176: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels - Chapter Four, Part Two

Title: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels
Author: insane doctor and judgmentdragon25
Media: Video Game/Movie
Topic: Call of Duty/Land Before Time Cross-Over
Genre: None Listed
URL: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels – Chapter Four
Critiqued by TacoMagic

This week I’m going to start things off  a bit differently.  You see, in a fit of rage, I wrote a very unhelpful, destructive review for this fic over on FF.net.  I thought I’d share it with you, just for giggles.

I would say that this fic was the worst thing ever written, but I’ve read the sequels and know that such a claim would be a lie.

Many can only aspire to this level of literary failure, but you, dear sir, have shown that not only it is possible to reach such a level, but also possible to maintain it indefinitely through the course of many works.

I applaud you.

I can be a real lukewarm bastard sometimes.  Moving on.

Last time on call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels a swarm of zombie Velociraptors of ecologically unlikely proportions attacked Team Stu.  The swarm killed just about all the resident dinosaurs, except for the children dinosaurs prominent in the series of Land Before Time movies.  Meanwhile the team got to brandish their weapons and the authors got to describe TONS of thrilling gun-play.  The chapter ended with Captain Price detonating a pseudo-nuclear warhead he had hidden somewhere in the valley when nobody was looking.  Douchebag. Of. The. Century.

We last left our tepid adventurers catching their breaths after they had run like hell to escape the blast of the pseudo-nuke and the remainder of the ecologically unfeasible zombie dinosaur army.

While catching their breaths, Tank asks Richtofen to “check if we’re being followed,”  to which Richtofen replies:

“for the time being american but I am sure they are right on our asses so we can’t stay here to long”. Richtofen replied as he jumped down from one of the rocks as tank said.

Huh?  So you can see that you are being followed for the time being, but you’re sure that they’re following you?  What?  Maybe Richtofen is having some ESL problems (or our authors aren’t big into proof-reading).

So, since they’re being followed and will be being followed closely (brain… hurts…),  they all start running again, only to stop shortly thereafter to gawk at somebody killing zombies.

After a few more seconds of running the group of seventeen had come to a stop to see another human being with four familiar looking dinosaurs as judgment looked out in disbelief as judgment said.

Look, a capital letter!  And this has got to be Richard, right?  I mean he’s the guy who did a Jason Voorhees Death during the flashback in the last chapter.  The dude is obviously a real life friend of JD25, so really he couldn’t not have survived and found a way into the past, right?  If this is Richard I’m totally giving this fic a wedgie.

“richard”.? Judgment said causing the human being to turn around as the one called richard stared at him in disbelief as the one called richard replied.

All right, that’s it!

*Sound of underwear elastic tearing as it’s pulled past the point of failure*

Ok fic, give us one good explanation of how the hell Richard made it back in time.  I’ll wait while you come up with something.

“after me and you split up I had assumed you were dead as well my friend I had managed to lose the horde of zombies but I had managed to jump aboard a train after three days it came to a stop in Nevada and I had made my way to the military base there luck for me it was abandon I was able to find some weapons which lasted me for a few days till I had found this weird machine and after one of the zombies had pushed a button on a panel that was connected to it I was waking up here in the past”. Richard replied as he explained to his friend on how he got to the past as judgment began to introduce his friend to the soldiers he had been fighting beside against the zombies as they all heard the young dinosaurs yell.

*ALARM BLARES*

*Swipes his credit card in the redundant meter of redundancy.*

We really need to invest in the pre-paid plan.

So yes, he managed to get himself accidentally transported to the VERY SAME time AND location that Team Stu accidentally got themselves transported to.

*GONG*

The Deus Ex Machina can only be stretched so far!  Knock it off!  It’s also good to know that the trains keep running even in a zombie apocalypse.  That’s some handy survival information to remember.  Does this mean we’re going to eventually see some of the other characters who died off camera?

It’s rather polite of the dinosaur zombies that they stopped attacking for this introduction.  You can say many bad things about zombie Velociraptors, but their manners are impeccable.

“ali,rhett,shorty,guido”! All of the young dinosaurs yelled as they ran over to see there friend which they couldn’t believe were still alive asking the same questions judgment had asked as niko said.

