258: A burning Rose - Chapter Three or Four

Title: A burning Rose
Author: daseylover14
Media: Book / Movie
Topic: Twilight
Genre: AU / Crime / Adventure
URL: A burning Rose – Chapter Three… or Four
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Howdy, my fine Patrons! We are nearing the halfway point for A burning Rose, so let’s jump right in with a summary.

Our fearless thief AburningRose, or AbR, used a pocket-sized pair of wings to reach the roof of either a bank or a museum. She stumbles upon an open vent in a duct that serves no purpose but to allow her access to the room where her assigned targets, the “blue saphire-collection,” are being kept in poorly-designed glass display cases. After foiling the sophisticated security systems with such mundane items as hairspray, a Polaroid camera, and her own breath, AbR steals the blue saphire-collection (which somehow turned into diamonds) and leaves behind a note and her signature burning roses. She returns to the roof and waits for a security guard/police officer to show up she she can toss him another burning flower and note before using her unique collapsible wings to glide off the roof, presumably into the waiting arms of a police helicopter.

The chapter, which is either Chapter 4 or Chapter 3, begins with what I am going to assume is an Author’s Note even though it is not indicated as such; given that the narration is mostly in the first-person it’s hard to tell when the AN ends and the narration begins, especially since the AN note ends with something the author forgot to include in the previous chapter.

Well, hi again.

Hello.

This chapter’s sadly not going to be verry long, but that’s why I’m posting two chaper’s at once.

Surprisingly, I’m not sad at all. And two “chaper’s” what? I hope it involves moisturizer.

 Oh, and Reviewing! Just click that nice little burron at the end of the page and tell me what you think.

Oh, we all know what I think.

Constructive critisizm is always appreciated. Any question’s you have concering my story will happily be answered.

Keisha

I stopped counting at thirty-seven questions, but you can start with this one; What the hell possessed you to write this?

P.S: I had forgotten a small part of Chapter two’s ending here it is:

That’s always a good sign. Let’s see what was so very important that it warranted getting tacked onto the next chapter, but wasn’t quite important enough to go through the trouble of reposting the proper chapter with it included.

The second card was given to him as well.

In this instance “him” could refer to the head of security, the security guard/police officer from the roof, or an unknown character; without any description it is hard to tell exactly who it is.

‘Monsignore Chárdéi (spoken Missiou Shard-e-i), I’ve left you a present.

:THWACK!:

Author’s Notes do not belong in the narration.

That is not how “monsignore” is pronounced; it’s likely that the word the author is looking for and failing to find is ”monsieur.” This card must be for the security guard, since it would be very unusual for an American police officer to be addressed in such a manner.

The silver cup used to belong to your grandmother and was taken by a lesser thief than me.

-AbR’

:checks previous chapter:

What cup? She left three roses, three matches, and a card on fire at the crime scene and an additional card and flower on fire on the rooftop. At no time was there any mention of a silver cup. Is the master thief leaving gifts for her pursuers?

Chapter 3A new Inspector part 1

That’s the chapter number/title – and look, it’s going to be at least a two-parter!

When I reached a good place to get down, I landed, putting the square in my bag I got the diamonds out and put them in a small box.

Were the blue saphire-collection diamonds in her bag? According to my notes, she stuck them in the pocket of her tesseract-pants. The tesseract in that pocket must come out in her bag, it’s the only rational explanation.

Then I made my way to the docks, where I was meeting AlCaDon.

Those must be the famous rooftop-adjacent docks I’ve heard so very little about.

When a shadowy figure neared me I asked “Where’s my money?”.

Since the shadowy figure had no money, AbR let her go after collecting three saint’s medals, a ruler, and a very nice rosary. Thus ends the tale of how AbR mugged a nun. The end!

BZZT!

Oww! Okay, okay – that’s not the end. :rubs arm: Everyone is going to wish it ended there, though.

“First the dimes (Diamonds) then the money.” AlCaDon said.

:THWACK!:

Please continue.

