247: the story of us – Chapters One, Two, Three, Four, and FivePosted: May 20, 2012
Title: the story of us
Author: nancydrew bfan
Topic: Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys Crossover
Genre: Romance and Supernatural
URL: the story of us
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian
I am just going to start this fanfic right off by telling you to strap yourselves into your seats very tightly. It’s pretty confusing at the beginning, builds into a chimera, and then ends up in a flaming pile of poo. Now that I have given you the story line, you can prepare yourself mentally. I will note, as will the author immediately, that this is nancydrew bfan’s first fanfic. She has asked people to be nice on that account. I will be as nice as I can be while still pointing out what needs to be improved. So nancydrew bfan, if you ever read this try to keep that in mind. I hope it wont be your last fanfic because quite frankly I will lose my faith in humanity if your writing doesn’t evolve. Now for some giggles.
This fanfic is focused on Nancy Drew. It’s in the Romance and Supernatural categories and I’m not telling you why because it’s a surprise. You’re going to love it. This first section introduces us to the characters in a very conceptual way. I’d like to think this was so we could fill in the details with our imagination but I suspect it was the usual obtuseness. I mean you have to put the lotion on its skin before you can sew your skin dress, ya know? Annnyway, I will be introducing the characters in relation to the books as we go because the author assumes we know all about the series. I actually have never read any Nancy Drew but I can take a pretty good guess and say that this fanfic bears no resemblance to the series. So, enough of my rambling, let’s get on to the author’s rambling.
first fanfic so please be nice so nancy’s twelve now but it won’t stay like that for long. Nancy, Ned, bess and George are not my characters others is mine
We have now had our inaugural poor grammar, lack of capitilization, and confusion over commas and periods. Just in that short bold part, the author has given us a good idea of what to expect for the rest of the fic. We will also get these bizarre author’s notes all the way through the story. They’re little slices of extra weird.
Nancy: why on earth am i twelve huh
Hopefully it’s because you were born twelve years ago.
me: because this is my story my rules so put ba sock on it
What is a ba sock and what is she suggesting Nancy put it on? Is the author implying that Nancy has some anatomy that we don’t know about?
Nancy:* Ned holds nancy back* u want to see a horror flim
me:yea sure where is it
Nancy: right here ur the bite and i’m devil
The fic hasn’t even begun and the author is asking for help. That can’t be a good sign. I am removing the line breaks that occur before every single chapter and echo the title of the story. Just a service we provide here at the library.
“Hannah, stop pushing my head like a broken car…ouch!” The twelve year old Nancy Drew exclaimed. “Well if you to stop moving, I would not need to push it, now would I darling.” Her house keeper Hannah said while brushing the last strand of hair into a pony tail, “there finish, now go on in the car I just need to get my hand bag.”
Since when did brushing hair involve pushing your head violently? Sometimes it pulls your hair, but it never gives you whiplash. Well almost never.
“Alright, bye dad!” with that they left for the karaoke club for kids.
Dad is clearly somewhere in the formless void. It would be really nice if we knew who the “they” that are leaving are. I thought that the mention of Karaoke was temporally wrong at first, but after some research I have discovered that the original series of Nancy Drew books weren’t officially finished until 2004. By the way, Hannah is the Drew’s housekeeper.
Bow chicka Bow Wow. That’s a sexy line break.
“Two tickets please…..thank you.” Hannah said as she handed Nancy a ticket. “Is Nancy going to sing for us?” The man at the ticket booth said. “How do you know my name I never came here before?” “Your father had a photo on his desk when I was in court and needed advice, anyway enjoy the show.”he said as he waved them goodbye.
Well that’s not creepy at all! Surely it’s relevant. I wonder what the guy was in court for. I have this bad feeling it was pedophilia.
“Up next the one you have all came here to see Ned Nickerson singing one less lonely girl.” As the announcer said this, around of applaud came from the crowd including from Hannah. “He’s probably famous around here she thought.
Uh oh, we have a loose quotation mark about. It shouldn’t have even been around in the first place. If you see it, please turn it into the lost and found because whoever it is that just thought that would probably like it back. It was either Hannah or Nancy, I think. Don’t quote me.
While singing he looks at Nancy with admiration which kind of makes her feel nervous .
