201: A Questing We Go! – Chapter TwoPosted: March 28, 2012 | |
Title: A Questing We Go!
Topic: Peter Pan
URL: A Questing We Go! – Chapter Two
Critiqued by TacoMagic
Welcome back to another day on our break from the horrible Call of Duty fic. This week I’m flying solo as I riff on chapter 2 of A Questing We Go! that, so far, has been fairly quest free.
To recap, in chapter one we were treated to a game of hide and seek being played by a large group of kids, most of whom wanted to be playing almost anything else. They eventually find a radioactive map and decide to call it a night. Chapter two follows the point of view of Harmonia, a fairy that appeared briefly in chapter one, only to throw a bitch-fit about being called “glowey” and leave.
You just won’t give up will you? Do you find this very important? It is, but it’s amazing you found an interest in this. Well, I’ll carry on.
Hey look! It’s our abusive, alcoholic narrator again! I love this guy. I’m totally picturing a skinny, heavily bearded, 70-year-old man in a rocking chair. As he tells the story he takes the occasional swig from his handy jug sporting the stereotypical ”XXX” on it. If you dare interrupt our narrator, he whacks you with his cane and tells you to, “Shut yer yap when I’m talking, ya damn whipper snapper!” Have I mentioned that I love this guy?
When Harmonia flew away out of anger, or annoyance, or anything, she didn’t just go anywhere. She went home. And, it was certainly a sight there…
I choose: “Harmonia flew away out of incontinence.” That counts as “anything,” right? You do fly way faster when you really, really need to find a toilet.
The sight, you ask? Corpses strewn everywhere. And zombie-ninjas! Lots of zombie-ninjas. This fic is getting better already!
Harmonia looked around her. The sky was as blue as ever. She hadn’t meant to leave Snaps as she had, but oh!, she could be so irritating. Not that she minded it. She liked the spark the girl had. She was funny too.
Captain, the main italic conversion chamber is offline! We pushed her too hard!
On another note: the exclamation comma just doesn’t see enough use these days. Seriously.
Harmonia crash-landed onto a large flower. There was an explosion of yellow around her. She coughed and stood up, brushing the pollen of her blue shirt and skirt. After that, she flew back up and surveyed her surroundings.
So, um, why the hell did she land in the first place then?! Or maybe she’s so upset about Snaps being irritated, even though she’s “tots fine about it, whatevs,” that Harm isn’t watching where she’s going.
“Why do I always keep doing this?” She tapped her head. “One day, you’re going to have to learn that crashing hurts.”
Ah, there we are; it’s compulsive crashing. Maybe it’s time for an intervention?
She smiled when something bright caught her eye. It was Sunny’s Sweet Tooth. Otherwise known as the best bakery shop there was in Pixie Hollow. The best in Neverland for all she knew. With its yellow and purple coloring, it was sure to catch anyone’s eye. Like it did hers.
Hey look, it’s Pixie Hollow, the non-canon fairy city that Disney created to make more money off of the sudden popularity of Tinker Bell! Our author is obviously a fan of the new Pixie Hollow Games show on Disney Channel.
She brushed the remaining bit of pollen off and rose in the air again. She landed carefully (though she did sort of stumble) in near the door. She opened it.
Parenthetical statement! Yes! I’m glad for that aside, since it certainly couldn’t have been added to that sentence in a natural way. No sir, no way at all to have included that information at all.
Harm has now risen into the air twice without landing in between. Our Author is getting dangerously close to causing a DRD visit.
New drinking game: Whenever there’s a parenthetical statement you all have to take a shot. So that’s one!
A strong smell of sweets rushed to her. Inside, the place was pretty packed. There were groups talking and laughing and doing whatever it was they were doing. And, of course, some were just eating.
She found herself a place to sit. She rested her head on her hands. She was going to get up and order something, but she just needed to think right now. Or, empty her mind.
There, empty! That was fast.
“Hello, Harmonia!” A voice said.
Hello, voice! I love it when disembodied voices show up. Really, it’s best part of any fic.
Harmonia turned and saw a short fairy waving at her and making her way towards her. She was balancing some object under her left arm.
“Hi, Catena!” She hadn’t expected to see her here. But, what was under her arm made her curious. “Do you need help?”
