04 : ITS MY LIFE – Chapter One

Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Author: MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video game
Topic: Portal
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter One
Critiqued by Ghostcat

For my very first official Library of the Damned entry I have found a real humdinger. Let me introduce you to ITS MY LIFE! by MarissaTheWriter. (remember that name)

It is a Portal fanfic and while I have never played the games, I am very familiar with the storylines of both the original and the sequel and have watched walkthroughs of both games.

The bio for the author is disappointingly brief, no age or personal information beyond her username is listed. Many of the reviewers accuse the author of being a troll, but I’m not sure. It seems too throughly sucktacular to be the work of a troll, no matter how dedicated.

:rubs palms together:

This is going to be good.

CHAPTER 1 RETURN TO PORTAL AN A SUPER HUGE SUPRISE!

According to the single sentence Author’s Note, this story is her interpretation of what would happen during “Portla 3.”

Can’t even spell the name of the source material. Just shoot me now.

We are introduced to Marissa Roberts, (Now, where have I heard that name before?) a test subject at Aperture Science. Shortly after Chell escaped, Marissa was captured by “Glados” in the “science lab places” and made to run “bad tests”;

“There was no thing fun bout thetests an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing.”

You know, I’m feeling a bit peckish. I think I’ll go kitchen up a sandwich.

Glados screams (Most of her dialog is in ALL CAPS) at Marissa that she will now be working with robots; some “weird tubes” appear in the formless void in which this chapter takes place. From out of these tubes step Atlas and “P-Boy”, the robots from the Cooperative Testing Initiative. They look at Marissa and she looks at them, describing them as “a blue ball” and an “orange line thing.” Glados tells them to “leaf” her alone and goes off to listen to “Avril Lavinge music” and cry. Because she is now a “goth emo.”

Atlas calls her a “b****” (I’m not censoring out the curses, they are all written with asterisks.) and then shrugged “(GET IT IT’S A MOVIE!)”, shocking Marissa with the bad language. (I’m a bit shocked that mute robots can be so eloquent.)  “P-Bod” doesn’t say anything because he is staring at her “bobs”, she kicks him in his “robot place” for this. This makes him upset so he shoots a portal at her so that she falls into it over and over again. (I assume this is an Endless Fall, where one portal is placed directly in front of another.) After “lolling” over this for a bit, P-Boy and Atlas take out some drugs and “STARTED TO SMOKE THEM” in front of her. (The robots are doing what?) Marissa gets fed up and manages to jump out of the Endless Fall, it’s not explained how, and is so mad that after she “ladled on [her] lung fall boots” she portals them into an Endless Fall to see how they like it. (They don’t.)

“Altas angered at me an P-Boy said “You broked are drugs now you will pay!” Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz.”

Several “ours” later she is weeping in a pool of her own blood while P-Boy and Atlas do more drugs, drink beer, and pass out.

I am seriously beginning to doubt that this author is even aware of what a robot is.

Marissa is yearning for her companion “coob”, but Glados is making it (the inert cube) do more tests. She is also yearning for “Wheetly”, who is the only nice robot she has ever met (with a “super sexay British aksent”) but his time in Glados’ body turned him evil and he was shot into space by Chell. She rubs her stomach and “rembered” her secret; (Oh, hell.) Wheetly and Marissa shared one secret night together and she can somehow tell that she is pregnant with his “robot ball/human baby”.

Okay, this author has absolutely no idea what a robot is. And also lacks any knowledge of basic biology.

Marissa looks out a window and sees the moon, where Wheetly is, and misses him “like a guy I missed a bunch.” (such eloquence) When Atlas and “P=Boy” (the passed-out robots) see her crying they start “lolling” at her and calling her names like “Fat Uguly B****!” so she says her first words. (She makes a special effort to point out that these are her first words.)

“OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!” ”

Yeah, that was worth breaking your silence for.

An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. My hare was streaming behind me an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. “Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn’t space lost!” I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was.”

So … the two drugged-out and alcoholic robots think she’s ugly, but all the other robots think she’s beautiful. Until she starts cursing at them. And she’s upset that her Personality Core boyfriend is floating around in space.

What is it with these Mary Sues and their constant moaning about what a curse it is to be so damned beautiful? The only ones who find her ugly are the “evil” drug-smoking, and normally silent, robots.

As she is running away (with her one empty hand) from the now silent robots, she hears something in the “necks” room. (I’m picturing a room constructed completely out of vertebrae.) She looks in and sees Glados cutting herself.

GLaDOS, the sentient computer system. (I’m sorry; the “emo goth” sentient computer system.) GLaDOS is cutting herself. With what? And where?

Glados is screaming (in ALL CAPS) to Chell, whom you will remember has already escaped,

“CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER’S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!”

