126: Birthday Surprise - One Shot

Title: Birthday Surprise
Author: Stanathan RPF
Media: Television / Real Life
Topic: Uhm… “Castle” Actors?  I’ll explain below…
Genre: Romance
URL: Birthday Surprise
Critiqued by Lyle
Submitted  by LurkRealClose (LRC)

Welcome, Library Patrons, I have a treat for you today.  We’re going to venture away from fanfictions about fictional characters to a fanfiction about real people in a fictitious setting.  This is one of those bizarre fanfiction subjects that leave me baffled.

Up in the “Topic” section of the introductory statistics, you’ll notice how I’ve written “Castle” Actors.  This fanfiction is a ‘ship of the two main actors – not the characters, mind you, the actors – from the TV show “Castle.”  For those unfamiliar with the show, I’ll sum it up.

Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion from Firefly and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog) is a murder mystery novelist.  Someone steals the methods from his books so he gets permission to tag along with the police to solve crimes.  He is assigned to shadow the intelligent and beautiful female detective, Kate Beckett (Stana Katic).  Sexual tension ensues.  My husband watches this show and I’ve seen enough episodes to have a decent amount of background knowledge regarding the actual television program.  However, like I mentioned before, this fic is not about Richard Castle and Kate Beckett.  It’s about Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic.

The author of this fic, who calls herself Stanathan (a ‘shipping nomer indicating her utter devotion to this pairing *gag*), starts the story off with the standard disclaimers but adds a dedication:

So this goes out to Stana for her birthday. Although I really do hope she will never read this, because that would be just super embarassing lol

I would like to dedicate this riff to this author in hopes that maybe she will read this and become embarrassed.  It’s one thing to fantasize about fake people hooking up.  It’s another thing entirely to be so enthused about two real-life people hooking up, especially when you are not one of those two people, that you have to write a story about them being together.  Am I the only one that finds that weird and perhaps a bit creepy?

Anyway, let’s move along and dive into this story, shall we?

We start off with some information about this being in the final days of shooting for the final episode of the 3rd season of the television show.  It mentions it was also “her 33rd birthday.”  There’s no information regarding who we’re talking about, other than she’s a she and somehow involved in the show “Castle.”  We also discover that Nathan’s birthday was not that long ago.  Since he had a cake, she will also get a cake.  That’s logic!

In their lunch break she got a lot of presents and a huge cake from the crew. Nathan her boyfriend of almost one year now wasn’t seen anywhere though. Well it was more of secret boyfriend, since they didn’t want anybody to know that they had indeed succumbed to the sexual tension their characters were experiencing every day.

You’ve been able to hide a relationship from the cast, crew, and paparazzi for an entire year?  I’d like to know how the hell they managed that because that’s pretty much impossible for anyone in the entertainment industry.  Hell, it was impossible for my husband and me to keep our relationship a secret from our 60-year-old karate instructor (he found out after only a month) and he isn’t exactly the most observant man in the universe.  I’m guessing Nathan and this mystery woman Stana (we all know who it’s supposed to be, even if the author hasn’t told us) have been hiding in broom closets for the entirety of their “relationship.”  An entire year without a single date as that would involve having to go out in public together and ruin the secrecy?  Ah, romance!

They had cept it a secret not only from public but also from their fellow cast members, because they didn’t want everybodies focus to be on them and not on the show anymore.

Misspelling aside, I’d like to point out that the majority of the show is about them, or at least about their characters.  Only half of the show is about solving murder mysteries.  The other half is about how sexually charged their interactions are to the point where the audience is supposed to scream, “Just snog her already!”

[T]hey didn’t want any bad publicity for it when people found out that the two main stars of the show had started dating in real life.

*headdesk*

Because there was a hell of a lot of bad publicity for the movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” when everyone found out Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolee were doing the humpty bump.  This author’s logic is non-existent.  Just because the actors are dating doesn’t mean the project they’re mutually involved in is going to be given a bad rap.  That’s like saying, “I don’t want to shop in that store because the owners are married.”  It brings up a giant, “Who the hell cares?” from the averagely sane person.

