231: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels - Chapter Nine

Title: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels
Author: insane doctor and judgmentdragon25
Media: Video Game/Movie
Topic: Call of Duty/Land Before Time Cross-Over
Genre: None Listed
URL: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels – Chapter Nine
Critiqued by TacoMagic

It’s Wednesday, so that means I get to subject you to more of this poo-covered train-wreck of a fic.

A quick recap from last time: Team Stu did a lot of gun-play and then ran into Littlefoot’s father, Bron.  They “carefully” avoided any conflict with Bron by dodging his questions about his parents.  And Bron, being a gentleman and a dinosaur, didn’t press the issue.  They all piled into a cave and went to sleep… without setting up any kind of sentries or night watch.  Good job, Team Stu.

Another short chapter today, but it would I be remiss not to fire up the comma program.

[taco@magic : ~/LOD/tools]$ TCT \c 1:9

Taco’s Comma Tracker V. 2.5
Loading chapters 1 to 9…Done
Commas detected: 43
Total words analyzed: 31,429
Total commas used correctly: 0

No new commas in this chapter, but it’s a pretty short one so that’s no surprise.  Without further ado, I give you:

Chapter 9 her plan

Anyone else here assuming that “her” is Ruby Sue?  Yeah, OK, you can all put your hands down.  Our fanboy authors really need to practice subtlety.  For those playing at home, subtlety is best practiced by not writing pedophile dinosaur porn.  *Shudder*

Anyway, we start off like we always do with a turdy authors’ note.

judgmentdragon25:docter I have to ask you why are pulling jackass scenes at the end of chapters

I wish JD25 would have narrowed it down a bit, all the chapters are so full of jackassery that I have no idea which scene it is he’s talking about.  Maybe the fact that when Bron wanted to know about the fate of his parents that Team Stu blew him off and went to sleep instead?  That particular scene filled up most of a douchebag all by itself.

the insane doctor: would you prefer me to put them at the beginning of chapters

I’d prefer you didn’t write them at all.  And since when have you NOT been writing jackassery at the beginning of the chapter?  And the middle, for that matter.  In fact, the only scenes that don’t feature the team acting like douchebags are the scenes of gunplay.  Or the one scene featuring… moving on.

everyone:no

the insane doctor: then stop complaining about them

What, are you going to add more jackass scenes if I stop complaining?  I would think this fic is already getting close to a sort of jackass critical mass; add any more and it’ll implode and vanish from existence.  That’s kind of the opposite of giving us a reason not to complain.

richardterminator:how can I stop complaining if you dumped cow shit on me last chapter

everyone besides richardterminator starts laughing

littlefoot:because it was funny

Oh, he’s whining about the authors’ notes.  I suppose, given the nature of the writing, it was too much to hope for that the authors would grasp the subtlety of Bron’s plight.

richardterminator:it was not fucking funny

Here, here!  Nothing in this entire fic has been remotely funny.  Well, not any of the things that were supposed to be funny, anyway.

the insane doctor:you correct it wasn’t fucking funny it was motherfuckin hysterical

Funny as a dead clown.

richardterminator shoots a I wanna kill you look at doc

the insane doctor:okay starting chapter

Yeah, I’ve come to a decision.  Other than chapter 6, it IS a very, very slight relief when the authors’ note ends and the fic begins.  I’ll take the small comfort in knowing that I’ve got about a thousand words of laundry-list style gun-play descriptions before I have to be subjected to another authors’ note.  As such, I’ve qualified this story for the Crazy Ass-Author tag; these authors’ notes are just not a sign of sound mental health.

the three longnecks were sleeping soundly dreaming about what is was like before the strange dinosaurs had appeared and started killing everything in there path as they were all suddenly awoken to the muffled sound of.

I’m right there with them.  I often dream of the days before cod:tuzc came into my life.  I was happier then; I laughed more.

“…wa…wake…come on wake the fuck up”! Insane shouted causing all three longnecks to rise up to there feet as they saw everyone in the group of twenty shooting at a huge undead army of fast runners that were all over the valley in a huge mass as doc asked.

Wow, I guess ALL longnecks sleep really heavy.  I’m almost sorry for picking on Littlefoot when he slept through half a gunfight.

And it’s nice to know we’re still holding strong at twenty, with only the two missing members.

