112: Smurf of the Dead – Chapter FivePosted: December 6, 2011
Title: Smurf of the Dead
Topic: The Smurfs
Genre: Horror / Tragedy
URL: Smurf of the Dead – Chapter Five
Critiqued by Addicted Reader
[Warning: Some serious gore below. Skip if you have a weak stomach.]
Welcome back, dear readers, to the fifth and final (yay!) chapter of Smurf of the Dead. For those who missed the previous episodes, here’s a recap: The Smurf village has been overrun by zombie Smurfs intent on eating the remaining non-zombie Smurfs. A group of about 15 non-zombie Smurfs, led by Papa Smurf, has escaped into the woods. In order to facilitate this escape, a tall green Smurf named Chernov set off a massive explosion. The author strongly implied that Chernov died in this explosion, but he was a pretty powerful Gary Stu, so I’m waiting to see if he turns up.
Oh, and the grammar is terrible. The author changes tense at least once a sentence. It hurts to read.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
“What are we going to do Papa Smurf!” cried Brainy.
“I don’t know Brainy, I just don’t know!” snapped Papa Smurf, “Wait a second, I think I know of someone that might help us.”
Yup, sounds like the Papa Smurf I remember: short-tempered.
After making the Smurfs guess a few times, Papa Smurf leads them to the conclusion that astute reader limelolly reached 2 weeks ago: Gargamel must be behind all this.
So the Smurfs rush over to Gargamel’s to demand answers, assuming that he must be home eating dinner, so he won’t try to catch them.
The smurfs managed to get the front door open and they all charged inside, what they find surprised them. Gargamel was no where to be found and neither is his cat Azrael, but it looked like he’s up to something sinister.
See what I mean about the tenses? I just makes no sense.
They walked into his laboratory to find all these stuff about zombies, newspapers were covered in articles about zombies and books about zombies were scattered all over his desk along with ordinary medical journals. There were hamster cages stacked up against the corner of the room, some of them were stained with blood. A counter was covered with tools used for either surgery or dissections, they happened to be stained with blood.
“Happened” – author, you keep using that word. I think the rest of you know how that ends. I’ve been over this, so I’m going to let it go with no (further) comment this time. I’m about ready to give up.
“I knew Gargamel would be behind this,” said Papa Smurf.
Complete (un)surprisingly, Gargamel walks in at that moment and responds with “Behind what?”
The Smurfs are shocked, Gargamel slams the door shut, and out of nowhere, Wild Smurf is suddenly chewing on Vanity, who screams.
Blood was pouring onto the concrete floor like a faucet as Vanity tries to get away, but Wild’s grip was unusually stronger than Hefty’s.
Great metaphor, that. Or is it a simile? Either way, it’s so very original.
“Where did he come from!” cried Handy as he points his finger at Vanity and Wild.
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” said Gargamel as the smurfs move aside awhile he approaches the two.
Ooh, clever dialogue.
While the rest of the Smurfs continue to stand shocked, Gargamel picks up the two Smurfs using tongs and drops them into separate cages. Gargamel then orders Azrael, the cat, to round up the Smurfs.
Azrael obeyed his master and charged at the smurfs, they all ran like a flock of birds as the cat circled them until they were in a tight ball.
Birds usually scatter, so how did the Smurfs end up in a tight ball? At least some of them should have been able to make it to a wall, and then Azrael wouldn’t have been able to circle them.
This makes no sense.
Shocking, I know.
Gargamel catches the Smurfs in a bag and then dumps them in a cage, which he seals. All the cages so far are on a table. He then brings out another cage, covered in a black cloth, from which can be heard grunting noises. He sets this cage down next to the one containing the freshly-caught Smurfs and watches them “become frightened to death.”
“I’m sure you know these creatures well,” says Gargamel as he pulls off the covers from the cage.
In the cage are
The Seven Dwarves seven zombie Smurfs:
[...] Sloppy, Clumsy, Poet, Painter, Sneezy, Sweepy, and even Dabbler Smurf was inside due to the bandaged arm which is stained in black blood.
Yes, you read that correctly: Dabbler was in the cage because of the bandage. If only he’d taken it off as soon as he’d turned, he’d be a free zombie right now.
That’s what the author meant, right?
Then we get a run-on sentence proving that the author can’t count:
What caught everyone’s attention more was a zombified Grandpa Smurf, unlike the other zombies who has bitemarks, Grandpa Smurf has no visible bites or scratches and neither was he covered in blood.
Grandpa makes eight. Idiot.
Oh, and I think there was also supposed to be suspense there. Let’s see if we find out why zombie Grandpa is different.
Papa Smurf demands to know what Gargamel has done to Grandpa Smurf. Gargamel says he found him like that, and states his suspicion that the Smurfs think he’s responsible, which Papa Smurf confirms.
Then we get more nonsense:
“Well, this isn’t my work you smurfs.” replied Gargamel, “This has been going on for weeks after noticing a portion of the forest had gone quiet, no birds were singing for days in there. It’s like they have simply left, so I went over there to investigate about a couple days ago. That’s when I found the zombified Wild Smurf covered in blood, the gray skin really made me jumped as the zombie moaned at me.”
I think what that means is that Gargamel noticed a portion of the forest going quiet for a while, then went to investigate a couple days ago (which is when Dabbler got bitten and the story started).