Hurray for confused tenses! I love that extra space before the period. It’s so slimming.
He has such an amazing voice OMG! She thought. To block out his singing she took her iPod which she took from home before leaving, and listened to it.
Wait, what? He has an amazing voice but she just whipped out her iPod to block it out? I guess she prefers the sound of the screeching of a wounded animal. She probably has a whole playlist for that.
When he was finished he sang another song this time it was called first dance while singing he walks to Nancy and offers her his hand she takes it almost as in a trance they danced not knowing that it was the last time they will see each other. Or so they thought.
Did he just fail to notice that she donned an iPod to keep from listening to him? I assume she still has it on. I can’t imagine she can keep the beat very well that way.
Ok, this is too funny. I dated a guy who on the second date decided to tell me about a romance novel that I should write. This guy was in a creative writing program. This is almost the exact beginning of the plot he described to me. I busted out laughing and then realized he was serious. That was our last date.
remember be nice.
I am trying, dear author. I will not attack you, only your story.
Nancy:where’d she go
me: hope she does not find me
Nancy: ned! did u find her
This is not a text message. You can be bothered to spell out you. It’s just two more letters for Pete’s sake!
Nancy: she has to be somewhere here
me:don’t sell me out any way on with the story
Oh homicidal Nancy! The author is over here, hiding behind the fact that this is her first fanfic!
“Do you guys smell that?” The now eighteen year old Nancy drew said to her two best friends Bess Marvin and George Fayann.
Whee! Time jump. Now why did we bother with a 12 year old version of Nancy? Was she supposed to be grown up in that last author’s note because if so, she holds a grudge for a long time. I think that smell is probably originating from this fanfic.
They were just so bored of being home they decided to take a drive. “Yea but I just thought it was your oil spilling out of your car. “George said.
Well that’s nothing to worry about at all. The volume of oil spilling out of one’s car needed in order for it to be smelled while driving isn’t much, right?
She was the tomboy of the two the complete opposite of her cousin Bess, she was alethic, enjoyed sports, and always wore casual clothing, while her cousin loved to watch fashion shows on cable, who hated sports and who loves and I means loves to wear the latest fashions.
Do you “means” it? Really “means” it? Uh oh, here comes the DRD for the use of “alethic” (huh?) and enjoyed sports at the same time. I better alert Ghostie so she can batten down the hatches for me. I should explain, since our author hasn’t bothered, that Bess and George are cousins. George is short for Georgia. That will clear up who is being talked about in the previous paragraph. It’s too bad the author couldn’t just do that for us. Also, just so you understand the depth of confusion that is possible with pronouns in this fanfic, we have three “she”s and “her”s to figure out as we go along. If nancydrew bfan chooses to skip on names, we are so screwed.
“So you thought the oil was leaking and you didn’t tell us.” Bess said. They continued arguing about it. Nancy became annoyed and exclaimed “Guys would you stop fighting it’s not the oil geez!” they stopped immediately, “it smells like smoke.” She continued.
Better yet! The car is on fire!
“That was weird right?” George said to them. “Yea because I mean how could a house burn down itself right.”
Umm. Where did that come from? What house is burning? Since we know nancydrew bfan doesn’t bother to put dialogue from more than one person into separate paragraphs, someone else may be replying to George. They should have sprung for a comma and question mark. Otherwise, we just think the house can’t burn itself down correctly.
Bess agreed. “A house can’t burn down itself dummy.” As they continued fighting Nancy was zoned out thinking about how the guy, who had moved her car away from the fire, looked so familiar.
Part of the story has apparently vanished. Quick, someone call Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys! I would like to know how George and Bess can be arguing if they are in agreement. “I agree.” “You can’t agree because I agreed first, dammit!” “You only agreed because you knew I was in agreement!” “Let’s just agree to disagree.” “Just as long as you know I agree to disagree first.” Then everyone spontaneously combusted. Have a cookie. :D
“Uh…. Nancy?” George said. “Hmmm” was all she got. “You seem zoned out.” “Yea sorry about that I was just thinking about someone.” “Oh….. A boy, give me all the dets.” Bess said putting her head between the two front chairs of Nancy’s convertible car.
Dets sounds like an STD. Or maybe a withdrawal symptom.