Oh yes, the supporting children dinosaurs from the Land Before Time movies, the authors almost forgot about those.  Good thing they have a conveniently placed spare character to bring them into the group.  And, those would be the only 3 commas you’ll see in this chapter.  Treasure them.

“okay can we hurry up and get the greeting behind us before…oh shit”.! Niko yelled as they all looked to see a huge horde of zombiefied raptors mixed with zombiefied fliers as insane accidentally fell backwards onto a dead dinosaurs skull as they all knew what was about to happen as richtofen said.

Pterodactyl zombies?!  Now we’re talking.  I’ll give this story one more redemption point because flying zombie dinosaurs is a pretty awesome concept that I don’t think I’ve seen before.

I’m still waiting for that Zombie T-Rex, though.  *Keeps fingers crossed*

That’s making it really hard to type.

[Still better than the fic authors.  - AR]

everyone get ready to kick some ass while doing it to the music also dinosaurs stay behind us we will protect you”. Richtofen said as they all readied there weapons as the horde closed the gap between them.

(lyrics to partytime zombie version by 45 grave)

Ok, that’s it.  I’m taking back both of those redemption points.  Not only have these authors committed the unforgivable sin of attempting the literary montage, but they’ve done it twice.

Hint for aspiring authors out there: Montages are a FILM TECHNIQUE ONLY!

I’ll spare you most of this sequence, as it’s simply descriptions of gun-play interspersed with lines from the horrible song.  Seriously, we’ve gotten Nickelback AND 45 grave in one fic.  What’s next, something from Nelly or Dave Mathews Band?  Maybe some Black Eyed Peas to really make things classy?

But, within this mind-rendingly bad sequence are a few gems of putrid literary refuse that stick out enough to be made fun of honored.

richard kicks a zombie down only to bring a knife down into it’s skull killing it instantly as he got back up throwing the knife backwards without looking causing a zombie behind insane to go air born and land on it’s back with a knife in it’s neck.

*SIREN WAILS*

*Swipes card*

We really need that bulk discount.  Good to know that when you hit something with a knife and kill it that the knife is stuck into it.  One might think that the knife would vanish upon striking the target or something if you didn’t state it clearly.  Richard must be Superman or something.  A normal person would pretty much have to fire a knife out of a cannon to knock a Velociraptor into the air**.

insane pulls out his gutwrench as he flipped a zombiefied raptor over his head as he shot it in the head killing it instantly.

You forgot to shout, “PULL!”

nikolai hits a zombie in the head with the back of his ak-47 only to fire a full burst into the raptors gut while disemboweling it with his sickle)

Once again our authors give us a hint that they’ve never actually fired a rifle.  Go ahead and try that maneuver at the practice range.  Make sure to film it for Youtube because you ARE going to hurt yourself and it’ll be pretty funny.

everyone from the group throws grenades taking down half of the zombiefied dinosaurs only to hear the beginning of another song as judgment said.

“sweet we get another to kill them to”. Judgment said as they continued to kill the zombies.

(lyrics to not ready to die by avenged sevenfold)

OH GOODY!  We get TWO freaking montage scenes in a row?!  What luck!

This is getting to be intolerable.  And, once again, they pick a shitty band. I guessed wrong on which one, though.  Maybe when the authors grow up they’ll grow some musical taste.  *Shakes his old-man cane*

So, we get even MORE of this literary montage, proving once and for all that our authors are blissfully unaware how boring prolonged descriptions of one-sided battles involving copious gun-play actually are.  I’d liken it to watching Astroturf grow.

insane judgment and richard all melee one zombiefied raptor together as it’s head slid clean off.

Ok, boys, there are plenty of zombies to go around.  It’s nice that you share, but it would be more efficient to divide your efforts a bit more.  Just sayin’.

both soap and niko unload there weapons into a small group of zombies as there blood flew all around staining the ground and the rocks.

Whoa!  Did Soap and Niko just die?  “There” blood just splattered everywhere, so maybe we just lost a couple of the Stus!  Right?  Right?!