“That’s not how I do buisness.” I said. “That’s how I do buisness.” He replied.

Meeting the man who hired you to steal something within easy gliding distance of the location you just burgled and within seconds of actually stealing the items is a very bad idea. This appears to be a very large city-type place and I imagine the sight of a woman with frickin’ wings flying through the air would tend to stick in people’s memory. The area will be lousy with cops and someone is going to notice where the flying woman lands, especially if she ducks down some alley to deal with a shady character. That’s what law enforcement personnel refer to as “suspicious behavior.”

Even if this was a good idea (which it most emphatically is not) there’s the little fact that he hired you, not the other way around – you do things his way because he’s the boss. That’s how a job works.

I gave him a look saying ‘Are-you-sure-you-wanna-have-this-discussion-with-me-kid?’.

Wouldn’t it have been easier to just say all of that instead of trying to convey it via complex facial expressions? AbR’s face must have been wiggling like a worm on a hot griddle, it’s a wonder AlCaDon didn’t think she was having some kind of seizure.

“Listen up carefully now, I’m giving you the diamonds if and only if I get the money first!” I explained.

Again, you are his employee. I don’t care how big a badass you are, chances are the fella who hired you is a bigger badass. If you start mouthing off he could just take his ball and go home, leaving you with a box of recently stolen gems. Those stones aren’t going to be easy to sell on the open market, they have most likely been laser-etched with serial numbers and jeweler’s marks to make them easier to identify in the event thay are stolen. That’s probably something a world-class thief should know.

This is assuming that this “blue saphire-collection” is a bunch of average-sized stones and not this universe’s equivalent of the Hope Diamond or the Koh-i-Noor. Those would have their own unique challenges; she couldn’t just walk into a corner pawn shop with a diamond the size of a walnut and ask “What’ll you give me for this?” without ending up in handcuffs pretty quick.

AlCaDon threw a package on the floor. “Open it, I want proof.” I said coldly. AlCaDon crouched to the floor and opened the packet showing me the money inside. I nodded abd put the diamond-box on the floor while collecting the packet with my payment. “Always a pleasure doing buisness with you, AlCaDon.” I said and turned on my heel, dissapearing into an alleyway.

AlCaDon treats her demand for proof as an order, even though he’s the one who hired her, but doesn’t once request that AbR reciprocate. She could have filled that box with baby mice for all he knows! We just might have a new candidate for “World’s Worst Criminal.”

After that I made my way home and sat down to watch the news.

And dure as I hell my robbery was on the breaking news.

:sirens blare:

Who is that I hear knocking, knocking at my chamber door? I believe it’s the DRD!

:presses button:

Wait for it.

: loud cawing and scratching sounds:

And they said training ravens to attack people in uniform was just crazy talk. Well, who’s laughing now?

It sure is convenient that the news station she happened to turn on was running a story on the robbery she just committed at the exact moment she turned on the TV, she didn’t have to waste time channel-surfing or anything. That seems to happen a lot in fan fics. And it looks like it’s my old friend, the Exposition News Network.

Monsignore Chárdéi was taken off my case, instead there was a news Inspector there now, who had appearantly had his eyes on my case for forever.

This seems sort of gossipy for a serious news story concerning a major crime. While the internal politics of the police department can make for interesting TV drama, it’s not normally the sort of thing you see reported on the evening news. This is because most people don’t really care if this detective or that officer is assigned to a particular case – and there are likely to be dozens of people assigned to work AbR’s case if she’s been as prolific as she claims – because sadly it’s the crime itself that gets most of the press. As an example:  many people recognize the name Jack the Ripper, but few have heard of Frederick Abberline.

Since she has been at this for sixteen years her crimes have probably occured in numerous jurisdictions, leading to multiple departments being involved. Mostly likely there is some kind of multi-jurisdictional task force set up to handle investigations when one of her signature roses is found smoldering at a crime scene. (Again, great idea! It makes the cops’ job of identifying your crime scenes that much easier, especially if they withhold that information from the press.) If the location she robbed was actually a bank and not a museum, then the Feds would be involved as well since robbing a federally-insured financial institution is a federal crime. The idea that only one person would be in charge of catching a prolific criminal is absurd.