“How do you know it’s a ….wow!” George exclaimed as a car crashed into Nancy’s car!
And Bess’s head went rocketing into the atmosphere! Nope. I am slightly concerned though, because it doesn’t sound like she was buckled up and she was definitely in a messed up position for a crash.
After getting the man’s address he said one last apology and left.
Ok, another complete plotless void. A random man just gave someone his address and someone gave someone, possibly the random man but maybe not, an apology. This could have made a little more sense with just one comma. It still sounds like “the man” and “he” are two different people though. So even though we have an immense amount of estrogen about, there are two men somewhere to receive the address and apologize. It kind of seems like Nancy and her buddies weren’t even involved in this whole thing. It might not even have anything to do with the car crash they were in.
“Great now how are we going home the bumper will drag.” Nancy said looking down at the back of the car. “How is it that we always meet on unusual occasions?” Nancy looked up to see the male voice belonged to. It was the same guy who moved her car.
The same guy that we have heard nothing about until just this very moment. The same guy who moved her car from somewhere to somewhere else at some point when we weren’t invited into the narrative.
“Not that I’m complaining.” the familiar boy said, “You seem to be in a jam there let me help.” he said as he took out the bumper and put it in the truck of the car. “Thanks um…..” she said realizing that she did not know his name.
“Um Ned Nickerson.” offering his hand to her.
Ned is Nancy’s boyfriend from the series of books. Umm…is it a truck or a car? Or is it some kind of double decker thing where the car is on top of the truck? All I can tell is that this car has a truck. I guess we just have to take a pass because physics never works the same in fanfics as in real life. I’m not sure what I meant by that. Let’s face it, I’m confused.
Seeing that she was not accepting it he pulled it back. No wonder he looked familiar she thought. “You’re um… Ned Nickerson” she finally said.
She’s on the ball, isn’t she?
“Yea is there a problem” “oh my gosh Ned I can’t believe it I mean I knew you looked familiar but I would never have gest it was Ned!” She exclaimed as she hugged him tightly.
Gest, guessed, potato, patater, right? Let’s call the whole thing off.
“Um…. Do I know you” he finally said still in her hug.
Of course you do! She’s the stranger in the formless void who is currently invading your personal space!
“Sorry you don’t remember me.” She stopped hugging him, “it’s me Ned, Nancy Drew.” “Wait a minute Nancy long time no see!” he said while pulling her in to a tight hug, “you look so different much more beautiful than the last time I saw you.”
Last time he saw her, she was a total dog.
“Thanks you too …..I mean you look even more handsome” she said, both laughed at her mistake. While they continued their union Bess and George were confused.
They are continuing their union? Right in the middle of the street? They could at least get a room. No wonder Bess and George are confused.
“Oh sorry guys this is Ned, Ned these are my best friends Bess Marvin and George Fayann.” She said when they were still looking confused she continued, “Remember I told you guys I made a new friend at a karaoke club for kids.”
You know, six years ago? You really ought to pay attention more. By the way, George’s last name is Fayne. The least you could do is spell the character’s names right, author.
“Oh…. The guy you could not stop talking about.” George chuckled. Ned smiled as Nancy blushed, “yea him.” She continued talking, “Ned is there a garage anywhere near here.” Still smiling he said there was one in maplten, “you go in your car and I’ll drive in mine so that I can make sure you reach there safely.” and with that he went to his car.
Ok, so Mapleton is a town in the books. The author almost didn’t murder that name. Do you think Ned is more stalkerish or Nancy is more stalkerish? We’ll have a poll at the end.
who ever love seafood review and say me!
The only person who said me in the reviews was the author herself. That makes me feel kind of bad for her. She did manage to completely ignore the two very poorly written reviews that suggested she use better grammar. If anything, those reviewers were showing her how to use worse grammar. So I applaud her for not following their example.
Nancy:there she is!
me: nan my friend i’m so sorry
Nancy: whatever i was running u down to give you this
ned: seriously i thought you were going to kill her
me: oh thax ned
ned: ur welcome
me *roll eyes* thax nancy *opens the box*
It’s Bess’s head!
“So that’s the famous Ned Nickerson you always use to talk about.” George teased from the backseat. “Oh stop teasing, she finally from her true love again and I must say he is pretty handsome if you ask me.” “Bess you find all guys are handsome dummy.” George reminded her.