What do you mean misplaced identifier?  Awww, nertz, it was the zombies’ blood, wasn’t it?

richard kicks a zombie in the head hard killing it instantly for he had a hidden blade in his shoe.

Huh, that was a rather archaic way to phrase that.  I’m not even sure what else to say, for I am flabbergasted.

Finally the song ends as they take down the last of the zombies.  Funny how they didn’t think to have this montage in the valley; they might not have had to blow it up if they had remembered they could fight by montage.  (Fighting by montage is similar to traveling by map.)

The sun was now going down just over the horizon the dinosaurs were still amazed on how the humans took down all those zombies as tank said.

Bask in their Stu-ness.  BASK IN IT, I SAY!  Are you basking yet?!

The amazement is either because of Team Stu’s awesome display of prowess over the zombies, or because the Stus waited until after they nuked the valley to show said prowess:  “Wait. You assholes could have done this INSTEAD of nuking our home?!  Dude, you guys are seriously hardcore douchebags, aren’t you?”

“hey you all get some sleep up there were going to be doing sentry duty for the night”. Tank said as all the young dinosaurs smiled slightly as they all huddled together close on the rock just as the night fell as the humans picked there positions to watch just after price gave them night vision goggles as judgment said threw his radio.

“lets just pray that this isn’t our last night”. Judgment said threw his radio as insane replied.

Uh, you do know that you’re standing right next to each other, right?  And using the radios does not render your conversation silent to those without radios.  I mean really, they’re standing right there, they CAN hear you talking into that little box.  I’ll just add “using a 2-way radio” to things that our authors have never actually done.

Also, I could think of many, many better places to camp down than in the middle of a huge field of rotting zombie-dinosaur corpses.

Chapter four peters out with them camping down for the night.  But the chapter wouldn’t be complete without the atrocious authors’ note, would it?

the insane doctor: yeah man we kicked ass in this chapter

judgmentdragon25:yeah man we did and thanks for adding my friend man

the insane doctor:hey no problem man any friend of yous is a friend of mine

“Hey, man, how many times can we say man, man, in this author’s note, man?”

“Man, we can totally say man, man, as much as we want, man!”

“Man, that’s sweet, man!”

richardterminator:well I’m glad to be your friend man

This authors’ note is quickly turning into the literary equivalent of a buddy film.

price:hey can we go ahead and stop with the greetings already we got another horde to fight

the insane doctor:hold on let me say this hope you guys like this chapter sorry for making this sentence short but we got to kill some zombies

Whoa!  There was a sentence somewhere in that fic?!  Let me go look for it!

*Lots of reading later*

Nope, couldn’t find it.  Maybe he meant that one place where he put a space before a period?  That’s a pretty short sentence.

everyone runs into a huge horde of zombies as blood started flying everywhere with multiple zombie heads flying everywhere

Huh… zombies are attacking the authors’ notes too.  Maybe they’ll bring down the author and we won’t have to be subjected to any more of these fics!

Next week we start chapter 5, so join me here again, same Bat Time, same Bat Website.

**A “true” Velociraptor is estimated to have been around 30 pounds and was actually fairly small and covered in feathers.  Even so, it would take a knife traveling a few hundred miles an hour to lift it off the ground.  If you want to test this, get yourself a 30 pound bag of sand and try to knock it into the air by throwing whatever knife you want at it.  Heck, you can even cheat and use a slingshot if you want.  When that fails, get yourself a small cannon and try that.

It’s more likely that the authors are actually picturing the Utahraptor style Velociraptor that was popularized in the Jurassic Park movies/books (Utahraptors are assumed to have been covered in feathers, which the raptors in the movies lacked).  The Utahraptor was estimated to have weighed around 400 pounds (though estimates vary widely due to incomplete fossil evidence), so you would have to blast one of those with a knife going at near supersonic speed if you wanted even a chance at lifting it off the ground with the impact.  And, at those speeds, it’s more likely that you’d get a knife to pass completely through the neck than to have it stick.  The Utahraptor is likely the best guess here because the Land Before Time movies have this species as one of the primary predators (called fast-biters in the movies).

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