And then “robot blood” gets everywhere and Glados has successfully “sewisided!111!1!”(I’m guessing that’s LOLspeak for “committed impractical suicide”)

I’m not skipping over a lot – absolutely no attempt is made to describe anything; not the characters, not the setting, nothing. And I’m not counting “blue ball” and “orange line thing” as descriptions, because that tells you nothing about these two robots. I cannot wait to see what “speshul” powers our little Mary Sue will develop. I’m guessing they will be situation-specific and completely out-of-canon, just like any good Mary Sue would have.


42 Comments on “04 : ITS MY LIFE – Chapter One”

  1. LimeLolly says:

    *sound of brain screeching to a halt*

    Huh? I’m still having trouble processing robots that are smoking, drinking and impregnating a human. WTH?

  2. cjtx says:

    *rubs eyes*

    Wha…?

    Huh?

    What the….?

    I think I need to go toilet me a puke.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I wish I could adore this.

      • "Lyle" says:

        You have admin powers… if you know how to add ‘adores’ to the comment boxes, go for it.

      • Go to the Dashboard, in the left sidebar “Ratings” is about halfway down(directly under Polls). Click on it and it will take you to the Ratings section; you can enable “likes” for comments, pages, and posts.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Oh sure, use logic.

        While I was in there I whipped up a new header picture for the site. We may also want to alter the site’s color-scheme to better match, provided the new picture is acceptable.

        “Demoning” up a row of books is harder than I thought it would be.

      • Nice :)

        It looks a little too dark against the white but if you tweak the background colors it should look good.

      • TacoMagic says:

        That was my thought. If we use a demony picture, we’ll need to tweak the site colors to be a little less of a direct contrast.

      • Something in an autumn tone, like a golden brown or a burnt orange, would look nice.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Maybe like an abstract of ink splashes toned to sepia with some light texturing/film scratch noise? Maybe blend it with a deep orange/brown base color and tone down the opacity to make it more subtle.

        I’ll have to play with that later and see if I can get something that tiles nicely and blends without stealing the focus of the eyes.

      • Lyle says:

        You’re in charge of the color scheme, Taco. The books look awesome! I’ll handle formatting posts if you handle how the backdrop looks :)

      • "Lyle" says:

        And as a bizarre side note: My previous comment was tagged as spam that I had to approve in order to post it. WordPress spammed an administrator’s comment >.< wtf? Oh, and 98 views today guys! We almost broke 100 for a single day!

  3. Oh, for those who aren’t familiar with Portal 2 and are curious as to what the “blue ball” and “orange line thing” look like just click here.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    This has got to be a troll-fic.

    Please? It’s a troll-fic right? Somebody? Anybody?

    *Whimpering*

    *rocks back and forth*

    People can’t be this dumb, it has to be on purpose… has to be. Yes Mrs. Nesbit, I’ll have another cup of tea! Biscuits for all my toothpaste! AHAHAHAHAHA! Crunchy!

    • Oh, dear – I broke Taco.

      I thought it might be a troll-fic when I first read it but I don’t think any troll, no matter how dedicated, could keep up this level of suck for eighteen chapters. (It was sixteen but she’s added two more since I started reviewing it, including one that contains lyrics for a ” credits song”)

      • cjtx says:

        *contemplates seventeen more chapters of this*

        *dies*

      • "Lyle" says:

        The things Ghostie does for our amusement…

      • Truly it has been an ordeal – I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. I think I bruised a rib.

        I’ll probably lump together some of the later chapters where things get sort of rambly and incoherent (well, more incoherent) so everyone doesn’t have to suffer through all eighteen parts individually.

      • "Lyle" says:

        I haven’t looked further than the chapter I’m currently working on in mine… but I have noticed that, to my great horror, she’s added more chapters since I started >.< If they're short enough, I may be able to mush them together, too. At least we're not dealing with the sheer Wall o' Text Taco has to slog through. Breaking that chapter up into 4 parts was a very good idea.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Yeah, the only good thing I can see about Ghostie’s (other than it being perfect fodder for us) is that the chapters are rather short.

  5. cjtx says:

    OT – I be-bopped on over to the fanfiction.net site and chose a book that I knew about “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”.

    The fanfic is “Randle’s Angel” and in the first paragraph I find that Angel is able to remove her feet and place them under her ass on a chair, just so you know she’s not taking you seriously.

    O.M.G.

    Someone shoot me, please.

  6. Addicted Reader says:

    I am not at all familiar with Portal. Could you provide a very brief summary of the canon elements used in the fic?