Whoa, George just said you were a ho, Bess! Are you just going to take that lying down? *snicker*
“Not all guys, what about the old guy on Ramones street?” “You did think he was at a point in time.” “Whatever” Bess said as she rolled her eyes, ‘I wonder if Ned would ask you out.”
Punctuation is getting really screwy and a lot of dialogue isn’t being attributed. My head hurts. We have a random apostrophe and we still haven’t found that missing quotation mark. I’m calling in a Bloodhound if we don’t find it soon.
“No way Ned and I are just friends” Nancy said while look at her in the rearview mirror, “plus I doubt he likes me.” “Are you kidding me he’s totally interested in you, did you not see the way he looked at you when you told him your name because I did and I can tell you there’s love in his eyes.” While Nancy blushed George said, “Geez Bess, take a breath, anyway can you guys please…we’re here.” Nancy parked at the side of the road and the trio got out.
I guess we will never know what George was going to plead with them to do. How about “…can you please stop talking about guys because I’m a lesbian.” There we go. I feel much more secure knowing that thought was completed.
“Phil I have some customers for you!” Ned called out to the garage owner. “Wow when you said you had customers I never thought it would be three beautiful angels, I mean ladies…..are all of these your girl friends?” Phil asked while shaking their hands. Bess blushed; George rolled her eyes while Nancy smiled but looked uninterested.
She’s not at all interested in the fact that this guy she just gushed over, and has been gushing over for six years, is standing beside her. Or for that matter that her car now has the bumper sitting in the “truck.” I think Phil may be suggesting Ned is a pimp with all of his “girl friends”. Nancy really should pay more attention.
All this time Ned had been looking at Nancy, her smile just made my day wonderful! He thought, he was lost thinking about her.
If she’s uninterested, I doubt she’s smiling.
“Uh…Ned is there a reason you brought them here.” Ned shook out of his thoughts at the sound of Phil’s voice, “uh yea Nancy will you explain it to him.
Apparently Phil is a mechanic that can’t tell when a car has been wrecked and is missing it’s bumper. I’m not so sure going to him was a good idea.
Nancy began to explain while Bess and George started talking. “I bet he was day dreaming about her.” “Bess shut up!”
Bess rolled her eyes at George and said “note to self never talk to George about boys.” “You now know that, way…your slow.” George said while laughing.
What I gathered from that was that George has come out of the closet. She doesn’t want to talk about boys, geez.
“So when can you fix it for?” Nancy said when she was finished talking. “I can’t fix it without the parts I need but I can fix it up good enough for you to drive home with and get it to your closest garage.” “Ok” she said although she was still disappointed.” I’ll call you when I’m done.” Phil said before waving them goodbye.
Well damn, it’s really disappointing to have your car fixed up well enough to get home in it. If only he hadn’t been able to help at all.
“How about we all go for ice cream” Ned asked as they walked out of the garage, “I’ll buy.” “Alright I’m in.” Nancy agreed. “I’ll….” Bess was interrupted by George. “No we really need to get home mom has a big thing for us.” While being dragged by George she said, “No she did not.” When they were out of earing age George said, “of Couse I know that dummy I just wanted them to be alone da…..”
I wonder what “earing age” is? Maybe you’re out of it when you get old enough that you can’t hear any more.
“Oh so when I’m being romantic you tell me to shut up but when you’re doing it I’m spouse to follow and you made me miss out on a perfectly good ice cream and it was free.” “Stop being dramatic, we can get ice cream at the ice cream parlor when we get home.” George said while they got into the bus. “but it would not be free” Bess said
Nothing is free, Bess. We already established Ned is a pimp. Then again, George did say you were a ho.
Another thing I will be now eliminating is the disclaimer which from this point on is exactly the same. The author’s notes, when they occur, will be kept intact because they are slightly insane.
Nancy: SO DO U LIKE IT
me:i love it thax
me:y*takes a bite* and delicious
Man, I hope it isn’t Bess’s head after all!
me:*gulp* somethings wroug it’s getting darker and blurry it’s drugged *falls uncoiuse
I wonder what she just ate. Let’s all guess! I’m voting for an Armadillo. Mostly because that would be difficult to eat. It can also give you leprosy.