In other news:  good-bye, mysterious Frenchman – hello, obligatory romantic interest!

Oh, you know who it’s going to be; there’s only one person it could be.

Some Inspector called E.A.C.

Unless this “Inspector” is working these robbery cases as an undercover agent, there would be no reason to withold his name like that. It’s just really odd.

I hacked myself into the dephts of the New York Police to get more information about him.

Storming into a police department while waving around a machete or some other sharp instrument doesn’t sound like the best way to get information. It does sound like an excellent way to get shot, so by all means – go for it, chief.

(The author probably means that AbR did some sort of fancy computer … stuff that allowed her to pull up something about this E.A.C., but I’m partial to my machete theory.)

Name: Edaward Anthony Cullen

Told you so.

Age : 26 years

Eyecolour: green

Hight: 5’2

The one thing I remember from the books is the ten thousand ways Meyer described Edward’s eyes as being some shade of gold and not green, but the rest of the description is a mystery to me. I don’t recall if his exact height is ever mentioned in canon, but holy crap is he short. I’m 5’4″ so that would put the top of his head about level with my eyebrows. I do find it humourous that when there is finally some shred of character description, it’s for a character that hasn’t even shown up in the narration yet. I still have no idea what AbR, who is both narrator and the main character, looks like.

Graduated at the top of class…

In underwater basketweaving.

I skimmed through the rest of his data and smiled.

Specialities: Has got no unresolved case up until now.

:THWACK!:

No.

AbR broke into a police database for the sort of information she could find on someone’s Facebook page? That seems highly risky, especially considering how little information she found.

‘Aww, poor chap, so I was going to be his first unsolved case…’ I mused.

She was, but then she decided to let herself get caught so that he didn’t ruin his perfect streak. What a nice master criminal! (This is why tense is important, people.)

What intriguided me togh was, that there was no picture of the guy. ‘Seems like I have to welcome him to the buisness myself, then.’

Ummm … you have his name and obviously have no trouble getting into secured databases, so why don’t you just pull up his driver’s license? Those things have pictures on them, you know – they’re even in color!

But first I need a vacation.

Poor thing, all that stress from less than an hour’s worth of work must be getting to you. Time to book a cruise!

I heard there was a fortune found in a temple in india, well, well well….

I guess even thieves have to take working vacations these days.

‘I will take what belongs to the poor.

-A burning Rose’

Is she talking to herself in the third person now? Wow, she must really be stressed. It also looks like she’s planning on stealing from some poor people, which is both really stupid and really asshatish. Poor people don’t have anything worth stealing; that’s how poverty works.

It’s more likely that she means that she is going to break into a temple and steal whatever valuables she finds, keeping some for herself and giving the rest to the poor. I guess she doesn’t realize that the “valuables” are probably going to be religious in nature and were put there by those poor people she’s trying to “help” - making her even more of an asshat. It would be like breaking into the Vatican to steal a saint’s preserved hand in a fancy reliquary and then giving a local priest the thumb.

I sent that card over multiple post offices so that noone could trace it back to me.

That was a card? It’s not enough that she has to leave incriminating evidence at the scenes of her crimes, she mails in evidence as well? How did she send the same card from different locations if she has never left this unknown location?

Wait a second … You don’t think she emailed them, do you?

:headdesk:

Even if she used different email accounts, they could probably still be tracked back to the same IP address. If anything, the fact that all the emails have the same wording would make it more likely that someone would go through the effort to track down the sender.

I guess it’s true when they say that some criminals just want to get caught.

Then I dialled Michelle’s number.

“Hello Má chér!” I greeted her. “Rose.” Michelle said.

What is with all the random French in this fic? Are we supposed to assume that the fic takes place in America’s Hat?