“Nope.” Catena shook her head. She used her whole body to try to balance the thing she was holding. “I’m fine, just fine.” She sounded out of breath. She cocked her head to the side. “Are you by yourself, or are you waiting for someone?”
That whole “comma separating dialogue from attribution” thing seems to have been covered on a day in class where our author was absent.
“I’m by myself.” Harmonia motioned for her to sit down across from her.
Catena walked there and put the object on the table. Did I say “put”? More accurately, she dropped it. The table shook.
Our narrator is far less crotchety when the italic converter is offline. He also seems to chose randomly when to use a conversational tone and when to use an uninterested third person tone. I’m going to chalk it up to the amount of drinking he does during the story.
Harmonia looked at the object carefully. It was wrapped up so tightly with leaves that she couldn’t tell what the shape was supposed to be. “What’s in it?”
“I’m about to show you. It’s so amazing!” Her bronze face had a tint of red to it.
I like how we get character descriptions in small chunks that feel like they’re given grudgingly. So far we have Harmonia, a fairy who is like a little blue sun and wears blue clothing, and Catena, a shorter than normal fairy who is made of red bronze.
They sat in silence.
“Are you going to show be, or not?”
They sat in silence; for about 2 seconds. Not quite long enough to be awkward.
“I will, I’m just waiting for Sparks. ” Catena shrugged. “You wanna go get something? Chocolate Fig Cake? Or Neverberry Tarts?”
“You invited Sparks?” Harmonia leaned in ignoring Catena. She knew all about that pest. He was always causing trouble, wreaking havoc, producing chaos…”
Harm, you’re doing a terrible job ignoring Catena if you’re still in the middle of a conversation with her.
*Snags the spare quotation mark* This will probably come in handy later.
Catena folded her arms. Whatever trace of giddy-ness was gone. She stared at Harmonia, her light blue eyes glared at her. Coldness seemed to seep from her skin. “Sparks is my friend. He doesn’t question my friendship with you.”
I hate it when my eyes glare. I try to control them but those little bleeders have a mind of their own.
“Sorry.” Harmonia said. “She wasn’t”
Harm! You’re still not ignoring Catena! Get it right! And, why did Harm say “She wasn’t”? I don’t get it; Sparks is apparently a man according to Catena… or maybe she wasn’t a man? This shit is getting confusing.
Catena didn’t notice and went back to her old self. I’ll order a plate of Neverberry Tarts and three slices of Chocolate Fig Cake, and Honey Cider. That sound good?” She didn’t even wait for answer before she left to order the meal.
What is Catena not noticing? She doesn’t notice that Sparks is really a girl? That should be pretty evident given that Catena keeps referring to Sparks as “he”. And for gods’ sake, double check your dialogue for quotes! For a second there I thought the narrator was going to treat me to some baked goods! I’m so disappointed that it turned out to be Catena speaking that I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish this damned thing. But, on the plus side, I figured out where that spare quotation mark was supposed to go.
Harmonia sighed. This is just what she needed: an annoying person, but down to size.
Hey look, a tiny joke! *Ba-dum*
In five minutes, Catena returned with the food (with Harmonia’s help, since Catena was going to drop all the plates). Catena was just about to take a sip from her Honey Cider when everyone in the bakery heard a loud cracking sound, like a lightning strike. Everyone jumped, save Catena. She put down her drink and smiled. Sparks was here.
Again, thank the gods for that parenthetical, I can’t imagine how that little tidbit could have possibly been worked into that paragraph! Everyone take a shot.
Sparks here is really Thor, god of thunder, mighty hammer-wielding defender of mankind, embodiment of healing and fertility… in fairy form.
And then we get a line break.
There aren’t words.
At this point we switch over to Sparks’ point of view. This perspective shift is rather confusing given that we have an abusive, drunken narrator. Maybe he’s dictating the fic from within the fic?
Sparks made his way to their table. Along the way, he was shocking people (accidental and/or intentional). He sat next to Catena and grinned.
WHICH THE FUCK IS IT? It simply can’t be accidentally intentional, though that’s a very Shakespearean oxymoron, if I do say so myself. Also, dear author, if you’re going to refer to pixies as “people” then you can’t use “people” to specifically indicate all humans. It makes the “annoying person” joke you made a few sentences early not make any sense in this context.
Also, everyone take another shot.