“whats going on”? Doc asked as the watched the fast runners who had made it to the cave entrance being brought down by there strange items they had as they saw many strange items hit the floor after they were thrown out of the strange items as judgment asked.

*Rubs forehead*

I don’t think I even need to bother explaining what the authors did wrong in that sentenceograph.  They do that kind of crap so often that it’s really just wearing on me at this point.  Please, dearest authors, pick one style of narrative.  You bounce between limited third person and omniscient third person like a squirrel on crank.  Pick one and go with it.  And when you do finally pick one, dodge the awkward-ass “strange items” style over-quantification that runs rampant through your writing.  The only, only good thing I can say about the narrative of this fic is that it has not descended into first person.  Yet.  I haven’t read any of the sequels, but I have a feeling it’s only a matter of time before it happens.  The authors have done everything else wrong, so that’s really all they have left to screw up.

“do you all know of any other way that we can use to escape cause if we don’t get out of here now were gonna end up like one of those freaks…holy shit”? Judgment said as he saw a zombie raptor charging right at him as he immediately brought it down with his stonerfu-b1tch as he heard bron reply.

Oh, Team Stu is trapped in a cave by a giant, unending swarm of zombies.  I never would have seen THAT coming.  Nope, not at all.

“yes there is an exit just at the back of the cave but I don’t know if we’ll run all of them”. Bron replied as he heard his son reply.

Remember kids, if you’re ever trapped in a cave, a convenient second exit will always appear for you.  An exit that will always be free of zombies and lead to a path of candy that ends at a factory that produces nothing but sexy, naked people.

“no problem dad”. Littlefoot replied as he shot the roof of the of the cave causing the entrance to be blocked by a lot of boulders as littlefoot turned and said.

I suppose it’s better that they’re all ignorant to how close Littlefoot just came to killing everyone by starting a full-scale cave-in.  It’s one of those things that’s better not to know, really.

“that will hold them but not forever we got to run now lets get to the exit”. Littlefoot said as the group of twenty-three started running towards the exit just as multiple zombie arms extended threw the boulders started to fall under the strength of the undead army.

That was fast.  Apparently zombies are masters of the quarry; able to move in mere minutes what would take a team of highly trained professionals several days and a few million dollars of equipment to do.  I’m totally hiring zombies to dig the foundation of my next house.  They’ll have it done in 29 seconds.

Also, there are still two members missing.  Just thought I’d let you know.

After running towards the back of the cave for five minutes the entire group saw light at the end of the cave as they all broke threw the blinding light as they saw the open plain that surrounded the valley hearing both chompers and ruby’s death machines going off as multiple rocks closed the exit as both chomper and ruby rejoined the group as they all ran down a path that lead towards some mountains off in the distance.

I’m still trying to figure out why our authors are so hung up on how much time it takes to do anything.  We get minimal setting, yet whenever they run somewhere we get a detail of the time it takes.  Seriously, less reporting of highly unimportant details and more setting!  Pronto!

Also, why did they collapse the cave behind them?  If anything they just gave away their position when they fired off their gattling guns.  If you HAVE to collapse the cave, why not use some of that handy C4 on a delay timer.  Hell, you might even kill a cohort of zombies doing it that way.

So then, they run for it.  For 3 hours, apparently (again, glad we have that nugget of info).  We get some exposition that they seem to have lost the zombies for the moment, due to a fog bank swinging in without being described and a storm system quickly approaching… that they are somehow able to see through the dense fog.  I’m adding “weather” as another thing the authors have likely never experienced.  Jeez, this list is pretty long.  I’m just going to combine everything and list it as “outdoors.”  Yup, I’m thoroughly convinced that the authors have never actually been outside at this point because they show absolutely no aptitude for describing things as they actually happen out there.

They talk for a bit about the storm they can see coming through the fog before something really convenient happens.

“guys I think we got company”. Petrie said as him and the others readied there weapons waiting for the flier to get close as they watched it land in front of them seeing it immediately back away as they heard it say.

Hey look, there’s that flier that the authors forgot about from last chapter.  Handy that he shows up now, and can see them!  Through the thick fog.  Huh, I guess flying through thick fog while under the threat of a huge storm isn’t as bad an idea as it sounds.

