269: Asari Healing – Chapter Two

Title: Asari Healing
Author: Jedi Qui-Gon
Media: Video Game / Movie / Book
Topic:  Mass Effect / Star Wars / Twilight
Genre: Adventure
URL: Asari Healing – Chapter Two
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello again, children, and welcome back to the snarking of Asari Healing. Last time, it was established that the Republic and the asari can both cross billions (possibly trillions) of light years in the course of an hour, the asari can heal people with their sexual reproductive processes, and Qui-Gon Jinn is now a zombie that can talk. By this point, we have also established that this author is someone who can’t be bothered to explain what the hell is going on and how approximately half the fic is possible.

Nope, this one just jumps right into the action.

This, by the way, is exactly what we’ll be doing now. So let’s dig right into chapter two of this insanity fest.

We open the chapter with this:

Two months have passed since Asari Matriarch Seneya arrived at the Jedi Temple. Anakin and Obi-Wan are sparring in the Jedi Temple training room. Qui-Gon and Seneya are watching them.

The dog peed on the cat. The doctor wrote on his paper. The prose looked like it was written by a four-year-old.

“Nice job, Anakin. You were able to keep my light saber from getting through your defenses for a longer period of time than yesterday.” Obi-Wan says after a long sparring match.

Of course, we’re never actually going to see this match. Sorry, Anakin, we have bigger things to get to today.

“One day, I will win against you. I will be a great Jedi Master one day.”

“You have a long way to go Anakin, but you can do it.

Uh…

Whatever happened to that whole thing of Anakin being careful not to fall to the Dark Side? Doesn’t being a Jedi Master also involve a great deal of philosophical conditioning involving being able to resist temptation? Here is Anakin, being like ‘oh hey I’m gonna be a great Jedi Master someday’. Isn’t ambition like that supposed to be dangerous for a Jedi to have?

Obi-Wan, I’d just like to say that you’re currently doing a terrible job of making sure Anakin Skywalker is going to become a Jedi Master someday. At the rate he’s going, he’s going to become Darth Vader sooner than George Lucas wants him to become Darth Vader.

It is getting late, we should go to bed.”

“Nice job with training, Anakin Skywalker.” Qui-Gon says.

What he should also say: “I should remind you, though, that his training is philosophical as well as physical. He may fall to the Dark Side at this rate.”

What he actually says: nothing else.

Anakin and Obi-Wan go to their sleeping quarters.

“Qui-Gon, we should go to bed also. We can do more training tomorrow.” Seneya says to Qui-Gon.

W-wait, what? This random Seneya lady is training Qui-Gon? I thought she was there to oversee Qui-Gon’s physical therapy! Now she’s training him? What the hell?

I mean, seriously, what the hell would Seneya even be doing to train Qui-Gon? Biotics are not the same as the force: whereas one is supposed to be a mystical force that sort of just is, the other is something that involves people being able to manipulate properties of sci-fi physics. I have no idea what the hell Seneya would be teaching Qui-Gon, I really don’t.

The Jedi and Asari go their quarters. Qui-Gon’s sleeping room is next to Seneya’s room.

Because we really needed to devote two sentences to seeing random guys go off to the sleeping quarters. I’m sure the proximity of Seneya to Qui-Gon won’t be important in the least!

Several hours after Seneya fell asleep; she is awakened by a scream.

Oh. Okay, so I was wrong about that. Well, finally. It only took this guy half of the second chapter to get around to describing a detail in the scenery that is actually relevant to the plot.

“Qui-Gon!” Seneya yells as she runs to the door and finds it locked. She rips the door off with her Biotic powers.

…

Okay…

*shrugs*

Well, at least it’s more plausible than what Flynn pulled in Udina gets some Advise. At least there’s that, I guess, even if biotics haven’t been shown to do things like that.

“What happened?” Obi-Wan says as he and Anakin run into the room.

Wait, hang on a second. You’re going to have Seneya open the door, but you’re not going to show the scene that greeted her when she opened the door?

I mean, seriously, that—

“Someone or something took Qui-Gon! We need to get a starship out of the hangar and give chase. The window is busted. They must have gone outside and possibly want to escape the planet!”

…

Wow.

I never thought I’d have to use the phrase “show, don’t tell” so damn literally, but here we are. I mean, Jesus Christ!

“It may be Jenna Zan Arbor, lets go!” Obi-Wan says as he, Anakin, and Seneya run down the halls to the hangar.

Wait, hang on. So Seneya ran on over, and they couldn’t even get a trace on the guy? This matriarch was right next door! You’re seriously telling me that this lady ran all the way over to Qui-Gon Jin’s room and somehow didn’t get there in time to see someone flee with Zombie Qui-Gon? I don’t buy that for a second.