:frantic whispering:

What the heck is a “kan-eh-duh”?

“Hey, Michelle, I have to ask you a favour.” I said. “Why do you always start with that sentence whenever you call me?” Michelle asked.

She didn’t start with that sentence, she said hello and a gratuitous French endearment first. I think Michelle may suffer from short-term memory loss.

“Are you doing it or not?” I asked back. “Geez, Rose R-E-L-A-X, what’s the deal?” Michelle asked.

Here’s a crazy idea:  if you tell her what you want her to do first, then she could probably tell you if she can do it. Michelle is one of two characters who know about AbR’s illegal shenanigans, so she should rightly be suspicious of any favors her criminally-inclined friend asks her for. She might find herself digging a hole out in the middle of the desert so AbR can bury a suspiciously lumpy rolled-up rug.

“Could you look after Mr. Fluffypants for a week or a few days?” I asked.

Dammit, I was hoping we would get more Mr. Fluffypants! He’s my favorite character so far.

That word order looks odd; I would expect it to read something like “a few days, maybe a week.” The way the author has the question structured, it looks like it’s multiple-choice; Michelle can choose to watch the genetic anomaly for either a week or a few days, regardless of how long AbR will actually be gone.

 ”Turn on the news sweetheart, they have a new Inspector on my case.

Well, that was random.

 I’m on going to India. The treasures that were found there are worth millions and in my oppinion the poor deserve a piece of that and I need to check out what this new Inspector can do.” I said.

I was going to say that AbR’s plan to leave the area after pulling a major heist was the most reasonable thing she’s done so far, but it sounds like she’s doing it partially to steal something else and partially to test the abilities of this new detective. There’s just one little problem with her plan – she’ll be outside his jurisdiction. It could be assumed that Edward is a police detective since AbR hacked into a police database to get her data on him, which means that his authority would be limited to investigating only the crimes that take place in one city (or even just one small portion if it’s a large city.) Most local police departments have enough to do investigating crimes in their own areas, much less sending someone to another country on the off chance that the criminal they are looking for will show up and try to steal something.

Even if he was a federal agent, he has no idea where the crime will take place – that note mentions nothing about India or a temple - so he would have no way of connecting a random crime in a different country to the burgalries in his own jurisdiction.

“Beware of him. He’s a tough nut to crack. He’s the one who caught Shadow:” Michelle told me. The Shadow thief:

:collects stray colons for Spare Punctuation Box:

A thief who never let the police even see his shadow before dissapearing.

Thieves in this world certainly have a flair for the dramatic.

At no point does AbR tell Michelle the name of the new detective in charge of her case, yet Michelle seems to know more about him than AbR does. Did Michelle just hack into the police files, too?

Damn, that has to be the worst police department ever.

“You’re foregetting who I am, Michelle. I am the burning Rose, I only leave ashes behind.” I told her.

Yep, only ashes. And by “only ashes” I mean mountains of evidence like handwriting samples, electronic equipment, fingerprints, DNA evidence, fibers, chemical traces, and eyewitnesses. She leaves all that stuff behind as well.

:passes out HurfCo cervical collars:

You’re going to need these for the next quote, I don’t want anyone getting whiplash.

 ”Still I want you to be careful.” Michelle said. “Alice!” I called sharply. “What?” Michelle looked up at me.

During her conversation with Michelle, AbR randomly calls her a different name. Usually when one person calls out somebody else’s name during a conversation questions are asked – namely “Who the hell is [blank]?” - but Michelle doesn’t seem to notice anything unusual happening. Does AbR often yell out random names during conversations? Did yet another friend, this one named Alice, suddenly join their conversation? Is Michelle’s nickname Alice for some reason? I have no idea.

Oh, and Michelle/Alice is suddenly in the room with AbR (presumably she’s also sitting down since she has to look up at AbR) rather than talking to her over the phone. That’s quite a lot of wrongness packed into so few words.

 ”It’s okay. I can handle it.” I said. “At least let me check that Picture out you stole recently?” Michella asked.