    • "Lyle" says:

      Basically it’s thus:

      You are a woman named Chell who is being forced to run through a crazy rat-maze of a building with a gun that blasts portal-holes in surfaces. When you blast two holes, you may walk through one to come out of the other. In order to solve the rooms and advance through the next door, you must use this ability to enter and exit holes to get to the other side without ending up dead. This entire bit of insanity is being proctored by GLaDOS, a computerized artificial intelligence being (ie: A fancy robot) who keeps telling you that if you make it through, you get cake. (The cake is a lie)

      In the second game, you’re introduced to two robots who you can use in conjunction with Chell. Those would be Atlas and P-Body. It allows for a co-op game play.

      Basically, the robots are exactly that: robots. They don’t have mouths and cannot speak. GLaDOS can talk but she’s still just a giant robotic machine. Wheatley is a robotic ball.

      The video game itself is pretty much a puzzle/strategy game.

      I hope that helps! (And now I want to play the game again…)

    • Let’s see…

      The Aperture Science Enrichment Center – referred to as “Portal labs” in the fic, it’s a testing facility located deep underground that serves as the setting for both Portal games. In the games you use a portal gun to solve increasingly difficult tests in the Center under the supervision of GLaDOS, the computer system that runs the facility.

      The portal gun – The gun shoots round portals onto surfaces that have a special coating (made of ground moon rocks) to allow the portal to adhere to it; you can’t just put one anywhere. The gun can shoot only two portals, colored blue and orange in the games, at the time. Shooting a second portal of the same color causes the previous one of that color to collapse. Objects and people entering one portal will exit the other with no loss of momentum or enertia. (If I was standing in a room and shot the blue portal on the far wall and the orange one beside me, I could stick my hand through the portal and wave at myself. If I placed one portal at the bottom of a deep shaft and the other high on a wall, jumping into the first portal would catapult me out of the second at the same speed I was falling. As they say in the game “Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.”) Each portal gun controls only its own portals; Marissa should not be able to affect any portal shot by one of the robots and vice-versa.

      The Endless Fall – When one portal is placed relative to another in such a way that anything passing through one would almost immediately pass through the other, building up greater speed until the person or object became a blur. This happens very quickly. The only way to break the cycle is to move one of the portals, which would cause whatever is caught in an Endless Fall to be launched at a very high rate of speed. Since each portal gun controls only its own portals, Marissa should not have been able to get out of the Endless Fall.

      Chell – the protagonist from both games, she is a human female in her late twenties who never speaks. She wears an orange jumpsuit and long-fall boots that absorb the impact when she lands after jumping. She is placed into stasis after the first game and it is revealed at the beginning of the second game that the long-term stasis has given her “a very mild case of serious brain damage.” GLaDOS makes numerous references in both games to Chell being an abandoned by her parents at a young age and having no friends.

      GLaDOS – Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, she is the sentient computer system that runs the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. At some unspecified point before the first game, GLaDOS was brought online to run the Center and immediately flooded it with deadly neurotoxin, killing almost everyone inside. Personality Cores, including Wheatley, were installed at various times before she was brought online in an attempt to make her “behave” (not kill everyone) but they were unsuccessful. She is installed in a massive structure in the Central AI Chamber and cannot move by herself, but she has an extensive network of intercoms and video cameras. The “Genetic Lifeform” portion of GLaDOS is revealed in the second game to be Caroline, the personal secretary of Aperture Science’s founder, Cave Johnson. GLaDOS is obsessed with testing and science.

      Wheatley – Referred to variously as Wheetly, Whatly, or Wheatly in the fic, he is a Personality Core, a metallic ball about the size of a basketball with a glowing blue eye on the front, who travels through the facility by means of a system of rails. He has an English accent. He was specifically designed by the scientists at Aperture Science to be “the biggest moron in history” and was attached to GLaDOS before she went online in an effort to slow her down, as he would generate a constant stream of bad ideas. Once removed from her he was placed in charge of the Extended Relaxation Center, where test subjects in long-term stasis were stored. Most test subjects in stasis died shortly afterwards. Midwat through the second game GLaDOS’ Personality Core is removed and replaced with Wheatley, who very quickly becomes mad with power and neglects the facility in favor of doing more tests, which trigger a pleasurable sensation that diminishes each time a test is completed, leading him to make more and more irrational decisions in order to get that rush. At the end of the second game Chell places a portal on the surface of the moon, visible through a hole in the ceiling, and one beneath him, using the vaccum of space to suck him out of GLaDOS’ body.

      Atlas and P-Body – called Altas and P-Doy, P-Boy, P-Bod, etc… in the fic, they are a pair of robots from the Cooperative Testing Initative (two player mode in the second game). Like Chell they do not speak and have no facial features except for a single glowing eye.

      I think that’s all for this chapter.

  7. […] lies and comedic sociopathy. You may remember her listening to Avril Lavigne and cutting herself in ITS MY LIFE! , also known as “My ImPortal.” My, what a wild ride that […]

  8. The Crowbar says:

    Huh… Digging through the old stuff in the Library is weird…

    I remember this story! It was so unbelievably full of shit…


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