Gargamel says that when he found Wild Smurf, the blood was fresh, and Papa Smurf says he had just bitten Dabbler. He then explains that they didn’t realize it was contagious until Dabbler attacked Dopey and Chernov. Gargamel asks about the whereabouts of Chernov, and Smurffette mutters that he sacrificed himself to save them. Gargamel connects this to the smoke he saw earlier and then transitions straight into threatening the Smurfs. He’s going to start by making them watch Vanity’s torture.
And what is that torture you ask? Well, here it is, in all it’s tense-changing gore:
The Smurfs looked at Vanity who was gripping his shoulder tightly, he had lost a lot of blood on which it covered him and the bottom of the cage. He looked quite pale appeared he was going to pass out, his eyes were drooping as he clutches his bloodstained mirror to his chest. Still holding onto it, he collapsed into the pool of his own blood and slips into a coma. The Smurfs watch Vanity for about an hour, on which he stopped bleeding… and stopped breathing.
Tragic, isn’t it?
Gargamel watches the Smurfs watch Vanity change color from blue to gray and then wake up, eyes red and still clutching his mirror.
“You would be joining him soon,” said Gargamel as Vanity groans the distinctive zombie moan.
One doesn’t generally groan a moan. One groans a groan, or moans a moan, but not so much groaning a moan.
Try saying that ten times fast. I’ll wait (and laugh).
“Suddenly” (because how else do things happen in a horror story?), Gargamel hears a scratching at the door. He takes a quick peek, then grabs Azrael and jumps out the window, leaving the caged non-zombie Smurfs alone with the zombie Smurfs, who are in a separate cage. After a moment, the door pops open, and they all see what frightened Gargamel: the zombie horde.
The non-zombie Smurfs are trapped.
“Suddenly” (again), the caged zombie Smurfs break out of their cage and surround the non-zombie cage, trying to break in. Handy cries out to Papa Smurf, asking what to do, and as he looks at zombie Grandpa Smurf trying to break into the cage to eat him, Papa Smurf declares:
“It’s every smurf for himself.”
“Suddenly” (I’m serious, the author keeps using this), Grandpa Smurf starts pushing on the cage, and the rest of the zombies follow suit. The cage is soon pushed from the table to the floor, falling on top of the zombie horde below. The zombie Smurfs above jump down and continue their attempts to break into the cage.
Papa Smurf thinks fast, he looked around the cage and noticed that some of the smurfs had broken their ankles and legs from the fall. He then noticed that the plastic bottom had slightly popped off the cage, a promising escape route. With all of his smurf strength, Papa Smurf kicked the bottom and managed to make a gap about 6 centimeters wide. It’s enough for the Smurfs to escape to, “To me my Smurfs!” cried Papa Smurf as he made a feeble dash through the gap. A zombie smurf managed to slash out at Papa Smurf, however the adrenaline prevented from feeling anything.
Oh, so it’s all together again. Much nicer that way. Except that none of the other Smurfs listen, as they try to help their injured friends.
Papa Smurf makes it to the window sill, then watches as the rest of the Smurfs are dragged into the thick of the zombie horde and eaten alive.
Then we get this:
Smurfette was unhurt as she made a dash to safety, but a zombie smurf grabbed her long blonde hair and pulled her back. Smurfette screams as the zombie took a bite out of her arm, other zombies pinned Smurfette down to the ground as she pointlessly kicks and punch. She screamed at the top of her lungs as the zombies tear off their dress then tear her belly wide open, just like Sassette, Smurfette was being eaten alive awhile being disemboweled.
Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t just eat. Seriously, with the hair pulling again and the nudity – I am really not liking this fic any more.
We get more description of the gore, naming a few more of the Smurfs, followed by half a sentence and some gallows “humor”:
Everyone else were either eaten alive
“I hate being eaten alive!” screamed Grouchy right before his intestines was torn out of his body.
I can see why the author would think that joke would be funny, but I’m just too grossed out.
Papa Smurf finally has enough of watching, so he jumps out the window and attempts to save himself. He runs a ways, then sits down and contemplates his alone-ness. He starts crying, then “suddenly” (::eye roll::) hears someone approach.
The village leader shot up and noticed it was Brainy dragging a heavily bleeding Smurfette, this caused Papa Smurf to stop crying.
Yay, a reunion! Papa Smurf and Brainy go over Smurfette’s injuries, concluding she must be tougher than she looks to not be dead yet. Papa Smurf confirms that there’s no one else, Brainy shows Papa Smurf his injury, then Brainy tells Papa Smurf to look at her shoulder. Papa Smurf instead looks at his own shoulder and sees scratches, and realizes that he too is infected.
Brainy asks Papa Smurf what they’re gonna do, and Papa Smurf answers:
“Sit here and see how the other half lives I guess.”
Eh? Not really sure what that means.
They sit there, one of them stroking Smurfette’s hair (there’s just a pronoun with no clear antecedent), until she stops crying. Brainy then goes and gets a rock and smashes her skull just as she wakes up as a zombie.
Then they see the zombie horde coming towards them out of Gargamel’s hovel and become very stoic:
“This is it Brainy,” said Papa Smurf without taking his eyes off the horde.
“It’s nice knowing you.” replies Brainy without looking at Papa Smurf.
The two smurfs sat there and watch as the zombie horde spots them and began the slow march after them, Papa Smurf and Brainy held their ground as they wait for their demise. Either being eaten alive, or worse, becoming one of them…
And now, my favorite part of the whole fic: