249: the specter’s child – One Shot, Part ThreePosted: May 22, 2012
Title: the specter’s child
Topic: Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Drama
URL: the specter’s child
Critiqued by Addicted Reader
Warning: This fic contains a scene of a character being burned. Proceed with caution.
Welcome back to the rather long one-shot “fairy tale” fanfic known as “the specter’s child.” So far we have an undescribed Fairy Sue named Alisha, her fairy mother with an angelic voice, her obligatory love interest Matt, and her nemesis Skye Charley, who is shaping up to be a solid Awesome McEvil. Oh, and a Super Fairy Sue named Destiny who was needed to tell FS that the reason she didn’t hit back at Skye was because it ‘wasn’t in her nature.’
FS and Matt have just hiked up multiple mountains in flat Florida to get to Matt’s “hiding place,” a small cave in said improbable mountains. After a cliched, “romantic” exchange which nearly made me lose my lunch multiple times, an ogre has shown up outside the cave. FS has gone outside to investigate while Matt is still inside and unaware of the source of the commotion. Let us continue:
My face was horror struck but we had no hope of escaping.
Is a “horror” a weapon being wielded by the ogre? And what does her face have to do with their hope of escape?
“Matt can I ask you something?” it came out so quickly I almost babbled.
That makes no sense.
“Yes anything.” He said with anxiety
Where’s the spare punctuation box? I need a comma, so I can move that period to the end where it belongs. Also, is the de-caps machine ready yet?
“Would you judge something before having an explanation?” I said with haste
I need a period too. I hope we don’t run out of spare punctuation, I know we don’t get much of it around here.
“Why would you ask that but no I would always wait for an explanation now what is this about?”
Oh, I forgot to mention that Matt is a robot who speaks without any pauses or inflection.
“Matt do not judge the world you live in because there is another world within your world and that is my world a world of danger and monsters so please I really like you and you obviously really like me, so please do not judge me or what I am.” Then I left him there looking confused as I spread out my wings and flittered out to meet the ogre.
Fairies speak in the same way. So I’m assuming they understand each other better than I understand either of them.
Where has she been hiding these wings so that they’re not noticeable but she can spread them easily? Unless they’re very small or oddly shaped, I’m not coming up with a way that that works.
Also, why does she have to flitter rather than fly? And either flying or flittering in a cave sounds like a risky proposition unless it’s a rather large cave – low ceilings and rough walls are not the best place for wings on a human-sized person. Bats don’t roost in bat-height caves for a reason.
Matt came out with me as if there was a bright sign saying come with me.
::sirens:: Shoot, the DRD will be along in a moment. Everyone just sit tight and tell them you’ve been here all day, and we should all be fine.
Meanwhile, she just sprouted wings. Those are a pretty big sign of “something is odd here,” I can’t blame him for following to see what in the world is going on. Curiosity is a human emotion, so it’s nice that he’s able to simulate that.
“Matt get back inside!” I half cautioned and half screamed.
I didn’t realize “cautioned” was an alternative to “screamed.”
“I’m not leaving you to take all the risks!” He screamed back.
WHAT’S WITH ALL THE SCREAMING?!?!?
Then I went to battle, matt seemed amazed of my power. He kept his word about waiting for explanations. I was too deep in my thoughts to notice the ogre about to attack. I ducked. Now I’m trying to scramble to my feet but failed every time. I saw the ogre’s gigantic fist come down at a rapid speed; I was too shocked to notice it was going to smash my leg. I was too late to move and I screamed out in pain as its fist smashed my leg. Then I heard matt screaming. This was not good the ogre turned around to face in matt’s direction. The ogre started to move towards matt. But I had to try to fight. I got on my good leg and I hit it with my strongest power, I might be weak but a shot of water at 100 miles per hour is powerful. I screamed too matt saying
Let’s tackle this in list form:
- “amazed of”? Really??
- She went to battle but didn’t notice the ogre? With what was she going to battle?? The rock???
- Whoops, watch those tense changes. There are temporal sickness bags in the seat-back pockets in front of you.
- She’s terrible at “battle” if seeing a threat coming causes her to be too shocked to move. It’s a wonder she’s not dead yet. Fairies must be closely related to deer.
