continued to counter Sasuke’s feeble attempts at attacking him, he suddenly gripped Sasuke’s wrist and looked at him with his eyes glowing red and a sadistic grin that put Anko Mitarashi to shame “How about I show you the Umino bloodline bitch?“

Firstly, although it is not smart to mention Itachi in front of Sasuke, he wouldn’t attack Iruka for saying the name should the teacher actually have said it.  He would sit there and glower darkly.  Sasuke’s attempts, if he actually did try to attack Iruka, would not have been feeble, either.  He’s fast enough that he can almost keep up with Kakashi, the jonin that becomes the canon sensei of Naruto et al.  Iruka, a chunin of no particular noted skill, would be able to fend him off but probably not so off-handedly.

Secondly, what the fuck is wrong with Iruka in this fic?  Is he possessed by a demon or something?  He doesn’t swear at the children, he doesn’t behave this way, and he most certainly doesn’t have a blood-line limit trait.  What does that last, bold-faced sentence mean?!

Anyway, so Team Stu leaves and sits on the roof.  Number Eight introduces himself and blathers on about his likes and dislikes and that he wants to start his own clan.  That’s a little difficult to do single-handedly, especially if he’s going to be taking off to Harry Potter Land with a bunch of kids.

Said kids are then asked to introduce themselves, state their likes and dislikes, their hobbies, and then their dreams.  These are the questions that Kakashi asks Team Seven in canon.

Ryu grinned “Well my name is Ryu Hisanaga,” he began leaning forward placing his elbows on his knees “I like Jade-chan and my bro here, Fuinjutsu, and anything with a blade, My dislikes include certain council members and villagers, the lack of respect bro gets and I HATE traitors with a passion, My hobbies include learning and creating new seals, pranking with these two and hanging out with Jade-chan, my dream? Well I suppose for now it’s marrying Jade-chan and having a family with her.”

Jade blushed as he finished “My name is Jade Potter, I like Ryu-kun and Naruto-kun, I enjoy reading while cuddling with Ryu-kun and I really like eating dango,” she grinned and drooled a bit at the thought of her favorite food “My dislikes are Arrogance, preconceived notions and false information, and I really dislike the way a certain Inuzuka acts like I’m his property,” she snarled at the last part with a dangerous glint in her eyes “My hobbies are reading, learning genjutsu, pranking, and snuggling with Ryu-kun, my dream is the same as Ryu-kun’s.”

*gag*

This is why having those two on the same team is a very, very, very bad idea.  Being all oogy-brained about your teammates leads to problems with your ability to follow instructions and function like a shinobi.  We see this with Sakura in canon, where she freaks out when she thinks Sasuke gets injured, even though it’s only an illusion.

Naruto grinned widely and adjusted his Hai-ate “My name is Naruto Uzumaki!” he said enthusiastically “My likes are Ramen, pranking, and hanging out with my friends, My dislikes are the time it takes for Ramen to cool, the villagers hatred over something I have no control over and Bigotry, my hobbies are pranking and training while my dream is to become Hokage and surpass all the others before me!”

*SMACK* Hitai-ate.

The rest is actually pretty accurate for Naruto, except for the bigotry part.  That’s never really mentioned but Naruto is a pretty open-minded kid so *shrug* It’s believable enough.

Hachi grinned at that statement and looked at his new team “Now normally at this time I would test you on your teamwork,” he said “But considering the fact that the three of you not only live together but ply pranks on the entire village together I think your teamwork is already there, so instead we’ll be having a spar to see where your level of skill is at, alright?”

*groan*  Really?  We’re going to be subjected to more “OMG We kicks soooo much ass!”?  Eff this!

*tries to leave*

BZZZZZT!

Damn it, Ghostie!  That’s my bit!

*grumbles*  Okay, fine.  Moving right along…

They head to one of the training grounds and we’re told that someone is hiding nearby to watch.  I’m guessing it’s the Hokage and Dumbledore but we’re not told that yet.  Number Eight tells them to not hold back and the three start to attack him.  We’re given a long, rambling narrative of how they attack together.  Look closely, everyone… there is only one period in that bitch.

Hachi blinked as everything was suddenly reversed, up was down, left was right and vice versa, he saw Ryu attacking him again and reacted automatically getting cut as Ryu`s attack connected, the pain caused the genjutsu to dispel but the damage was done as Ryu slashed at Hachi`s shoulder rendering the arm useless, tsking Hachi ducked under Ryu`s next attack and kicked him away but could follow up the attack as Jade and come flying in with a flying roundhouse kick that Hachi narrowly dodged and counted with a back hand only for his fist to sail through the illusionary clone dispelling it, looking around he noticed the the entire team had vanished “Not bad gakis,” he whispered “Not bad at all.”