So, Stana cuts the cake and pretends to be happy but is really miserable because Nathan isn’t there.  Again, I don’t think this author has any concept of how relationships work.  These two have been together for a year.  She would be beyond letting his absence disrupt the fact that everyone is fawning over her and her cake.

Once the crew has devoured a good portion of the cake, she gets a text message from Nathan and heads to the corner to read it so no one can snoop.  Of course, she takes an entire paragraph to say exactly what I just said in a single sentence.  Brevity, like logic and realistic relationships, is not our author’s strong suit.

Here’s the text she gets:

“Hi please come to your trailer! We need to talk!”

Notice the only punctuation used is two exclamation marks, which usually denotes excitement.  Here is her reaction:

Wrinkling her brow in confusion Stana looked around to see if she could steal away for a while without anybody noticing, a bad feeling starting to spread all over her tummy. As she saw everybody focused on the cake and the band that they had organized she walked out of the door as fast as she coud manage in Beckett’s heels. She was really confused and a little bit worried, Nathan was always so happy and carefree and it wasn’t like him at all to write her such a serious text message, especially on her birthday.

*Opens mouth for a moment.  Shuts it.  Opens it again and holds up a finger.  Shuts mouth again.*

Where do I start?

I would like to point out to our author that there is more than one word for confusion.  That aside … a band?

A… band.

A.

Flipping.

Band.

One of these?

For her birthday?  What is she?  Sixteen?

No one in their right mind would order a band to come play for an actor’s birthday on the set of a show when they’re trying to film the finale with only a couple days left.  What the hell is wrong with you?!

*grabs Harry*

*SMACK!*

I was doing so well not resorting to violence but you deserved that one, Stanathan.

Let’s see, what else is wrong with that paragraph?  I lost my train of thought for a moment in all that previous stupidity.  Oh, yes!

it wasn’t like him at all to write her such a serious text message, especially on her birthday.

His text message was two lines.  He ended both those sentences with exclamations marks.  How the hell did she get “serious” from that?  Also, they’ve been together a year so it’s not unlikely that they were together for her last birthday.  Did he leave her an exuberant, emoticon rich text message last year?  Otherwise, why is it so out of character for him to leave a serious text on her birthday?  There just aren’t enough birthdays to really make that a factor in the tone of his text messaging.  After five years of “roflmfaobbqomgbff!” then perhaps the above text message would seem serious, but there really is no basis for her to assume that him wanting to speak to her privately on her birthday is anything but a romantic gesture.

Moving right along, she storms away from the party and finds her trailer (there is no description of her leaving the building (I assume they’re in a building if there’s a cake and a band)).  She’s worked herself up into a ball of nervous energy by the time she bursts through the door.  He’s sitting on her couch looking extremely serious.

Let’s take a brief moment to consider this situation.  Some of our readers are younger and perhaps not quite as experienced in the ways of relationships as those of us who have been married or in a relationship for many a year, or at least enough years to kind of get the idea.  I’ve been with my husband for seven years, five of those married.  That’s long enough to know that if he’s sitting on the couch, looking as grave as an undertaker, I ask right away, “What’s wrong?”  I do not take a moment to reminiscence about a trinket he bought me at some point in the past and fondle it in an attempt to assuage my own fears that his distress is in some way related to me.  I get the impression that Stanathan has not been in many long-term relationships because this latter behavior is exactly what Stana does when she sees Serious Nathan on her couch.

The sight of him made her stop immediately, her face falling and even more worry making its way to the pit of her stomach. Her right hand finding her left wrist, touching the bracelet he had given her when they had started dating, for her to always keep him with her whenever he couldn’t be. The bracelet had helped her through a lot and whenever she was worried or afraid she had come used to touching it, giving her a sense of calm.

As she looked down and saw what she was doing, she pulled her hand back immediately, knowing that in this particular moment the bracelet couldn’t give her the strength she needed, as the problem in this particular moment was Nathan himself.