Anyway, our mystery flier turns out to be Petrie’s uncle, Terano.  That’s the convenient part.  It turns out that ol’ Terano was roosting up in the mountains when his, uh… gaggle of fliers were attacked and turned into zombies with him as the only survivor.  Well, probably not a survivor for much longer, but he made it this far.

Terano’s appearance is mostly unimportant, because as soon as he arrives Insane makes the supposition that Samantha is actually driving Team Stu toward something or somewhere because the zombies haven’t been attacking very much.

Could have fooled me really, what with the thousands of zombie raptors ambushing them at every turn.  And really, why on Earth would Samantha want to drive them to a particular spot to kill this group of people who are largely unimportant to her?  The only one in the group who should be of any interest to Samantha is Richthofen, since he was the one who created her and the zombies.  But, he’s trying to recover control of the zombies from her, so really, she would want him dead anyway.  This fic is very not good at logic.

Also, I was finally wrong about something!  ”Her” in this case wasn’t Ruby Sue, but Samantha!  Calling it a “plan,” on the other hand, is a bit of a stretch.

Luckily, Littlefoot knows what’s going on.

“she’s pushing us to death valley”. Littlefoot said almost breaking up into tears as insane asked.

Ah yes, scenic death valley in one of the many lagoons of Jurassic Germany.  It must be next to those huge forests… or that coast with the island and the two land bridges.  Or maybe the mountains.  Wow, Germany had EVERYTHING 175 million years ago.

Death valley, in this case, isn’t the one in California (which doesn’t exist back then anyway), but rather the valley where Littlefoot’s mother died at the beginning of the first movie.  Good, the team knows where they’re being driven to so they can avoid it and spoil Samantha’s plans!  Awesome!

“then I guess that’s where were going littlefoot you know the way”. Tank said as he heard littlefoot reply.

Well… crap.  So, I guess we may as well assume Tank is kinda like this:

Doing a good job there, Tank.
Originally from PVPonline.

Sadly, I’m betting this approach works.  This IS  a team full of Gary Stus after all.

“well what are we waiting that bitch want’s us to come to her then lets go kick her back to hell where she belongs”. Soap said as everyone go to there feet with small smiles on there faces as they resumed walking on the trail hearing the zombies right behind them as they all looked forwards to see a massive dark cloud off in the distance knowing that samantha was waiting for them.

Well fellas, this trap isn’t just going to spring itself.  Let’s all charge head first into the guillotine; that’ll show her!

And so the chapter ends.  Luckily, we have another one of these delightful authors’ notes.

the insane doctor:hi I’m the insane doctor here with judgmentdragon25 and everyone story thinks that there coming here for a photo shoot but what they don’t know is that we rigid the locks on the doors so they can’t get out and we got a shit load of bees and there pissed and also encase they get out we got some marbles for them

Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s more pathetic that ID thinks these hi-jinx are amusing, or that he likely finds them hilarious.  There is no good answer to that puzzle.

(limo starts pulling up)

judgmentdragon25:this is the bee hive limo

both judgmentdragon25 and the insane doctor walk up quickly to the limo insane climbing on top of the ruff pouring the bees into the limo as judgmentdragon25 poured the marbles all over the ground

(inside the limo)

niko:chyot were lock in

everyone in the limo screaming in pain

richardterminator:ah there fucking stinging my legs ah

runs to the other end of the limo landing on price soap tank and richtofen

chomper:get back over there dude your getting them over here

(insane runs up and opens the door)

everyone gets out slipping over the marbles as insane and judgment laugh there asses off

Seriously, it’s bad enough that the authors think they’re amusing without them also writing fics.  Can’t they just sit in their rooms and picture all this crap in their heads?  Must they really beat us insensate with their sad and inept slapstick?  This is so depressingly bad that I can’t even make funny commentary about it.

richardterminator:you guys are dick man fuck this hurts

judgmentdragon25:sorry bro’s

the insane doctor:look limo drivers bugging out man and also to the people reading this leave me a review or message me what you think of the story thanks(doctor falls over laughing with judgmentdragon25 doing the same thing as there friends tried to pull the stingers off of them)

This fic is seriously wearing me out.  A mind can only be subjected to so much before breaking down and just whimpering in the corner of the skull. Luckily this pile of anaerobic decomposition only has two more chapters.  I’m already looking forward to those beautiful little words I’ll see at the end of the fic.

*Turns to the end of the fic*

To be continued…

Fuck.

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