*sighs and grabs the chalkboard*  There is just so much wrong with each paragraph of shit this guy writes.  I’m going to have to start making a list.  *snatches up the chalk*

1.) Number Eight is a horrible jonin if genin are able to actually injure him.  Demote this man right now.  He sucks.

2.) For the umpteenth time, stop pluralizing Japanese. There is no “s” on the end of the word gaki.

3.) Gaki are ghosts of a sort that feed on human refuse:

The one of the right is a gaki. The one of the left is totally screwed.

4.) Number Eight just called his new students a group of shit-eating demon ghosts.   What a dick.

Anyway, so the trio vanish into the surrounding woodlands…

Hachi sniffed deeply as he tracked the trio of genins by sent with a grin on his face, so far he had to admit he was impressed with the trio, he had been holding himself back to the level of a high-chunin, low-jonin to test them and they still were able to wound him and evade him for this long.

Erm, what?  Although all chunin are not created equal (and the same can be said for jonin-level shinobi) there is no “high-chunin” or “low-jonin” rank differentiation.  You’re either good enough to be considered one, or you’re not.  The closest to a “low-jonin” would be what’s considered a “special jonin,” which is a chunin with one ability that ranks in the jonin-level.

Also… *SMACK!*  Genin.  Not “genins.”

So, Hachi can smell them out, eh?  To me, this means one of two things:  he really is an Akita or none of those three Super-Stu-Sue-Shinobi have bathed recently and, damn, they reek.

Anyway, so Number Eight Fruit-tree sniffs around to track the errant genin…

He definitely curious as to where Naruto went as he hasn’t seen him since the match began only for his wondering to be answered when a shout of “NOW!” echoed through the woods beginning the attack by a mass of multiple blonds raining from the treetops surprising Hachi with the numbers “KAI!” he shouted as he brought his hands up and disrupted his chakra thinking it was a genjutsu only for the numbers to remain unchanged “Well fuck.” He said as he kicked up his pace to mid-jonin level to cut his way through the blond ocean of clones that seemed to keep coming.

*snicker*

Okay, if you’re a fucking ninja and you want to get the drop on someone, you do not, under any circumstances, yell “now” before attacking.

This is another instance where having proper punctuation would help the author not look like an utter doof.  “KAI” are not numbers, not even in ancient Rome.

So, Naruto uses his signature “Kage Bunshin no Jutsu” and throws a hundred shadow clones at the hapless “jonin.”  I’m getting the impression that even at “Full-jonin” level *eye roll* Number Eight is going to have trouble with these three.  Seriously… can someone please demote this guy already?

Unknown to him the trio sat further above him each in different spots and another clone in another creating a square “Begin,” Ryu whispered into his radio set to the others and they all began a set of handseals “Fuinjutsu: Four Ten Secchakuzai(2).” Ryu intoned as massive amounts of Ryu’s special adhesive covered the area trapping Hachi and the clones.

Wait… when did they get the walkie-talkies?  Do they always carry them around?  They left from the school and went directly to the training grounds.  It was never mentioned that they had radio sets.

Anyway… so, Ryu uses the bastardized version of Izumo’s special ability again to trap the incompetent Sensei-Stu.  The (2) footnote marker tells us this at the end of the fic:

2- Fuinjutsu: Four Ten Secchakuzai: Sealing Art: Four Pint Adhesive

I fail to see how a whole pint of adhesive is going to do sod all against Number Eight Fruit-tree.  Maybe it’s really gorilla glue.  That stuff’s nasty.

The trio descended to the ground outside of the area as the clones dispelled facing their sensei with cheeky grins while he glowered at them “Figures you’d use one of your prank seals in a spar.” Hachi grumbled while the genin laughed.

Prank seal?  Uhm… *scratches head*  That “prank seal” managed to stick you to the ground, Number Eight.  I’d have to say that it’s a pretty effective supplementary combat jutsu to do that to a “jonin.”  After all, it’s stolen right from Izumo’s Starch Syrup Water Release, which is a flipping supplementary combat jutsu.

*THWACK!*

Why are there so many idiots in this fic?!

Moving right along…  Number Eight sucks all the sticky stuff into a scroll and seals it away, which is about the most “jonin” thing he’s done so far.

“I think their good enough, don’t you Hachi?” a voice asked from behind the genin, the trio leapt out of their skins and whirled around to see a smirking Sarutobi standing there with his pipe in his hands “Well done you three,” he said smiling proudly “You’ve certainly earned the rank of genin,” he took a puff from the pipe “Now that that is out of the way, Do you wish to meet with Dumbledore Jade?”

