04 : ITS MY LIFE – Chapter OnePosted: July 15, 2011
Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Media: Video game
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter One
Critiqued by Ghostcat
For my very first official Library of the Damned entry I have found a real humdinger. Let me introduce you to ITS MY LIFE! by MarissaTheWriter. (remember that name)
It is a Portal fanfic and while I have never played the games, I am very familiar with the storylines of both the original and the sequel and have watched walkthroughs of both games.
The bio for the author is disappointingly brief, no age or personal information beyond her username is listed. Many of the reviewers accuse the author of being a troll, but I’m not sure. It seems too throughly sucktacular to be the work of a troll, no matter how dedicated.
:rubs palms together:
This is going to be good.
CHAPTER 1 RETURN TO PORTAL AN A SUPER HUGE SUPRISE!
According to the single sentence Author’s Note, this story is her interpretation of what would happen during “Portla 3.”
Can’t even spell the name of the source material. Just shoot me now.
We are introduced to Marissa Roberts, (Now, where have I heard that name before?) a test subject at Aperture Science. Shortly after Chell escaped, Marissa was captured by “Glados” in the “science lab places” and made to run “bad tests”;
“There was no thing fun bout thetests an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing.”
You know, I’m feeling a bit peckish. I think I’ll go kitchen up a sandwich.
Glados screams (Most of her dialog is in ALL CAPS) at Marissa that she will now be working with robots; some “weird tubes” appear in the formless void in which this chapter takes place. From out of these tubes step Atlas and “P-Boy”, the robots from the Cooperative Testing Initiative. They look at Marissa and she looks at them, describing them as “a blue ball” and an “orange line thing.” Glados tells them to “leaf” her alone and goes off to listen to “Avril Lavinge music” and cry. Because she is now a “goth emo.”
Atlas calls her a “b****” (I’m not censoring out the curses, they are all written with asterisks.) and then shrugged “(GET IT IT’S A MOVIE!)”, shocking Marissa with the bad language. (I’m a bit shocked that mute robots can be so eloquent.) “P-Bod” doesn’t say anything because he is staring at her “bobs”, she kicks him in his “robot place” for this. This makes him upset so he shoots a portal at her so that she falls into it over and over again. (I assume this is an Endless Fall, where one portal is placed directly in front of another.) After “lolling” over this for a bit, P-Boy and Atlas take out some drugs and “STARTED TO SMOKE THEM” in front of her. (The robots are doing what?) Marissa gets fed up and manages to jump out of the Endless Fall, it’s not explained how, and is so mad that after she “ladled on [her] lung fall boots” she portals them into an Endless Fall to see how they like it. (They don’t.)
“Altas angered at me an P-Boy said “You broked are drugs now you will pay!” Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz.”
Several “ours” later she is weeping in a pool of her own blood while P-Boy and Atlas do more drugs, drink beer, and pass out.
I am seriously beginning to doubt that this author is even aware of what a robot is.
Marissa is yearning for her companion “coob”, but Glados is making it (the inert cube) do more tests. She is also yearning for “Wheetly”, who is the only nice robot she has ever met (with a “super sexay British aksent”) but his time in Glados’ body turned him evil and he was shot into space by Chell. She rubs her stomach and “rembered” her secret; (Oh, hell.) Wheetly and Marissa shared one secret night together and she can somehow tell that she is pregnant with his “robot ball/human baby”.
Okay, this author has absolutely no idea what a robot is. And also lacks any knowledge of basic biology.
Marissa looks out a window and sees the moon, where Wheetly is, and misses him “like a guy I missed a bunch.” (such eloquence) When Atlas and “P=Boy” (the passed-out robots) see her crying they start “lolling” at her and calling her names like “Fat Uguly B****!” so she says her first words. (She makes a special effort to point out that these are her first words.)
“OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!” ”
Yeah, that was worth breaking your silence for.
An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. My hare was streaming behind me an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. “Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn’t space lost!” I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was.”
So … the two drugged-out and alcoholic robots think she’s ugly, but all the other robots think she’s beautiful. Until she starts cursing at them. And she’s upset that her Personality Core boyfriend is floating around in space.
What is it with these Mary Sues and their constant moaning about what a curse it is to be so damned beautiful? The only ones who find her ugly are the “evil” drug-smoking, and normally silent, robots.
As she is running away (with her one empty hand) from the now silent robots, she hears something in the “necks” room. (I’m picturing a room constructed completely out of vertebrae.) She looks in and sees Glados cutting herself.
GLaDOS, the sentient computer system. (I’m sorry; the “emo goth” sentient computer system.) GLaDOS is cutting herself. With what? And where?
Glados is screaming (in ALL CAPS) to Chell, whom you will remember has already escaped,
“CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER’S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!”
And then “robot blood” gets everywhere and Glados has successfully “sewisided!111!1!”(I’m guessing that’s LOLspeak for “committed impractical suicide”)
I’m not skipping over a lot - absolutely no attempt is made to describe anything; not the characters, not the setting, nothing. And I’m not counting “blue ball” and “orange line thing” as descriptions, because that tells you nothing about these two robots. I cannot wait to see what “speshul” powers our little Mary Sue will develop. I’m guessing they will be situation-specific and completely out-of-canon, just like any good Mary Sue would have.