And for those of you wondering, Jenna Zan Arbor is some mad scientist lady from the Star Wars Expanded Universe. This actually shocks me that this guy has enough knowledge about the Expanded Universe to know that Jenna Zan Arbor was a bad girl in canon: according to Wookiepedia, she was a scientist for the Separatists during the Clone Wars.

Somehow, the fact that Jedi Qui-Gon knows about the more obscure parts of canon and yet just doesn’t care about getting the larger picture right is much more unsettling than the fact that he doesn’t know as much canon as he should.

*takes a shaky breath in*

Let’s just continue.

Seneya’s COM link beeps and she takes it out.

Which is weird, because I could’ve sworn most people in the Mass Effect galaxy keep a comm link attached to their ears.

“Seneya, we got a taunting message from someone by the name of Cullen.

…

Wait, someone named Cullen?

*glances at the description, then looks back at the story*

No no no, this story couldn’t possibly be that stupid. Could it?

He said we will never get Qui-Gon back and then the windows all shattered as a spaceship took off. It was huge!

“It was so huge that I’m just gonna tell you how huge it was! That’s gonna give you a good idea of the stakes involved, right? Right?”

The good news is that one of our ships in space jacked into the ship’s navigation systems and copied the coordinates it was heading to.”

*jolts*

Uh… Well… Uh…

…

Yeah…

Uh… fic?

That. Makes. No. Fucking. SENSE!!!

A ship managed to have enough sentience to hack into another ship’s navigation systems to copy and paste the coordinates it was heading to? How the hell did it do that? And on top of that, if you had ships up there in space, why the hell didn’t they stop this mysterious abductor from getting away? I mean, I could understand if the ship didn’t have any weapons on it or anything, but the ships don’t even chase to this mysterious kidnapper to see where he’s going!

But hey, we have to have something to top someone kidnapping Zombie Qui-Gon, don’t we? Well, here it is!

Mace says to Seneya through the COM link.

Wait… that was Mace Windu?

…

Damn. Samuel L. Jackson is a bad ass motherfucker who’s now being forced to act like he just got tossed into the 80’s Transformers cartoon. This does not bode well.

“We need to call in Commander Shepard and the Normandy! They can slip into the destination point undetected.”

*snerk*

Wait, so Qui-Gon Jinn has been abducted, you have an entire galaxy that would take interest in this, they could probably slip in undetected on their own since people do that all the time in the Star Wars canon… and your solution is to call in Commander Shepard, who is likely busy trying to take down Saren God-knows-how-many light years away, and have him get close enough to this guy to rescue Qui-Gon?

You know what? We’re only halfway through the second chapter, and I’ve dealt with enough nonsensical things happening that at this point, I’m not inclined to care.

So you know what?

*throws his arms in the air*

Sure, why not?

“I will, the criminals will not get away! Mace out.”

“Seneya out.”

Seneya puts her COM link in her pocket.

And on top of that, it’s Mace Windu that’s going to place the call, not Seneya. Uh… wouldn’t it make more sense for the denizen of the ME galaxy to contact an authority in the ME galaxy who…

Oh, never mind. This fic stopped making sense within the first paragraph, I’m not sure why I’m still trying to figure out how any of this makes any sense.

“When I find those villains, I will make them wish they were never born!” Anakin says with anger.

“Anakin, beware of the Dark Side. Do not give into your hate and anger.” Obi-Wan says to Anakin Skywalker.

*groan*

See, author? That is how you exhibit ‘show, don’t tell’. It’s really not that hard.

Also, thank you Obi-Wan. Now where the hell was that counsel when he exhibited that childish ambition earlier in this same fic?

In the Jedi High Council tower, Mace Windu opens a COM line to Thessia.

“Mace Windu, what do you need?” Rezesia asks Windu.

“I have terrible news! Someone or something kidnapped Qui-Gon Jinn! We need Commander Shepard and the Normandy!”

What this Rezesia lady should say: “Why the hell do you need Commander Shepard and the Normandy? You have an entire galaxy’s worth of ships over there, and I’m not actually the one who orders Shepard around. Call in someone from your own damn galaxy!”

What she actually says:

“By the goddess! I will call them in right away!”

“Do it. Mace Windu out.”

“Rezesia out.”

This author sure is fond of the “[insert character’s name here] out” thing to end his comm conversations, isn’t he? He’ll even set aside entire line breaks to it, he’s so devoted to it.

I wish he had that same dedication to actually explaining shit here. I mean, what’s next, is Qui-Gon going to wake up after being abducted and treat it like it’s no big deal?