“So…how have you been, you know since the last time I saw you?” Ned said, they were
Seated at a table in the ice cream shop. “Good and you?” “The same.” “So do you still sing at clubs?”
You mean the Karaoke Club for Kids, right? That’s a prestigious gig.
Nancy asked. “No it had no meaning without you, I mean it got boring.” he said nervously hoping she did not hear his mistake. He got lost in a day dream about her.
You are with her, Ned. Do you need to daydream about her while you are with her? Maybe he is undressing her with his mind.
“Um Ned, are you going to order…Ned!” Nancy exclaimed. “Uh…..oh sorry” he apologized. “Ned you seem very distracted today why that is?” “Um….no reason.”
He seems very distracted today. That implies she knows how he is other days which she doesn’t. She hasn’t seen him in six years. I think the author forgot that awhile ago.
“Thanks here are your money.” Nancy said taking her money out of her handbag. “No need for that any friend of Ned is a friend of mine.” Phil said.
Oh, look, we’re back at the garage! Wow, that was a pretty quick trip for ice cream. We went from not ordering yet to completely done and in a different place. I am starting to think that time and space have no meaning in this fanfic.
“Alright thanks … bye Phil bye Ned.” She said as she waved them good bye. “Wait Nancy, I was kind of thinking that we could hang out by the beach for a bit.” Ned said hopefully. “Um…. Ok that would be nice.” She said smiling as she got into her car. “Cool so I’ll leave my car here and ride in yours is that ok with you?” with that they were off to the beach.
Wait, who’s riding in whose car? She was getting in her car…did they seriously just take the car that was wrecked, and that the mechanic said he fixed up only enough to get her home and to the nearest garage, out for a jaunt a the beach?
“Ah the cool sea beach,” Nancy said as they came out of the car, “I know this may sound crazy but I feel like I belong to the sea wield uh,”
I think she meant to say “weird, huh?”. I also think she is about to break the news that she is really destined to be a sailor.
“uh a little why don’t you talk about it.” Ned said while sitting on the sand. “I can’t, it’s are secret that my mother told me to keep, sorry.” “Oh well that’s ok but you know it’s kind of wield you told me your mother died how can she tell you to keep it a secret.” “Um…I got to go home it’s getting late my dad would want to know where I am.” She said.
Ok, weird is still being spelled wield. I’m starting to think that the author is intentionally wielding the word wield. Plus she doesn’t know what it means. Nancy is being pretty dodgy on this whole secret thing. Her Mom has been talking to her from beyond the grave and Ned noticed. Now Nancy just expects to be able to change the topic? I would like to make a prediction: I predict that Nancy is a mermaid.
“Dad I’m home!” she exclaimed, they were in the hall of Nancy’s house.
Did you feel the wind in your hair as we seamlessly went from the beach with Ned to the hallway of Nancy’s house? It’s almost like using a Tardis but much much less exciting.
“Hello my favorite daughter why are you so late.” He said trying to sound angry. “So I have a curfew now and dad I’m your only child, I was at the beach there’s nothing to worry about.”
I think her Dad forgot he only has one kid. It also kind of sounds like Nancy just instituted a curfew for herself.
“Why were you at the beach?” “An old friend of mine suggested we go.” “Alright then good night Nancy” “night” Nancy said climbing the staircase to her bedroom.
Her father is kind of pathetic. His kid is late and says she’s been hanging out with an unnamed friend on the beach and he just says alright. He sounds like he’s doing a bang up job parenting.
Nancy: ur awake great
ned: be nice
nancy: Whatever are u ok
me:what do u think
Nancy: i’m so srry
me:it was u fault anyways
*Hides under the couch and whimpers for awhile*
“Thank you Nancy and all of you too, my family and I can never thank you for what you have done.” The man who she had just saved from going to jail said.
What.The.Hell. We’ve lost more of the plot. It’s like this story is a sweater in the attic with no mothballs. There are holes all over it. I’m not sure even a moth would want to sink it’s little mouth into this story.
“It’s our pleasure.” Nancy said “we must give you something to show our gratitude.” His wife said, “These gifts from us and thank you again. They all said thank you and opened them, Nancy, George and Bess got a hand bag and Ned got a wallet.
So they got a handbag to share? That sounds like a good time.
