106: Smurf of the Dead – Chapter FourPosted: November 29, 2011
Title: Smurf of the Dead
Topic: The Smurfs
Genre: Horror / Tragedy
URL: Smurf of the Dead – Chapter Four
Critiqued by Addicted Reader
Welcome back the Smurf of the Dead, a painfully-written Smurfs fanfic in which there is a zombie virus infecting the Smurfs. Here are the salient points of the previous 3 chapters just to get everyone caught up:
1. We’re dealing with standard zombies here – a bite or scratch spreads the infection, and a shot to the head is the only way to kill them.
2. Chernov is a tall, green, author-insertion, know-it-all, douchey hero Smurf. His house contains technology way beyond what the rest of the Smurfs have.
3. 15 Smurfs are currently barricaded in Chernov’s house hiding from the zombie Smurfs. Chernov went out with bitten-but-not-a-zombie-yet Hefty Smurf to look for suvivors.
4. The grammar is so bad that it hurts to read the fic.
5. That’s it. Let’s get this over with.
For 48 hours, the Smurfs hunker down in Chernov’s house as they listened to screams that were slowly turning into moans, Papa Smurf read the Zombititus book about 3 times and still figured that there could be a cure for the disease. Smurfette seemed to have lost all hope of survival due to the death of her sister, the thought of Baby Smurf could be dead soon begin to bore into her mind like a drill bit.
Yup, still bad. At least Smurfs is capitalized, for the first (and probably last) time so far.
Everyone is sitting around bored and starting to get cold, so Handy goes over to Chernov’s furnace and picks up a piece of wood.
Before he placed it into the blast furnace, he noticed the log was made out of pulverized wood and coal bond together with beeswax. “Chernov is very ingenious,” said Handy as he places in some of the logs into the furnace, “Nice fireplace he has, it’s made out of thick stone.”
Everyone say it with me: Go Gary Stu!
The fire gets lit, and of course immediately the house warms up.
Just then, Chernov returns, alone, with a big bag. Papa Smurf asks for an update, and Chernov lets them know that there are a few Smurfs still alive, hiding in their own homes,
[...] so your not alone.
Misspelling aside (do you know how hard that was for me?), how does knowing that there are other Smurfs that they can’t help make them feel better? And since there are now 16 Smurfs in Chernov’s house, I don’t think they’re alone anyway.
Anyway, Brainy asks Chernov what’s in the bag.
“Well, just food and a few books I picked up,” explains Chernov as he dumps the contents onto the table, the last thing that fell out was a magazine with a picture of Smurfette in a pose. Realizing that it’s his, Papa Smurf made a grab for it but Handy beat him to it and took a look inside the magazine. “Wow, look at all of these pictures of Smurfette,” said Handy as he show’s the smurfs.
“What is it?” asked Smurfette as she got up from her chair.
“No, don’t look it’s for guys only,” said Handy.
“I knew it was a good idea to grab that porn magazine Papa Smurf has,” thought Chernov.
“You might leave them be Smurfette, you don’t want to know what they’re up too.” warned Papa Smurf, who was still embarrassed by the magazine.
Yup, Playsmurf is back. And don’t worry about the public exploitation, Smurfette, it’s ok. Boys will be boys!
And 3 unnecessary apostrophes.
Smurfette asks about Baby Smurf, and Chernov tells the group that Baby, Grandpa, and Nanny Smurf are all missing. Chernov then asks to speak to Papa Smurf alone and tells him that he shot Hefty shortly after the two set out and that he found Baby Smurf’s remains. When questioned, Chernov says that he lied to Smurfette to protect her:
“Smurfette is emotionally sensitive right now, just one more bad news and she would probably go back to her former self.” warned Chernov, “You know what I’m talking about Papa Smurf, I knew how Smurfette was created by Gargamel in order to…”
“Yes, you don’t have to retell the story Chernov.” said Papa Smurf.
So Chernov thinks that Smurfette is delicate, and that grief will turn her evil. Clearly he has a very low opinion of her. I didn’t think it was possible, but now I like Chernov even less!
Chernov then gives Papa Smurf the worst news: the zombies locked on to him and will be arriving at his house fairly soon, and they’re all gonna die.
“There’s no way out Papa Smurf, these zombies will never get tired on hunting us.”
Yup, sounds pretty final! Too bad I know there’s one more chapter to go.
Just then, they hear the zombies start to arrive and rejoin the group in the main room. Chernov bolts the door, even though that won’t hold “forever.”
Then Chernov makes another announcement:
“Luckily I prepared myself for when being trapped inside my own home,” said Chernov, “I have an emergency escape door in my bedroom. Since the zombies are focused at the front, we’ll slip out the back. Simple as that.”
Wait, but I thought you just said there’s no way out! How can there be a back door if there’s no way out? Author, you fail at continuity along with everything else.
Chernov warns them not to get their hopes up, then starts getting the Smurfs out. Finally just Chernov and Papa Smurf are left.
“Papa Smurf,” said Chernov, “I’m going to keep the zombies busy awhile you take the smurfs to safety.”
“Your going to sacrifice yourself for us?” asked Papa Smurf.
“I don’t die that easy Old Timer,” said Chernov, “Just get the smurfs as far from the Smurf Village as far as possible, now get out of here.”
Yup, exactly like a douche hero.
Papa Smurf gets out and gets the Smurfs running.
They ran straight into the woods to avoid the zombies, a wise choice.
Author, what did I tell you about editorializing? Don’t do it!!
Shortly after they get into the woods, they hear a massive explosion.
They all stopped and looked behind them and managed to make out a huge fireball through the foliage of the woods, it was too much for the little smurfs to bare as Smurfette passes out and collapsed onto the ground.
Well, if Smurfette is bare, why did they need the magazine?
Everyone else just stared at the fire in horror as they watch the nearby tree’s closest to the explosion catch fire, there is no way for Chernov to survive that explosion. No way at all.
I dunno, he is a pretty powerful Gary Stu.
TO BE CONTINUED…