“Hiya, my fellow friends.” Harmonia produced a fake smile, and then began to eat her tarts.
Why’s she greeting both of them? Hasn’t she been with Cat for a while now? Maybe she’s got that short-term memory loss thing like Dory does. That actually explains pretty well why Harm kept landing and taking off again, and can’t remember that crashing hurts.
We now appear to be back in Harm’s point of view. This time without transition. Yay!
“So, watcha got there, Catena?” He reached for the object.
“Hey! I’m unwrapping it!” Catena slapped Sparks hand away. Each recoiled from skin contact.
Wow, we have evidence of intimacy issues from two characters in the second chapter. This does not bode well, my friends.
“Feast your eyes.” She unwrapped the covering. She reached in. “Behold!” She paused for dramatic effect. “The geode!”
Cat talks. Like William. Shatner.
Sparks clapped. That was a mistake. Sparks of electricity flew everywhere shocking people trying to peacefully eat. The fairies yelled at him to calm down.
It’s OK Sparky, it happens to the best of us. Sometimes things are just moving a little too fast and you can’t control yourself. We can all wait for a few minutes and then you can try again.
Also, you have no idea how awesome it is to be able to call a character “Sparky” and have it be a legitimate nickname.
Sparks put his hands in the air. “Okay, okay. Sorry.” He put his hands down and turned back to his table. “Not.” He laughed to himself.
And, as we see here, Sparky does indeed deserve the nickname.
Harmonia, not wanting to disappoint her friend, asked with fake curiosity. “So, what does it do?”
Harm, are you sure that the two of you are friends? You seem to have to fake a lot of interest in her and have mentioned a few times how you find her very presence annoying.
Catena looked at her as if it was obvious. “We break it.” She turned to Sparks. “Do the honors.”
“With pleasure.” He rubbed his hands making loud cracking noises.
That sentence is awesome! Mostly because it makes it seem like Sparky is saying the cracking noises like a little kid.
“Crack, crinkly, crunch, crackity, pop, snap, sizzle!”
“STOP!” Harmonia cried.
Catena and Sparks looked up.
“Before Sparks makes the whole place explode, don’t you think we should go outside?”
If Sparky here has a history of property destruction and other assorted douchebaggery, why are they letting him(her?) into Pixie Hollow? You would think even a group of magical fairies would have some kind of law system, even if it was just to kick Sparky out of town and lock the gate on him. I’d at least force him to wear a grounding strap whenever he was in town.
Catena and Sparks shrugged showing that they didn’t care how they did it or where they did it, only that they did it.
Assistant douchebag to the rescue! I hope we aren’t supposed to like either of those characters because at this point I really, really don’t.
I’m not terribly convinced that Harm likes either of them either, which means she makes a lot of poor life choices if she’s hanging out with them anyway. As such, I don’t like Harm either.
“Alright.” Harmonia took a large sip of her cider and started to walk off. As soon as they reached the door, they flew out. As nice as walking was, flying was much more convenient.
It seems that Harm did a lot more than start to walk off. In fact, she seems to have completed the whole walking-off maneuver with staggering success.
They landed in an open clearing (Harmonia didn’t want to take the chance that anything would explode), and they continued from there.
Well, anything other than the Geode, of course. That Geode will turn into the equivalent of a claymore mine when you hit it with enough electrical current to actually do anything.
And, take another shot.
Sparks was above the rock and rubbed his hands together spreading flashes of light shoot from them. “Time to get dangerous.”
Bad Sparky! No stealing from Darkwing Duck! OK, well Darkwing’s line is a tad different, but close enough.
He rubbed his hands faster and faster until they glowed blue. He placed his hands on the geode.
Wow… uh… awkward. Maybe we should all just give Sparky and the geode some time alone.
Again, imagine that Sparky is just saying those sound effects. It makes the scene way more fun.
You know that thing? The thing that’s useful when you have to show the audience who’s talking? You know, when you need to attribute dialogue to somebody? Yeah, it’s handy as hell, whatever it’s called.
Two shots! Anyone need hospitalization yet?
[Naaaaah! Ims sfine... juuusss... jusss hol' still a moment. I gotta tell ya sommiin... I gotta tell ya... I love you, man! *HURF!* -Lyle]
The smoke cleared and they were looking at a crater. Half of the geode was left. The rest was gone. The crystals inside the rock had a strange color. Not quite black, but somewhere between purple and blue.