:THWACK!:

That is in no way a question.

 ”Come over at 9 today.” I sighed.

Wait, isn’t Michelle/Alice already there with her? She just looked up at AbR! I am so confused right now, and not just about where Michelle/Alice is. What the hell is up with the time? It’s not even nine PM yet and she’s already had time to do some flying, commit a major theft requiring an unknown time crawling around in ductwork, meet her contact, and get to wherever it is she is now. Was her father Speedy Gonzales?

:THWACK!:

That is not how you format dialogue, no matter how badly it is written.

Michelle Alice Brandon, she always got what she wanted…

Okay, now it makes sense – the author wanted to include the name of one of her friends and still keep the original character’s name! Smoothly done, author. :thumbs up:

:silence:

That reminds me, I still owe Lyle a new sarcasm detector.

After packing I deceided to work out for a while, when the doorbell rang an hour later I was sweating and my muscles were aching.

I guess with all the running around, flying, and crawling through ducts she just didn’t enough of a workout so she has to do some Tae Bo as well.

I checked my security cameras before letting Alice in.

Of course you have to have security cameras, there’s all kinds of criminals out there just waiting to break in and ironically steal your valuables!

The little girl greeted me in a hug.

What is this “little girl” business? According to the narration, AbR has known Michelle/Alice since she first started her illegal career sixteen years ago. That would make the other woman at least as old as AbR, if not older. Unless Michelle/Alice ages in reverse like Benjamin Button, she could not possibly be a little girl.

 ”Hello, Rose, you looke hideous.

Someone needs to work on their people skills.

Oh and before I forget, Jack told me to give you this.” Alice handed me a file. “What’s this?” I asked. “Detail-info bout Edward Cullen.” Alice said. “Thanks Ali, did Jack manage to get a picture?” I asked shaking out my brown-blonde hair letting it fall down my shoulders. I took the envalope from her.

:sirens blare:

Crapstacks, my giant squid is still on back-order!

:knock at door:

Ummm… :pinches nose:

(nasally) The reviewer you wish to reach is not available right now. If you’d like to leave a message, after you hear the tone walk down the hallway to your left and open the third door on the right. The reviewer will return your message at their earliest opportunity. Thank you for visiting the Library of the Damned! Beep-boop!

:footsteps fade away:

I think it’s working! Don’t worry, I just sent them down to the pygmy marmosets’ room. They’ll be fine.

:distant screams:

No, wait; we moved the pygmy marmosets last month - that’s the radioactive tigers’ room now. Oops.

What could possibly be in those folders that AbR wouldn’t be able to get on her own? She already pulled up all his information and could presumably find a picture herself.

I am excited to discover that, after nearly four chapters, the narrator has actual identifiable features and isn’t just a formless mass of goo! Her hair is either brown or blonde, possibly both, and is located on the top of her head.

Wow, that was strangely anti-climatic.

“Izz, you need to be really, really carefull with that man. He’s danger on legs for you.

As apposed to what, danger on pogo stick?

 I think for the first time in history you have found your match.” Alice explained.

Meh, she’s a Sue; Sues can only be defeated by other Sues or if it can lead to happy-naked-times with the author’s favorite character.

Michelle has switched personalities to Alice and is speaking to someone named Izz … Who the hell is Izz? There is no one in canon by that name. Did another friend materalize out of the SDQF or is this another alternate personality of Isabella “Bella” “Rose” “A burning Rose” Swan?

I can already tell I’m going to love the author’s habit of giving her characters multiple names.

 ”I will be carefull and no oneis my match” I explained to Alice.

AbR has suddenly started channeling Shatner for some reason. She should just change her name to Mary Sue and be done with it!

 ”When are you going?” Alice . “At nine today. I’ve just gotta pack all I need. I’m taking a military maschine…” I began.

:tucks lonely period into Spare Punctuation Box: We’re going to need a bigger box soon.