*sigh*

So, why is this a problem?  Way to jump to conclusions that there’s something wrong between the two of you.  Perhaps his favorite goldfish died and he needs your comforting presence.  Maybe he lost at the horse races?  His lucky jockstrap got washed by accident.  Someone put a lion in his trailer.  He’s hungry but allergic to peanuts.  There’s gum in his hair… and I don’t mean the hair on his head.  There are a thousand reasons he may need to speak with you and you automatically assume he’s going to drop the bomb and call it quits with you because…?  Why?  What sort of past experiences have you had with this man in the last year that makes you think he’s going to dump you on your birthday?  If you’re so over-the-top crazy for each other, there’s no reason to expect a blind-side dumpage.  Logic: You’re doing it wrong.

So, he brings her into the trailer and closes the door.  He settles her onto the couch and also takes notice of the bracelet.

“I remember when I gave this to you!” he said, a serious look on his eyes. “I remember why I gave it to you and I’m sorry but I have to ask you to take it off now!”

*grinds her teeth for a moment*  Seriousness is not emphasized by exclamation marks.  Don’t make me get my cattle prod.  It’s fully charged and I’m not afraid to use it.

“But, how, why? TODAY?! Of all days!!!” she spit out, tears brimming in her eyes, turning away, suddenly not being able to look at him anymore.

Drama!

So, while she’s in a blind panic about him apparently breaking up with her, Nathan drops down onto a knee and spews some over-mushy garbage about always loving her.  Naturally, he proposes marriage and her attitude completely flips from tears of heart-break to tears of extreme happiness.  This entire fiasco is topped off with some passionate “Yes” kissing.

Stana fell down onto the floor, her hand leaving his, finding his face as their lips crashed together in a passionate kiss. She knew he didn’t need an answer from her because the kiss was answer enough for him. Still she pulled away from the kiss, locking eyes with him breathing “Yes! Yes! YES!” and then her lips crashed onto his once more both of them tumbling into a lying position on the floor, her on top of him, not being able to keep their lips and hands away from each other for longer than to breathe.

*dials a number on her cell phone and waits while it rings*

Hello?  Nathan?  Yeah, I just heard about your methods for proposing to your lady friend.  Uh-huh…. uh-huh.  What?  No, no.  I’m not calling to congratulate you at all.  I called to tell you you’re an ass.  Dick move, Nathan.  Dick. Move.

*hangs up*

What kind of a monkey’s ass is he?  He tricks her, on her birthday, into thinking he’s going to break up with her, going as far as to ask her to relinquish her beloved bracelet with no prior explanation, then he turns right around and proposes to her after watching how much distress he was causing her.  Run, Stana.  Run very far and very fast because this has emotional abuse written all over it.

Anyway, they proceed to have a steamy make-out session on the floor of her trailer…

he uncovered her creamy legs

Eww… you may want to have that looked at.

So her *cough* “creamy legs” are too much of a temptation and soon they’re having some rocking sex… which lasts all of two sentences.  I won’t paste it here for you as it’s pretty underwhelming.

Afterwards, as they’re laying there on the floor in a heap of somewhat sated lust, Stana starts to laugh.  That’s not very comforting.  I think Nathan needs to work on his stamina.  She makes some sort of quip about them always bypassing the couch for the floor, and we’re left with her thoughts that this was her best birthday ever.

Now, normally I’d leave it at that and say good-bye to you guys until next week, but I noticed that this story had a single review.  It was posted via LiveJournal and stories on LiveJournal seem to have fewer reviews than stories posted on fanfiction.net merely because the traffic is a lot less on LJ than on FF.  Curiosity smacked me upside the head and I clicked on the “reviews” link to see what had been said.  I’m very glad I did.

For a moment i though he wanted broke with her.
It’s beautiful, every word is perfect. ♥
Thanks for this little piece of happiness, love, stanathan

I’m somewhat baffled how someone could get the term “break up” confused with “broke” and yet they use the proper “it’s” for “it is.”  The heart is a nice touch, don’t you think?  Now, if you’ll excuse me, Carlos the Cattle Prod would like to have a word with both the author and the reviewer.  Until next week, ta!

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