Uh, since when does black sit between purple and blue? Or is it a blacky-purply-blue?
“That. Was. So. Cool!” Catena high-fived Sparks and they both got reactions from skin connection. Catena cleared her throat. “And, just for the record, it’s my rock.”
Still. Talking. Like. Shatner.
And the less said about their reaction to the unanticipated physical contact, the better.
“Technically, it’s sort of mine since I broke it.” Sparks said crossing his arms.
WHOA! That’s a rule? Possession is 9/10ths breaking something?!
*Grabs a baseball bat*
I’ll be right back, one of my neighbors owns a Porsche.
“It’s just a rock.” Harmonia pointed out.
“‘ It’s just a rock.‘” Catena mimicked Harmonia. “But, I like rocks. Rocks are cool. And, it’s mine.” Catena walked to the rock and picked it back up. She was wobbling, but she didn’t ask for any help. She flipped it over, almost dropping it.
Harm, you really need to learn how to pick better friends. Seriously, you’re dredging the bottom of the douchebag for these two.
“What’s that?” She asked it mostly to herself than to anyone else. But, Sparks and Harmonia went to look at it.
*Crosses fingers* C’mon zombie-ninja! She’s totally found a zombie-ninja! Please, please, please, please…
There was a piece of paper, probably as tall as them. It was inside the crater that Sparks had created. It was glowing a shade of green. Strange markings were written all over it.
Boo, it’s just one of those stupid radioactive chunks of map. Those damn things pop up EVERYWHERE!
“Where did that come from?” Sparks said aloud voicing everyone’s thoughts. No one answered, since no one knew.
They stared at it for a few minutes more.
*Yawn* Guys, if you’re going to make this plot go anywhere, you’re running out of time.
Suddenly, Sparks reached down and picked it up. It the paper’s length was a little shorter than him. He rose to the air and prepared to fly away.
How sudden is it if they were all gawking at the scroll for several minutes. I think the sentence should have been: “Eventually, Sparky reached down and picked it up.”
“Hey! That’s mine!” Catena cried flying after him.
“I know.” Sparks said slowing down. He turned around to look at the girls. “I’m going to my place. If you wanna find out what it is, you shouldn’t fall far behind.”
Quick! After him, he’s trying to further delay the plot!
Catena grumbled and flew after him leaving cold air as she left.
Harmonia rolled and grumbled. Could her day get any stranger?
Harm does a barrel-roll?! I won’t lie, that’s pretty awesome. No idea why she’s grumbling about it though, I’d think doing a barrel-roll would be rather fun.
… so they left. To decipher what the paper was? Who knows? How am I to say they weren’t stopped along the way?
Captain, I got that italic converter fixed for ya. It’s only workin’ at 40% capacity, so don’t strain it!
Did I they were stopped? Maybe they were, maybe they were not. You’ll have to check by me. I’ll tell you, if I’m in the mood.
You know, I have no idea you they were stopped. Maybe if you few bars I could guess?
Have I mentioned that I love this narrator? He’s so drunk at this point that he can’t remember the rest of the story! So instead of admitting it, he waffles on with vague, contradictory statements and then makes a thinly veiled threat that if the readers don’t bring him some more hooch when they visit next time, he won’t be telling them any more story.
“Gramps is only ‘in the mood’ for story time when he’s got a full jug, and he doesn’t have a full jug tonight, does he?! No he doesn’t! He doesn’t because you little shits can’t take a friggin’ hint! So tonight we’re all just going to take a tour of my huge collection of earwax sculptures. And if I hear any crying, so help me you’ll get a paddlin’.”
Sorry if it seems rushed. Did you notice anything? I’ll give you a hint: Disney.
Really, I didn’t see any subtle references to Disney stuff. Hold on, let me re-check it just in case I missed something.
AHA! That flower near the beginning was totally from Fantasia!
Very subtle, author, I almost didn’t catch it!
Sorry if I didn’t introduced all the fairies. I will, but that will be in a future chapter. And, thanks for the reviews. (they made me feel so warm inside :)
Actually, that’s a misconception about reviews. They actually constrict the blood vessels making you colder even though you FEEL warm inside.
Until next week, Librarians, stay vague!
Oh, and you all have to take a shot.