I just hate it when I get a spare Alice stuck in the middle of my conversation; even if everyone is polite and ignores it, you just feel so self-conscious about it.

Michelle/Alice was supposed to go over to AbR’s location at nine, so since she is now there it must already be nine o’clock. Either AbR’s flight has already left or she has around twelve hours to pack, get to the airport, stand in line to get felt up by the TSA, and eventually board her flight. That seems like plenty of time to me.

Why the hell would a wanted criminal be using military transportation to get to India? Firstly, the US Armed Forces isn’t a travel agency, and secondly – she’s a frickin’ CRIMINAL on her way to commit a frickin’ crime. Unless she’s going to steal a helicopter from a military base (a bad idea of epic proportions) she would need some sort of high-level connection to get a ride. Hitching a ride on a government vehicle does not seem like the best way to keep a low profile.

And what the hell is a “military maschine?” Is there some generic vehicle that can fly, travel over land, and also act as a boat?

I won’t lie, that does sound awesome; it would be the vehicular equivalent of a turducken.

 ”Oh, no missy your not. I have a ticket for you. You are flying like every normal person, Izz.” Alice said.

:headdesk:

When the hell did she have time to buy AbR a ticket? She hasn’t told Michelle/Alice where she’s going in India yet. She can’t just aimlessly wander around the entire subcontinent hoping to stumble upon a temple with some valuables inside to steal.

The canon character of Alice does have limited precognitive abilities, but there has been no indication that Michelle/Alice has the same abilities. If she did, then she wouldn’t have had to ask AbR about the favor – she’d already know what AbR wanted her to do.

I gave her a completely horrified look. “You bought a ticket on my real name?” I asked incredously.

Relax – just because you’re an idiot doesn’t mean everyone in this world is.

 ”Yes, I did.

I stand corrected.

Honey, relax, nobody knows you as who you really are and I bought the ticket on Mary Hopkins name.

WOO-HOO! I’ve got a Mary Sue whose name actually is Mary (Sue)! :fist pump: I hit the fanfic jackpot!

Hopefully Michelle/Alice is a doubleplusgood forger, since AbR is going to need a passport to match the name on that ticket.

 You, my dear Isabella Swan, are only a student studying for a degree in Doctoring or Metaphysics, or whatever it is you were studying: A ongoing scientist and doctor.

:headdesk:

Sweet. :thunk: Sanctified. :thunk: Strawberries. :thunk:

Deep breaths, Ghostie – just picture a basket of sleepy kittens. :breathes deeply: 

Okay, let’s break this bad boy down;

• It has taken the author nearly four chapters to identify the narrator as Bella.
• It is possible to get a doctorate in a variety of disciplines, but there is no such thing as a degree in “Doctoring.”
• There are two definitions of “Metaphysics” – one is the study of the paranormal and the other is a school of philosophy. Advocates of one do not like being confused with advocates of the other.
• Four chapters – four.
• Neither version of Metaphysics is related to any branch of physics or any of the “serious” sciences; admitting to knowledge of one will actually make real scientists laugh at you.
• A student is not considered a doctor until after they get their doctorate, until then they are still a student.
• Four. Fucking. Chapters!

Nobody would suspect a nice girl like you to be a med- and physics student to be a world famous thief. So relax, okay?” Alice asked.

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about anything! Just totter back into the kitchen and make me a sandwich.”

:headdesk:

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

“Your right, Ali, as always. Now let me have a look at this file…” I began.

I’m curious as to what this file contains as well. Did Michelle/Alice and this mysterious Jack manage to find information on Edward that AbR was unable to locate? That seems unlikely, but let’s take a peek and see.

 ”Oh, no! Your not having any looks now. You are going to get ready and I still need to turn you into Mary.” Alice looked posetively furious.

Aw, crap. There’s going to be costume porn, I just know it.

I’d probably enjoy it at this point, as that would require the author to actually describe something instead of leaving it in the Formless Void.

I sighed, giving in. Alice is a fashion designer, who mostly loves designing my ‘spy-fashion’ as she calls it.