Sarutobi is the surname of more than one ninja in Konoha.  So, which one is standing there?  Considering he’s smoking a pipe, it’s got to be Hiruzen (the Hokage), but I’m giggling at the thought that it’s really Sarutobi Konohamaru with a bubble-pipe.

Sarutobi nodded and lead Team 11 to the Hokage tower making small talk with the aged leader before he led them to a meeting room and gestured them inside, entering they immediately spotted a man that looked to be Sarutobi’s age with a long beard wearing a pointed hat and robes, both a midnight blue, and half-moon spectacles, while he looked odd, they could not deny that this man emanated power. The stranger rose to his feet as Team Eleven entered and smiled at them “Hello, my name is Albus Dumbledore, I am glad to see you alive Jade.” He greeted kindly.

*smacks DKR upside the head*  If you’re going to use numerals to indicate the team number, then don’t suddenly switch to typing it all out!

Anyway, so Harry-Sue mentions that her mom spoke highly of him and then asks him to explain about wizards.  Dumbledore informs them that he’s the headmaster of Hogwarts and that magic is essentially the same thing as chakra.

Jade raised an eyebrow “You seemed to be avoiding the real issue here,” she countered flatly “Voldemort.”

Dumbledore flinched at her tone “Yes,” he sighed “There is a prophecy that speaks of you defeating Voldemort thus freeing the Wizarding and Muggle world from him.”

*twitch*

Did… did RDK just use the words “Dumbledore” and “flinched” in the same sentence?  What.  The.  Hell?  Dumbledore doesn’t flinch, especially not at something a bratty 12-year-old says.

Anyway, so Dumbledore tries to convince her to come fight Voldemort for “the greater good” and Harry-Sue flips her shit.

“Whose greater good?” Jade cut him off glaring as she spiked some KI “How would me fighting some guy I don’t know be good for me or Konoha, and don’t even try that revenge bullshit with me because I am not some gay ass emo PANSY!”

*SMACK!*

You might not be a “gay ass emo PANSY” but you are a little shit-head.  Also, for “the greater good” I’m mentally inserting a hyphen between ass and emo.  *snerk*

As suddenly as her temper tantrum starts, it stops when Ryu touches her arm.  Naruto makes a suggestion that they give it a try to see if maybe “magic” is useful.  If they don’t like it, they’ll just come home.  For Naruto, that’s a very logical thought process.

…

Okay, RDK, who is this character and where have you put the real Naruto?  The canonical knucklehead would not have made that connection.

Anyway, so Dumbledore tells them that he’ll take them back to Harry Potter Land to get their school supplies.  The term starts in two months.

Jade nodded and looked at Sarutobi “Team Eleven you will be leaving in one day for a long term A-ranked mission to scout out opportunities for future relations with the wizarding world,” Sarutobi ordered sounding like the grizzled veteran he was “Make sure you stock up on you shinobi equipment as you may not be able to resupply once you leave, understood?”

Because no one in the real world makes ninja weaponry.

Team Super-Sue leaves and Dumbledore tells the Hokage that those three are going to be trouble.  We change scenes and are back at the home of the genin.

Jade sighed as she flopped into bed next to Ryu “Kami I hope I’m doing the right thing,” she whispered into his chest “I don’t want to do all of this for nothing.”

*blinks*

Uhm… if she flopped onto the bed next to him, how in the world is she talking into his chest?  Did she flop so hard that he bounced over on top of her and is now crushing her?  I hope she gets smothered so we don’t have to listen to her whine.

Ryu tries to reassure her that at the very least they’ll get paid for this.  How pragmatic of him.

“I guess so,” she agreed before propping herself up to look Ryu in the eye “Ryu-kun, do you love me?” she asked in a fearful whisper.

Uhm, didn’t we already go over this last chapter?  The answer was “yes” if I remember the hurf-worthy mush I was forced to read.

Ryu smiled softly as he cupped her face “I love everything about you Jade-chan,” he whispered back soothingly as he rubbed her cheeks with his thumbs “Forever and always, no matter what happens.”

That feels like an evasive answer.  It sounds like he’s practicing for when she asks him if her robes make her look fat.

We end the chapter with the words “passionate kiss,” which should never be involved in a story about 12-year-olds.

That’s it for this week.  If you need me, I’ll be in my bathroom pouring bleach on my eyeballs.  Join me next Saturday when I start in on “Chapter 3: Meet the Weasley’s.”  I’m not sure what possession of theirs we will be meeting, though.  I’m hoping it’s be the family ghoul.

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