On the mystery ship, Qui-Gon wakes up.

“Where am I? I was in my quarters and this place is different. Why do I feel so weak?” Qui-Gon says, he tries to move but he is tied up.

*snerk*

Wow, Zombie Qui-Gon sure is taking the fact that he just got abducted rather well, don’t you think?

I mean, really: this fic can’t seriously expect me to believe that he slept through his entire abduction. A whole ton of windows shattered, that matriarch lady tore a Star Wars-style door open, the owner of this ship managed to get Qui-Gon onto a ship really fast, and then he flew away. And on top of that, didn’t he scream when he first got kidnapped? I mean, how the hell did—

Oh. Right. He’s a zombie: his cognitive functions aren’t exactly up to speed right now. Never mind!

“You are not at home anymore, you are with us! My name is Edward Cullen.

…

*looks up at the previous mention of “Cullen”*

Oh my God, it is that Cullen!

…

…

Wait. Edward Cullen has a spaceship now?

When the ship reaches my planet, you are going to be the subject of scientific experiments.

And he’s now a mad scientist of some sort?

…

Oh my God, don’t tell me he’s going to talk like Dr. Insano.

HAHAHAHAHA! The reason you may feel weak is because we put a drug in your body that causes anyone who gets injected with it to become weak!”

…

Okay. So now, in addition to being a sparkling vampire, Edward Cullen is now also a mad scientist in the vein of Dr. Wily and Dr. Robotnik who somehow owns a spaceship.

I’d comment about how silly and completely fucking ridiculous this is, but c’mon! Edward Cullen is now a mad scientist and has a spaceship! Think about it! Edward Cullen is now about a hundred and seventy-two percent more awesome than he is in canon! I mean, yeah, it’s the kind of awesome where we can’t stop laughing at it, but still!

Think about how much better Twilight would’ve been if Edward Cullen was a mad scientist with a spaceship!

“You are insane!”

“No, we are not.”

Zombie Qui-Gon, these guys come from a canon where stalking is looked on as being romantic. They were never sane in the first place.

“You are all insane! You are committing very serious crimes! You will not get away with this!”

“SHUT UP!” Edward screams before he karate chops Qui-Gon in the back of his neck, he is knocked out instantly.

*snerk*

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that this fic has just jumped the shark.

The Normandy arrives near Coruscant.

Joker opens a COM line to the Jedi Temple. Shepard is standing next to Joker.

Before we go on, I just want to reiterate that yes, you are reading a fanfic in which Qui-Gon Jinn is resurrected by an asari who was called in by Mace Windu, who then called some matriarch on Thessia to get Shepard over to the Star Wars galaxy after Edward Cullen from Twilight manages to kidnap Qui-Gon Jinn in the middle of the night.

This, my friends, is the kind of thing I wish I was making up.

“Mace Windu, we are ready to come to the Temple, we can pick up Seneya and we need the coordinates. After that, we can chase those heartless fiends down!” Shepard says to Mace Windu through the COM line.

*snerk*

And now, Shepard is saying the words ‘heartless fiends’. I don’t think even Renegade Shepard says ‘heartless fiends’ anywhere.

“That is good; we can not let them get away with what they did!” Mace Windu replies.

*snerk*

Oh my God… I’m currently trying to imagine Samuel L. Jackson saying these lines, and I am not successful right now.

Seriously, though. This dialogue. I swear, I would not be surprised if this writer was one of the writers behind one of the two animated Titanic movies, because the writing here is so laughably awful that it’s actually kind of awesome in its own bizarre little way.

Seriously, I’m so far gone that… well, you know what? Let’s just end the chapter here.

The Normandy flies to the Temple and lands.

“I have the data pad with the coordinates.” Seneya says as she runs up the ramp into the Normandy. She gives the data pad to Commander Shepard.

“Good, we can leave now.”

“Are you ready, Commander?” Joker asks.

“Yes, we are ready. Lets take off after them!” Shepard replies.

So just to be certain, if that ship hadn’t stolen the coordinates to where Edward Cullen’s ship was heading, Shepard and the gang wouldn’t have been able to get there in time to start chasing Edward Cullen. You know, because heaven forbid that someone from the Republic chase the ship down, find where Edward Cullen and his goons are holding Qui-Gon Jinn, and just have them pull what they did at the end of Attack of the Clones and launch a huge full-scale attack on the compound.

Yep, this fic has definitely jumped the shark all right.

And if you guys can believe it? This isn’t even the most insane shit that happens in this fic. No no, Jedi Qui-Gon saved that for last.

So next week, we’re going to look at the final chapter of this fic, and be done with it. Stay tuned.

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