It’d be interesting to know what the author considers “spy-fashion” since I’ve always been under the impression that the most successful spies try their damnedest to look like everyone else.

“Okay Alice.” I sighed, knowing there was no stopping my overly chipper friend of her mission of giving me a make-over.

I thought she came over to look at a “Picture” that you recently stole – what’s with the sudden makeover?

I gave her a bag and let her pack it. After that Alice insisted on ‘giving my hair some colour and boost’.

This is probably the closest thing to canon that this fic has, since the canon Alice absolutely loves to treat the canon Bella like a living doll. It’s actually really creepy the way Bella just passively accepts Alice’s efforts like she’s of those little beauty pageant girls and Alice is her domineering stage mother. She doesn’t assert her own personality the way a real teenager would, but then Bella doesn’t really have much in the way of personality to begin with.

In the end my brown hair was red and was more volumenious than I remember.

I have no idea what “volumenious” is, but it sounds sticky. AbR should switch to a clarifying shampoo.

All in all I looked great….and nerdy, with the matching glasses on. I was Mary Hopkins now.

Of course you look great as a nerd, you’re Mary (Sue) Hopkins! You could dip yourself in roofing tar and roll around in chicken feathers and you’d probably still look fabulous. In fact, I’d be willing to test that theory just to see what happens.

 I had of course put lences in blue into my eyes, as the passport Jack so nicely provided me with was forged of a blue eyed girl.

How did Jack know far enough ahead of time that she was going to need a passport? Presumably Michelle/Alice told him where their friend was going after she talked to AbR, but he wouldn’t have time to create an entire passport in less than a hour.

What I find odd is that there hasn’t been any indication that either Jack or Michelle/Alice get paid to do these things for AbR. This sort of jibes with canon - the Cullens act like wealthy fairy godsparklepires to Bella – but in this world AbR is fabulously wealthy from her many crimes and could easily pay them for their services. It doesn’t look as if AbR had any plan of her own in place to change her appearance or get a new passport, she just seems to assume that these things will magically get done with no effort on her part.

When Alice finished ‘pretty-ing’ me up I couldn’t recognize myself.

Neither do I, but then I’ve never known what you look like. Beyond hair and eye color, I still don’t.

 ”Thank you, Alice.” I said as I took my bag. “Alice, I’ve gotta go now, promise me that you’ll look after Mr. Fluffypants?” I asked. “Sure.” Alice reassured me before I rushed to the airport.

:headdesk:

Why is everything is done at the last minute? AbR gets contracted for a job, steals the resquested items, meets her contact for the rest of her payment, works out for an hour, gets her hair dyed and is now immediately flying out of the country to steal something else – all in less than a day! Dear gods, I’d need a nap by now.

I’m curious as to when Michelle/Alice went from being AbR’s ”trusted friend” to her ”micromanaging accomplice” since the only reason AbR called her was to arrange for a petsitter. Michelle/Alice only came over to look at a “Picture” that AbR had stolen recently, yet this premise is abandoned immediately and was never referenced again. From the instant she arrives, Michelle/Alice begins to boss AbR around; she provided the folder (whose contents are still unknown), airline tickets, passport, and makeover all on her own with absolutely no input from AbR. If it was up to AbR, she would probably have stolen a “military maschine” and flown-driven-piloted herself to India without a passport or even bothering to change her socks.

Ooh, fridge logic moment! What if Michelle/Alice is actually the master criminal? It makes perfect sense; she provides her patsy AbR with information and transportation, has access to AbR’s wealth … somehow, and gets to do that creepy dress-up thing that she enjoys way too much. When AbR is eventually caught, Michelle/Alice can claim she was just the petsitter! This fic would be a lot more entertaining if that was the case, but since AbR is the author-insertion character she will probably remain the “master criminal” of the fic. Dammit.

Hurry back next time when AbR visits India! Where in India? Since the author appears unfamiliar with the concept of establishing a setting, I’m going to guess “all of it.”

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