- So she used her super-jet of water on her own good leg? Seems like she would just fall down and risk further injury. If I could shoot super-jets of water, I’d aim at my enemy rather than myself.
“Run matt Run!” then I remember fuzzy images of the ogre falling and matt throwing fire? I must be imagining then the images faded.
If I’m following the dialogue correctly (doubtful, since the author is terrible at attribution), Matt is telling himself to run. How does that help the situation?
And I assume that last bit is supposed to be her passing out, but it’s kinda fuzzy. (See what I did there?) Is it the pain, is it the fall, or the fear or what?!?
I woke up to two people’s voices, one was matt’s the other could have been his dad’s. My eyes fluttered my leg was hurting, I must have broke it. Then when my vision altered I saw matt kneeling next to the sofa I was resting on.
Whenever she manages to get her leg looked at, she might want to have the doctor do something about the fluttering eyes too. That can’t be a good thing.
“Hello sleepy head” he said in his irresistible soft voice.
So has he been kneeling there the whole time? That’s gotta get uncomfortable – unless it’s only been a few minutes, which we’ll never know because the author is bad at details other than descriptions of voices.
“What…who…did you…?” I couldn’t find the words to say and then he put his finger lightly on my lips.
Uh oh, is this gonna get “romantic” again? I hope not.
“Hush my little fairy.” He said in his soft voice. Suddenly shocked I asked
Really, she expected he didn’t see? She spread out her wings right in front of him. The presumed fall must have knocked out of her the little bit of sense she had.
“Yes and guess what I am a pixie, I am magic like you!” he said with enthusiasm. Well at least I know that he understands.
So magic beings don’t recognize each other? That would be so much more convenient if they did. And if he’s magic too, why was he so confused by seeing her wings?
“Aw that’s amazing matt, so what happened?” then he got into a sitting position.
See, I had a good point about the kneeling. But where is he sitting now? On the floor? On the couch? Oh, I know, he’s sitting on the ceiling! Makes total sense.
“Well you were out there fighting an ogre and then you screamed I looked and the ogre had brought his fist down on your leg the brought anger to every part of my body so I ran out and I threw fire. At first I didn’t believe it; but then I saw the ogre and the pain in your screams. Then when the ogre fell I carried you here and told my dad that you got hit by a car and we can’t move you. So he called your mum and told her. Then you have been asleep for 1 day. That’s everything.”
WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL A DOCTOR? THAT BROKEN LEG NEEDS TO BE SET BY A PROFESSIONAL! CALL AN AMBULANCE, THEY KNOW HOW TO MOVE INJURED PEOPLE!!!
Sorry, I finally passed the limit of how much bad grammar and utter stupidity I can stand. ::deep breaths:: Ok, let’s move on. I’ll try to keep the shouting to a minimum.
“Wow” is all I could say. Then the horror struck me… what if someone saw!
Did Matt just hit Fairy Sue with the ogre’s weapon? That’s terrible! Granted, “wow” is a pretty dumb response, but considering that his speech above made no sense, I wouldn’t really expect more from her. He’s lucky she didn’t say “huh?”
“Umm matt, did anyone see?” I was anxious he could see.
Is she trying to show him something? That’s what that sentence looks like to me.
“No but the police have moved there search to here for the supernat …” then horror struck his face. Then he started to get teary eyed.
Wait, what? If no one saw, why would they think to search there? And again, why are the police investigating the supernatural? Also, police are a local agency. Is this “the police” from New York? They don’t have any jurisdiction in Florida. ::headdesk:: So much bad logic.
And good on her for hitting him back.
“Aw matt please we have to be strong, and careful.”
“We have to be especially careful around Skye; her whole family is part of the law enforcement.”
“part of the law enforcement”? Really?? This author clearly has no idea how things work in the real world. Too much time spent in fairly land, I would guess.
Then we smiled at each other then had our first kiss.
Aww, cute, they kiss right after talking about their enemy whom he has dated and who wants to date him again. That’s “romantic.”
If there is one thing I hate it would be Mondays, but matt makes it all better. I just hope I done run past Skye…
::sound of tires screeching on pavement:: ”done run”? Really? I just… I don’t… Umm… What???
Its lunchtime and I have had no trouble whatsoever, which is an improvement. Though I have had a few scowls from Skye my day has been amazing and now I’m off to lunch with matt.