“Thank you all again without you my husband would be in jails all now.” His wife said while she, her husband and their daughter, honey, went outside and not soon after did George and Bess go. “So Nancy maybe I should get a diary too.” Ned said to Nancy who was sitting opposite of him. “Why?” Nancy asked. “To write about the dates I went on with you.” He said while smiling. “Um….. We’ll love two have you join us on our adventures.” She said smiling totally ignoring his question.
Why is she ignoring that the guy she is crazy about wants to go on dates with her? She is one screwed up cookie.
Two months later
“Hey Ned how are you we have not spoken in a long time call me when you get this message ok bye.” Nancy said while leaving Ned the message.
Here comes the DRD again, take cover!
“What’s wrong honey why so blue?” Hannah said while putting four pancakes on her plate.
“Oh nothing it’s just Ned and I have not talked in a long time and I’m worried because the time I heard from him he told me that he was getting treat notes on his door step.” “Oh that’s bad.”
But…they have treats, right? Like chocolate? Oh….you meant threats, didn’t you author? Sorry I had to play dumb for a minute because one missing h just turned something scary into something tasty.
“More than bad I’m afraid that he might have been kidnapped.” Nancy continued. “Oh you always jump to conclusion Nancy he might have his phone off.” Hannah suggested.
I can just see it now, Nancy concludes everyone has been kidnapped because her phone has died and she can’t reach anyone.
“No I get a voicemail all the time.” Nancy said, “I guess this is another case I’ll call Bess and George.” “Oh Nancy be very careful ok.” “I always am.” When she left the house Hannah said, “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Sounds like Hannah’s been rooting for Nancy to be careless and get herself killed. Nancy better watch those pancakes.
“Why hello Nancy I’m glad to finally meet you, where’s Ned?” Mrs. Nickerson said after Nancy introduced herself.
He’s your kid lady, you oughta know.
“Actually Mrs. Nickerson that is what I’m here for.” She said as she sat on the couch in the living room of the Nickerson’s residents.
Okay, logic would tell us that the residents of the Nickerson household are the Nickersons, correct? Oh, maybe she meant residence.
“Um ok so what is it?” “You see I’ve tried calling for the past few days and I still can’t get him to pick up.” “Oh dear I have no idea where he could be.” She said almost terrified.
So, presumably Mrs. Nickerson hasn’t heard from him in several days but it didn’t occur to her to worry. I wonder if Ned lives with her or not? I suppose he could live elsewhere.
“Mrs. Nickerson Ned told me that he was getting treat notes so I think that he might be in danger.”
They are still treat notes? Maybe he’s allergic to chocolate or severely diabetic.
“Oh my poor baby…..who could have done it?” “Did Ned have any enemies?” Nancy asked.
Hold up, we still don’t know that anything has happened to him from cripes sake!
“None that I know of he was always very poplar everyone loved him oh Nancy I heard around the street that you’re a detective can you please find Ned but with the police help of Couse.” Mrs. Nickerson.
Mrs. Nickerson is an adult and yet she manages to be less coherent than any of the teens. Why are they using the past tense? Have they already decided he’s dead?
“I was already planning to.” Nancy said while leaving the house.
In another part of river heights
“What do you want with me what have I done to you?” Ned asked his kidnappers, “You could at least give me some food I’m starving here.” “Oh well I’m sorry Mr. Greedy,” one of his kidnapper said while laughter like a witch and who also looks like one.
O.M.G. There was a hint of almost a description there.
“Oh my darling Sophie your jokes are hilarious and your laughs’ a just amazing and you’re the most beautiful creature to walk the earth.” Her husband said to her.
Plus she makes the most amazing treat notes.
I guess love is blind, deaf and loves stale jokes Ned thought.
Wait, there was a joke somewhere?
“Well Ned your girlfriend of yours is the reason you’re here.” kidnapper number two said showing him a picture of her. “Nancy, what did she ever do to you?” “Your girlfriend has been keeping secrets from you.”
Dun dun DUN! With that cliffhanger, I will conclude this first installment of the story of us. Be sure to come back next time to find out Nancy’s secret. I promise you, it is worth it. Little does she know, Ned has a secret too. This story just gets more interesting. By interesting, I mean totally chaotic and awesomely bizarre. Just the way I like it.