So the above nonsense mentioned that it’s Monday – when did the previous chapters happen? How much time has passed? Is her leg healed or is she on crutches? Details – they help.
I’m lost in a crowd and being shoved into a supply closet this can’t be good. I can her Skye snickering behind me.
Transitions help too. Seriously, it’s like the author wrote this out one line at a time at random intervals without giving any thought at all to connecting the individual bits.
She has her imbeciles pinning me down on the floor whilst she is forcing a lighter towards my neck. Then she says furiously
“Forcing” implies that there is some resistance. Is Fairy Sue fighting back? Has she turned the air to jello? She better turn it back before they all suffocate. Or maybe fairies can breathe jello and this is her plan to escape when Skye and her imbeciles pass out.
“I warned you freak now you are going to pay!”
Pay for what? She needs to clarify.
“What do you want to know?” I screeched as she burned me.
See, it helps to ask a question. Unless she’s just hurting her to lure Luke Skywalker into a trap.
“Your secret, freak! I will take you to my dad and you can explain to him!” I screamed again as the second burn stayed for longer. Then I thought should I? Unless I want to be burned I have to…
You know, if Skye’s father is “the law enforcement,” he’s going to have some questions about those burns. Skye is going to be in big trouble if “the police” find out about her torturing FS.
“Fine, stop burning me and I’ll tell you!” I screeched for a third time as the last burn hit my collar bone. But she couldn’t resist could she? She just loves hearing my pain so she burnt me again in the same place. I screamed as loud as possible but I know it wouldn’t be enough.
“wouldn’t be enough” for what, exactly? I’m confused.
Skye dragged me up a hill, out of school then through the woods. And finally I got to meet her dad. He looked scary. Just as pale as Skye, same colour eyes, same colour hair. I greeted him with a polite tone saying
So there’s a hill in the school? And “finally I got to meet her dad” make sit sound like something she’s been looking forward to. Actually, maybe she is because then he’ll stop Skye torturing her.
“Hello officer charley.” Then he just glared at me. He lent in staring me in the eyes and said
Wait, is he lending her a pair of eyes? Maybe he’s letting her borrow his sunglasses. Oh, he’s got laser vision and he’s trying to keep her from getting fried while he gives her an angry look! He’s so responsible.
“So my little angel says you have secrets to do with the search for the supernatural child. Is it true?” ‘His little angel’ is a lie I wanted to say but that would just get him infuriated.
“the search for the supernatural child” – is this a national thing? Again, she was last found out in New York, why are “they” looking for her in Florida? There is a very high level of paranoia going on here.
And what secrets?? Unless Matt told Skye about the fight with the ogre, how does Skye know anything? Is it just because Fairy Sue said she’d tell her stuff while being tortured? I would admit to anything to avoid pain, doesn’t mean you should believe it.
Also, Skye threatening FS originally was about Matt – how did things go from that to “the search for the supernatural child”? It’s like the author can’t decide if this is supposed to be a high school romance or an action/adventure story.
“No. I know nothing of the supernatural child case.” I said simply. But he didn’t believe me. Then he noticed my burns on my neck, he started to chuckle and turned to Skye. Then he said to Skye
She shouldn’t even admit to knowing what they’re asking about. The proper response here is “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? YOUR DAUGHTER JUST TRIED TO SET ME ON FIRE, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME QUESTIONS?”
And he’s chuckling at the sight of the burns? That’s not good. I guess we know where Skye got her morals from.
“My little angel would you like to get the secrets out of this piece of scum?”
Bad Guys are Bad. Could they be any more stereotypical?
“My pleasure daddy!” then she turned to me with her lighter blazing and an evil grin.
Can we stop for a moment – a lighter? Really? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I know I have trouble not burning my finger when I use a plain lighter. And getting the right angle to burn someone isn’t going to be easy. There’s a reason you usually hear about people being burned with lit cigarettes rather than lighters. Open fire is hard to control. But I guess Awesome McEvil here has been taking torture lessons from Daddy and knows exactly how to do this. ::shudder::
So on that lovely “cliffhanger,” I’ll leave you for the week. But since I don’t want to leave you with the image of torture by lighter, here’s a cute fluffy kitten:
We’ll try to push through to the end of this next week. See you then!